Ten Lousy Bases
"Has it really come to this for Cobra?" Cobra Commander grumbled as he sank into his captain's chair on the bridge. "Ten lousy bases left of our once great empire!"
"We had an empire?" Torch asked. "When was this?"
"Yeah, I don't really remember that," Tiffany admitted.
"You don't even remember your real name or original sexual orientation!" Cobra Commander snapped at Tiffany. "And yes, I'm speaking to both of you!"
Torch blinked. "Fair enough."
"You realize this is only Europe," Zartan pointed out. "We have bases all over the world."
"Correction," The Baroness glared at him. "We had bases all over the world. Between GI Joe destroying them, losing them to Mongoose Incorporated, other criminals stealing them, selling them off and other acts of stupidity…Europe was our largest foothold!"
"What about Asia?" Buzzer asked.
"Nothing left there," Destro sighed. "Let's just say angry ninjas were at least eighty percent of the reason and leave it at that."
"And the other twenty percent?" Cobra Commander asked.
"GI Joe, local armies," Destro counted off. "A few mutant uprisings…"
"That was me," Mindbender apologized. "My bad."
"A grape soda tsunami…" Destro glared at the Dreadnoks.
"Oh yeah that one was us," Torch remembered.
"A huge explosion," Destro added.
"That one was Copperhead," Firefly said quickly.
"Suuuurrre it was," Crystal Ball said dryly.
"Shut up!" Firefly glared at him.
"Then there was the incident in Hanoi," Destro sighed. "The meeting with a Vietnamese crime lord that turned into a drunken blackout murder spree."
"Oh right, that one was me," Cobra Commander realized. "In my defense that guy was a jerk! And he tried to cheat at a checkers game! Who does that?"
"You," The Baroness glared at him. "You were caught cheating at checkers!"
"How do you cheat at checkers?" Buzzer asked.
"You move the checkers around while your opponent is distracted," Monkeywrench added. "Or passed out drunk."
"Look we only have ten bases in Europe left to check out," Destro said. "We might as well get through them."
"Oh, all right," Cobra Commander grumbled. "Which one is first?"
"Well…" Mindbender looked at the map. "There are two bases in Germany we never looked at."
"Are either of them parking lots, playgrounds or chicken restaurants?" Cobra Commander asked sarcastically.
"Actually…" Mindbender coughed.
Cobra Base Number 48: Frankfurt, Germany.
Everyone looked outside the spaceship. Below them was a brightly colored red and yellow building with a cartoon sausage figure on the sign. "Oh yeah," The Baroness said sarcastically. "A sausage stand is way better than a chicken restaurant."
"Fire up the lasers," Cobra Commander ordered.
"Hang on," Torch spoke up. "Shouldn't we at least try the grub first?"
Everyone looked at each other.
Fifteen minutes later…
"These sausages aren't bad," Mindbender chomped on his sausage on a bun.
"Good sauerkraut," Destro admitted as he ate his sausage on a bun with the topping.
"This beer is actually quite good," Cobra Commander remarked as he drank some through a straw.
"I should be. We got fifteen barrels of it," Ripper said.
"Hm…" Cobra Commander mused. "Good call Torch. Did we get anything else?"
"Uh the sauerkraut and all the money from the safe and cash register," Buzzer said.
"Good," Cobra Commander nodded. "Okay now we can blow it up."
"Firing the laser," Torch grinned as he did so.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAP!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Wow that's a nice fire," Torch whistled.
"Next!" Cobra Commander called out.
Cobra Base Number 49: Berlin, Germany.
"A beer garden?" Cobra Commander whooped at the sight. "Now we're talking!"
"OH YEAH!" The Dreadnoks cheered.
"Oh, this will end badly," Destro groaned.
"Lighten up Destro," Zartan waved. "How bad could this get?"
"How long have you been here?" Destro shouted at him.
Ten minutes later…
"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Torch and the other Dreadnoks whooped as they drank beer and danced around. And threw a lot of empty beer glasses around. Cobra Commander, Destro and the Baroness drank at the bar. Zartan was pouring. (Mainly for himself.) Firefly stole from the cash register. Zandar and Zarana were throwing knives at a target on the wall instead of darts.
"Why did Blood Wing insist on staying on the ship?" Cobra Commander mused. "He doesn't know what he's missing."
"I rather suspect he does," Destro remarked. "Besides someone had to stay behind and guard the ship. And keep Crystal Ball company."
"There is that," Cobra Commander admitted.
"Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!" The Crimson Twins chanted as Mindbender and Tiffany drank off.
A frightened Oompah Band was in the corner as chaos reigned supreme. They stopped playing for a second.
ZZZAAPPP!
"Keep playing," Cobra Commander pointed his laser gun at the Oompah Band. "Hang on. There is something I always wanted to do…"
Ten more minutes later…
"Well shake it up baby now!" Cobra Commander sang while on top of the bar while the band was forced to play. "Twist and shout!"
"Now Cobra Commander is taking a break from terrorism to channel his inner Ferris Bueller," Destro sighed as he took a drink. "You're getting this right?"
"Oh yes," Zartan nodded as he used his phone to record the whole incident.
"Shake it up baby!" Cobra Commander danced and sang. And quite frankly was doing some impressive moves. "Twist and shout!"
"This is just like some of our old Christmas parties," Destro mused.
"Only there isn't an orange abomination of Mindbender's everyone's making out with in the closet," The Baroness remarked.
"Technically I think what those things did were closer to sexual assault," Zartan admitted. "We were all pretty plastered."
"This party will last for a thousand beers!" Cobra Commander whooped as he danced.
Less than three beers later…
BANG! BANG! BANG!
The beer garden was under assault by the German police's SWAT team. They fired weapons into the building. The Cobras had all taken cover and were retuning fire.
Well most of them.
"Okay! Who called the cops?" Cobra Commander snapped as he stood on the bar.
"GET DOWN COMMANDER!" Destro shouted as he took cover behind the bar.
"What do you think I was doing?" Cobra Commander yelled back.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
"Oh, you meant get down behind…" Cobra Commander realized as he got down from the bar and hid behind it. "Sorry. Wasn't thinking."
"Obviously," The Baroness grumbled as she returned fire. "Why are they firing on us? Don't they know we have hostages?"
"Where are the hostages?" Zandar looked around.
"Oh, they went out back to have a cigarette while Cobra Commander was choosing another song," Torch told him. "That was about a beer and a half ago…"
"AND YOU FELL FOR THAT?" Cobra Commander screamed.
