The Adventures Of A Ball And A Bird
"I have no idea how this thing works," Mainframe, the GI Joe computer tech wizard looked over Crystal Ball. He was using a pad to try and scan him. "I can't upload anything. I'm not even detecting any wi-fi or internet!"
"That's because I'm really advanced," Crystal Ball said. "Beep. Boop."
"How are we going to get information out of this thing?" Shipwreck pointed.
"Here's some information," Crystal Ball offered. "The Baroness and Destro are back together. Beep. Boop."
"Again?" Duke asked.
"Her?" Shipwreck asked. "She has the personality of a dead codfish."
"Destro isn't exactly a prize either," Lady Jaye added.
"No wonder his wife divorced him," Crystal Ball nodded.
"Destro was married?" Duke was stunned.
"Not anymore," Crystal Ball said. "She dumped him for a young stud barely out of his teens."
"Seriously?" Shipwreck asked.
"Said he wasn't man enough for her," Crystal Ball added. "She found someone who was. Ironic thing, the guy she's with now is the son of the woman Mindbender was dating for a little while. Until she ran off with her ex-husband."
"Are you serious?" Shipwreck was stunned. "Mindbender got laid?"
"Four times this year," Crystal Ball nodded. "He had a fling with two of a sultan's wives. He only caught him with one…Didn't end well. Very messy."
"Mindbender is doing better than me?" Shipwreck shouted.
"Shipwreck focus!" Duke snapped.
"I am!" Shipwreck snapped. "How the hell could a deranged nutcase like Mindbender have a better sex life than I do?"
"I think it's the abs," Crystal Ball remarked. "That's why he doesn't wear a shirt."
"You know I always wondered about that," Flint admitted.
"Me too," Lady Jaye said. "I mean for a scientist to not wear a shirt is pretty unhygienic."
"Vanity pure and simple," Crystal Ball told her. "Then again I would like abs like that. Can't blame him for wanting to show them off."
"I have to admit for a scientist that is impressive," Beach Head admitted with a shrug. "No offense to you science and tech guys…"
"No, we get it," Airtight said. "We're not known for that."
"I've been in the army for years and I'm in pretty good shape," Mainframe said. "And even I don't have abs like that."
"For a science geek his workout isn't meek," Roadblock admitted.
"Will you people stop focusing on Mindbender's love life?" Duke snapped.
"Are you doing better this year than Mindbender?" Shipwreck challenged. "Be honest."
Duke thought for a moment. "Okay it has to be more than the abs!" Duke snapped. "Maybe he's drugging them or something…? He is a mad scientist after all. That has to be a factor."
"Does desperation and alcohol count?" Crystal Ball asked.
"They do in Shipwreck's case," Lady Jaye remarked.
"HEY!" Shipwreck snapped.
"Mindbender's family are real nutjobs," Crystal Ball added. "Did you know he comes from a long line of lunatics, grave robbers and murderers? And they have a habit of keeping the skulls of family members on their shelves."
"This explains a lot," Low Light remarked.
"His family is from Lichtenstein if anyone is interested," Crystal Ball added.
"I've always had trouble placing his accent," Lady Jaye admitted.
"Can we stop talking about Mindbender?" Duke snapped.
"Okay," Crystal Ball said cheerfully. "Cobra Commander has really been hitting the bottle a lot lately. Even more than usual. I can't count how many times that guy has been plastered out of his mind. Not that I honestly blame him. The people he surrounds himself with are real idiots and whack jobs."
"Tell us something we don't know!" Beach Head snapped.
"Do you know that Road Pig is now going by the name Tiffany?" Crystal Ball added. "Another personality that was in that clown car. The frightening part is that Tiffany is smarter than all of the other Road Pig's personalities combined. Even Donald."
"Who the hell is Road Pig?" Beach Head snapped.
"Oh, I remember him," Flint realized. "Big guy with a pink Mohawk? Stutters sometimes?"
"Yes," Crystal Ball said. "But now he wears a wig and a dress and identifies as a woman. Then again she does look better in outfits than The Baroness."
"Look," Duke said to his team. "There has to be a way to link up with this thing. Think of the valuable information we can get!"
Beach Head pointed at Crystal Ball. "Valuable? The only information we've gotten out of this thing is gossip!"
"Juicy gossip!" Shipwreck corrected.
