Trigger Warning: References to Miscarriage and Grief

5th June 2014: Everything Is Still

Grief was a perception of something that two new parents to be didn't want. They weren't expecting to grieve and it was such a taboo subject no one really talked about the lasting effects of miscarriage but it was something which cut deep and tore them both apart even if they were reluctant to show it. They weren't together, he messed up, he ruined them by betraying vows of marriage and it hurt. The stress caused her to lose their baby and that's what hurt the most, that's the thing that cut deep. He couldn't deny that he felt trapped because he did but it was his own doing as always, she didn't deserve this, that baby didn't deserve this.

He saw her collapse in the street and it felt like his heart was ripped out, he felt sickened but deep down he got this feeling of it being the end, being the end of them and being the end of their baby. She was whisked off to the hospital and it hurt that he couldn't be there for their baby that was if their baby still existed he didn't know because he wasn't there. The amount of pain he felt was nowhere the amount she probably felt, yes Carla wasn't the ideal mother figure and many people thought she was a coldhearted cow but she loved that baby to the moon and back, that baby would be a part of her no matter what happened, that little baby would be a part of them no matter what happened but he couldn't help think that the baby didn't deserve him, after everything that happened that baby would be brought up with an alcoholic father who ruined the chance of it being brought up in a home which stable, now that baby would be brought up in a broken home, broken marriage with a mother who detested its father. That hurt.

She was sleeping peacefully in the hospital bed she was bound to, her limbs felt heavy like she was unable to move even if she wanted to. She felt deceived that the world around her was able to continue without her baby in it, her baby girl. She still smiled slightly at the thought of having a daughter, a little girl which would no doubt worship the ground she walked on, a little girl who would raid her mother's jewellery and attempt to stumble around in her expensive high heeled boots when she was older, these horrible visions influencing her body to let more tears fall because it really did hurt her. She never wanted a baby, then down to one mistake it happened and the more she thought about it the more she realised how lucky she was, the more she realised that she could do this, with the support of Peter, of course. He was the glue that stuck her back together, she never thought of having children with him but if there was someone who she wanted to have children with it would be him because, after all these years of seeing him with Simon, he was perfect in every single way, yes he had his demons and she had hers but that didn't matter, this baby would be the glue to piece them back together again. Their daughter would've made their family complete but now? Now, she was gone and that cut deep, that hurt, she couldn't do right for her baby which doubted her abilities in life entirely. At least her baby wouldn't be brought up in an environment with two warring parents, that was something she was thankful for.

He was walking through the sterile hospital corridors, he managed to direct himself to the maternity unit. He approached the desk and explained who he was and the midwife showed him to where Carla's room was, she explained that she was sleeping and that he was welcome to sit with her and he agreed, he wanted to be there even if she didn't want him to. In his hands was the teddy she brought their baby, the softness of the bear bringing him comfort, he psyched himself up to enter the room, he did with trepidation and sat on the chair beside the bed, he simply placed his hand in hers which roused her from her sleep, she turned to look at him, the unshed tears in her eyes, he could tell she wanted to apologise but he simply shook his head and placed the teddy in her hands. She breathed in the scent, the scent of their home, the scent of two happy people coming together to create a sense of happiness and love, she finally let the tears which had been threatening to fall since he arrived fall.

Neither of them knew what to say to each other, but somehow, after everything, both of them sitting silent beside each other was something they both needed. They took in each other's appearance and both of them were questioning how things got to this point. He simply took her hand and kissed it, she didn't pull away she just smiled and said,

"I'm sorry"

"Don't apologise, if you want someone to blame, blame me"

"After everything, you don't deserve the blame, it's life, it's what happens"

"I guess" he muses "I know you don't want to hear it from me, I'm so sorry"

"I know you are" she whispers "But there was no way you could've known this was going to happen, Peter, yes I hate you but she was our daughter, we made her together"

"A little girl" he responds, she nods "Our baby girl"

"Yeah, and she always will be" she states, he smiles slightly "I never thought I would love her, but I did, I loved her more than the world"

"I know you did, I loved her too, it's ok to be sad"

"I miss her" she whimpers he nods, he missed her too "I'll miss seeing her get bigger each day, I'll miss seeing her on that poxy ultrasound machine"

"Everything will be ok, you'll heal and you will find yourself again, I know my promises don't mean much but I will promise you that"

"Peter?"

"Yeah?"

"Here" she smiles taking off her wedding ring and placing it into his hand "Maybe one day eh?"

"Yeah, maybe but for now, we live our lives apart"

"And grieve for our baby girl"