The following chapter was co-written by Snake Screamer who gave me such lovely ideas! LOL!

We Need New Plans

"All right, everyone come in for the meeting," Cobra Commander spoke up as the Cobras entered into the conference room.

"Where's Firefly?" The Baroness asked. "And the turkey?"

"And my brother?" Zartan asked. "And the Dreadnoks. Okay that last group I don't care about as much."

"I don't really mind that those turkeys are gone," Destro sighed.

"Yeah I haven't seen them all day either," Zarana realized. "What's going on?"

"As for Blood Wing," Cobra Commander coughed. "He said he had some business to attend to. He will be gone for a few days."

"He's getting revenge on someone isn't he?" Destro asked.

"Probably," Cobra Commander waved. "I thought it best not to ask. He'll tell us when he comes back."

"Maybe we'll get lucky and someone will turn him into turkey-kabob?" Crystal Ball quipped.

"Our luck is not that good," The Baroness sighed. "And the others?"

"I decided that instead of wasting our valuable time," Cobra Commander explained as he sat down. "Running around checking bases that are…let's be honest…mostly substandard at best. I sent a few squads to check out the bases in Spain. Headed by Firefly, Zandar, the Dreadnoks and a few other subordinates. I mean we have over 350 troops here! Why not use them?"

"We have 335 troops," Destro corrected him.

"Actually, that number is now 333," Mindbender spoke up. "There was an incident on the Tilt-A-Whirl this morning. Good news, we now have more organs to either use or sell on the black market!"

"Damn it!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I told them no more rides!"

"Hang on," Destro spoke up. "You sent our troops to inspect our bases in Spain using the spaceship?"

"No!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I had them use the regular planes or jeeps or other modes of transportation we have! Spain is literally next door! Most of those bases are less than three hours away! I'm not going to waste our valuable resources on that!"

"Instead you're going to waste our time in a meeting," Crystal Ball quipped.

"You're a ghost in a crystal ball!" Cobra Commander snapped. "All you have is time!"

"Well the rest of us don't," The Baroness spoke up. "So, if we can get started with this pointless exercise…"

"It's not pointless Baroness," Cobra Commander said. "The point of this meeting is to come up with new schemes and plots."

"Because God knows you could use them," Crystal Ball remarked.

"Watch it!" Cobra Commander warned.

"I have!" Crystal Ball snapped. "I've watched a lot of stupid plots and plans you idiots have done! Not that many of them were good!"

"Name one…" Cobra Commander began.

"The giant…" Crystal Ball began.

"Besides the giant vegetables!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Because I know! That was a stupid idea!"

"Which we did twice," Destro groaned. "The second one as recently as this year."

"Is it my fault there's global warming?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Well…" Crystal Ball began. "Technically…"

"SHUT UP!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"As much as I hate to agree with our resident pesky poltergeist…" Xamot began.

"We have to concur that a lot of our ideas in the past…" Tomax added.

"Couldn't cut the mustard," The Twins said as one.

"You're one to talk," Zartan rolled his eyes. "Or should I say both of you to talk!"

"What does that mean?" Xamot snapped.

"Explain!" Tomax added.

"The whole Red Rocket scheme ring a bell?" Zartan snapped.

"Oh God it does…" Zarana groaned.

"That was more Destro's idea than ours!" Xamot protested.

"No, my idea was the photon disintegrator," Destro snapped. "Which was sound. It was your idea to put them on those stupid Red Rocket restaurants that was the problem!"

"The Red Rocket franchise," Xamot began.

"Was the perfect distribution for those warheads!" Tomax snapped.

"Yeah too bad you sold one of them to a Joe's aunt and uncle!" Zartan snapped. "And that one guy who got drunk and burned his down."

"Okay the drunk guy was not our fault," Xamot protested.

"But the relatives of the Joes were!" Zartan snapped.

"How were we supposed to know…?" Tomax began.

"That they were related to a GI Joe?" Xamot finished.

"Uh I don't know," Zarana rolled her eyes. "How about this new thing called background checks?"

"The drunk guy just got out of prison for arson," Zartan added. "How did that slip by you?"

"And on top of it all," Destro added. "In a move of stupidity considered idiotic by even Dreadnok standards, you lost the restaurant to Roadblock's aunt and uncle. Which led you to the genius move of trying the old and so predictable scheme of hiring a biker gang to run them out of town!"

"A plot straight out of a bad A-Team episode," Crystal Ball added.

"Not to mention attacking the restaurant when the Joes were around!" The Baroness shouted. "And then tried to fire off the rocket when they were still around! That was a really stupid move!"

"You want to talk stupid moves Baroness?" Tomax bristled.

