Family Fraud
"Well yesterday was quite the little fun fest now wasn't it?" Destro said sarcastically as the Cobras sat around the spaceship. The spaceship was now safely in outer space circling the Earth.
"Destro we don't need a visit from Captain Recap," Cobra Commander snarled.
"Okay how about a guest spot from Major News?" Destro drawled as he looked at his computer pad. "Oh look…Dr. Doom has been arrested and has vowed revenge on everyone."
"That's not news," The Baroness spoke up. "He gets arrested every three or four years. And he always vows revenge on everyone!"
"Yes, but this time he mentioned us specifically," Destro explained. "Russia has formally declared war on Cobra. Several other countries as well as Latveria were damaged by the volcano. There's been more giant animal attacks…"
"We get the picture!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Perhaps we should find a place to lie low for a while?"
"And where are we going to do that?" Destro snapped. "Half the world is out for our blood now!"
"Even we can't just hang around in outer space waiting for the world to cool off," Zarana reasoned.
"I might be able to help with that," Zartan was looking at his data pad.
"I'm not living in a swamp," The Baroness told him. "The chicken restaurants were bad enough!"
"Not that. Remember I told you that I was impersonating Thrasher at his family reunions?" Zartan asked. "And online?"
"I remember. He was that Dreadnok that was so obnoxious even you fools couldn't tolerate him," Cobra Commander asked.
"That's why we killed him," Zarana nodded. "What about him?"
"Remember how I said we were getting checks from his rich family that were directly deposited in an account I made up for years?" Zartan asked. "Mostly to make sure he stayed away?"
"Go on," Destro sighed. "Knowing I don't have a choice…"
"The family lawyer just contacted 'Thrasher' using my fake e-mail account," Zartan said. "Thrasher's grandfather has died. And since his family has been having a slight run of bad luck, Thrasher AKA me, is one of the remaining heirs."
"And how much was dear old granddad worth?" Zandar asked.
"Three to five million dollars," Zartan said.
"Zartan, buddy!" Cobra Commander said warmly. "Old pal! Dearest chum!"
"I'll give you a cut but not all of it!" Zartan snapped. "Look the old coot had a mansion where the will reading is being done. Odds are I will inherit it. Or some other building that old man had. All I have to do is go to the will reading tomorrow. Disguised as a respectable version of Thrasher of course…"
"I thought the only way to make Thrasher respectable was to put him in a coffin," Torch scoffed.
"He's not wrong," Monkeywrench added.
"I go down as Thrasher," Zartan went on. "Collect the inheritance. Yada, yada, yada…You lot sneak down as soon as the lawyer steps out. We have a new hideout and a minor fortune to burn through."
Destro remarked. "That actually sounds like a well thought out plan."
"Not like we have much of a choice Commander," The Baroness admitted.
"Oh, very well," Cobra Commander waved. "What do we have to lose?"
"Don't tempt the universe like that," Destro sighed.
"One more thing," Zartan coughed. "I've had to shall we say improvise Thrasher's life. Or should I say his real name: Brutus Cross from Belgium."
"I thought his name was Bruno Lacrosse?" Zarana asked.
"That's the pen name I made up," Zartan explained. "Remember his brief career into journalism?"
"Journalism?" The Baroness remarked. "I can't imagine any Dreadnok reading, much less writing anything!"
"You'd be surprised," Buzzer shrugged.
"I highly doubt it," The Baroness looked at him.
"My point is," Zartan explained. "I've had to make up a semi-respectable life for Brutus. He's now an insurance salesman."
"That is semi-respectable," Cobra Commander admitted.
"Good news is we don't have to go to Belgium," Zartan said. "Most of the family doesn't even live there anymore. They moved to Southern California."
"This does come at an opportune time," Destro remarked. "As we have no more bases on the continent and have recently become shall we say…persona non-grata…"
"I already got it Destro," Cobra Commander said. "We skip town and go to California and get the cash. Great plan."
"Obviously we can't mention anything about Thrasher being a Dreadnok ever," Zartan said. "Which means most of you lot are going to have to stay hidden for a short time."
"Most of us?" Destro asked.
"Well Zandar and Zarana are going to pose as Brutus's assistant and lawyer respectively," Zartan pointed. "And we also need the Baroness's assistance."
"For what?" The Baroness asked.
"I may have…embellished a few things in order to keep Brutus respectable," Zartan coughed.
"How embellished are we talking about?" The Baroness groaned.
"I'm married with two kids," Zartan said.
"So you need a fake wife?" The Baroness folded her arms.
