The Birthday Party Of Doom
"We're going where?" Destro asked Cobra Commander.
"To MODOK's kid's birthday party," Cobra Commander told him. "We're all invited."
"Pass!" Destro growled.
"Destro!" Cobra Commander began.
"As much as I'd love to go to a teenager's birthday party," Destro interrupted him. "I feel that someone should stay here and keep an eye on our base."
"Destro," Cobra Commander gave him a look. "This is important!"
"No, it's not," Destro told him.
"Huh," The Baroness rolled her eyes. "Leave it to Destro to decide what's important and what's not!"
"Don't start with me woman!" Destro growled.
"Oh boy…" Zartan sighed.
"Not this again," Cobra Commander sighed.
"I am sick and tired of you harping on me for every little thing I say!" Destro snapped. "If you weren't so insecure…?"
"INSECURE?" The Baroness shouted. "If anyone's insecure it's you! Always trying to be the big man…"
"Oh, I am a man," Destro growled. "And you're lucky you're a woman or else I would have clocked your block years ago!"
"I'd like to see you try!" The Baroness shouted.
"Sure! Let me get a surface to air missile!" Destro snapped. "That seems the safest way with your temper, you insane shrew!"
"SHREW?" The Baroness screamed.
"On second thought," Cobra Commander decided. "Perhaps the two of you should stay here?"
"Yeah, we can handle this without you," Zartan nodded.
"If you could just step back from your ego…" The Baroness snarled.
"My ego?" Destro shouted. "Woman your ego is bigger than Boston! With enough space to take over half the state of Massachusetts!"
"And we're going," Cobra Commander said as he and Zartan turned around. "Anything is better than being around this!"
"A child's birthday party is definitely preferable than listening to those children!" Zartan admitted.
"You arrogant self-absorbed…" The Baroness began.
"Praise from the Queen of Arrogance!" Destro interrupted.
"Seriously, should we leave those two alone at the base?" Zartan asked as the two fought.
"Knowing those two," Cobra Commander remarked. "While we're gone they'll either have sex or kill each other. I'm hoping for the latter."
"Me too," Zartan sighed.
An hour later on AIM Island…
It was a typical birthday party. Music. Balloons. Cake. Presents. AIM scientists with party hats on top of their hazmat helmets playing pin the tail on the donkey. With throwing knives. The birthday boy Lou riding a giant blue lizard creature that looked half drugged. Monkeywrench riding a motorcycle around the base. Torch chasing a clown with a flamethrower all over the room.
Okay maybe this birthday party wasn't so typical?
"This party isn't so bad," MODOK remarked as he stood next to Cobra Commander and watched the mayhem.
"Where did your son get the lizard?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Dr. Monica made it for him," MODOK explained. "Well not exactly for him but it was the only experiment she had that wasn't trying to murder everyone or throwing up acid all over the place so she figured…"
"And this isn't a problem for you?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Well at Lou's last birthday party we were all kidnapped by a future version of myself," MODOK explained. "Forced to fight for our lives against robot doppelgangers. Yada, yada, yada…For a while we ended up with two Lous because neither Lou could bear to destroy the other. Then the robot Lou got destroyed…"
"Oh, that old story," Cobra Commander waved.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" The clown screamed as he was on fire.
"This is definitely a step up," MODOK remarked.
"Where did you get the clown?" Cobra Commander asked.
"That's Arthur from accounting," MODOK explained.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! AAAAHHH!"
"Oh," Cobra Commander paused. "Sorry."
"Don't be," MODOK remarked. "I discovered he was embezzling from AIM. I was going to fire him after the party anyway."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"Huh," Cobra Commander mused as he watched. "Irony in action."
"It is rather amusing isn't it?" MODOK remarked.
"That's why I keep the Dreadnoks around," Cobra Commander told him. "Well that and the hope they'll kill themselves."
"AAAAHHHH!"
"Fun fact," Cobra Commander remarked. "A lot of Dreadnoks we've had in the past have died. But the main core group just keeps hanging around like cockroaches."
"YEOW!" Ripper screamed. "YOU IDIOTS THREW A KNIFE IN ME SHOULDER! OWW!"