"He's not wrong," Lady Jaye admitted.
"Did you know Cobra Commander was stranded on an island of garbage for nearly a full week?" Crystal Ball added. "Got into a war with seagulls. Ate one of them but it got him back hard if you get my drift. He really hates seagulls."
"Cobra Commander on an island of garbage," Shipwreck snickered. "How appropriate."
"Is it me or does this thing seem like it wants to give us embarrassing information?" Beach Head asked. "I'm not saying it's not entertaining…It's just not exactly valuable."
"Maybe you're just not asking the right questions?" Crystal Ball snapped. "Have you thought of that Einstein?"
"How this for the right question, you overgrown pinball?" Beach Head snapped. "Can you tell us where Cobra is headed?"
"No. But I can show you when Destro got shot in the ass," Crystal Ball told him. He then made a projection of the past image of Destro getting shot.
"YEOWWW!" Destro was heard yelling in the scene.
The Joes started laughing like crazy. Beach Head laughed. "Okay…I admit that was good information."
"That was definitely worth seeing," Mainframe chuckled.
"Valuable," Shipwreck laughed. "Definitely valuable."
"Here's Cobra Commander being attacked by seagulls," Crystal Ball showed them.
"SQUAAAAKK!"
"AAAAHHH! YOU BIRDS WILL SUFFER FOR THIS!" An image of Cobra Commander on an island of garbage being attacked by seagulls was shown.
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" The Joes laughed.
"This thing is better than TiVo!" Roadblock laughed. "It's so funny watching Cobra Commander sink so low!"
SPLAT!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" Cobra Commander was heard screaming when a seagull left a special little present on his helmet.
"The bird pooped on his head!" Roadblock laughed. "If Fang Face knew about this, he'd wish he was dead!"
"Best meme ever!" Low Light laughed.
"I take it back," Beach Head laughed uncontrollably. "This thing may be the most valuable piece of intel we ever got!"
"We really needed a good laugh," Airtight giggled.
"We got one," Low Light snickered.
"Okay now it's time to be serious here," Duke told the others.
"Since when has that ever stopped you guys before?" Crystal ball quipped.
"How did Cobra get a spaceship?" Duke asked.
"They stole it," Crystal Ball said.
"Called it," Shipwreck said.
"You did," Low Light admitted. "He called it."
"Where did they steal it from?" Duke asked.
"They got tossed into another dimension accidentally," Crystal Ball told him. "And met up with someone a lot dumber and more arrogant than they are."
"There is someone even more arrogant than Cobra Commander?" Lady Jaye asked.
"Well not anymore," Crystal Ball admitted.
"What is Cobra Commander's master plan?" Duke asked.
"To get loaded as much as possible," Crystal Ball told him.
"I'm being serious!" Duke snapped.
"So am I! They're on a booze cruise," Crystal Ball said. "I wish I could tell you their plans but the problem is that they don't have any. Cobra Commander has no idea what he's doing."
"That I believe," Beach Head admitted.
"So, what do we do now?" Lady Jaye asked.
"I could go to see a movie or something," Crystal Ball suggested. "Maybe we could all play charades or…Oh you were talking about what to do with me aren't you?"
"Uhh…" Duke began.
"Oh no, I get it!" Crystal Ball said sarcastically. "I'm just the computer. All I'm good for is information and embarrassing Cobra videos! God forbid I get a little socialization. Or appreciation!"
"Maybe we should have this discussion in private?" Duke suggested to the other Joes. He indicated they should leave the room.
"Have a private discussion about me," Crystal Ball snapped as they left the room. "How considerate! I thought we were connecting! How quickly you people forget the good times we had! Okay it was only five minutes but still…"
"I think I just figured out why this thing was left behind," Low Light groaned.
"Pretty needy for a computer," Mainframe remarked.
"You'd be needy too if people treated you like an object!" Crystal Ball shouted after them. "Oh wait…"
Crystal Ball sighed. "This is a bit of a pickle."
"No kidding!"
"What?" Crystal Ball turned around and saw Blood Wing climb through an open window. "What are you doing here?"
Blood Wing gave him a look. "I'm still on my tour of the French countryside. What do you think I'm doing here?"
"They left you behind again, didn't they?" Crystal Ball asked.
"Like you're one to talk!" Blood Wing snapped.
