This chapter was co-written by Coldfusion 180! Thanks buddy!

Cobra Persona: Buzzer

"This is it," Cobra Commander crowed as the spaceship flew through the atmosphere. "The destruction of Mongoose Incorporated is imminent! Cobra is finally headed for the Big Time!"

"That's one way to put it," Destro grumbled. "As long as we don't end up in the Big House."

The Baroness groaned. "Personally, I'd be surprised if we manage to eke our way into the little leagues."

"Stop being a pair of Debbie Downers," Cobra Commander scolded. "Sure, Cobra may have experienced a few low points in the past…"

"A few?" The Baroness gave him a look. "More like several hundred!"

"And those were our good days," Tomax commented.

"The bad days made even our low points seem decent," Xamot added.

"I don't know," Mindbender remarked. "I think some of the parties we had were pretty fun."

"Those parties we had were pretty destructive," Destro told him.

"That's what I mean by fun," Mindbender told him.

"Anyway," Cobra Commander snapped in annoyance. "For the first time since ever Cobra is finally packing some serious firepower. As well as a secret weapon!"

"A trident that overflows toilets is a weapon you would want to keep secret," Destro moaned.

"Destro we just went toe to toe and outwitted the Gods of Olympus!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I would think even that would impress you!"

"A bunch of drunken ex-gods," Zartan pointed out. "Who couldn't even remember their powers to put out a fire. Not exactly a high bar."

"Says the supposed leader of the Dreadnoks," The Baroness gave him a look. "Compared to them, any soused, violent-prone group looks good!"

"And not all of them were former gods of war," Destro reminded. "Some only possess the power to control wind, thunder, silence and the ability to create wine."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Cobra Commander said. "Anyone who can create unlimited amounts of alcohol is okay in my book!"

"If only it wasn't the Book of Stupidity," The Baroness grumbled. "That reminds me, where did the Greek version of Woody Allen go?"

"He's in the cargo hold," Zarana told her. "Complaining of airsickness and breathing into a paper bag."

"I rest my case," Zartan folded his arms.

"Okay maybe that particular god isn't such a big deal?" Cobra Commander sighed. "We'll dump him off first chance we get. Shame we couldn't get the God of Wine to stay."

"We couldn't even get the real trident of Poseidon!" Destro snapped.

"We don't need it!" Cobra Commander snapped. "The Trident of Cloacina will work fine! It's more useful now that I think about it."

"Especially against the Dreadnoks' bowel movements," The Baroness groaned.

Monkeywrench shrugged. "She's not wrong."

"Don't forget," Firefly spoke up. "We also stole the Golden Fleece and the Shield of Zeus. As well as a ton of jewels and gold."

"Including this lovely pendant," Blood Wing motioned to his jewelry and human form. "That allows me to walk in daylight without people wanting to turn me into Thanksgiving dinner."

"I also took advantage of our brief companionship with the gods," Mindbender smiled. "I have already managed to collect hair, skin and bodily fluid samples from most of them. I can't wait to sequence their DNA and see what makes a living deity kick!"

"With our luck anything you create will kick back," Zarana groaned.

"Hey just get me to a halfway decent lab and I will create a super soldier beyond your wildest dreams!" Mindbender told her.

"More like nightmares," Destro groaned. "But even I have to admit that would be useful. I have to admit, for once Cobra Commander you have a point,"

"Of course, I do," Cobra Commander preened. "Just look at what my brilliant leadership has accomplished! We now have a heavily armed spaceship, DNA of the gods, weapons of mass destruction, wealth beyond our wildest dreams and plenty of booze and other alcohol-based beverages. Nothing can stop Cobra now!"

Just then the main viewscreen came to life. "Hello, everybody! It's time once again for the show that just can't be kept off the air: Cobra Persona!" Vapor cheered.

"With one exception," Cobra Commander groaned.

"Oh gods no," Destro moaned seeing the smiling faces of Vapor and Zero. "I almost forgot about those two, tweedle-minded twits."

"And for once you're not talking about the Crimson Twins," Zartan quipped.

"Hey!" Tomax and Xamot glared at him.

"Yes, it's been a while since we put on another show," Vapor said onscreen. "We've been pretty busy handling crises while burning through mounds of Cobra cash and assets."

"Literally," Mindbender sighed.