"Of course, they do get the occasional injury," Cobra Commander shrugged. "Still amusing. Speaking of amusements is there any alcohol at this party?"
MODOK looked at him. "This is a children's party. So…No!"
"I didn't mean for the kids to drink it!" Cobra Commander told him. "Just something for the adults so we don't lose our minds!"
"First of all," MODOK told him. "There's only my son and my daughter here…"
"No, I brought our kids over," Cobra Commander pointed. "They're with your daughter over there."
Melissa who looked almost exactly like her father (only cuter and had green hair) was holding court with the clone brothers. Laughing and talking and having a good time.
"Those are your kids?" MODOK blinked.
"Well not mine per say," Cobra Commander explained. "No. No. God no! They're leftovers from this wacked out experiment that frankly I didn't even know was still going on. I didn't even know they were alive until I returned to Cobra Island. I considered killing them then I realized…Cheap labor."
"Oh," MODOK remarked.
"I do have one son," Cobra Commander admitted. "Haven't seen him in years. Which is just as well because he tried to kill me the last time we met. It's complicated. You'll understand one day when your kids try to murder you."
"Uh huh…" MODOK blinked. "I was going to say something else…It doesn't seem to matter now."
"That happens to me more often than I want to admit," Cobra Commander shrugged. "Usually on the rare occasions when I have a tad too much to drink."
"Rare occasions?" MODOK began.
"Cobra Commander!" Jodie was heard shouting.
"Oh, hey Jodie," Cobra Commander remarked. "Great party."
"Yeah but I don't want this as a gift for my son!" Jodie walked over with Crystal Ball in her arms. "I found him by the presents!"
Crystal Ball had a bow on his ball. "Hey you have to admit I'm better than a pet rock or a digital monster!"
"Here!" Jodie handed Crystal Ball to Cobra Commander. "Take this back!"
"I told you not to give him that!" MODOK glared at Cobra Commander.
"It was worth a shot!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Oh, please let me stay!" Crystal Ball begged. "Almost anything is better than living with him!" He glared at Cobra Commander.
"Yeah like I'm stupid enough to let my kid have any real magical artifact," MODOK looked at Crystal Ball.
"I don't self-identify as an artifact," Crystal Ball told him. "I'm a ghost that happens to be stuck in a crystal ball."
"And your name is Crystal Ball…" MODOK added.
"Your name is a complicated acronym," Crystal Ball pointed out. "Do you really want to go there?"
"Just take him away," MODOK told Cobra Commander.
"Oh, come on!" Crystal Ball pleaded. "It would be like a really cool sitcom about a boy and his magical ghost in a crystal ball! Full of family friendly fun and wacky shenanigans!"
"We're not greenlighting that project," MODOK told him.
"I don't know," Cobra Commander remarked. "It sounds like it has potential."
"You don't get a say," MODOK looked at Cobra Commander.
"Why not just give it a week?" Cobra Commander asked. "Try it out. See how it goes?"
"How about going right into a garbage disposal?" MODOK snapped.
"I wouldn't recommend it," Cobra Commander remarked. "I tried that. My garbage disposal was never the same."
"Yeah who knew that solid crystal was stronger than cheap metal?" Crystal Ball quipped.
"OH GOD I'M IN AGONY!" The burnt clown screamed. "SOMEBODY KILL ME!"
"I thought we agreed you'd get rid of Arthur?" Jodie asked.
"Technically I am," MODOK told him.
"AAAAAHHH!" The burnt clown thrashed in his death throes.
"Almost there," MODOK remarked.
VRRRROOOOM!
"Hey stop running that motorcycle all over the place!" MODOK snapped. "You're making tire marks all over the floor! And I just had them cleaned!"
"BLEAAAAAHHHHH!"
"Oh, for the love of…" MODOK groaned as the giant blue lizard threw up on the floor. "Why do Dr. Monica's mutant monstrosities always throw up on my floor?"
"Been there," Cobra Commander nodded. "You should have seen the mess one of Mindbender's creations made one New Year's Eve party."
"Hello," Blood Wing walked up to them. "This is a wonderful party!"