"Yeah, let's go there!" Xamot added.

"The Conch Shell Catastrophe ring a bell?" Tomax added.

"I'd forgotten about that!" Cobra Commander gasped.

"To be fair trying to replace Cobra Commander as leader wasn't a bad idea in itself," Crystal Ball spoke up. "It was having The Baroness run the show that was the problem."

"HEY!" The Baroness and Cobra Commander shouted at the same time.

"I'm not the one who wasted trillions of dollars on moon graffiti!" The Baroness shouted. "Or tried to make an army of ghosts to take over the world. Or commission a metal sea serpent that ate me!"

"No," Cobra Commander glared. "But you are the one who tried to kidnap a teenage tech billionaire only to lose control when your hostage turned the tables and bribed the Dreadnoks into helping him take over Cobra!"

"And then there was the perfume debacle," Destro groaned. "Eau De Cobra was more like Eau What A Stupid Plot That Was!"

"THAT WAS YOUR FAULT!" The Baroness snapped.

"Yeah this is a real productive use of our time," Crystal Ball quipped.

"ENOUGH!" Cobra Commander screamed pounding his fists. "This is getting us nowhere. I don't want to hear any more finger pointing or blame! With one exception. Creating Serpentor to lead Cobra was the worst idea EVER!"

"Technically that wasn't even my idea," Mindbender coughed. "You know? Golobulus? Psychic motivator?"

"Whatever," Cobra Commander waved. "Look we need to come up with new fresh ideas! And I have one!"

"Tell us Commander," Destro said calmly. "We await with baited breath."

"Here's what we do," Cobra Commander told them. "We open up a fake exclusive allergy research clinic. Possibly Switzerland. Catering to the rich and famous. We use the clinic to brainwash them to distribute bacterial biological warfare agents throughout the world."

"Hang on," Destro blinked. "This sounds familiar."

"It should!" Zarana snapped. "It's the plot of On Her Majesty's Secret Service!"

"Oh, for the love of…" The Baroness groaned. "You're ripping off a James Bond movie?"

"Say what you want about Blofeld," Cobra Commander shrugged. "But he was a bad ass!"

"We are not ripping off a plot of a James Bond film!" Destro snapped.

"Yeah the last thing we need is a 007 rip off on our asses," Mindbender agreed.

"Okay fine! Forget that!" Cobra Commander waved. "How about we smuggle diamonds out of Africa into Holland and the United States…?"

"That's Diamonds Are Forever!" Zartan snapped.

"How about we find a way to embezzle KGB funds and use them to buy diamonds?" Cobra Commander asked.

"The Living Daylights!" The Baroness snapped.

Cobra Commander paused. "We create a gas that's harmless to animals but deadly to humans. Create a space station that will house only people loyal to Cobra to repopulate the Earth…"

"MOONRAKER!" Everyone else shouted.

"As entertaining as some of the Bond movies are," Destro remarked. "I feel that we should steer clear of those."

"Well then you come up with a plan!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I don't hear any brilliant ideas coming from your shiny head!"

"Give me a few minutes!" Destro snapped. "I'll think of something!"

"Oh, this should be good," The Baroness rolled her eyes.

"Yeah this isn't like making excuses to the Baroness," Zarana added. "You actually have to come up with something that most people will believe!"

"Shut up!" Destro snapped.

"How about we blackmail the world with a weather control machine?" Mindbender began. "Hang on wait, we did that one already."

"Yeah it's also the plot of the movie Our Man Flint," Crystal Ball added.

"It is?" The Baroness asked.

"I thought that whole weather dominator scheme sounded familiar," Zartan realized.

"So I watch a lot of movies?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Sue me!"

"You stole that plan from another movie?" Destro did a double take. "How many other plans have you ripped off?"

"Cinema has a rich history of innovation and new ideas," Cobra Commander began.

"The sea monster one was one of them, right?" Zarana realized.

"Japanese Kaiju movies are underrated," Cobra Commander shifted nervously.

"I just remembered!" The Baroness gasped. "The day before we started that scheme with Robert Harper to try and make him mayor you watched the movie the Manchurian Candidate! The only things that were missing was the brainwashing and the dominating mother!"

"You didn't meet the mother," Tomax groaned.

"She was pretty horrible," Xamot added.

"So were half the plans Cobra has had!" Zarana snapped.

"The whole mess with Excalibur had to be a result of watching those old King Arthur movies!" Xamot realized.

Tomax also had another realization. "Jurassic Park! When we cloned all those dinosaurs!"

"Attack of the Killer Tomatoes…" Mindbender realized.

"OKAY!" Cobra Commander shouted. "I admit it! I watch a lot of movies and television! How else would Cobra La study the human world?"