"Well I'm not going to ask Zarana to do it!" Zartan pointed. "That's weird even for us."
"And it would be weirder if we asked Tiffany," Zandar added. "So, by process of elimination…"
"Uuuuuhgggghhh," The Baroness groaned. "Fine! I'll do it, but only to make sure we get our fair cut and that you Dreadnoks don't run off with the money."
"Wait, you said that Brutus has two children," Destro asked. "How are you going to cover that?"
"We'll just tell them we didn't want to take them out of boarding school in Switzerland," Zartan waved. "Easy peasy."
"Let me see this e-mail," Zarana took Zartan's pad. "It says here you also have to bring a best friend."
"That's me!" Cobra Commander waved. "Best friend right here!"
"It's not you in any sense of the word!" Zartan snapped. "For a lot of reasons."
"Commander I think it would be a little suspicious if either you or I would show up to this meeting," Destro told him.
"I can use some kind of holo-watch to disguise my face!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"What about your voice?" The Baroness asked.
"Damn," Cobra Commander realized they had a point.
"Okay," Zartan sighed. "I'll have to bring someone else. It can't be the Commander or Destro. It also can't be any of the other Dreadnoks…"
"For so many reasons," The Baroness sniffed. "And it can't be the Doublemint Duo."
"The Crimson Twins are out," Zartan sighed. "Blood Wing is definitely out. So that leaves…"
Everyone looked at Mindbender and Firefly. "Not it!" Firefly said quickly.
"Why?" Destro looked at Firefly.
"Not like you would pass up a chance to make extra money," Zartan frowned.
"I have a job I need to do," Firefly coughed. "Around that time. Nothing major. Just a quick in and out. Personal revenge thing. Not important."
"Okay Mindbender you're my wife's brother," Zartan sighed. "And we're friends for some reason."
"Goody!" Mindbender grinned.
"What about the rest of us?" Torch asked.
"You stay cloaked in the damn spaceship!" Zartan snapped.
"Except for me," Firefly spoke up. "I have a personal revenge thingy."
"Except for Firefly because he's oh so special!" Zartan snapped.
"Oh please!" Cobra Commander waved. "Who hasn't had to go on a personal revenge thing?"'
Destro paused. "He's not wrong."
"Yeah," The Baroness nodded.
"Sometimes you just gotta go on your own and kill people," Monkeywrench agreed.
"Or set some fires," Torch asked.
"Or kill people and set some fires," Ripper added.
"It's not that unreasonable a request," Xamot spoke up.
"Very reasonable," Tomax agreed.
"Zartan," Zandar told his brother. "This is the wrong group to complain about that!"
"Obviously..." Zartan groaned.
The following day the remaining Cobras were in the spaceship in the sky, cloaked and awaiting news. "Well I gave the Dreadnoks a hundred-piece children's puzzle," Destro sighed as he walked over to Cobra Commander. "That should keep them occupied for a few hours."
"Hey! These two green pieces go together!" Ripper called out.
"Cool! I think these two pieces make a dog," Torch added.
Destro rolled his eyes. "The Crimson Twins are online looking at their stock portfolios and other properties. I sent Tiffany to watch over their shoulder so they don't cheat us again."
"Good work," Cobra Commander was sitting down holding a guitar like instrument. "What about Blood Wing?"
"He's in the back where there are no windows," Destro told him. "Playing cards with Crystal Ball."
Meanwhile Blood Wing and Crystal Ball were playing cards. Crystal Ball was holding his cards telekinetically. "Got any threes?" Crystal Ball asked.
"Go fish," Blood Wing told him.
Back to Cobra Commander and Destro…
"What are you doing?" Destro asked Cobra Commander.
"Well we have to do something while we wait," Cobra Commander told Destro. "And I've been meaning to get a hobby."
"I thought drinking was your hobby?" Destro asked.
"It's become more of a lifestyle now if I'm being honest," Cobra Commander shrugged.
"That's what most people in AA meetings say," Destro quipped.
"Then I remembered when I was a lad I used to play the Sithkar," Cobra Commander showed him the guitar he was holding. "It's a Cobra La instrument. I had this one replicated using the ship's computers. My mother thought it was good for me to learn a musical instrument when I was a child. She used to play and was my teacher."
He plucked a few cords that sounded quite melodious. "That actually sounds quite good," Destro was impressed.
"Don't be so surprised," Cobra Commander huffed. "I have talents you can't imagine Destro!"
"I didn't think any of them were musical," Destro admitted.
"Well you don't win the Mother-Son Talent Show three years in a row without some musical ability!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"You won talent shows?" Destro was surprised.
