Time to Talk
Hi everyone! Thank you for all the reviews and comments on the last chapter. I love hearing your perspectives. I always appreciate you all taking the time to write a review, it makes all the difference.
Apple444: Happy Late Birthday! I tired to get this done as soon as I could. I'm sorry my birthday present is late, but better late than never. I hope you enjoy it! Thank you so much for reading and encouraging me to write. Lots of love.
This chapter is…eye opening. LOL. I took a chance and this is where it led me. We'll see how it'll go from here. You'll have to let me know what you all think. Enjoy this long chapter!
WARNING: Swearing (like always). Spanking is mentioned. Don't like, don't read.
"Dean? Can I talk to you?" Holly asked once Sam left to go get breakfast.
"What is it?" He graveled looking up from the laptop.
Holly was unsure how to express herself to Dean and hesitated to speak. She felt a new nervousness around him that she hadn't before and she was sure it was because of that god-awful spanking he had given her a week ago. She was still not quite over the shock of that and it was apparent that Dean was not over it either. He had become somewhat distant from her and Holly was still unsure if the man had forgiven her or not. It had been tearing her up inside and her guilt and shame had no dissipated since. Usually, after he spanked her, he would forgive her immediately and would act like it never happened the next day, but this time was different. He was cold and distant and only really spoke to her when it was necessary or if she asked him a direct question. That hurt Holly more than she'd ever thought it would.
Holly licked her lips nervously staring down at the Hunter who had locked his eyes on her. He was looking at her with a firm curiousness waiting patiently for her to speak. Holly realizing, she had hesitated for far too long finally forced herself to speak.
"I know you're still angry with me and you got a right to be, but how long are you going to shun me for this? You already spanked me and chewed me out like there was no tomorrow. I wish I could take back what I did, but I can't okay? So, you got to tell me how we can move on from here because ignoring me will not fix the problem. So, tell me, Dean, what do I need to do to make it better?" Holly surprised herself by being so forceful in her words. She had not intended it to come out the way it did, but she was hurt by Dean's dismissal of her and when she was hurt, she often shielded herself with anger making her sound much more confident that she felt.
Dean studied her for a moment taking in her expression which seemed desperate to fix the rift between them. Dean sighed heavily as he closed the laptop in front of him pushing it aside sensing that this was going to be a long conversation. He leaned forward and clasped his hands together. "You want me to tell you what to do now?" He asked raising an eyebrow at her. "Because as I recall your track record on listening to me sucks. You're just going to do what you want Holly regardless of what I have to say." His words were hard and his voice was stern laced with disappointment.
If Holly had any doubt if Dean was still upset with her his words just confirmed it. Holly shook her head feeling both frustrated and hurt at hearing his words. Almost sounding like he was practically fed up with her and no matter what she said, it would not make a difference to him because as far as Dean was concerned, she wouldn't listen to him anyways. Even though this hurt Holly deep into her core she understood where Dean was coming from. She has had a history of not listening to the man and last week was probably the most trouble she has ever found herself in because of her stubbornness and her uncanny ability to not follow orders. It had come to this. She pushed it and now they were at a point where forgiveness was not so easily given.
"Dean I…I'm sorry. I will try to do better. I will. Please just…don't ask me to leave." Holly found her voice trembling as the fear of being cast away crept into her mind. If he can't trust me, he'll just let me go and I'll never see him again. There was a slight pain in her heart at her thoughts. They were her whole life now, how could she be without them? Without him?
Dean licked his lips turning his head to the side averting his eyes away from Holly for a brief second then turned back to look at her with a deep serious frown on his face. "I am not asking you to leave us, you are like family Holly. I…I would never want you to." Dean words were firm seeming to be set in stone in his mind. The words were reassuring and Holly felt some relief at hearing his words, but her heart was still aching as she hung onto her guilt and need to be reassured.
"You and Sam are all I have left and I know I screw up last week and I let you down and I am still so sorry about that. I'm just really messed up and confused. I'm not stable, like I used to be. There is stuff going on with me that I don't even understand myself. Ever since my sister, I've felt so lost. I feel like a there's a part of me that's died and I can't get it back. And Hunting with you and Sam has given me something to focus on and believe it or not, I like it. I feel like I'm making a difference and I know Hunting won't bring her back to me, but it's what I got right now." Holly was just letting the words spill out of her mouth trying desperately to explain to Dean what was going on with her and why she so carelessly betrayed his trust hoping to earn back some of his heart that she lost. Her throat was becoming dry as she spoke feeling her heart beat start to pick up.