"That explains a lot," Destro groaned.

"Hey Cobra Commander," Firefly walked in. His uniform looked at little battered and slightly singed.

"Oh Firefly," Cobra Commander nodded. "Well? What happened?"

"Remember that base in Madrid you wanted me and my squad to check out?" Firefly asked. "Which was basically a warehouse?"

"Yes," Cobra Commander asked.

"Apparently it had been taken over by the Spanish Mob," Firefly sighed. "Who were not too happy that we were there."

FLASHBACK!

Cobra Base 31: Madrid, Spain.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"COME ON!" Firefly snapped as another Cobra Trooper fell. They were shooting behind some crates. "Are you people even trying not to get hit?"

"YES!" One of the remaining troopers shouted.

"Just flank them on the left!" Firefly snapped.

"Our left or your left?" Another trooper asked.

"IT'S THE SAME LEFT YOU IDIOTS!" Firefly snapped. "I'll draw their fire!" He then fired his weapon a few times. "There, I killed one of them! Notice how I sprung up, aimed quickly then sprung back down! That's how you do it! NOW! GO! GO! GO!"

The remaining troopers did so. Firefly shot off a few more rounds. "Move! Move! Oh, for crying out loud! Those idiots are worse shots than Storm Troopers."

"Oh, what the hell?" Firefly sighed as he pulled out a red grenade. "Might as well use my Adder's Bite Special! FIRE IN THE HOLE!"

KAAAAAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Yeah that did it!" Firefly whooped. "Okay guys the enemy is dead! Guys?"

Firefly walked over to his squad. "And so are you…"

"I said fire in the hole!" Firefly snapped to the corpses. "That means you should duck! Never mind…"

FLASHFORWARD!

"I mean I destroyed that particular gang," Firefly said. "But at the cost of the base."

"How many casualties?" Destro sighed.

"Out of the six men that came with me?" Firefly asked. "Pretty much all of them."

"And by pretty much you mean?" Destro looked at him.

"All of them," Firefly nodded. "To be fair, most of those guys weren't very good. And couldn't shoot a target to save their lives. Which they didn't…"

"That puts us down to 327," Mindbender adjusted his numbers on the pad.

"I'm getting a message from C Squad," Destro got a message on his phone. "Text. It seems they ran into a very similar situation."

FLASHBACK!

Cobra Base 32: Barcelona, Spain

"How the hell were we supposed to know that Spain has its own version of the mob?" The trooper in charge of C Squad shouted as there was a large firefight outside of a warehouse.

"I think organized crime of some sort is pretty universal," Another trooper remarked.

BOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Let's just say it wasn't long before there were two remaining troopers left.

"Screw this! I'm out of here!" One of the two remaining Cobra troopers grumbled as they ran away. "I'm going back home to my uncle's and work in his pawn shop in the Bronx!"

"Yeah I think I'll give working in sales another go," The other one nodded. "Which we should be doing."

FLASHFORWARD!

"Apparently the survivors quit to go work in sales," Destro read the text.

"Remind me to hunt those traitors down and kill them," Cobra Commander growled. "Who were they again?"

"Uh…" Destro blinked.

"We really should pay better attention to the other troopers," The Baroness admitted. "Or at the very least learn their names!"

"321…" Mindbender sighed as he worked on the pad. "Oh. One of the men in the infirmary just died. 320."

"Any luck the next casualties would be one of the Dreadnoks," Cobra Commander grumbled. "Zandar's group was just them."

"We're back," Zandar walked in with the other Dreadnoks.

"Unfortunately," Cobra Commander sighed. "I'm guessing D Squad is for Dreadnoks?"

"You are correct sir," Ripper nodded.

"Am I to assume there are no casualties among your group?" Destro asked.

"Nope we all made it out," Torch grinned. "No problems."

"Figures," Destro sighed. "What happened with this base?"

"Well…" Zandar sighed.

FLASHBACK!

Cobra Base 33: Espadas Peak, Spain

Actually, the base was on the side of the mountain. Emphasis on the word, was.

"So…" Zandar remarked at the sight of the ruined base. "Looks like there was an avalanche a few years ago."

"A big one," Tiffany remarked.

"Those boulders look really big," Monkeywrench remarked. "I mean, even if there was something still inside there…Odds are it's squashed by now."

"Even if it wasn't," Tiffany added. "We'd need like a ton of equipment to move those rocks and it's not really worth our time is it?"

"I don't think so," Ripper agreed.

"Now what?" Zandar sighed.

Buzzer had an idea. "Want to go into town and get tapas for lunch?"

Zandar paused. "Yeah okay."

FLASHFORWARD!

