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AN1-2020/12/20: Chapter now betaed by Miette and dstone12, thank you :)
A new memory rose and Severus smiled. His respect for his Mentor grew every time they interacted, whether in letters or meetings. Sometimes, he was so jealous of Lucius. He had everything: a loving family, a wonderful father, talent, looks and wealth. But Lucius was like an older brother to him and jealousy always gave way to gratefulness for having them in his life.
Their first meeting of the year happened in November, during the first Hogsmead week-end. Both Evan and Jonathan were spending Saturday with their family so Severus had been elated when Lord Malfoy proposed to devote his day to Severus.
As more often than not, they met at the Procope where they enjoyed the French gastronomy and talked about Lucius and his infatuation with Narcissa Black as well as Severus' work in Potions. They discussed spell inventions, one of the Lord's hobbies that Severus shared. Severus was very proud of a spell he had created which allowed one to have private discussions while those outside the area of the spell would only hear a faint buzzing sound. The hardest part of the spell was to define the area it would encompass. Severus was proud of it. He had called it Muffliato. The spell was especially handy because, if cast properly, it required only a trifle of power to work. Moreover, it allowed him to talk loudly in the library with Evan and Jonathan without disturbing anyone.
Abraxas had requested a demonstration and was delighted with the result, calling for a round of chocolate macarons—Severus' weakness—and butterbeer.
After the meal, Abraxas and Severus focused on his school marks.
"I am a bit worried, Severus, " said Lord Malfoy with a frown. "Your marks have dropped in Defence against the Dark Arts and Charms. Even in Runes, they are not as good as before. "
The man looked at Severus with his piercing blue eyes. He felt himself grow red and lowered his eyes to his lap. Would his Mentor understand? Could Severus trust him with this weakness? Would he think less of him? Would the man stop looking at him with... pride and... affection?
"Severus."
He looked up, startled to see the man so close. He instinctively raised his hands but found they were enclosed in the Lord's gentled ones.
"Breathe Severus. Breathe. I know you have a good reason for these marks. I won't get mad. Just breathe. Then you can tell me."
Severus was surprised to realise he was having trouble breathing. He focused in... out...in...out... The Lord's hands squeezed his own in rhythm. Minutes passed in silence until Severus was calm again.
"Sorry Sir," said Severus, wishing he could disappear into the ground while dying to hug his Mentor and never let go.
"Hush my boy. I think these marks trouble you far more than they would if it was mere laziness—which I do not doubt it is not. Transfiguration is not your forte but you have improved so much over the years. You should hear Lucius, you are one of his greatest accomplishments," Lord Malfoy said with a smile. "Lucius expected you to do really well this year as you understand more complex theory than most of your peers on the subject. Your written marks are indeed O but your practicals are mostly A, like many of your peers I know, but it is disappointing with your grasp on theory. Defence against the Darks Arts has always been straight O for you, with Charms and Runes not far behind but this year, while your essays are still on par, you barely have any E in practicals. Only Potions are still at your usual standard but I don't know if you could fail Potions even if you tried."
He paused.
"You did improve in Arithmancy though, as you promised you would before summer."
Lord Malfoy stared at him pensively, his eyes kind.
"Please tell me what's wrong Severus. If you want to. "
Severus felt his heart swell, watching his Mentor and himself. The man was everything his father was not. He cared. He helped. He listened. He advised. Severus would need to talk to him about Lily and the... incident.
In his memory, he was now looking his Mentor straight in the eyes. Severus did not know if Lord Malfoy could perform Legilimency but he had never felt any intrusion in his mind from his Mentor.
It did not prevent the Lord from reading him expertly most of the time.
Words rushed out from his mouth.
"It's my wand. I think. I do not have enough power in my spells anymore. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't, and I don't know why. I tried wandless magic but I can't do it and my wand works even less afterwards. I don't know what to try anymore. We should have gone to Ollivanders. I only have E or A in practicals when I mostly had O before. I am afraid I will fail my OWLs because of my wand," ended Severus lamely.
"Who made your wand if not Ollivanders?"
"I don't know. We went through Knockturn Alley then the Woods before coming upon a wooden hut. The only sign was "Wandmaker" engraved on the door, there was no name."
