Chapter 23
Sonic to the Future
43 years after the events of Chapter 22: Family Reunion…
Sonic was now a boomer. He sat alone in his dark apartment, in a large black leather chair; his sweat glued him to his eternal prison. Police sirens screamed outdoors and occasional gunshots would increase Sonic's already fast and unstable heart rate. The silly pacemaker wasn't doing it's job. A small TV screen illuminated the room with the soft flickers of the 1989 Daytona 500. Behind the moldy carpet that was Sonic's equivalent of a sofa, a record hummed tunes of Alvin and the Chipmunks, his favorite cartoon characters that came to the hospital to see him when he was a Make a Wish Hedgehog. The turntable had long been broken and was slowed to the point where the voices sounded normal. The city shut his water and electricity off, yet Sonic powered his TV with a gas powered generator in the spare bedroom, the exhaust pipe didn't reach the window. Black smoke slowly filled the teeny weeny megabyte-size apartment. Sonic didn't care. He kept the door shut to keep the smoke out of the kitchen; there was an angry smoke detector in there that yells,
"A well a everybody's heard about the bird
B-b-b bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word
A well a bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word
A well a bird, bird, bird, well the bird is the word
A well a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word"
when there is a fire. The landlord hated this. Picking up the remote, Sonic changed the input of the television from the rumbling growls of late 80's NASCAR to the twangy music and gritty graphics from his childhood Sega Genesis. Sonic's face, covered by a grey beard like a large mustache that extended on the side of his head as he held a black Sega Genesis controller in his shaky boomer hands (parkinson's disease). His white, shaky boomer eyes (parkinson's disease) gazed at the young blue hedgehog sprinting through Green Hill Zone with some bumpin Sonic music! Rad, man!
A tear spawned on Sonic's shaky boomer face (parkinson's disease). Sonic's life didn't turn out as well as he wanted it to, like most boomers. On the other hand, Knuckles was sentenced 50 years and 3 days and 16 hours and 87 minutes and 124.65 seconds and 5 inches in prision for incest as well as possession and smuggling of child pornogrpahy from Quantanamo Bay. Knuckles used his 16 indian wives to create crotch monsters (children), which he then used to film naked child videos for distribution and "self satisfaction." Rouge is currently a potion seller (and experienced prostitute){mostly the second one} in the streets of St. Sonic New York Land, the hometown of Sonic University. Rouge set a world record for obtaining the most STDs in one sitting, or shall we say squatting? A side point worth noting is that STDs were created by the Democratic Dominion and Executive Ministry of the Sovereign Socialist Democratic Republic of Sonic of Mobius (DDEMSSDRS) in a to fight off all the chaos chuds back before Sonic's days as a sexcrazed blue speedster. Charmy Bee pays alimony upwards of more than his life savings to his previous 17 wives who left him all for Bee Larry King and the biggest pollen jocks of the hive. He has more children than genghis khan. He lives under the A in Atlantic, nobody likes it there. Or at least they don't like him there. What a gay fag tard! Arthur Reed ended up in a mental institute for destruction of public structures, obstruction of justice, hate crimes against the majorities, as well as public indecency. He is currently on parole... nevermind he's free [shit]. He is currently a park sweep at Nintendo Land Universal, often times using the cigarettes he finds on the ground for his own enjoyment. He is paid 28.50 rings an hour, plus any season passes or children that guests leave behind. Arthur doesn't believe in Social Security deposits [a fellow man of anti-boomer culture]. Arthur says that Jeffery Epstein didn't kill himself.
Sonic looked around his habitat, "Man, where did my life go?" Sonic questioned. Life didn't work in his flavor. After the New Sonic University was constructed (since Arthur Reed spontaneously combusted the old campus with a nuclear warhead), Sonic never received the address of the new school. Thus, our antagonist never received his college degree in SPEED and GOING FAST engineering! Despite the lack of college education, Sonic held multiple jobs over the course of his stupid uncultured boomer life. He is currently unemployed after being fired as an inept and sterile band director when his marching band had the largest place drop in BOA history, 3rd to 20th baby!