Dean just stared at Holly listening intently with his eyes focused solely on her. His expression was unreadable, but very engaged.
"I thought a lot about what you said to me and I will try to be better, I promise, but I want you to understand something. I'm hurting and I'm confused about what's going on with me. You asked me if I wanted to live? I do, but the desire just isn't as powerful as it used to be..." This hurt Holly to say. It was not only upsetting, but it was embarrassing. It was an unorthodox way of thinking that showed herself in a negative light. It was not something that she wanted to reveal especially to Dean, but at this point she was desperate and her emotions were taking over.
Dean had his eyebrows knitted into a frown looking up at her with an upset confusion. "Well you better find the will to increase that desire." His voice was firm, but his eyes held an undeniable concern.
Holly shook her head trying to remain as calm and collected as she could even though her heart was screaming at her. It was typical of Dean respond in an aggressive sort of way acting like feelings could be fixed. In all honesty, Holly should have expected it. Dean always wanted to fix things and force things back to the way he thinks they should be, but that's not how it worked, not in Holly's mind anyways.
"Dean you can't force me to feel differently. I'm just trying to explain to help you understand. I'm hoping maybe if you understand we can move past this." Holly's voice was soft, but her eyes looked wide with an anxious hope.
Dean nodded his head once encouraging her to go on speaking peering up at her from under his lashes. His green eyes were flickering slightly in the dim motel lighting.
"I know you think I'm your responsibility and I know you…care about me. I care about you too and I am so so sorry about all the wrong choices I have made and I know I hurt you when I trusted that Vampire. I really didn't want to hurt you; I never want to hurt you." Holly's voice was breaking just like her heart was at every word she spoke. She had been holding in her hurt and emotions for a week and finally they were all flowing out of her like a bucket tipping right over Dean. Tears were beginning to fall and even though her body was consumed with embarrassment and dread she continued. "You've never given up on me and I just want you to know I'm so lucky to have you as a friend even though your hand hurts like a son of bitch." Holly added a little bitterly, but she could have sworn she saw Dean mouth curl up and his eyes twinkle for a spilt second. "I'm just so sorry I'm difficult and make your life harder, I want you to be happy. If anything, else, I just want you to be happy. What can I do to make it right between us? Tell me and I'll do it. I'll listen to you, I promise. Please just give me a chance to make it right."
Dean not being able to handle the poor woman's distress anymore got up from his chair and walked over to Holly guiding her up out of the chair by her biceps. Without hesitation he pulled her into his embrace. "Alright shhhh. It's okay. Come now, it's okay." He soothed gently in his deep voice vibrating in his chest. Holly melted into his arms burying her face into his hard chest. The relief and pleasure she felt just being in the man's arms was a relief unfathomable. She desired it so much it hurt her. She needed to be in his embrace and she's been needing it for days and now that she got it, she was enraptured.
Without thinking, Holly pulled Dean away from her pushing her heels off the ground to gain the height she needed and quickly pressed her lips against his. For a couple seconds Holly felt the warmness of his soft lips pressing firmly onto to hers. She had her hand on the back of his head to ensure she would stay on target. As quickly as it began, it ended and Holly released him. Holly looked up at him with dried tear stains on her face looking intently for Dean's reaction as her heart pounded in her chest. Dean looked dumbfounded as his mouth parted in complete surprise. It was apparent that he did not expect that. Hell, Holly didn't expect it herself. To be honest, she shocked herself at her actions and was now waiting in fear for the repercussions of her actions. Why the hell did she do that? Because she was emotional, she wanted comfort, because he just wanted to?
Dean all of a sudden began to look incredibly nervous and there was an undeniable blush that was spreading over his cheeks. He licked his lips nervously and swayed his body from side to side awkwardly. He looked almost as if he had never been kissed before and it was the shock of the moment. However, that, of course, was not the case. Dean had kissed many girls, but it was the first time he kissed Holly.
"Did that make you happy?" Holly breathed pressing her eyebrows together as her eyes flickered with affection. She studied his confused and nervous face. The taste of Dean's lips lingered on hers and she bite her bottom lip as the desire to press her lips against his once again intensified.
Dean parted his lips as if he was going to say something, but the sound of the door opening startled them both snapping their attention towards Sam as he walked in the room with breakfast. At seeing Holly and Dean's face, he was immediately confused and concern crept into his expression.
"Everything okay?" He asked puzzled. They had looked at him as if he was a stranger who came into the wrong motel room.
Dean cleared his throat nervously. He was swaying slightly looking down at the grey carpet under his feet running his thumb over his lips awkwardly. Holly licked her lips feeling her cheeks blush with embarrassment.
