The Ups And Downs Of Terrorism

"Finally," Cobra Commander strode into a large conference room that had been built underground. "A base worthy of Cobra!"

Destro, The Baroness, The Twins, Zartan, Firefly, Zarana, Zandar, Crystal Ball and Mindbender were with him. "It's a run-down abandoned amusement park," Destro sighed. "That hasn't worked in decades!"

"You don't see the irony, do you?" Zartan quipped.

"Oh, dear God I do," The Baroness groaned.

"I thought it was fitting too," Firefly sighed.

"Why are you at this meeting?" Zandar asked.

"Why are you at Cobra at all?" Zarana asked. "I thought you retired years ago!"

"I did. Got bored," Firefly admitted. "And the pay is a lot better here than you think."

"You get paid?" Mindbender gasped.

"Paid, embezzling funds from Mongoose Incorporated," Firefly waved. "Same difference."

"Where's Blood Wing?" Crystal Ball asked as Mindbender put him on the table.

"He said he wanted a snack and a break," Cobra Commander waved as the Cobras sat down.

Destro did a double take. "Dear God! I saw him dragging away Copperhead's body!"

"Vampire! Duh!" Crystal Ball rolled his eyes. "I guess he didn't want to waste good blood."

"I thought he preferred lizard blood?" Zandar asked.

"You bought that didn't you?" Crystal Ball remarked.

"Wait you guys got a vampire turkey?" Firefly blinked. "That talks?"

"It's a vampire that can turn into turkey in the daylight," The Baroness explained. "Instead of turning into dust. We found him in Mexico."

"Well that makes about as much sense as anything else I've seen in Cobra," Firefly groaned.

"Can we get on with this meeting?" Destro asked. "I propose the first thing we do is take stock of the bases' resources."

"I agree!" Cobra Commander said. "Starting with the bar and our alcohol supply!"

"You really have a problem," Crystal Ball spoke up. "You know that, right?"

"Yeah I didn't want to say anything," Firefly added. "But I've been noticing that you're hitting the sauce a lot harder than you used to back in the day."

"You actually care?" Zartan asked.

"I care about my paycheck," Firefly explained. "If he buys it before he signs it or gets alcohol poisoning…"

"Oh, I see what you mean," Zartan nodded.

"For the record you are not the only one who has had that thought," Zandar added.

"Can we forget about the Commander's alcoholism?" Destro asked. "Because frankly that ship hit an iceberg long ago. There's no point in discussing it until he actually does die of alcohol poisoning. Or chokes on a swizzle stick. Or his own vomit…"

"I'm sitting right here!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"But for how long?" Zandar asked. "That's kind of our point."

"Let's just take stock of what resources this base has," Destro pressed on. "Firefly do you have an estimate?"

"Better yet," Firefly took out a tablet. "I've got everything right here."

"Good," Destro said. "Tell us what we have."

"We currently have 348 troopers on base," Firefly went down the list. "If you don't count the Dreadnoks."

"Nobody does," The Baroness said.

"It may be 344 or less depending on who survived the roller coaster crash," Firefly shrugged. "But you get a rough estimate."

"Fine," Cobra Commander waved.

"It used to be 562 until the split," Firefly went on. "Of course, some people just didn't survive Greenland. But I estimate Vapor and Zero took at least 200 people with them."

"Again," Cobra Commander sighed. "We'll blow up that bridge when we get there. What I want to know is what resources we have here!"

"Let's see," Firefly looked at the pad. "We have 143 laser rifles. 52 regular rifles with sixteen crates of ammunition. Sixteen whips. Nine bows with two hundred arrows…"

"Bows and arrows?" The Baroness asked.

"Whips?" Zarana added.

"They had a Wild West show when the park first opened," Firefly explained. "And a medieval themed show. They left behind nine jousting lances, seventeen swords, Twelve crossbows, a bunch of shields and one of those mace things. Oh, and a catapult."

"Terrific," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "If we're ever invaded by the Vikings we'll be prepared. Any vehicles?"

Firefly looked at his list. "12 Trouble Bubbles. Five Hiss Tanks. Two Mamba helicopters. Eight Stingers. Three jeeps. Twenty-six go-carts. And a Volkswagen that had been left to rust in the parking lot. Apparently, its muffler is missing. And two of its tires. And it's engine."

"We've done more with less," Mindbender shrugged. "What about the science labs?"

"Oh, that's easy," Firefly said. "We don't have any."

"What?" Mindbender gasped.

"Those were converted into storage units years ago," Firefly explained.

"What's in the units?" The Baroness asked.

"Let's see…" Firefly looked at the pad. "Fifty boxes full of various stuffed animals. Ten boxes full of novelty hats. Two boxes full of collector's pins. Two more boxes full of hula hoops."

"Hula hoops?" Destro barked.

"They had a hula hoop show," Firefly shrugged. "And a yo-yo show. Apparently, there are three crates full of yo-yos!"

The Baroness groaned. "Sometimes I think Cobra is full of nothing but yo-yos."

