CW: Discussion of SA (end of chapter)
"Harper, can we talk?"
Bucky watched the brunette freeze in the process of bringing her fork to her mouth. The spear of asparagus on the prongs swayed slightly. The brunette's brows furrowed with concern. "Of course, hun."
Bucky took a deep breath, stealing himself for the conversation to come. "So… I've been having a hard time since Steve left."
"Mhmm," she hummed her acknowledgement and tipped her head in a nod.
She had the good grace not to say anything about his understatement. In the past week and a half, he had really been struggling. He was hardly sleeping, had no appetite, had no motivation to do much of anything at all. His mind was constantly racing, speeding back and forth between sadness for yet more time lost in his life and deep distress that Steve was no longer with him. Even when he was in hiding in Bucharest and then in Wakanda, it was a comfort to know that Steve was out there fighting the good fight like he always had. Who was he without his punk best friend? The only other person in the world who could possibly understand what it felt like to wake up in the future and be so out of his depth, so homesick for a place impossible to return to? How could he be sure that he couldn't do anymore harm – that he hadn't been corrupted to his core – without the beacon of rightness he had relied on for his entire conscious life?
"I feel like maybe I need to reconnect with my roots to figure out some things."
The brunette gazed at him evenly, face neutral. After a moment, she asked, "How can I help with that?"
It wasn't the response he had been expecting, but he let out a small sigh of relief. Maybe this conversation wouldn't be a disaster. He explained, "Well, my roots are in Brooklyn. I need to figure out where to set up shop pretty soon so that I can comply with the mandatory therapy and all that. It isn't that I want there to be distance between us, but I really think that I need to be back in New York for a little while. I was wondering if you could help me figure out how to make that happen?"
He saw something flash in her eyes, but it was gone before he could assign a label to it. With a small smile, she nodded. "Yeah, I can do that."
They were seated on the floor, legs extended beneath the coffee table as they had done so many dinners before. Hip to hip, it was with ease that he twisted to wrap her in his arms and pulled her into his chest.
He muttered a promise against her hair, "Brooklyn won't be forever. Unless when you see it you realize New York is the superior city and ditch Boston."
She smiled against his shoulder. "Never going to happen. You can keep your enormous sewer rats, rude people, and impossibly slow transportation systems."
He pressed a kiss atop her head and breathed a chuckle. "Because your street layouts that make no sense, fake Irishmen, and cocky sports fans are much better."
"I'm glad we both see it that way."
He laughed again then sobered, asking, "Are you okay, Harper?"
She understood what he was really asking and answered, "I'm not thrilled about it. I'm going to miss you terribly. But I also think you have finally been given the space to live your life and begin to really recover from your past. You deserve to do that however you choose."
"I'll miss you, too," he muttered, squeezing her hard against his chest. "I love you and I want to be with you, and distance won't change that."
"We'll need to work out a visiting schedule," the brunette declared. "And talk on the phone in between."
"Absolutely," he agreed easily.
"When do you want to move by?"
"Beginning of next month? If possible. I don't want to run down the time the courts have given me on settling and starting therapy."
Harper nodded. She pulled away and declared, "No movie tonight then. Let's get to apartment hunting."
"Thank you, doll."
"Darlin', I hate this," Bucky muttered, squeezing her hand harder as they walked through the store.
"Why?"
"It doesn't feel… right," he admitted with a grimace.
They were at a furniture store at Harper's insistence. He actually didn't know that was their destination until they arrived and she pulled him inside. They had a quick, hushed squabble about how he had next to no money leftover once living expenses were accounted for, which she didn't see as a barrier because it was her intention to purchase him a mattress.
"What, that I'm paying for something?"
He knew he was getting himself into hot water, but he couldn't lie to her. With a jerky nod, he added, "For something so expensive."
"James, can we talk finances for a second?" she asked, steering them to an unoccupied area of the show room. She pulled out her phone and typed for several moments. He shifted his weight uncomfortably from foot to foot. "Okay, so I've written down my salary, my monthly expenses, and my student loan payments. Do the math, hun."
She turned the phone to him, allowing him to read what she had written. The former soldier nearly dropped his jaw at the figure at the top of the list. He recovered slightly and did the math, finding that for the first time in her entire adult life, Harper was actually pretty comfortable.
She saw the moment he made that realization and said gently, "It isn't burdensome. We aren't at an expensive store. And I'm not insisting on anything other than a mattress. You shouldn't be resigned to sleeping on the floor."
He flushed lightly and said, "Harper…"
"Plus," she cut him off swiftly, "if you would like me to visit, you need a place for me to sleep. And I have no interest in floor sex."