"We're fine." Holly answered him finally.
"Okay." Sam said sounding like he didn't really believe her, but accepted her response.
"By the way, I got us a case." Sam announced holding up a crumpled-up newspaper along with the breakfast bags. And before they knew it, they were in the Impala heading to Iowa.
0000
What was I thinking? Kissing him like that? He was upset with me and my solution was to kiss him to make him happy? I probably just confused him or more likely made him feel awkward and more upset with me. God, what is wrong with me? He probably didn't even like it. It wasn't even a good kiss.
It seemed like the more distant Dean made himself, the more Holly realized the possibility of losing him. She did not want to be without the man which was confusing in itself considering he was a rough man who happens to be Hunter that spanks her when she puts herself in danger. She was all kinds of messed up and she wanted to scream at her conflicting thoughts. Holly considered herself a reasonable person, but everything she was thinking was suggesting otherwise.
In the motel room they booked for their stay in Dyersville, Iowa, Holly was unpacking the weapons onto the coffee table in the large room. They needed to be cleaned and she was preparing to get started on her task when she was stopped abruptly.
"Holly, come with me." Dean ordered as he walked past her heading towards the door not bothering to look if she would obey him. Holly set down the Glock she was holding and began to follow Dean out the door with a slight apprehension. He either wanted her to help him get more stuff out of the Impala or wanted to talk about the kiss. She had avoided conversation with him all day even finding it hard to look the man in the eyes. She was embarrassed, but most of all she was scared of being rejected. Or worse, being rejected and yelled at for being foolish. The kiss was given in the moment and Holly did not think when she did it. She just acted on her emotions and now she was terrified of the outcome.
Once Holly shut the hotel door behind her. She turned to face Dean who had his back to her appearing to be looking off into the parking lot. Holly swallowed nervously preparing herself for what Dean was going to say to her. However, it wasn't long till he turned back to face her. His expression was unreadable to Holly, but his face was somewhat stiff and Holly could visibly see his chest raise and fall in controlled huffs. He didn't look angry, but he looked intense, like he was holding back on emotions. His stiff features and intense demeaner was incredibly strong, so strong in fact that Holly was slightly in awe of it. Dean looked every bit the man that he was as he stood there looking virile and strong and incredibly resilient. He blinked his intense green eyes at her dipping his head down slightly so that he was in level with her eyes. Holly blinked staring at the man with wide eyes as he began to walk towards her slowly with strong purposeful strides. Holly found herself backing up, instinctually, as he approached her. She felt the back of her boot heal hit to hotel brick wall and she reached back touching the building. Holly felt her heart pounding out of her chest when her back lay flat against the solid wall. Her chest was raising and falling quickly as her breathing was becoming heavier. Dean's eyes flashed intensely before he reached out his hand that gently cupped the side of her cheek and jaw bone. Holly did not flinch or pull away or say a word. She just quickly glanced at Dean's hand on her cheek then immediately looked back at his face not wanting to take her eyes off him for long. She felt her breathing suddenly come to a halt as soon as she felt his rough calloused push warmly into her cheek. His eyes danced around with a clear fondness and yearning as he slid his large hand around her cupping the back of her neck. There was a flash of desire in Dean's eyes as he pulled her towards him planting his lips into hers. There was a brief pause before Holly slowly slid her arms up his strong chest wrapping her arms around his neck as she inhaled his kiss. Dean's other hand moved around rubbing along her back pressing into her further. His hard chest pressed against hers feeling her body tingle with longing. Holly let out a small moan as she felt Dean's strong arm around her back piratically lift her up pressing her even harder against him. She was standing on the balls of her feet as she was leaning forward into him. Holly turned her head slightly to the side wishing to explore more of Dean's mouth, but as quickly as the kiss started, it ended. Dean released her pulling away from her body so that he was now at arm's length.
He looked into her eyes once again squinting slightly looking like he was almost in pain. He had a deep frown on her face as he shook his head.
"God you're so beautiful. I can't fuckin' stand it." He said almost like it was regrettable and frustrating. There was a sadness that crossed over Dean's face looking like he was about to cry. It was pure vulnerability that Dean rarely showed. There was no protective wall nor mask of deep sternness on his face. It was just raw emotion; clear and unconcealed.
"What'd you have to kiss me like that? Huh?" He asked it with sad frustration almost like she had opened a box that could never be closed again. It was obvious that Holly's kiss had sparked something in him and as a result he could no longer contain his affections.
