Tour De Cobra

"All right," Cobra Commander waved as Cobra Commander settled down into their seats in the conference room. "Let's get this meeting underway. We have a lot to do."

"I'd like to bring up a point," Destro spoke up.

"When do you not?" Crystal Ball quipped from his place on the table.

"Tell me about it," Cobra Commander agreed.

"Our last encounter with the Joes was a little too close for comfort," Destro remarked.

"You're telling me!" Blood Wing growled. He was back in human form. "I almost got my feathers roasted."

"I feel that more caution should be observed," Destro said. "The Joes are still in France. And they may be aware of Cobra's connection with Mongoose Incorporated."

"Basically, that Mongoose Incorporated is Cobra but with different leadership," Firefly spoke up.

"Precisely," Destro nodded. "They may not be aware of the coup but that may not matter to them."

"Please," Cobra Commander waved. "GI Joe doesn't have a clue on what is going on with us and Mongoose Incorporated. We just have to be more careful."

"Yeah we've been so discreet before," Zarana quipped.

"What about Mongoose Incorporated?" Destro asked. "Sooner or later that group is going to figure out we're messing with their operations."

"I've already taken out Copperhead," Cobra Commander sniffed.

"Who was demoted!" Destro snapped. "He was no longer part of the high command."

"Good point," Cobra Commander nodded. "Okay we need to get information about everyone in Mongoose Incorporated high command and take them out one by one."

"I get Deming!" The Baroness called out.

"You can't call dibs on an assassination!" Firefly said.

"Wanna bet?" The Baroness growled.

"Let's move on, shall we?" Cobra Commander sighed. "Your report Firefly."

"I've made a final troop count," Firefly told them. "Not counting Cobra Command or the Dreadnoks we have exactly 335 troops here. Four are still in the infirmary."

A Cobra Trooper walked up to Firefly and showed him some papers. "Oh…" Firefly waved the trooper away. "Correction. Two of the soldiers in the infirmary have died so the count is now 333. But the other two are hanging on. And we've already got the paperwork for the death benefits for the fallen troopers and expect to get a windfall on their life insurance policies."

"Okay fine," Cobra Commander waved. "At least someone around here is on the ball. What else is on the agenda for today?"

"We're going to check all the remaining bases in France," Destro said. "Those idiots Vapor and Zero couldn't have gotten that far."

"Fine Destro," Cobra Commander waved. "You do that. Take Zartan and the Dreadnoks with you."

"Why them?" The Baroness asked.

"Because this is a serious mission, not a date!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Besides I need you here to coordinate the repairs and essential functions of our base."

"The bar is well stocked," The Baroness gave him a look.

"Like that!" Cobra Commander waved as he left the room. "I'm going to stay behind and strategize! Cobra Commander out!"

"More like stay behind and get soused," Destro grumbled.

"Let's just go," Zartan sighed. "Come on brother and sister. Let's round up the Dimwit Brigade."

"And some air freshener," Destro grumbled.

Zandar shrugged. "Couldn't hurt."

Cobra Base Number 27: Chamonix Valley, Chateau De Arbco ski resort.

"We have a base in a ski resort?" Zartan remarked as they looked out the window to a snow covered building on a mountain."

Destro remarked. "Yes. But this particular base hasn't been used in years. Usually for fears of…"

ZZZAAPPPP!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

RRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMBLE!

"Avalanches…" Destro sighed as a roar of snow swept over and then destroyed the entire building. He turned and glared at the Dreadnoks. "All right, who did that?"

The other Dreadnoks pointed at Torch. "It's not my fault!" Torch protested. "See, Ripper was saying that he could use the lasers on the spaceship to shoot the top of that tree over there. Well that tree's gone now. And I told him I could do it better. So…"

"I think we can imagine what happened next," Zartan sighed. "Oh, wait we don't. I can clearly see the destruction from here!"

"Oops," Torch gulped.

Destro made a sound of disgust. "Let's just go to the next base, shall we? And try not to destroy this one!"

Cobra Base Number 28: Epernay, France.

"So, what's so special about this place anyway?" Zarana asked as they made their way to the coordinates to the next base.

"This region of France famous for champagne," Destro explained.

"So, pick up a couple of bottles for Cobra Commander?" Tiffany asked.

"That would be prudent, yes," Destro sighed. "Are we close to the base?"

"Yeah," Monkeywrench looked at the instruments. "It should be around here somewhere. What is it again?"

"It's another vineyard," Zartan looked at the list.

"All I see is a lot of burned rubble," Monkeywrench looked out the window.

"Oh, for the love of…" Destro saw the destruction for himself. "That burned rubble is the base!"

"You mean it was the base," Buzzer said. "Past tense mate."

"Okay this one wasn't us!" Torch spoke up.

