Chapter Three
I felt like Kyoko, always trying to kiss Train, only I actually managed to succeed, instead of getting the white cat treatment. I purposely had my back to Sven, as I was sure that he would not approve, and I didn't want to talk to him about it just at the moment. I thought about that, though. Would Sven insist that Train leave, now?
No. Surely he wouldn't. Not because of something like this. Sven was more reasonable than that. It was Train that worried me. He was an impulsive person to begin with. I watched his face for any sign of activity. It seemed as though his brain had temporarily shut down when I kissed him… Like Steel Angel Kurumi, but in reverse?
Regardless, I wanted to make sure that he didn't escape from me. I took his hands and held them. And for a minute, he said nothing, and didn't move, even to pull out of my grip. But then, he gently, so gently slipped his hand out of mine and pushed me away from him, forcing me to release my other hand. He didn't push hard, but he was so strong that he hardly needed to use any force at all.
"Sorry, Princess. Now I know I have to leave…" Train said, looking, if anything, more disappointed even than I was. I didn't know how that was possible, but it seemed to be the case. I wanted to speak. I wanted to say anything that would keep him there.
Was I going mad? I wasn't sure. I had never felt like this about anyone. Leon had just been a brief thing… I can hardly even call it a relationship, and when we broke up, if you can even call it as such, we both just went our separate ways with the understanding that if we saw each other again, we'd harbor no ill sentiment.
This was different, though. Train was different. He was ten years my senior. I know this full well. But then, Train was a fair deal older than Kyoko as well by about seven years… And last I heard, she still liked him…
Although I hadn't talked to Kyoko in a while, either. But anyhow, when I saw Train, my heart seemed to skip, and it felt like I couldn't quite catch my breath, like I was running at top speed and couldn't make myself stop no matter how hard I tried.
It wasn't exactly painful, though. I could never quite bring myself to believe that my feelings for him were associated with any sense of pain. Maybe it was unfulfilled wishes. I never got to thank him for saving me from the Zero Numbers.
I never thanked him for saving me from Jenos, who would have certainly killed me without fail. When he saved me from Jenos, I had just called him a murderer. I told him I hated him. I don't blame him for reacting the way he did. Not many people could stay calm when being attacked like that.
"If I could stay, I'd be happy to. But I don't think Sven would appreciate my presence anymore. Maybe we'll pass by each other again someday. I'd like that." Train said, smiling sadly, and moving liquidly toward the door with a grace that I didn't realize he possessed.
"Wait! Train!" Sven said. I looked over at him. He seemed to have regained his speech, and was rushing over to Train to grab his shoulder. Train looked away from Sven. Something was weird with Train. He wasn't acting normal. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but it was more than just him having a bad day, or being shy, which he normally wasn't.
"You know, I really would be happy if you stay. You know that I trust you completely, Train. If you aren't going to stay for Eve's sake, at least stay so that we have some money. We've been doing really badly lately. We're running low on food, and I'm running low on cigarettes."
Train turned around and thought for a moment. He really was a simple minded guy. Sven had just given him the excuse he needed to stay. "I guess there's no harm in joining up with you for a little while, then…" Train said, looking marginally more cheerful. I sighed in relief and hugged Train again. I felt like an idiot, crying like this.
I hadn't cried in years. I was sure that I was above crying. But that's really ridiculous. Nobody is above crying. It's hard for some people to admit that they can cry just like anyone else. But nobody is above it. So here I was, embarrassed as I'd ever been, and still crying.
Maybe I was happy. Maybe I was just relieved that Train wasn't leaving us again. To this day, I'm not really sure. But I remember perfectly the next words that came out of my mouth.
"Thank you, Train…"
He looked at me. Maybe he was confused? I don't know for sure. I'm not a mind reader, although I felt pretty comfortable in the fact that I was better than most at reading people. Train stared for a moment, and then sighed.
"What for?" He said. Such a blunt, short question. He truly never did change.
"F-for saving me in Eden… For being my friend, even though I was never very nice t-to you… For saving me from Jenos, even after I called you a murderer… For…"
"Alright, I get it…" Train said, turning pink and glancing away, actually looking embarrassed. "You don't need to thank me for any of that stuff, Eve. You and Sven are everything to me. I'd have gone insane after Saya was killed if it wasn't for you two."
I gasped when he said that. I remember myself unable to believe that could possibly be true. He always seemed so strong, so unflappable, and so cheerful. Was it just a façade? No. I couldn't, I wouldn't believe that. He was a strong person! He was strong, unflappable and cheerful. That was the Train I knew, and nobody, not even he, could tell me otherwise.
