A/N: We ended up with The Office!AU prompt in our auction and this is the result. I've never written a script or anything like this, nor do I watch much of The Office, so take this with the pinch of intended crack! salt.
Prompt: Auction - Day 11 Auction 2 - (fandom) The Office
W/C: 1,321
Summary: The Office!AU and Crack!Fic. Cameras spend the evening with the Lord Voldemort and his followers. They might not be the tight-knit group people thought they were.
Voldemort's Documentary Moment
FADE IN
INT. LUCIUS MALFOY'S STUDY - DAY 1
LORD VOLDEMORT sits at the desk, staring at a map of an unknown building. He sighs. The camera looks around the room at various other maps pinned on the walls with dark green circles on some of them. LUCIUS MALFOY and PETER PETTIGREW stand by the door. Concerned looks are shared.
LUCIUS MALFOY
My Lord, Rabastan is preparing us a beautiful meal. Why don't you join us for dinner?
EXT. MALFOY MANOR KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
RABASTAN LESTRANGE is moving between chopping some onions and stirring a simmering pan of sauce. A House-elf tries to help but his hand is slapped away.
RABASTAN LESTRANGE
(to camera)
I don't know why I bother. There's always something that interrupts meal times. Some Muggle we have to torture or his Dark Lord has a sudden idea that might actually kill Harry Potter this time. And they're not dinners. They're meetings.
Rabastan picks up his knife and waves it around at the camera.
RABASTAN LESTRANGE
(to camera)
Don't tell him this but my father was a Muggle. Roddy and I have worked hard to keep that hidden. But maybe he was right, we should've taken Muggle jobs. I wanted to be a chef.
INT. LUCIUS MALFOY'S STUDY - CONTINUOUS
Lord Voldemort remains at the desk. Lucius and Peter are having a whispered argument over who should try next.
LUCIUS TALKING HEAD
LUCIUS MALFOY
Look, there may or may not have been an incident at the Ministry of Magic that involved myself and some of the others. I can neither confirm nor deny that I had to spend a tiny amount of time in Azakaban… but it's all water under the bridge… (laughs nervously) Isn't it?
INT. LUCIUS MALFOY'S STUDY - CONTINUOUS
Lucius shoves Peter forward. Peter waves a fist at Lucius. Lucius hits him on the head with his snake cane.
PETER PETTIGREW
(rubs his head)
M-my Lord. You must eat or you will die. You can even hit some of us with a Curse or two. Make a game of it. What do you say?
Lord Voldemort sits back and stares at Peter.
LORD VOLDEMORT
My dear, disgusting, Wormtail. Have I taught you nothing about my Horcruxes… Horcri?
(thinks for a second)
Horcux? Lucius, what's the plural for this word?
LUCIUS MALFOY
I believe you were right the first time.
LORD VOLDEMORT
(smiles)
I knew I was. I merely create the things, I do not need to be concerned with plurals.
Lord Voldemort returns to staring at the map. Peter looks back to Lucius and they both shrug. SEVERUS SNAPE is walking pass the room when he pauses and looks in. He rolls his eyes at Lucius.
SEVERUS SNAPE
My Lord. Dinner. Now. I do not have the time to spoon-feed you tonight. It's Dumbledore's poker night.
LUCIUS TALKING HEAD
LUCIUS MALFOY
I honestly do not know how the man gets away with talking to the Dark Lord the way he does. I've opened my home to him, given him money—
(chokes on a sob with a fist to his mouth and takes a minute)
All I'm asking is that he says thank you once in a while. Is that unreasonable?
LORD VOLDEMORT TALKING HEAD
LORD VOLDEMORT
Nonsense. I don't have favourites.
(shakes his head with a smile)
But if I had to choose, then of course it would be Severus.