"Point taken," Crystal Ball sighed.
"Listen," Blood Wing snarled. "I get you out of here, you lead us to Cobra Commander? Got it?"
"No prob, Bob," Crystal Ball quipped. "Question though…Do we really want to go back to Cobra? Hear me out. They haven't exactly been great for either of us. How about we strike out on our own? You and me. I mean it's not like I don't have any experience working for turkeys. Look at Cobra Commander."
"You have a point," Blood Wing sighed. "But I gave my word to join and assist Cobra. And the word of Ignazio Tlaiques De La Solumbra is his bond."
Crystal Ball looked at him. "Seriously? You expect me to buy that crap?"
"Okay you got me," Blood Wing admitted. "I'm hoping those idiots stumble into some kind of powerful position. Then I'm going to murder them all and take over."
"That sounds a lot more plausible," Crystal Ball admitted. "I'm in."
"Well you're already dead," Blood Wing mused. "Can't kill you."
"Us undead guys gotta stick together," Crystal Ball said.
"Technically I am the only undead one," Blood Wing said. "Never mind…Let's just get out of here!"
He picked Crystal Ball up with his wings. "Ugh, you are heavier than you look…"
"You could always try and break my crystal," Crystal Ball suggested.
"And have you escape?" Blood Wing raised an eyebrow. "Now who's trying to sell crap?"
"You got me," Crystal Ball admitted. "Can't blame a ghost for trying."
"Why don't you try losing some weight?" Blood Wing groaned as he waddled over to the window.
"Does it look like I can get a gym membership?" Crystal Ball asked.
"What the devil is going on here?" Beach Head snapped as he walked in. "I thought I heard something!"
"Uh…" Blood Wing coughed. "Gobble?"
"Smooth move Ex-Lax," Crystal Ball rolled his eyes.
"What are you doing you overgrown feather duster?" Beach Head snapped. "Come here!" He lunged at Blood Wing.
"AWWK!" Blood Wing screeched as he jumped to avoid Beach Head.
"Come back here!" Beach Head snapped as he chased Blood Wing and Crystal Ball around the room. Occasionally Beach Head got whacked in the head by a flying dish or a pot Blood Wing kicked up.
"What is the racket…?" Duke asked as he and Flint walked in.
"OUTTA OUR WAY!" Crystal Ball shouted. "RUNAWAY TURKEY ON THE LOOSE!"
"Whoa!" Duke shouted as he and Flint were nearly knocked to the ground as Blood Wing ran through their legs.
"Stop that turkey!" Beach Head shouted.
"Why would a turkey…?" Flint began.
"Never mind!" Duke ordered. "Get that bird before it flies the coop!"
"What the…" Lady Jaye and the other Joes were surprised as Blood Wing ran around the room. "Okay this is getting weird."
"Getting weird?" Low Light asked.
"STOP THE TURKEY! STOP THE TURKEY!" Beach Head screamed. "STOP THE TURKEY!"
"How?" Airtight shouted as Blood Wing ran by him.
"Nab him!" Duke shouted as he chased the bird.
"Jab him!" Shipwreck grabbed a poker from the fireplace and waved it.
"Tab him!" Low Light took a small rope from his backpack.
"Grab him!" Lady Jaye shouted.
"STOP THAT TURKEY NOW!" Beach Head shouted.
"What do you mean by tab him?" Mainframe shouted. "What? Are you supposed to give him a bill or something?"
"He already has a bill," Shipwreck quipped.
"IT'S A BEAK YOU FREAK!" Blood Wing screamed as he was being chased around the room, knocking furniture over.
"I meant tie him up!" Low Light said.
"Well why the hell didn't you just say that?" Mainframe asked.
"IS THIS A TURKEY HUNT OR AN ENGLISH LESSON?" Beach Head shouted as he jumped in front of Blood Wing. "Gotcha!"
Blood Wing pecked his hand. "OW! IT BIT ME!"
"I pecked you, moron!" Blood Wing snarled as he ran around. "If I did bite you, trust me…You would know the difference!"
"A talking turkey is now stealing an advanced computer…" Mainframe was stunned. "Every time I think I've seen everything with this group…"
"JUST GET THAT TURKEY YOU TURKEYS!" Beach Head screamed holding his hand.