"I have a feeling Vapor and Zero were here," Destro sighed.

"Even if they weren't, we're just going to blame them anyway, right?" Zarana asked.

"Exactly," Zartan sighed. "Let's go to the next base."

"I'm in charge Zartan!" Destro snapped. "I decide when we go! Let's go!"

"Decisive leadership as usual Destro," Zandar rolled his eyes.

"Oh, shut up you pink haired twit!" Destro snapped.

"I'm starting to envy the Baroness for not being here," Zarana groaned.

"Me too," Tiffany agreed.

"We're still going to get some booze, right?" Torch asked. Everyone looked at him. "It's a valid question!"

Interlude: A nearby vineyard

"Go! Go! Go!" Destro waved his blaster as the Dreadnoks grabbed several cases of champagne from the vineyard's storage bar. "Put it on the ship! Hurry up!"

"Destro there's no rush," Zartan rolled his eyes as he carried a case. "You read the note and we both can read French. The owners and everyone who works here has gone to a wedding for the day."

"That was a freebie," Tiffany said as she carried a huge crate.

"So are these!" Torch chucked as he carried some champagne.

"Where's Monkeywrench?" Zartan asked.

"I'm right here!" Monkeywrench walked up with a cute brown and white goat on a leash.

"You have got to be kidding me?" Zartan groaned.

"What?" Monkeywrench asked. "Chompers needs a girlfriend!"

"Are you sure it's a girl?" Buzzer asked.

"Yeah I'm sure!" Monkeywrench snapped. "I had an uncle who owned a goat farm for a brief time! It's a girl! Trust me on this!"

"Fine! I don't want to argue!" Destro groaned. "Just put it in the back so I don't have to see it. Or smell it."

"Why?" Zarana quipped. "The goat smells better than the Dreadnoks!"

Destro paused. "You have a point…"

Cobra Base Number 29: Etretat Cliffs, France.

"Wow, it sure is pretty with those white cliffs," Tiffany whistled as she looked out the window. "And that beautiful blue ocean!"

"We have a base here?" Zarana asked.

"According to these notes it's a house that was purchased by the twins a few years ago by the ocean," Destro looked at a pad.

Twenty minutes later…

"Correction," Destro sighed as he and the Dreadnoks stood on the beach. "It's a former fisherman's shack that's in the ocean!"

"What's left of it," Zarana remarked as they looked at a wrecked small shed that was almost covered by the ocean.

"So, this so-called base is nothing more than a run-down shack that was carried away by the sea?" Zartan snapped.

"I suspect this was not one of the twins' wiser purchases," Destro groaned.

"Let's just blame this one on Vapor and Zero as well and go," Zandar suggested.

"Good plan," Zartan agreed.

"Yes," Destro coughed. "Vapor and Zero are definitely behind this."

"That's our story and we're sticking with it!" Buzzer agreed.

"And if we don't," Torch groaned. "We'll get stuck."

Interlude: Paris

"Why are we here?" Destro asked as he looked out from the bridge.

"Because Torch and the others wanted to see the Eiffel Tower," Zartan sighed.

"You lot have already seen the Eiffel Tower!" Destro snapped. "When Cobra stole it!"

"That was years ago!" Ripper protested.

"We haven't seen it since then," Torch added.

"Okay fine," Destro groaned as he pointed out the window. "Look. There's the Eiffel Tower. Over there's the Arc De Triomphe. And way over there is Notre Dame. Everything else is Paris! Happy?"

"Can we steal from the Louvre?" Buzzer asked.

"Some other time," Destro sighed.

"Hang on Destro," Zartan spoke up. "We have an amazing opportunity here."

"Yeah we're in a bloody spaceship with a cloaking device," Zarana added. "We can pretty much take anything we want."

"You just want to rob some of those fancy fashion houses," Tiffany said. "Hang on…"

"Come on Destro!" Zarana protested. "What? You're afraid of breaking the law?"

"I'm more afraid of GI Joe and the authorities tracking our location," Destro pointed out.

"How? We're in a bloody spaceship with a cloaking device!" Zarana added.

"My sister does have a valid point," Zartan told him.

Destro paused. "True. And stealing some items from the Louvre will boost Cobra's street cred. But not the Mona Lisa."

"Yeah that's been done before," Ripper agreed.

"Plus let some other art have a chance to shine," Buzzer agreed.

"Obscure art does get more famous after it's stolen," Zartan said.

"In a way we're doing these guys a favor," Torch added.

"But I would like to hit some shops too," Tiffany said.

"Fine, we'll pick the exhibit closest to the gift shop!" Destro groaned. "Happy?"

"That sounds fair," Tiffany nodded.

"No arguments from me," Zarana agreed.

"Ooh! I got an idea!" Torch rummaged around and took out some spray cans. "I could write Cobra Rules! And Dreadnok Power with these spray cans!"

