The Crappiest Place On Earth

"Well look who finally decided to show up!" Cobra Commander snapped as Ripper and Monkeywrench brought both Blood Wing and Crystal Ball back in.

"You left me behind!" Blood Wing snapped.

"To retrieve Crystal Ball," Cobra Commander said. "Which you did. Good job."

"He actually forgot about you," Torch said.

"I figured that out!" Blood Wing snapped.

"To be fair we all forgot about you two," Zarana remarked.

"Shut up! Give me that!" Cobra Commander snapped as he took Crystal Ball. "It's time you were actually useful around here!"

"You mean besides the time I saved all your asses from the Quebec Separatist Movement not even a few weeks ago?" Crystal Ball asked.

"It's not like we don't know Chompers did a lot of the work!" Monkeywrench snapped.

"Shut up!" Cobra Commander snapped. He looked at Crystal Ball. "Except you! I want you to sing like Sinatra!"

"You want me to use my powers to find the other Cobras, don't you?" Crystal Ball sighed.

"No, I want to know where they're hiding Jimmy Hoffa!" Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "Yes! I want to know where those idiots who are supposedly in my employment are!"

"You know you could have just asked me earlier?" Crystal Ball told him. "Would have saved us a lot of time."

Cobra Commander sputtered. "Just tell me you hunk of…"

"Burning love?" Crystal Ball quipped.

"AAAAHHHHH!" Cobra Commander shook the ball. "JUST TELL ME ALREADY!"

"Calm down!" Crystal Ball snapped. "I'm a ghost! Not a Magic 8 Ball! But I think I know where they are! And it's not that far away."

"It isn't?" The Baroness asked. "Where?"

"At that theme park Cobra owns," Crystal Ball explained. "Not even an hour from here."

"We have a theme park?" Cobra Commander blinked. "In France?"

"Yeah the twins bought it about twenty five years ago," Crystal Ball explained. "Remember when the Dizzy Corporation tanked and they sold off pieces of their intellectual property and real estate all over?"

"The Dizzy Corporation…" Destro remembered. "That's the company that makes those annoyingly cute cartoons with rabbits isn't it?"

"Yeah Dizzy Bunny and Buds," Crystal Ball nodded. "The original company tanked when their CEO and creator Brisby Malt died. It didn't help that he went under well let's just say very disturbing circumstances."

"I remember reading about him having a heart attack in that underground S&M gay bar," Destro remarked.

"I remember watching the news about the whole thing," Zarana said. "Wow. That guy was weird."

"Anyway, the Twins bought twenty five percent of the company," Crystal Ball remarked. "And part of what they bought was Dizzy Land France."

"Dizzy? Not Disney?" Ripper asked.

"Similar company but not the same," Crystal Ball coughed.

"But…?" Ripper blinked.

"NOT THE SAME!" Crystal Ball snapped.

"Hang on," Destro realized. "Isn't the Dizzy Corporation worth millions of dollars?"

"Over a billion now," Crystal Ball said smugly. "They put in a new TV channel a few years ago with a few hit shows and some killer merchandising."

"I know that company!" Tiffany spoke up. "They made those great animated movies these past few years! The Bionic Princess! Melted! Attina the Mermaid Queen!"

"I remember that last one!" Torch said. "She had way more interesting adventures than her sister that ran off with that sailor prince!"

"They also did those TV shows!" Buzzer realized. "The Leopard Boys! Haley's Home! Banana Marana! The Country Blues! Severity Rises!"

"We get it!" Cobra Commander snapped. "They're a hit company with a lot of crap to sell! And we've been partners for over twenty-five years? Why the hell didn't you twin twits tell us?"

"I would like to know the answer to that question myself," Tiffany growled. "I'd kill for some free Dizzy merchandise!"

"Me too," Torch snapped.

"You'd kill for any reason," Mindbender pointed out.

"Well yeah," Torch said. "But Dizzy stuff is on my top ten list!"

"Mine too," Zarana said. Everyone looked at her. "I like princesses! Okay?"

"So why are we just hearing about this now?" Buzzer snarled.

"I would also like to hear the answer to that question," Destro folded his arms.

"Uh…" Xamot gulped.

"We…forgot," Tomax admitted hesitantly.

