The Trident of Cloacina
"I can't believe we're being summoned to the Avengers Mansion," Lady Jaye whistled at the sight of the imposing mansion.
General Hawk looked at his group. Duke, Lady Jaye, Roadblock (who was able to walk now with crutches but his leg was still in a cast.), Shipwreck and Alpine. "Obviously they need us for something big. It's a great honor so don't mess this up."
"Looking at you Shipwreck," Roadblock remarked. "Just try to keep your ego in check!"
"Hey! I will be the perfect guest," Shipwreck protested.
"You are a perfect pain," Roadblock told him. "General why did we bring him? The man is insane!"
"Because everyone else is cleaning up the latest mess back at the Pit," General Hawk moaned.
"Which I had nothing to do with!" Shipwreck said proudly.
"You didn't do anything!" Alpine snapped. "Oh wait, for you that is a step up!"
General Hawk sighed. "They specifically told me to bring the Joes with the most experience fighting Cobra. Since Flint and Scarlett are keeping an eye running the base while everyone else is either cleaning up or stuck in the infirmary after the latest TV terror from Quick Kick and Short Fuse."
"And Beach Head is having a nervous breakdown…" Shipwreck added. "Again…"
"Just try to be normal," General Hawk sighed. "Or as close an approximation to it as some of you can get."
Soon the Joes were in the war room meeting the Avengers. "General Hawk, good to see you again," Captain America nodded. "You know Iron Man, Black Widow and Hawkeye."
"Mostly by reputation," General Hawk admitted. "These are some of my Joes. Duke my second in Command. Lady Jaye. Roadblock. Shipwreck and Alpine."
"Shipwreck?" Iron Man did a double take. "Didn't I have drinks with you in that bar in Tangiers six years ago?"
"Yup and we totally wrecked the joint," Shipwreck grinned.
"That's not a figure of speech is it?" Duke sighed.
"No, it is not," Shipwreck said proudly.
"So, you're the infamous Shipwreck?" Black Widow raised an eyebrow.
"You've heard of me?" Shipwreck asked.
"Everyone knows about you!" Roadblock snapped. "You're a drunken one man wrecking crew!"
"Well that and there was this incident in a bar in New Orleans," Hawkeye added.
"I thought I recognized you two!" Shipwreck realized.
"Yeah, we never thanked you for the assist," Hawkeye remarked.
"What assist?" Duke asked.
"We were being chased by some mob goons and we ran into a bar to hide out," Hawkeye explained. "Shipwreck bought us some drinks. And when he figured out we were being followed started a fight with one of the goons as a distraction so we could get away."
"Considering I knocked most of them out little wonder," Shipwreck waved. "For mob guys they were lightweights."
"I have a feeling you didn't call us here to reminisce," Roadblock spoke up. "I'd like to know what's amiss?"
Iron Man did a double take. "Do you always speak in rhyme?"
"It's not like it's a crime," Roadblock shrugged.
"He does it pretty much all the time," Shipwreck agreed.
"It can be quite sublime," Alpine added.
"Not now!" General Hawk barked. "Stop it! Continue please Captain. I'd like to know why you asked for GI Joe's help."
"Because you people have the most experience with the group we're now after," Captain America explained. "Who have now jumped to the top of the World's Most Dangerous Organizations lists."
"What did Cobra do now?" General Hawk groaned.
"Besides mutating a giant goat that terrorized half of Europe?" Black Widow asked. "Pirating a yacht where almost all the major heads of the banks of Eastern Europe were sailing on? Terrorizing and killing a member of a popular boy band? Destroying a Hydra base?"
"As well as half the cities in Europe?" Captain America asked. "As well as wrecking several landmarks and national parks?"
"Causing a volcano to erupt in Latveria," Hawkeye added. "One of my personal favorites actually."
"As well as one in Italy," Iron Man groaned. "Crashing the Internet. Infecting the computers of half the countries in the world. Including mine!"
"Not to mention stealing everything they could get their hands on over the past year," Captain America was puzzled. "Including toilets."
"Which they used in a recent battle as weapons," Duke added.
"Besides that?" Shipwreck asked nonchalantly.