"I'm not going to even bother to ask where you got that," Destro sighed. "But why do you want to commit vandalism at the Louvre?"

"Why wouldn't he?" Monkeywrench asked.

"You want our street cred upped right?" Torch asked.

"Fine but not on the exhibits," Destro sighed. "Just the walls."

"Fair enough," Torch nodded.

"All right," Destro nodded. "Let's rob the most famous museum in Europe!"

Twenty-five minutes later…

"This is going a lot easier than I thought it would," Destro remarked as the Cobras were looting a museum room. Destro himself had taken a small painting.

"Well we did blow up a hole in the side of the building," Zartan remarked as he held a small gold statuette. "And destroyed a room!"

"It was the modern art room," Destro waved. "No big loss. Half the metal sculptures look better now."

"There was a lot of stuff in the gift shop," Torch walked up to them eating an apple. "Tiffany, Zarana and Ripper are loading that up. Good stuff too. Perfumes, jewelry, paperweights…"

"Where did you get the fruit?" Zartan asked.

"It was just taped to the wall over there," Torch pointed. "With all those others."

"Hang on," Zartan walked over and saw some fruit duct taped to a wall. "There's a plaque. This is some kind of modern art! Valued for over fifty thousand dollars!"

"Fifty thousand dollars for just some fruit taped to a wall?" Destro gasped.

"Coo blimey," Torch was stunned. "And people call us crooks!"

"This is why I always stick with the classics," Destro shrugged.

"I agree," Zartan nodded. "I don't know much about art but I know what you can fence. Especially if you melt this baby down."

"I prefer this smaller neo-classical picture of Napoleon and Josephine myself," Destro remarked.

"That would look nice on a wall," Torch remarked. "I'm gonna take some more fruit."

"Help yourself," Destro told him. "This is why I have very little sympathy for art dealers."

"I have more sympathy for the people who work the gift shop," Zartan agreed. "Some of those paperweights and souvenirs are nicer than some of the real art!"

"And they're smaller too," Torch said as he grabbed the fruit. "Pocket sized for your convenience!"

"Well not if there's so much you have to carry them in a bloody crate!" Zarana snapped as she used a small transport pad from the ship to carry a large crate.

"Look at the bright side," Torch pointed out. "At least we got our Christmas shopping done early!"

Cobra Base Number 30: Serre Chevalier

"Another bloody ski resort?" Torch groaned as he looked at the chalet on the mountain.

"More like a ski shack," Ripper grumbled.

"You guys couldn't build a base in San Tropez or something?" Buzzer added.

"Let's just land over there," Destro ordered. "And check out the building."

"Dude I can see from right here that building needs a serious paint job," Monkeywrench told him.

"Just do it!" Destro snapped.

"Someone's in there," Tiffany pointed. "They're using the hot tub in the back."

"There's a hot tub?" Torch asked. "Cool!"

"Since when do you like water?" Ripper quipped.

"I like water!" Torch snapped. "I just don't like soap!"

"Yeah we know," Zartan groaned. "As does anyone with a working nose!"

Meanwhile oblivious to what was going on or about to happen was a handsome man with brown hair in the hot tub with a buxom young woman in a pink bikini. They were relaxing drinking champagne while listening to smooth jazz on a nearby radio. "Oh Van…" The young woman cooed as they sipped champagne. "This is lovely!"

"I told you babe," Vanguard nodded as he relaxed. "When you're with one of the key players of Mongoose Incorporated you will go places."

"Interesting choice of words," Destro remarked as he and the Dreadnoks approached the hot tub with their blasters drawn. "Don't bother getting up."

"DESTRO?" Vanguard gasped. "Zartan? The Dreadnoks?"

"Been a while Van," Torch remarked.

"What the hell are you people doing here?" Vanguard shouted.

"We wanted to use the hot tub," Zartan quipped.

"I thought we got rid of you losers!" Vanguard groaned.

"Yeah a lot of people think that about us," Zartan admitted. "But we just keep coming back. Like that case of the herpes you caught a while back."

"WHAT?" The woman gasped as she drew away from Vanguard.

"I never had herpes!" Vanguard shouted. "He's joking! I never had it! I swear!"

"You've sworn a lot of things over the years," Destro remarked. "Like your oath to Cobra."

"You might want to leave," Zarana said to the woman. "Now!"

The woman took the hint by getting out of the hot tub and grabbing a robe. "Hey! Hey Chrissy!" Vanguard protested. "Oh, come on guys! I was just about to get lucky!"

"Newsflash Van," Torch said. "You're not."

"In any sense of the word," Destro growled.

"Seriously what are you people doing here?" Vanguard snapped. "You guys aren't even part of Cobra anymore!"