It seems stupid, I know, but that was the man I loved, even back when I was only thirteen. I know it sounds like I had a little schoolgirl crush on him, but it wasn't like that. He was important to me, and despite my pretension to the contrary, I always respected him. He defied an organization that would kill him in an instant to stand up for what he believed in.
He believed that killing was wrong. Saya had taught him that, and he took that lesson to heart better than anyone I've ever met. A sweeper captures their target. They don't kill them. That was his rule, and no matter how hard the job, he never broke that rule.
He proved to me time and again that he was a changed person, and although I pretended to be annoyed by his foolish antics, I loved him even then. I wonder what Sven would say if I told him that. Would he laugh? Would he think I was joking? Would he believe me, and say that I could have chosen worse people for myself?
After that, Train's feelings for me were left ambiguous. He didn't specifically say that he didn't feel that way about me… However, neither did he tell me that he did also love me. He said a lot of things that night. He said that Sven and I meant the world to him.
I was touched, honestly. I never knew I was that important to Train. He left so quickly and easily after Eden that I thought for sure that Sven and I were just two more people to him… I discarded that notion after a while in favor of the far more optimistic belief that Train simply wanted some time alone, and that with due passing, he would return.
I think I didn't really believe that at the time. Train was a fickle man… But he was also a man of honor and duty. Maybe, I thought, he felt like he owed me something, and that saving me in Eden was his way of repaying his debt. Maybe he still felt guilty about the fight he had with me that first night together. I try not to think about it, now. He called me a murderer, called me a monster.
Of course, I can't say that I didn't say the same thing to him first. I could make the argument that I was only a child, and that he should have been more mature than that… But that would be a lie. That wasn't the reason that I said what I did to Train. It wasn't simply poor judgment. I knew exactly what I was saying, and maybe I wanted to hurt him that night… Like rubbing salt in a wound.
Now that I think about it, I'm mortified at my actions. Train had just risked his life in defecting from Chronos, fought the Numbers' leader, nearly died in a fight with Creed, and lost the woman he loved more than anyone in the world all in two days, and I felt I had to add insult to injury by calling him a murderer.
What justification is there for that? It isn't exactly like the altercation plagues my thoughts, or anything quite so dramatic. It's just an occasional thought that passes through my mind, one that I try to keep away from the forefront of my memory.
I looked at Train. He looked a little bit older. That was to be expected, though. Three years changes a person. He was 26 now, and past his mid 20s, although he still only looked like he was maybe 18 at the very oldest, whereas when he left, he was only 23. Not much changed, really. He still looked ridiculously young for his age. Train smiled at me that night, and if anything about him stayed the same, it was his smile. I loved his smile.
"You've really gotten beautiful, Princess… It's hard to believe you're the same Little Princess we met three years ago…" Train said cheerfully. I could have simply blushed and been flattered by his compliment, of course. But in keeping with my usual personality, I had to have an answer to that.
"Are you saying I wasn't pretty when we first met, Train?" I asked sarcastically. I wondered to myself why I needed the sarcasm. It just seemed a part of who I was though, even though that was completely ridiculous. I knew perfectly well that there was far more to me than my sarcastic sense of humor, just as there was far more to Train than his deadly skill and his gun.
I wondered sometimes if my barbed tongue ever hurt Train's feelings. He never acted like it did, but that didn't mean anything. Train was prone to hiding things from the rest of us. He didn't tell Sven or me about Saya for a long time.
For a moment, Train looked like he might actually not have anything to say to that. I was hoping for too much, though. Train always had something to say… Whether it was appropriate or not was really a coin toss.
"Well, no… You've always been extremely pretty," Train said, sounding slightly awkward, even. "But you were thirteen when we met you… There's a bit of a difference there. Beyond that… Is there no chance that you could just take my compliment without questioning whether there's a hidden meaning in it?"
I remember that moment like it was yesterday, despite the fact that it was actually 10 or so years ago, by now. I blushed like a schoolgirl, and muttered an apology, skulking up the stairs to my room, where I shut the door and fell into reading a book.
That was always my answer back then, and even now, I don't claim to have read every book out there, so I still read a book or two a week, sometimes three, if it's a quick read. I've slowed down a bit in how fast I read books. I don't read nearly as fast, preferring to enjoy the book more thoroughly, now.
