Leader Of The Ding A Ling Ring
"All right everyone," Cobra Commander called the meeting to order. "I realize yesterday was not the best planned caper."
"Oh, that's good that you do," Destro sighed. "Saves us the time of explaining it to you."
"But we still managed to cause major damage and destruction to the banking industry," Cobra Commander went on. "Let's just get back on the proverbial horse and do some more heinous crimes. A simple caper that even the Dreadnoks can do."
"Oh, this bodes well," Crystal Ball quipped as he sat on the table.
"Cobra needs to stay relevant," Cobra Commander explained. "We need to show people that we are capable of anything. Yet still be fun and edgy. Therefore, I have decided that tonight we will go to Beverly Hills and raid a home of one of the world's most well-known celebrities. Steal from that celebrity. And then party in that house! And then post pictures online to prove we were there!"
"So your plan in its entirety," Destro paused. "Is to raid some celebrities' home. Steal from it. And post pictures of us partying in the place?"
"Exactly," Cobra Commander nodded. "It's a fun caper that people will be talking about!"
"That's what I'm worried about," Destro groaned. "Specifically, the people in law enforcement."
"You realize this caper is ripping off the Bling Ring, right?" The Baroness snapped.
"The Who?" Torch blinked.
"No, not the rock band," Ripper spoke up. "She's talking about those teenagers that ripped off all those celebrities while they were partying. And posted pictures of it."
"That's just stupid," Torch remarked. "And that's me saying it!"
"Glad you did," Zartan quipped.
"I mean the point of committing a crime is to not get caught!" Torch shouted. "Why would you post something online where everyone…Including the cops can figure it out?"
"Well, they were teenagers so…" The Baroness sighed. "Their critical thinking development wasn't exactly fully formed at that age."
"We're ripping off teenagers," Destro groaned. "We've sunk to a new low."
"Destro we're deliberately doing this for good press," Cobra Commander said. "Or bad press. We're terrorists so bad press is good press for us."
"We think…" Xamot began.
"This is ridiculous," Tomax added.
"Then you two idiots can stay home and guard the base!" Cobra Commander shouted.
The twins looked at each other. "Okay," Xamot said.
"Sounds good to me," Tomax added.
"Can I stay with them?" Destro asked.
"No!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"So which celebrity are we going to steal from?" The Baroness asked.
"That's where my team of experts comes in," Cobra Commander told them.
"What experts?" Destro asked.
"Don't look at us," Buzzer remarked. "We weren't asked anything!"
"Except maybe to take a shower," The Baroness glared at him. "And put on a flea collar."
"I recruited a group of experts we already had who are the best at figuring out our prime target," Cobra Commander waved.
"Who are?" Destro asked.
"You are not going to like this," Crystal Ball told him.
"Hey! We're here!" Julian, Hannibal, Napoleon and Philip the four teenage clones walked in.
"These are your experts?" The Baroness shouted.
"You were right," Destro looked at Crystal Ball. "I don't!"
"Score another accurate prediction for the Crystal Ball!" Crystal Ball cheered. "What? I'm trying out new catchphrases."
"A bit wordy," Cobra Commander remarked. "But I saw where you were going with that. It has potential."
"Sadly, this new scheme of yours doesn't," Destro groaned.
"If I thought this plan was bad before…" The Baroness groaned.
"Just hear them out, all right?" Cobra Commander told her. "Tell us what we need to know."
"That's probably a lot," Julius snorted. The clones snickered.
"Seriously though," Philip spoke up. He turned on a nearby monitor and showed a picture. "This is one of the hottest stars on the planet. Darius Daimon Drakes. Or as he's known by his rapping name, Triple D Threat."
"The man has won Grammys for his rap albums," Hannibal explained. "A Tony for writing his play about that chick who chopped up her parents with an axe. He got an Oscar for his performance in the movie Tell Me What The Mountie Said. And everybody knows he won a lot of TV awards when he was on that TV show It's Always Raining In Worcester."
"So, he's an EGOT," The Baroness remarked.
"You would think that but he's surprisingly pretty down to Earth," Julius told her. "Gives a lot of money to charity and stuff."
"And the latest charity he is going to give to is us!" Cobra Commander grinned.
"He's going to be at this VMAXMA Awards show," Hannibal explained. "Getting a lifetime achievement award."
Zartan blinked. "Isn't he only twenty-five?"