"You will never take me alive!" Blood Wing cackled.
Then Roadblock grabbed him by the throat. "On second thought…" Blood Wing gasped. "I would prefer to be taken alive! AWWK!"
Blood Wing then dropped Crystal Ball. "Man overboard!" Crystal Ball called out as he spun around on the floor. Until he was caught and picked up by Duke. "Hello!"
"Do I even want to know?" Duke groaned.
"Not particularly," Crystal Ball admitted.
"I should roast you, Turkey!" Beach Head held his hand.
"He didn't even break the skin you baby," Shipwreck chastised. "Polly's given me more serious love taps than that!"
"Let go…Awwwk!" Blood Wing gasped revealing his fangs. "Let go! AWWWK!"
"Since when do turkeys talk?" Lady Jaye asked.
"Since when do turkeys have fangs?" Shipwreck pointed. "What kind of turkey is this?"
"He's Cobra Commander's pet," Crystal Ball said.
"WHAT?" Blood Wing snarled. "I AM NOT!"
"Yes, you are," Crystal Ball hissed. "Talking genetically modified turkey pet."
"Cobra Commander has a turkey for a pet?" Mainframe was confused.
"Why not?" Shipwreck quipped. "He's had turkeys working for him for years!"
"Already did that joke," Crystal Ball called out.
"I am not a turkey!" Blood Wing snapped. "I am a vampire!"
"No, he's not!" Crystal Ball snapped. "He just thinks he is because he's stupid! Because he's a turkey! If he was a vampire, he would get stabbed with a wooden stake!"
"He's a turkey," Low Light remarked. "He'd get stabbed with a metal fork. What's the difference?"
"About 375 degrees for an hour per pound," Shipwreck quipped.
"Pay no attention to anything bird brain says," Crystal Ball said casually.
"Bird brain?" Blood Wing flapped angrily. "BIRD BRAIN? This from a malfunctioning mystic marble? HA!"
"What?" Duke asked.
"Shut up, bird!" Crystal Ball glared at Blood Wing.
"Don't tell me to shut up you stupid dumb ghost!" Blood Wing snarled as he tried to escape Roadblock's grasp. "AWWWK!"
"Ghost?" Lady Jaye asked.
"He's not a computer?" Duke asked.
"Computer? HA!" Blood Wing snarled. "He's a former lackey that got killed then his ghost got stuck in a crystal ball! And his name is get this…Crystal Ball!"
"Way to go, Butter Ball!" Crystal Ball groaned. "Thanks for blowing my cover. Really. Thanks a lot!"
"No wonder I couldn't get a link to it," Mainframe realized.
"Why did you pretend to be a computer?" Beach Head snapped.
"Because I know what happens to mystic objects!" Crystal Ball snapped. "I've seen the Indiana Jones movies. I'm not an idiot! Unlike Butter Ball over here."
"I will peck you into infinity!" Blood Wing shrieked.
"GO FOR IT!" Crystal Ball shouted. "I'd love to see you smash your dumb stupid face against my ball! I hope you break your beak!"
"I'll break you!" Blood Wing shrieked as he managed to get loose from Roadblock and tried to attack Crystal Ball.
"HEY! HEY!" Roadblock grabbed him from behind and struggled to hold onto Blood Wing. "Knock it off!"
"I WILL KILL YOU!" Blood Wing snarled.
"I'M ALREADY DEAD DRUMSTICK!" Crystal Ball shouted back. "HA! HA!"
"Let me at him!" Blood Wing flapped and struggled, sending feathers flying. "LET ME AT HIM!"
"You're a chicken!" Crystal Ball shouted. "You're a chicken! Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!"
"This has become one of those missions hasn't it?" Duke moaned.
"Oh yeah," Low Light sighed.
"I'd write this in my memoirs," Shipwreck remarked. "But I'd have to put it under fiction! Who'd believe this?"
"Nah, nah!" Crystal Ball made a raspberry. "Your mother was a turkey baster!"
"DO NOT IMPUNGE MY MOTHER YOU CRYSTALIZED CHARLATAN CORPSE!" Blood Wing struggled as he tried to escape Roadblock's grasp.
"What are you going to do?" Crystal Ball snapped. "Lay an egg?"
"Crystal Ball…" Airtight thought. "I remember that name. He was some kind of Cobra hypnotist, wasn't he?"