"Fuck!" He shouted in regret turning his back and walking a few steps away from her. Holly jumped at his booming voice and her face scrunched up into a frown. Holly's heart was still racing from the adrenaline and her body stood stiffly where it was trying to take in everything that had happened. Her heart was aching at seeing Dean's obvious frustration and regret. Her emotions were high and she felt her bottom lip quiver slightly as her body swarmed with intense feelings.
Dean was cursing his weakness for giving in so easily, but it with Holly, it was never easy. He just could not hold back his feelings for the woman. He wanted her, God, he wanted her so bad that it hurt. He was selfish and he knew it. He saw what he wanted and he took it absolutely forgetting who he was for a few blissful seconds of Heaven.
Holly's mouth was gaped open as she stared at Dean's rigid back feeling her hot and shaky breaths escape her heated lips. Dean had kissed her, passionately and intensely. And it should have been a joyous moment, but it oddly wasn't. Dean was upset and Holly wasn't entirely sure why. Although she knew he did not excel in emotional expression, she didn't know why it was so upsetting.
Holly hesitated for a moment before she pushed herself away from the wall and walk over to the man who turned his back on her. He looked immoveable like a statue. His body was solid and stiff as he looked down at the pavement beneath his feet. Holly stopped just to the side of the man not wanting to invade his space to much knowing he was upset.
"Dean?" Holly tried softly as she reached her hand out to touch his shoulder. She hesitated for just a moment before she put a gentle hand on his solid shoulder. After a moment of silence, she moved her way to stand in front of him. He had his head down so she was unable to see his face. He was breathing heavily as Holly reached up and grabbed the sides of his face pushing his head upwards slightly so she could look into the vulnerable man's eyes.
"Dean? It's okay, you can kiss me." She softly encouraged in a gentle disposition. "I..I liked it." She reassured the man.
Dean's eyes were pained with an expression Holly did not recognize. Was he angry? Was he hurt? Dean grabbed onto Holly's wrist firmly, but gently pulling them away from his face.
"It's not okay." He said in a deep graveled tone.
Then to Holly's utter amazement. Dean let go of her wrist and walked away from her heading towards his Impala that was park right in front of their motel door. If Dean wasn't trying to hold himself together at the moment he would've been running. Holly's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open in pure shock at the realization of what Dean was doing. He was going to drive away. He was running from her.
Then it happened, it was like a switch was flipped and Holly began to fill with undoubtful rage and uncontrollable frustration that seemed to swarm up inside her like someone had just poured gasoline on a fire. To say she was pissed was an understatement. Holly could feel her hands clench into fists at her sides and felt her body shake slightly with exasperation as she watched Dean circle around his car to the driver's side. Holly clenched her teeth and cast her eyes downward to the pavement searching for something, anything to stop Dean.
There happened to be a nice long piece of wood by the dumpster, that sat only a few feet away from their motel room, that was perfect for smashing headlights. Holly picked it up like a baseball bat stomping determinedly towards the Impala and held it over Dean's precious car. Dean, who had the driver's door open preparing to get in, suddenly saw Holly about to smash his baby's hood and throw out his hands in pure fear.
"Woah, woah, woah. What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Dean shouted in desperation.
"Don't you dare get in that car Dean Winchester or baby's headlights will be smashed all over the pavement. I am not kidding." Holly declared in a serious tone that was calm, but unmistakably threatening. Holly was surprising herself for she has never done something like this before in her life, but she just couldn't seem to stop herself. Stooping to vandalism was not something she had ever thought of no matter how justified it would be. Part of Holly was bluffing, she did not want to hit Dean's treasured possession. She knew he loved it, hell she did too. It was a beautiful sexy car that she had grown to love and cherish in her own way. However, there was a part of her that was screaming with emotion and desperation. She was calculating the cost in her head and she wanted Dean to stay more than she didn't want to hit the car. Cars can be repaired and fixed easily, people not so much.
Dean's face all of a sudden turned to into a menacing glare. He narrowed his eyes on her. "You put one dent in this car and I will bust your ass for it." He threatened darkly.
Holly would be lying if she said she was not intimidated by Dean's threat, but she was far too angry to think properly at the moment. Her emotions were heightened and she wanted answers and she wanted them now.
"You kissed me, now sack up and face me. You do not get to run away from this." Holly was glaring at him with angered and hurt eyes.
Dean stepped back slightly and slabbed the car door shut with such force that it made Holly jump slightly.
"Put the damn piece of wood down. NOW." Dean barked angrily.
Holly gritted her teeth not intending to obey a word the man said. Holly was angry at Dean for trying to run away this, but most of all she was angry at him for showing her so much affection then cutting it off like it was a light switch that could be flicked off whenever he decided. Holly scrunched her eyebrows together in an angry frown and shook her head.