"Yes!" Cobra Commander told him. "Would have been four but there was an incident. We were banned for both of us beating up other contestants and the judges. Mother treated me to a snail pop sundae. Then we set fire to one of the judge's gardens. And put the blame on some servants. Ahh, good times."
Cobra Commander looked at Destro. "Don't get me wrong. She was a crazy judgmental old bat, but she had her moments."
"Touching," Destro said sarcastically.
"After that I never really played much anymore," Cobra Commander admitted. "I mean I was shipped out to Noble Science Academy a few months after that. Not as a punishment. That was just something my guidance counselor recommended. I actually liked that school. By my sophomore year I could pretty much do whatever I wanted in the lab and nobody said a thing. As long as I didn't burn down the school. Or kill too many research subjects."
Cobra Commander played some more music. "And after school I became a scientist. Yada, yada, yada…I ended up running Cobra. There was just never time for music. Unless it was part of a scheme for world domination."
"Well they do say a musical hobby encourages creativity," Destro admitted. "My mother made me learn the piano. And my father forced me to learn the bagpipes. I prefer the piano."
"Smart choice. Did you ever participate in any competitions with your family?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Not musical ones," Destro shrugged. "Let's just say my family were banned from the Highland Games for similar reasons you and your mother were."
"Huh," Cobra Commander paused. "What do you know? We do have something in common. Small world."
"Microscopic," Destro sighed.
Cobra Commander played a familiar tune. "Dragons, dragons flying high. Burning fires in the sky. Let destruction rain down…On those humans' pathetic town…"
Destro blinked. "That's Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."
"No," Cobra Commander corrected. "That's the Dragon Fire Song. Children from Cobra La would sing it every Nightmare's Eve."
"I thought that was written by English poet Jane Taylor?" Destro asked.
"She wrote knock off lyrics to a Cobra La song!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And Mozart copied the tune from those French copycats! The words may be different but the tune is from Cobra La! Another instance of human appropriating our glorious culture and making a mockery of it!"
"You do realize you've been using human technology and living in human culture for over thirty years now?" Destro asked.
"I didn't say it was all bad," Cobra Commander sniffed. "Just the parts they stole from us!"
"All right," Destro sighed. "I might as well ask. What else did humans steal from your civilization."
"Believe it or not, Pente," Cobra Commander remarked. "Right down to the name."
"I thought that was created in 1977?" Destro asked.
"Nope," Cobra Commander shook his head. "Pente also means five in Cobra La. I don't know how it was done, but the humans copied it."
"Fascinating," Destro folded his arms,
"The Colosseum and their games? That was us too!" Cobra Commander added. "And pro wrestling. I mean, of course a lot of the slave fighters faked their deaths in the arena! You couldn't kill all of them all the time! That's just too expensive. And short sighted. Simply put the better ones worked out the choreography in advance. I mean everyone knew it was fake but the stories they wrote were so compelling nobody cared."
Destro asked. "Really? Who was Cobra La's version of Hulk Hogan?"
Cobra Commander told him. "Graaak the Enforcer. He worked his way up from a stable boy to one of the best fighting entertainers Cobra La ever had. And half of his fights were against real vicious beasts and weren't fixed. The people loved him! I had an autographed picture of him when I was young."
"What happened to him?" Destro asked.
"He was a gladiator right up until middle age and refused to retire and train younger gladiators," Cobra Commander asked. "What do you think happened to him? One day his back gave out while fighting a vicious giant pincer insect and WHACK! Sliced right in half. Good funeral though. Even Golobulus shed a tear. And that man was not a crier."
"I see," Destro was truly regretting asking.
Cobra Commander kept talking. "My personal favorite however was Slither Fang. He may not have been the bravest or most muscular fighter, but he was cunning and quick. And he was smart enough to not only buy his freedom and retire, he started a chain of popular cafes. And married Graak's wife."
"He does seem more of a winner," Destro conceded. "Speaking of winning, do you think Zartan can pull this off?"
"All he has to do is show up and let people think that he's Thrasher!" Cobra Commander said. "Or Bruno or whoever the hell he was. How the hell could he screw that up?"
"I don't want to guess," Destro sighed. "I'd rather be surprised."
Meanwhile on the grounds of a sprawling mansion in Beverly Hills…In a very fancy living room.
"Just don't screw this up," The Baroness hissed at Mindbender. She was dressed in a blonde wig, light gold sunglasses, a lovely conservative pink and white dress with matching heels and a pink purse.