"Well that explains how the authorities tracked us down so fast," Destro grumbled.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
"OI!" Torch shouted. "YOU BLOKES ARE INTERRUPTING OUR FUN!"
"YEAH!" Buzzer shouted. "WE WERE HAVING A NICE LITTLE PARTY UNTIL YOU JOKERS SHOWED UP!"
"WE'LL SHOW YOU!" Ripper shouted as he readied his rifle. "BLAST 'EM!"
ZAAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
"I got two of them!" Ripper whooped.
"I got another one," Buzzer said.
"Me too!" Monkeywrench whooped.
"I got a couple," Zartan admitted.
"One two three…" Zarana counted. "Yup. Looks like we got nine coppers out there."
"Are they dead or stunned?" Destro asked.
"Well I blew one guy's head off," Torch said. "And there's a hole in that bloke Ripper hit so…"
"I have to say," Cobra Commander mused. "You Dreadnoks have really improved your aim. You're actually hitting people when you fire. Unlike in the 80's."
"Well," Zartan admitted. "To be completely honest, a lot of us were doing coke on the side so…"
"Yeah once we stopped riding the white pony we got a lot better," Monkeywrench admitted.
"We rode ponies?" Torch did a double take.
"Some of us took a few too many drugs back then," Zartan sighed.
"Obviously," Destro remarked. "Wait, weren't we all against drugs back in the 80's?"
"That can't be right," Mindbender remarked. "I distinctly remember working on several different kinds of drugs for mass consumption. Like the mind control chewing gum formula. And the mind control gas. And several poison gasses!"
"We were only against drugs when we weren't the ones distributing them," Cobra Commander explained.
"Ohhhh…" Buzzer and Ripper said.
"That makes sense," Destro nodded. "Hang on, but didn't you make a pact with GI Joe to not…"
"I was lying obviously!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Hello! Terrorist leader here?"
"I want to ride the ponies again," Torch pouted.
"They're on the other side of the cops, Torch!" Zartan said sarcastically.
"Really?" Torch grabbed his flamethrower. "I'M COMING PONIES!"
"Torch! I was being…" Zartan did a double take when Torch broke cover and charged towards the front of the building. "Sarcastic."
"Well he's a dead man," Cobra Commander remarked. "It was nice knowing him. Well not really but I'll say that about him when he's gone and can't bother me anymore."
"Has anyone seen my spare vial of Eddie Juniors?" Mindbender realized he was missing something.
"GO GET 'EM BLOBBIES! HA HA HA!" Torch whooped as he threw something out of a broken window. Then blasted his flamethrower at it.
"BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!"
"Oh dear," Mindbender gulped. "This could be problematic."
"Aren't Eddie Juniors impervious to fire?" Destro blinked. "Even thought they can catch on fire?"
"Yes," Mindbender said. "That's where the problematic part plays in."
"And aren't we surrounded by alcohol?" Zarana realized. "Which is extremely flammable?"
"And could probably catch on fire because blobs wander all the place?" Zartan realized. "Or some of the sparks from everything else out there catching fire could drift over this way?"
"Again," Mindbender said sarcastically. "That's why I said problematic. Good to see you caught on!"
"RRARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
Cobra Commander turned on his communicator on his watch. "Uh, Blood Wing. We're going to need a pickup immediately."
"YOU COULD HAVE CALLED FOR AN EXTRACTION AT ANY TIME?" Destro shouted. "SERIOUSLY?"
Ten more minutes later…
"Okay…" Cobra Commander mused as the Cobras watched from the spaceship. "A quarter of Berlin is now on fire. And the rest is slowly being devoured by some Eddie Juniors that are on fire."
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"And the Reichstag just blew up," Cobra Commander remarked. "Oh my."
"Wow," Mindbender scratched his head. "That escalated rather fast. Even for one of our parties."
"It really did," Tomax admitted.
Xamot added. "It just went right up there."
"It just kicked up a notch," Ripper agreed.
"The whole bloody city is on fire!" Zarana said. "I'd say it kicked up several notches!"
"Why didn't we get the ponies?" Torch whined.
"They ran away when you blew everything up!" Zartan snapped.
"Oh good," Torch nodded. "They got out of the line of fire."
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Too bad the same can't be said for those people down there," The Baroness winced.
"Uh, let's go to the next base, shall we?" Cobra Commander coughed.
"It might be prudent, yes!" Destro glared at him.
"That could be a bit of an issue," Mindbender coughed. "Technically it's not as much a base as it is a boat."
"What?" Destro asked. "What do you mean by a boat?"
"Technically a yacht," Mindbender shrugged. "And I've tracked its location. It's not that far from here."
Cobra Base Number 50: A Yacht currently sailing on the Mediterranean Sea.
Several well dressed middle aged men and women were sitting on the large deck being served lunch. "I call this meeting of the European Bankers Association to order," A stuffy looking British gentleman called to the table. "First I would like to thank Vice Minister Von Frittenhoffer for the use of her department's yacht. It's most divine."
"It's amazing what you can get at an international police auction," A German woman with short brown hair wearing a red suit dress said. "You should try in Minister Woodbane."
"I believe I shall," Minister Woodbane nodded. "Ah our esteemed chairman wishes to speak."
A tall thin older Norwegian man spoke. "Members of the European Bankers Association. I wish to thank you for coming to this lovely luncheon. Now let's talk about some business so we can claim this as a deductible. For starters, all in agreement of raising interest rates on loans raise your hands."
Everyone did so. "Excellent," The Chairman nodded. "And we're all in agreement that these loan increases can be applied to all sort of things. Businesses, home and property, cars, yachts, boats that aren't yachts…"
"Spaceship!" Someone gasped.
"Oh, that's a new one," The Chairman brightened. "Yes, spaceships. I suppose that would work."
"No, you idiot!" The Vice Minister pointed. "Behind you!"
The Chairman turned around. Cobra's spaceship hovered over them. "This is Cobra! You are being raided! Resistance is futile!"
"Oh dear…" The Chairman gulped.
Soon the Cobras had rounded up everyone on board and was holding them hostage. "You know the drill folks," Cobra Commander instructed as Tiffany walked around with a bag. "Put all your money, jewelry and valuables in the bag."
"I didn't know that actually," The Chairman spoke up.
"Well then it's a good thing I told you, isn't it?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Boy for a bunch of bigwigs, security is really lousy," Zarana scoffed.
One of the few security guards looked at her. "You have a spaceship with lasers! How are we supposed to fight back against that?"
"All our yacht has is some guns on storage," Another security guard said.
"Actually, this yacht belongs to Cobra," Cobra Commander corrected. "Before it was taken from us and misplaced."
