Author's Note: Took longer than I wanted, but happy to get you Chapter 4 this evening. I ended up reworking/rewriting huge sections of this, and I'm sure there's still more that I absolutely could tweak more, but I reached a place where I felt like it was ready, so here we are. No clue when you should expect chapter 5...could be soon, could be another month-holidays are very busy around here.
No trigger warnings this time, but as always, take care of yourself if the general vibes of this story just aren't for you.
And if the house just keeps on winning
Got a wildcard up my sleeve
And if love keeps giving me lemons
I just mix them in my drink
"Bluebird," Miranda Lambert
"Welcome home," James said as they landed on a long stone drive way, a positively massive mansion—there was no other word for it—rising before them, all brick, with giant windows and with sweeping wings on either side of the towering front. The drive was lined with well-groomed hedges and trees. Lily immediately felt her breath hitch.
She was meant to live here? With him? And their son? Lily almost allowed herself to get swept away by the fairy-tale of it all, half expecting a fairy godmother to pop out at any moment. But then she refocused her mind, shaking her head. No need to go down that particular day dream at the moment.
"Shit," she breathed out. "This is…"
"Big enough that you can avoid me when I start getting on your nerves?" James supplied shooting her a wink. "That's the idea. I remember you like your space."
Lily didn't respond, allowing her initial shock at the sheer majesty of her new home, and an uncomfortable feeling to settle into her gut. She couldn't help but feel incredibly insecure and apprehensive about relying on James for the roof over their heads; it made her feel like a charity case, even though, Lily reminded herself firmly, she could have afforded a small house or apartment by herself. She was doing this for Harry, she thought stubbornly. Never mind the rest.
"I can pay rent, you know," she said to James, unable to hold back, as Harry sprinted ahead, weaving his way through the large hedges and trees.
"I'm sure you can," James replied, nodding. "But I won't take your money."
"James—"
"You've provided everything for three years. Let me take care of this."
"But if you get sick of us—"
"I won't—"
"Or find a significant other—"
"Okay, sure," James said, rolling his eyes.
"I need to know Harry and I aren't scrambling to find our own place," she finished, ignoring his interjections.
"Lily," James said, turning to her, crossing his arms, looking at her firmly. "I need you to understand: I would move out before I'd ask you and Harry to."
"But—"
"Besides," James said. "You might be the one kicking people out, not the other way around. Sirius lives here, too."
"Sirius—" Lily started as they neared the front door. "He lives here?"
James let out a little laugh. "Don't act so surprised," he said, opening the door for her and Harry, ushering them in. "Come on."
The inside was, in a word, breathtaking. It was open and light, with large windows, high ceilings, marble floors, with tasteful décor that exceeded her expectations for two twenty-one year old men. To the left and right of the entry way were more rooms and a long hallway, with staircases on either side with balconies indicating more than three stories, at least.
"Whoa," Harry said, matching Lily's own expression. Whoa, indeed. She had always known James was rich, not because he been overly ostentatious with his wealth at Hogwarts, but there were always subtle things: new clothes and constant packages, fancy racing brooms, an endless supply of sweets purchased on the train or at Hogsmeade, plus he had that air about him, the one that Lily knew people with money always had. But seeing his home, where he grew up, where he lived…
That intimidated feeling was back in full force.
"Come on," James said, shaking her out of her reverie. "Let me give you the tour and you and Harry can pick rooms."
And so they went, through studies and libraries ("Because one simply must have more than one," Lily had joked when he showed her the second, smaller study), to the kitchen and "normal dining room," as well as the formal dining room, two living rooms, and the extensive grounds, with two greenhouses, a Quidditch pitch, a pond and a small forest. Lily was staggered, quite frankly, that this was somehow to become their home.
After selecting their rooms and waving her wand to unpack them, Lily met Harry and James back in the kitchen, slightly surprised to see James rolling up his sleeves, sharpening knives.
"You cook?" She asked, unsure why this surprised him so much.
"Of course," James said. "Who do you think keeps Sirius and I alive?"
"How can I help?" Lily asked, stepping toward the large island.
"You," James said, "Can pour yourself a glass of wine, and take a seat and relax. This is your first night in your new home, and I want to make it a relaxing one for you. Plus, Harry is going to be my assistant, right?"
Harry smiled and gave an enthusiastic cheer. "I said cake," Harry said, looking at Lily with a smile, "But James said no. We're making chicken."
"Chicken is perfect! You love chicken, Har!" Lily said as she poured her wine and settled in on a chair, observing the two of them. Harry was starting to warm up, slowly to James. After all three of them had woken up, snuggled together, it had been a bit awkward for Lily and James, but Harry seemed more at ease, as if he felt reassured James was someone who would take care of him. It would still take time, but things were progressing.
Now, she watched as James goofed around with Harry, poking him in the side, allowing Harry to pour seasoning on the chicken ("Just a dash, there's a lad," James said, watching over his shoulder). The two then set to work on making garlic mashed potatoes and roasting some green beans, creating the exact type of homey dish Lily had been craving.
"Thanks for cooking," Lily said as James passed her a plate and she poured his wine. Harry settled in his seat, and with a wave of her wand, his food was cut into manageable sized pieces, and he began to devour it.
"I'm happy to," James said. "I like the idea of family dinner."
"That's my man," A voice cut through the room, and Lily turned to see Sirius Black entering the room, black leather jacket thrown over a t-shirt, paired with well-worn jeans. "Always the little mother hen. Glad to see you survived the States," he said as he swept past the table, giving James a pat on his back, ruffling Harry's hair.
"Seer-us!" Harry called happily. Apparently, James had not been wrong when he said Black was good with kids. He had clearly made quite an impression on Harry.
"Good to see you, little hero," Black answered, sliding into a chair next to James. "You too, Evans."
"Hi, Black," she smiled, taking a sip of wine.
"So, I understand we're meant to be roommates," Black said, giving her a firm look, but his eyes seemed to hold a touch of playfulness.
"That's the general plan," Lily said, waving a wand to summon him a plate, which he accepted with a nod of thanks.
"We'll need some ground rules, Evans," he said, summoning his own wine glass and bottle.