INT. MALFOY MANOR DINING ROOM - D1
Lord Voldemort, Lucius, Peter, Severus, Rabastan, BELLATRIX LESTRANGE, RODOLPHUS LESTRANGE, NARCISSA MALFOY, and ANTONIN DOLOHOV are sitting around the dining table. Bellatrix is sitting by Lord Voldemort at the head of the table and coaxing him to put the map down and eat some of his dinner. Lucius and Narcissa sit at the other end of the table and keep whispering to each other. Rodolphus is sitting opposite his wife, Bellatrix, and keeps giving her dirty looks and having silent arguments with his brother, Rabastan, who is sat by his side. Peter and Severus sit opposite Narcissa and quietly eat their food. Antonin sits by Bellatrix and keeps nudging her when Rodolphus is looking.
RODOLPHUS TALKING HEAD
RODOLPHUS LESTRANGE
I keep asking her if she wants to leave me for him but she never answers me. Calls me paranoid.
BELLATRIX TALKING HEAD
BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
He's lovely, isn't he?
(producer asks if she means Rodolphus)
Roddy? Oh, yes. Of course I meant him.
(looks anywhere but the camera with a forced smile)
I'm just saying that his Dark Lord really suits not having a nose, don't you think?
INT. MALFOY MANOR DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
LORD VOLDEMORT
I can live without the prophecy. We all know what the prophecy said anyway. We can do—
(he punches his fist down on the table)
Look, this is not about the prophecy.
(he points at Bellatrix)
You got Sirius killed. He was meant to be with that Lupin fool. I had fifty Galleons on them that they'd be married before this was all over. I cannot get that money back, Bella! Now Narcissa's going to win the pot because her niece will no doubt swoop in to console the man.
BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
(looks chastised)
It was an accident, My Lord. I loved Sirius like a brother. He wasn't meant to be stood there when I sent the curse.
Lord Voldemort dismisses her with a wave of his hand and scans the table. His gaze lands on Antonin.
ANTONIN DOLOHOV
I know. I know, My Lord. I was in the zone and when Granger silenced me… well, the Curse just left my wand. There was nothing I could do.
SEVERUS SNAPE
I wish I could silence Granger. She talks too much.
LORD VOLDEMORT
Sev, we've talked about this.
(he returns his attention back to Antonin)
You are not forgiven. I want you to send her a basket of books or something.
ANTONIN TALKING HEAD
ANTONIN DOLOHOV
His Dark Lord's communication skills are basic at best. It's like trying to have a sensible conversation with a fucking courgette. He instructed us to use whatever force necessary to get the prophecy and now he's apoplectic because Granger couldn't stick to the plan we'd shown them for the battle. Between her and Severus, I know he has favourites.
INT. MALFOY MANOR DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
LORD VOLDEMORT
We all know Albus doesn't care for those children, we must do what we can to protect them when we attack. Is that understood?
The table remain silent as they look at their nearly empty plates.
LORD VOLDEMORT
Is that understood?
They all grumble their yeses.
BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
Not even a—
Lord Voldemort shoots her a dark look.
BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
I was checking. Sometimes you can be a little vague.
ANTONIN DOLOHOV
Yes! Thank you! All I would like is for you to be a little bit more specific in your requests and instructions, My Lord.
BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
I didn't say you could agree with me, Ant. You apologise to His Dark Lord.
ANTONIN DOLOHOV
No. He needs to be more clear and he knows it.
RABASTAN LESTRANGE
Can we hurry this up? I've got nowhere else to be, but I don't want to be here either.
SEVERUS SNAPE
I do have somewhere to be, so if you will all excuse me…
Severus leaves the room while the others start to argue with each other.
BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
You're a monster.
ANTONIN DOLOHOV
I'm not the monster here, you are!
RODOLPHUS LESTRANGE
Don't talk to my wife like that!
LORD VOLDEMORT TALKING HEAD
LORD VOLDEMORT
(raises a bottle of Draught of Peace to the camera and smiles happily)
This is my secret. If I had to break up every argument they had, my Horcruxes… Horcrux? No, Horcruxes, well, whatever the plural is, they would be pointless. Albus told me to have followers but I'm beginning to think this was an elaborate prank on his part.
(he drinks the Draught and leaves)
FADE OUT