"Wait," The Baroness paused. "If this is one of our old ships wouldn't it have lasers?"
"It was probably bought at a police auction or something like that," Destro said. "They remove lasers and other weapons before they sell vehicles they confiscate to the public."
"Oh, that makes sense," Zandar nodded.
"It would be pretty stupid if they didn't," Buzzer spoke up. "Think about it. A bloke uses some kind of fancy high tech armored car to rob a bank and gets caught. You actually think the cops are stupid enough to sell that same car with all those weapons to some other bloke who would use it to rob another bank? No. They wouldn't."
Torch paused. "How would the coppers catch him if he has a high tech armored car?"
"He'd have to leave the car sooner or later, wouldn't he?" Buzzer rolled his eyes. "Maybe he was on a donut run and decided to use the restroom or something?"
"Or he had to fill up the car with gas and it was one of those self-service places," Tiffany volunteered as she collected the loot. "That could totally happen."
"I know one bloke who got pinched just by visiting his sick granny in the hospital," Monkeywrench spoke up. "One of my cellmates actually."
"That wouldn't happen in this group," Buzzer said. "We all hate most of our relatives."
"The donut/restroom thing is more plausible," Zartan agreed.
"Who cares?" Cobra Commander shouted. "The point is this ship is ours and we're taking it back! Along with any other valuables we can find."
"I believe the bar is down this way," Destro motioned with his arm.
"That's what I'm talking about," Cobra Commander said as he went with Destro, Firefly and Mindbender down below.
The Vice Minster glared at the Dreadnoks. "You barbarians will not get away with this!"
"Probably," Torch admitted. "We do have a fifty-fifty ratio in this department so…"
"Torch shut up!" Zartan groaned.
"You will pay for invoking the wrath of the European Bankers Association!" Minster Woodbane snapped.
"Oh, the bankers are going to make us pay!" Zartan mocked.
"What are you going to do, lady?" Buzzer snickered. "Take away our toasters?"
"Close our checking accounts?" Zarana snickered.
"Joke's on you!" Torch snickered. "I don't even have a checking account!"
"Neither do I," Monkeywrench nodded. "Banks just rip you off anyway."
"Bunch of crooks they are," Torch agreed.
"We're the criminals?" The Chairman shouted. "You are literally robbing us and you're calling us criminals?"
"Oh, get off your high horse, Bill Shoemaker!" Zandar snapped. "You people didn't exactly get all the money you made by just depositing checks."
"They did," Zarana quipped. "From other blokes' bank accounts."
Torch took a swig of champagne. Then spit it out. "Ugh. This grape juice has gone bad."
"That's champagne you strategically shaved monkey," The Vice Minister snapped.
"What you call me?" Torch whipped his weapon in their direction.
"On the other hand," The Chairman coughed nervously. "I did notice that particular vintage was a little off…"
"It was, wasn't it?" Another banker added nervously.
"That was definitely not one of the better years," Another banker added.
"Don't kowtow to these animals!" The Vice Minister snapped. "What can they do to us?"
"Uh, do you not see the very large weapons?" The Chairman pointed.
"I mean a little civility does go a long way," Another banker added.
"No need to get personal," A third banker spoke up.
"They're not going to kill us, you fools!" The Vice Minister snapped.
"Are you sure about that?" The Chairman gulped. "I'm not so sure about that."
"Oh, we're not going to kill you," Zarana had an evil glint in her eye.
"I know that look," Zandar did a double take.
"You might want to wish for death," Zartan told the hostages. "Because when she gets that look…It's not good."
"Not for them," Zarana grinned.
Ten minutes later…
"I can't believe this!" Cobra Commander grumbled as the others emerged. "I mean it was bad enough they barely had any valuables down below. But that champagne they have has obviously expired!"
"That is clearly not a good vintage," Destro admitted.
"Well it was from one of our old vineyards so…" The Baroness began. Then she did a double take. "What's going on?"
The bankers had been stripped down to their underwear. "Just having a little fun," Zarana grinned.
"Okay I definitely did not order that," Cobra Commander remarked. He did a double take. "Or that!"
Torch was now dressed in the Vice Minister's outfit. "You said to take their stuff," Torch said.
"Not all their stuff!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Jewelry. Credit cards. Cash. The occasional flask of whisky. They could have kept their clothes! You think I want to see that? That one man has bigger breasts than the Baroness!"
"And a lot saggier," Zartan added.
"Excuse me?" The Baroness snarled.
"Oh well, what's done is done…" Cobra Commander waved. "Lucky for you I'm in a generous mood. Now get off my ship."
"What?" The Chairman gasped.
"Into the lifeboats moron!" Cobra Commander pointed. "Unless you'd rather swim with the fishes?"
"Leaving," The Chairman gulped.
Soon the hostages were stranded in several lifeboats. To their shock and horror, the starship shot the yacht and blew it up.
Of course, Cobra Commander and the other Cobras were back on the spaceship with their newest ill-gotten gains. "Ha! Look at their faces! HA!"
"And I got it all recorded with our security camera," Mindbender grinned. "This is a keeper!"
"Why did you blow up our own yacht?" The Baroness asked.
"Honestly," Cobra Commander shrugged. "The interest rates were getting way too high."
"Well it's official," Destro sighed. "We can now add piracy to the growing list of charges for this year."
"Oh, lighten up, Destro!" Cobra Commander told him. "We just stole from and humiliated the European Bankers Association. That has to at least give us some major points on the board!"
"Would have been more if Torch didn't insist on dressing up in drag," Destro grumbled.
"Da, da, dah, da, dah, da, dahhh!" Torch was dancing around still dressed up in the Vice Minister's dress and earrings.
"To be fair," Cobra Commander mused. "It is a good look on him."
Cobra Base Number 51: Another yacht. This time sailing in the Adriatic Sea.
"Oh baby, baby…" Five young men wearing similar white and blue hipster outfits were dancing on the deck of the yacht. "My heart's gone out to sea. Don't you know what you mean to me…?"
"CUT!" A familiar balding director with large sunglasses called out. "Okay Coreyz R Here! Listen up! This is a George Landisburg video! I demand perfection!"
"Corey Z! You keep forgetting that it's a triple pivot after the double down drop," Landisburg directed. "You're out of synch with Corey D and Corey B! You two are fine just watch the hands. Make them more fluid when you turn. Corey G. You're moving a little too fast on the tempo. Your band needs to stay in sync with you. And Corey RD…GET OFF THE DAMN CELL PHONE!"
