Disclaimer: I heard that Harry Potter owns himself. Definitely not me, at any rate.
A/N: Two fics in one day? What? And both Crack!Fics? What has happened to JaguarAJG?
Anyway, I got bored and started reading some Chuck Norris jokes, and figured it would be funny if Harry had his own ones.
Anyway, enjoy!
Edit: Forgot the Disclaimer!
I heard that…
In a very normal street in London, England, there is a pub that to most seems perfectly normal. It's name is the Leaky Cauldron. It is, of course, a wizarding pub, used by most to simply pass through on their way to Diagon Alley. If you listen, however, to the perfectly ordinary citizens that decide to have a bit to drink, you can overhear some very… interesting stories.
Marvin, for that was the man's name, walked up to a small table in the corner, levitating four tankards of butterbeer for himself and his friends, Johnathan, Franklin and Steven.
"Marv!" Franklin cried out in greeting. "Heard the news!"
"Of course my friend. Boy-Who-Lived vanquishes You-Know-Who for the second time!"
"You know," Steven, who was on his fifth glass, slurred out. "I heard that You-Know-Who refers to Harry Potter as You-Know-Who!"
"Hah! That's nothin'," Jonathan laughed. "I heard that when a boggart sees another boggart, they both turn into Harry Potter!"
"Good evenin' folks," a bushy headed man called, sliding in besides them. "The name's Barnaby. I heard you talking about the young Mr Potter?"
"Yeah! Did you know that Harry Potter doesn't wear a watch?"
"No… why doesn't he?"
"He doesn't need one. He decides what time it is!"
"Ha! Oh, you know that film that came out a little while ago, Mission Impossible?"
Barnaby nodded. "Uh huh."
"I heard that it was originally meant to be set in Harry Potter's house, but it was too impossible."
"I heard that Death once had a near Harry Potter encounter."
"I heard that Harry Potter is the reason Wally is in hiding."
"I heard that Harry Potter makes onions cry."
"I heard that Harry Potter doesn't negotiate with Death Eaters. Death Eaters negotiate with Harry Potter."
"I heard that Ghosts tell Harry Potter stories around the campfire."
"I heard that Harry Potter made a Happy Meal cry."
"I heard that aliens are real, they are just hiding from Harry Potter."
"Wait wait wait… are these all for real?" Barnaby asked, incredulous.
"Sure! He's Harry Potter. Harry Potter doesn't even need to breathe, he just holds air hostage."
"I heard that Harry Potter likes to build snowmen out of rain."
"I heard that Harry Potter once broke the Space-Time Continuum with an expelliarmus, but he felt bad, so he put it back together."
"I heard that when Harry Potter enters the room, he doesn't turn on the lights, he turns off the dark."
"I heard that there is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Harry Potter hasn't gotten round to killing yet."
"I heard that if you want to see Harry Potter's latest enemies, you should check the obituary."
"I heard that if Harry Potter had been on the Titanic, the iceberg would have dodged."
"I heard that a Basilisk once bit Harry Potter. After five days of agony, it died."
"I heard that Harry Potter Kisses Dementors."
"I heard that if a werewolf bites Harry Potter, it gets cured."
"I heard that Harry Potter's tears cure Dragon Pox. Too bad he never cries."
"I heard that the dinosaurs looked at Harry Potter the wrong way. Well… you know what happened."
"Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Harry Potter."
"I heard that Harry Potter found the last digit of Pi."
"I heard that Harry Potter has counted to infinity. Twice."
"I heard that when Harry Potter apparates, he doesn't move. Everything else does."
"I heard that Harry Potter does not sleep. He waits."
"I heard that if it tastes like chicken, feels like chicken and looks like chicken, but Harry Potter says its beef, its beef."
"I heard that Harry Potter can unscramble eggs."
"I heard that when Harry Potter looks in a mirror, it smashes. Not even a mirror is stupid enough to get between Harry Potter and Harry Potter."
"When Harry Potter was born, there was a three thousand percent increase in expelliarmus related deaths."
"I heard that the Big Bang was just Harry Potter creating a new expelliarmus."
"I heard that if Harry Potter somehow fought himself, both would win."
"I heard that Harry Potter can hear sign language."
"I heard that Harry Potter can kill your imaginary friends."
"I heard that when Harry Potter goes to a restaurant, the waiter tips him."
"I heard that when Harry Potter enters a flaming building, the Harry Potter alarm goes off."
"I heard that when aurors approach Harry Potter, they say they have the right to remain silent."
"I heard that Harry Potter doesn't call the wrong floo. You answer the wrong fireplace."
"I heard that the snitch catches itself to avoid Harry Potter."
"I heard that Harry Potter plays Russian Roulette with a full revolver and wins."
"I heard that Harry Potter once had a heart attack. His heart lost."
"I heard that Harry Potter was once given an essay on what courage is. He got an A* for a blank sheet of parchment with his name."
"I heard that Chuck Norris is scared of Harry Potter."
"Hold up!" Barnaby cried. "Chuck Norris?"
Franklin smiled sheepishly. "OK. Maybe that was a bit foolish."
o0o0o
Meanwhile, in a bar in Hollywood.
In the corner of a bar, a man was cowering. This was not an uncommon site, except for the identity of the coward.
"Hey, mate?" a generic actor asked the man.
"No," that other actor replied. "I just had an autograph session, and a fan came up to me."
The actor frowned. "And?"
Chuck Norris turned around, eyes wide with fear. "It was Harry Potter."
A/N: So how where they? Some were actually from my own imagination!
Anyway, please check out my other fics, notably my new fic, 'Fun With Names'! The only one not discontinued, and post my fanfic renaissance! Yay!
Please review!