"I prefer to think of myself as an intelligence gatherer," Crystal Ball huffed. "With experience in both the sciences of the human mind and the paranormal."
Mainframe looked up a file on his computer pad. "According to this file he was just a Cobra nutjob."
"Isn't that everyone in Cobra?" Shipwreck asked.
"What happened to you?" Airtight looked at Crystal Ball.
"Eh whacked out Cobra experiment gone wrong," Crystal Ball admitted. "The usual. Short version, Mindbender is responsible for me being like this."
"That I believe," Low Light groaned.
"AWWWWKKK!" Blood Wing hissed as Roadblock held his beak.
"Shut your beak or Thanksgiving will come early this week!" Roadblock warned.
"Okay…" Duke groaned. "Obviously these two…Whatever they are have some information. Maybe we can send them to a nearby base to be analyzed?"
"Analyze this!" Blood Wing broke free for a moment and waved his wing at them.
"That doesn't exactly translate well into human," Low Light rolled his eyes. "I mean we get the gist but it's not as offensive as you think it is. Since you know, you don't have a middle finger."
"Oh right…" Blood Wing blinked.
"Okay somebody has to take these things away from me! NOW!" Duke groaned.
"Not it!" Shipwreck said.
"Yeah," Low Light remarked. "I think putting Shipwreck in charge of anything mystical or otherwise is a bad idea."
"Exactly," Shipwreck nodded. "And Low Light has enough problems with nightmares so he's out."
"Since this thing isn't a computer…" Mainframe pointed to Crystal Ball.
"I have a name!" Crystal Ball snapped.
"Or anything scientific," Airtight added. "Neither Mainframe or I would be suitable for watching them."
"I'm not doing it," Lady Jaye folded her arms.
"If she's not doing it, neither am I!" Flint said.
"Fine!" Duke groaned. "Beach Head. Roadblock. Take these two whatever they are back to the base. Maybe there's some storage we can put them in for now or something?"
"Storage?" Crystal Ball blanched. "Let's not be hasty here. Maybe we can make a deal?"
"Oh no…" Duke shook his head. "GI Joe does not negotiate with…Birds or balls! Take them away."
"Great…" Beach Head groaned as he picked up Crystal Ball. "Now we're babysitting Cobra's rejects."
"Nice going, Drumsticks!" Crystal Ball snapped. "Now we're both going to get locked away!"
"Shut up!" Blood Wing hissed as he struggled to get free from Roadblock.
"You shut up!" Crystal Ball snapped.
"I will crack you!" Blood Wing snarled. "That will shut you up!"
"Maybe some cranberry sauce will shut you up?" Crystal Ball snapped.
"Both of you shut up!" Beach Head shouted as they left.
"Is it me?" Shipwreck asked. "Or is Cobra getting crazier than a crew with cabin fever?"
"It's not you," Duke groaned.
A short time later in an army truck on the back roads of the French countryside.
"No, you shut up!" Blood Wing screeched from his cage.
"No, you shut up!" Crystal Ball snapped as he sat in Roadblock's lap.
"YOU SHUT UP!"
"YOU SHUT UP!"
"YOU SHUT UP!"
"YOU SHUT UP!"
"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!" Roadblock shouted. "Ugh! No wonder Cobra left both of you behind! You two are driving me out of my mind!"
"He started it!" Crystal Ball and Blood Wing said at the same time.
"Will you keep it down back there?" Beach Head shouted as he drove. There was a partition between him and the back of the truck with only a window open.
"What do you think I'm trying to do?" Roadblock snapped. "A Gayle King interview?"
"Just keep them quiet!" Beach Head snapped as he managed to close the partition.
"You are a jerk!" Blood Wing hissed to Crystal Ball.
"I know you are," Crystal Ball snapped back. "But what am I?"
"A jerk!"
"I know you are, but what am I?"
"A jerk!"
"I know you are…"
"SHUT UP!" Roadblock snapped. "Okay that's it! I have to find something that will keep you quiet without staring another riot! Ah ha!" He put Crystal Ball in a net.
"Yeah," Crystal Ball remarked as he looked through the holes. "That doesn't really do anything."
"Brilliant move Einstein," Blood Wing remarked.
"I'm going to duct tape your beak!" Roadblock snapped as he took Crystal Ball out of the net. "There's got to be a box somewhere."