"Ah," said Lord Malfoy, smiling wistfully. "Maverick. My father took me there too. I went with Lucius when it was time."
He sighed.
"Maverick has the reputation for making the best wands... when they work."
Severus felt his stomach drop. Was his wand broken? Or improperly made? The Wandmaker had said Severus could not abandon this wand for another once bonded to it and he knew he was.
"We do not know why his wands work or not, although the materials used to make the wand give you an indication of what is expected from you for your wand to be happy with you," continued his Mentor.
Seeing Severus' disbelieving expression—a happy wand? It had feelings?—, he smirked.
"The best Wandmakers consider wands as sentient objects. Like potions, they are made in part from animals, in part from intent and magic. The combination of both gives it a... goal, for lack of a better word, as well as feelings. From my understanding—and wandmaking is seldom discussed with non-Wandmakers—the difficult part is to let the wand open so it can create a link with a Wizard and bond with it to allow him to use the wand to amplify and control his magic. This is where the wood comes into play. It protects the wand essence until it finds a suitable Wizard. Then it opens to allow the Wizard to use the wand. Thus, the Wizard pours magic and intent into his wand each time he uses it, shaping it and influencing the wand's original goal. Your wand will fully bond with you and work for you when her goal and yours are aligned."
He paused, frowning.
"Of course, I think it is more complex than this but it is still obscure to me, and even to Wandmakers I suspect. At least, it gives you an idea of the working of a wand."
Severus' mind was buzzing, trying to reconcile his Mentor's explanation with his experience and the Wandmaker's—Maverick—obscure words. His wand had begun failing him in power last year. Was it because it was the year you became an adult in Slytherin, responsible and held accountable for your choices? Was it now expecting him to play the hero and court death?
Despite his fondness for this memory, Severus shivered, remembering his research into a solution to this dilemma at the beginning of this awful year. Eight months later, he still had no answer. His wand had not improved during the year, even though he had seen death too close for comfort several times after this day. To be truthful, his wand was unstable, sometimes working perfectly, sometimes failing him lamentably. Failing his OWLs had been a constant source of worry. Luckily, his wand had performed perfectly during the examinations. He grimaced. But at what price?
In his memory, his Mentor was watching him intently.
"May I ask your wand composition?"
Severus shrugged.
"Ash wood and Thestral tail hair."
Lord Malfoy whistled softly.
"Maverick did not advise against it?"
"He told Mother to go to Ollivanders. She refused because I was her son. She was so proud," Severus said wistfully.
He hesitated slightly.
"I received a letter from... Maverick a few days before the beginning of first year. It said "
Your wand can make you one of the best or it can let you be one of the more pathetic if you do not master it.
It is a wand to be grown into as it takes time to bond with the ash. The ash chose you because of your potential but the bond between you will need time to grow and you to nurture it. Once the bond is strong, your control of your power should be perfect.
It is a wand to be grown into as you will need to prove your valour to tame the Thestral tail hair. It will be hard but remember valour can come in many forms. However, I am sad to say you will need to face death to be able to fully master it. Then it will allow you to use your maximal power.
It might never come to be but you have great potential.
PS: Once the ash has bounded with you, it will be near impossible for you to choose another wand without this one being broken. If you shall be the one to break it, you will never be able to use another wand without getting only feeble results."
Severus recited the words he knew by heart, having searched for hidden meanings so often.
His Mentor remained silent a long time, his fingers tapping on the table absently. Finally, he sighed.
Looking at Severus, face weary and eyes filled with concealed worry, he spoke gently.
"Wandmakers often possess a touch of clairvoyance. It is necessary when making a wand, especially when you make it the way Maverick does. I think it will not be easy for you to achieve your goals but you already knew this. It is part of why you work so hard at school and why your wand unreliability affects you so deeply. Know I will always be there to help. To listen. To advise."
He fell silent, eyes lost into the distance.
After what seemed like hours to Severus, his Mentor spoke again.
"I know it will be for the best in the end Severus."
He then moved on to happier topics and they ended the day with silly Ministry anecdotes from the older man, making Severus forget his worries for a time. When they said goodbye, Lord Malfoy surprised Severus with a short hug.