"He started young in the business," Philip shrugged. "Anyway, his house in Beverly Hills is going to be totally unguarded and we can bust in. Steal some stuff. Take some pics…"
"Yes! This is going to be a caper that they will write about for years!" Cobra Commander said.
"You never specified who will write about us," Destro pointed out. "That's the part that concerns me."
"This will be easy," Cobra Commander waved. "We break in. Steal a few things. Take a few pictures of us in the mansion. Get out. What could go wrong?"
FLASHFORWARD TO THAT NIGHT IN BEVERLY HILLS…
WHEEE-OOO! WHEEE-OOO! WHEEE-OOOO!
"WILL YOU SHUT OFF THAT DAMN ALARM?" Cobra Commander screamed at Mindbender. He held his hands over his helmet.
"I'm working as fast as I can!" Mindbender shouted as he worked on the security system inside the mansion. "This system is more complicated than at some museums we've looted!"
The alarm died. "There! I did it!" Mindbender sighed.
"Yeah, you did it all right," Crystal Ball quipped as he was being held by Zandar. "You alerted the security company!"
"I've got this," Zartan told them as he put a lifelike mask over his face. "I had a feeling we were going to need a diversion." He punched in some numbers on his phone.
"What are you doing?" Destro asked.
"Calling the security system," Zartan told him. "They have the help number right on the box here. Let me handle this."
Zartan called the help line. He changed his voice and mannerisms. "Hey yo. This is Triple D here. Sorry man I triggered the alarm by accident."
"Again?" The operator on the other side of the line sighed. "How drunk are you sir?"
"It's all good," Zartan waved. "All good, man. My driver brought me home and I'm just chillin…"
"Yeah, we figured that," The operator sighed.
"I'm so sorry bro," Zartan said. "I punched in a one instead of a three you know how it is."
"Yes, sir," The operator sighed. "We do work with celebrities. And it is award season. Oh, for crying out loud…Charlie Sheen's has gone off again? Ugh!"
"I'll let you go!" Zartan said. "Sorry man. Triple D out…" He hung up the phone.
"That was awesome!" Philip gasped. The teens were there but the Dreadnoks weren't.
"You sounded just like him!" Hannibal gasped.
Zartan took off his mask and took a bow. "Acting!"
"Look let's just get to work before someone notices," Cobra Commander snapped.
"Uh…" Crystal Ball looked to the side.
Five dead security guards were on the floor. "Let me rephrase that," Cobra Commander paused. "Before anyone else notices."
Blood Wing had finished feasting on one of the guards. "That guy tasted pretty good. A little light on the white blood count for my taste but…"
Destro groaned. "I get why Blood Wing killed one guard. He needed a snack. But did you lot have to kill them all?"
"It just sort of happened!" Cobra Commander protested. "I shot one on a reflex!"
"Me too," Zarana admitted.
"Me three," The Baroness shrugged. "They were just such easy targets!"
"Who killed the fifth one?" Destro then noticed something. "Oh…" He pulled out a ninja throwing star from the guard's forehead.
"That's mine," Zartan took it. "What? They were easy to kill!"
"Can we party now?" Julius asked.
"Yeah, go ahead," Cobra Commander waved. The teens whooped and ran through the mansion. "Remember you're here on a job! Steal something valuable! Kids today."
"Why didn't we bring the Dreadnoks?" Zartan asked. "And instead, we brought the Dennis The Menace Tribute band?"
"Because the Dreadnoks are basically children and vice versa," The Baroness snapped. "And I refuse to babysit both at the same time!"
"Besides we're going for glamor and celebrity value!" Cobra Commander snapped. "If we ever raid a pig farm those idiots would be perfect."
"You know what would be perfect?" Destro asked. "If we left right now!"
"Calm down Destro," Cobra Commander waved. "Thanks to Zartan we've bought ourselves some time. Let's check this place out. And start looting! We need some valuables!"
"Starting with the wine cellar," Crystal Ball quipped.
"Ooh! Good idea," Cobra Commander said as he took Crystal Ball from Zandar. "At least one of you is on the ball. Well in the ball technically…Destro come with me! The rest of you fan out and grab all the valuables you can! And take lots of pictures!"
"That's why The Baroness and I have our bloody cameras," Zarana rolled her eyes.
"Ugh…" Destro sighed as he followed Cobra Commander.