"Which party are you at?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Please," Blood Wing waved. "Compared to the coming of age ceremonies of my time this is pretty tame. At least there are no human sacrifices."
"Uhggghgghhh…."
"I stand corrected," Blood Wing looked as the clown finally died.
"Technically that's not a sacrifice," MODOK explained. "Just stupidity."
"Oh, by the way," Blood Wing remarked. "I may have eaten a few of your soldiers. You don't mind missing a few do you?"
"What?" MODOK did a double take. Well as best as you can do with a giant head.
BOOOOOOM! BOOM! BOOOM!
"Oh, what's on fire now?" Jodie groaned as she left the guys.
Cobra Commander had an idea. "You know? Maybe we should go to another room and chill out for an hour or so? Relax. Drink a little…?"
"I don't know guys…" MODOK sighed. "This is my kid's party."
"RARRR!"
"I NEVER WANT THIS RIDE TO END! HA HA!" Lou squealed with delight.
"LOU! GET OFF OF THAT THING!" Jodie was heard shouted. "IT'S EATING ONE OF OUR SCIENTISTS!"
MODOK looked at Cobra Commander. "Downstairs. Third door to the right. The one with the built-in blast doors. And it has a refrigerator full of different craft beers."
"Now you're talking," Cobra Commander remarked as they left.
It wasn't long before they were in the conference room. Along with MODOK and Cobra Commander, Blood Wing, Gary, Zartan and Crystal Ball were in the room. "This is great!" Crystal Ball said cheerfully. He was on the table.
"Yeah just guys hanging out and doing guy stuff," Gary agreed.
RRRRUUMMBLE!
"As long as we're not getting blown up or burned," Zartan took a drink. "I'm good."
"Jodie's going to be so mad that I sneaked out," MODOK groaned.
"You didn't sneak out," Cobra Commander told him. "You're gathering intelligence about your allies. And making sure we aren't stealing anything."
"Ooh," MODOK's eyes lit up. "Good one!"
"I've been married before," Cobra Commander waved. "I know a lot of the tricks."
"You were married?" Gary asked Cobra Commander.
"Yes, and she was a complete and total bitch," Cobra Commander took a drink. "I think she's dead now. Not really sure. Don't really care as long as I never see her again."
"I've been married a few times," Blood Wing admitted. "Three actually. The second one I was extremely fond of. But after a decade she got staked by some self-righteous Aztec priests…"
"That's rough buddy," Crystal Ball sighed.
"Eh," Blood Wing sighed. "It's for the best. We were starting to get into that stage of our relationship when we fought all the time. At least she went out before we had any real bad memories. Unlike my other wives. Both of them tried to stake me!"
"What happened to them?" Cobra Commander asked.
"My first wife got killed when she fell in a volcano," Blood Wing admitted. "And my third took off three centuries ago and I have no idea where. And I don't care. I like to think she got staked too. Or burned to death. It relaxes me."
"I've got some questions," Gary shrugged. "Like is it true that if a vampire's sire dies, the vampire dies as well?"
"I don't think so," Blood Wing shrugged. "I killed my sire and I'm still here so…"
"Seriously?" Cobra Commander asked. "That sounds like a story."
"Ehhh…" Blood Wing shrugged. "It's a pretty mundane one. Simple priest gets transformed into a vampire by the Feathered Lord of Darkness. Feathered Lord of Darkness threatens priest's girlfriend. Epic battle, yada, yada, yada…Priest defeats and destroys the Feathered Lord of Darkness and steals the lord's power in battle. Priest's girlfriend rejects him. Priest is devastated and sinks into the darkness. Only to sleep with his ex's hotter sister two weeks later…"
"Oh," Crystal Ball deadpanned. "That old story."
"FYI," Blood Wing sighed. "I made the mistake of marrying the hotter sister. And turning her into a vampire like me. Boy did that marriage turn bad after a couple of decades. She almost pushed me into the volcano! Thank darkness I moved at the last second and she tripped."
"Why didn't she just fly?" Crystal Ball asked. "Even if she was in human form she could have just transformed or something."