"Forty pounds of candy corn," Firefly read.

"What?" The Baroness asked.

"I know," Firefly waved. "Nobody likes candy corn!"

"I do," Mindbender remarked.

"Nobody with an ounce of taste likes candy corn!" Zartan snapped.

"Fifteen cotton candy machines," Firefly went on. "Fifteen popcorn machines. Twelve hot dog carts. Six crates full of toy wands, swords, shields and toy maces. Nine crates of perfume…"

"Perfume?" The Baroness asked.

"This park had one of those upscale boutiques," Firefly explained. "It didn't do well. Then again the whole park didn't do well…"

"We have nine crates of perfume?" Zarana asked.

"Twenty-year-old perfume," Firefly corrected her. "And since perfume normally lasts three to five years…"

"I see…" Destro sighed.

"I would not recommend opening those bottles anytime soon," Firefly explained.

"We won't," Zarana sighed.

Firefly went on. "Even a skunk would be offended by that smell!"

"We get the picture," Destro interrupted.

"Again, perfume usually lasts three to five years," Firefly added. "Opened or not."

"We know…" The Baroness said.

"And that's just the good stuff," Firefly went on. "The stuff we got ain't exactly Chanel Number Five if you get my drift."

"We do," The Baroness sighed.

Firefly went on. "More like five hundred gallons of cheapo crap you could use as lighter fluid."

"WE GET IT!" Cobra Commander snapped. "What else?"

"Seven boxes full of paperweights and snow globes," Firefly added. "All unopened. A couple boxes full of costumes and props."

"Isn't there anything we can use?" Cobra Commander asked.

"We just restocked the bar two days ago," Firefly went on. "Nine crates of wine. Fifty bottles of scotch. Twenty bottles of gin. Twenty more bottles of tequila…"

"Okay!" Cobra Commander nodded. "Now we're getting somewhere!"

"Let's just skim over happy hour for a moment," Destro spoke up. "Is there anything else useful about this base? What about surface to air missiles?"

"We don't have any of those," Firefly said. "Or anything else that can protect us from an areal attack. Other than the vehicles I just told you about."

"Ah," Destro nodded. "That might be something we need to work on. Immediately."

"I'm sure Mindbender and Zartan can help get that up and running," Cobra Commander waved.

"Without missiles?" Zartan asked.

"It's not like we can go to the store to get them!" The Baroness added.

"Then make some!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Mindbender is the scientific genius here! I'm sure he can whip something up! And Zartan I know you've done more than your share of bomb making!"

"I could always look over the storage units myself and see what I can do," Mindbender admitted.

"See? This is what I am talking about," Cobra Commander said. "And again, we have the damn spaceship! I'm sure we'll be fine as long as we have that. I know this isn't ideal. But we can make the best of it. Everyone knows that terrorism has its ups and downs…"

CRASH!

Destro sighed as the base slightly shook. "I feel a down coming on…"

"Oh, what fresh Hell has arrived at my doorstep now?" Cobra Commander groaned as he got up to investigate.

Soon the Cobras were looking at the go-cart Area. And a huge go-cart pile up that was on fire. And several burning bodies. "Don't tell me," Cobra Commander sighed. "Let me guess. You lot decided to soup up the go-carts and they went out of control and they crashed into each other. Am I right?"

"Uh…" Monkeywrench coughed as he threw away a wrench. "Maybe?"

"I think you called it Cobra Commander," Destro sighed. "And I'm guessing none of the victims here are Dreadnoks. No. I see you all here. Alive. Shame."

"Did anybody survive?" Zarana asked.

"That guy," Torch pointed. "No wait. He's dead too. Just twitching."

"I may have to recount the troop numbers," Firefly admitted. "A bit of a loss here."

"Okay new rule," Cobra Commander sighed. "From now on, nobody goes on any of the rides!"

"Awww…" A collective groan went up from the Dreadnoks and Cobra grunts.

"Hey! I don't want any of you idiots dead!" Cobra Commander snapped. "At least until you've outlived your usefulness."

"Admittedly for a lot of you that won't be long," The Baroness grumbled.

"You're on that list yourself," Cobra Commander snapped. "Don't be so smug! In fact, almost all of you idiots can be replaced! And I would if I could find one!"

"Almost all of us?" Destro raised an eyebrow. "Who do you consider invaluable besides yourself?"

"Crystal Ball," Cobra Commander pointed. "Duh!"

"How is he invaluable when you left him behind?" Zartan snapped.

"Technically you left him behind," Torch corrected.

"Shut up Torch!" Zartan snapped. "What makes him indispensable?"

"Well for one thing he's already dead," Cobra Commander remarked. "Which means I don't have to worry about him chickening out for fear of getting killed. And two other reasons. One he can locate things…"

"And the other?" Destro asked.

"I can watch free cable on him," Cobra Commander pointed. "Plus, it turns out we like almost all the same shows so…"

"The curse of having good taste," Crystal Ball quipped.

"Being in Cobra is a curse," Destro grumbled to himself.