"I don't why Destro is complaining about this," Zandar remarked. "I mean a lot of celebrities have more valuables than some museums."
"This plan isn't that bad," Blood Wing added. "I can see lots of valuables we can steal. I'll bet there are tons of valuables in his bedroom alone."
"Yeah if a bunch of high schoolers can do this for months on end…" Zarana admitted.
VRRROOOM! VROOOM!
"WHOOO HOOO!" The sound of the teens whooping it up and riding some kind of vehicles was heard.
"You remember they eventually got caught right?" The Baroness reminded them. "Because they were idiots! That posted everything online! I mean teenagers don't have the necessary judgement skills to successfully pull off criminal capers for long."
"I don't know," Blood Wing remarked. "I knew some teenage emperors and pirates that were rather level headed. Except that one pirate who got drunk and ran his ship aground. Oh, and that teenage emperor who totally didn't see his advisors poisoning him at his party. And that other emperor who thought it was a great idea to party near the edge of an active volcano and…I see your point."
"Come on," Mindbender said. "Let's check this place out!"
"I'll check out downstairs," Blood Wing told them as he left the group.
It wasn't long before they were inside an enormous club room. "Wow…" Mindbender whistled. "This is giving me ideas on how to decorate my lab."
"Oh, this is one of those houses that has a stripper pole," Zartan paused. "Say…"
"Don't even think about it!" Both Zarana and The Baroness shouted.
"Yeah, because I've got dibs!" Mindbender squealed as he went up there. He started whirling around. "Someone take my picture!"
"Better him than us," Zarana sighed as she started taking pictures.
"Is it really?" The Baroness groaned.
"I didn't say much better," Zarana admitted.
"Let's check out the bedroom," Zandar suggested.
"Good idea," Zartan nodded as they left the others.
"Turn on the music!" Mindbender ordered. "I need to get in the groove!"
"Why not?" The Baroness reluctantly turned on a stereo system.
"Oh yeah!" Mindbender twirled around. "Pump up the jam! Pump it up baby! OH YEAH! OH THE CAMERA LOVES ME!"
"I think the use of the word love is a bit strong," The Baroness remarked. "Tolerates might be a better expression."
"I think we hit the jackpot," Zandar said as he and Zartan walked up to them carrying several bags and boxes.
"There are literally bags and boxes of cash all over the place!" Zartan explained. "And expensive watches…Some of this stuff still has price tags on them!"
"Load them up and put them on the ship," Cobra Commander ordered as he walked in with Destro and Crystal Ball. "And then help me load up some crates of champagne I found."
"Baroness, Zarana you two finish stealing anything valuable upstairs," Destro ordered. "Zartan and Zandar after you load those first bags and boxes in the ship you can come help the Commander and I steal the alcohol."
"Yeah, I think I got more than enough shots here," Zarana admitted as she left.
"One was too many," The Baroness grumbled as she followed her.
"Why can't you get the teenagers to help?" Zartan protested.
BOOOM!
The house shook for a moment. "Honestly I don't think it's a good idea to have that much alcohol around impressionable minors," Cobra Commander told him.
"OH WOW!" Julius was heard. "LET'S BLOW UP ANOTHER ONE!"
"Good point," Zartan sighed as he and his brother went to put the bags away.
"Should we be seeing what those teenage terrors are doing?" Destro asked.
"Ehh…" Cobra Commander shrugged. "Although I wish I wasn't seeing this!"
Mindbender was twirling around and singing. "If you're a party animal get on the floor! If you're a hot scientist! Get on the floor! YEAAH!"
"Mindbender is enjoying the stripper pole way too much," Destro blinked.
"I wish I could say this was the most disturbing thing we've seen him do," Cobra Commander sighed. "But it's not even in the top ten."
"Remember his Madonna phase?" Destro asked. "Where he'd dance in short shorts with a battalion of break-dancing BATS?"
"I also remember his Lady Gaga phase," Cobra Commander added. "Which was very similar only with body glitter and the BATS had weird costumes."
"Mindbender in da club! YAHHH!"
"Let's just get back to the looting," Cobra Commander sighed.
"Yes, let's…" Destro groaned as they left the room. "MINDBENDER! THAT'S ENOUGH GYRATING! WE HAVE WORK TO DO!"
"Awww…" Mindbender stopped. "Say…"
"No, you can't take the stripper pole!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Awww…" Mindbender pouted.