"She was drunk and an idiot," Blood Wing told him. "Next question."
"Is it true that you can only drink blood?" MODOK asked.
"Keep in mind that I'm a different species of vampire," Blood Wing gave him a look. "I can have some food other than blood. Alcohol obviously."
"That's why he fits in with Cobra," Crystal Ball quipped.
"I do like the occasional grain or corn," Blood Wing admitted. "But my main diet is blood. I do enjoy lizard blood a lot. And the occasional lizard."
"Now I have a question," MODOK looked at Crystal Ball. "What's your deal?"
"In life I was just a simple psychic con artist," Crystal Ball told him. "With some actual powers of hypnotism and intuition. One day I saw an ad in the paper looking for psychics. Next thing I know my noggin's strapped to some electrodes and my psychic powers increased tenfold!"
"Really?" Gary asked.
"Your psychic powers couldn't predict that you'd be used as a guinea pig?" Zartan snorted.
"They did," Crystal Ball snapped. "But I was willing to take the risk to get stronger! And it worked! Soon I got a promotion! I became an officer!"
"That's because you were the only one that survived!" Cobra Commander looked at him.
"I had a hunch," Crystal Ball told him.
"Didn't survive for long," Zartan snorted.
"Yeah, I was planning on haunting these guys until Mindbender shoved me into an actual Crystal Ball!" Crystal Ball explained. "And yes, I know. Irony."
"Would have been better if we just left him as a ghost and moved to another base," Cobra Commander sighed. "I mean we change bases all the time anyway…"
"Yeah now you figure that out!" Crystal Ball snapped. "A lot of good that does me!"
"Oh, shut up before I look up how to do an exorcism online!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Oh, speaking of online," Gary spoke up. "I saw the news. Sorry dudes."
"What news?" Cobra Commander asked.
"You don't know?" Gary asked.
"Know what?" Zartan asked.
Gary sighed. "I saw that they're sending some members of GI Joe overseas to fight against the Taliban. Or ISIS. Or whoever is running half of Afghanistan this week."
"Oh," Cobra Commander blinked. "For a minute I thought you were going to give me bad news!"
"What a relief!" Zartan agreed.
"Wait," MODOK blinked. "You're not jealous that GI Joe fights other enemies?"
"Why would I be?" Cobra Commander asked. "Let them be someone else's headache for a change!"
"But what about the eternal struggle between GI Joe and Cobra?" Gary asked. "That's your thing!"
"That's my point!" Cobra Commander snapped. "It's eternal! As it goes on, and on, and on…It's just nice to take a break from them!"
"It's not like they're not coming back," Zartan pointed out.
"If only," Cobra Commander took a drink. "And when the Joes are away, the Cobras will play! I am working on new nefarious schemes to take over the world!"
"Looks like you're working on a bottle of scotch," Crystal Ball remarked.
"And you wonder why I try to give you away every chance I get?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"You know we should do something like that?" MODOK remarked. "Come up with a nefarious plan to spread terror and take over the world!"
"Well you're supposed to be the super brain with the genius intellect," Cobra Commander remarked as he stretched back.
Unfortunately, as Cobra Commander stretched back he inadvertently hit a lever on a counter.
BRANNNGG! BRANNNNG!
"Uh what was that?" Cobra Commander realized he had done something as the alarms went off.
"You set off one of my missiles!" MODOK gasped.
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Oh, that can't be good," Gary gulped as the sounds of the missile taking off were heard.
"Can't you recall it?" Zartan shouted as they all got up to see what was going on.
"No! Once it's set off it just goes!" MODOK told him.
"Well that's rather poor planning," Cobra Commander remarked.
"WHAT?" MODOK snapped.
"He's not wrong," Crystal Ball remarked. "I mean you have to prepare for accidents."
"Yeah in case any idiot accidentally hits the switch!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Any idiot did!" MODOK shouted as he glared at him.
"Uh oh," Gary looked at the monitor. "The missile hit a target."
"What did we blow up?" Zartan gulped.
"Another satellite," MODOK told him as he checked the monitor.
"Which one?" Cobra Commander asked.
"NFL's Red Zone," MODOK realized.