"Fair enough," she replied, shooting James a quick look. "Any non-negotiables, Potter?"
"Eh, eh eh," Black interjected. "Me first. Very simple. If any of us gets p-r-e-g-a-n-t, "he spelled, "I get to know first. And I want godfather dibs."
Lily choked on her wine, while James let out a strangled cry.
"I don't think—" she coughed out.
"I didn't imply anything," James said loudly. "He's being a dick."
"Right, of course," Lily said as Black seemed to cackle with amusement, smiling wickedly at the two of them. "Merlin, this will be fun, watching the two dancing around each other. Can't wait until Moony's back to commentate with me."
"Are you done with your little fun for now?" James asked, rolling his eyes dramatically and sending Lily another quick look of apology.
"Yes, I suppose. I do have some news," Sirius said, shooting James a quick look, the pair seeming to have a silent conversation.
"I can step out," Lily offered, unsure if her presence was making the conversation halt. After all, she knew James and Black were as close as could be. They undoubtedly had their own life she was intruding on; it was a different feeling than she had back in Hogwarts, where she felt shunted to the side and unimportant. This feeling was a sharp reminder, that while she had thought of James often, imagined his life—moments quite similar to what she was seeing now—she hadn't been here; that the picture of his current life was as much a mystery to her as her and Harry's life was to him.
"No," Black said, and James reached for her arm, giving her a light squeeze to signfy he agreed with his friend. "But maybe after the little guy goes down?"
Lily and James both hummed in agreement, and the four continued their dinner, a new tension present, but not an unpleasant meal overall. Lily then took Harry to give him his bath as James and Sirius ("We're dropping the surnames," Sirius had said to her on the sly as dinner wrapped up, "that's my house rules,") cleaned up the dinner. Harry was exhausted from the excitement of the day so he thankfully went down easily.
"He's down," she said, coming in to witness the two whispering furiously, and as the two turned to her, she noticed a slight blush on James' face.
"Excellent," Sirius said, pouring her another glass of wine and motioning her to follow the pair of them into one of the living rooms. As Lily settled onto the plush couch, feeling the tension and anxiety rise within her.
"While you two were gone, we had an Order meeting," Sirius began after all three of them were seated and comfortable. "Dumbledore filled us all in on everything. It was unbelievable, hearing it all back. He told us about what happened," he said, turning to Lily. "I'll say this, Evans: you are even more of a bad ass than I ever gave you credit."
Lily let out a little laugh. "Lily, remember? No surnames?"
"Apologies," Sirius said giving her a smile. "But after all of that, he then told us who his man on the inside was," looking at James meaningfully while Lily sent them both a confused look that James clocked at once.
"Towards the end," James said, leaning forward, eyes turning to Lily. "Someone from Voldemort's circle turned. We started to get some leads then, really important ones. It's how we knew Voldemort chose Harry as the child for the prophecy, although we weren't told it in those exact words. We just knew Voldemort had gotten a huge lead on something he had been searching for, and that was it," bitterness creeping into his voice.
"Who is it?" Lily asked, eyes roving from James to Sirius.
"Regulus," Sirius said, taking a long drink of his wine.
"No! Regulus?" James asked, surprise and confusion lining his face.
"Apparently. Turned about a year ago. Gave Dumbledore some of the info that's been critical to your work, even. But that's not all. He has other information, too. He knows who gave you and Harry up, Lily," Sirius continued, and Lily felt the blood drain from her face, as if her blood had been replaced with ice.
Because somehow, in all of the chaos, Lily had overlooked the fact that Voldemort himself had not found them; someone had put the pieces together, had delivered that news, believing they were delivering a child for certain death. There was a person out there, somewhere, who had made that choice, intentionally, fully knowing the consequences, made her feel ill.
"Who?" she whispered out.
"He wanted to speak with you both first. He asked if he could come here tomorrow. With Regulus."
"Regulus doesn't need to come," James said, shooting Sirius a look. "I'm sure Dumbledore wants to give him a chance to explain it all, but it's not necessary—"
"James, it's alright," Sirius said. "I'm completely turned upside down by the news, but I'm intrigued to hear what he has to say."
"Regulus is your brother, correct?" Lily asked, thinking back on what she remembered of the younger Black. She remembered he was quiet but haughty, sticking close with his cronies in Slytherin. Definitely not the cruelest of that crowd, but very much a follower. For him to have switched allegiances at his own personal risk did not align with the boy she remembered.
"That's the one," Sirius said. "We have not had a relationship since the summer before 5th year. For him to have come forward is…" he trailed off.
"I get it," Lily said. "Should be quite a reunion."
The three sat in a brief silence, all three lost in their own thoughts. Finally, James spoke.
"Oh, but what should we serve as snacks? Not sure what says 'thanks for turning spy, but also I don't really trust you' at the same time," James asked lightly, instantly easing the mood.
"Dumbledore, come in," James said, opening the door the next morning to usher in their old headmaster. Lily could hear them from the kitchen where she and Sirius sat, both not talking, but eyes latching on to one another, the same apprehension mirrored in both.
"Regulus," they heard James greet, as the door closed, the three men walking down the hall.
"Lily and Sirius are just in here," James said, leading them through the room. A round of greetings was made, Lily busying herself with making tea for all of them, feeling it necessary to give Sirius a moment of privacy with his brother without an extra set of eyes. He hadn't outright said it, but his nerves were evident all morning, even as he had played with Harry in the yard with James. The two had positively exhausted Harry, ensuring he would take a good nap and allow for a lengthy conversation.
"Lily, this is Regulus," Dumbledore said, motioning her over, the five all settling around the kitchen table. James, despite his joking the night before, had actually prepared a charcuterie board, giving Lily something to do with her hands as she made a small plate.
"I'm sure Sirius has filled you both in on the Order meeting, but I thought it necessary for us to speak with you both privately about the next bit of news. It will be made public to an extent, but you deserve to hear the news first. Regulus, if you wouldn't mind?"
Regulus looked far different than Lily remembered. He was thinner, almost gaunt. He kept his hair long, like Sirius', but had the distinct air of untidiness she had never remembered seeing on him before. He wasn't unclean, but rumpled. He had large bags under his eyes, his skin an unhealthy pallor. He looked awful, she couldn't help but think, positive the emotional toll of turning spy had transformed his appearance.