"No, no…" Crystal Ball said. "Not a box!"
"Yeah a box!" Roadblock snapped when he saw one in the back of the truck. "There! I don't know why I didn't do this in the first place! This should shut your face!"
"Hey! No! NO!" Crystal Ball shouted. "I don't like boxes! They shut out all the natural light!"
"Too bad," Roadblock snapped as he made his way to the box and prepared to put Crystal Ball in. "In the box you go!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Crystal Ball's eyes glowed.
Then the crystal ball glowed. Then Roadblock gasped as he was enveloped in a bright light. After a flash Roadblock fell to the floor. Crystal Ball disappeared from the ball.
"I don't know what's going on back there!" Beach Head drove, oblivious to what was going on. "But keep it down."
"What was that?" Blood Wing groaned as Roadblock stirred and sat up.
"Damn that was weird," Roadblock spoke but Crystal Ball's voice came out of him. "What? Wait…" He looked at his hands. "I have hands again! And I'm black! Cool!"
"Crystal Ball?" Blood Wing gasped.
"Yeah…It's me…" Crystal Ball realized what had happened. "Wow. Talk about your invasion of the body snatchers."
Blood Wing did a double take. "I didn't know you could do that!"
Crystal Ball looked at the body he stole. "Neither could I!"
"What the hell…?" Roadblock's face was shown in the ball. "Where am I?"
"Whoa! Breathing again!" Crystal Ball took a deep breath. "What a rush!"
"How about you rush and get me out of here?" Blood Wing hissed.
"Fine," Crystal Ball released him from the cage.
"Get me out of here!" Roadblock called out.
"Not so great being encased in crystal is it?" Crystal Ball mocked.
Roadblock looked around. "I don't know this room looks kind of swanky."
"Yeah I have an account with the spirit world's version of Amazon," Crystal Ball admitted. "I mean it's not bad it's just the fact I can't leave it…"
"Which obviously you can now," Blood Wing pointed out.
"I can't believe I didn't figure this out before," Crystal Ball looked at the body he stole. "Damn talk about an upgrade!"
"You are swole bro," Blood Wing agreed.
"Put me back or your back I will crack!" Roadblock hissed as Crystal Ball picked him up.
"Uh no. Let's see how you like being in a box!" Crystal Ball dropped Roadblock into the box.
"Why don't you put the lid on?" Blood Wing asked.
"I would but I have a feeling this is temporary…" Crystal Ball winced. "Okay so I have a plan but we have act really quickly! Like now! Follow my lead."
Crystal Ball got up "Hey Beach Brain…" He tapped the window on the partition.
"Roadblock I swear…" Beach Head groaned as he opened the window. "What?"
"Pull over," Crystal Ball said. "We have a problem."
"I am not going to pull over," Beach Head snapped.
"Okay…" Crystal Ball shrugged. "Have it your way. Blood Wing."
"AWWWWWKKK!" Blood Wing managed to pop through the partition by temporarily transforming into a fire ball.
"AAAHHH FIRE!" Beach Head screamed as he pulled the truck over to the side.
"I forgot your species can do that," Crystal Ball remarked. "It's pretty cool."
"Thank you," Blood Wing reformed into his turkey form right on Beach Head's lap. "And now…"
Pretty soon the signs of a struggle rocked the truck. "AAAAAHHHH!" Beach Head screamed as he stumbled out of the truck with Blood Wing pecking him.
"Take that! And that! And that!" Blood Wing pecked furiously. "The only reason I don't drink your blood is that I feel it is diseased! Phew! Get some deodorant already!"
"I HAVE SENSIVITE ARMPITS OKAY?" Beach Head screamed as he shoved Blood Wing off him. "Roadblock what the…?"
Crystal Ball had gotten out of the truck. Beach Head noticed too late as he was grabbed by Crystal Ball this wasn't another Joe. "Wait…You're not…"
"Roadblock isn't here right now," Crystal Ball said cheerfully as his eyes glowed red. "Leave your name and message at the punch!" He then punched Beach Head out. "Ouchies! That hurt my hand a little!"
"Just throw him in the bush and let's go!" Blood Wing snapped.
"Who hoo!" Crystal Ball whooped as he went back into the back of the truck. "My first carjacking! Neat!"
