A few days after we got back from Virginia, Eddie and Sydney took Christian into town for a feeding and to run errands. They made me stay behind to get some more rest. I refused at first, but Mikhail agreed to stay back with me. Plus, Sydney pointed out that my arm bandages might draw too much attention. I was annoyed I still had them on, but my accelerated healing hadn't caught up with all my injuries yet. I begrudgingly agreed with her and snuggled in on the couch as they left.

Mikhail joined me on the other side, and we put on some trashy reality tv show neither of us knew anything about. It was so cheesy we couldn't help but laugh at all the moments the contestants were trying to be serious. It didn't suit them, but it made excellent entertainment for us. Things were going great until things took a romantic turn. I was suddenly disinterested in what was happening on screen, and Mikhail noticed my unease. He flipped the tv off, and after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence he began to speak.

"Do you regret saving him?" He asked, catching me off guard.

"Of course not," I answered him. I couldn't seem to form a more coherent response than that.

"But he's not really back, is he? I mean, don't get me wrong, I believe he's a dhampir again. But he doesn't... act like he did before," he said carefully, not wanting to push me too far. This wasn't exactly where I had seen my day of rest going, but I felt compelled to give him an answer.

"He is in some ways. He was always serious, driven, focused... but now he has so much pain and guilt trapped inside him. And I understand why. When you become like that, ruthless and bloodthirsty... I mean, of course it was bound to change him in some ways. I suppose it was naive of me to think everything was going to go back to the way it was. I really thought if it worked, he would run into my arms and we would go back to the way we were," I gave a dry laugh as I delivered my statement.

I was surprised how easy it felt sharing with Mikhail. But if there was anyone who would understand my feelings, it was him. I could never talk to Lissa in this same way. She was so wrapped up in the healing process that she didn't care about my feelings in the situation. It was almost nice to get it off my chest.

"What was it like, when he was restored? I heard about it from the guardians on the inside but..." he trailed off.

"It was terrifying, actually. Christian had him trapped in a ring of fire, and Lissa charged him with a stake. I had no idea where it came from, and I wasn't quick enough to stop her. It took her two hands and all the strength in her body to do it. When it happened, a warm, bright light shone out and encompassed the room. And then, all of the sudden, he was back. He looked so vulnerable, curled up with Lissa. But he was alive, and I swear to God I had never felt happier in my entire life. Then the guardians came for him, and it was kind of a mess after that. I think you know the rest," I summed up for him.

Telling the story was kind of exhausting. It was one thing to talk about it to someone who doubted. Then it was easy to let myself share the account to convince them he was a dhampir again. It was clinical in the way I described it, sticking to the facts. But telling Mikhail, someone who understood what the restoration meant to me, felt overwhelming.

"I think the thing that hurts the most is that he has this second chance at life and he just wants to throw it all away. I mean, not that protecting Lissa is throwing his life away. Just that he's not really living. He'll spend the rest of live just going through the motions, unless he learns to forgive himself," I added after he didn't respond.

"Really? That's what hurts the most? Not that he dumped you?" he watched me flinch at the last part before adding, "sorry. I probably could have worded that better."

"That part definitely hurts. But I didn't just do it for me, so that I could have him back. I did it because I knew he never wanted to be strigoi. I wanted to free him from that more than anything. If he wanted me back, well, that would have been a bonus," I felt so much pain in that moment. I knew it was true, but still. I came on this mission to forget about Dimitri, not to be reminded of him.

"I've thought about that too, when I think about Sonya. If I could do what you did, save her. I mean, she willingly turned to get away from the spirit darkness. As much as I want her back, I'm not sure she would want to be. I mean, I know she doesn't want to be strigoi. But ever since I learned about the restoration, I can't stop wondering if it would be the right thing to do," he said.

I could tell this was a hard thing for Mikhail to admit to me. The look on his face explained just how much he loved Sonya. He also understood that it might be impossible for people to accept someone like Sonya, who had made the change willingly, back into society. It was hard enough for Dimitri, who had been changed against his will during battle.

"What does your heart say?" I asked him. It was an unusual question for guardians to consider. We were taught the only things that mattered were in our charges, and the instinct to protect them.

"My heart says she would want to be back here. Maybe not in the way things were before, but with the way spirit has progressed, I think she would want to be here to see that. Even though she struggled with the darkness, I know she loved the magic," he confessed.

"Did you come here hoping you would find her?" I asked. He hesitated before answering.

"Sort of. But I've hoped I could find her ever since she turned. And I really was sick of paperwork... I know we can't restore her without a spirit user," he sounded so sad in that moment, I went against my beliefs and promised something I wasn't sure I could deliver on.

"If we find her... I promise I will do what I can to help restore her. We'll just have to break some rules and recruit a spirit user," I was sincere through the first part of my statement, though I used a light tone to try and diffuse some of the heavy mood we had created.

"Thanks, Rose. I appreciate that. Even if it is impossible," he replied.

"If I've learned anything in my short time on this earth, it is that nothing, and I mean nothing, is impossible."

From there our serious conversation dissolved, and we turned the tv back on when we heard the crunch of gravel under tires from outside. No need to let anyone else in on our heart to heart, though I didn't think anyone here would judge us for it.

