Chapter Twelve
I gasped. Train was done? Done with what? Being a Sweeper? He couldn't be done. We needed him. And Train loved the life of a Sweeper. He got to be free, travel the world, live life on his own terms.
"Train… I know that's what you think you want now. But will you at least allow yourself some time to grieve. You saved lives today. The other members of Leon's gang… Yes, you killed them. But they would have killed more people if you hadn't. You did what you had to do. And sometimes that's all you can ask of yourself." Sven said kindly. Train turned over so that his back was facing Sven.
"If you want to talk, I'm available." Sven said, heading up to his room.
"Sven, wait… I'll stay a Sweeper with you for one more year. That will give you time to find a replacement for me. I don't want your ability to Sweep to be diminished on my account. But after a year, I'm leaving. I don't know where I'll go. But wherever I go, I'm done." Train said softly.
"I understand." Sven said. I most certainly didn't understand though. We would have to find a way to keep Train with us. We needed him… And he didn't know it yet, but he needed us.
Last time he said he wasn't coming back, I was able to convince him. I was able to show him that his life was better with us than without us. Maybe I could show him that again. Maybe we could show him together that he didn't have to be strong enough to fight right now. But that we'd be with him, that we'd help him until he was strong enough again. Underneath Train's pain. Underneath his trauma and his fear and his guilt, I knew how strong he was. He was strong enough to never kill. This… Today was the first time he'd killed in years, and in this job, that was saying a lot.
I sighed, sitting down across from Train.
"Will you at least stay with us? You don't have to Sweep with us. We would never make you do something you weren't up to. But our lives are better because we have you. And I'd like to think that your life would be better if you have us. We're here for you to talk to. Whenever you need us, we're here for you." I said. Train turned over, smiling tiredly at Eve.
"I'll think about it. Go to bed, Little Princess." He said, going back to his old nickname for me. I clicked my tongue slightly, but didn't say anything. I didn't like that nickname. I preferred it when he just called me 'Princess'. I was his girlfriend now, not a child that he had to take care of. Yes, I was still around ten years younger than him, but I was more mature than almost anyone my age and more mature than many adults even.
"Can I sleep with you tonight? I don't know if I can get to sleep on my own." I said.
"That Leon guy, the way he talked to me, the way he touched me. My skin is still crawling." I said. I was lying through my teeth. I just wanted to give Train an excuse to let someone else in, even just briefly, even just to give him someone to sleep next to. If that was all I could do for him right now, maybe that was enough. Train chuckled.
"Sure. Get your jammies on and come on up." He said, heading to the bathroom, brushing his teeth and getting ready for bed. I went up with him, following my nightly routine and getting into bed with him, cuddling up with him, wishing I could bring myself to kiss him.
"I still love you, Train. You did well today. You saved so many lives." I said. Train sighed.
"Just go to sleep, Princess." He said, turning out the light.
-0-
Train was out of bed when I woke up. He'd gone out running as usual. I admired that he wasn't letting his pain get in the way of his schedule. I sighed and called Tearju. She was always able to put things in perspective for me.
"Hello?" Came a sleepy voice.
"Oh… Sorry. Did I wake you?" I asked.
"No, no. It's okay. Hello, Eve. How are you doing?" Tearju asked me.
"Not so great. Did you hear about the massacre in Cincinnati yesterday?" I asked. Tearju clicked her tongue.
"Yes, I did. It was horrible. So many people dead and injured. You, Train and Sven weren't there, were you?" She asked.
"We were. We were… Right there during the massacre." I said.
"Oh, Eve… You… None of you were hurt, were you?" Tearju asked.
"Not physically. Train, Sven and I ran a three-way pincer movement on a bank that was being robbed. Train went in the front and distracted the mobsters while Sven and I pincered around the sides and got the hostages out. The leader of the gangsters got wind though and killed a bunch of people.
"I don't think I've ever seen Train set off as much as he was yesterday. He chased Leon across town. Leon left a trail of bodies in his wake. He killed people with knives, with guns. Whatever he had with him. Normally, Train could have disabled Leon in an instant, shot out his fingers with his eyes closed before Leon could pull the trigger or grip the knife. But he was already shaken by Leon's brutality and Leon seemed like he didn't feel pain like a normal person did. I sensed Tao in Leon. Maybe his Tao prevented him from feeling pain. I don't know for sure.
"But Train, in his altered state shot Leon in the head, and given the wounds to Leon's subordinates, I think Train killed them too." I said. Tearju stayed silent for a long moment. I could tell she was still on the line. I could hear her breathing. She seemed to be processing the information that I had given her.
"I see. And how is Train working through this? I know it's been less than twenty-four hours. But he must be doing something to cope with the pain and trauma that he must be experiencing from this incident." Tearju said, showing herself to truly be a scientist, first and last.
"I convinced him to let me sleep next to him. I don't think he let go of me even once throughout the night. But when I woke up, he was gone. I think he must have gone out running. He runs every day. Does a parkour routine if he can. And he might do some target practice if he has time. I think he's dedicated right now to not letting this alter his schedule." I said. Tearju sighed.
"Yes, that is common. He wants to pretend that nothing has changed. He may know intellectually that a lot has changed, that you know a lot has changed. But it will take time for him to acknowledge that.
"Don't be surprised if you need to help ease him into it." Tearju said.
"He wants to quit being a Sweeper. He said that he'll continue for another year to give us time to find a replacement for him. He doesn't want to leave us high and dry. But he's planning to leave us. And I'm not ready to lose him. We only just got him back." I said. Tearju chuckled ruefully. It seemed like she really empathized with me. I always suspected that although Tearju spent most of her time far away from us, she saw me as a daughter figure.