"About a year ago," he started, and his voice was quiet, soft. Lily found herself leaning forward a bit. "There was an incident, in the cave," he said, nodding to James. "Without going into details, that's when I turned. I made contact with Dumbledore, and that's when I started to funnel information. It was usually small stuff, nothing that would tip them off, but as the war went on, more of his inner circle began dying or disappearing, I got closer to the top. That's how I found out about the prophecy. The Dark Lord was becoming frustrated, but then received some promising information. We weren't told anything else at the time, but I shared what I knew with Dumbledore."
"What are you referring to?" James asked, raising his brows in confusion.
"For the Dark Lord to find your son, two separate individuals brought different pieces of information together. Neither is aware of the other's role, per say."
"And you know them both?" Sirius asked, leaning forward as well.
"I didn't at first. I knew about the prophecy, but I knew nothing else. Only that the Dark Lord was obsessed with it, that there was a child out there that terrified him. And then he received a tip that changed everything. About two days ago, we heard he had information. I went to Dumbledore, but by then it was too late; the Dark Lord was already on the move. Evidentially, there was one Death Eater who put two and two together after he saw the pictures," Regulus shifted, turned to face Lily. "He recognized the eyes, paired with a memory he tried to keep hidden from the Dark Lord. You know, surely, who I'm referring to."
Lily felt that old feeling of rising, observing the whole room from above. She suddenly had a very strong suspicion of exactly who that one person was. And from the look that thundered over James' face, he was positive he knew too.
"Severus Snape. He saw the pictures, said he knew immediately who the child was. And that he was positive you two had been involved 7th year, before Lily disappeared. He shared his hunch, but from what I was told, he begged for Lily to be spared, " she heard Regulus talk, felt James stiffen beside her as he asked a question and Regulus continued to explain, but she could no longer focus, blood pounding in her ears, her breathing becoming rapid.
Snape had given her name, had been the person to tip off Voldemort, he had—
Lily was brought out of her head as she heard tea cups shatter, a loud explosion. She yelped, jumped to her feet and immediately pulled out her wand.
"Lil," James said, jumping in front of her, hands on her shoulder. "Breathe," she heard him say, his tone soothing, ducking down so his eyes met hers. "Take a breath."
Lily sucked in, allowing herself to exhale slowly. James steered her out of the room and into the hall, pulling her into a living room.
"I'm sorry," she apologized. "I lost control, and then the explosion—"
"Shhhhh," James soothed. "It's okay. Take a deep breath for me, please."
Lily allowed herself to sway forward a bit that she was pressing into James, seeking his warmth. She had no idea what had come over her, only that she needed to be comforted, needed to be held. She had just felt massively exposed, vulnerable even, to know how easily she had been found, how stupid she had been to think she could keep Harry safe, how ill-prepared she still was to protect him. As her panic swirled, she needed someone to anchor her.
As if reading her mind, James dropped his hands from her shoulder, pulling her into a tight embrace as she took a shuddering breath, sobs finally coming. He let her cry into his chest, rubbing circles on her back, whispering softly to her the whole time.
Lily's mind was strangely blank, unable to think through the myriad of emotions swirling through her. Severus Snape was an old wound, an aching pain that always threatened to flare at the most inconvenient times. He was just one of the many, many, pounds of baggage that Lily had been dragging with her throughout her life. She didn't miss him, she had told herself numerous times. She missed who he had been, how he had made her feel special for the first time in her life. That feeling had long been shattered, and this new information had positively ended any nostalgia she might have held for him now.
Holding on to these thoughts, to the finality of it all, and breathing deeply several long minutes, she calmed, and wiping her tears on a quickly summoned handkerchief, she worked on tidying her face.
"Do you want to talk about it?" James asked finally.
"Not yet," she said, hearing how sad her voice was, how small.
"That's fine," he said, rubbing her back again. "But when you do, I'm here. However you need."
"Thank you," she said, and found herself leaning back into his embrace again. She closed her eyes, breathing him in. To just be held, to be taken care of, just for a moment, was enough. She felt James give her another soft squeeze, and then, to her shock, felt his lips come down to place a kiss so soft she might have imagined it to the crown of her head. Taking another deep breath, they broke apart.
"Back in?" she asked him finally, shooting him a soft smile.
"Yeah, if you're ready," he said, and she led the way out of the room.
As they rejoined, Lily offered a quick apology for her abrupt exit, earning reassurances that all was well from Dumbledore, Regulus and Sirius. The three had quickly cleared the mess and repaired the tea set, and Lily settled back down and accepted a fresh cup from James as he sat next to her, putting a reassuring arm around her.
"So, Snape was person one, who was the second? Who else do I need to kill?" Sirius said, gesturing Regulus to continue, clearly chomping at the bit to find out the rest of the information.
"Right. As far as I know, Snape merely said that child was likely the child of Lily Evans and James Potter, but in his relief to learn the new information, the Dark Lord offered him a bargain on Evans' life. From there, he was able to track them through the apothecary you worked through in Boston. He has contacts everywhere, and when he gave your name, the man gave you up. But Snape didn't have a clue where to locate them. Your traitor," Regulus threw Dumbledore a quick glance, "knew somehow they were in America. Unclear how he knew. Snape clued us in to your proclivity with potions once he underwent Veritaserum, according to Bella, so from there, it was just a matter of time until the Dark Lord was able to find the right connection to you," Regulus said, shooting a glance at Sirius.
"Why didn't you warn them?" Sirius asked, his face hard.
"I didn't know all of this, not at the time. I told Dumbledore there were rumblings but I didn't have a name or anything. I didn't find out until that night, when Snape pulled me outside in a frenzy of panic and regret. He was a mess," Regulus said, looking between Lily and Dumbledore. "We became something adjacent to confidants, as the Dark Lord became more unhinged. In hindsight, I should have shared any suspicions I had, but I also had to keep my cards close at hand, too," Regulus said, looking somehow both sheep faced and indignant at the same time. "It isn't exactly easy to turn spy, Sirius," he directed at his brother, an edge of his old haughtiness coming through.