"Well for starters they went on a rampage with some mostly unknown enhanced individuals in Las Vegas," Iron Man showed them some images on a huge screen.
"Whoa," Shipwreck frowned. "I thought I did some damage in Vegas."
"You said mostly unknown enhanced," Lady Jaye spoke up. "Who's there you do know?"
"Ares," Captain America explained. "The Greek God of War."
"And of course, Cobra Commander and Destro would become pals with the God of War," Alpine groaned. "With all the destruction they cause, Ares is probably a huge fan."
"You're not shocked that Greek Gods exist?" Captain America asked.
"We've met some actual Egyptian Gods and a few other interesting individuals," Duke explained. "Greek Gods aren't that much of a stretch."
"This group was last seen terrorizing a Starbucks," Black Widow showed them the images.
"It looks like they're having breakfast," Hawkeye remarked.
"They can do both at the same time," Duke explained. "Look we have to find out what the Fang Gang is up to and stop them before they strike again!"
"I'm afraid we're too late for that," Thor walked in with two men in togas. One was Hermes and he had soot all over him. "Cobra has struck again."
Shipwreck did a double take. "Hercules? Is that you?"
"Shipwreck! By the Gods it's been ages!" Hercules the part time Avenger grinned. "I haven't seen you since that little tussle in that bar in Athens about a score ago!"
Duke looked at Shipwreck. "Is there anyone you haven't met in a bar?"
"I'm still waiting for the Queen of England to write back," Shipwreck quipped.
"Please tell me you're joking…" Lady Jaye groaned. "On second thought, don't tell me."
"This is Hercules and the god Hermes," Thor introduced. "I'm afraid there has been a catastrophe on Olympus."
"The catastrophe is that there isn't an Olympus anymore," Hercules sighed.
"What do you mean there isn't an Olympus anymore?" Duke asked.
"It burned down," Hermes groaned and coughed up some smoke.
"How did that happen?" Captain America was stunned.
General Hawk realized the truth. "Cobra?"
"Cobra," Hermes groaned.
"How the hell would Cobra…?" Iron Man was stunned. "How did they even get to Olympus in the first place?"
"They have that freaky spaceship," Roadblock realized. "It would be easy for them to take a trip!"
"Your bard is correct," Hercules nodded. "Apparently they ran into Ares in the city of Las Vegas where he had been hiding for years. Then they convinced Ares who convinced the other gods for a scheme to invade Olympus so Ares could take over."
"Any plan Cobra makes is worth nothing but trash," Roadblock told them. "No wonder Olympus is now a pile of ash!"
"Let me take a wild guess what happened," General Hawk sighed. "During the fight Cobra snuck away and stole something didn't they?"
"A lot of things," Hercules groaned. "And now there are a few homeless gods I have to deal with. Except for Hera. She moved in with Athena."
"So, Cobra destroyed Olympus?" Hawkeye was stunned. "The Olympus?"
"No, the Olympus on 42nd Street!" Hermes snapped. "YES! The home of the gods is now nothing but rubble!"
"Cobra has a weapon that powerful?" Captain America asked.
"Not exactly," Hermes admitted. "See…They set fire to a lot stuff. And Olympus didn't have any fire extinguishers."
"And the Gods were all fighting among themselves," Hercules groaned. "By the time they realized what was happening it was too late."
"Wait isn't Zeus the god of rain as well as thunder?" Lady Jaye asked.
"He forgot how to do it," Hercules sighed. "Plus, he had to deal with a fight between not only all the other gods, but his wife. Apparently, she got so angry with him she clocked him upside the head."
"It was not our finest moment," Hermes groaned. "To be honest we haven't been very organized since the beginning of the Renaissance."
"And by the time the gods escaped the fire and Ares figured out that Cobra not only ditched him…" Hercules sighed. "But stole a great amount of treasure…He didn't take it well."
"Which started another fight," Hermes groaned. "And another fire!"
"I can't believe this," Lady Jaye remarked. "Ares had to know that Cobra Commander would double cross him."
"He didn't," Hermes groaned.
"You're telling me the God of War couldn't figure out one of the oldest tricks in the book?" Alpine did a double take.