He had to chuckle at her crude persuasiveness. He took her hand again as she pocketed her phone. The brunette continued, "Besides, you bought me a lot of dinners in Bucharest. Surely they add up to a mattress."
"Surely I wouldn't be a good partner if I didn't buy you dinner?" he asked with a small smile.
"I mean true," she allowed with a playful grin. "But then I wouldn't be a good partner to give nothing in return."
"At no point in time since knowing you have a felt you had nothing to give me."
Her cheeks flushed prettily at the honest statement and she ducked her head behind her hair. Tugging at his hand, she prompted, "C'mon."
"I'm glad you decided on this one," Harper commented, looking around the small apartment.
"I'm just glad it was available within the ideal window," he shrugged.
He watched the brunette turn around in a circle, looking over the space again. She continued, "Seriously, though. It's light and airy, with a lot of great sunlight. It's a good space, James."
He nodded, supposing he was also pleased with the little studio. It was certainly nicer than the one he had in Bucharest. Of course, he no longer needed to hide, clinging to the shadows. The unit was pretty barren, save the mattress Harper had insisted on gifting him, but he didn't mind. He just needed a couple milk crates for his clothes and the few possessions he did have, and that would be enough.
Bucky watched Harper plop the large bag she had been carrying down, promptly bending and beginning to extract linens from it. He rushed to help her, worried despite her having been cleared by her doctor to resume normal activities. It was a relief to see her up and about without her brace and without pain.
"City boy to goat farmer to city boy," Harper teased as they tucked the sheets beneath the mattress on the floor.
"Things here are strange," Bucky commented. "It's undeniably New York, but it's so different."
"Eighty years will do that I imagine," she nodded. Her voice teasing, she said, "I've just realized. How scandalous, a young woman dating a centenarian."
He huffed at her laughter, but played along, "Does that make me a pervert?"
"I wouldn't say that's the thing that makes you a pervert, no." They shared a laugh and finished spreading the comforter and blankets across the bed. Thoughtfully, Harper said, "But actually, I guess that with everything that's happened… as far as time you've actually been out of cryo and all that, we're probably about the same age now."
He did a quick review of his life's timeline and agreed, "Yeah, I think you're right."
"In fact, I might even be just a touch older now," she frowned. "So much for being your cute young girlfriend."
"I'm still over seventy years older than you Harper, and you're as beautiful as ever. Maybe even more so. Your hips filled out some."
"Oh great," she drawled. "Because I really needed more filling out."
Gently pushing her down to the freshly made bed, he smirked. "It's really sexy, doll."
He watched the peach glow rise in her cheeks, her embarrassment belied by the hungry glint in her eyes. In answer to that hunger, he roughly connected their lips. His flesh hand slipped beneath the curtain of espresso waves, fingers tightening lightly at her nape. With his metal hand he squeezed her hip, emphasizing his appreciation of her body.
Their tongues met, teeth scraped lightly. Heat bloomed in his abdomen, spreading rapidly throughout his body. It had been nearly three months since the bunker, and his body craved hers. Primal need coaxed him to rut against her thigh. She rolled her hips up into his, aligning their centers for the briefest tease of friction.
His fingers moved, cupping her breasts above the simple t-shirt she wore. They were just as full and firm as he remembered. Harper groaned, rolling her hips upward again in a bid for pressure between her thighs. The former soldier turned his attention there, slipping his hand down the front of her cotton leggings. Her center was already weeping. The discovery sent a surge of blood rushing straight to his groin.
Harper gasped when his index finger found her clit. He swallowed any further sounds with his lips. Her lower back arched and her hips wriggled, trying to move against the light pressure of his digits. The former soldier responded to her need, circling the sensitive nub more firmly. He loved the tremble of her lips on his in relief and pleasure. Another roll against her thigh provided a brief moment of relief for his own need, before the throbbing anticipation took over once more.
Bucky shifted in an effort to relax his own body, but he was too hot and too hard. His mouth grew sloppy against hers as his hazy brain decided that they needed to expedite the process. The pad of his thumb ran vertically across her clit, drawing a squeak from the brunette, as his index and middle fingers slid downward. They found the source of her heat and abundant wetness, the tips of his digits teasingly massaging just inside her.
Harper pulled away suddenly, her palms flattening against his chest with a shove. Bucky's eyes shot open and he flinched, shocked by her sudden rejection. He removed his hand from her, heart beating wildly in his chest and fear chilling his spine.
"Did I hurt you?" he gasped, eyes prickling with the threat of tears. He couldn't have hurt her. Not again.