Corey RD was on the phone. "Yeah baby…Yeah. I know. It's such a drag being away from you. Don't worry baby. I'll be home soon. Who's Daddy's favorite little Boston Terrier? Who's Daddy's favorite little…HEY!"
Landisburg tore the phone out of his hands. "If it's not too much trouble, would you mind getting back to work?"
"Hey cut me some slack GL," Corey RD told him as he grabbed the phone back. "We've been turning and pivoting all day! I need a smoothie break!"
"Yeah! Smoothie break! Now you're talking!" The other Coreys agreed.
"No! No breaks until we get this right!" Landisburg snapped.
"Yo, Uncle G," Corey G folded his arms. "Everything we shot so far is good. We can fix it all in editing like all our other videos. Just chill-ax dude."
"Yeah like we're doing you a favor," Corey Z added. "The only reason you got hired for this gig is because you're Corey G's uncle!"
"So man, unless you want to go back making traffic school videos in Belize…" Corey G told him. "We get a break."
"Ugh, fine! Take five!" Landisburg groaned.
"Make it twenty," Corey G nodded. The other Corey's high fived him. "And extra smoothies for everybody!"
"God you make one rock video with a bunch of terrorists almost thirty years ago and nobody lets you ever forget it!" Landisburg groaned. "Forget the Hollywood Blacklist. I'm on the Hollywood Super Blacklist! But after this video people will forget all of that!"
"Uh Mr. Landisburg?" One of his assistants noticed something.
Landisburg ignored him. "After this nobody will ever associate George Landisburg productions with…"
"COBRA!"
"Yes, that organization!" Landisburg nodded. "Which ruined my life!"
Then he heard the sounds of lasers blasting. "NO! NO! We're shooting the pyrotechnic scene…" He turned around. "Later…"
The Cobras had managed to round up the band and the crew. "Hands up! You are now prisoners of Cobra!" Cobra Commander snarled.
"Oh God!" Landisburg gasped. "I remember you lunatics! NO! NOT AGAIN!"
Cobra Commander was puzzled. "Have we met before?"
"YES! And you ruined my life!" Landisburg screamed.
"You're going to have to be way more specific than that dude," Monkeywrench chuckled.
"Testify," Destro sighed.
"Hey!" Torch realized something. He had returned to his normal clothing. "I remember this bloke! He's that guy! That director guy! You know? The one that made that movie about the Joes!"
"That's right," Ripper realized. "Boy was that movie a stinker! Whoo!"
"He also directed the Cold Slither video," Zartan realized. "I thought you looked familiar."
"Yeah it's him!" Torch nodded. "How are you doin'?"
"How am I doing?" Landisburg snapped. "How am I doing? I'll tell you how I'm doing! After that whole Cold Slither fiasco, I got blacklisted by Hollywood for working with terrorists!"
"And yet they have no problem with the mob," Cobra Commander mused. "Weird."
"Double standards," Buzzer shook his head.
Landisburg went on. "My reputation was ruined. My cars were repossessed. My house was foreclosed by the bank. My wife left me. My mistress left me. And worst of all my agent left me! I was forced to leave LA and work under a variety of pseudonyms in several other countries. Directing every low budget underfunded picture I could get!"
"You worked in porn?" The Baroness asked.
"I wish!" Landisburg moaned. "Apparently even that industry has standards! No! I ended up shooting school safety videos and traffic school videos!"
"Yikes," Zandar winced.
"That is bad," Zartan admitted.
"Let me guess," Landisburg groaned. "You're going to kill me now? WHY NOT? TAKE MY LIFE! I'M ALREADY DEAD INSIDE!"
"Yeah take his life!" Corey G spoke up.
"Spare ours!" Corey RD added.
"Is this the end of George Landisburg?" He knelt to his feet. "TAKE ME NOW GOD! I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE!"
"Okay now I remember this guy," Cobra Commander groaned. "What a drama queen!"
"And that's you saying it," Destro remarked. Cobra Commander glared at him.
"Why is this moron here?" The Baroness sniffed disdainfully.
"You're talking about the director guy, right?" Ripper asked.
"Yes," The Baroness grumbled. "Right. I should be more specific in the future about which moron I am speaking about."
"That would be less confusing to the other morons," Destro quipped.
"Hey Commander…" Torch said.
"Speaking of which…" Destro sighed.
"It looks like they're making a video," Torch pointed.
"Really?" Zartan thought. "What do you say about getting the band back together?"
"Oh no…" Landisburg moaned. "Not again…"
Ten minutes later…
"Roll 'em!" Cobra Commander called out from the director's chair. "Action!"
"Rolling," Firefly, The Crimson Twins and the Baroness held up their phones.
The Dreadnoks were all dancing around and singing. As well as destroying several instruments. "We're Cold Slither, you'll be joining us soon! A band of vipers playing our tune!"
"With an iron fist!" Zartan punched out Corey G.
"And a reptile hiss!" Tiffany crashed a guitar over Corey RD's head.
"We will ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuule!" Torch, Buzzer, Ripper and Monkeywrench held Corey Z and threw him overboard.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" Corey Z screamed as he hit the water.
"Now this is a music video!" Cobra Commander grinned as he watched the mayhem.
"Why…?" Destro asked.
"Think of it as something to attract the teens of today," Cobra Commander remarked. "I know they're not our usual demographic…"
"No, I get it," Destro waved. "I mean I don't get their music but I get marketing."
"Oh God it's my nightmare all over again!" Landisburg moaned as he stood off to the side. "My career is going down the tubes a second time!"
"Technically that happened when you made that terrible GI Joe movie," Destro told him. "And I'm not just saying it because I'm not a fan of GI Joe. It really was a bad movie."
"Bad acting, bad directing," The Baroness went on. "My character was barely in it."
"The actor who played me was so wooden I thought it was Pinocchio under that mask," Cobra Commander added.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"
"Oops," Monkeywrench looked overboard. "That bloke we tossed overboard is getting eaten by a shark."
"COREY!" The Other Coreys screamed.
"Another day, another charge of murder," Destro remarked.
"We should go…" Cobra Commander remarked. "You know the drill. Throw the survivors into a lifeboat after stealing from them. Then…"
Twenty minutes later…
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Boy they really make those yachts flammable, don't they?" Torch remarked as they looked from the spaceship. "I mean don't get me wrong it's more fun to blow them up."
"And we're blowing up on social media," Cobra Commander looked at his phone. "I knew posting that video would get us to go viral! Who's a has been now?"
"Me…" Landisburg moaned. He was lying down on the floor in a fetal position.
"Why did we bring him?" The Baroness pointed to Landisburg.
"We felt bad for the bloke," Monkeywrench shrugged.