"But we finally managed to carve out some time from our schedule to highlight another of Cobra's overlooked employees," Zero grinned. "Let's hear a big round of applause for a guest who knows all about cutting stuff apart: Buzzer!"

"WHAT?!" Cobra Commander yelled as an image of the blond ponytailed, clean shaven Dreadnok filled the viewscreen. "When did that maniac even manage to make contact with those traitors?"

They all glared at Buzzer. "Hang on!" Buzzer protested. "I haven't left you blokes in ages! I couldn't have slipped away!"

"He's right," Zartan realized. "Then how…?"

"'Ello, there!" Buzzer's smiling image beamed from the viewscreen. "It's Buzzer time, baby!"

"No, it's not!" Cobra Commander screamed. "It's supposed to be my time! Mine! Mine! Mine!"

"For the more inquisitive among you viewers, this interview has been prerecorded a few months ago," Vapor explained. "Back when we had our own casino."

"Oh right," Buzzer realized. "I remember now…"

"Yeah, I think we all did one," Ripper realized.

"Are you telling me there's more of these we have to put up with?" Cobra Commander screamed.

"Can't be any worse than putting up with the actual Dreadnoks," Zartan sighed.

"So let's get to it," A recorded image of Zero appeared while holding some notes. "So, Buzzer's real name is Richard Blinken-Smythe and he hails from Cambridge in jolly old England."

"Actually, it's Richard Blinken-Smythe the Third," Buzzer corrected. "Let's just say there was a tragic accident with Richard Blinken-Smythe the Second. And jolly old England my foot! Jolly old land of elitist hypocrites is more like it!"

"Eh, there are worse things to be called," Cobra Commander waved.

"You would know," Destro muttered under his breath.

"Can you elaborate a little on that?" Vapor asked.

"How much time do you have?" Buzzer grunted. "I came from a fairly decent family. Both my parents were hard working stiffs who just happened to live on the wrong side of the tracks. Every upper-crust toff treated us like rubbish! England may call itself a democratic society, but it's still dominated by an antiqued caste system controlled by the upper class and aristocrats!"

"That's…surprisingly insightful," Mindbender admitted. "And accurate."

"Is it just me, or does Buzzer sound almost sophisticated?" Destro blinked in surprise. "And by sophisticated, I mean he's speaking in actual sentences."

"Eh, it's gotta be a fluke," The Baroness waved. "Vapor and Zero must've prepped him ahead of time for this."

"I don't know," Zartan rubbed his chin. "Those two fools couldn't prep a diner table."

"I was looked down on by nobs and poms every day of my life growing up," Buzzer went on. "I tried to show them up by working my butt off through primary and secondary school. I even entered Cambridge as a Sociology major, graduated magna cum laude and was eventually appointed a don."

"WHAT?!" All the Cobras yelped.

"Oh right, that," Buzzer laughed nervously. "That was a long time ago…"

"A Dreadnok earned a degree from Cambridge?" Destro looked like he was about to have a heart attack.

"A Dreadnok earned a degree period?" Zandar asked.

"I don't believe it!" The Baroness was stunned. "That's impossible! That strategically-shaved Neanderthal is lying!"

"Actually, Neanderthals are considered to have been pretty intelligent," Mindbender managed to speak up. "And they typically had a significantly larger brain size compared to modern humans…And there is evidence to suggest they interbred with homo sapiens."

"So, you're saying there's a good chance that the Neanderthal gene still exists?" The Baroness asked. "What am I saying?" She looked at the Dreadnoks.

"That explains a lot," Cobra Commander groaned.

"Wow, that's great!" Zero looked impressed. "You were a real professor at Cambridge."

"Yep," Buzzer nodded. "I even had tenure."

"WHAT?!" Destro yelped. "How the heck did that happen?"

"How did that happen?" Vapor echoed onscreen.

"Let's just say I found out the dean was having an affair with the head of the Biology department," Buzzer grinned. "Along with half the other dons, some of the more senior students, a janitor or three…"

"Ah, now things make sense," Tomax sighed.

"It figures a Dreadnok would use amorous blackmail in order to get ahead," Xamot nodded.

"Look who's talking," Zartan quipped.

"Wow," Torch looked at Buzzer. "You really are smart."

"I see," Zero blinked. "Take about getting a well-rounded university education."