"Just help the women steal whatever's upstairs!" Cobra Commander ordered.
The two went downstairs. "I swear to God I have morons on my payroll," Cobra Commander groaned.
"When was the last time we were actually paid?" Destro realized.
"There you go," Crystal Ball quipped. "You get what you pay for."
"Seriously," Destro added. "I can't remember the last time I actually got any money I didn't steal directly. From other sources of course."
"Fine! I'll get someone to work on the payroll," Cobra Commander grumbled. "And actually make a payroll."
"That would be a good start," Crystal Ball remarked.
VRRRROOOM! VRROOM! VROOOM!
CRASH!
"I don't want to know…" Cobra Commander sighed as he ignored the racket outside. "I don't want to know. I…. OH, FOR THE LOVE OF THE SERPENT GOD'S WIFE!"
Blood Wing was caught sucking on the blood of a tiny dog. "Ooh…" He put the dog down. "Didn't think you'd be down so soon. Uh. Sit boy. Sit. Heel. Good boy."
"Decompose boy," Crystal Ball quipped. "Decompose!"
"YOU ATE A DOG?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"I was still hungry," Blood Wing shrugged. "Oh, come on! That thing was practically an appetizer!"
"You already ate before," Cobra Commander pointed out.
"Dessert then," Blood Wing waved.
"I thought you only liked to eat the blood of lizards!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"You actually bought that?" Crystal Ball asked. "Seriously?"
"Oh yes this is a caper that they will write about," Destro groaned. "Specifically in psychology journals!"
"So, when we woke you up you could have technically eaten us?" Cobra Commander realized.
"Yes well…" Blood Wing admitted. "I didn't want to be rude. You did just bring me back to life. Manners are important."
"They really are," Crystal Ball agreed.
Zandar walked up to them. "Why is the swimming pool on fire?"
"So many morons," Cobra Commander sighed. "So many morons on my payroll."
"You don't have a payroll!" Destro snapped. "We've just established the fact that we haven't been paid in years! Possibly decades…"
"Oh my God!" Zandar gasped. "You're right!"
"You haven't been paying your troops?" Blood Wing asked.
"Didn't you think it was weird you haven't been paid?" Crystal Ball asked.
"I'm a vampire," Blood Wing waved. "We're not exactly concerned with cash flow."
Zandar blinked. "Is that a dead dog?"
"Blood Wing ate it," Destro explained.
"Eh better that than us," Zandar shrugged.
"See?" Blood Wing said to Cobra Commander. "It's not that weird."
"I didn't say it wasn't weird," Zandar pointed out. "I just said it was better than any of us. There's a difference."
"Well, I'm not going to eat the Dreadnoks," Blood Wing grumbled. "Too unsanitary."
"I see your point on that," Destro remarked. "And the dog is less hairy."
"I'm already dead and don't have a body," Crystal Ball added.
"And I don't want to think about what kind of drugs are in Cobra Commander's system," Blood Wing added. "Or Mindbender's for that matter."
"Okay I get the message," Cobra Commander groaned.
"I definitely wouldn't eat Destro," Blood Wing added.
"Why not?" Destro asked.
"Scottish blood disagrees with me," Blood Wing admitted. "Nothing personal."
"None taken," Destro shrugged. "Good to know actually."
"I think I'm Scottish on my mother's side," Zandar added.
"Since when?" Destro snapped.
"This group has the dumbest conversations I have ever heard," Cobra Commander. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
"Commander," The Baroness shouted as she approached the group with her team carrying bags. "There's something we need to discuss."
"Good anything is better than this drivel I'm listening to now," Cobra Commander admitted.
"We were just talking," Zarana spoke up. "Does anyone remember the last time any of us were actually paid?"
Cobra Commander waited a beat. "How about Italian blood?" He asked Blood Wing. "Everybody loves Italian. Or does all the garlic they eat…?"
"We went over this," Destro interrupted. "None of us have been paid in a long time."
"Possibly decades," Crystal Ball added.
"I think I just remembered my last paycheck," Mindbender realized. "It was in the 90's!"
"You've been making us work for free for how long?" The Baroness shouted.
"To be fair that's when we got stuck in that damn pyramid," Cobra Commander snapped. "And you lot have been stealing from me over the years!"
"Not enough!" Zarana snapped.
"Uh we have a problem," Zartan walked over to them.