"At least we didn't destroy that base," Torch said cheerfully. "And it wasn't taken over by anyone else!"

"Who'd want it?" Zartan asked. "I'm seriously asking!"

"In other words," Cobra Commander groaned. "Spain is a complete and total bust just like all the other countries!"

"All we can do is hope that the last squad comes up with something," Destro sighed. "Who's heading that squad?"

"A young go-getter calling himself Trooper Greene," Cobra Commander said. "He came up to me and personally asked that his hand-picked team do a mission. I was so impressed I said yes."

"I know this Trooper Greene," Firefly realized. "You just let him go? Unsupervised?"

"Why not?" Cobra Commander asked. "Is he not capable?"

"Actually yes," Firefly said. "He's very capable."

"Then what's the problem here?" Cobra Commander asked.

FLASHBACK!

Cobra Base 34: National Park of Cazorla, Spain.

"I can't believe Cobra just forgot about all this money and other valuables they hid here," A Cobra Trooper grumbled as he packed up the truck with a huge chest.

"This is Cobra Commander we're talking about," Trooper Greene said as he directed the troopers removing valuables from the small hidden base in the forest. It looked exactly like a small cabin. "He hasn't exactly been on the ball since the late 90's."

"I thought he was dead," Another Trooper spoke up.

"Me too!" A third agreed.

"The charges are all ready," A trooper called out to Trooper Greene. "And the last of the valuables are being loaded."

"Okay," Trooper Greene spoke up. "Listen up squad. We've all agreed that this whole Cobra thing is just not working out. The plan is, fake our deaths by blowing up this base. Ditch our uniforms. Take the money and valuables we found in here and use it to buy ourselves new identities and run a hotel slash bar in Catalina. Trooper Vasquez has grandparents there who want him to take over the family business. It's a lovely place. Any questions?"

All the other troopers had changed clothes into tourist outfits. "Nope. We're good," One said.

"Question though," One trooper raised his hand. "Won't Cobra Commander get suspicious and look for us?"

"Oh please," Trooper Greene snorted as he took out his phone. "Those jerks don't even care to know our names much less come after us. But don't worry. I'll cover our asses."

FLASHFORWARD!

"Oh, I'm getting a text," Firefly looked at his phone. "Huh…"

"What?" Cobra Commander asked.

"It's from Trooper Greene in B Squad," Firefly blinked. "Spanish mob in base. Attacked Spanish mob. Base blew up. We are dead. Owww….Fire. Goodbye forever. Hail Cobra…Owww…"

"He took the time to write oww?" The Baroness blinked. "As he was burning to death?"

"Twice?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Apparently," Firefly sighed. The Dreadnoks looked at each other.

"How many men did we lose in that squad?" Cobra Commander sighed.

"Six," Mindbender looked at the pad. "Bringing our troop numbers down to 314. Well this was a productive day!"

"At the very least we can cross Spain off the list, okay?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"I suggest we study the data in Vanguard's computer we acquired," Destro spoke up. "Before we research any more bases."

"I suggest Destro that you do whatever you want," Cobra Commander got up and took Crystal Ball with him. "I am going to further investigate the contents of the bar! Come on Ball! Let's do some binge watching!"

"Which show?" Crystal Ball asked.

"Anything with people dumber than the ones I surround myself with!" Cobra Commander said as they left.

"Oh good," Crystal Ball remarked. "Set the bar high why don't you?"

"I'm going to work in my lab," Mindbender sighed and got up. "Those mutants and monsters won't make themselves."

"I'm going to go check out Vanguard's computer and see if there is anything we can use," Destro sighed. "Baroness will you care to join me?"

"Why not?" The Baroness got up and left with Destro and Mindbender.

"I suppose it wouldn't hurt…" Xamot began.

"To check over the books and inventory," Tomax finished as they got up and left.

"Screw it," Zartan sighed. "I'm going to get a drink too."

"Yeah we're with you," Zandar agreed. He and Zarana left with Zartan.

This left the other Dreadnoks alone with Firefly. "I just had to get back in the terrorist game, didn't I?" Firefly sighed. "I knew I should have invested my money in a bar instead. If only I wasn't so addicted to the action."

Torch looked at Firefly. "Just so we're clear…Greene and B Squad faked their deaths and ran off with whatever cash they found to get new lives. Right?"

"Obviously," Firefly nodded. "Can't say I blame them."

"Who the hell writes oww in a text if they were really burning to death?" Tiffany asked.

"Kind of a big clue," Buzzer agreed.

"And they say we're dumb," Torch groaned.

"Should we go after them?" Ripper asked. "Or join them?"

"Let them go," Firefly sighed. "Because the way this organization is going, one day we may need a job from them."