"Either you come over here and start talking to me or I swear to God I'm going to go all Carrie Underwood on your precious car. We're not going to act like this never happened, Dean. So, you can get that thought out of your head right now. You got it? I want answers."
Dean straightened his back a bit lifting his chin up slightly like he was putting on a strong front for her. His face still looked downright livid. His eyes flashed with annoyance and pinned her with a scowling glare. Holly could visibly see his jaw twitch, but she stood her ground holding the piece of wood over the car threateningly. Holly was determined to get Dean to come over to her and threating the Impala with damage was the most assured way to get his attention. She was desperate and did not want him running off and hiding from her. She needed some answers to all the questions that were in her head because that was no ordinary kiss, he gave her and the words he spoke were intense and not meaningless. Dean expressed some intense passion toward her and there was no way she was going to ignore that. Dean was a determined man, stubborn and strong and if he felt something was not right. God help anyone who would try to change his mind. He was unyielding especially when it came to her. Therefore, she knew she needed to do something drastic and intense for him to break from his one-track mind. She was done with these conflicting feelings and unanswered questions. They were not going to just ignore this. She couldn't.
After a moment Dean seemed to make up his mind and began to storm over towards Holly looking absolutely terrifying. Holly felt her chest tighten as Dean approached her. She was now wondering if asking him to come over to her was a good idea. Without a word, he grabbed the piece of wood out of her hand and threw it down the side walk away from them.
Dean looked down at her giving her an incredible scowl that would make almost anyone back down, but, of course, Holly wasn't just anyone and to her credit she glared right back. Holly was challenging him and had no intention of backing down. Dean was angry about her threating his car, but he was more angry at her for calling out his cowardness for wanting to run away rather than face her. As, a man, it was embarrassing to him to be called out for his weakness. Dean prided himself on being a man of character and integrity and it hurt him and embarrassed him to be called out so bluntly, especially by the woman be had great affection towards.
After a moment of glaring at each other, Holly finally spoke. "We need to talk." She declared determinedly.
After a few seconds of Dean not saying anything Holly was beginning to get impatient.
Alright time to get tough because there is no way in hell, I'm going to take the silent treatment.
"I'm going to be a real pain in the ass for you if you don't talk to me about this." Holly said threateningly opening her eyes a bit wider so Dean could see how serious she was about this.
There was a small worry in the back of Holly's head that Dean might beat her ass for all this, but she was more concerned about the matter at hand. Their relationship.
Suddenly, Dean reached out snatching her upper arm in an iron grip. Holly's breath caught in her throat and for the moment forgot to breath. "You're already being a pain in the ass." Dean growled as began to march her towards the Impala. He opened the passenger door and shoved her in slamming the door shut forcefully make Holly flinch. She watched him as he rounded the front of the Impala. Without so much as a glance towards Holly Dean got in flung his door shut and pulled out of the parking lot faster than was necessary.
Holly had no idea where they were going and didn't dare ask. It was hard enough to look at the man by this point let alone talk to him. He looked furious and by this point Holly's pent up determination was wearing slowly turning into to nervousness and insecurity. She reached her goal of stopping him from running away, but now that she had accomplished it, she was unsure if this was the best way of going about it. The last thing she wanted was Dean to be upset with her.
Dean was mad. Of course, he was annoyed with Holly, but he was more angry at himself for allowing his emotions to trump his common sense. He screwed up and in a moment of weakness he gave into what he wanted. For what though? For a few seconds of pleasure and happiness? At what cost? Going against his initial thoughts to bury his feelings for the woman opened a can of worms that could no longer be ignored. He promised to keep this girl safe and by his own selfish act jeopardized that. Not to mention, making things highly unfair to Holly. He wished this never happened, but it did. Now he had to face the woman and like she said sack up and give her the explanation that she deserves.
Dean pulled into a parking lot right next to a playground and bike path. It was a fairly sunning afternoon with few clouds, but the trees that surround the area provided nice shade. Dean shifted the car into park and killed the engine. He turned towards her angling his body so that he was facing her giving her his undivided attention fixing his eyes solely on her.
"You wanted to talk. I'm all ears." He said giving her a stern look keeping his face solid not revealing any of his inner thoughts.
Holly swallowed building up as much courage as she could muster. "Good. Let go." Holly said as she got out of the car and started walking towards the empty picnic table that was under a large oak tree.
Dean quickly got out of the Impala. Not liking leaving the security of his car slammed the door harshly and followed the woman that was starting to dance on his last nerve.