"I know," Hermes sighed. "He's not the god of smarts!"
"Considering the circumstances Zeus decided to pardon most of the gods that rebelled against him," Hercules explained. "They only went in on the plan because of Ares. In fact, Zeus has just moved in with Harpo. Which tells you something about the state of his marriage."
"Who's Harpo?" Duke asked.
"The God of Silence," Hercules told him.
"He moved in with him for the peace and quiet?" Roadblock asked. "Because he wanted to get away from the other gods' riot?"
"I wouldn't call Harpo quiet by any stretch of the imagination," Hermes groaned. "He may not be able to talk but…"
MEANWHILE IN AN APARTMENT SOMEWHERE…
HONK! HONK! HONK!
Zeus looked at Harpo. They were on a couch and before them was a table full of food. "Oh sure! Blame me!" Zeus snapped.
HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK!
Zeus sighed. "Still less annoying than living with Hera. Pass the chicken wings Harpo."
BACK TO THE AVENGERS MANSION
"So, you're saying we have a bunch of homeless Gods running around?" Hawkeye asked.
"Not as many as you would think," Hercules shrugged. "Again, a lot of the rebelling gods already had places to live. Some of the other gods are moving in with them temporarily."
"What about Ares?" Lady Jaye asked.
"Ares has been sent back to the underworld for a time out," Hercules smirked. "And if I know my uncle Hades he won't be having it easy."
FLASH TO THE UNDERWORLD!
"This is an insult!" Ares roared. His legs were shackled in golden chains. He was holding a large shovel and standing behind a large pile of manure.
"Well somebody has to clean up the messes my fire cattle and my Night Mares make," Hades smirked as he stood off to the side with Deming next to him.
"This time it's you," Deming grinned.
"You can't force me to…" Ares began. Hades calmly took out a small remote control and pushed a button. "YEOWWWWW!"
"I love the guys in my R and D department," Hades grinned. "They came up with this baby to help keep rowdy gods under control."
"I am the God of War!" Ares roared. Hades pushed the button again. "AAAAAAHHH!"
"Now you're the God of the Shovel," Hades quipped. "Which you are going to be using for a long time."
"Now I know why Hercules always complained about the smell of the Augean Stables," Ares groaned.
"And knowing is a good reason to invest in nose plugs," Hades remarked. "I tell you I am so glad I decided to help Cobra Commander. I got a lot for a cheap deal!"
"Hey!" Deming snapped.
"Truth hurts babe," Hades shrugged. "Deal with it."
"You knew this would happen, didn't you?" Ares roared at Hades.
"Knew that Cobra would double cross you for their own ends?" Deming looked at him. "Kind of a no brainer! Hello! Look what they did to me!"
"To be fair I didn't know everything. I knew Cobra would cause chaos and trouble for Big Brother and all those stuck ups still in Olympus," Hades smirked. "But boy, I had no idea how much trouble! Whoo! I am going to binge watch the hell out of that replay for the rest of eternity!"
"How can you be happy about Olympus being destroyed?" Ares shouted.
Hades looked at him. "Oh, you mean the place where I was kicked out of eons ago? Not even allowed to have an apartment or a room? Let alone be invited to a birthday party every now and then? That Olympus? Terrible tragedy. Oh well. Life goes on. Besides technically it wasn't even all Cobra's fault now was it?"
"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?" Ares snarled.
"Dude even I have fire extinguishers down here," Hades remarked. "And half of the underworld is full of lava! Now get going, Mr. Three Heads made another messy-mess! Deming you okay supervising this yutz?"
"Hey as long as I don't have to do it anymore," Deming smirked as she took the device from Hades. "I'm good."
"I swear Cobra will pay…" Ares snarled as he began to shovel.
"Get in line!" Deming snapped. She pressed the button and Ares twitched in pain. "Huh. This job does have perks!"
FLASH BACK TO THE AVENGERS MANSION
"So, you need our help to track Cobra down as part of some kind of payback?" Alpine asked.
"It's a bit more complicated than that," Hermes explained. "They stole a lot of things from Olympus. Gold. Jewels…"
"In other words, capital to fund their life of crime," Duke realized.