"I wish I could return to my wacky, wavy, inflatable college days! I was so young and hip wit da kidz." Sonic whined. He looked down at his shaky beer belly (type 2 diabetes) underneath his stained wife beater; he hasn't seen his penis or his parents in 17 years. He hasn't made love since college either. Amy died in a Logan Square parking garage on Dec. 16, 2014, after she took a cab home from a night of drinking. Amy was getting fat anyways. There was a three car pile up and two toddlers died in the front seat of the other car. The third car was driven by Big the Cat whomst died on impact. Lightning Mcqueen witnessed the crash and stated to Forbes, "Kachow."
"Damn! I miss being able to get hard, like all the way up to the tip, man!" Sonic began to churn his brain for an idea, like an old mixer attempting to stir green eggs and ham for dead Uncle Elie. "I gotta get back!" Sonic rang for his nerdass friend, Miles Tails Prower. The phone shook in his boomer hands (parkinson's disease, again) as he dialed the number of his ol' buddies residence. Sonic was indeed nervous to call Tails since they parted ways after college. Sonic thought it would be funny to expose Tails's "wet dream watch" and how he swapped bodies with Vanilla the Rabbit. Kroger was able to swap the bodies back and then the lawsuits flowed in. Sonic wasn't sure how Tails has been doing since. Sonic tried to suck in his gut (fails) and hit the green dial button on his cellular device.
"Flint you have a call, Flint you have a call" sang Tails's phone.
"What the hell, Sonic! It's 3:am in the morning!" Tails bitched. "I got frickin work tomorrow, dude!" Tails explained to Sonic how he became the CEO of Tails's Nerdass Hardware Inc and Great Groceries Economic Resources (TNHIGGER). They made nerdy science shit for nerdy science shitheads, like the person reading this fanfiction. Tails had invested 47 shares in Sonic Team when he was 13; 20 years later he used the money to start his own business. Meanwhile, Sonic wears adult diapers. "This better be good, fucking porchmonkey!" Steamed Tails.
"Tails, Im sorry. But, I need your help!" Sonic cried like an 8 year girl old getting her first menstrual bicycle. "I gotta go back! My college days! I miss them, man. I was young and hip, and now I'm a godforsaken boomer." A bloody tear ran down Sonic's boomer face, all old and grody.
"Dang. Come over in 3." Said Tails with a slight amount of sympathy. Sonic hung the phone up and ran to Tails's mansion. Sonic was the fastest of the fastest, but not as fast as college Sonic. Boomer's are indeed slow, physically and mentally. A fire ignited from his thighs rubbing. I guess you can say he was really burning his calories!
Sonic arrived at Tails's mansion, and it only took him 24 minutes! What a fatass! Damn place was down the block! He stumbled up to Tails's front door with a giant T on it, slightly under the influence majorly. His greasy hands violated the doorbell button, changing the color of the button from caucasian to mexican.
"Chime! Chime! Welcome to your new home! Fuckin bitch ass yee yee motherfucker!" Said the naughty doorbell. Tails had a rich person Ring™ doorbell. He could see when the Amazon™ employees and the UPS™ employees were duking it out and having nip slips and... pooping? Stinky, stinky, poopee, uh oooh. The large door creaked open. Tails had a large door with a giant T on it since he was rich. He is infact a CEO (cock enhancing official - platinum rank).
"Enter said Tails." Said Tails. Sonic had not seen Tails in quite some time. Tails wore a suit (to bed) and had on Blender Sunglasses and a gold watch that was so heavy that the weight made his left arm longer than his right. His hair was swooped back and he smelled like a masculine breath mint from Old Spice. Along with the primary gold watch, three Sonic Smart Watches were on each arm to tell the time in every African country that still existed, and a digital monocle covered his left eye. Sonic could tell that Tails was playing Smash Ultimate in his digital monocle (and he's a shit-eatting PAC MAN main). Tails crossed his arms at the sight of the bum that Sonic was with his stupid boomer beard, stupid boomer face, and stupid boomer naked body (Sonic removed the full adult diaper at the local Thorton's Gas Station when he made a pit stop). Tails was rich. Sonic almost got a boner, but that would make him GAY! "Ok, boomer. Welcome to the residence of Miles Prower!" Tails boasted as he drug Sonic in.