Holly really didn't know why she wanted to talk to Dean outside the Impala. Perhaps it was because she was stalling trying to wrap her head around what she exactly wanted to ask Dean or she was just nervous. Or perhaps it was because that oak tree looked so inviting, she couldn't resist. Whatever the reason, she didn't give Dean time to object.
Holly sat down on the wooden picnic table that sat a bit lopsided due to the large roots under the legs, but it wasn't uncomfortable. Dean was not far behind and sat down opposite Holly.
Holly took a deep breath taking a moment to collect her thoughts and her courage. Dean just looked at her with a firm expression waiting patiently for her to start her questions.
"What was that all about?" Holly asked blinking up at him a slight flash of vulnerability passing over her eyes.
"What was what about?" Dean asked deeply not daring to be the one to express anything first.
Holly clicked her tongue somewhat annoyed at his business-like manner. He knew what she was talking about and it irritated her to no end how formal the man was sounding at the moment. He just kissed her in a passionate lust and now he was asking her to confirm that's what they were talking about. Unbelievable.
"You kissed me. Why?" Holly asked in a soft command with just slightly clenched teeth. It was a simply question that she'd hoped Dean would answer.
"I shouldn't have." Dean muttered sounding a bit annoyed at himself if not outright disappointed.
"What do you mean you shouldn't have? Didn't you like it?" Holly asked raising a skeptical eyebrow not understanding the man's meaning in the slightest.
"Yes, I liked it. I liked it a lot." Dean said again seeming sadly regretful about the whole thing.
Holly pushed her brows together in a deep frown of pure confusion. Why was Dean so against something that made both of them happy? What was his reason for kissing her if he was so against it in the first place?
Dean sighed heavily as he saw Holly's confused and hurt expression. He rubbed a hand over his weary face in frustration. His heart pounded in his chest as he was preparing himself to say what he had to say. "Alright look, why am I so hard on you?" Dean asked looking at Holly with his tired green eyes. "Why do I give you orders? Why do I spank you? Do you think it's because I'm just some asshole who gets his kicks from this?" Dean's voice was beginning to get deeper and more forceful with each question like what he was asking was frustrating or he was ashamed of it. No matter what it was, Holly was starting to get worried about the answers to the questions.
Were these trick questions?
Dean was looking at her with a highly serious expression pinning her with a stern frown. Holly opened her mouth slightly as if she was going to answer, but nothing seemed to come out. Holly licked her lips and swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat.
"Because…you want to save people and…keep me safe?" Holly answered looking down at the wooden table avoiding his eyes as she said it.
"It's because I care, Holly. About you. It's you. It's always been about you. I don't know when it happened it just did." Dean declared strongly like each word he expressed to her was precious and highly important.
Holly's mouth fell open slightly as she blinked her brown eyes up at him. Is he saying he loves her? Holly's eyes scanned every inched of the man's expression taking in every that she could. He was not smiling nor did he look content. He looked serious and somewhat hurt, but his eyes were clearly lit with an affection that ran deep. So, the sternness, the orders, the spankings were all because he loved her? At first Holly's mind went straight into shock at hearing this, but it wasn't long until her heart swarmed with a deep warmth. All this time she was fighting against her feelings toward Dean out of fear that it was not mutual or that it was just foolish of her for someone like Dean to look at her. But now that he denied all that she was fearing. The hard wall that she put up came crashing down and her denial of her feelings for Dean were replaced with confirmation. She had feelings for Dean for a long time now, but like Dean, she wasn't sure when it happened. It just did. She loved him too. Holly's eyes began to brighten as she blinked up at him tenderly, but before she could express anything further Dean spoke.
"But listen very carefully Holly, nothing can come of this. I'm a hunter and hunters don't get to have relationships." Dean declared sternly like it obvious.
Holly's mouth dropped open. "Bullshit, says who?" She found herself asking in astoundment feeling like he had slapped her in the face. A rush of disappointment started to way heavily on her heart.
"Says every Hunter who's ever had someone they cared about die because of it. And I can't let that happen to you. I won't. Period." He stated strongly like it was set in stone and there was nothing that could change that.
"But that's not living, Dean. That's just existing." Holly explained sadly with a bit of frustration in her tone.
"That's what I do, Holly. I exist to Hunt and save lives. That's all I'm good for in this life. You being with me will only bring you pain or worse. I guarantee it, sweetheart. So, don't you even try to think otherwise." Dean's voice was deeply stern and ridged.