"Why?" Cobra Commander asked.
"I don't know," Buzzer shrugged. "He's just so pathetic…"
"That's it, kick me when I'm down!" Landisburg moaned.
"Okay…" Ripper shrugged.
"OW!"
"Not literally you…Oh never mind," Destro sighed. "Of course, we're going viral Commander! We just murdered a popular member of a boy band!"
"Technically the shark killed him…" Zartan pointed out.
"Oh, for crying out loud…" Destro groaned.
"Relax," Tiffany waved. "We only killed the one who can barely dance and can't lip sync."
"Corey Z?" Firefly asked. "Good! I never liked him. Especially after he dumped Trisha R Trish for that skank Bona F. Ide!"
"Who?" Destro did a double take.
"Trisha R Trish?" Firefly was stunned. "The hot rapper/actress/producer/all-natural shampoo mogul?"
"Bona F. Ide?" Zarana added. "The former porn star turned semi-legitimate actress turned porn producer slash edible underwear mogul? Formerly dated Huffy the Weasel? Sloop John B Goode? And Skannk Zed Applebarrel?"
"WHO?" Destro did another double take.
"I don't know who those people are either," Torch admitted.
"You don't even know who you are half the time," Ripper told him.
"Oh great," Destro groaned. "I have the pop cultural IQ of Torch."
Something moved in one of the bags. The bag opened to reveal Corey G tied up. "Yo! Let me out yo!"
"You kidnapped one of the boy band members too?" Destro shouted.
"Only the one who had the most talent," Tiffany protested. "We could ransom him."
"Oh no!" Zarana shouted. "No way! We've been down that road before! Forget it!"
"What about me?" Landisburg snapped.
"Who'd want you?" Corey G asked. "I'm seriously asking."
Landisburg glared at Corey G. "If you want to kill him too I'm on board with that!"
"Harsh Uncle!" Corey G gasped. "Harsh!"
"I actually have a better idea," The Baroness narrowed her eyes.
"I'm listening," Cobra Commander said.
Twenty minutes later…
Vatican City…On top of St. Peter's Basilica.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" Corey G screamed as he hung by his underwear from a steeple.
"That was a better idea!" Cobra Commander laughed as they watched the scene from the spaceship.
"All right," Destro shrugged. "I admit it. That was enjoyable."
"This is actually productive too," Mindbender said. "People will start to fear Cobra once again!"
"Or at the very least the Teen Choice Awards," The Baroness admitted.
"Uh excuse me…" Landisburg raised his hand. "What about me?"
"We kept the loser?" Torch scratched his head.
"For once I'm with Stupid," The Baroness asked. "What are we going to do with him?"
"Hello…" Blood Wing entered the room holding an umbrella. "Ooh! A guest! How nice!"
"Why are you carrying an umbrella?" Landisburg looked at him.
"Because sunscreen only goes so far," Blood Wing grumbled. "And if this stupid spaceship could filter light out better…"
"He's very fair skinned," Zartan quipped.
"Say, how about we go in the back and get to know each other better?" Blood Wing grinned as he took Landisburg by the arm. "More private in there. And no windows."
"If this is a come on you should know…" Landisburg sighed. "I'll take whatever I can get."
"Well Blood Wing is going to have a nice snack," Crystal Ball quipped as Blood Wing took Landisburg into the back room.
"I'm not cleaning that mess up," The Baroness groaned.
"Ironic," Cobra Commander remarked. "The man made so many turkeys of films over the years…"
"And is about to be eaten by one," Destro added. "That is ironic!"
"Let's go to the next base," Cobra Commander waved. "We're on a roll today!"
Cobra Base Number 52: Yet another yacht. This one anchored in a port in Malta.
"Well this is our base," Mindbender pointed as he stood on the deck with Destro, Cobra Commander, Zartan and the Twins. "What's left of it."
A burned wreck of a yacht was shown in the middle of the water. "Typical…" Cobra Commander grumbled.
"Why do I have a feeling those idiots Vapor and Zero had something to do with this?" Destro grumbled.
"Oh crap," Cobra Commander groaned. "I'd forgotten about those losers!"
"Me too," Zartan admitted.
"Uh…" Xamot and Tomax looked at each other.
FLASHBACK!
A few years back…
"Let's get this party started!" Xamot cheered to a group of scantily clad women on the deck of a yacht. He and his brother were wearing matching yachting outfits.
"Who wants barbecue?" Tomax asked. He was standing at a grill and added some lighter fluid to it.
"Tomax!" Xamot remarked. "Don't! I already…"
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Added the lighter fluid," Xamot winced as the fire rose higher. "This ship has lifeboats, right?"
FLASHFORWARD!
"Yes!" Tomax said quickly.
"Vapor and Zero are to blame!" Xamot added.
"Definitely!" The Twins said as one.
"At least we don't have to blow this one up," Mindbender remarked.
"Awww…." Torch pouted.
"No more yachts, right?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Nope," Mindbender shook his head. "The rest are on land. Mostly."
"Mostly?" Cobra Commander asked. "Define mostly."
"Well…" Mindbender coughed.
Cobra Base Number 53: A forest in the Swiss Alps.
"What the hell is this?" Cobra Commander screamed as he looked through the window of the starship. "It looks like a run-down tree fort!"
"That's because it is a run-down tree fort," Destro sighed. "With no computers or equipment or anything of importance."
"Explain…" Cobra Commander's voice was icy.
"Remember when we ran out of money back in the 80s?" The Baroness explained. "The first time?"
"Go on," Cobra Commander folded his arms.
"You wanted a base built here and a little thing like a lack of funds wasn't exactly dissuading you," Destro added. "So, we came up with this idea to simply put a tree fort together quickly and just call it a base."
"We were planning on making an actual base once we got the proper funding," Xamot began.
Tomax finished. "But we forgot all about it and never got around to it."
"Until the second time Cobra ran out of money," Xamot added.
"So, we put that on the back burner of projects we needed to do," Tomax added.
"Unfortunately, it was low on the list of projects," Xamot went on.
"Second from the bottom I believe," Tomax added.
"If this is second from the bottom…" Cobra Commander groaned. "Dare I ask what was at the bottom?"
"That theme park you wanted built in Nevada," The Baroness admitted. "Different than Cobra World. This was the one where you added alcohol and brothels."
"Oh right, Cobra Land," Cobra Commander remembered. "Never could get the proper permits for that one."
"As you can see Commander," Destro coughed. "This is not a suitable base of operations."
"But it is suitable kindling for firewood!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Torch…"
"On it!" Torch grinned as he pushed the buttons.