"It's not my fault that lawyer wouldn't let Zandar and Zarana in this meeting," Mindbender hissed back. He was wearing a shaggy brown wig, wore sunglasses and was wearing a nice brown suit with brown shoes. "What kind of weirdo doesn't let one's lawyer or secretary attend?"
"That Ambrose fellow is a bit odd," Zartan had a mask on his face that made him look like Thrasher without the green stripes in his hair. He was also wearing a smart blue suit. "But apparently it was in the will the old man wrote. They're scouting the perimeter anyway."
"Just talk as little as possible," The Baroness snapped. "The two of us are supposed to be from Sweden and I don't trust your acting skills."
"I know how to use a Swedish accent," Mindbender snapped. "At least well enough to fool most Americans. Seriously, they wouldn't know a South Swedish from a Norrland!"
"Just shut up and follow my lead," Zartan hissed under his breath when he saw someone approaching.
A thin tweedy man in a plaid suit walked into the room with a young couple. Both were blond and well dressed and had simple happy looks. "Oh Mr. Cross! This is the other Mr. Cross, but you know that don't you? Your cousin…"
"Who I haven't seen in a while," Zartan adopted the voice of Thrasher. "Hello! It's me, Bruno. And my lovely wife Giselle and her brother Hans."
"Hello!" Mindbender said in a Swedish accent. "Good to meet you, ya!"
"Well you know me, Boris!" The man said in a very familiar voice. "And my lovely wife Katherine!"
"Hello!" The blonde twittered. "I'm Katherine Cross. So nice to meet you all. Boris has told me so much about you."
"Not everything apparently," Zartan remarked.
"Can you explain to me again why we couldn't bring our lawyers here, Mr. Ambrose?" The Baroness asked in a Swedish accent to the tweedy man.
"I realize this is unusual," Ambrose said. "But the late Mr. Cross insisted this would be how it was done. Family and best friends only."
"My wife is my best friend," Boris smiled.
"Oh you," Katherine twittered sweetly.
"I'll go wait for the others," Ambrose smiled. "Let you all catch up!"
"Oh yes," Zartan grinned. "We have a lot to talk about."
"So much," The Baroness realized what Zartan meant.
Ambrose left. "Uh so Cousin," Boris said casually. "How are you?"
"I know that voice," Zartan's eyes narrowed. He then rushed towards Boris and shoved him against the wall.
"Hey!" Boris gasped.
"All right," Mindbender grinned. "Now this will reading is getting interesting!"
"Okay Firefly," Zartan growled. "What's your game here?"
"How did you know…?" Firefly did a double take. "Oh right. You recognized my voice."
"So?" Zartan growled. "Spill it!"
"Before we spill your guts!" The Baroness growled.
"Funny story," Firefly admitted. "A long time ago I killed this guy who turned out to have a rich family he was estranged from. So I thought, why not take his identity? I had no idea you were doing the same thing until yesterday! Small world huh?"
"Microscopic," The Baroness snarled. She turned to the woman. "Who are you?"
"I'm not surprised you don't remember me, Baroness," 'Katherine' sneered. "Then again you barely saw anyone past Destro's shiny chrome head!"
"You remember Munitia, don't you?" Firefly asked.
"I don't go by that name anymore," The woman said. "My new code name is Poison."
Mindbender realized. "You were in the Plague Troopers, weren't you?"
"That's right," Poison nodded. "If you recall I worked with Firefly and Black Out on our own elite unit of sabotage and infiltration."
"The HISS Patrol," The Baroness realized. "Now I remember."
"I haven't seen you in years," Mindbender realized. "What happened to you? And where's Black Out?"
"Probably still in jail as far as I know," Poison waved. "During the attack on GI Joe at our base in the desert I escaped. Laid low. Did a few under the table mercenary jobs. Smuggled myself into the US. Changed my identity again and enrolled in a community college. I still do mercenary jobs now and then but most of my money comes from selling real estate and owning a small soda machine business."
Mindbender remarked. "Boy Cobras who go off on their own really have the most interesting lives don't they?"
"Shut up!" The Baroness hissed. "He's coming back. We'll deal with this later, Firefly!"
"I told you they would figure it out!" Poison hissed to Firefly as Zartan let him go.
"Shut up!" Firefly hissed.
Ambrose walked in with two more people. Quickly the others laughed as if they were just happy to see each other. "And that's what she said!" Mindbender said quickly in his Swedish accent.
"Well hello," The Baroness twittered in her Swedish accent. "Who's this?"
"Oh, these are some of your American cousins, I believe," Ambrose pointed to a handsome brown-haired man in casual blue clothes. "Christopher Cross and his wife Christine.