Those words just about tore Holly's heart in two. This was the man she cared about, the one that she admired and respect. The one her heart was aching for and yet he was belittling himself saying that his life was not only not important, but not worth her time. It was ironic that Holly felt so strongly about his words considering she did not hold her life high in value either, but this was the man that had her heart and as far as she was concerned his life meant more. For all the times they clashed and all the times they fought thinking that they were so different from each other made this realization all the more enlightening knowing that they were, in fact, very similar. Perhaps not the best traits to be similar in, but it was a connection and bond none the less that was showing to be irreversible.
"I'll think how I want, Dean." Holly stated firmly back. He had some strong options on things, but so did she. "You're more than what you think. Don't you dare sell yourself so short. Your life is important. It's important to me." Holly's voice was calm, but her words were said with strength. She looked Dean straight in the eye trying to get him to see that these weren't just words or her option. They were true.
Dean closed his eyes for a second taking in a deep breath before he spoke. "I am so sorry I kissed you." He apologized like what he had done hurt her in some way which was in hindsight true considering Dean was going back on his actions.
"I'm not." Holly professed strongly feeling her body go ridged with emotion. Holly sighed deeply as she saw right through Dean's stern expression. His features were stiff, but his eyes were pained and Holly could see his vulnerability and his hurt. If Holly wasn't looking hard enough, she might have missed it. Holly felt a stab in her gut at seeing Dean's pain, she wanted to cry. The man truly thinks he cannot be happy.
"Dean, my feelings are the same. We can try. You can live with me. I am not afraid of having a relationship with you." Holly's voice was soft, comforting and soothing. She wanted to reassure the man that it could work and there was not just one path to take on this. She was willing and ready to let Dean in.
Dean's heart swarmed with affection at hearing her say those words. It's what he wanted, God he wanted, he wanted it so bad it made his heart ache. Dean swallowed as he felt his throat go dry and clenched his teeth together in hopes of not breaking with emotion in front of her. He had to be strong on this. He owed it to her to not get pushed into something that would ultimately destroy her one way or another. She may think everything will be alright and being together would harmless, but Dean knew better. He knew how it would end and he just couldn't let that happen. His love for her was stronger than his desire to be with her.
"No, Holly. I'm final on this." Dean stated sternly.
Holly's heart dropped as disappointment began to consume her. "So, you think you can just push down your feelings and move on like none of this ever happened?" Holly asked in an annoyed tone as frustration started to build up in her gut.
"Yes." I have to.
"Well I can't." Holly countered forcefully.
"Relationships are a two-way street and I'm saying no. As much as I want to say yes, and God do I want to, I can't." Dean growled as his frustration and pain filled his body.
"Can't or won't?" Holly asked feeling her jaw clench.
"I won't." He bit out firmly.
Holly nearly throw her hands up in frustration not believing what she was hearing. She looked away from him shaking her head pressing her lips together tightly in an effort to keep her emotions down feeling her throat become painfully raw. Holly turned back toward him with a disheartened scowl plastered on her face.
"You are the most self-scarifying stubborn meathead on this planet!" Holly practically cried wondering why she couldn't have fallen for a reasonable man. "You're going to deny yourself and my happiness because you think it'll keep me safe? That's the kind of life you want to live? I think I'd rather die."
His one trek mind was infuriating to Holly. Here they had an opportunity to be with each other, pull down their walls and get to know one another. Why throw it all away on the off chance that something could possibly go wrong? And even if it did so what. At least they lived.
"Don't you dare say that." Dean growled angrily as his voice rose pointing a finger in Holly's direction.
"What's life without happiness. Isn't that the purpose? Isn't that what makes life worth living? Love, happiness?" Holly expressed desperately trying to get him to understand her and to see things in a more hopeful way. They can't just let this go, when they haven't even begun.
Dean sighed heavily before turning towards Holly tilting his head down so that his eyes were level with her. His green eyes were piercing her with a serious gaze.
"Not my life, sweetheart." Dean declared in a deep rumbling tone. "What will make me happy is not watching you die. People who get close to me they end up getting killed or worse. You think I've told you everything about me? You don't know the half of it. I'm a poisonous son of bitch, Holly. I'm not the righteous man you think I am. Okay? I have done things you would hate me for if you knew. And I will burn for all the shit that I've done, but I'm not planning on dragging you through the muck of all that. I won't."
Holly's lip quivered. She just wanted to cry. "It doesn't have to be this way." Holly stated desperately her voice breaking slightly.
Dean's stern face remained unmoved. "I'm not changing my mind, Holly, my decision is final." And his tone sounded like he meant every word.