ZZAAAAAAAAAAAP!
FOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Wow look at that fire go," Torch grinned.
"Wow," The Baroness drawled. "Look at that fire spread!"
"Next base?" Destro asked.
"Yes," Cobra Commander nodded. "Provided that it's actually a base!"
"It is!" Mindbender nodded.
"Good," Cobra Commander grunted. "I'd better not be disappointed this time!"
"Oh, that might be a problem," Mindbender winced.
"Why?" Cobra Commander hissed.
Cobra Base Number 54: Czech Republic, Prague.
"ANOTHER DAMN CHICKEN RESTARUANT?" Cobra Commander screamed when he saw what was outside the spaceship. Down below was a boarded up Clucky Chicken restaurant with words in foreign letters.
"Technically it's an abandoned chicken restaurant," Mindbender corrected him.
"Torch…" Cobra Commander hissed.
"On it…" Torch pressed the button. "Boy, my button finger is getting a workout today!"
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAPP!
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"NEXT!" Cobra Commander screamed.
Cobra Base Number 55: In the remote mountains of Bulgaria.
"Now this is what I'm talking about!" Cobra Commander pointed to the castle in the woods before them. "Lovely castle. Remote location. Nice windows. Quiet. Perfect for world plotting."
"It is rather homey," The Baroness remarked. She was there with Destro, Zartan, Mindbender, Torch and the Twins to scout out the base.
"I wonder why it was abandoned?" Destro remarked as they headed inside.
Twenty minutes later….
"RETREAT!" Cobra Commander screamed as he fled the castle. "COBRA RETREAT!"
The other Cobras were right behind them. As well as several lumbering zombies. "Have some hot lunch boys!" Torch turned around and used his flamethrower to set the zombies on fire.
Of course, some of the zombies stumbled around into trees and shrubs and set them on fire.
"GET TO THE SHIP!" Destro shouted.
"WHY DO YOU THINK WE'RE RUNNING?" The Baroness shouted.
"DON'T YELL AT ME WOMAN!" Destro snapped.
"STOP BITCHING AND RUN!" Zartan screamed.
"WHOO HOO!" Torch whooped as he set some more zombies on fire. "This is a hot time in the old town tonight!"
"TORCH STOP BURNING THE ZOMBIES AND GET INTO THE DAMN SHIP!" Zartan shouted as they ran into the ship.
"Blow it up! Blow it up!" Cobra Commander ordered to the remaining crew on board.
"What the castle?" Ripper asked.
"No, I mean your blow-up doll!" Cobra Commander said sarcastically as the other Cobras ran into the ship. "OF COURSE I MEAN THE CASTLE! AND THE ZOMBIE HORDE DOWN THERE!"
"Ooh," Monkeywrench winced. "That's always a bummer."
"GET US OUT OF HERE AND BLOW UP THAT CASTLE!" Cobra Commander ordered. "NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW!"
"Okay…" Firefly was at the controls and piloted the ship into the sky. "One roasted zombie horde coming up!"
ZZAAAAAAAAAAAAP! ZAAAAAAAAAAAP!
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"THAT'S WHY THIS PLACE WAS ABANDONED!" Zartan screamed.
"MINDBUNGLER!" Cobra Commander yelled.
"Don't look at me!" Mindbender snapped. "This wasn't one of mine! I've never even been to this castle! It must have been one of my interns that did this!"
"Cor that's a big fire," Torch grinned.
"The good news is I think we killed off all the zombies," Firefly remarked.
"Technically zombies are undead," Tiffany reminded him.
"You know what I mean," Firefly remarked. "The bad news…That fire down there is out of control."
"Not our problem!" Cobra Commander snapped. "NEXT!"
Cobra Base Number 56: The small village of Smenj in the mountainside of Bosnia and Herzegovina
"You have got to be kidding me?" Cobra Commander wailed at the sight of a burned down shack. All the Cobras minus Blood Wing and Crystal Ball were there.
"It gets worse," Xamot remarked.
"It looks like it was a chicken restaurant," Tomax remarked.
"Do I even want to know how this happened?" Cobra Commander grumbled.
"Apparently a lightning strike," Blood Wing walked over in his human form. "According to that sign."
"Okay first of all…" Torch did a double take. "You're not a chicken now?"
"Hello?" Blood Wing pointed to the sky which was now dark except for the bright moon in the sky. "It's night here! And I transform into a turkey, turkey!"
"How could you read the sign?" The Baroness pointed.
"I can read and understand over fifty-six languages," Blood Wing sniffed. "Admittedly thirteen of them are no longer in existence."
"Fifty-six?" Cobra Commander was impressed.
"I knew a witch who knew a language spell," Blood Wing said. "Well worth the sixty gold coins I paid to learn it. I'm centuries old. Whenever I got really bored, I'd learn a new language."
"Seniors do need to keep active," Ripper nodded.
"The point is this residence was destroyed by lightning about a year ago," Blood Wing waved.
"So, we made this trip for nothing? Wonderful," The Baroness groaned.
"You realize we're running out of bases, right?" Destro snapped.
"Yes Destro! We can count!" The Baroness snapped back. "Well most of us…" She looked at the Dreadnoks in distain.
"What's going on over there?" Zandar pointed in the distance.
"Looks like some kind of town festival," Zartan said. "Everyone is wearing masks and costumes."
"Ooh! Where there are festivals there are drinks!" Mindbender grinned. "And where there are drinks there is at least one loose woman who wouldn't mind putting out for a pint!"
The Baroness looked at him. "You are even more repulsive than your experiments!"
"He's not wrong," Zartan shrugged. "I mean nine times out of ten the woman willing to put out is uglier than Torch in a dress but…"
"You said I looked fetching!" Torch pouted.
"I told you to go fetch your real clothes!" Zartan snapped.
"Look we've had a long day," Cobra Commander waved. "Let's just go to the festival and relax. Have some drinks for a few hours. Then we'll go to the last base on the list before anybody knows we're here."
"I could go for a drink," Blood Wing nodded.
The Baroness looked at him. "Didn't you already get enough blood?"
"Of alcohol!" Blood Wing snapped. "I'm good on blood for now."
"Why not?" Destro sighed. "Let's just try to keep the mayhem to a minimum, shall we?"
"Relax Destro," Zartan waved as the group went to the festival. "What could happen?"
"You really need to learn to stop saying that," Destro glared at him.
"Why?" Zartan asked.
One hour later…
"This is why…" Destro glared out the window of the spaceship as it looked at the burning village below. "This is why you shouldn't tempt fate, Zartan!"