"Yes!" Zarana told her brother. "We haven't been bloody paid since the 90's!"
"I was referring to…" Zartan blinked. "Hang on. Oh my God!"
"I know," Zandar groaned. "The three of us of all people should have realized that years ago!"
"Look it's been a rough couple of decades!" Cobra Commander shouted. "I admit it! Things got off track!"
"You owe us money you snake!" Zandar snapped. "A lot of it!"
"I feel like such an idiot!" Zartan groaned. "NOT ONE WORD CRYSTAL BALL!"
"Now you know how your Dreadnoks feel," Crystal Ball quipped.
"I said not one word!" Zartan snapped.
"This should help you relate to them," Crystal Ball added gleefully. "Technically those were more than one word."
"You see why I get so annoyed with him right?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Oh yeah I get it now," Zartan grumbled.
"So will Cobra Commander if he doesn't pay us!" Zarana spoke up. "Who else has been chiseling us?"
"How much you want to bet the twin twits have been embezzling every chance they get?" The Baroness snapped.
"More than you lot?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Hang on. That actually makes sense. Weren't they in charge of finances?"
"Son of a…" Realization hit Destro.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"Was that screaming out there?" Blood Wing blinked.
"Oh, right…" Zartan realized. "That. That's what I came in to tell you in the first place."
"What happened?" Destro sighed.
"Well, the kids decided to do some kind of weird stunt involving skateboarding off the roof and jumping over the fire in the pool," Zartan explained. "I told them to wait until I got you guys. Apparently, they couldn't."
They went outside and saw that the swimming pool was only partially on fire. A charred corpse was floating in the non-burning end. The other three clones were stunned. "At least I got it on film," Philip said weakly.
"You could send it in to America's Stupidest Deaths," The Baroness quipped.
"I feel like somebody really should have been supervising them," Zartan remarked. "Not me of course. But somebody should have."
"See what I mean about critical thinking skills?" The Baroness pointed.
"HE'S DEAD!" Napoleon screamed. "JULIUS IS DEAD!"
"I saw that coming!" Crystal Ball quipped.
"Now that's a good catchphrase!" Mindbender spoke up. "Shame though. Julius had such potential."
"Not really," Cobra Commander remarked.
Destro added. "The original Serpentor was enough of a disaster."
"And these clones are literal disasters," Crystal Ball added.
"Okay you've had your fun!" Cobra Commander ordered. "Now clean this up!"
"But Julius is dead!" Hannibal wailed.
"All that means is that the three of you can divide up his stuff," Cobra Commander ordered. "Just get to work. And that goes for the rest of you. Let's keep looting!" They left the three teens.
"I mean seriously," Zartan remarked. "Someone should have been watching them."
"I agree," Destro added. "Cobra Commander, you dropped the ball again!"
"How is this my fault?" Cobra Commander snapped. "The Crimson twins should have been watching them!"
"The Crimson twins aren't here," Zandar said.
"Exactly!" Cobra Commander spoke up.
"Yeah, let's blame them," Mindbender spoke up.
"I agree," Zartan added. "They're to blame for this and for not paying us!"
"Good enough for me," Zarana nodded.
"Yes," Blood Wing nodded. "Let them get the blame. Does anyone else hear sirens?"
"Uh yeah…" Crystal Ball blinked. "And they're getting closer."
"Oh crap," Cobra Commander groaned. "Okay everyone in the ship! NOW! NOW! NOW!"
"What about the teenage twits?" Zarana asked as they ran towards the spaceship.
"You know what?" Cobra Commander asked. "Let's just leave them. What's left of them. They're not that important anyway."
"Yeah, they're big clones," Mindbender nodded as they boarded the ship. "Time for them to leave the nest and be on their own."
It wasn't long before they were in the air. "It's a shame we didn't have more time," Cobra Commander remarked. "There was a lot in that wine cellar I could have stolen."
"There's still plenty of other houses," Blood Wing told him. "There's lots of celebrities in this neighborhood."
"Yes!" Mindbender checked his computer. "According to the data I was able to get from real estate listings the celebrities in this neighborhood are many! Rock star Van Von Vamm! Supermodel and all-around beauty Vanna White. Legendary producer Loame Blue. Oh we're right over Alec Baldwin's house right now!"
"Really?" The Baroness raised an eyebrow. "That house right there?"
"Yes!" Mindbender nodded.