That night, while I was reading, still slightly distracted by my thoughts for Train, there came a knock on my door. I called out, told the person to come in. It was Sven. He looked like he had something important to say. I could only assume that it was about what happened with Train.
I was sure that he had been as surprised as Train was. After all, I can't say I'm not a lot younger than he is, and on top of that, I hadn't seen him in three years. Maybe it was that time apart that made me develop such strong feelings for him, though.
"Eve…" Sven said to me. I looked up at him. He looked concerned. Was he going to say that he didn't approve of my feelings, of my actions? If he did say that, I guess I would have had no choice but to go against his wishes. I wasn't willing to give up on Train, no matter who was against it.
"I can't tell you who or what to pursue, and I wouldn't if I could. But… Why Train? You never gave any indication before that you even liked him that much…" Sven said. It was the same thing that I thought. I guess it was good to know that I wasn't wrong.
"I guess… there's something special about him…" I said sadly. "I know he'll never feel the same way about me, but…" I began. Sven interrupted me.
"What makes you so sure of that?" He asked me. It wasn't confrontational. It was just a question… Ponderous.
"I-I… I just am…" I lied.
It was like he knew where to allow me to continue, and when to force me to stop… It was like he knew me better than I wanted to know myself. They say that knowing oneself is important, that to allow oneself to be ignorant of what makes them them is foolhardy and sometimes dangerous. But knowing about yourself isn't enough.
You can get all that information from someone else. I could ask Sven to list off all my bad qualities, but unless I accepted and understood each of them and why they were the way they were I couldn't change anything. It's like the Inheritance series, by Christopher Paolini. To discover one's truename, one had to understand oneself better than they ever had before.
They had to know and accept the good and the bad, to see the strength and the weakness inside of themselves and put it into a single description. Ignorance is bliss, though, and sometimes, allowing yourself to believe a lie is a lot easier than forcing yourself to face the truth.
And the truth was, I was always sure that no matter how much good I did, I would always still be that same dangerous, freakish science experiment. There isn't much to love about something like that. Indeed, I wasn't even a person. I was a thing... That everyone around me pretended was a person.
Unfortunately, in knowing me quite as well as any father knows his daughter, Sven saw through my rather weak lie, and shook his head at me, as if to tell me that wouldn't fly.
"Don't lie to me, Eve. There's a time to hide the truth. This isn't one of them." It was unusual for anyone, much less a person's father, to say that there was 'a time to lie'. I knew he was right, though.
"Well…" I said. This thought hadn't consciously crossed my mind in years. I hadn't confronted myself with it since Eden ended. The Zero Numbers dredged the thought up… I'm a freak. I'm a monster. I'm a weapon.
That's all I was to them, and that's how I felt when I looked into their eyes. After that, I forced myself to forget it, though, and sure enough, it felt great. But it probably wasn't the best thing for me. I was afraid that Sven wouldn't understand, though, that nobody would understand.
"I just… I kind of wonder how anyone could possibly love someone who's not even really human…" I said it. I sounded pathetic. I felt pathetic… But I had voiced my concerns. I chanced a look at Sven. He looked stunned into silence again. He looked like he wasn't even breathing.
His mouth was hanging open slightly, and his body wasn't moving at all. After a few moments, though, he moved again, and pulled me into a tight hug.
"Eve…" Sven said gently. I always felt better when he hugged me. I never quite understood it, but his embrace was warm and inviting.
"I'm not sure what brought this to your mind, but forget it. You're just as human as anybody else. And whether or not Train has feelings for you has nothing to do with whether you have nanomachines inside you…" Sven said. His voice was gentle and reassuring…
But also firm, as if to say that he didn't ever want to hear me say such a thing again. For the second time that night, I was crying. I hadn't cried in years. Again, it was something I just didn't want to allow myself to do. But all my emotions came out so easily that night, like a river. I wondered what Train and Sven thought of me. But I also wondered…
"How do you know?" It was a childish question, and as soon as it came out of my mouth, I couldn't believe I had just acted like such an infant. 'How do you know' was more or less on the level of 'make me' or 'prove it'. It was so juvenile and asinine that it hardly merited an answer. Nonetheless, though, Sven seemed to think that it did merit an answer, because his answer made me feel much better.
"Because I know Train. Because I saw how Train reacted when he heard that you had been kidnapped and how he behaved when he learned that you were being used as the power source for Eden. He was outraged, and rightfully so. He couldn't accept that anyone would treat a human child as nothing more than a battery. I don't know whether he feels any romantic feelings towards you… But I know that he loves you just as much as I do."