Holly shook her head in frustration and deep distress. Holly's emotions were running high. How could he think this way? What kind of fucked up misery did one have to go through to think like this? In a way Holly felt sorry for the man who just couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that something wonderful could, in fact, be wonderful and not turn to misery. Her heart ached at hearing his pain and she wanted to make it better, should could make it better, if the man would just let her. If he would just let her in and allow her to be there for him, make him happy, but Dean was proving to be unyielding like always.
"You are the most pig-headed self-loathing killjoy I've ever met! I could just strangle you right now Dean Winchester. First you kiss me like the world was going to end tomorrow, then all of a sudden you flick a switch telling me to forget about it and nothing can come of it. You tell me you care about me and want me, but you can't act on your feelings because of some stupid idea that it would only cause us pain. That's like giving up the race before you've even took a step." Holly's eyebrows were pushed together in a deep frown and her expression was laced with an aching disappointment.
Dean said nothing just staring at her with a deep frown of his own. In Dean's mind the cost was greater than the gain. The risk was too high to even play the game. However, according to Holly's thinking how do you know that the cost was greater than the gain if you never experienced the good. But, in the end, it would be okay because she'd lived and that's what he could give her.
Holly felt a painful weight in her gut like a heavy stone pulling her down making her sink into a despairing state of mind.
"If you truly think this, then maybe I should just leave. All I am is a distraction for you, getting in the way of your purpose in life. Saving people, hunting things, the family business. Not to mention I'm a pain in the ass that doesn't follow orders very well. If you're not going to try then it would probably be better if I wasn't in your life at all." Holly said the words with hurting bitterness leaving her heart battered and broken. She felt her vision become blurry as clear tears lined her eyes.
Dean's face fell and the sternness that stiffened his features melted away into a what could simply be described as pain. Raw vulnerable pain. Holly's heart felt like it had been stabbed, it hurt so much to see him sad.
Dean averted his eyes down to the table immediately and he swallowed the large lump that formed in his throat. "I…I don't want you to go." His voice shook.
"What's the point of me staying then, Dean?" Holly asked desperately wanting to know.
Dean's lip quivered slightly. "I can still protect you, if nothing else, I can at least give you that." Dean was desperate in his words. He wanted to give this woman everything. But the only thing he had left to give was his skills to keep her safe. That's all he could do for her, that's all he had. He hated himself for it because she deserved more, more than he could offer. If he could not have her than at least he could keep her safe.
I'm a selfish bastard.
In his mind, if he fell into a relationship with Holly then her chances of survival drastically decreased because that's what happens to Hunters, especially, him and there was no way in hell he'd take that chance. His love for her was stronger than his desire for happiness.
Holly let out a shaky breath as tears started to fall down her cheeks like droplets of rain.
"Okay." Holly breathed softly. Holly did not want to leave him, in fact, she never wanted to leave him, but his refusal to be with her brought her to a saddened frustration that was unbearably painful. She had never experienced this type of deep disappointment in her heart in all her life. It was almost cancerous spreading to every inch of her mind not allowing her any relief or power to fight it. It hurt.
"Thank you." Dean whispered shakily as relief washed over him. His body visibly relaxed as his slumped his shoulders forward.
"Yeah." Holly said regrettably. Things were not easy to start with, but she predicted that things were going to be a lot tougher from now on. Now that she knew her heart was going to be in pain. Being in love with someone and knowing they have the same feeling for you, but not being able to act on them was one of the greatest tortures Holly could ever think of. It was going to be hard seeing him every day knowing that he cares, but will not act on his feelings. Especially, since Holly did not agree with the man that this is how things should be. However, because of the feelings she had for him she was preparing to endure. She almost in a way wished she could just leave, but it was too late she had fell for him and she was totally captured by him. There was no reversing it. It was done and the kiss he gave her had sealed him inside her heart.
Despite Dean's unwavering mind Holly was determined to change it. Not now, of course, all that would get her would be an angry dispute, if not a sore butt for her troubles. She would probably kill him if all this ending in her being put over his knee. Holly knew she had to be careful and slowly push Dean towards her way of thinking. But when has that ever worked? Then again when has that ever stopped her? Dean was stubborn, but so was she. She loved him so she was not going to give up so easily. Dean just needed time. He kissed her, so his self-control wasn't completely stoic. So, there was hope and Holly held onto that hope for dear life.
TBC
Well…not sure how I felt about moving the story this way, but it happened. What do you think? Too soon? Not enough?
Think Dean'll come around?
Please review and comment! I'd really liked to get your thoughts on this particular chapter.
Thank you so much for reading!