"More like well-bedded!" Buzzer scoffed. "Those snooty toffs were always going on about their superior breeding, noble lineages and vaunted bloodlines. They shame the masses from pursuing certain 'socially unacceptable' relationships while using their inherited positions to do those very things!"

"Well duh," Cobra Commander said. "The rich and powerful always act like the laws of society don't apply to them."

"How would you know?" Zartan gave him a look. "You've never been either!"

"Hello? Cobra La Nobleman of the Science Caste here!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Seriously? Nobody remembers my origin story?"

"Even when me and my family became lords and ladies they still held our background against us!" Buzzer snarled.

"You're a lord? How did that happen?" Zero asked.

"Funny story," Buzzer waved. "Back in the day a lot of broke aristocrats were forced to sell their titles of peerage. My family and I snapped them up like good china at an estate sale!"

"That's how Zonker of Doonesbury became a lord," Tiffany realized.

"Technically Zonker is a viscount," Buzzer corrected.

"Oh, look who's into titles now?" Zarana snapped.

"My sister bought not only the title of Lady Essex on Sussex Upper Downs," Buzzer added. "She got the entire castle and its contents for under a hundred pounds! It was a real dump but she and her husband and her sisters in law turned that place around and are making a fortune renting it out for weddings!"

"What's your title?" Zero asked.

"Lord Blinken-Smythe of Smythe-Bilknen Downs," Buzzer explained. "But even with my fancy title and lofty position at Cambridge the upper classes still looked down on me! They wouldn't even invite me to their stupid New Year's Eve soirees! Even though my brother was technically in the House of Lords!"

"Wow," Ripper blinked. "They do sound like snobs."

"And the upper-classes' two-faced morality didn't stop there, oh no," Buzzer went on. "They'd make false pretenses against my work and dismiss it while secretly plagiarizing parts to use in their own research. I was prevented from publishing several award-winning dissertations because my so-called peers cribbed from them and published their own papers first. And because they had more connections with those in power everyone believed I was the cheat instead of them!"

"How awful," Vapor shook his head. "You must have gotten really steamed about that."

"And how!" Buzzer nodded. "It was behavior like that that convinced me to reject rule by society's so-called elites. Those two-faced nobs only care about themselves and wielding power over the masses and the oppressed. The best and freest society is one where a man is able to make his own rules and the government is reduced to total anarchy!"

"What does that mean?" Zero asked.

Buzzer explained. "It means I burned down their gardens in the middle of the night. Killed any prize-winning livestock they had and turned it into breakfast. Dumped buckets of blood in their foyers. Went through their mail and ratted on a number of them to the proper authorities in the revenue service! And in one case Interpol."

Buzzer grinned. "Then I took the playbooks of all the sports teams and gave them to Oxford! They lost everything that year!"

"O-kay, that's a little extreme," Destro commented. "Even for a Dreadnok."

"And you wonder why we bar most Dreadnoks from holding high positions in Cobra," The Baroness glared at Zartan.

"Careful," Zartan warned. "Otherwise I might start putting some of Buzzer's sociological beliefs into practice!"

"Start?" Zarana gave him a look.

"Well, that's one way to start a revolution," Zero quipped. "Is that when you decided to quit Cambridge and join up with the Dreadnoks?"

"Oh, I didn't quit. I didn't want to lose my tenure," Buzzer explained. "I had researched the biker gang phenomenon in Australia for years so I finally decided to travel there to study it in person."

"Ah, so the Dreadnoks were like your private lab mice or something?" Vapor asked.

"More or less," Buzzer shrugged. "Though lab mice were far more intelligent and had much better personal hygiene habits."

"WHAT?" The other Dreadnoks shouted.

"Big surprise," The Baroness rolled her eyes. "Dung beetles are more hygienic than the Dreadnoks."

"Wait a minute. You were studying us?" Zartan gasped in shock.

"Technically…" Buzzer gulped weakly.

Zartan was stunned. "I thought he was just some spoiled rich kid who was looking for kicks as a kind of rebellion against his parents!"

"Shows what a great judge of character you are," Tomax mocked.

"Not surprising considering the personal nature of the other Dreadnoks," Xamot added.

"Wow, that's amazing," Zero blinked. "Did the other Dreadnoks ever learn what you were really up to?"

"Nope. I had used my vast biker knowledge to craft a really solid cover story," Buzzer preened. "Zartan and his siblings aren't the only actors in the group you know? But I did learn a lot from them. How to ride. How to party. How to drink grape soda. How to set fires properly. And how to toss aside all inhibitions and unleash the chaotic beast I'd been keeping penned up far too long!"