Sonic entered and died.
The End.
Just kidding.
Sonic entered Tails's super mansion and was blown away (not sexually) by all the cool rich shit Tails had. There were a million flat screen TVs, each with their own Nintendo Switch Pro playing Sonic Mania Plus with DLC included $59.99 at EB Games. Tails also had a race car collection, the garage contained some Crazy Taxis and Daytona stock cars. There were poker tables, pool tables, kitchen tables,, and excel tables in every corner! The hot tubs were upside down! Tails was rich enough to make his own gravity! Many science experiments filled the lab stations. It was super tweakin. There was too much for Sonic to look at since Tails was so rich.
"Follow me, boomer." Tails spoke in a rich voice. They entered one of the lab stations. Tails grabbed a helmet with tons of metal spindles flooding out of the top. "Follow me to the garage, boomer." Said Tails yet again in his rich voice.
They entered the garage with all the race cars. "I don't know how to thank you, buddy!" Said Sonic. Tails glared at him. "Buddy" might not have been the appropriate term. The iconic duo parted ways when Tails contiuned being a scholar and Sonic took on hardcore methamphetamine right after college. This along with Sonic exposing Tails did not make the friendship stand the test of time. Also, Tails hated Buddy the Elf, Will Ferrell ass. Sonic blushed and quietly changed the topic. "What ride we takin'?" He asked. Tails didn't say a word as he grabbed a set of keys and speed walked over to a car like a freshman in the hallway.
"This one, boomer." Said Tails. The car consisted of stainless steel and a bunch of sciency shit covering the rest of the exterior. Tails popped open one of the gullwing doors to unveil an interior also full of sciency shit. Yes, it's the DeLorean from Back to the Future. What did you think it was, Tow fuckin Mater?
"Hop in, boomer." Tails spoke in a soft, yet still rich voice.
Sonic jumped into the DeLorean. "whOA!" Sonic cried as his shaky boomer ass (type 2 diarrhea) fell into the grey leather seat. The car was a little lower than he thought, catching him off guard like a Jew in 1942. "Safety first!" He smiled as he buckled his seatbelt. This was a lame attempt to make his ex best friend, Tails, laugh. The attempt failed.
"Shut up, boomer." Tails said as he passed Sonic the metal helmet. Tails strapped the contraption onto Sonic's head.
"What does this lil guy do?" Sonic asked about the helmet. Tails began to cover Sonic's arms and legs in sensors attached to the metal spindles connected to the top of the helmet. Sonic shook as some boner juice filled his peepee. This was the first occasion that anyone has touched him since fatass Amy died. Sonic held the boner juice at a minimum today since a guy was touching him and a royal busty would make sonic GAY.
"Well, the DeLorean takes you back to a time period. Yet, you would still be stuck in your old bulbous belligerent boomer body." Tails said as he entered science mode. "This helmet paired with the immensely colossal magnitude of these age sensors will alter the molecular structure of yourself using microwaves, returning to your adolescent college self." Said Tails with a small micro boner from all the science lingo.
"English, Tails!" Sonic cried as he jabbed his partner in the side of his ribs.
"Fuck!" Winced Tails. Still hunched over, Tails explains, "the helmet makes you young again as you travel back in time, fucker!" Screamed Tails. He was heaving from the pain of Sonic's fast jab since Sonic was the fastest and most furious. Tails regained his composure and wished Sonic good luck and good riddance. "You've seen the movies right?" Asked Tails. "Like, you know how to work this thing?"
"No." Said Sonic. Who the hell hasn't seen Back to the Future. Tails turned his head toward the camera, Sonic did the same. "You know who you are." Sonic griefed. Tails then looked back at Sonic and Sonic did the same. They chose to continue Sonic University after this awkward 4th wall break, we gotta chapter to finnish.