"They didn't," Crystal Ball said smugly.

"WHAT?" Cobra Commander screamed.

"They're keeping the profits for themselves," Crystal Ball explained. "Because they were planning on ditching Cobra in the future. Or taking it over."

"We're going to sell you on E-bay!" Tomax shouted.

"You talking paperweight!" Xamot snapped.

"I'll sell the two of you on E-Bay!" Cobra Commander put down Crystal Ball on his chair and stormed over to them. "What's left of you!"

"Yeah they put a Cobra in charge of their part of the company to run it for them," Crystal Ball said gleefully. "To be fair the guy in charge thinks that these two are still loyal to Cobra. So…"

"Who is in charge of our share of the Dizzy Company?" Destro asked.

"I'll give you a clue," Crystal Ball said. "It's a Cobra we haven't seen in a long time."

Torch blinked. "It's not Major Bludd is it?"

"Oh God no," Crystal Ball snorted. "That man is barely alive as it is."

"Still not dead huh?" Cobra Commander paused.

"Not for lack of the universe trying," Crystal Ball admitted.

"I'm not going to waste time playing the guessing game," Destro snapped. "Just tell us who it is."

"Remember Lieutenant Clay Moore?" Crystal Ball asked.

"I do," Cobra Commander gasped. "He was one of the few people in my organization that was actually competent!"

"And saved your scaly hide a few times," Crystal Ball remarked. "Well he's the CEO now of Dizzy World. Look!"

Crystal Ball showed an image of a magazine with a handsome African American man as a CEO. "That's him all right," Destro realized.

"I remember that magazine," Zartan realized. "I thought that bloke looked familiar!"

"This is information I could have used a long time ago!" Cobra Commander glared at Crystal Ball.

"Again, all you had to do was ask," Crystal Ball gave him a look. "It's not like I was deliberately hiding information from you for personal gain. Unlike…You know?" He tilted his head towards the twins. The twins glared back.

"Commander," Destro sighed. "I suggest it would be prudent to immediately go to this base and take assessment of the base and its occupants before further action. We may find more useful information as well as weaponry."

"As usual Destro you are the voice of reason around here," Cobra Commander growled. "Very well, set course for Dizzy Land France!"

"Setting course," Zartan nodded as he went to do so.

"Hang on, I was going to do something first," Cobra Commander paused. "Oh right. Now I remember."

Then he started wailing on both Xamot and Tomax. "OW! OW! OW! OW!" The twins screamed in pain.

"Phones out!" Destro calmly called. Everyone else took out their phones.

"Heh, it's funny when you're not on the other end of the beating," Zartan snickered.

"It was funny when you were," The Baroness remarked. Zartan glared at her.

Cobra Base Number 26: Dizzy Land Theme Park, France.

"You idiots bought this?" Cobra Commander was stunned at the sight of the extremely decrepit abandoned park. "Rusted rides that look like they're going to fall down any second. Overgrown vegetation all over the place. Cracked sidewalks filled with weeds. A herd of deer over by what looks like the food court. Some kind of rat on what's left of the teacup ride!"

"I believe that is a marmot," Mindbender told him. He was holding Crystal Ball.

"Potato, po-varmint-o!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Still a rodent which is nothing more than an oversized rat! This is clearly not the happiest place on Earth! Unless you're a weed."

"More like the Crappiest Place on Earth," Zartan remarked.

"I'm afraid this park never really caught on in Europe," Xamot admitted. He and his brother both had black eyes and bruises all over them.

"It went out of business almost the same week it opened," Tomax added.

"It's the perfect place for a hideout," Mindbender remarked. "Looks like no one has gone near this place in over a decade!"

"Two decades actually," Crystal Ball corrected him.

"WHOOO HOOO!" Several voices in the distance were heard. Along with the sounds of a rollercoaster operating.

"Well someone is clearly here," The Baroness remarked.

CRAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSHHHH!

"And they're trying the rides," The Baroness winced.

"Riding a roller coaster at a decrepit theme park without testing the equipment first," Destro sighed. "There are Cobras here all right."

"Might as well walk towards the sounds of destruction and agonizing pain…" Cobra Commander sighed.