"The pictures? How did Voldemort get them?" Lily asked, her voice small. She had to know where she had messed up, had been careless.
"You have a rat problem," Regulus said, not looking at Lily as he answered and instead turning meaningfully to Sirius and James.
"What?" Lily spat out, not in the mood for games. "The hotel did not have a rat problem—"
"Not the hotel," Regulus said, eyes never leaving his brother and James. "The rat problem was at Hogwarts. And in the Order. Here."
"A rat," James said, and he and Sirius had another one of those silent conversations.
"Reckon you've had a rat problem for quite some time," Regulus said, continuing to watch the two men carefully.
"What does any of this mean?" Lily asked, turning to Dumbledore, and then James, thoroughly confused.
"Peter," James said, his arm tightening around Lily, almost drawing her closer to his side, protectively. "It's Peter. He's the other person who gave you up."
The next several moments were a blur to Lily as she listened to James and Sirius tell a story so positively far-fetched that it had to be true. Reumus Lupin, evidentally, was a werewolf and so the other three Gryffindor boys from her year had decided to become Animagus as a way to help him.
If Lily hadn't known firsthand how unbelievably talented James and Sirius were, she would have been convinced they were lying, telling some sort of outlandish tale to avoid the real truth. But she knew they had been wickedly talented and highly devoted to their friends; it made sense that they would become Animagi to help Remus, and would have likely wanted to include Pettigrew, too.
Dumbledore did not seem shocked, either, but Lily studied him close enough to see a flicker of something in his face, likely this piece of information sliding into a puzzle of things he had pondered for quite some time.
It was difficult getting straight answers from James or Sirius, as the former was nearly silent, in shock, fury, or grief, Lily could scarcely tell, while the latter had stormed to his feet, ready to leave immediately to hunt Peter down.
"He's underground, Pads," James said, his voice rough, harsh even. "He's probably in hiding."
"That piece of SHIT!" Sirius reacted. "After everything we've done for him, what you've done, over the years, and he just…" Sirius stared off, a murderous expression on his face.
"I don't understand," James said. "Was he imperioed? Did he not understand what he was doing?"
"Damn right he knew. He knew exactly what he was doing," Sirius growled.
"We don't know for certain," Dumbledore said. "But the Imperius curse is unlikely."
"How didn't we know?" James asked softly. "How didn't I know one of my best friends was a Death Eater?" His voice was pleading, giving away his sadness even though his face remained stormy.
Unsure what to say, Lily reached for the hand connected to his arm that still rested around her. She gave him a squeeze, hoping to somehow convey her empathy, her understanding. James gave her hand a squeeze back, a silent communication that he understood she was helping, in her way.
Regulus continued then, finally, interrupted by James and Sirius often as they asked questions or shared half-formed thoughts, as they spotted a lie Peter had told or some confusion lifted. It seemed it was, in the end, quite simple.
Peter had been cornered on an Order mission by Bellatrix Lestrange and had offered to flip sides; his servitude in exchange for his life. His involvement was not well-known by many, but Bellatrix had known and she had told Regulus in those tense, waiting hours while the Dark Lord disappeared to kill Harry. Regulus had been waiting at the Lestrange manor with a few other members of the inner circle, including Snape, and as the hours stretched on, it became decidedly clear something had gone wrong.
"Bellatrix immediately put the blame squarely on Snape and Pettigrew," Regulus said, his eyes giving a faraway look. "She thinks they set Him up. Said that Snape was pathetically gone for Evans, and she should have known better than to trust a man who turned into a rat willingly."
"Something she and I can agree on, finally," Sirius muttered.
"He used his animagus form to break into your office," Regulus said to Dumblefore. "A quick spell on the portraits confunded them so he could conjure blindfolds on them, and then he searched the office until he came across the pictures. He had no idea what he was finding at the time; he thought it was Dumbledore's secret love child, or something. I'm unaware if he realized the child was yours, Potter."
"That doesn't make it any better," James spat out, and Lily could feel him shaking with fury next to her. "He still gave over information about a child to Voldemort!"
"I know that," Regulus said, rolling his eyes, holding up a placating hand. "Anyway, I got Snape out of there, took him to Dumbledore, but no one can find Pettigrew. I like your hunch that he's underground," Regulus said, finishing with a shrug.
"Wait," Lily asked, confused as well. "Why did you take Snape to Dumbledore?" She turned to her former headmaster, dread seeping over her. "Is he in Azkaban?"
"No," Dumbledore started. "I believe Severus Snape will be of more use to us in the long run on the outside than locked away in prison."
"What have you done?" James asked, voice now rising. He had been so composed, so calm this whole time, likely in shock, but it seemed now, his ability to reign in his emotions was waning.
"I believe, in exchange for information, Mr. Snape should be spared," Dumbledore said calmly.
Lily and James found themselves joining Sirius on their feet, all three yelling over one another in indignation.
"He gave us away—" Lily bit out.
"How dare you—my son's life—" James yelled.
"Get the fuck out, both of you," Sirius finally yelled over the noise. "Seriously, out. I don't care what your reasons are, in this house, we don't support traitors or accomplices to attempted murder. Good bye."
"Sirius, James, Lily," Dumbledore started, his voice nearly pleading.
"No," James said. "Not now. It's been enough. You need to leave. We'll see you at the next Order meeting, but you better have a right better explanation for sparing his life by then."
Lily remained silent, unable to meet anyone's eyes, and so she turned, walking out of the room, up the stairs and into Harry's room. She could hear the men continuing to talk, but she forced her ears to block them out. Her mind was racing; she had been prepared for a difficult conversation, but not one that exposed the height of her former friend's betrayal, the treachery of Peter Pettigrew, or Dumbledore's unwillingness to hold the only person they had in custody accountable for the mess he had caused. It was inexcusable.
As she crept through Harry's door, she settled herself in his twin bed and held him close. She felt the adrenaline leave her body, making her exhausted and weak, a twinge of a headache plaguing her already.
"Mommy okay?" Harry asked sleepily, still half-asleep.
"Yeah, Har," she said, kissing his forehead. "Mommy's okay. Just a bad day."