On the way back to Hogwarts, Severus definitely had a spring in his step.
A new vial opened. Feeling its contents, Severus hesitated then poured it on his lab floor. Fumes went up as the memory took form.
"Hoy Snape!" hollered Beaulieux—the fourth year, not the one he had saved from evil Gryffindors clutches.
Severus raised his head from the chess game Jonathan and he were engrossed in.
"Your Gryffindor Mudblood is ordering you to come outside."
Severus frowned. He could only mean Lily. They had few contacts outside the Potions classroom this year, what could she want?
He froze. Of course, she was friends with McDonald, the Gryffindor Pureblood who had accused Mulciber of attacking her. She was coming again to tell him Slytherins were bad, they were murderers without conscience...Or she was trying to get inside information.
Severus did not know what had happened between McDonald and Mulciber. For once, rumours were scarce in Slytherin, Mulciber had not even gloated about it. He had admitted to doing something to her but nothing more. McDonald and Mulciber had a long history together from what Jonathan had gleaned. They had known each other before Hogwarts and while they had not shown any obvious friendship like Lily and Severus had during their younger years; their relationship had changed last year.
Since fourth year, McDonald and Mulciber were always ribbing each other, throwing covert insults and embodying the rift between Slytherin and Gryffindor as well as the Marauders and Severus did. However, according to Jonathan, it reeked of unwanted attraction between the two of them.
Everybody thought the professors' plot to keep the upper years quiet worked—and it did for the most part—but two days ago Mulciber had come back late in the common room, drunk and in a foul mood. He was mostly incoherent, saying the bitch deserved worse and was lucky someone had happened by. He added something about McDonald teasing him before betraying him but was then quickly whisked away by his friends.
Severus had no interest in this story so did not remain in the common room to hear the speculations.
The day after, rumours about McDonald aggression were all around the school.
Two days later, nobody knew much more. Mulciber was still in a foul mood. The Headmaster had sent for him and interrogated him several hours in the presence of Aurors before letting him go back to the common room. It was the word of one Pureblood against another, there was no proof of Mulciber wrongdoing and that was that.
Sighing, he stood up to join Lily outside.
"Oh, the good little dog running to his mudblood Mistress. She ignores him all the time but when she whistles he comes right away," sneered Mulciber.
Mulciber had been among the ones against his friendship with Lily but he had never been that condescending or insulting.
"Want me to show you what to do with her?"
Mulciber's friends laughed. Jonathan tensed. Mulciber had a sickly smile which made Severus hairs stand on his arms. Mulciber had sided with those who wanted to hurt younger years from the other houses in retaliation for the snakelings attack, Severus reminded himself. But still, this was different.
Or maybe not, thought Severus, watching the scene with unease. He had not been shocked by the word mudblood applied to Lily at the time because it was normal to use it to talk about someone you did not respect. But today it was like a punch in the gut—Severus thanked his Occlumency shields for keeping him distant enough from the feelings the memory conveyed and inspired in him, but he dreaded the time he would come out of his protected state of mind to face all the feelings he had ignored. The question remained: why had he accepted the word mudblood could apply to Lily? His friends had been careful not to use it for her at the beginning but since she was so distant... now not so much he realized, cheeks burning in shame. They were always careful to only use the word in their common room when she could not hear them and complain about it to Severus. He could not be mad at them. They had warned him she was not a true friend to him. They had tried to prepare him for the inevitable let down. Fool that he was. Even with the both of them almost not talking, he had believed in their friendship, taking solace that they were different back home. And she always came back to him with questions, interrogations... She still tried to convince him she was right...You only did that if you cared, right?
This evening, she had come to him again; she had trusted him not to lie to her even to cover for his House. Even though it had been weird.
Ignoring Mulciber—to Jonathan's relief he could tell—Severus went out of the common room.
"Lily?"
"Sev!" she exclaimed, a smile gracing her anxious face. "I wasn't sure you would come."
Severus raised an eyebrow.
"I'm always here for you Lily. You know it."
She blushed a little, her hands straining her sleeves.
"I wasn't sure. We do not see each other much this year."