The woman in the blue dress however was undeniably the former Cadet Deming who became the former Commander Deming. "How nice to meet you all."
"Charmed," The Baroness narrowed her eyes.
"I think we may have met before," Firefly said evenly.
Deming and 'Christopher' seemed to share a look. "Yes, I think we've definitely met before," Christopher said cheerfully. "The Arbco Barbecue wasn't it?"
"Something like that," Zartan said charmingly.
"Oh good, you do know each other," Ambrose grinned. "I love bringing families together like this. Even though it took a death to do so."
"There's going to at least one more…" The Baroness hissed under her breath.
"What did you say?" Ambrose looked at her.
The Baroness covered. "I can't wait to see what else is in store. For the will. And meeting relatives."
"I'll leave you to it then," Ambrose said. He left the room.
As soon as he did, The Baroness tackled Deming. "AAAAAHHH!"
'Christopher' sighed. "Hello Firefly. I'm guessing that's the Baroness over there. The way she's going after Deming."
"You guessed correctly," Firefly said. "How do you know who I am?"
"I could tell by your voice," 'Christopher' said.
"Baroness knock it off!" Zartan snapped. "You can kill each other later! We have money to inherit!"
"Not if we inherit it first!" Deming hissed as the two women pulled away from each other.
"You wish!" The Baroness snarled.
"Okay so who's who here?" 'Christopher' asked with a sigh. "I'm guessing we're all either Cobras or former Cobras. Especially since Thrasher is supposed to be dead."
"Zartan," Mindbender pointed in turn. "Mindbender here. That's Poison who used to be Munitia."
"Munitia?" Deming realized. "I haven't seen you in ages!"
"It's Poison now," Poison corrected.
"Why?" Deming asked.
"Autocorrect mostly," Poison admitted. "It was just a hassle to constantly tell the computer it wasn't a spelling mistake when I had to type up my invoices."
"Deming?" The Baroness growled. "What the hell is your bleach blonde ass doing here? Don't tell me you're an actual relative?"
"Oh god no," Deming told her. "Long story short…"
"You killed the person you're impersonating to get money," Zartan interrupted. "We figured that out! But what we don't know is who's with you!"
"It can't be someone from Mongoose Incorporated," The Baroness realized. "You were kicked out. Who is this?"
'Christopher' gave them a look. "I can't believe you don't recognize me. Oh wait, yes I can. It's me. Black Out!"
"Oh my God! I thought you were in jail!" Firefly was stunned.
"Or dead," Poison added.
"Black Out," The Baroness remembered. "AKA Thomas G Stall. Brother to GI Joe members Barrel Roll and Bombstrike. Joined Cobra after the Joes rejected you and took your siblings instead."
"Thank you for pouring salt on that wound!" Black Out snapped. "I escaped jail. No thanks to my jerk of a brother and rotten sister!"
"It's me Firefly," Firefly waved. "And that's Poison who used to be Munitia."
"I know. I just said I recognized the voice," Black Out snapped. "Thanks a lot you two for leaving me behind to get captured!"
"What happened to you?" Poison asked.
"Same old story," Black Out sighed. "After a year in prison I escaped, faked my death. Laid low in the desert in Nevada for about a year. Went to school and became a blackjack dealer at a casino. Had a pretty good career and life for about seven years until this hotshot mob boss tried to muscle in. He killed my boss. I killed him. Went on the lam again and had to kill members of that gang on and off to save my life. Faked my death again. Did some odd jobs and joined a fun sex cult for about a year…"
"Oh, that old story," Zartan waved.
Black Out went on. "Of course, that didn't last when the leader went nuts and burned the place down. I took the identities of a couple people I knew that got killed. Lived their lives one after the other. Including this guy. Most of them had no other families so that was easy. I was an insurance agent. A mattress salesman. A gym teacher at a high school. I was a bouncer at a strip club for a few years. Those were fun times. Then I got a pilot's license and became the captain at this low rent airline for nine years. That was really living. Going all over the world and having fun."
"So you're still a pilot?" The Baroness asked.
"No," Black Out sighed. "About a year ago I realized my sister and my parents were on the same flight. Turns out my brother died in Afghanistan. Or was it Pakistan? Anyway, it was one of the Stans. She left the army…She either became a lawyer or was married to a lawyer. I don't remember. They were coming back from his funeral. Then I realized something. Why the hell was I still mad at my family? That could have been me that got blown up!"
"To be fair," Firefly said. "You almost were a few times."