"They also stole the Shield Of Zeus, the Golden Fleece and what they probably thought was the Trident of Poseidon," Hercules explained.
"What do you mean by probably thought?" Duke asked.
"Poseidon would never leave his trident in Olympus," Hercules explained. "He's extremely paranoid about that. And this recent theft has not dimmed it."
"I told Zeus eons ago the treasure vault should at least have a door," Hermes groaned. "But he never thought anyone would be stupid or crazy enough to steal from the gods."
"Wrong on both counts," Lady Jaye quipped.
"Well if Cobra didn't steal the Trident of Poseidon," General Hawk blinked. "What did they steal?"
"The Trident of Cloacina," Hercules explained.
"Who's she?" Black Widow asked.
"The goddess of sewage and waste removal," Hercules told her. "As well as absolutions in the privy chamber."
Shipwreck realized. "You're saying…Cobra has the Trident of the Queen of Toilets?"
"In a nutshell, yes…" Hercules groaned.
Meanwhile…
"OKAY WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THIS STUPID THING?" Cobra Commander shouted as he waved the trident over the ocean while standing on a rock. "I've been waving this stupid thing for half an hour and nothing is happening? What gives?"
"Hey Commander!" Torch was heard calling out. "The toilets are overflowing in the spaceship!"
"NOT NOW TORCH!" Cobra Commander snapped as he kept waving the trident. "Why don't these damn mystical items come with instruction manuals?"
Let's go back to the Avengers Mansion, shall we?
"This is insane!" Captain America was stunned.
"This is Cobra," General Hawk told him. "Insane is kind of their forte."
"And they sure know how to use it to ruin everyone's day," Roadblock groaned.
"Don't be surprised if Cobra Commander decides to use it to I don't know…" Shipwreck paused. "Overflow the toilets at the UN or something."
"I think it's more likely Cobra Commander would use it against Mongoose Incorporated," General Hawk told him. "Oh God he would use it to overflow their toilets!"
"The ones he hasn't stolen already," Alpine groaned.
"Why Mongoose Incorporated?" Black Widow asked.
"Because it's a splinter group of Cobra," Duke explained. "More than half of Cobra's troops rebelled and kicked out Cobra Commander and most of his high command."
"For more competent leadership," Shipwreck folded his arms. "And Hiss Highness kind of holds a grudge."
"That's why they've been killing defectors and blowing up everything that's under Mongoose's leadership's control," General Hawk explained. "And apparently wrecking the bases they have under control. Or had…"
"Cobra has been blowing up their own bases?" Black Widow was stunned.
"Lady ever hear the phrase scratch a diva, get an assassin?" Shipwreck asked. "Well Cobra Commander is the biggest, dumbest, most high maintenance diva you can get outside of Hollywood."
"Cobra Commander's ruthlessness, unpredictability and insanity are his greatest assets," General Hawk agreed. "Add to that a spaceship that can literally take him anywhere…"
"How did he get that ship anyway?" Iron Man asked. "From what I've been able to find out, I've never seen anything like it."
"Apparently, he stole it from another dimension," Roadblock explained. "How we found out I don't want to mention!"
"We've been taking out several Mongoose Incorporated bases and dummy corporations on our own," Lady Jaye explained.
"But there are still more of them than gopher holes in Bushwood's Golf Course," Alpine quipped.
"Our best bet is to figure out where Cobra Commander's next target will be and wait for him," Duke suggested.
"I say that clown is looking for a final showdown," Roadblock spoke up.
"If we find Mongoose Incorporated's main headquarters," Alpine added. "That's definitely where Cobra Commander will strike sooner or later."
"He might have some fun with his new toys first," Shipwreck pointed out.
"Again, with the UN?" Roadblock asked.
"I wouldn't put it past him," Shipwreck defended. "You know how Fang Face loves an audience. Plus, he thinks it's a status thing."
"I don't know," Captain America frowned. "I'm not so sure Cobra Commander will be happy once he figures out he has the Trident of Toilets."
Meanwhile…
"WHAT?" Cobra Commander screamed at Crystal Ball back inside the spaceship. "I HAVE THE TRIDENT OF WHAT?"