From there, daily life evolved slowly but naturally. It was a long, slow process as James, Lily, and Sirius had to work through the latest information. Sirius was volatile, while Lily retreated within herself, with James hovering somewhere in the middle of them both. On any given day, Lily found herself dissolving into anger, despair, shock, and guilt, often without any warning as to what might set her off. Yet, as she always did, she pushed through. Harry was blissfully ignorant of this new information, knew nothing of betrayal or hurt, and Lily was determined to keep it that way.
"I'm not saying we repress how we feel," she had said to James and Sirius one night after Harry was in bed. "But it is going to be his first Christmas in a new home, a new country, and with new people. Can we just focus our energy there for now?"
The two had readily agreed, and despite the positive storm of emotions all three felt, they focused on Harry, and with that renewed focus, life had settled.
James had helped to restore one of his dad's old potions rooms for Lily, who was able to score a brewing gig for one of the local apothecaries so she could continue her work. James, Lily learned, was a curse breaker, but true to his word to Dumbledore, was taking time away to give him time with Harry. This meant that Lily could start working almost right away and allow James and Harry time alone without her there; she thought this was important to developing a bond between the pair of them. Harry would always defer back to Lily, out of habit, and if James was going to be seen as a parental figure, he needed time with Harry to establish himself.
He had stiff competition winning over Harry with Sirius, though, who Harry took to instantly. Harry might have been convinced James was a super hero, but Sirius was simply cool. It helped that he drove a motorcycle, which Harry was fascinated by, and it didn't take long before Lily had caught James, Harry, and Sirius sneaking Harry on to the bike for a "quick jaunt around the town," James had promised. Lily had rolled her eyes but gave permission, waving them off to Harry's delighted squeals.
Not to be outdone, James had already picked out a Christmas gift for Harry, a starter broom, and in the meantime, had been taking Harry on rides with him for the past few weeks. Lily would have been nervous, but she knew James was a very skilled flyer, and there was something about the sight of the two of them, Harry in James' lap, flying around the grounds, Harry crying out happily all the while, that tugged at her heart. One time, the pair had even convinced Lily to join them, with Lily behind James.
"I hate flying," she had grumbled as she straddled the broom, nerves rising.
"I know," James said, smothering a laugh. "I remember our flying lessons. You broke your arm the first day."
"That wasn't my fault!" Lily cried with mock indignation, also letting out a laugh. "The broom malfunctioned!"
"Of course it did," James said, climbing in front of her, settling Harry in his lap. "Harry, your mom is very good at many things, but she's rubbish at flying. Let's hope you take after me."
"She's not very good at soccer, either," Harry said, sending both James and Lily into hysterics.
"Now, Harry, hold tight to the broom. Lily, hold on to my waist. Off we go!"
And while Lily certainly wasn't one for flying, she didn't quite think she hated it as much anymore, watching Harry laugh and James beam.
It was little moments, Lily had thought, as the weeks went on, small ones, that were bringing the three of them closer. Like when James had helped with Harry's bath, or cooking dinner together, even selecting a pre-school for Harry to start after the Christmas holiday. It made her feel like they might be finding ways to bridge the gaps of their past, to move past their pain and hurt, and slowly, ever so slowly toward forgiveness.
That's not to say things were perfect, by any means. Even as Lily fought to keep Harry happily shielded from the chaos of the world, she herself was struggling. The perks of being a brewer included the ability to throw together dreamless sleep potions that allowed her to sleep when anxiety and fear became too much to bear. The downside was, of course, that she could not take them while Harry persisted in having night terrors of his own, sometimes as often as three times a week.
This inevitably led to Harry sleeping in her bed, and as the weeks went on, his requests for "sandwich hugs" became nearly nightly, which meant, naturally, that Lily and James (and Harry, she corrected in her mind, Harry was always there) were essentially sharing a bed.
"Are you comfortable?" James whispered to her one night after Harry had whimpered for a few moments, clung to Lily, and then fell back to sleep. James' arm was snug around Lily's hip, keeping Harry secure between the two of them, allowing them to face one another as their son slept peacefully between them.
"Yes," Lily whispered back, but didn't say anything more. Because she was comfortable; ridiculously so. Too comfortable, honestly. She had no idea which way was up right now, between uprooting her life, losing Gemma, moving back to England, learning how she was betrayed, and now…this? Whatever this incredibly confusing co-parenting relationship she had with James was beginning to feel too much like a relationship, and she couldn't dare to allow her mind to go there.
"Good," James said. "The nightmare didn't last long tonight, at least. He went back down quickly."
Lily hummed in agreement, shifting a bit to settle herself in more. "You don't have to do this, you know," she said finally after a long pause, long enough that James might have been asleep. His eyes had drifted close, and Lily wasn't certain if he could even hear her.
"Course I do," he responded. "I want to."
"I can call a doctor tomorrow, see if there's anything we can do. Maybe the healers at St. Mungo might know—"
"Lily," James huffed, moving so his head was resting on his hand, allowing him to sit up just a bit. "Harry went through trauma. It is normal that it takes time for him to heal. We can absolutely speak to healers or doctors, whoever you want, but if he wants to be held, I'm happy to do that."
"I know," Lily said. They had this conversation often, with Lily always feeling as though she was taking advantage of James' kindness and protectiveness of Harry so she herself could feel safe and cared for at night. She never asked him, would never express out lout how much better it felt to be held by him rather than tossing and turning by herself until she finally succumbed and took a swig of a potion, but she felt as though this was crossing a line she had drawn for herself, for him, and most importantly for Harry.
"Harry is not the only one who needs this, you know," James said, giving her a pointed look. Lily didn't respond, but she also felt her face heat up and refused to meet his eye in the darkness. James' arm on her hip gave her a squeeze. "I noticed the potion bottles. You're struggling too. And some nights, when we aren't all in here, you scream in your sleep."
"What?" Lily gasped. "I do not."
"You do, Lil. It's okay; you've also been through trauma. If this helps, I'm happy to do it."
Once again, Lily didn't respond, but felt the tell-tale prickle of tears behind her eyes. She had no idea why she felt the need to cry, only that his words, his sincerity, his unquestioning ability to just be here gave just as much comfort as it did unease.