"Man, that was a fun party," Crystal Ball laughed. "I could see everything using my powers from here. You idiots really made a mess of that place!"
"And you wonder why I don't bring you anywhere," Cobra Commander glared at him.
"Boy this party really got out of control fast too," Buzzer remarked.
"Gee I wonder why?" Cobra Commander snapped. He glared at Destro and the Baroness.
"You can't seriously be blaming us for this!" Destro shouted.
"Can. Will. Have," Cobra Commander snarled. "You two are the ones that started that fight in the square!"
"First of all," Destro pointed out. "That was the Baroness' fault!"
"My fault?" The Baroness shouted. "You were the one who was openly flirting with that barmaid skank!"
"I was asking her for a drink," Destro snapped.
"With your hand on her breast?" The Baroness snapped. "Let me guess, she's blind and deaf and you needed to communicate in braille?"
"You're one to talk!" Destro snapped. "You were all over that male prostitute in the pretzel stand!"
"I just wanted to see how he makes his pretzels," The Baroness said innocently.
"Judging by how he wrapped himself around you," Destro shot back. "I'm sure the pretzel is one of his favorite positions!"
"Here's my position!" Cobra Commander snapped. "You two are idiots!"
"If it wasn't for you two morons screaming at the top of your lungs," Firefly spoke up. "You wouldn't have attracted the attention of the cops and gotten into a fight with them!"
"I wasn't the one who was making out with the mayor's wife!" Destro pointed at Mindbender.
"Told you," Mindbender shrugged. There was lipstick on his mouth and face and abs. "Always one looking for a good time cheap."
"Yeah, and that one is you!" The Baroness snapped.
"Let me clarify somethings," Mindbender raised his finger. "One. The mayor wasn't mad that I was making out with his wife. He was mad that he wasn't allowed to watch!"
"I'm surrounded by perverts," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"And two," Mindbender looked at Cobra Commander. "I'm not the one that assaulted the mayor!"
"It's not my fault that drunk of a mayor got electrocuted when he grabbed my mask!" Cobra Commander snapped. "He wasn't even killed. He just lay there twitching."
"Yeah that's pretty much the reason why his wife sleeps around," Mindbender shrugged. "From what she was able to tell me in broken German."
"If we're talking about morons," The Baroness spoke up. "Let's not forget the champions of idiocy known as the Dreadnoks!"
"What did they do?" Zartan groaned.
"Besides burn down half the village?" Destro remarked.
"That part I saw," Zartan groaned.
"I was covering our escape!" Torch protested. "Besides I didn't start the fire on the west side!"
"Uh that was me I admit," Firefly spoke up.
"Why?" Cobra Commander asked.
"I cased the village. Saw a jewelry store," Firefly admitted. "Thought to myself: Hey might as well do something constructive. Broke in and robbed the place…"
"And set fire to cover your tracks?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Not intentionally," Firefly admitted. "One of the charges had a tiny bit too much explosive than I thought. It was just one of those things. But I did get two bags worth of jewelry! Mostly gold!" He pointed to some bags.
"Fair enough," Cobra Commander paused. "That's what I like about you, Firefly. You always seem to keep an eye on the ball. Unlike Zartan who can't keep an eye on his idiots!"
"Where were you anyway?" Zarana asked her brother.
"Uh…" Zartan paused.
FLASHBACK!
Zartan looked at a nice looking house. "No one is home…" Zartan grinned as he picked the lock, making sure that no one saw him. "Might as well do a little shopping."
He slunk inside. Two minutes later…
"RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" Zartan screamed.
"RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! RARRRRRRRRR!"
"MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!"
CRASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!
"MEOOOWWWWWWWWW!"
"GET OFF!" Zartan screamed as he stumbled out of the house. Three cats were hanging onto him, clawing at him. "GET OFF OF ME! GET OFF!"
"MEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!"
"GET OFF!" Zartan shook off the cats and pulled out his blaster. "Go back to Hell pets of Satan!"
ZAAP! ZAAAAP! ZAAAP! ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!
CRASH!
"Damn it!" Zartan snapped as he missed the cats but broke the windows of the house. "Cats really do have nine lives!"
He then noticed that his blaster fire had ignited the drapes in the building. "Uh oh…" He gulped.
"RARRRRRRR!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Zartan screamed as he fled for his life.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Just around," Zartan shrugged. "Enjoying the scenery."
"Why are your arms covered in scratches?" Zarana noticed his arms.
"I fell into a bush," Zartan snapped. "I wasn't paying attention! Okay?"
"Well if you were paying attention," Cobra Commander snapped. "You'd have noticed the trouble your Dreadnoks caused! Starting with your siblings!"
"What did you do?" Zartan looked at the other set of twins he was related to.
"Nothing much," Zandar shrugged. "Did a little pickpocketing."
"Stole some barrels of beer," Zarana shrugged. "Punched out a few blokes."
"To be fair," Zandar spoke up. "Tiffany and the others were the ones who started that other fight!"
"Let's just say some blokes aren't as evolved as we are when it comes to people who are different," Monkeywrench shrugged. "So we thought we'd teach them a lesson."
"By taking some chainsaws to their furniture?" Zarana asked.
"Their tacky décor needed an upgrade," Tiffany pointed out. "And if you'll recall, our fight started after the Crimson Twits got into a brawl!"
"Look I admit we were a little tipsy," Xamot spoke up.
"And drank a bit too much," Tomax finished.
"We couldn't find a restroom…" Xamot began.
"And apparently that front lawn of that judge was better lit than we thought," Tomax finished.
"Oh, for crying out loud…" The Baroness groaned.
"To be fair they really should have had a port-o-potty or something," Cobra Commander admitted. "I used the mayor's garden. That's how I found Mindbender and the mayor's wife."
"At least we didn't kill people!" Tomax shouted.
"Or go on a murder spree!" Xamot added.
"Look what are the odds that I ran into a very old enemy of mine who just happened to be a vampire hunter in his youth?" Blood Wing snapped. "It was self defense!"
"The man was over 90 and could barely stand, much less lift up a stake!" Destro snapped.
"You fell for that act?" Blood Wing huffed.
"Even if he was an enemy," The Baroness grumbled. "You had to drink him and twenty other people?"
"Technically I didn't drink him and twenty other people," Blood Wing corrected. "I only killed him. And fifteen other people. I only drank about four additional people and two of them I let live. The women. What? They were hot!"
"I thought you said you were full!" Zartan snapped.
"I was lying," Blood Wing shrugged. "That guy didn't fill me up as much as I thought he would."
"Gee the lousy director was a disappointing meal," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "Who would have thought?"