"Tails sighed, sighed tails" sighed Tails. Tails plumped down next to Sonic in the passenger seat and gestured to the numbers on the dashboard, "The first set of numbers is when you are, and the second set is when you want to go." "Well shit on my chest and call me a scatman" said Sonic as he jumped through the ceiling of the car out of excitement and meth. Tails groaned on. He didn't have any time for shitting on mens chests tonight, "And here are the buttons to change the time, this will engage the flux capacitor in the trunk, causing distortions in the space time continue screen, sending you anywhere in time." Sonic nodded with both heads. His head head and his penis head, he did in fact have a raging boner from the cool movie car.
"Here you are" Tails threw a Kim Possible walky talky at sonic with the speed of a thousand suns, nearly breaking the stitches on his head. "We will use this to communicate."
"But how will it work if we are in different times?" questioned Sonic, the fastest.
"Don't ask questions you aren't prepared to handle the answers to" Tails said with malicious intent.
"Good luck, boomer!" Cried Tails as he slammed the passenger door shut, leaving Sonic in the DeLorean all by himself. It sure was quiet. All of a sudden, the ground lifted up through the ceiling of the garage. This brought the DeLorean and Sonic to the dark sky above Tails's castle. Rain poured down onto the windshield of the time machine and some liquid began to pour down Sonic's boomer face. It was sweat, sweat! Not semen, pervert. Sonic looked up at the dark sky as rain fell down from the heavens above. For the first time since college, he was gonna do something. A tear ran down his boomer face as the age reducing helmet rested on top of him, weighing him down.
"BBBZZZZ! Start the car, Sonic!" Tails said over the radio. Sonic stomped on the clutch and turned the key. The engine cranked to life as all the electronic time travel equipment lit up the once dark cock pit of the time machine. Sonic was overwhelmed. He can't fuck this up! "Yo, put the car into fly mode! Press one of the red buttons under the gear shifter." Said Tails. Sonic didn't know which one, so he began to mash random buttons. Sonic pressed one button, the seat began to vibrate and warm up, slowly Sonic could feel a bump rising from the seat. As it grazed his pooper hole, he clenched his buttocks and it ripped the leather seat asunder with a ear raping "csdcdsfgdcc".
"Hey! Turn that off that's for me only."
Sonic frantically pressed more buttons trying to fix everything, but just like all the other times, he only made things worse. Like he always does.
This is why momma left you.
He pressed another button and the seat went all the way back into sleep mode.
"WAKE UP, IDIOT ASSHOLE!" Tails was angry over the radio. Sonic almost cried. The seat jolted up, apologized, and went back to sitting mode. Sonic pulled a suspicious lever, the car began to play a mashup of the Flintsones and Megalovania, the bass was so loud the frame began to shake like a dreddle on the third day of hanuka (jew christmas). Sonic pressed some more buttons.
"Yikes!" Screamed Sonic as the car made a loud humming noise. He found the correct button and the wheels began to squeak into their hovercraft position. The car lurched upward and began to hover on the small pad above Tail's skyscraper. "Oh my god, oh my god." Said Sonic. The rain began to pour even harder. Quickly, he punched in the date of his first day of college, making him a freshman at Sonic University once again. "Aight, Imma bout to head out." Sonic chuckled as he gripped the wheel and zoomed off into the rainy, night sky.
"Safe travels, boomer." Tails's wished over the radio. Sonic looked down, the mansion's lights were growing smaller and smaller. The speedometer approached 65 speed and the car began to experience some turbulence in the air. Sonic grew a little nervous. He glanced behind his seat to make sure nobody was gonna burst in and hijack his flying object. "Sonic, you're fine. There are no passenger, or Saudi Aribans onboard tonight." Tails could read minds since he was so rich. The speed of the DeLorean grew closer to the target speed, 88 speed. Suddenly, the car dipped and shook. "Tighten your grip on the wheel to fight the turbulence!" Tails shouted.