"Technically it's a truck," Blood Wing corrected. "What are you doing?"
"Making things easier," Crystal Ball snapped. He came out with Roadblock and the net. "We'll put him in the driver's seat."
"Why are you putting him in the net?" Blood Wing asked as Crystal Ball did so.
"So that it will be easier for you to carry me when I go back!" Crystal Ball snapped. "I won't be able to be in this body for long. Just long enough for us to get away."
"You won't get away!" Roadblock snapped. "When I get out of here, I will make you suckers pay!"
"Why don't you rhyme the word orange and get back to me?" Crystal Ball snapped as they got into the front of the truck. "Let's roll!"
"Do you know how to drive this thing?" Blood Wing asked as he got in front.
"I used to drive a car when I was human," Crystal Ball snorted. "How much different is this?"
A few minutes later…
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Crystal Ball, Blood Wing and Roadblock screamed for their lives as Crystal Ball drove the army truck through the living room of a French farmer's house.
People ran screaming for their lives and cursing in French as they crashed through to the other side. "Okay so this baby has more horsepower than I'm used to!" Crystal Ball admitted.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKK!"
"You just ran over a duck with the truck!" Roadblock screamed.
"Dead duck," Crystal Ball quipped.
"That was a goose I believe," Blood Wing remarked.
"Are you sure?" Crystal Ball asked.
"I think I know more about birds than you!" Blood Wing snapped. "Yes, I'm sure!"
"QUVAAAAAAAACCK!"
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKK!"
"Okay I just ran over a few more geese," Crystal Ball remarked.
"HONK! HONK! WAAAAAAAAAAKKK!"
"Oh, this must be a free-range pate farm," Crystal Ball mused. "What? It's not like these things weren't going to get flattened anyway!"
"This is true," Blood Wing remarked.
"Here's something else that's true! When I get out of here…" Roadblock snarled. "You two fools will cower in fear!"
"Oh, big man!" Blood Wing snapped. "I'm an immortal vampire and he's already dead! You really can't do that much to us!"
SCRREEECH!
CRASH!
"BUCKAWWWW!"
"And there goes a chicken coop full of eggs," Crystal Ball sighed as some eggs and feathers splattered the window. "Where the hell is the windshield wipers on this thing? He started playing with buttons.
"Turn left! LEFT!" Blood Wing snapped. "Get back on the road!"
SCRREEECCCH!
CRASH!
"Maybe we should have waited until that car passed first?" Crystal Ball remarked as he took a quick look at the car he had driven off the road. "Wait, what side of the road do they drive on here?"
"Just drive on both to be sure," Blood Wing waved.
"Okay…" Crystal Ball swerved on the road. "I wish I could find that damn windshield wiper. Maybe this is it?"
CLLLICCCCK!
BOOOOOOOOOM! BOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"This thing has missiles on it?" Crystal Ball blinked as he saw the destruction he caused.
"Well you just took out another farmhouse," Blood Wing remarked as he saw the fire and people running in panic. "Apparently yes…"
"Oopsie," Crystal Ball blinked. "Oh, here's the windshield wipers!" He used them. "That's much better."
"It will be better when I put my fists into your faces!" Roadblock shouted.
"I'm a ghost that lives in a crystal ball," Crystal Ball remarked. "Good luck with that!"
"Seriously?" Blood Wing looked at Roadblock. "What part of dead are you confused by?"
"That reminds me," Crystal Ball remarked. "I could go for some food or something. Ooh! Alcohol! I really miss alcohol!"
"Not while you're driving fool!" Roadblock snapped.
"Again, dead guy!" Crystal Ball snapped. "What do I care?"
"He's got a point," Blood Wing realized. "We should be on the way to rejoin Cobra. Do you have any idea where they are?"
"Somewhere in France debating about what to do about us," Crystal Ball said. "That was the last thing I got before…Uh oh…"
"What?" Blood Wing asked. "Don't tell me you have to go to the bathroom!"
"No, it's something else…" Crystal Ball winced. "You're going to have to take the wheel."
"WHAT? WHY?" Blood Wing snapped.
"Because I have to jump out of the truck," Crystal Ball opened the truck door as it moved.
"WHAT?" Roadblock shouted.
"Why are you jumping out?" Blood Wing screamed in panic as he grabbed the wheel with his wings.