"It won't be forever," Lily finally whispered. "I'll get it together, I promise."
This time, James did not answer, merely giving her a sad smile as he began rubbing soothing circles on her back as he always did, since that first night. She drifted off slowly after into a peaceful sleep.
The next morning, Lily woke with a languid stretch, Harry and James having already vacated the bed. She took her time washing up and dressing and decided to pop into the kitchen for breakfast prior to heading to the potion lab. She had a few small orders to complete today, nothing terribly taxing, but enough to keep her busy.
As she came to the kitchen, she heard voices coming from the kitchen and despite knowing it was wrong, couldn't help but listen in.
"—saw you coming out of her room again this morning," Sirius said, and while Lily could not see his face, she could practically see the smug glee dancing on his face.
"Yes, with Harry," James said sharply.
"That's the fourth time this week," Sirius continued, his tone heavy with insinuation.
"Glad to know you can count, Padfoot," James continued, his tone giving away nothing.
"I just hope you're being careful, Prongs," Sirius said.
"I am," James said. "It's not like we can do much of anything with Harry in there with us—"
"You know that's not what I meant," Sirius cut him off. "You three are all snuggled up like a perfect fucking family, but nothing with you and Lily is simple. You hurt each other."
There was a long pause and at first, Lily thought the conversation had ended. After a moment, James continued.
"I think it's different. We're different. We're trying," his voice was quiet but strong, determined.
"I know, but with the kid, there's a lot at stake—"
"Exactly. Which is why I'm not trying to start anything with her yet. You don't think it's killing me to sit on my hands and wait? After all this time, it's my absolute dream come true, Pads. I have them in my arms multiple nights a week. It's like the past didn't happen, like everything has worked out exactly as it was meant to. I'm not screwing it up this time."
"Prongs—"
"Fuck, Sirius," James breathed out, sounding almost frustrated. "This is the shot I didn't even let myself dream I'd get. I'm approaching this all with my eyes wide open. For everyone's sake."
"Just be careful. For yourself too," Sirius said, and Lily could hear a scrape a chair, signaling he was getting up. She quickly took several long strides backwards until she was at the foot of the stairs, seeming to have just come down as Sirius came out of the kitchen.
"Morning, Lily," Sirius greeted as he made his way toward her. "James has breakfast in the kitchen."
"Thanks," she called as he took off up the stairs, and while her tone was calm, internally, her heart was racing, mind going over all she had just heard, unable to temper down something growing within her chest that felt a little bit like hope.
Christmas was Lily and Harry's absolute favorite holiday, and Lily was quite pleased to see that James (and a reluctant Sirius), were eager to participate in festivities. The four decorated a massive tree, the adults doing most of the work using their wands, but Harry pitching in on smaller ornaments. They had then moved on to decorating the rest of the house, putting up garland and smaller trees, reindeers and Santas. Santa had been a rather confusing concept for Sirius and James, but they had relented, especially once Lily gave a whispered warning that Harry would be positively crushed if Santa did not come to their new home and that they best get on board. The overall effect of the house was tasteful, but homey. It was festive and made Lily feel that despite all she had lost this year, it would still be a happy holiday.
Having finally put Harry down with promises to bake cookies tomorrow, Lily and James joined Sirius on one of the large sofas, fire cackling, drinks poured.
"The place looks great," James said, shooting Lily a smile.
"It does, doesn't it? I used to help Gemma do all the decorating at the hotel, but this makes that look like child's play," she responded.
"It's making me feel very merry, indeed," Black said. "So merry, I want to go out tonight," he announced.
"You should do that," James said. "I'm not going anywhere," he settled further into the couch.
"Come on, you haven't left this house in weeks," Sirius said, tone laced with frustration.
"That's not true," Lily said. "He took Harry to the park yesterday, we visited that pre-school on Tuesday, went to brunch on Sunday—"
"Evans," Black said. "Lily. You and I both know that's not what I meant. He needs to get out, blow off steam."
"I do not," James said.
"You can if you want," Lily said, casting him a quick look. "You can go out with your friends if you want, James. Harry and I would be fine here by ourselves."
"I don't want to go," James protested. "I'm fine here, just drop it."
"So touchy," Sirius said, casting Lily an amused look, enjoying riling up James. "You should come out with me, then, Evans."
"Not in your wildest dreams, Black," Lily said, and he let out a bark of a laugh.
"Alright then, you two, have your night in," Black said, rising. "Don't wait up," he said as he gave them a wink and exited the living room, likely to change in his own room and then take off.
Lily sank into the cushions, allowing the warm glow of the fire and Christmas lights to wash over her. She looked at James, who was looking at the door that Sirius had just exited.
"I really don't mind if you go," Lily offered again. "You've thrown yourself into dad duty for the last six weeks, James. You deserve fun, too."
"What about you, then? When do you have fun?" He asked, raising a brow.
"I'm different," Lily said. "I never really had time to have fun before, too busy with Harry and work. I'm used to it."
Lily knew instantly she had said the wrong thing, as James' face immediately fell.
"Oh," he said. "Yeah, no that makes sense—"
"James—"
"No, I get it. While I was being young and irresponsible, you were the perfect mum. Got it."
"I didn't say that—"
"But you implied it—"
"I did not. You were far from irresponsible James. Fuck's sake, you fought a war! If you're reading it that way, then maybe you're still feeling a little guilty and resentful," Lily said, giving him a wry look. "Or a lot guilty and resentful, actually," she finished, crossing her arms.
James was quiet for a minute, then shrugged. "Most days it's okay, really. But some days…" He trailed off. "I'm sure you know how it is."
"I do," Lily said, taking a sip of her wine.
"I just want to make you guys happy, to feel at home," he said, voice suddenly tired.
"We are James, I promise," Lily said. "But that doesn't mean you can't also go do the things you used to enjoy, either. You don't have to feel guilty every time you walk out the door."
He hummed, a soft smile taking over his face. "I think we could compromise a bit. I don't really want to leave you and Harry, I like being here with you. But maybe, we could throw a party."
"A party?" Lily questioned. "With who?"