As much as I hated letting that side of me out, I felt better after talking. It still hurt like hell to think about Dimitri, but the time apart should help that. Hopefully with me staying away from him he would be able to work through some of the guilt and pain.

We both went outside and helped the others bring in groceries. They had really decided to stock up, and I didn't think I had ever seen so much food for five people. Christian got to work cooking dinner and I decided it was a good time to check my email.

I had received a response from Queen Tatiana, albeit a short one. It just said "Report Received". Another message was also waiting in my inbox, this one from Hans Croft. It was details for our next mission, and I skimmed it quickly, wanting the basics before I dove into note taking after dinner.

The target was a group of four strigoi who liked to hang out around one of the moroi protected colleges to see if they could catch any leaving the wards. They had recently moved to the area and were starting to cause trouble for those who wanted to engage in the nightlife scene. I wondered if they had a certain moroi hangout spot like they had in Russia. Their home base was unknown, and we didn't need to get any information from them. It was a simple kill mission.

I let everyone know at dinner we had our next mission, and we decided to wait until tomorrow to have our strategy session. Eddie let me know we had some very important matters to attend to first. He led me into the living room after dinner and I watched as he and Christian set up a gaming console they had bought earlier in the day.

We couldn't play games online, but that only meant we had to challenge each other. It was fun to see everyone let their guard down as the competitive spirits in the room battled it out. Eddie and I were completely deadlocked in Mario Kart, but his Bowser beat out my Yoshi at the last second. I tried to take the loss gracefully, but after watching Mikhail beat Christian, I knew I would be able to take him down in the loser's match. Waluigi never stood a chance.

We ended up playing for way longer than I expected. It was a fun way to spend an evening, and I couldn't help but wish Lissa was here to experience it. I know she would have fun laughing at Christian's terrible video game skills. It also made me think of Dimitri, and how I wished I could see him as relaxed as the other male guardians. I wondered if he'd ever played a video game in his life.

When I handed over my controller to let Sydney try a round, she immediately picked Princess Peach and started explaining to Eddie what character and vehicle combinations were the most likely to win a match. Then the roles reversed, and we all laughed as he tried to teach her how to steer. She may understand the algorithm behind the game, but that doesn't help if you can't use the controller.

While everyone was preoccupied trying to help her, I quietly sat back to check in on Lissa. I just wanted to do a quick peek and make sure she was okay.

So of course I picked a moment I couldn't easily pull myself away from.

Lissa was in the chambers with Guardian Croft, Queen Tatiana, and Dimitri. It seemed her "committee" Lissa was so intent on joining wasn't really a committee at all, just two people making major decisions. Lissa and therefore Dimitri would add two more perspectives, and as much as I hated that she gave up on college, I was glad to have her view on things represented.

"From the report, it sounds like they took care of these targets no problem. We'll see how they do with the next ones, but we might want to send some more difficult ones that way," Hans was saying when I joined.

"No problem? Rose was injured," Dimitri raised a brow as he spoke in the direction of the head guardian. I was surprised at his tone, he wasn't one to push back against authority.

"Well of course some minor injuries are to be expected," Queen Tatiana said firmly.

Lissa had the report gripped tightly in her hands, eyes pouring over every word I had typed. She had printed off her own copy and from the looks of the paper, she had made her own notes in the margins. I laughed, wishing she could send her list of critiques my way. They might help me get a better response from the Queen.

"We could help them on the next mission. Even out the odds," Lissa suggested, speaking more to Hans than Tatiana. I knew she was trying to appeal to his logical side. He didn't take the bait.

"If anyone can handle this mission, it's Hathaway and Company. Plus, if you were there, they would be focused on protection and not elimination," He said simply.

I could feel Lissa's disappointment as Queen Tatiana excused them. She didn't want to push anyone too far yet, realizing just how big it was that Tatiana let her in on the mission anyway. I suspected it was so the Queen knew Lissa wouldn't try running off after us. Giving Lissa info was a compromise on her part, one that still put her in control of the situation.

Lissa and Dimitri walked in silence back to her place. I wanted to tear myself out of her head, but I relished the looks she shot over her shoulder at him. I wondered if she was doing it on the off chance I was looking, because I could sense her boredom with the motion. It made my heart clench, she knew just what to do to entice me back home. Too bad it wasn't working in the way she hoped.

Suddenly, Lissa asked Dimitri a question.

"Should we be worried that the strigoi they killed knew Rose? I can tell she downplayed that interaction in her report," Lissa asked. She saw Dimitri hesitate to answer and added, "be honest."

"Yes, Princess. We should be worried," Dimitri never let his guard down around his charge, but I could see his jaw clench tightly in frustration. I wasn't sure what he was feeling, but I knew it was nothing good.

I left Lissa with an uneasy feeling in my stomach. Maybe I had been taking things too lightly. If there were really hundreds of strigoi looking for me, I could be putting the entire group at risk. And what about James Alder? Our new mission didn't mention him, but I knew we would run into him eventually.

I said goodnight to the group and made my way upstairs, my mind weighed down with information.