"Well that's news to me," Destro said. "If I'm not part of Cobra, what the hell am I doing hanging around Cobra Commander?"

"I'm not one to judge people on their personal lives," Vanguard shrugged.

VRRRROOOM! VROOM!

"Is that my car?" Vanguard did a double take.

"Oh, you own a Mercedes?" Ripper whistled. "Nice."

"Not anymore," Zandar remarked.

"I don't believe this!" Vanguard gasped. "She stole my car!"

"I wouldn't worry about it too much," Zartan picked up the radio. "It's not like you're going to need it anyway." He dropped it into the hot tub.

Nothing happened. "That radio is waterproof," Vanguard said. "And insulated."

"Really?" Zartan asked.

"You'd think I'd be stupid enough to have a radio that could electrocute me?" Vanguard rolled his eyes.

"Oh," Zartan remarked. "Didn't know that."

"Yeah you see it all the time in the movies," Ripper remarked.

"Well this isn't the movies!" Vanguard snapped. "Idiots!"

"Don't worry Zartan," Zarana put on some gloves and took out a small electric taser. "I got this."

"Wait what?" Vanguard did a double take.

ZZZZZZZZZZZAPPPP!

"Wouldn't you get electrocuted?" Tiffany asked Zarana as she did the deed.

"I'm wearing an insulated glove and this has an insulated handle," Zarana told him. "This is not my first electrocution."

"Huh, learn something new every day," Tiffany remarked. "Where did you get that one?"

"Oh, I had it custom made," Zarana said. "I'll get you in touch with my dealer."

"Cool," Tiffany nodded.

ZZZAAAAAPPP!

"One traitor," Zarana smirked. "Extra crispy."

"That was a freebee," Destro remarked.

"Better raid this place and see if we can find anything valuable before we go," Zandar suggested.

"Good idea," Destro nodded. "Starting with Vanguard's computer. That might give us some valuable information we need."

"Can we blow this place up too?" Torch asked.

Destro sighed. "Why not?"

"YAYYYY!" The Dreadnoks cheered.

"It takes so little to make them happy doesn't it?" Zandar remarked.

"You don't want to know what will make me happy right now," Destro grumbled.

"Yeah, yeah…" Torch waved. "All of us being dead and you getting billions of dollars. We know!"

"Oh, so you are aware," Destro nodded. "Good."

Later that evening back at the base…

"Ah you finally returned," Cobra Commander remarked to Destro and Zartan as they approached him at a bar. Cobra Commander was finishing a drink. "Took you two long enough. Report."

"Do you want the good news or the bad news?" Destro asked.

"Surprise me," Cobra Commander sighed.

"The good news is that we have assassinated Vanguard and are one step closer to topping the false Cobra regime," Destro said.

"You have?" Cobra Commander was stunned. "That is good news! How did you do that?"

"Zarana electrocuted him in a hot tub," Destro remarked. "Then we blew up his ski chalet."

"HA! Excellent!" Cobra Commander was pleased.

"We also stole some crates of champagne," Destro recounted. "Then we robbed the Louvre and Torch tagged the walls to make sure everyone knew Cobra had done it."

"That will increase our street cred," Cobra Commander said happily.

"That's what I thought," Destro nodded. "Not to mention stealing priceless works of art."

"You didn't take the Mona Lisa, right?" Cobra Commander interrupted. "Because that's been done before."

"No," Destro shook his head. "We took some lesser known works. Also destroyed some modern art that was garbage anyway. And looted the gift shop."

"You had a productive day, didn't you Destro?" Cobra Commander was impressed. "Wait what's the bad news?"

"That chalet Vanguard was in belonged to Cobra," Destro paused. "But it looked like it needed repairs anyway so…"

"It was more cost effective to destroy it than repair it," Zartan added.

"Oh well," Cobra Commander waved. "As long as we have some of our other bases…"

"Yeah about that…" Destro coughed.

"What?" Cobra Commander looked at him.

"Vapor and Zero destroyed all the other ones," Zartan said quickly.

"Including one of our largest stocks of champagne," Destro finished.

"WHAT?" Cobra Commander screamed as he threw his empty glass against the wall. "THOSE IDIOTS DESTROYED MORE ALCOHOL? THEY WILL SUFFER FOR THIS!"

"And destroyed several bases," Zartan added.

"THAT HAD PLENTY OF ALCOHOL!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Wait the base you destroyed…"

"We took out all the alcohol, Vanguard's computer, a few weapons and other valuables before we destroyed it," Destro sighed.

"Okay fine!" Cobra Commander nodded. "You are obviously on the ball and know what you're doing! And I know what I will do to Vapor and Zero when I get my hands on them!" He stormed out of the room.

"It's amazing what his priorities are," Zartan remarked.

"Not as amazing as what we have been putting up with for so long," Destro sighed.