"You're the one who put him on the menu!" Blood Wing snapped. "Don't blame me for your bad taste!"
Cobra Commander paused. "Fair enough. Next time I'll get you a better class of victim."
"That's all I'm saying," Blood Wing shrugged. "Technically he wasn't that bad. Just not as filling. Like having a cracker when you want a sandwich."
"So, when we first met and you told us you only ate lizards…" Torch realized something.
"He was lying yes!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I'm amazed you didn't eat us right then and there!"
"That would have been rude," Blood Wing sniffed.
"Oh but disemboweling somebody with their own rake is perfectly acceptable," Mindbender rolled his eyes. "Good to know."
"You shot five people in the back as they were running away!" Blood Wing snapped. "At least the guy I disemboweled was fighting me man to man!"
"To be fair that's the only way Mindbender can hit anyone," The Baroness quipped.
"So, to recap," Crystal Ball quipped. "You lot caused a riot, a scandal, burned down half the village, murdered the other half, committed burglary, assault, theft and several counts of public urination. Not to mention Zartan's attempt at cat-tricide!"
"Shut up!" Zartan snapped.
"Or is the technical term attempted feline homicide?" Crystal Ball went on.
"SHUT UP!" Zartan shouted.
"What happened?" Zandar asked.
"Let's just say I officially hate cats!" Zartan snapped. "That's all I'm going to say!"
"I'll show you guys later," Crystal Ball told the others.
"No, you won't!" Zartan snapped.
"Want to bet?" The Baroness smirked.
"Let's just go to the last base!" Zartan groaned. "And pray that it's still standing."
"Well if it is," Crystal Ball quipped. "Odds are it won't for much longer."
Cobra Base Number 57: A secret underground base in the Ural Mountains, Russia.
"Well its not much," Firefly remarked as the Cobras looked around the conference room of their new base.
"But at least it's not a damn chicken restaurant," Destro interrupted.
"I was going to say it's still standing and has power," Firefly looked at him. "But yeah, that too."
"Looks like we're staying here," Cobra Commander grumbled. "Not that we have much of a choice!"
"You're the one who insisted we blow up the yachts," Zartan pointed out.
"We have a spaceship!" Cobra Commander snapped. "It's basically a yacht with lasers and bombs that can fly through time and space! Having actual yachts is just ridiculous! And redundant. Plus, where the hell were we going to store them?"
"And there was no way in hell I was staying in another chicken restaurant," Destro said. "Hell, I would have stayed in the tree fort before that!"
"You know today we did an unusual amount of calamity and mayhem," The Baroness remarked. "Even beyond our usual standards."
"More than you think," Destro groaned as he looked at a computer pad. "I've just been checking the news. It seems we've done even more damage."
"What do you mean?" Cobra Commander asked.
"In addition to the piracy, murders, mayhem…" Destro paused. "Starting a three-alarm fire in the Alps…"
"And burning down almost half of Berlin," The Baroness added. "And another village."
"And apparently a good section of Prague," Destro went on.
"We don't need a recap!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Just tell me the new stuff!"
"Remember Chompers?" Destro asked. "And how he died?"
"Vividly," Cobra Commander admitted. "So?"
"Well apparently there was some residual formula in the exploded meat," Destro explained. "And of course, there was so much of it the authorities couldn't get to all of it in time before the local vermin could."
"And by vermin you mean…?" Cobra Commander paused.
"Mice and rats," Destro told him.
FLASHBACK!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" People were running from giant mice and rats the size of large cars in the streets.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Not to mention crows," Destro sighed.
FLASHBACK!
An old man was sitting on a park bench. He heard the cawing of crows. "Stupid crows…" He muttered.
Then one giant crow flew down and grabbed him with his talons. Then flew away. "CAWW!"
"Well…" The old man sighed. "At least this way I can get out of visiting my sister in law."
FLASHFORWARD!
"And some stray dogs and cats…" Destro added.
"I think we get the picture," Cobra Commander sighed. "I take it that GI Joe is now busy playing pest control?"
"And the Avengers," Destro added. "And apparently several armies."
"Boy are we going to get blamed for that," Ripper remarked.
"At least we accomplished some major terrorism today," Mindbender said cheerfully.
"And you accomplished getting to second base," Crystal Ball had been set on the table.
"Not that I really care," Cobra Commander groaned. "What happened to that idiot director? You didn't leave his body in the ship did you Blood Wing? Because that's going to leave a smell. And the Dreadnoks have already covered that."
"Oh no," Blood Wing waved. "I left him back in the woods at our last stop. No problem."
"Fine," Cobra Commander waved. "Another day, another enemy killed. Although technically that director was more of an annoyance than an enemy. But I'll take what I can get."
"Well technically I didn't…." Blood Wing stopped.
"What?" Cobra Commander looked at him. "Did you say something?"
"Oh nothing," Blood Wing whistled.
"I'm calling it a day," Cobra Commander grumbled as he left the room. "I'm going to find myself a bed and use it. And whatever bottles of scotch I can find."
"I agree," Destro groaned as most of the Cobras left the room. "I just can't take any more insanity right now."
"Interesting choice of words," Crystal Ball quipped as he and Blood Wing were left behind. "Okay Wing. You have to tell me. Why?"
"I was bored," Blood Wing shrugged. "Call it an…experiment."
Meanwhile somewhere in a forest in Bosnia-Herzegovina…
"Oh, my head…" Landisburg stumbled around in the dark by the light of the moon. "I haven't had a hangover this bad since that weekend I spent at the Playboy Mansion."
He found a stream and he knelt down by it to splash his face with water. Only to see by the light of the moon that his features were changing. His hair was growing back and he looked younger. "What the…"
Landisburg looked at himself. "I'm young again! To hell with the hangover! Whatever I took I want more of it! WHOO HOO!"
He started dancing around. "This is it! This is how I make my comeback! I'll just change my name and pretend to be someone else! I'll have to start at the bottom again but at least this time I'll have a shot! This time I won't make the same mistakes I made in the past!"
"Like having Charlie Sheen be my AA sponsor. Yeesh! That was a bad one!"
"But that's in the past!" Landisburg smiled proudly as he saw the sun coming up. "It's a brand-new day! A new life! A new start! Look out world! Here comes George Landisburg! Oh right…I should change my name or something. Eh. The point is, that for the first time in a long time, everything is going my way! And nothing will stop me! The curse of George Landisburg is over!"
He raised his arms to the sun. Then he felt strange. To his horror his fingers started to turn into feathers. "What the hell…?"
The Curse of George Landisburg had only just begun.
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBLEEEEEE!"