Chump Change

"What do you think the Commander is up to this time?" The Baroness asked as the Cobra High Command and the Dreadnoks went to the conference room.

"Well, he hasn't said or done anything but drink in his office for two days since the Birthday Party of Doom," Destro sighed. "That's shorter than his usual down time after a party."

"It has been a quiet two days, hasn't it?" Mindbender asked cheerfully. "Well relatively. If you don't count the Dreadnoks' antics."

"The dinosaur polo races were bad enough," Zartan looked at his team. "What the hell were you doing with all those explosives and chalk?"

"I'm this close to inventing a new kind of fire!" Torch indicated with his fingers. "I'm hoping for something purple!"

Destro sighed. "I shall await the results with baited breath."

"Come in!" Cobra Commander was in an unusually cheerful mood as they entered the conference room. "Come in!"

"He's in a good mood," Zarana remarked. "That's not a bad sign."

"It's not necessarily a good one," Zandar told his sister.

"Commander what is this meeting about?" Destro asked as they all took their seats. He noticed a familiar gold trident on the table before Cobra Commander. "And may I assume it has something to do with that?"

"You may. I've come up with a brilliant idea," Cobra Commander told them.

"Oh God not again," Destro groaned.

"This should be good," The Baroness sighed.

Cobra Commander ignored them. He held up the trident. "Behold the Trident of Cloacina. I will use its power to make Cobra rich!"

"It's the trident of sewer waters," Destro asked. "How can that make us rich?"

"It can make all the water clean," Buzzer remembered. "I'd bet all those environmental blokes would pay through the nose for clean sewers."

"That is…" Zartan paused. "A surprisingly intelligent plan."

"For a Dreadnok," The Baroness huffed.

"That's not what I'm going to use it for," Cobra Commander waved. "I'm going to use it to rob banks!"

"Say what now?" Destro blinked.

"All I have to do," Cobra Commander held the trident. "Is use the trident to flow water through the banks and the water will carry the money away…"

"You're going to use a magic trident that has power over sewers to rob banks?" Destro asked. "Gives a new meaning to the term money laundering."

"If we use sewer water that money has to be laundered," Zartan quipped.

"Hang on," Torch spoke up. "Won't the money get wet? I mean coins are one thing but those bills are gonna get soaked!"

"Mark this day on your calendar people!" Destro spoke up. "This is one for the history books. This is the day a Dreadnok had an intelligent idea!"

"I thought of that," Cobra Commander admitted as he stood up and moved to a tarp covered object near him. "I'm mostly going for change…"

"How about thinking of an intelligent plan?" The Baroness interrupted. "For a change?"

"And I came up with a solution," Cobra Commander pulled back the tarp. Revealing several hair dryers and clothes racks. "Think of it as a project for a rainy day!"

"I think I like Buzzer's idea better," Mindbender remarked. "Having people pay us voluntarily to clean the toxins out of their sewers is a much better idea. Especially if we put more toxins in the water ourselves…"

"That does have merit," Cobra Commander admitted. "But for now, we're going with my plan. I'm not saying that plan is bad…"

"I'm saying your plan is bad," Destro pointed at Cobra Commander. "Commander your plan will literally give us chump change!"

"There's another reason I'm going after change!" Cobra Commander snapped. "One day there will be a severe coin shortage!"

"Right now, there's a brain shortage," The Baroness muttered under her breath.

Cobra Commander didn't even hear her. "When this happens, Cobra will have all the coins and all the power we need! Plus, we can make this even happen a lot quicker!"

"Aren't there like a billion something pennies in the world?" Torch blinked.

"I'm not saying this plan won't take time," Cobra Commander admitted.

"This plan sounds like a waste of our time!" Destro snapped.

"Using literal waste water," Zarana wrinkled her nose. "Ugh…"

"Commander," Xamot spoke up. "We love petty larceny…"

"And robbing banks as much as the next investment banker," Tomax added.

"But this plan is…" Xamot paused.

"Odd," Tomax winced.

"And that's those two saying that!" Torch pointed.