"Hang on," The Baroness casually went to the controls and pushed a few buttons.
ZAAAAAAAAAAPP!
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"You just blew up Alec Baldwin's house?" Zartan was stunned. "WHY?"
"I don't know," The Baroness shrugged. "It just felt right to me for some reason."
"I think Woody Allen's got a place around here," Zarana remarked. "I want to take a potshot at that!"
"Fine as long as we get credit for it," Cobra Commander waved.
"I'll take a selfie," Zarana nodded.
"Is Lorenzo di Bonaventura around here?" Cobra Commander asked. "I'd like to have a few words with him."
"Looks like he's not here," Mindbender remarked. "But we can always look him up later."
ZAAPPPP!
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"HA! GOT YOU WOODY ALLEN YOU PERVERTED BASTARD!" Zarana whooped.
"You know he's not in there, right?" Mindbender asked.
"Next time then," Zarana growled.
"Hang on," Cobra Commander said. "I want to do one more stop. Mindbender look up the location of the set of Celebrity House!"
"Isn't that the reality show where all those C and D list celebrities do stupid stunts in one last desperate attempt to grab for fame and fortune?" Crystal Ball asked. "And as I said that sentence aloud…"
"They're filming three blocks from here," Mindbender checked the data.
"Excellent," Cobra Commander nodded. "Let's go!"
"Wait," Destro blinked. "You're a fan of this show?"
"Not exactly," Cobra Commander told him.
A very short time later…
"Well, that was satisfying," Cobra Commander said as the gang sat around a large table sipping drinks by a pool.
"A bit messy…" Destro looked around them. There were several dead bodies all around them. Some fires were in bushes and on broken furniture. There was a huge hole in the wall of the mansion.
"We let the camera crew go and most of the staff," Cobra Commander told him. "It's a rough economy! It's not their fault they had to work on a lousy job!"
"We only killed the stars, the director and a few dozen producers," Zartan told him. He sipped the drink. "We spared the bartender, right?"
"Right after he made us these drinks," Cobra Commander nodded as he sipped his drink through a straw in his mask.
"Oh good," Zartan nodded.
"So, we let go a ton of witnesses who are blabbing to the police as we speak?" Destro looked at them.
"The police are too busy dealing with the A List home we set on fire," The Baroness remarked. "And the murders we committed there. And the other celebrity homes we blew up. Trust me. We have time."
"I'm starting to feel like we've strayed from our original goal of ruling the world," Destro remarked. "Just a tad."
"Oh please," Cobra Commander waved. "Part of ruling the world is improving it. We just murdered a bunch of D list reality stars. Trust me. We did the world a favor."
"I must admit," The Baroness remarked. "I think that particular herd does need to be culled just a bit."
"Well, we did our part," Blood Wing remarked. "Except for that one woman and that key grip I just turned into turkey vampires. Don't worry. I put them in that bush over there. They won't wake up for another hour."
"The key grip I get," Destro remarked. "Which woman?"
"One of the celebrities," Blood Wing thought. "I want to say Tonya. But that's not right."
"Hang on," Zandar walked over and looked in the bush. "It's Terri Terrison. She's that Hallmark actress that's been on a few soap operas."
"Oh I like her," Zarana said. "Good to see you spared her."
"Spared in the most liberal sense," Destro paused.
"There's not enough of my species in the world!" Blood Wing told him. "I'm just doing my part!"
"Making the world weird again!" Crystal Ball quipped.
"You know I just had a thought," Zartan remarked. "I know this might sound strange to some of you. But I just thought…Isn't it weird how we've been able to kill a lot of other people lately? And yet no matter how many times we try…"
"We can't even wing one GI Joe," Cobra Commander finished his thought.
"It's not just me?" Zartan asked.
"It's not just you," Destro admitted. "That is strange, isn't it?"
"To be fair they haven't gotten any of us," The Baroness pointed out. "Actually, we've been killing our own quite a bit as well."
"I prefer to think of it as disposing of the weak links in the chain of command," Cobra Commander waved.
"Well then why are the Dreadnoks still alive?" Destro asked.
"Because those people are human cockroaches," Cobra Commander explained. "And I don't mean that in a good way!"
"Again, I think we're straying from the topic," Destro added. "Cobra has strayed from its goal of ruling the world."