"That explains a lot," Cobra Commander quipped. "Now I know."

"And knowing helps keep the psychiatric profession in business," Destro groaned.

"We should really consider getting a psychiatrist to join Cobra's High Command," Mindbender mused. "It would certainly increase the wallowing level of mental health around here."

"Are you kidding?" The Baroness gave him a look. "I shudder to think what kind of nutcase would willingly become a psychiatrist for Cobra!"

"I see," Vapor looked at Buzzer. "So you were actually transformed into the very object of your research?"

"Well, I won't put it like that," Buzzer thought. "Let's just say I completely immersed myself in my chosen field of academia. And I did return to Cambridge once accompanied by the rest of the Dreadnoks where I expressed years of intellectual displeasure upon my former colleagues by chain sawing their offices and automobiles apart!"

"Is that why you had us trash that school?" Torch did a double take. "You said you knew a place where we could burn stuff and get beer!"

"Well I wasn't wrong, was I?" Buzzer snapped.

"I should have known," Destro moaned.

"Huh, that's one way to repay student loans," Vapor commented. "Say, where did you learn how to use a chainsaw in the first place?"

"Oh, my parents ran a chop shop and I worked with them on the weekends when I was a lad," Buzzer said.

"Are you serious?" Zero blinked.

"Yeah, I told you they were hard working," Buzzer grinned. "I just never said what they did was legal!"

"The final piece of the puzzle," The Baroness groaned.

"So, we were teaching you instead of the other way around?" Ripper asked Buzzer.

"Pretty much yeah," Buzzer shrugged. "Sorry I played dumb guys but I didn't want to pull a Thrasher."

Torch thought. "Oh yeah, I can see that."

Monkeywrench agreed. "That does make sense."

"I'm glad something does!" Zandar groaned.

"Well, that wraps up our prerecorded interview," Zero smiled. "It's stories like that which truly reveal the kind of biased world we're living in. So if you're tired of putting up with all the stuff that going on today, why not do something about it by joining up with Cobra?"

"WHAT?!" Cobra Commander yelped.

Destro blinked in realization. "We've been watching a recruiting pitch!"

"That explains why the pair of airwaves airheads are broadcasting on a secret channel of the dark web for mercenaries, deadbeats and free agents," Mindbender checked the readings on a control panel.

"Yes, viewers! You too can achieve freedom and riches by signing up with Cobra!" Vapor grinned. "We are an equal opportunity employer dedicated to changing the gamed, corrupted world system by using firearms, explosives and the occasional mutated lab specimen."

"We even offer great perks such as free health care, a competitive salary with benefits and the ability to date your coworkers," Zero smiled. "Hey, if members of the Cobra High Command can do it, why not you?"

"That's a lie!" Cobra Commander screamed. "I've never dated any colleagues, underlings or subordinates in Cobra!"

"Gee, I wonder why?" Zartan quipped.

"I have some integrity!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Since when?" The Baroness asked.

"To be fair," Zarana remarked. "He's never hit on either of us."

"In think your case it's more like good taste!" Firefly snapped.

Cobra Commander sighed. "You're not wrong."

"We're really desperate for new members, people! So please join Cobra today!" Contact information appeared below Vapor's and Zero's beaming faces. "This concludes our latest edition of Cobra Persona…"

"Thank goodness," Destro sighed.

"…which we'll now be repeating on an endless loop for the next few days in hopes of drumming up new recruits!" Vapor and Zero finished.

"WHAT?!" The Cobras yelped.

"Days?" The Baroness' eye twitched dangerously.

"Great group of people you hang around with cousin," Poison looked at Firefly.

"Okay, that's it! Forget Mongoose Incorporated for now!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We're going after those idiots! Mindbender! Destro! Lock onto that signal and track them down! We're going to deal with this once and for all!"

"Aww," Torch frowned. "I like these programs. And who knows? Maybe we can get some new blokes in our organization?"

Destro moaned deactivating the viewscreen. "Anyone who finds that sorry excuse of entertainment appealing is someone we want to keep far, far away from Cobra!"

"We like these programs!" Monkeywrench called out.

"Yeah!" Tiffany agreed.

"I rest my case," Destro groaned.