"Think of it as treasure hunting," Cobra Commander told them. "Only instead of digging up treasure, it will flow right to us!"

"Interesting choice of words," Destro winced.

"I can use the trident to make the water clean you jerks!" Cobra Commander snapped. "That means the money will be clean! It's a no brainer!"

"Your words," Zartan added.

"Look we'll go to Singapore," Cobra Commander explained. "That's a huge banking hub and it's practically on top of the ocean as it is. It will be easy!"

"That's not the part of the plan I'm questioning," Destro told him. "I'm concerned…"

"Be more concerned about your place in this organization!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I can replace you Destro!"

"Oh, please do," Destro told him. "I can give you my resignation letter now if you'd like!"

"Me too!" Zartan spoke up.

"And me!" The Baroness added.

"I'll take over Destro's slot if you'd like," Blood Wing spoke up. "I'm not going anywhere. Beats being dead."

"SHUT UP!" Cobra Commander shouted. "Look we're going to Singapore now and we're doing this! Any questions?"

"Yeah, I have one," Buzzer raised his hand. "What exactly have you been drinking lately?"

"Are you into the Kalua and peppermint schnapps again?" Torch asked. "Because we all know you get a little loopy after drinking too much of that."

"Shut up!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Oh God, have you?" Destro asked.

"Commander that is not a good combination for you," Mindbender agreed. "Especially for your brain cells."

"What's left of them!" The Baroness agreed.

"This is a common occurrence?" Blood Wing asked.

"A little too common lately," Destro explained. "That's what he was drinking the first time he decided to write his name on the moon!"

"Technically I was going to put my face on the moon," Cobra Commander corrected. "And we're getting away from the…"

The Baroness interrupted. "And he was drinking that the time he wanted to use a love potion to make money."

"It would have worked if it wasn't for the Joes and that damn crab!" Cobra Commander shouted.

Zandar spoke up. "And remember the time when we were all hiding out in that pyramid and he had the brilliant idea to try to make diamonds out of sand?"

"Theoretically it should have worked!" Cobra Commander snapped.

Torch sighed. "In reality all we got was sand in our shorts."

Mindbender looked at Cobra Commander. "Let me smell your breath."

"ENOUGH!" Cobra Commander stood up and pounded his fists on the desk. "We're doing this! Right now! End of story! End of discussion! Ten minutes! Spaceship! NOW!" He grabbed the trident and walked out of the room.

"Oh, this will not end well," Destro sighed.

"You don't know that," Blood Wing remarked. "This plan might work. You should give him the benefit of the doubt."

"Okay," Destro quipped. "I doubt this plan will work."

"We really should do something about his drinking," Zartan sighed.

"This is why we Dreadnoks mainly drink grape sodas," Torch said. "To keep our minds clear."

"Torch I can honestly say that you Dreadnoks have the clearest minds on the planet," Zartan gave him a look. "Because they're completely empty!"

"Look you all know me," Torch added. "I'm the very last guy to judge a bloke's lifestyle. But uh, this is starting to affect the workplace. And not in a fun way."

"Even we think the Commander is too soused to anyone's own good," Monkeywrench spoke up. "Especially ours!"

The Baroness sighed. "When the Dreadnoks suddenly become the voice of reason…"

"We know," Buzzer sighed. "We're worried about that too."

"Look I know I'm the new guy here," Blood Wing spoke up. "But it seems to me this plan is somewhat plausible. Who's to say that it won't work? And any money we steal has to benefit this organization. So, what's the problem?"

Cobra Commander walked in. "I almost forgot…" He went to a cabinet and pulled out a bottle. By opening a small hole in his helmet, he deftly drank the contents of the bottle by pouring it seamlessly through it.

When he finished the Commander threw the bottle on the floor and opened another bottle. He drank that quickly. Then he pulled out a rather small bottle. He drank that as well. "Ahhh!" Cobra Commander hiccupped. "Minty fresh!"

He looked at his staff. "Let's go people! I want to hit the air right before the buzz hits and the schnapps breath wears off!" He left the room.