Whose fault was it, he wanted to ask, but she beat him to it.
"It's not a reproach. With our friends and our homework, my prefect duty... I am glad we see each other in Potions class."
Severus blinked. That was nice. Unexpected but nice.
"Can we go talk somewhere private?" she asked, looking around a little nervously.
Right. It was definitively about McDonald.
He shrugged. "Sure. Come on."
They walked in silence until they found an empty classroom. As always, Lily sat on a desk while Severus sat astride his chair.
"So," she said. "You heard about Mary?"
"McDonald?"
She nodded.
"I heard she was attacked in school but with all the... pranks... going around lately, it's not uncommon."
"It was no prank Sev," Lily said, almost whispering. "He tried to rape her."
What?
"What did you say?"
"Mulciber tried to rape Mary. There are no witnesses. She refused to show the memory to the Aurors. She refused to press charges. I need to find proof for her," she finished, looking him straight in the eyes.
She looked both so strong and so frail.
"This is weird Lily. Why not show her memory of the attack?"
"I think she's ashamed."
"But is she accusing him?"
She sighed.
"It's weird. She told me it was Mulciber when I found her during my prefect round. She was... You should have seen her... Her clothes were torn; she had bruises on her... The day after, she said she did not know who had attacked her. But she's always watching, tensing when Mulciber is around."
Severus so not wanted to be here right now. Mulciber's behaviour was coherent with what Lily was telling him but it was no proof... Why was McDonald not accusing him? Her memory could not have been tampered with after Lily had found her… Mulciber had been interrogated and released... And why had Mulciber said she had betrayed him?
He sighed.
"Honestly Lily, what do you expect me to say? Mulciber did not tour our common room claiming to have attacked McDonald."
She frowned at him.
"That's all?"
Severus wanted to roll his eyes. What did she expect? McDonald was among her friends that were constantly harping Lily on how she should drop Severus like an old sock, preferably stomping on him a few times for good measure before going away forever with her Gryffindor group of idiots.
"What do you want from me Lily?"
She looked at him with disbelief.
"One of my friends almost got raped by your friend and you don't care?"
If he had been any less a Slytherin, his jaw would have dropped. What was going on?
"Lily. First Mulciber is not my friend."
"Really?"
Severus frowned. It was true that compared to the other Houses, Slytherin presented a united front in public, making it hard to know the House politics and alliances. But he had never talked to Lily about Mulciber being his friend so why...
"He's a fifth year Slytherin like me. He never bothered me but we are not particularly acquainted."
"We are not particularly acquainted," she mimicked. "You've always talked well Sev but now... what a politician," she railed.
It hurt. Mother had taken great care her son talked like any Pureblood and it had been an immense help during his first year but to have Lily use it against him…
"I cannot help if you do not like my answers Lily," Severus said stiffly, feeling more and more like this talk could not end well.
She shook her head.
"You really don't care, do you?"
"Lily, that's not true. But what would you have me do?" he pleaded.
She jumped, from the desk, standing right in front of him. He had stood too.
"What if she had been me?"
"Why could it have been you?" Severus asked, feeling out of his depth and like he was missing a huge unsaid part of the conversation.
She looked at him, feelings playing so fast on her face Severus could not follow.
"You really don't get it," she said resignedly.
She left, banging the door and leaving him alone and lost.
Severus replayed their talk several times in his mind, kicking himself for not showing more sympathy to McDonald but honestly, he had not known how to react. And Lily had not even insisted he try wrangling out a confession from Mulciber. It was so unlike her to leave him alone without getting what she wanted…
He let the matter go when her behaviour toward him did not change the days after their conversation.
Watching the memory, Severus wondered... Before saying he did not get it, she had fleetingly looked... relieved? She had asked how he would feel if the same happened to her... Had someone inferred all Slytherins would go attack female Gryffindors and that Lily would be Severus' choice? He felt sick, but it sounded like something Gryffindors could come up with. Black would surely relish telling these rumours. And... He had to admit Mulciber could have been the one to whisper these threats to McDonald…
Unwilling to dwell on this disturbing thought, Severus hurried to open the next memory and immediately regretted it. Fifth year was so not his year.