Not that far away a bunch of Cobras were at a rollercoaster. Well they were looking at a rollercoaster car wreck. The car had ended up off the tracks and had crashed into a wall. Several Cobra grunts were groaning in agony. And some were just plain dead.

"Okay so we definitely need to fix the roller coaster before anyone else rides it," Copperhead said to Firefly.

"I told you," Firefly groaned. "Any survivors?"

"Here…" One Cobra on the rollercoaster groaned.

"Okay one two three…" Copperhead counted. "Huh, four out of eight are still alive. That's not too bad. We broke even."

"I think I broke my leg…" Another Cobra whined.

"Somebody get the survivors to a medic," Firefly sighed. "And the rest of you find a nice ditch to bury the bodies."

"Make sure it's very large," Cobra Commander walked up to them with his group. "There may be more bodies coming soon."

"Cobra Commander?" Firefly was shocked.

"You're here?" Copperhead was stunned.

"Surprise!" Cobra Commander sang.

"How did you find us?" Copperhead asked.

"Oh, it was easy," Cobra Commander said cheerfully. "I looked for the most decrepit waste of space there was in France. And lo and behold…I found the employees that are even bigger wastes of space!"

"Crystal Ball blabbed," Tomax grumbled.

"Thanks a lot, you stone stool pigeon!" Copperhead groaned. "Great! Now we're stuck with these base wrecking losers!"

"Didn't you also wreck a couple of bases?" The Baroness glared at him.

"Eh, accidents happen," Copperhead shrugged.

"Obviously," Destro remarked as he looked at the surviving Cobras being carried away from the wreckage.

"I just remembered something," Xamot glared at Copperhead.

"Didn't you betray us and joined Mongoose Incorporated?" Tomax snapped.

"Oh, you remembered that huh?" Copperhead coughed.

"I thought it was weird you were back," Torch realized. "When Vapor and Zero did that show about you!"

"I forgot all about that," Cobra Commander realized. "What the hell?"

"You people do realize that all Cobra's assets including Cobra now belong to Mongoose Incorporated right?" Copperhead sighed. "Which is actually just another fake name to cover up Cobra's activities! It's still Cobra! It just has other people running it now under a different name!"

"I forgot…" Destro realized.

"So did I!" Cobra Commander groaned.

"In our defense we got really hammered after that meeting," Mindbender admitted. "And it was years ago. Or at least it seems like it."

"So that means when we were blowing up all those Mongoose Incorporated buildings…?" Zartan realized.

"We were blowing up Cobra's own assets," Destro groaned.

"That was you?" Copperhead gasped. "Should have known! Who else would screw up that badly?"

"HEY!" The Cobras from the spaceship snapped.

"If you're so great what are you doing here?" Zarana pointed at him.

"I got demoted!" Copperhead snapped. "Kwinn's backstabbing son took over my job!"

"Kwinn has a son?" Destro asked. "Who exactly is running Mongoose Incorporated now?"

"Kwinn is chairman of the board," Copperhead explained. "Raptor, Dr. Venom, Ghost Bear AKA Jessie Kwinn Jr…."

"Jessie Jr?" Ripper asked. "Kwinn's first name is Jessie?"

"Yes!" Copperhead snapped. "That crazy robotics scientist Hotwire. Commander Deming…"

"Wasn't she kicked out when we were?" Zartan asked.

"She got back in," Copperhead groaned. "Guess who's dating Jessie Jr.?"

"Why am I not surprised?" The Baroness groaned.

"Vypra AKA Ann. A. Conda," Copperhead listed. "And Vanguard AKA Nick Bailey."

Zandar remembered something. "Wasn't Vanguard part of our Plague Troopers?"

"He is now head of human resources," Copperhead told him.

"Pretty fitting job if you think about it," Zandar said to the others.

"How did you get demoted?" Zarana asked Copperhead.

Firefly spoke up. "You know what you're not supposed to do with thousands of dollars of company money, your female secretary and an unauthorized trip to Vegas?"

"I have an inkling," Destro remarked.

"He did that," Firefly nodded.

"What happened to your secretary?" Zarana asked.