Zartan pointed in the direction the Commander left. "Problem."

Blood Wing looked at the group. "We're doomed, aren't we?"

"Pretty much yeah," Torch nodded.

"I should look into other terrorist groups," Destro sighed. "Maybe they're hiring?"

"It's worth a shot," The Crimson Twins groaned in agreement.

A few hours later the spaceship was flying over Singapore. "Singapore! Asia's center of banking…" Cobra Commander cackled as he held the trident. "A ripe target soon will be plundered by Cobra!"

"Again Commander," Destro sighed as he piloted the ship. "I beg you to reconsider this. I don't think you've thought this plan through."

"Or at the very least you should drink some coffee before you try it," Mindbender suggested.

"No time for that!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"No time for thinking about the plan or the coffee?" Ripper asked. "Because if we get one of those instant coffee machines that only takes a minute."

"We don't have one of those because some people think it's unnecessary," Zartan rolled his eyes.

"I'm just saying in a spaceship whose purpose is for destruction coffee might be a bit frivolous," Destro remarked.

"Not when it's captained by a drunk!" Zartan remarked.

"I am not a drunk!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I'm only slightly buzzed. I commit terrorism better this way!"

"The frightening part is," Destro sighed. "That's actually true."

"Just open the hatch," Cobra Commander ordered. The other Cobras moved to the other side of the spaceship.

"Uh Commander…?" Destro began to caution. "You might want to rethink…"

"You might want to rethink contradicting me!" Cobra Commander snapped. "OPEN THE HATCH!"

"As you wish," Destro sighed as Cobra Commander made his way to the hatch. He pushed the button.

Cobra Commander preened for about a second. That was all he had until he was almost sucked out the hatch. "AAAAAHHH!"

"As I was saying," Destro sighed. "You might want to rethink opening the hatch until we come to a full stop."

"AAAAAHHH!" Cobra Commander was halfway out of the hatch. Only by holding the trident horizontally across the door was he able to not fly out completely. "CLOSE THE HATCH! CLOSE THE HATCH!"

"Yeah, do that while he's halfway out," Torch quipped. "The door might cut him in half!"

"DON'T DO THAT UNTIL I'M INSIDE!" Cobra Commander screamed. "NOT UNTIL I'M INSIDE!"

Destro casually stopped the ship. Cobra Commander kept screaming. "PULL ME IN! PULL ME IN!"

Buzzer and Torch sighed as they went to get Cobra Commander. "You fools nearly killed me!" Cobra Commander snapped as he was pulled in.

"Oh well," Torch said cheerfully. "Maybe next time?"

Zartan whispered to Destro, the Baroness and Mindbender. "I told you we needed a Keurig machine on this ship!"

"Okay fine!" Destro hissed back as he closed the hatch. "We'll install one in when we get back!"

"Okay…" Cobra Commander took a deep breath. "We've stopped. Is there a way to open a window instead?"

Destro calmly pushed a button allowing one of the large windows of the spaceship to go down. "You couldn't have done that before?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Never mind! Okay are we over a bank?"

"Right below us," Destro pointed.

"Good," Cobra Commander waved his trident and pointed it out the window. "Trident of Cloacina! Flood the bank! I command you!"

RRRRURRRRUUMMMBBLLEEE!

"Yes! WATER! FLOW INTO THE BUILDING AND TAKE ALL THE MONEY YOU CAN GET!" Cobra Commander cackled as the water burst from sewer pipes all over, flooding the streets.

"Why is it all brown?" Monkeywrench asked.

"Oh, that's because that water came through the sewers," Torch explained. "And as you know sewers are connected to toilets. Which…"

"I think we can figure the rest Torch!" The Baroness snapped.

"Yes, the smell is rather a large clue," Mindbender winced. "Ugh the last time I smelled anything that bad I had forgotten to clean my lab and put away my mold spores before I went to that Mad Scientist Convention in Atlantic City."

"Oops," Cobra Commander blinked. "I did not think that would happen."

"Really?" Destro looked at him. "I'm shocked."