"Look Destro it's not that simple," Cobra Commander told him. "Today's terrorists have to stand out in a crowd where anybody and I do mean anybody can cause mass terror. Cobra does things that no one ever thinks of!"
"And it hasn't occurred to you that there's a reason for that?" Destro sighed.
"Look we're terrorists," Cobra Commander told him. "We want to rule the world yes. But you know something? I've learned something after all these years. It's not just the destination. It's the journey."
"Really?" The Baroness sipped her drink. "Because it feels like we've been stuck in the wilderness for forty years!"
"Hang on…" Mindbender did some mental calculations. "We started in 1982 and this is 2014…And if you add…Yeah that sounds about right."
Cobra Commander sighed. "Although I must admit Destro, you do have a point. Lately I've been caring mostly about short term goals and partying rather than my usual brilliant long-range schemes. I don't know. I feel like a lot of things I've done are pretty pointless lately."
"Oh good," Destro remarked. "It's not just us."
Cobra Commander thought aloud. "Is it possible to have a midlife crisis when you are thousands of years old?"
"In your case," The Baroness remarked. "Yes."
Zartan perked up. "Anybody else hear sirens?"
"Yes," Destro realized.
"Time to go!" Cobra Commander finished his drink.
Not long after the spaceship docked back at Cobra Island…
"See that was a fun night out!" Cobra Commander said as they disembarked.
"For whom?" Destro asked.
"RARRRRRRRRRRRR!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" The Crimson Twins were heard screaming.
"Now what?" Destro groaned.
"By the sounds of it," Zartan paused. "It sounds like the Dreadnoks were holding some kind of mutant dinosaur rodeo again and the Twin Twits got caught in the middle of it."
"AAAAAHHHHH!" The Crimson Twins ran by screaming.
"WHOOO HOOO!" Torch whooped as he rode some kind of large purple horned triceratops after them. "RIDE 'EM DINO! WHOOO!"
"You called it," The Baroness admitted to Zartan.
"After hanging with the Dreadnoks all these years you get a sense for these things," Zartan admitted.
"Oh right," Mindbender realized. "There are mutant dinosaurs on this island too. I'd forgotten about that."
"You forgot about the monsters you made?" Destro shouted.
"First of all," Mindbender corrected. "I've made thousands of creatures and all kinds of monstrosities in my career. And secondly, I don't think I personally made that dinosaur. It's parents maybe but not that one."
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
"Should we do something?" Zandar asked. "Besides make popcorn and tape this?"
"I'm pretty sure the security cameras have gotten most of the footage we can use," Mindbender waved. "I'll play with that later. Oh! It will be a fun movie night!"
"We haven't had one of those in ages," The Baroness realized. "I could go for that."
"Assuming we won't be on America's Most Wanted," Destro groaned.
"Destro, we achieved our goal of celebrity mayhem. All we have to do now is post the better pictures online," Cobra Commander paused. "Does anyone know how to do that?"
"The clones did," The Baroness looked at him.
"Oh right," Cobra Commander blinked.
"I've got this," Mindbender sighed as he took the cameras. "I post stuff all the time on my Mace Book Page."
"You mean Face Book page?" Destro blinked.
"No," Mindbender shook his head. "This is more specialized towards mad scientists that…You know what? I'm oversharing."
"Speaking of which," Destro sighed. "I feel that this is oversharing and that we leave well enough alone. That we don't need to post these pictures online."
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're going to figure out it was us," Zartan agreed. "What with all the destruction. And fire. And physical evidence we left at the crime scene. What wasn't burned."
"No! I want the world to know about Cobra's great deeds!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Both of them?" Crystal Ball quipped.
"When was that?" Blood Wing asked.
"This is how we stay on top!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"This is how the prosecution will build a case against us!" Destro shouted.
"Oh, like we haven't escaped a dozen times when we do get caught?" Cobra Commander snapped. "I'm getting a drink."
"Can we take a picture and post that rare event?" Crystal Ball asked.
"Somebody take this!" Cobra Commander shoved Crystal Ball into Zartan's hands. "I should have left you behind as well!"
"Next time I'll remind you!" Crystal Ball called out as Cobra Commander left. "Okay it's not just me, right?"
"I wish it was," Zartan sighed.
"Cobra has turned into the Ding A Ling Ring," Destro groaned. "I think it's time I brush up my resume."
"Me too," The Baroness agreed.
"Couldn't hurt," Mindbender agreed.