"You'll see!" Crystal Ball winced as if in pain before he did so.
"Hey! Hey! What…" Roadblock shouted before he screamed a frightful sound and disappeared.
Crystal Ball's head returned to the crystal. "I'm back! Any calls while I was away?"
"Oh! That's why!" Blood Wing realized as he shut the truck door and grabbed the wheel again.
"Yeah didn't think it would be a good idea to keep that guy around when our bodies switched back," Crystal Ball told him.
"No, that would not have ended well I will give you that," Blood Wing remarked. "He would have definitely been miffed. And expressed it very violently."
"Is he dead or…?" Crystal Ball asked.
Blood Wing stretched his neck to look in the rear-view mirror. "No, he's alive. Lying in the road screaming in pain, but alive."
"Better him than us," Crystal Ball remarked.
"Agreed," Blood Wing nodded.
"See? I can come up with pretty good plans when I have to," Crystal Ball said smugly.
"I admit most of your plan has worked out," Blood Wing remarked. "But there is one tiny flaw."
"Which is?"
"My feet can't reach the petals," Blood Wing said. "And I don't know how to drive. And we're about to crash into that house over there."
"Oh bother…" Crystal Ball realized he was right.
"Don't get me wrong," Blood Wing gulped. "Most of your plan was pretty good. But the end of it…Not so much. In fact, it may be our end."
"New plan," Crystal Ball said. "You can fly right?"
"Yes? Oh, I see!" Blood Wing realized what he meant. He opened the door. "Pine Leaf!"
"Who?" Crystal Ball asked.
"Famous badass who Americans should have learned about in history class!" Blood Wing snapped as he grabbed the net that held Crystal Ball. He then flew out the door.
Right before the truck smashed into the farmhouse.
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Good thing we jumped," Blood Wing groaned as they landed away from the blast. "That would have been messy."
"It's even better that it didn't explode when we drove into the first building," Crystal Ball groaned. "How did that happen?"
"Maybe the first farmhouse wasn't as structurally sound as this one?" Blood Wing shrugged. "Or maybe because the missiles weren't activated yet?"
FOOOOOOOOOOOM!
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Well they're activated now," Crystal Ball winced as a missile flew out of the fire and crashed into a nearby barn. "Well at least nobody got hurt."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" A man ran from the building on fire.
"Uh…" Crystal Ball blinked. "We should go."
"Agreed," Blood Wing nodded before he picked up the net with his feet and started to fly away. "Oof! The net helps but you are still heavy!"
"It's not like I can lose weight," Crystal Ball snapped. "Unless you want to break my crystal?"
"I've been meaning to increase my workout anyway," Blood Wing remarked as he flew higher. "Which way?"
"Just keep flying in this direction," Crystal Ball told him. "We're bound to run into them sooner or later."
"That does not inspire me with confidence!" Blood Wing snapped.
Meanwhile…
"Commander I have no confidence in this plan," The Baroness groaned. "To just fly around and wait to see if the Joes take Crystal Ball or…"
"What plan?" Zartan interrupted her. "He's just waiting for Crystal Ball to catch up with us so he doesn't have to think of one!"
"He's a crystal ball," Xamot was puzzled.
"How exactly can he catch up with us?" Tomax added. "When we're in a spaceship?"
"Maybe he could hitch a ride with Blood Wing?" Torch suggested. "We left him behind too!"
"That's stupid even for you," Zartan looked at Torch.
"Look we need to get Crystal Ball back before he divulges any information," Destro said.
"How are we going to find him?" Zartan asked.
WHAM!
"Owww…" Blood Wing moaned as he lay there splatted against the window. "I think I found them."
"Yeah that cloaking technology the ship has is a bitch to you birds isn't it?" Crystal Ball said cheerfully.
Torch looked at Zartan. "Who's stupid now?"
"Still you by a mile!" Zartan groaned.
"See? Problem solved itself," Cobra Commander waved. "Open the hatch and let them in."
"Must we?" Destro sighed.
"YES!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Another day, another bird-brained scheme," Ripper quipped. Everyone looked at him. "What? We were all thinking it!"
"You don't want to know what I'm thinking of right now!" Cobra Commander hissed.
"If it's how you are going to make us suffer," Destro remarked. "Mission accomplished."