"Oh no…" Gary gasped.
"That might make some people a tiny bit mad at us," MODOK gulped.
"YOU THINK?" Zartan shouted.
"Oh dear," Cobra Commander remarked. "This might be problematic."
"At least you got the terrorism and mayhem part done for the day," Crystal Ball quipped.
"I think we should go back upstairs," Cobra Commander coughed.
"Yeah you can blow up something up there!" Crystal Ball said cheerfully.
"And you wonder why I constantly try to give you away?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"I am so regretting this partnership," MODOK groaned to himself.
Soon they were back upstairs. The party seemed to wind down but there was a huge mess everywhere. "What happened?" MODOK looked at his wife, who was covered in cake and frosting.
"The cake exploded," Jodie explained.
"How?" MODOK sighed. "And who?"
"Torch with a stick of dynamite," Jodie explained. "But to be fair, Trevor from the armory suggested it."
"What's that mess over there?" MODOK pointed.
"Trevor from the armory," Jodie sighed. "He was doing his juggling dynamite trick. He wasn't very good at it."
"And that hole in the wall?" MODOK pointed to another area.
"Mindbender and Monica decided to play pin the tail on the donkey," Jodie sighed. "Using modified bazookas."
"And that other hole in the wall?" MODOK sighed.
"Mindbender let Lou fire the bazooka," Jodie gave him a look.
"Best birthday party ever!" Lou whooped as he walked over to them covered in cake.
"That is one weird kid," Zartan remarked.
"Who wants to play Seven Minutes in Heaven?" Melissa was heard shouting.
"ME! ME! ME!" The Cobra Cloned brothers were heard yelling.
"PARTY'S OVER!" MODOK shouted.
Later back at Cobra Island…
"Well I don't think we'll be invited back there anytime soon," Cobra Commander sighed as the Cobras walked the hallways. "Thanks to those hormonal idiots! And the teenagers."
"Sure," Zartan remarked. "Like you setting off that missile had nothing to do with it!"
"I wasn't the one eating people!" Cobra Commander pointed to Blood Wing.
"No, you were just drinking everything in sight," Blood Wing remarked.
"Shut up!" Cobra Commander snapped. The sounds of gunfire were heard before them. "Now what fresh Hell do I have to deal with?"
Cobra Commander and the other Cobras stormed into the command center. There was damage all over the room and laser blast scorches everywhere. "AAAHH!" Cobra Commander barely dodged a laser blast. "CEASE FIRE YOU FOOLS!"
"Commander?" Destro peered from behind a console, blaster in hand.
"You're back early," The Baroness emerged. She also had a blaster. "Uh I can explain…"
"Oh, you tried to kill each other," Cobra Commander drawled. "But didn't succeed. Shame."
"Maybe next time?" Zartan remarked cheerfully.
Destro sighed. "So how was the party?"
The Baroness added. "Anything happen?"
"Nothing much," Cobra Commander shrugged. "Pretty dull actually. By our standards."
"Yeah only a couple of people died," Torch nodded. "And a missile got set off somewhere. I could tell by the rumbling."
"That's not important," Cobra Commander waved. "Okay idiots clean this up. I'm going to my office to strategize about our next caper."
"You mean drink and watch Me Tube videos until you find something to rip off of," Destro looked at him.
"If the system isn't broke…" Cobra Commander shrugged.
"I feel like we forgot something," Torch remarked.
"Yes, I forgot to blow your brains out!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"No," Torch thought. "It's not that…"
"Eh, not important," Cobra Commander waved.
Meanwhile back at AIM Island…
"Yes, this is important!" Jodie told her husband as they sat at a table. "We can not invite Cobra back to this island! And definitely no more parties with them! Today was a disaster!"
"Still better than Lou's last birthday party," MODOK sighed. "At least this time we weren't kidnapped and didn't end up with an extra kid."
"I wouldn't be too sure about that," Jodie told him.
"What?" MODOK asked.
"Come on Dad!" Crystal Ball said cheerfully as he rolled up to him on the table. "Two heads are better than one!"
"COBRA COMMANDER!" MODOK yelled.