Suddenly, our conversation was interrupted, and the door was opened. Train walked in and looked at me with a rather challenging look.
"Damn right I do…" He said to me. I could feel the heat rising to my face. I couldn't believe he had heard my conversation.
"You know, Princess, for someone who's so damn brilliant, you sure are acting stupid tonight." He said with a smirk, rubbing my head patronizingly, and messing up my hair. At first this annoyed me, and I growled at him, standing up and shoving Sven off of me.
"Oh, yeah!?"
"Yeah…" Train said gently, pulling me into an embrace. It seemed like that was a trend that night. "Princess, I can't help but feel a little insulted that you think so poorly of me…" Train said with an embarrassed laugh.
"I already told you. You and Sven are the best part of my world. It used to be that you were the only two in my world. That's why I left. I knew that I needed to expand myself a little bit. And I did that, but now that I'm back home, I feel happier than ever."
"Th-then… Does that mean that you also lo…"
"Not telling…" Train said teasingly, poking me on the nose. I couldn't help the blush that crept across my cheeks, and the scowl that adorned my face… But I was happy, ecstatic to know that he at least didn't think I was a freak.
"I know it's late, but I have to go back to the hotel and grab my bags and check out. I'll be back as soon as I can." Train said to Sven and me. Sven nodded. At first, I was afraid that he was going to leave again. Train apparently had become good at reading people's emotions, though, because he took Hades out of his holster, and grinned.
"Hey, Princess. You think you can keep this safe for a while? Just 'till I get back! Kay, see ya then!" Train said cheerfully, running over to my window, and jumping out of it, landing ten or so feet below on the street.
I ran over and watched as he disappeared from the radius of the outdoor lights in our base, and with a small sigh, I privately pleaded with whatever God would listen to me to let Train come home safely. He didn't have his trusted gun, and though he could dodge bullets or even block them with his gun, I didn't think that he would fare well in a fight if he didn't have it.
I picked up the gun from the bed. I had never realized before just how very heavy it was. I knew that Orichalcum was the strongest metal on earth, and that it was nigh indestructible, even with moves like Kyoko Kirisaki's fire. I'm pretty sure I remember learning once that his gun weighed 5.5 pounds, which I gather is heavy for a handgun, although it seems appropriate for such a high caliber gun to me.
Despite that, I was sure that the recoil on such a thing would be monstrous. I would have to remind myself to ask Train if I could fire it someday. It wasn't really because I needed to be able to shoot a gun. I wasn't personally a big fan of guns, although I didn't begrudge their use for other people, and indeed, Sven and Train were quite adept with one.
However, I preferred close combat. I had become somewhat skilled at martial arts over the years since Train had gone on hiatus, and had become a better melee fighter than a ranged combatant. I still worked on full body transformations such as wings to afford me the benefit of high ground, so to speak, and greater mobility, but if given the chance, I'd always prefer to close and hit someone in close combat.
Oh, of course, let me explain. I suppose I jumped in without giving a proper introduction. Over the years that Train was gone, I was determined to become every bit as skilled as Train was. Call it a lingering rivalry, call it what you like… But there you have it.
I trained in various martial arts, including Karate, Kendo (although typically I just use my nanomachines rather than a sword), Judo, Tae Kwon Do, and Jujitsu, running, archery, and a few other sports and hobbies that occupied my free time instead of reading.
Basically, I decided to cut down the number of hours that I read. I'm a better sweeper than I was, although I didn't pretend that I was anywhere near as skilled as Train… Not yet, although I was still determined. Without realizing it, Train had become my goal, just as Zagiene had been Train's goal. Train managed to reach and then surpass his goal. I thought for a moment…
Would Zagiene be proud of Train if he was alive? Surely not. Zagiene had instructed Train on how to be an assassin, not a sweeper. A sweeper would surely be seen as weak for not being willing to kill to a man like Zagiene who killed for a living.
Still, I wondered, was Train truly the apex of human capability, having managed to even defeat one who dared to call himself 'God' if only temporarily? Was it even possible for me to surpass him? Even with my nanomachines, Train would surely be difficult if not impossible to defeat.
It was an hour almost before Train came back again, this time, he was soaked to the bone with rain… A storm that seemed to come out of nowhere. Train was shivering violently when he walked in the house and shook his head to shake the water out of his hair, which was matted down in his face.