"I realized I was much better off not being a Joe. So, I decide to be the big man and forgive my sister and made this lovely little speech to my family after I cornered them alone in the cabin," Black Out sigh. "Unfortunately, my family were still a bunch of stuck up, judgmental snitches. Yada, yada, yada…Firefight on the tarmac…I barely escaped and had to fake my death again! I've been doing odd jobs ever since."
"But how are you with her?" Poison pointed to Deming.
"Oh, we've been dating off and on for years," Deming waved.
"I needed a fake wife and I still had her number," Black Out admitted.
"I think everybody had your number," The Baroness glared at Deming.
"Shh! He's coming back!" Mindbender hissed. "Everybody pretend we like each other!"
Ambrose came back with three more people. One of which was extremely familiar to the group. "Here we go! Oh, here's your other relatives. Your cousins Fred and Felicity and Felicity's husband Mark Van Howell.
Two of the people were unfamiliar to the Cobras. But one definitely was. Even though he wasn't in his traditional uniform.
"You have got to be kidding…?" Zartan caught himself. "Fred! It's been ages!"
'Fred' The man with brown hair and wearing a brown suit did a double take. "Thrash…You're…I mean. You look good."
"For a dead guy…" 'Mark' muttered. He was a dark haired muscular man in a gray suit.
"What?" Ambrose asked.
"Good to see you guy!" 'Mark' said quickly.
"Very good to see you," 'Felicity' beamed. She had dark brown hair and was wearing a nice green pantsuit.
"Come on and join the party," The Baroness said cautiously. "Cousins…"
'Fred' did a double take. He narrowed his eyes as he recognized Deming. "Oh honey…It's been too long."
"Not long enough," Deming said cheerfully. "Joking! Ha! Ha!"
"Yeah that's us," Zartan said. "A real barrel of laughs."
"Why don't you just leave us to get better acquainted?" The Baroness asked sweetly to Ambrose.
"Good idea," Ambrose said cheerfully as he left. "There's one more group left to come."
"Oh joy," 'Fred' remarked. Then as he left he glared at the group. "Okay Deming…Baroness…Thrasher's dead so it has to be Zartan wearing a mask impersonating him. And you in bad toupee have to be Mindbender! What are you doing here?"
"Hello…Raptor," Zartan snarled. "How's tricks bird brain?"
"At least I have a brain!" Raptor snarled back. "What the hell are you idiots doing here?"
"The same thing you are!" Zartan snapped. "Collecting the inheritance of a guy you killed!"
"I didn't kill Felicity Cross Van Howell," Raptor snapped back. "Or her brother. That was Infrared over here."
"Who?" Deming looked at the woman.
"We were both in the Crimson Guard together?" Infrared gave her a look. "I got promoted before you? Several times! And I didn't sleep with anyone to get my job either!"
"I thought Infrared was a guy?" Black Out asked.
"That was Infrared I," Infrared told him. "I'm Infrared Two."
"Oh right," Black Out realized. "I remember, he bought it shortly before the desert base was attacked."
"Never should have been in a drinking while knife throwing contest with the Dreadnoks," Zartan admitted.
"I took over as head of Security when that idiot Copperhead got demoted," Infrared told the others. "He vowed revenge if it would be the last thing he ever did. Typical."
"That is not going to happen," The Baroness said honestly.
"Who are you?" Zartan asked the third man.
"I'm Grimm Skull," 'Mark Van Howell' told him. "Remember? I used to be a Sand Viper."
"Oh yes I remember you," The Baroness said. "You poisoned and mutated your own troops to earn that promotion."
"He is now our new head of Advertising," Raptor snarled.
"Fitting," Mindbender remarked.
"What the hell is this?" Deming snapped. "A freaking Cobra reunion?"
"Did this guy have any real relatives?" Firefly asked. "I'm seriously asking!"
"What do you mean by real…?" Grimm Skull blinked. "Firefly?"
"How do you know who I am?" Firefly snapped. "You've never seen my face! This isn't even my face! It's a synthetic mask!"
"I'd know that voice anywhere," Grimm Skull told him. "Your face may be a mystery but your voice isn't."
"Especially after that karaoke incident at that Cobra Christmas party," Infrared remembered. "What year was that? 89?"
"88," Deming told her. "I can still hear your half drunk gravelly voice singing The Little Drummer Boy with you making explosion sounds."
"Followed by actual explosion sounds," The Baroness nodded.
"I was never going to say anything," Mindbender admitted. "But since this is out in the open now…I could always tell who you were the minute you opened your mouth."
"So you're telling me…" Firefly paused. "That all these years of hiding my face…"
"Were a complete waste of time," The Baroness told him.
"You really should have taken vocal acting lessons," Zartan said. "I did."
"I know for a guy who prides on hiding his identity…" Infrared nodded.
"Your voice kind of stands out," Raptor added.
"Even I can change my voice a bit," Mindbender said. Then he changed his accent. "Like this. I am Swedish now. Ya? See?"
"It's not too bad actually," The Baroness said.
"I can even do a Texas accent," Mindbender said.
"No way," Zartan said.
"Prove it," Firefly challenged.
"Okay," Mindbender coughed and then spoke. "Hey, there folks. I'm from Texas. Let's all mosey on down for some decent barbecue. I got a hankering for some ribs!"
Zartan blinked. "That was actually good!"
"Better than I expected," The Baroness was surprised.
"How did you do that?" Firefly asked.
"I watched a lot of imported cowboy movies when I was young," Mindbender admitted. "And honestly I've developed a real taste for barbecue."
"That was pretty impressive," Grimm Skull said.
"What is this?" Raptor snapped. "The Mutual Admiration Society of Idiots? Have you forgotten all these people are our enemies?"
"I haven't," Deming pulled out a gun.
"Neither have I," The Baroness growled as she pulled out a gun.
"Try me," Infrared pulled out her weapon.
"I would like that," Poison did so as well.
"And people say dudes are trigger happy," Grimm Skull groaned.
"Put your weapons down!" Raptor hissed. "Not here! Not now!"
"He's right. Look let's not do anything rash right now," Zartan spoke up. "For all we know we could either all get equal shares or this guy left everything to his cat! Let's just all play happy family until we know exactly what it says in the will."
"And then it will be every group for themselves," Deming added.
"Precisely!" Zartan said. "With the exception of Firefly because you are still part of our group!"
"Rats…" Firefly grumbled.
"What about me?" Poison hissed.
"What about you?" The Baroness challenged.
"Shut up!" Mindbender said to the Baroness. Then he turned to Poison. "We'll pay you."
"We will?" Zartan asked.
"Yes!" Mindbender hissed. "Here comes Ambrose again!"
Ambrose walked in to find them all fake laughing. "Oh good, you're all getting along."
"Of course, we are," Zartan said cheerfully.
"Why wouldn't we?" Raptor added.
"Just one big happy family," Deming grinned.
"Happy, happy, happy," Mindbender said in his Swedish persona. "Ya!"
"This is such a nice change of pace," Ambrose sighed. "Usually at these will readings the family are practically waiting for the opportunity to fight each other to the death for the inheritance."
The Baroness twittered. "How silly."
"Have you ever heard such a thing?" Poison smiled.
"Oh boy…" Grimm Skull rolled his eyes.
"Oh good. Apparently, there is one more relative we tracked down," Ambrose told them. "Your great grandfather had a sister who ran off with a Polish gentleman. They eventually settled down in America. Minnesota, I believe."
"Really?" Zartan asked.
"The family there is sending one of your distant cousins to the will reading as a representative," Ambrose said. "A Mr. David Katzenbogen."
"I know that name," The Baroness realized something. "Where do I know that name?"
Right on cue, Bazooka walked in. "Hi family!" He waved.
"Oh boy…" Zartan realized where this was going.
"Hi! I'm David, but everybody calls me Bazooka," He grinned. "This is my best buddy Alpine!"
"Of course he brought another Joe," Zartan muttered under his breath as Alpine walked in.
"Great," The Baroness hissed in Zartan's ear. "Now a couple of Joes are in this! Things can't get any worse!"
"So these are your cousins?" Alpine asked.
"Yes!" Raptor took the lead. "Hello! I'm Fred Cross. And this is my lovely wife Felicity and her husband Mark Van Howell. We live in California. Just up the coast."
"Hiya cuz!" Bazooka shook his hand then hugged him.
"Oh we have a hugger," Raptor kept his smile on.
"Give these guys a break Bazook," Alpine groaned. "They didn't know you even existed until less than a minute ago."
"I wish," Mindbender grumbled under his breath. When it was clear Bazooka heard him, he covered. "I wish we had known before now. It would have been fun. Ya! Fun! Fun! Fun!"
Zartan said in a cheerful voice. "You must come to the next family reunion! I'm Brutus and this is my lovely wife
Bazooka did a double take at Zartan. "Do I know you?"
"I don't think so…" Zartan then realized he was wearing a mask that looked like Thrasher only without the green streaks. And he was talking like him.
"You do look familiar," Alpine frowned.