"No," she answered, shaking her head. Her eyes fell closed and she slowly shook her head. "Fuck, I…"
He hovered above her, watching for a moment as she allowed her breathing to return to normal. After what felt like a long time, bright brown eyes finally met his again, shining with apology and worry. Needing to understand, he pleaded, "Harper?"
"I'm really sorry, James," she replied. To his horror, tears began to leak from her eyes. "I should've told you before, but I thought I was okay."
"Did I do something?" he asked, voice strained and chest painfully tight.
"No," Harper answered firmly. "No, I'll explain. But…"
She wrapped her arms around his middle, tugging just enough to communicate her need for him to embrace her. Bucky lowered himself to his side on the mattress, arms wrapping around the younger woman and pulled her up into his chest. Her hands balled into fists, one on his back and one at his chest and each holding onto his t-shirt. Blue eyes roamed her face, finding a darkness there he had seldom seen.
"When we talked about what happened in my life during the Blip, I left one thing out. Last year... last spring, Tawny and I went to a club to celebrate my birthday. And until that point, I hadn't been with another man in any way whatsoever. I never stopped loving you, and I just couldn't even think of trying to have another relationship. But that night I just wanted a one night fling. Everything had gone to shit, I was stressed about every part of my life, and I needed actual human touch and an orgasm from someone else."
Bucky listened carefully, watching the way she couldn't meet his gaze when she spoke. Jealousy burned behind his ribs – who wouldn't feel some type of way about the love of their life in bed with someone else? – but he doused those feelings with the understanding that there was no way for anyone to have known that those lost in the Snap wouldn't be gone forever. When they lost the first battle against Thanos, she had only been 27. That even after four years she still only felt able to have a one night stand with someone was a testament to how deeply her loss of him ran. He would never expect her to live her entire life alone and celibate just because he wasn't there with her. She deserved happiness and love.
Anger quickly replaced the jealousy and sadness he felt. Not at her, but at the disgusting, worthless piece of shit that had hurt her. She told him about having traded looks with a guy who she had eventually snuck away with. About how she insecure she felt, then her relief when he had expressed attraction toward her despite what she had expected. How he had forced finger after finger inside of her, despite her protests and discomfort. About the way he worked those fingers unforgivingly fast and hard, and how her center burned with pain. How he had intentionally caused further pain in retaliation for her trying to get him to stop. And then she told him about being reduced to her womanhood with the man's condescending response to her rejection, and about how he had further demeaned her. Bucky wasn't sure he had ever been so angry in all of his very long life.
As she spoke, Harper's eyes continued to stream tears. Her voice was quiet and wavered when she spoke of the turn the night had taken. He knew that she had a very high tolerance for pain, so hearing her describe her experience made him wonder how rough the guy had been to hurt her like that. The thought of Harper being handled harshly was terrible, but that her consent and safety hadn't mattered to someone was heartbreaking.
"And I guess I didn't tell you before because I thought I had put the whole thing to rest and I didn't want to hurt you. I'm sorry," she finished, still unable to meet his eyes.
"God, Harper, please don't apologize. Not for any part of this," he begged, holding her tighter. "I'm sorry someone hurt you like that. I'm sorry for reminding you of something so terrible. I'm sorry that I couldn't tell that something so big had happened to you. And I'm sorry if I hurt you now or back in the bunker."
The brunette shook her head in the negative. "You didn't hurt me at all. I promise."
"I… I don't even know what else to say," Bucky admitted. His thumbs swept the lingering tears from her cheeks and he nuzzled the tip of his nose against hers. "I wish I could tear into that fucker."
"You don't need to say anything," she murmured, eyes falling closed. Her expression was relaxed again, her body free of the tension it previous held. "I know I'm safe with you, and that's more than enough."
Pressing her even tighter against him, Bucky closed his own eyes against a wave of tears. Those words would always mean more to him than she could ever know. She didn't want him to avenge her honor, to make even for her suffering, which he would be able to do without any problem. A skilled assassin of many decades against some disgusting asshole had a rather clear outcome. Instead, she trusted him – the man, not the soldier or the assassin – to take care of her heart. It was a wish he would fulfill unwaveringly with joy and honor.
A/N: Thank you again for the support and feedback! When watching TFATWS, I was so heartbroken by Bucky's living situation, sleeping on the floor and living out of milk crates. Harper had to gently push him toward taking care of himself a little. Bucky is really going through it at this point, and we all know things get worse as we move forward in canon, so having a moment at the end where he sees himself a little differently felt important. Thank you again, and please feel free to share any thoughts as we continue moving forward!