"The Trident of Cloacina," Crystal Ball said calmly. "The Goddess of…"
"I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!" Cobra Commander screamed. "I WAS ASKING A RHETORICAL QUESTION YOU IDIOTIC 8 BALL RIPOFF!"
"Commander calm down!" Destro barked. "You're overflowing the ship's privy again!"
"What?" Cobra Commander noticed the trident was glowing. And some water was leaking into the bridge.
"Yeah you might want to think where you point that thing," Crystal Ball told him.
"This is a new low even for us," Destro groaned. "Just when I thought using porcelain thrones as projectile weapons was our low point…"
"We take toilet humor to new and low levels," Zandar groaned.
"Hang on," Cobra Commander paused. "This isn't a complete loss."
"Yes, we still have the Shield of Zeus," Destro agreed. "And the Golden Fleece as well as several other treasures."
"No, I mean this isn't a complete loss," Cobra Commander pointed to the trident. "I can do something with this. It's not the same as controlling the entire ocean…But…"
"What are you thinking?" Destro groaned.
"I can use this weapon to overflow any sewer and any toilet in the world, right?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Basically yes," Crystal Ball agreed. "As well as purifying the water."
"Yeah, yeah but the big thing is I can control sewer water…" Cobra Commander waved. "Which means…"
"Oh no…" Destro winced. "Commander…"
"Look Destro," Cobra Commander told him. "I can either whine and complain. Or I can make lemonade out of these rotten lemons! I choose to do the latter. This might be kind of fun now that I think about it."
"What are you planning?" Destro asked, clearly worried.
"Just a little bit of fun," Cobra Commander cackled. "The more I think about this, the more I realize that this may be perfect! HA! HA! HA! HA!"
"This will not end well," The Baroness groaned.
"It usually doesn't," Destro sighed.
A few hours later…
"Greetings United Nations!" Cobra Commander's face appeared on a giant screen of the UN Assembly. "I'm baaaaa-cck!"
The members of the UN gasped with shock. "That's right you pompous politicians and sniveling weasels!" Cobra Commander snarled. "Cobra has returned. Well technically we never left. I have been lying low, just waiting for the right moment to strike."
"I've been watching how you so called leaders have been screwing everything up from the economy to the environment! Even I know global warming is real, idiots! Admittedly my weather dominator contributed to that a tiny bit. That was my bad. Mea culpa."
"At least I'm willing to admit when I make a mistake! Instead of making the same ones over and over again! Another reason I should run this pathetic planet! Before you idiots destroy it before I get a chance to!"
"I took out Latveria without even trying, just for fun!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Imagine what Cobra can do when I really put my mind to it!"
"So, take notice world!" Cobra Commander snarled. "Cobra will no longer be mocked and insulted! Soon we will bring order and stability to the chaos you have inflicted on the world!"
"And don't point out the fact that I've been inflicting chaos on the world. Yes, I have but that's just to make a statement! It's called irony people!"
"You have been warned!" Cobra Commander hissed. "And for my enemies…I will not rest until you are dealt with. And for once I'm not talking about GI Joe! I'm coming for you Mongoose Incorporated! And all your allies!"
"So, I leave you now with a little present," Cobra Commander held his trident and it glowed. "Something that I think sums up exactly what I think about the UN! COBRA!"
The delegates were confused as nothing seemed to happen for a moment. Then there was a loud commotion coming from the hallway. Suddenly a tidal wave of raw sewage burst into the room, scattering the delegates in fear and shock.
"HA! HA! HA! HA!" Cobra Commander cackled before shutting off the transmission.
Soon back at the Avenger's mansion…
"Nine ambassadors, three assistants and two diplomatic aides drowned in the mess," Black Widow gave her report after showing the video. "And dozens more had to be given tetanus shots."
"And let's be honest," Hawkeye admitted. "That hallway is never going to smell the same again."
Iron Man looked at Shipwreck. "You called it."
"Told you," Shipwreck nodded. "I knew it."
"And knowing is the reason why I'm turning into an alcoholic," General Hawk groaned.