"Well… If he ultimately decides to leave, you can't stop him. He needs to make his own choices. But you can be there for him, give him the support that he needs right now. Be there to talk when he's ready to talk. Don't pressure him to talk if he's not ready. Let him go at his pace. This must all be quite traumatic for him. Didn't you say that he swore never to kill again, that it was a promise he made to an old friend of his?" Tearju asked. I nodded.
"Yes. Train won't say it, but I suspect that Saya was more than a friend to him. I suspect he was in love with her, though from his telling, she may not have loved him the same way. She may have only seen him as a friend, and I think realizing that hurts him, even now." I said.
"Are you and he still dating?" Tearju asked.
"Yes. I mean, as much as we can be. He's taking it slow because I'm so much younger than him and probably because Sven would have his head on a pike if he went too fast with me." I laughed.
Tearju laughed as well.
"Well… Fathers are like that. Sven sees you as someone he needs to protect, while Train sees you as a woman. The two of them will conflict on that point, but things will settle down at some point." Tearju said.
"I worry about Train. What if he hurts himself? I've never seen him so distraught." I said. Tearju sighed.
"Well… You'll just have to cross that bridge when you come to it." She said.
"You can do everything you can for him. You can be there to talk to him, listen to him. You can let him vent to you. You can give him all the love he needs to recover. Take him to therapy. But ultimately, he has to lead his own recovery." Tearju said.
"How do you know all this. Aren't you specialized in bionics and nanomachines?" I asked.
"Yes. But I did get a minor in psychology. I felt like the people who were enhanced by my bionics and nanomachines would also need a psychological angle.
"After all, they would suddenly be much more powerful and would need help adapting to their new life." Tearju said. She had never been much of a people person. She was kind. But she worked better alone and she knew that. She worked alone when she could, but gained some people skills from her psychology classes.
"Okay." I said. I still was a little worried about Train. But talking to Tearju had, as I suspected, helped.
"You can always call me any time. Day or night." Tearju said.
"I love you, Eve and I'll always make myself available for you." She said. I stopped. That was really touching. She'd always been fairly affectionate towards me. But she rarely went as far as to say that she loved me.
"Thank you. I love you too… Mom." I said. Tearju gasped on the other side.
"I'll look forward to hearing from you again. Do call again and tell me how train is doing." She said.
"Mom, are you alright? You're being much more… Emotional today than you usually are." I asked.
Tearju hesitated.
"I'm doing alright…" She said, though I could tell that she wanted to tell me something
"I'm just a bit tired. I've been working very hard on a bionics project that has taken much of my time and attention." Tearju said.
"Really? What is it about?"
"Oh, well… I can't get too into it. There are some confidentiality issues.
"But bionic organs would allow people a drastically enhanced lifestyle. They could work out harder, they could hold their breath for longer, they could run for longer. Enhanced density bones would allow for people to lift heavier weights with their own strength." Tearju said. I noticed that she wasn't saying anything specific about her project in particular. Just saying things about bionic organs in general that gave me a strong impression of what she was working on without technically breaking the strict confidentiality agreement that she was no doubt under.
"Do you understand?" Tearju asked.
"I do. It sounds like a fascinating idea."
"Naturally, I would need some willing test subjects to implant them in if I were to complete such a project." Tearju said.
"I'm sure I could find you a few people." I said. We were still speaking in hypotheticals. But I knew exactly what she was working on and I was sure Sven would be open to being implanted and Train might once he recovered from the shock and trauma of what happened yesterday.
"I have to get going, sweetie. I'll look forward to hearing from you again about how Train is doing." Tearju said, saying goodbye and hanging up. I sighed and went outside and saw that Train had gotten back and was obsessively doing target practice. He must have gotten up very early. He was covered with sweat like he had run a long distance and was now surrounded by bullet shells and easily hitting the same spot on the target each time, firing at different speeds, sometimes in such rapid succession that you couldn't hear one shot from another.
Sometimes, he fired with his eyes closed. Sometimes he fired slowly, taking his time between shots. Sometimes he shot shapes into the target. Accuracy wasn't the only thing he was aiming for. He was aiming for control and the ability to do trick shots. His confidence had taken a shake yesterday and he was trying to recover it.
"You're doing really well, Train. You want to come in? I'll make you some breakfast." I said.
"Maybe in a while." Train said, grinning at me like nothing had happened.
His smile was strained though, like it was an immense effort to continue smiling.
"You don't have to pretend to be okay. I know how shaken you are after what happened. You know, I'm still available to talk whenever you need to." I said.
"I'll think about it. You want to do target practice with me? You can make nanomachine bullets, right?" Train asked. I nodded.
"I can make some. But my body will run low on nanomachines if I do too many. I do better with melee weapons and turning my body into weapons." I said. I took aim at the target and fired a bullet directly into the bullseye.
"Nice shot, Princess!" Train cheered. I sighed and sat there, watching as Train finished shooting and came in with me. I made some breakfast for him. It was really more like brunch now. It was too late for breakfast at almost 11.
But Train ate, seeming to eat more slowly than usual. He'd slowed down eating in general lately. But it seemed almost like he wasn't hungry. He was eating, but didn't seem to take much pleasure in eating like he usually did. He finished his plate, thanking me and putting the plate in the sink, washing it and setting it to dry in the drainer.
"I'm gonna go take a shower." Train said. I nodded. I could tell that he wasn't ready to talk yet. But I wasn't going to let him forget that I was available for him whenever he was.