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AN1-2020/12/20: Chapter now betaed by Miette and dstone12, thank you :)
Taking a deep breath, Severus stilled himself for the next memory.
Two weeks before Christmas, Severus had been surprised to receive a letter from Mother. She asked him to come home for Christmas because she missed his company and wanted to enjoy the festive season with her son.
Severus could not describe the joy he had felt at Mother's request. For the first time in his life, she was explicitly asking for his company. He knew his father had not come back and could not help but feel things were looking up. With luck, Mother would forget the bastard and accept living with her son in the wizarding world soon.
A few days later, Severus said his goodbyes to Evan and Jonathan before leaving King's Cross station to go home.
Mother welcomed him with a smile and a hug, fussing over him like she had seldom done before. For the first time in years, the house was clean, smelling of scented herbs instead of moisture and alcohol.
Severus was pleased to note Mother had gained a few pounds. She was wearing a dress he had bought for her this summer and it complimented her figure nicely. Severus was relieved at least one thing in his life was improving. Seated outside with hot cocoa as he watched Mother work on their potion garden, he felt his worries fade and enjoyed the late afternoon.
On Christmas day, Severus awoke to the aroma of coffee and fresh baked bread. He could hear a Christmas air playing. Quickly dressing himself, he went downstairs. Mother sat in front of the tree they had decorated together, silently mouthing the words of the song the radio was playing.
She smiled when her son gave her a kiss, standing up to lead him to the kitchen where breakfast was waiting. In addition to the coffee and bread Severus had identified, she had laid out different jams as well as the biscuits and gingerbread they had baked together the previous day.
Severus happily tucked in under her amused gaze.
After eating their fill, they both sat under the tree to open the small pile of presents waiting underneath.
Jonathan's gift was a book that delighted Severus, Runes and Plants, the forgotten protections. His friend had added a small card explaining there was an entire section of the book about creatures. Severus hoped his own gift would please him too. Evan and he had put their money together to buy him places for a concert of his favourite music band. They happened to play near his place during the summer holidays.
Evan had offered him an Absorball. Severus was speechless. It was onerous and difficult to make. It looked like a ball of glass, similar to a Remembrall. It absorbed all things magical aimed at it, and was particularly used to practice spell casting. Evan recommended it when Severus needed to release pressure or work on the intensity of his spells.
They really were true friends.
Severus was elated to also find a gift from Lily. Having enough money for once, he had bought her a fine green silk scarf embroidered with golden thread but had not thought she would gift him with anything this year. It was a book on healing spells. Severus wondered at its significance before seeing she had written a small note inside.
Merry Christmas Sev.
I know your interest in magic is broad but I do not think you have really studied healing magic in depth. I hope you find as much pleasure and more in this white magic than in your dark spells. Please give a thought to your future possibilities.
Love
Lily
Ah. She was trying a different approach to turn him from Slytherin but was honest about it. He could not begrudge her the try when she had not disparaged any of the people he held dear with her gift. Plus, it meant she still cared enough to try. And healing spells were useful to know. Severus always observed Madam Pomfrey carefully when she cast a spell or gave potions – either to him or another patient- but he had never taken the time to really study the subject. All in all, it was a fine gift.
His Mentor and Lucius had only sent him a cryptic letter wishing him a merry Christmas day for him and his family. