That Night In Montana
"Welcome to Rancho De La Deming," Deming announced to the group as they exited the spaceship in front of a huge luxurious three-story house. "Thirty-nine thousand square feet of privacy in the middle of Montana. The nearest neighbors are over a hundred miles away and are more interested in birdwatching than visiting."
Deming realized something. "But just to be safe we should put the spaceship in that barn over there." She pointed.
"Good idea," Zartan realized. "Never can be too careful. Now that half the world is out for our blood."
"How did you afford this?" The Baroness was stunned.
"Oh, I bought this property recently using funds from Mongoose Incorporated," Deming explained. "That's how I got kicked out a second time. They discovered I was embezzling funds."
"I was wondering about that," Destro realized.
"Fortunately they didn't know exactly how much I stole and what I did with the money," Deming admitted. "I have secret caches stashed all over the world and in various bank accounts."
"How much you want to bet the Crimson Twits over here contributed to that?" Zarana snickered.
The Twins glared at Zarana. Then Deming. "Is that…" Xamot began.
"True?" Tomax finished.
"Let's just say I know how to invest my money better than you!" Deming challenged.
"You mean their money?" Zartan couldn't resist twisting the knife.
"I don't know about this…" The Baroness growled. "If this is some kind of trap."
"Yes Baroness," Deming rolled her eyes. "I specifically let myself get involved in the Scavenger Hunt from Hell, almost getting arrested by GI Joe, almost getting killed by wild ostriches and falling toilets and once again being put on Mongoose Incorporated's hit list all in a master plot to have you leech off me!"
"It does sound a little far fetched when she puts it like that," Torch looked at the Baroness.
"It's dark out now," Zartan sighed. "We could use a halfway decent place to stay the night."
"This is your idea of halfway decent?" Poison asked.
"Big talk from a man whose home is in a swamp," Firefly agreed.
"There's seven bedrooms and six full bathrooms," Deming said. "With three half bathrooms."
"That's not enough for all of us," Monkeywrench frowned.
"You Dreadnoks can sleep in the barn!" The Baroness snapped. "I suspect you'll be more at home there."
"There's also a fully stocked wine cellar," Deming told them. "And a full bar."
"I'm sold," Cobra Commander said.
"Shock," The Baroness said dryly. "Other than satisfying the Commander's alcoholism, what good will it do for us to trust Deming?"
"I think lying low for a few days is not the worst idea we could have," Destro pointed out. "We'll take a few days to rest and decide our strategy."
"Right," Crystal Ball rolled his eyes. "Because this whole running around the world randomly doing stupid things has worked so well for us!"
"We have a strategy," Cobra Commander told him. "Do whatever it takes to take down Mongoose Incorporated. Then do whatever it takes to destroy GI Joe and take over the world!"
"Right now, the only strategy I have is to take a shower," Zarana spoke up. "Get something to eat and sleep."
"Hear, hear…" Destro nodded.
"Actually, Destro after dinner I think we need to have a talk," The Baroness glared at him.
"Can't it wait until morning?" Destro groaned. "I've had a trying day."
"YOU HAD A TRYING DAY?" The Baroness shouted. "I'm sorry, were you almost squashed by a toilet?"
"I don't want to have a fight over this," Destro pleaded.
"We're not having a fight," The Baroness told him. "We're having a discussion."
"Oh good," Destro drawled. "A discussion. Can we at least put it off until after dinner?"
"Agreed," The Baroness paused. "I need a shower." She stormed into the house.
"I need a new girlfriend," Destro grumbled under his breath.
"I HEARD THAT!" The Baroness shouted.
"I'd better go in," Destro sighed as he walked after her.
"What do you think they're going to talk about?" Tiffany asked.
"Ugh it's probably another one of their infamous where is this relationship going talks," Cobra Commander groaned. "Pass!"
"I'd rather listen to cats being strangled," Zartan agreed.
"Why is Destro still with her?" Deming asked.
"We have no idea," Zandar groaned.
Just then Blood Wing sauntered out in his human form. "Are we here already?"
Cobra Commander looked and realized it was dark out. "Oh right…Yeah Blood Wing we're here. Welcome to Montana."
"Who is this charming man?" Deming's eyes lit up. "And why haven't I seen him before?"
"I was taking a nap in the back," Blood Wing explained. "Cobra Commander who is this charming lady?"
"I'm assuming you're talking about Deming," Cobra Commander sighed. "Blood Wing this is former Cadet Deming now Captain Deming. She's been on and off with Cobra for a while."
"She's been on and off with half of Cobra for a while," Zarana scoffed.
"That's not fair," Mindbender frowned. "She's never been with Cobra Commander, Destro, Zartan, Zandar, Firefly or me. Or any of the Dreadnoks."
"Guess even she has standards," Poison admitted.
"Ignazio Tlaiques De La Solumbra," Blood Wing kissed Deming's hand. "But I am known as Blood Wing."
"I'm Poison," Poison waved. "Not that I care. Just thought I'd let you know."
"How about we get to know each other better?" Blood Wing smoldered. "With some nice wine and looking out at the stars?"
"I think that would be a fabulous idea," Deming batted her eyes and allowed Blood Wing to escort her into the house.
"Can you believe that?" The Crimson Twins looked at each other.
"That the two of you were thrown over like yesterday's leftovers? Yes," Firefly chuckled.
"Are you going to tell her?" Crystal Ball asked.
"No," Cobra Commander shook his head. "Let her find out on her own. She may be a good host but I trust her as much as I'd trust a man-eating shark around dinnertime."
"A very apt analogy," Zandar remarked.
"This should be fun," Zarana remarked.
"What? Why?" Poison asked. "What's wrong with him?"
"You tell her," The Twins said as one as they stomped off.
"What's going on?" Poison asked.
"The Crimson Twits are mad that their sometime squeeze is about to become a turkey vampire's Thanksgiving," Zarana explained.
"He's a vampire?" Poison was stunned.
"That turns into a turkey when hit by sunlight," Zartan explained.
"A turkey vampire," Poison blinked. "That's a thing?"
"Apparently," Firefly sighed.
"It's weird," Tiffany shrugged. "We know."
"And knowing is a good reason not to date your co-workers," Poison remarked.
Later that evening, Cobra Commander and a group of Cobras had retired to the bar. "That was actually a halfway decent meal," Cobra Commander remarked. "Considering the majority of it was frozen."
"It actually tasted like real food and not cardboard," Zarana agreed as she sipped some scotch. "Okay. I know Destro and the Baroness are off having one of their infamous relationship arguments. And I can figure out where Deming and Blood Wing have gone…"
"And what they're doing," Zartan added.
"But where did the Twin Twits go?" Zarana finished asking.
"They said they were tired," Firefly remarked as he slightly lifted up his mask to take a sip of scotch.
"Which is code for them to go into their room and sulk all night," Cobra Commander added. "Not that I'm complaining, but where did the Dreadnoks run off to?"
"I don't know," Zartan sighed. "And I don't want to know!"
"I do appreciate the lack of stench," Mindbender added.
"Speaking of which," Zandar pulled out a box. "Look what I managed to find. Some lovely edible gummies with a little extra inside."
"Give me!" Cobra Commander ordered.
"I'm in," Mindbender agreed.
"Ditto," Zarana and Zartan said as one.
"This is one of the few times I hate being a ghost," Crystal Ball sighed. He was up on the bar.
"Sucks to be you," Cobra Commander took some.
"I thought Cobra was against drugs?" Poison asked as she took one.
"Please," Cobra Commander opened up the hole in his mask to pop one in. "That ship sailed so long ago, its been to three other ports by now!"
"I think I'll just stick with the scotch," Firefly remarked. "I think one of us needs to be at least semi-sober."
"Good plan," Zartan said as he popped one into his mouth. Then he raised a glass. "To surviving our latest failed scheme."
"I'll drink to that," Mindbender agreed. They all took a drink.
"It wasn't that bad," Cobra Commander waved.
"For you!" Zartan snapped. "You weren't on the ground dodging ostriches, Joes, blaster fire and falling toilets!"
"Man, Cobra has a lot of weird battles, don't we?" Firefly remarked.
"You should have been with us on our interdimensional trip," Zandar groaned. "That was even weirder."
"Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you never joined Cobra?" Mindbender paused.
"Every frickin' day of my life," Zarana grumbled as she took a drink.
"My life would have been so much better if I never volunteered for this gig to take over the world," Cobra Commander sighed. "I mean I'd still be disfigured with more eyes than a potato. But I would still be a rich noble. And in the science caste. If I'd stayed I'd probably have tenure at Cobra La's university by now."
"So, it's not just me?" Mindbender asked.
"No," Zartan said.
"No," Firefly added.
"Nope," Crystal Ball said. "I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have ended up as a ghost in a stupid crystal ball. I've checked a lot of other realities. Some of my other lives made it in the entertainment industry."
"Really?" Cobra Commander remarked. "I could see that happening."
"In one reality we're both on the Home Shopping Network," Crystal Ball said. "We're some of the most popular hosts they've ever had."
"Wow! That's impressive!" Cobra Commander remarked.
"Destro runs a used car lot in that very same reality," Crystal Ball added.
"I can see that happening too," Zartan remarked.
"He's also married to The Baroness in that reality," Crystal Ball added. "She helps run the car lot."
"FOR GOD'S SAKE WOMAN!" Destro's muffled screaming was heard through the mansion. "I'M NOT EVEN INTERESTED IN DEMING! I LIKE TO THINK I HAVE BETTER TASTE THAN THAT!"
"PLEASE!" The Baroness was heard next. "YOU ONCE DATED ZARANA!"
"BRIEFLY!" Destro shouted back. "AND IT'S NOT LIKE WE SLEPT TOGETHER! I WAS STILL GETTING OVER MY FLU!"
"MORE LIKE GETTING OVER YOUR LITTLE VISIT WITH HELGA AND HER STURDY HIPS! FIREFLY TOLD ME EVERYTHING!" The Baroness shouted.
"WHY ARE YOU SO MAD? WE WERE ON A BREAK! OWWWWW!"
Crystal Ball remarked. "It's not a happy marriage. They're close to a divorce."
"I think we figured that one out ourselves," Zartan winced at the sound of breaking objects upstairs.
"Okay I just have to know," Cobra Commander asked. "Is anyone else interested in anyone else around here? Because I'm getting sick and tired of the same idiots dating each other!"
"The turkey vampire seducing Deming the Ditz isn't enough for you?" Zarana asked.
"It's amusing I admit," Cobra Commander shrugged. "But I could look at a different ship for a change if you get my drift."
"Don't look at me," Poison waved. "I only like chicks."
"That's why you're not interested in me," Mindbender realized.
"Yeah, that's the reason!" Cobra Commander scoffed. "Zarana?"
"There is no way in hell I am dating or ever will date anyone in this group!" Zarana said. "No offense."
"None taken," Mindbender shrugged.
"We're more than self-aware about this," Cobra Commander nodded. "Now that I think about it, it's a sound strategy."
"Takes a lot off of my mind actually," Zartan admitted.
"And she's obviously straight so…" Poison shrugged.
"What do you mean by obviously?" Zarana asked her. "I mean I am but how do you know?"
"I've got pretty good gay-dar," Poison told her. "Plus, I know you dated Mainframe that Joe."
"What does that have to do with it?" Zarana asked.
"It means not only did you not go after the three hot female GI Joe members," Poison pointed out. "You didn't try to seduce any other male ones except the divorced soccer dad of the group. No offense, but that just screams some unfulfilled suburban fantasy."
"What?" Zarana snapped.
"Here we go," Zandar groaned. "I knew it!"
"You still think about him, don't you?" Zartan was stunned.
"That doesn't mean I'm going to run out and marry him!" Zarana snapped. "I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed. Besides you're one to talk! We all remember Sharon! You had a kid with her and then went ballistic when she ran off with Thrasher!"
"You have a kid too?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Yeah, a girl," Zartan admitted. "That's one of the reasons why I didn't kill Sharon for running off with him. Of course, the fact when I caught up to them she was beating the hell out of him didn't hurt either."
"She broke Thrasher's leg," Zandar snickered.
"Obviously the bloom of romance had faded," Zartan shrugged. "She was more upset that she didn't get to kill Thrasher. We argued and went our separate ways. Don't know where she is."
"I do," Zarana said. "I've been sending her support checks for the kid every month."
"Seriously?" Zartan was stunned.
"She's my niece," Zarana snapped. "And our family sticks together. Okay usually only when it's convenient for us. But you get the picture."
"I hear you," Poison nodded. "Me and Firefly feel the same way."
"What do you mean?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Firefly and I are cousins," Poison said. "Our fathers are brothers."
"WHAT?" The others gasped.
Poison looked at Firefly. "You never told them that?"
"I never tell anyone anything about myself!" Firefly snapped. "You know that! It's part of my thing of never being seen or remembered!"
"I think that ship sailed," Crystal Ball quipped. "Right on the SS. John."
"Nobody who was at that battle will ever forget it," Poison admitted.
"We've never even seen your real face," Zandar realized.
"HELLO?!" Firefly shouted. "Have you forgotten who I am? Oh, that's right. THAT'S MY THING! MY THING IS FOR PEOPLE TO NOT KNOW WHO I AM!"
"Yeah but…" Poison paused.
"What?" Firefly snapped.
"Look we get the whole man of mystery angle," Zandar said. "It's especially helpful when hiding from the authorities. On the other hand…"
"We've known you for over thirty freaking years and we've never seen your bloody face!" Zarana added. "It's a little weird."
"It's not weird!" Firefly snapped.
"Yeah it kind of is," Mindbender remarked.
"I am a man that nobody is supposed to know!" Firefly snapped.
"I'm your freaking cousin and I haven't seen your face since we were twelve," Poison pointed out. "And even then, you had this habit of wearing masks all the time. Even to school. My mom said you would grow out of it. HA! Wrong again Mom!"
"I'm guessing he was a very odd little boy, wasn't he?" Crystal Ball asked.
"Oh yeah," Poison nodded. "The only people who would hang out with him was me, my sisters, his brother and those other two weird kids down the street."
"Don't tell them I have other relatives!" Firefly snapped.
"Why not?" Poison snapped. "What are they going to do? Huh? What are they going to do?"
"Yeah, we're really not that interested enough to track them down," Cobra Commander admitted.
"You know there was a time when he never even wanted to hurt a squirrel, let alone a person," Poison went on.
"You leave the squirrels out of this!" Firefly snapped.
"Now that I think about it," Zartan realized. "I don't think I've ever seen you shoot a squirrel."
"Oh man you still have a thing for them, don't you?" Poison asked.
"Listen! In the first place, squirrels are highly intelligent creatures that will be around long after mankind has bombed itself into oblivion!" Firefly snapped. "Honestly more people deserve to die than squirrels."
"You never owned a birdfeeder have you, Firefly?" Crystal Ball asked.
"All I'm saying is that we're your co-workers and we have no idea what you look like!" Zandar told Firefly. "I mean we've seen Destro's face…"
"We've even seen Cobra Commander's a few times!" Zartan pointed out.
"Yeah I've shown you all what I look like!" Cobra Commander realized. "Why can't you?"
"I was waiting for the right time," Firefly shrugged.
"It's been over thirty years!" Cobra Commander snapped. "It's time!"
"Oh, what the hell?" Firefly groaned. "Only because I really want a drink without baclava flavor."
He took off his mask. He had short blond wavy hair and a stylish face. "There! Firefly has taken off his mask! The mystery is solved! Satisfied?"
"That's what you look like?" Cobra Commander blinked. "Huh. I was expecting at least a scar or something."
"Kind of a letdown," Mindbender blinked.
"What?" Firefly asked.
"Don't get us wrong," Zarana said. "It's a nice face. It's just…So…"
"Unremarkable," Mindbender added.
"Honesty if you didn't say a word," Zartan remarked. "I wouldn't be able to pick you out of a lineup of one."
"So, all these years it's been my voice that's my defining characteristic all along?" Firefly asked. "I wish you guys told me this years ago!"
"You never asked," Zartan shrugged as he took a drink.
"Damn," Firefly groaned. "Ah screw it!" He grabbed an edible.
"That's getting into the spirit of things," Crystal Ball quipped. "I should know!"
"You know something?" Cobra Commander mused. "I never thought this was possible or I'd actually say this without being tortured…But we've become quite the little family, haven't we? Oh yes, we say things and try to betray and shoot each other. But what family doesn't have their little quarrels? We've been together so long I've gotten accustomed to you all. So, what if we're not related by blood? We've bonded by sharing experiences and adventures that would break lesser people! We have been through it all. The highs and the lows…"
"What day was the high?" Zartan asked.
"I think somebody is pretty high," Crystal Ball quipped.
"I'm serious!" Cobra Commander said. "We have been through so much together, how can you not say we're a family?" He patted Mindbender on the back. "I actually appreciate you Mindbender. I appreciate all of you!"
Cobra Commander paused. "Man, I'm wasted."
"We figured," Zarana snickered. "Whoo! These things have a kick don't they?"
"We're a family all right," Firefly snorted. "Like the Mob is a family!"
"Those people look down on us," Zandar told him.
Cobra Commander started to snicker. "I'm the Daddy. Destro is the Mommy."
"The Baroness is the bitchy in-law nobody likes," Zartan started to laugh.
"Most of you are my kids," Cobra Commander was a bit tipsy. "Except for you Mindbender."
"What am I?" Mindbender asked.
"You're that weird uncle that creeps everybody out," Zarana told him.
Mindbender shrugged. "That sounds about right."
"What am I?" Crystal Ball asked. "The family dog?"
"No," Zartan started to laugh. "Torch is the family dog!"
The Cobras laughed like crazy. "All the Dreadnoks are family dogs!" Cobra Commander chuckled. "Except for Tiffany. She's the daughter I never had. Or wanted."
"You…" Zarana pointed to Crystal Ball. "I don't know. You're like a talking goldfish like in that dumb bloody cartoon."
"Oh my God, I am," Crystal Ball groaned.
Poison spoke up. "I feel like I'm the clueless in-law that just married into this family of lunatics."
The others laughed. "You are!" Firefly snickered. "You so are!"
Poison snickered. "Boy do I feel dumb."
"Hey," Zartan pointed out. "At least you're not having sex with a bloody bird! Ha!"
"Or dating Destro!" Zarana added.
"You dated Destro!" Zandar said.
"Oh right," Zarana realized as she slapped her head. "D'oh!"
The Cobras started laughing wildly. "And now the edibles are really kicking in," Crystal Ball quipped.
"Man, this is a good buzz," Firefly chuckled. "I'm hungry. Are you guys hungry?"
"I could eat," Mindbender remarked. "I could eat."
"You know what I've never had?" Cobra Commander realized. "A S'more."
"You're kidding?" Zarana asked.
"No, I'm not," Cobra Commander said. "I've never had one. I know what they are but I never had one. I think the stickiness would have interfered with my helmet or something. I don't believe it. I've had countless armies. Countless riches. A spaceship. The world in my grasp. But I've never had a S'more."
"Don't feel bad Commander," Mindbender patted him on the back. "Neither have I."
"S'more…" Zarana snickered. "That's a bloody funny word. "Smmmmmooooorrreee!"
"I could go for a S'more," Zartan realized.
"Why do they call it a S'more?" Mindbender asked.
"Smmmmooooooorrreeeee!" Zarana laughed.
"I know this one!" Firefly raised his hand. "I know this one! It's a contraction. A contraction is a shortening of a group of words. Some. And More. Squish 'em together…"
"Smmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmoooooooorreee!" Zarana giggled.
"They call it that because you always want some and more of it," Firefly said proudly.
"Smoooooooooooooooooooorrreee!" Poison said.
"I want some!" Mindbender spoke up.
"And I want more!" Cobra Commander added.
"Smmmmmmmooooooorrree!" Zarana and Poison said as one.
"Man are we baked," Zartan shook his head. "Oh! Baked! I know how to bake S'mores! Come on! To the kitchen!"
"To the kitchen!" Cobra Commander cried out as he picked up Crystal Ball.
"Oh, this is going to be a fun night," Crystal Ball rolled his eyes.
Let's skip ahead to morning, shall we?
Dawn came as it always does. And sometimes it comes with some very shocking truths.
And no one was more shocked than Deming when she woke up in her large sprawling bed and snuggled next to the figure she spent the night with. Only to feel feathers. Lots of feathers.
"What the…?" Deming opened her eyes. She could see the sunlight beaming into the room through the open windows. And something else.
"Ready for more, mi Amor?" A turkey purred as he looked into her eyes.
"AAAAHHHH!" Deming screamed in terror. She pulled away rapidly wrapping the sheets around her.
"What?" Blood Wing asked. He had changed back into turkey form. "Oh, damn it. Is it morning already?"
"What the hell?" Deming screamed as she got out of bed and threw a robe on her. "Is this some kind of sick joke, Baroness?"
"Calm down my dear," Blood Wing told her as he stood up. "I can explain!"
"You can talk?" Deming was shocked.
"Darling! It's me!" Blood Wing told her. "Blood Wing! Recognize my voice? It's me!"
Deming's jaw dropped. "What in the….?"
"Yeah," Blood Wing coughed and ran a wing over his scalp. "I probably should have told you this, should I?"
"AAAAAHHH!" Deming screamed as she started throwing objects at Blood Wing. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"
"Okay! I see you're a little upset…" Blood Wing gulped as he dodged the objects.
"A LITTLE?" Deming screamed. "I SLEPT WITH A BIRD? AN ACTUAL BIRD?"
"ONLY DURING THE DAY!" Blood Wing snapped as he flew out of her reach. "I'm human at night! Well technically I'm a vampire so…"
"AAAAAHHH!" Deming went to a nearby bookshelf and stared throwing books at Blood Wing.
"Try to think of it as a reverse Ladyhawke thing," Blood Wing told her as he dodged some books. "Did you ever see that movie? Great movie!"
"AAAAAHHHH!"
THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! CRASH! SMASH!
"Ugh…" The Baroness came out of her room fully dressed. "What is going on?"
Destro came out of another room across the hall fully dressed. "It sounds someone screaming and throwing books."
SMASH!
"And destroying other objects," Destro added.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" The Baroness snapped. "Wait, what are you doing in that room?"
"You passed out from exhaustion during the second lecture," Destro told her. "I decided the prudent thing to do is let you sleep it off. And then I went to get some sleep in the room down the hall."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
"You let me just fall asleep?" The Baroness snapped.
"What was I supposed to do?" Destro snapped. "Wake you up with a cattle prod? I was being a gentleman about this!"
"You were saving your own skin!" The Baroness pointed out. "We need to talk about that!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! DIE! DIE! DIE!"
SMASH! CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!
"No, we don't!" Destro snapped. "I'm done putting up with your irrational behavior!"
"And I'm done having to deal with your immense ego!" The Baroness snapped. "I don't know why I thought this would work out!"
CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!
"A lapse of judgement I am willing to rectify!" Destro growled.
"Agreed!" The Baroness snapped. "We are through!"
"Completely!" Destro told her. "And there is no going back this time! I know I've said that the last three times we broke up, but this time I mean it!"
"So do I!" The Baroness got in his face.
SMASH! CRASH! BASH!
"Oh, it's such a relief to know that I am completely and totally finished with you!" The Baroness shouted at Destro.
"You're relieved?" Destro shouted back. "I'm ecstatic! Over the moon! Filled to the brim with joy!"
"I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders!" The Baroness shouted back. "A two-hundred-pound metal plated weight!"
"169!" Destro snapped. "Ish!"
CRASH! SMASH! SMASH!
"My life is moving forward without you!" The Baroness pointed.
"I am so happy to hear that!" Destro barked. "Have a great trip! I will be enjoying myself for a change! Free do to whatever and whomever I like without your nagging!"
"And I no longer care who or what you do!" The Baroness shouted. "You can screw Deming's brains out for all I care! What there is of them."
"Yeah like I'm going to touch that pile of leftovers without a ten-foot pole and a shot with the cure for Hepatitis C!" Destro snapped.
"So, it's agreed then?" The Baroness snapped. "Our relationship is over!"
"Completely finished! Past tense!" Destro snarled. "From now on we are only co-workers! And that's all!"
"Fine!" The Baroness snapped.
"Fine!" Destro snapped in response.
That's when the two of them passionately kissed each other.
Destro pulled away. "We…have a problem."
"Yeah," The Baroness groaned. "A big one."
"AAAAHHH!" Deming stormed out of her room.
"Speaking of problems," The Baroness rolled her eyes as they pulled away. "Is there a reason you're shrieking like the harpy you are?"
"He…He…" Deming was near hysterics. "Blood Wing…He…"
"You slept with him without realizing he's a vampire that turns into a turkey when sunlight touches him," Destro sighed.
"YOU KNEW?" Deming screamed.
"Pretty much almost everyone did," Destro said. He turned to the Baroness. "Seriously, you thought I would sleep with her?"
"I SLEPT WITH A TURKEY!" Deming screamed.
"Oh, like that's never happened before," The Baroness quipped. "Hang on. Do you smell smoke?"
"Uh…." Destro realized smoke was coming from downstairs. "This could be problematic."
It wasn't long before Destro, The Baroness, Deming and Blood Wing were outside watching the entire house fully ablaze. "Well this is annoying," Blood Wing clucked. "I suppose we have to go out for breakfast."
"You could always drink Deming," The Baroness pointe to Deming who was still in her bathrobe.
"That would be rude," Blood Wing said. "Despite her treatment of me."
"We could always stop at one of those fast food places that serve breakfast," The Baroness shrugged. "I could go for an egg sandwich."
"So, could I," Destro nodded. "I could go for an Egg McMuffin."
"I'll settle for some coffee and some hash brown patties," Blood Wing told them.
"Vampires can eat human food?" The Baroness asked.
"Some can," Blood Wing admitted. "My species has adapted so we can have food instead of blood for a short period. Okay usually it's corn or some kind of seed…"
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" Deming shouted. "MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE! AND I SLEPT WITH A BIRD! AND ALL YOU CAN TALK ABOUT IS BREAKFAST?"
"How long are you going to go on about that?" Destro asked. "The sleeping with Blood Wing thing I mean."
"Again, this can't be…" The Baroness began.
"Whazz goin' on?" Torch yawned as the Dreadnoks came out of the barn. Torch and Monkeywrench were only wearing their boxers while carrying some pants. Tiffany only had a shirt on that barely covered the lower half of her body.
"What did you do?" Ripper asked Torch. He and Buzzer were fully clothed.
"Wasn't us," Tiffany said. "I mean I know we got a little tipsy but…"
"Oh, dear God they had an orgy…" Destro winced.
"Technically it was only a threesome," Torch admitted as he put on his pants.
"Yeah Ripper and I took off to shoot stuff and shoot the breeze when they started going at it," Buzzer admitted.
"Didn't want to be in the room where that happened!" Ripper agreed.
"CAN WE FOCUS ON THE FIRE THAT IS DESTROYING MY HOUSE?" Deming screamed.
"How did that start?" The Baroness asked.
"Wasn't us," Torch shrugged. "For once."
"Well then how…?" Destro began. "Where are the others? Where's Cobra Commander?"
"Hey guys," Cobra Commander walked over to them with some S'mores in his hand. "We made S'mores!"
"Don't worry!" Mindbender walked over with more. "We saved some more! S'more!"
"Smoooooooooores!" Zarana and Poison called out. They were being led by the Crimson Twins. The others from the party were behind them laughing. Zartan was carrying Crystal Ball.
"I believe we have…" Xamot began.
"Discovered the cause of the fire," Tomax added.
"What happened?" The Baroness asked.
"I guess it was too much to hope they'd be killed in the blaze," Destro sighed.
"We didn't intentionally save them," Tomax admitted.
"They just followed us out," Xamot sighed.
"Cobra Commander and company discovered Deming's delights," Crystal Ball explained. "I.E. A whole box full of pot fused edibles."
"Which are now gone," Cobra Commander said. "Like most of the S'mores."
"After getting stoned they got the munchies and got a little careless and well…" Tomax looked at the fire.
"Sorry," Zartan snickered. "Our bad."
"YOU BURNED DOWN MY HOUSE?" Deming screamed.
"This is why you never cook while stoned," Destro explained.
"Now we know," Torch said cheerfully.
"And knowing…" Destro paused. "What the hell am I doing? Let's get the cast of Cheech and Chong's last movie into the spaceship and get the hell out of here!"
"Oh good," Blood Wing said as they all went to the barn. "We can go get McDonald's for breakfast."
"I love a good Egg McMuffin," Mindbender said.
"You burned down my house!" Deming shouted.
"We can see that Deming!" The Baroness snapped. "No need to state the obvious!"
"You really thought I would sleep with her?" Destro asked The Baroness.
"Well she slept with the Crimson Twins and a vampire turkey," The Baroness shrugged. "I figured she'd sleep with anybody."
"EXCUSE ME?!" Deming shouted. She looked at the Twins. "Are you going to let her talk to me like that?"
"In a word," Tomax said.
"YES!" Xamot added.
After a quick flight and an even quicker raid at the nearest McDonalds… Well maybe quick isn't the exact word…
"Who hoo!" A fully dressed Torch was carrying out several familiar boxes. "I got tons of Happy Meals! And toys!"
"Hmmm…" Zartan walked out finishing an egg sandwich. "Nothing like an Egg McMuffin to help even you out."
"Oh yeah this really helps," Deming grumbled. "My home burned down and I'm wearing nothing but my bathrobe and slippers!"
"God what do the Twins see in you?" Firefly asked. "Hang on, is everyone out yet?"
"Not yet," Zartan motioned to the ones lagging behind. "Come on!"
Soon the Cobras were on the spaceship. Firefly was the last to board. He pushed a small button on a small device. "Boom!"
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"And we blew up a McDonald's," Destro sighed as the Crimson Twins took the spaceship into the air.
"We let the servers go out the back," Zartan rolled his eyes. "Not like anyone was left inside."
"Sure," Deming slumped into a chair. "Why not burn down another building?"
"It has become one of our trademarks," Zandar admitted.
"So, what happened between you two?" Cobra Commander asked Destro and the Baroness. "As if I have to ask."
"Did you break up or what?" Zartan asked.
"I think," Destro groaned. "Maybe?"
"Maybe?" Cobra Commander and Zartan asked.
"The end of our fight and breakup got…" The Baroness paused. "A little weird."
"I think we're on a semi-break," Destro admitted.
"I don't even want to know what that is," Cobra Commander sighed. "Just like I don't want to know what happened with the Dreadnoks."
"Not all of us…" Buzzer began.
"I SAID I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And not knowing will help me sleep at night."
"Looks like everybody had a good time but you two," Crystal Ball remarked to Destro and The Baroness.
"I SLEPT WITH A TURKEY! AAAHHHH!" Deming screamed.
"I don't know," The Baroness paused. "Deming's predicament is quite amusing to me."
"YOU BURNED DOWN MY HOUSE!" Deming screamed at the others.
"So? You stole the money to pay for it," Zartan pointed out.
"Easy come, easy go…" Torch shrugged.
She glared at Blood Wing who was still in his turkey form. "Let me guess, your species is known for bad luck isn't it?"
"Hey, this didn't come from me," Blood Wing pointed at her with his feathers. "Your lack of good fortune is all from Cobra."
"And some from Karma," The Baroness smirked. Then she noticed something. "Oh look. Something new is on the news feed."
"We have a news feed?" Torch blinked.
An image of a huge forest fire was shown. "And we started a huge wildfire," Destro sighed. "This is starting to get predictable."
"This was a mistake coming back to Cobra wasn't it?" Poison groaned.
"Mistake would imply we had a choice," Firefly groaned. "Now you know why I didn't want to show my face all these years."
Poison added. "And knowing is a good reason to look up the Witness Protection Program!"