It wasn't until then that I noticed that his hair had become longer, almost as if he hadn't cut it in a while, and it was hanging down in his face and eyes like curtains. It would have been funny if he didn't look so awful.
His skin was pale as bone, and he was shivering, running his hands up and down his arms to get warm, and his clothes were soaked through. I ran over to Train and put a hand on his forehead. At least he didn't have a fever… But his skin was ice cold, and he looked like he would catch pneumonia if he didn't get out of his wet clothes.
"Train! Please go take a shower or something, and then put on some dry clothes…" I said immediately. Train nodded and walked up the stairs, remembering at least to remove his shoes before he did.
It was then that I started imagining Train in the shower. Such dirty thoughts had never really come to my mind before then. Sure, I had imagined myself with Train… But they had always been restricted to him kissing me… Not that being kissed by him didn't have its own charm… But thinking about Train naked in the shower… Muy espeluznante! I blushed deeply at this thought.
Although, now that I think about it, that did happen once. Back after he got shot by the nanomachine gun. He was turned into a child for a while. Then he went and took a shower, and when he came out, he was an adult again, although I suppose that he didn't expect that to happen…
I remember exactly what I said. "You're like a cup of noodles… Just add water…" I don't know if that was my wittiest line ever, but it seemed to annoy Train, although, that may, in hindsight have been because it sounded an awful lot like a penis reference. What annoyed me was the way Kyoko was staring at Train in that towel, although it was quite a sight…
It was a while before anything was said again. I don't know whether my next idea was the best idea or the worst idea I'd ever had.
"Did Train bring any dry clothes up?" I asked Sven.
Sven shook his head. I didn't think that he had, so I grabbed some from his bags, which, fortunately were not soaked on the inside like they were on the outside, and brought them up. I guess the truth is that it was good in some ways, and bad in others… I knocked on the bathroom door.
Generally, one would assume that if the person on the other side didn't answer, that meant they were still in the shower, so it was safe to at least crack the door. Obviously this wasn't so for Train, because when I walked in, I was treated to a full on view of his naked, dripping body, having just stepped out of the shower.
Had it been done in reverse, I can imagine that I would have immediately started throwing the heaviest objects I could pick up at Train, so I give Train credit for not throwing anything at me. Maybe throwing stuff is a girl thing, though.
"AAAGH! What the hell!? Princess!?" Train shouted at me indignantly, racing to cover himself. This snapped me out of my daze and I threw the clothes on the floor and slammed the door shut behind me.
I couldn't believe how hot my face felt. I had never been quite so embarrassed in my life. At the risk of sounding like a total pervert, I found out at that moment that Train was big. I had seen him without his shirt on before. I had seen him in a towel before… But never completely naked, and I swear he must have been seven inches long. It wasn't normally the kind of thing I think about… Honestly… Sweeper's honor…
But I kind of wondered what Train had been thinking about if he had gotten hard in the shower. That thought alone had at the time been enough to make me even more embarrassed than I already was. After a long moment, Train came out, now fully clothed, and he stopped dead in the hall. I watched as his body stiffened, and he turned red as well.
"Hey… S-sorry… I uh… I should have l-locked the door…" Train said guiltily to me. I was surprised that he was apologizing. I should have been the one apologizing to him. But somehow, I couldn't find my voice. Unfortunately, I think he took that badly, because I watched as his face turned an even deeper red.
"Sorryaboutthatexcuseme!" He shouted, sounding uncommonly, and frankly, a little unnervingly humble. As he was running off, though, I found my voice… Thank God, and said, "Hey, Train…? Do you think I could try firing your gun sometime?" I asked. He turned around and looked at me.
His hair was still dripping slightly, even after being towel dried, reminding me that I had seen him completely nude… I've found since then that the oddest things will bring up embarrassing memories. It's odd how that happens.
For a moment, I was sure that he wasn't going to say anything, or that he would refuse. Surely he would have a good reason not to let me… The recoil was too powerful; he didn't want me to get hurt…
"If you really want to, Princess… Compared to what you probably know, though, a gun couldn't possibly be terribly useful." That, I wasn't expecting. He looked at me. I looked at him. I smiled, and thanked him…
Then I walked over and hugged Train. To this day, I'm not entirely sure what prompted me to do it. It wasn't solely romantic attraction, although feeling so close to him again was nice. I remember what I said, though.
"I missed you, Train…" And I remember what he said. I remember that it filled my heart with a happiness that couldn't have been duplicated any other way.
"I missed you, too, Princess…"