"AAAAAAAaaaaaaahhhhh sHIT!" Screamed Sonic. He wrangled the wheel back and forth, like a tard child, getting the time machine back under his control. "Yeah, aw shit. No pun intended." Sonic took a massive deuce, burning a hole through the driver's seat. Steam from the hedgehog manure began to fill the car. Sonic cracked a window, leaving a chemtrail behind the flying DeLorean just like a Government Airplane.
Tails could sense the nuclear shit chemtrail and noticed the car begin to violently shake and grind as the poop tried to burn through the floor panels. "Thats it. Were done!" Tails pulled out a remote control panel to bring the car back to his residence. "You fuckin show up randomly for the first time in years and use my shit! Then take a shit!" Screamed Tails. "Fuckin kike!" Tails was steamed, just like Sonic's White Castle rat meat infested poop. He attempted to bring the DeLorean back, flipping on the remote control. Unluckily for Tails, Sonic was finally at 88 speed. The time traveling gear lit up and flickered around him as the car made a screeching noise like when I hit my dog with a sparkler. The helmet and sensors on Sonic also lit up, starting to making him younger.
"Dang! We're going fast!" Screamed Sonic. "Not as fast as me, tho ;)" The car exploded back in time, out of Tails's sight.
"Fuckin plebian!" Pouted Tails as he threw the controller on the ground. He went inside his garage, taking one more glance up at the sky. Trails of smoke began to vanish, along with the nasty chemtrail, were Sonic once flew.
What was this chapter about? Oh yeah.
"RRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!111" Screamed Sonic as he traveled back in time. The car had stopped shaking and zoomed straight forward without rumbling. Thousands of colors filled the windows as Sonic passed through the space time continue screen. "HEEHEEHEE!" Sonic giggled as the helmet and the age reducing process began to kick in. Sonic's muscles began to grow (slightly), his beard went away along with his boomer wrinkles, the stains in his white gloves faded out of existence, and Sonic's beer belly retracted into his chest. He was his fit and hip college self again! "Fuck yeah!" Said Sonic. "Shit! Wait!" Sonic cried.
"Pop!" Said Sonic's crotch. For the first time in 17 years, Sonic saw the dark blue shaft of his penis! "Yaaaaaaaaay!" Sonic cheered. He was a new man, or old man, idk. "I've gotta test it!" Sonic then shot urine all over the dashboard of the car. Sonic grew angry. "Wrong choice motherfucker!" He shouted as he punched his dick in the face. Immediately the azul cock begame rock hard, all the way to the tip! Sonic gazed down on his mighty manhood and smiled, he did this for a little bit too long and almost reactivated his gay gene. Despite this, his penis still became rock hard in literally 2 seconds, it's a Christmas miracle! This happened because whenever someone is horny, any pain they receive is converted into pleasure. Sonic had been horny for decades, and now he could finally see his manhood again. It didn't help that he lived next to a playground, with a perfect view of the jungle jim outside of his bathroom window. Sonic jerked his meat while thinking of jungle jim, swing set, and metal slide that burns little kid butt cheeks and came all over the windshield in 3 strokes. His baby gravy got all over the headliner, yes it went that high. College Sonic was strong(er than boomer Sonic).
In a blink of an eye, the DeLorean entered back into reality. Sonic sat up and gazed out the cum-covered window. The space time continue screen turned into a perfect day; the sun was out and the sky was blue (not as blue as Sonic since he was the fastest). "There it is!" He beamed. "The old Sonic University! Home of the Hedgehogs!" Multiple blue-bricked buildings erected up from the ground in a 100 mile radius. It was a big, grand ol' campus with tons of hedgehog history and plenty of speed for the average crackhead major. 2.6 zillion college students wandered around the grassy patches of the largest college campus in the galaxy. Books in hand and Sonic Speed energy drinks in their pockets for when lecturers get boring, the students gawked up at the sky as Sonic's vehicle zoomed past with a chemtrail right behind. The students prevented sun damage to their eyes with their August 21st, 2017 Solar Eclipse Glasses they saved over the years since they were a requirement to enroll at Sonic University. "Look at all those kids!" Sonic was back!