"Well, the bank is being completely flooded anyway and taking out the money," Cobra Commander told him.

"As well as chairs, desks," Destro noticed. "People…"

"Wow you can barely hear the screams," Ripper remarked.

"Let me turn on the outside microphones," Mindbender pushed some buttons.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"Much better," Ripper nodded. "Thanks mate!"

"Wow," Torch remarked. "You know Scrooge Mc Duck makes swimming in money look a lot easier than it really is!"

"To be fair there's more than money in there," The Baroness winced. "Again, the smell…"

"Doesn't that trident get rid of impurities?" Buzzer asked.

"It does but that would mean getting rid of the money as well," Cobra Commander explained. "Oh wait…That means stealing all those hair dryers and racks was a waste of time."

"Starting to think that my entire career with Cobra is a waste of time," Destro groaned.

"Starting?" Zartan asked.

Buzzer nodded. "Do you hear car alarms?"

"Yes, because the flood is now washing away several cars," Destro pointed. "And more people…"

RRRRRUUMMMMBBLLEE!

"And one building…" Destro winced.

"Okay let's get the cash and get out of here!" Cobra Commander told his crew. "My buzz is starting to wear off."

"And how are we going to get the money into the spaceship without wrecking it?" Destro snapped. "Or flooding it?"

"Well, I'm going to…" Cobra Commander paused. "Uh…"

"Not to mention separate it from all the dirt and debris?" Destro added.

"As well as the dead bodies," The Baroness groaned. "And other unspeakable objects."

"This is the part of the plan I was questioning," Destro told him.

"Oh…" Cobra Commander paused. The trident stopped glowing. "Never mind. Let's go home."

"We're not taking any money?" Buzzer shouted.

"If you want to go down there and scoop some up be my guest!" Cobra Commander snapped. "But you have to clean it up first! And your shoes before you come back inside!"

"You've never complained how clean our shoes were before!" Monkeywrench snapped.

"We have," Destro explained. "But it's further down the list. After your lack of general hygiene. Your stupidity. Your incompetence. Your recklessness…"

"Your fleas," The Baroness glared at them.

"That was just once!" Torch snapped. "And we all know that was when Crusher had that hyena for a week!"

"And then it ran away," Tomax added.

"Because it couldn't take the incessant laughing," Xamot added.

"Now that I think about it," Zartan frowned. "I'm pretty sure the hyena got the fleas from Crusher."

"Maybe if we had a huge net…?" Torch thought aloud.

A few hours later…

"Goodness," Destro said sarcastically as they returned to Cobra Island. "What could have gone wrong with such a well thought out plan?"

"Ooh! Ooh!" Torch held up his hand. "I know! Everything!"

"It wasn't a complete failure!" Cobra Commander snapped as they disembarked from the spaceship. "We did some major damage to the banking industry and wrecked an entire city!"

"As well as an ecosystem," Destro added.

Cobra Commander snapped. "Any day in the terrorism game where you wreck something and are still alive with all your limbs attached is a good day!"

"I hate to say it," Zartan sighed. "But the Commander has a point."

"So, the day was not completely wasted," Blood Wing spoke up. "Perhaps we should try that idea of using the trident to clean poison infested waters and forcing cities to pay us?"

"It might actually be worth a…" Cobra Commander admitted when he noticed Wild Weasel walking up to him with a large box in his hands. "What's that?"

"A present for you, Cobra Commander!" Wild Weasel said as he handed him the box. "From MODOK!"

"Ooh! Gifts!" Cobra Commander squealed. He went to a table to put it down and open it. "I wonder what it is?"

"Here's a card," Destro took it and read. "Many happy returns Cobra Commander. Or in this case…I'm happy to return this. MODOK. Uh oh…"

"TA DA!" Crystal Ball called out as he was revealed. "Honey, I'm home!"

"NOOO!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Admit it," Crystal Ball remarked. "You missed me!"

"You know what they say," Cobra Commander remarked. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder. In your case I was fond of your absence."

"Some things never change," Zartan quipped. Everyone looked at him. "Well, somebody had to say it!"