"Everyone!" James said. "The whole crew. The Order, some old classmates, teammates, it would be great."
Now Lily was feeling unsure, old feelings of insecurity rising to the surface. "I'm not sure, James. I wasn't really friends with any of them," she trailed off, feeling uneasy.
James, however, had a light in his eyes, looking excited. "We'll keep it small. Only people we trust," he said, reaching across to squeeze her arm. "You need a night off, Lily. You need to have fun. We'll start it after Harry's bed time, but he'll be right here, in the house, where you know he's safe. Please?"
Lily looked at him, face so eager, and it was as if seeing Harry in twenty years. The same enthusiasm, the same bright smile. The only difference were the eyes, but the more she focused on James' eyes, the more she felt herself caving.
"Okay then," Lily said. "But small, James, seriously—"
"Small," James said, "ish. Small-ish."
The small gathering James has promised turned into a full-fledged party, with Order Members and former classmates all flocking to James' (and mine, Lily forced herself to think, as James was adamant Lily see the manor as her home now, too) home. It was a large crowd, boisterous, with drinks flowing and laughter rippling through the air.
It was clear to Lily that the group had long awaited this moment, to come together and celebrate the end of the long, bitter war. The mood was jovial, light, fun.
Lily had stayed away as long as she felt she could, knowing eventually James would come up to get her. She had taken her time bathing Harry and getting him in his pajamas, planning to put him down and then freshen up for the party herself. Harry, however, had sprinted out of his room and down the stairs, insisting he say good night to James and "Seer-us" before turning in. Lily had hovered just outside the large kitchen where people had already started to gather, watching as James lifted him into his arms and Harry threw his arms around his neck.
"Night, buddy," James said, eyes searching for Lily. His gaze had just landed on her when Sirius swooped in, blocking Lily from his view as he took Harry from James and gave him a quick squeeze as well.
Lily read him his books and settled him in his bed, kissing his forehead and running her hands through his hair before casting extra wards and protection charms. After all, the house was full of people she did not know well, and even if James trusted everyone, Lily could not let go of her old worries and paranoia just yet.
If she were honest, which she was now striving to be, she knew she was stalling, that she was anxious about seeing her old classmates. Lily had worked hard all these weeks to forgive James, to see him as who he was now and not as the eighteen year old she had left, but she didn't know if her grace could extend to those that had ignored her and ostracized her all those years. She didn't know how she'd fit into this part of James' life.
And so she took her time, using her wand to straighten her waves so her hair fell in glossy sheets down her back. She put on make-up, enough to enhance her features without looking overdone, and changed into her best jeans, the ones that hugged her curves just right, finishing it off with a black sweater that highlighted her cleavage in the front but was open in the back. When she was done, she took a step back, admiring herself in the mirror.
"Definitely better than acceptable," she said, feeling a genuine smile. She could do this, she told herself. She had been social before, in Maddox, popular even, within the town. This was going to be fine.
Giving herself one final look over, she made her way into the party, pouring herself a glass of wine and allowed her eyes to survey the scene.
James was in his element, goofing around with Sirius, and to Lily's delight, Remus, who had finally reappeared after his long mission. The three were like an exclusive club, with people hovering outside, occasionally joining in on their antics, but the nucleus always remained the same. Her eyes drifted to the older members of the Order, faces and names she recognized from the papers, but didn't know personally. She saw Gideon and Fabian Prewett, along with Caradoc Dearborn flirting with Dorcas Meadows, Marlene McKinnon, and Emmaline Vance, all of whom had been varying years above Lily at Hogwarts. And then finally, she saw her own former dorm mates.
Jennifer Shocke, Louise Small, and Taryn Wembly. All had been popular and beautiful; none had ever given Lily the time of day.
Lily would usually partner with whoever was their odd man out in classes, at least in the early years, but eventually, the three had insisted they stick together as a trio, usually leaving Lily partnerless unless someone from a different house was short a pairing. Lily hadn't minded eventually, but seeing the three of them, once again huddled up, whispering and snickering, gave Lily the worst kind of deja vu.
"More, Lily?" Remus Lupin cut in, breaking her concentration. He must have drifted over her way as she observed, filling the space next to her.
"Hi Remus," she said, giving him a bright smile. "James didn't tell me you were coming!" She had always liked Remus a bit more than the rest of James' friends; they hadn't necessarily been friends themselves, but he had been decent to her on more than one occasion.
"Bit of a surprise. I'm sure we'll have plenty to catch up on later, but for now, I'm looking forward to getting positively hammered," Remus said, nodding his head toward Lily's wine glass, raising a brow, as if to invite her to partake.
"Oh go on then," Lily said, motioning for him to pour.
"Oi, Lupin, please tell me you'll make an introduction," Joshua Corner said, sliding next to Lily. Joshua had been three years older than Lily and a Hufflepuff back in school; Lily had known who he was because he was head boy his seventh year and extremely popular. She wasn't exactly surprised to find he didn't know her.
"Lily Evans," she said, sticking out her hand. "Nice to meet you."
"Joshua Corner," he said, eyes traveling over her, lingering on her cleavage a bit as he reached across to shake her hand. "I know exactly who you are," and Lily wasn't sure if she should be flattered or creeped out by his tone.
"Are you enjoying being back in England, Lily?" Remus asked, taking a minute step closer to her.
"Yes," she answered honestly. "It's been a bit of a whirlwind getting Harry settled, but James has been wonderful. Did he mention we enrolled him in the pre-school in town earlier this week?"
Remus opened his mouth to reply, but Corner jumped in instead.
"Harry Potter, the boy who lived? In a muggle preschool?"
"Evans," Lily corrected him. "And yes. We lived in a muggle town his whole life, and that's where he's most comfortable."
Corner rolled his eyes and took another drink of his firewhiskey. "How are you getting on with Potter? Are you two, like—"
Suddenly, Lily heard a cackle, a sharp burst of laughter, followed by her three old dorm mates, who must have been lingering just outside the conversation.
"Of course they aren't," Taryn cut in, rolling her blue eyes as she tossed one of her dark curls over her shoulder. "James would never."