Copperhead groaned. "She is now dating the head of human resources. Don't ask! It's a long stupid story. But in hindsight it was such a bad idea to ask her to file all evidence of my embezzlement and then call her fat. And then cheat on her with one of those showgirls."

"I can see where you went wrong," Cobra Commander remarked.

"Then you can see yourselves out!" Copperhead pointed.

"Excuse me?" Destro growled.

"There is no excuse for you people!" Copperhead snapped. "I am so sick of you lame brains running Cobra into the ground! Which you did! But not anymore! You're not even technically part of this organization anymore! Which means you have no right to be here! SCRAM!"

"Oh really?" Cobra Commander said in a very calm tone. "That's how it is, isn't it?"

"Yeah that's how it is," Copperhead said smugly. "And let me tell you something Commander, I may be demoted, but at least I'm still part of this organization! Unlike you!"

"Uh oh…" Firefly gulped as he stepped away from Copperhead.

"Smart move mate," Torch whispered to Firefly.

"You know I always wanted to tell you off," Copperhead went on. "What a whiny little loser you are. How you're such a freaking failure it's not funny. You are the most incompetent, insipid, narcissistic nitwit I have ever had the bad luck to meet! It's not a shock that you lost everything and Cobra failed miserably! It's more of a shock that you're still alive!"

"Still one up on you," Cobra Commander growled menacingly.

"What do you mean by that…?" Copperhead began.

ZZZZAAAAP!

Copperhead didn't even have time to blink as he fell dead to the floor, a large laser hole in his heart. "Ooh that's a mess," Ripper winced.

"Consider this a hostile takeover," Cobra Commander said calmly has he held his smoking blaster. "Anybody else have a problem with me returning as your leader?"

The remaining Cobras looked at each other. "All hail Cobra Commander!" Firefly called out in a loud voice.

"All hail Cobra Commander! All hail Cobra Commander!" The others cheered.

"Owwww…" An injured Cobra groaned in pain.

"Well then," Cobra Commander put his blaster back in his holster. "That takes care of that business. Speaking of which. Where the hell are Vapor and Zero? I want a few words with them."

"Not here. They were kicked out yesterday," Firefly told him. "Apparently they didn't realize who they were working for either. Plus, you know? All those stupid shows and the incident with the base in Greenland."

"Of course, they're not here!" Cobra Commander groaned. "Get on the phone and tell those idiots to come back to base now! I want to have a talk with them!"

"So does Mr. Tire Iron," Zartan quipped.

"What part of kicked out do you not get?" Firefly told him. "Copperhead took their communicators. They left with Scrap Iron and a few other guys to somewhere else."

"Probably going off to another base," Destro mused. "What now Commander?"

"This is my plan," Cobra Commander said. "It has two parts: Part One: Retake what's left of the remaining Cobra bases and consolidate Cobra in Europe."

"What about the bases we already checked or destroyed?" The Baroness asked.

"Forget them," Cobra Commander waved. "They're lost causes. Especially the one in Lichtenstein."

Mindbender blinked. "That's where my family is staying."

"Bingo!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Although I do admit they make lovely schnapps so…Yeah leave them alone. For now."

"Until he needs a refill," Crystal Ball quipped.

Cobra Commander ignored him. "Then after we do that, we will launch an assault on Mongoose Industries and take back full control of Cobras from those traitors once and for all!"

"How?" Destro asked.

"HELLO?" Cobra Commander shouted as he pointed at Copperhead's corpse. "Is that too difficult a plan for you to follow, Destro?"

"I'm on board," The Baroness growled. "I call dibs on Deming!"

"I want Dr. Venom," Mindbender called out.

"I'll take Raptor!" Zarana shouted.

"I wanted Raptor!" Zartan snapped.

"Tough!" Zarana snapped. "I called it!"

"I want Hotwire," Firefly spoke up. "But after he pays what he owes me. What? He's no good to me dead until I get paid!"

"How does he owe you money?" Zartan asked.

"Fantasy football gambling," Firefly explained.

"That would do it," Zartan remarked.

"You're all going to have a shot at those idiots!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Literally. Everybody gets at least one shot."

"What's the second half of the plan?" Firefly asked.

"Hunt down those idiots Vapor and Zero and make them pay for all the stupid shows they made us watch!" Cobra Commander snapped.