"Oh, he gets that all the time," The Baroness twittered. "Seriously, at least once a week somebody thinks my husband is an actor on that soap opera or some other thing. Or a friend of a friend of somebody."
"I just have one of those faces," Zartan shrugged. "And voices."
"This is my brother Hans from Sweden," The Baroness introduced. "And I'm Giselle."
"Ya! Good ya!" Mindbender nodded.
"Hello cousin!" Deming said cheerfully. "I'm Christine and this is my husband Christopher."
"I'm Katherine and this is my husband Boris," Poison spoke up.
"I…" Firefly began.
Poison quickly slapped her hand over Firefly's mouth. "Who has laryngitis. Sorry. He needs to rest his voice a bit."
"Really?" Ambrose blinked. "He seemed fine a minute ago."
"It comes and goes," Poison shrugged. "It's a minor condition. We've seen some doctors. They call it a weak larynx or something. Not important. He'll talk when he's ready. Right honey?"
Firefly nodded. He made a thumbs up.
"Good now that we're all here we can begin the reading of the will," Ambrose motioned everyone to sit while he went to a desk.
"About time," Deming grumbled under her breath.
Ambrose took out the papers. "This is the last will and testament of your grandfather. It reads. I, Brutus Cassius Longevitus Cross the Third being of sound mind and body do hereby announce my wishes of how my estate of over fifty-million dollars…"
"Fifty million?" Zartan almost used his real voice.
"I thought it was only three to five million?" Deming was interested.
"Your grandfather was a very thrifty man," Ambrose explained. "He never believed in showing off his wealth much and invested in many companies and properties. Including this house."
"It's a nice house," The Baroness remarked. "Not a bad place for a base…"
She realized they heard her. "To raise a family," The Baroness said quickly. "A home base to raise a lovely wholesome family."
"Quite," Raptor glared at her.
"But first I must say a few words to my relatives," Ambrose read aloud.
"Of course, he does," Grimm Skull groaned.
"To the majority of my relatives…" Ambrose read. "Those I've actually met…I must say…I have always been extremely and terribly disappointed in all of you."
"I know I should be shocked," Zartan sighed. "But I'm not."
"Honestly from what I've learned the members of the Katzenbogen family are a step up from you," Ambrose went on. "Even the one member that makes erotic art out of cheese."
"That's my Aunt Rose," Bazooka explained. "She's real fun at parties!"
"Boris you've always been a bore," Ambrose read on. "Always talking everyone's ear off about the stupidest things."
"Can't say that now," Poison looked at Firefly. Firefly rolled his eyes.
"Fred, Felicity you two are vapid idiots who wouldn't know an honest day's work if it bit you!" Ambrose read on. "I would be shocked if you Felicity ever got married. He'd probably be as dumb and as boring as you are."
"Well I wouldn't say that," Grimm Skull quipped.
"Well it's not like we're stupid enough to put our finances in the hands of a complete stranger," Infrared said cheerfully. "And then die in a tragic accident at sea the following week."
"That explains that," The Baroness muttered under her breath.
"Christopher the less said about you the better," Ambrose read on. "Last I heard you joined some weird stupid sex cult that burned to the ground. I was sure you wouldn't have survived that!"
"To be fair that was even money," Black Out quipped.
"Brutus if you're still alive by the time I'm dead I will be very surprised," Ambrose read. "You were the dumbest most arrogant of the lot. Honestly I'm amazed that nobody's shot you by now and left your corpse to rot in a swamp by now."
"He, he, he…" Zartan chuckled nervously. The other Cobras and former Cobras gave him a look which the Joes missed.
"Have to admit," Raptor remarked. "The old coot was more perceptive than I thought."
"No contest there," Black Out agreed.
"Since I have very little confidence in the family I know," Ambrose read on. "And know very little about the family I don't…There is only one fair way to settle this. A game where the team that wins gets the entire fortune."
"Of course, there's a game," Zartan sighed. "Never a straightforward yes or no with rich old lunatics. There's always a game!"
"Excuse me," Grimm Skull held up his hand. "Is this going to be one of those things where we all shoot at each other and the last team alive gets the inheritance?"
"Oh god no!" Ambrose gasped. "No, that will not happen."
"Shame," Firefly grumbled under his breath.
"No one is going to die," Ambrose went on.
"Don't be so sure of that," Zartan quipped.
"Instead," Ambrose took out some papers. "You will all play a scavenger hunt game!"
"A what now?" Deming did a double take.
"Oh boy!" Bazooka cheered. "This is going to be fun!"
"Oh, this just got worse," Zartan groaned.