Remus frowned. "I'm not sure what makes you think that, Taryn," he said, his tone still friendly enough, but with an edge of warning.
"Well, it's just that it's all pretty unbelievable, isn't it? Especially for those of us that saw them at Hogwarts. You were already gone, Josh, but they were in totally different crowds, barely spoke unless it was an argument. Not to mention, Lily really wasn't his type," sending Lily a smirk, giving her a once over.
Lily felt her blood boil. So that's how she was going to play it, she thought. Lily had been doubtful the two would end up braiding each other's hair and sharing secrets, but she had been optimistic that everyone would be kind. Taryn clearly wanted to put Lily back in her place, so to speak. To remind her of exactly how she saw her.
Lily didn't respond, but Remus was quick to jump in. "That's not true—"
"Oh come on, Remus," Taryn continued, taking a long swig of her drink. "I mean, really, how did it happen? How did you—" she pointed lazily at Lily, "get him to knock you up?"
"What exactly are you insinuating, Wembly?" Lily asked, keeping her voice deadly calm despite the pounding of her heart.
"Only that James being your child's father is almost laughable. I'd be much more inclined to believe it if you'd told me it was Severus Snape, but James—"
She did not finish the sentence before Lily felt herself step toward her, Remus quickly moving to place an arm between her shoulder blades as he sucked in a sharp breath.
"You're disgusting," Lily breathed out, barely able to contain her rage. "You—"
She did not finish the sentence, which was good, actually, because her mind had gone blank and there was no telling what words (or curses or hexes) would fly out. As if he had apparated there, James was by her side, lightning quick, standing slightly in front of Lily but not blocking her view.
"If you think you can speak that way about my son, to his mother, in our home, then you clearly don't know me at all, Wembly," James said, his voice cutting through the party like ice cracking. It seemed as if the whole room took a momentary inhale, watching, waiting.
"I'm just saying what everyone else was thinking," Taryn said, voice a little higher, more babyish now that James had appeared. For his part, Joshua Corner had backed away slowly, as if sensing this scene was too tense for him.
"Nah, that wasn't it," James said. "No one who's seen Harry has questioned for a minute he's my kid. Most want to know how I got Lily to put up with me long enough to make him, not the other way around," James said, casting Lily a quick look over his shoulder. His tone was a bit lighter, as if he remembered they were supposed to be celebrating, but his face was still murderous.
On Lily's other side, she heard Remus mutter, "I know I questioned what she saw in you."
James flashed him a quick smirk, before turning back to Taryn.
"No, you were being a jealous, petty bitch," James continued. "And I won't accept that. You can leave," he dismissed her, turning to Lily, grabbing her hand.
"Excuse me—" Taryn sputtered.
"You're excused, Wembly," Sirius called across the room. "You know the way out."
Whether she left or not, Lily didn't know, for James had taken her hand and led her out of the kitchen, down the hallway and into his study. He moved quickly, but his grip was not overly firm, hand burning Lily's skin where they touched.
"Are you okay?" He asked when the door shut behind them. "She had no right—"
"I'm fine, James," Lily said, and found she was not lying. She wasn't thrilled the woman had said such vile things to her, about her, but Lily had also never been this publically supported by James (or his friends, she thought, heart soaring).
"I knew she was bitchy, but I never thought she'd actually—"
"James, it's alright," Lily said, squeezing his hand which still held hers. "I'm not upset. I mean, yeah, she was out of line, but she's said worse—"
"What?" James squawked.
"But you handled it," Lily said, giving him a small smile, feeling a blush grow on her cheeks. "And if you hadn't, I was ready to myself."
"Oh," James said, running his free hand through his hair. "Did I ruin your moment? Sorry, I just couldn't listen to her—"
"You did fine, James," Lily reassured him again. "I appreciated it. Very much," she added on quietly, looking up at him through her lashes. "I like it much better when you're nice to me then when you used to pick at me," she found herself saying, her voice sounding a bit breathy even to herself.
"Yeah?" James smirked, using their still joined hands to draw her in slightly. "I can be really, really nice, you know," his voice deep, pupils blown.
He's going to kiss me, Lily thought, heart hammering. He's going to kiss me, and I want him to, she realized, and she felt alive, free, almost bubbling with happiness.
James began lowering his head, moving his free hand to encircle her hip, and Lily had just risen to her tippy toes to meet him when—
The door flew open with a bang.
Dorcas Meadows and Marlene McKinnon were attached at the mouth, hands in hair, bodies glued together.
"Oi," James called, frustration rolling off him.
"Potter!" Marlene said, breaking from Dorcas to put a hand over her heart. "Don't scare a girl like that!"
"Oh I'm sorry, did I interrupt you?" James answered sarcastically.
"Oh! It's Lily!" Dorcas called, eyes drifting over to her. "I'm so happy to see you!" She left Marlene's side to pull a surprised Lily toward her in a warm hug.
"You probably don't remember me, but I was a year older than you, in Ravenclaw. We were both prefects. It's really great to see you again!"
Lily beamed at Dorcas, returning her friendly smile. "Of course I remember!" Lily replied. "We got stuck finding Avery with his pants down with that one girl—"
"Loria Owens—"
"Yes!" Lily replied, giggling. "I know you are all a bunch of war heroes, but you do not know torture until you've seen Averys prick," Lily said, turning to Marlene and James, sending them all into laughter.
"Mar," Dorcas said, "I'll meet up with you later. I'm getting you a drink," Dorcas said, sending a wink to Lily. "Sorry James, I'm stealing your girl for a while."
"I'm not—" Lily interjected.
"She isn't-" James said at the same time. "We're just—"
"Co-parents," Lily finished, her face flaming. Awesome, she thought to herself. Very smooth.
"Oh whatever," Marlene said with a dramatic eye roll. "I'm sure we just interrupted some quality 'co-parenting,'" she said, making the quotes gesture around the word.
"Seriously—" Lily started.
"It's fine," Dorcas said with a knowing smile. "Take your time. You two will get there eventually."
Lily threw James a quick look, but noticed he was avoiding her eye, a small, satisfied smile on his lips.
"Let's get that drink," Lily said to Dorcas, feeling overall quite victorious.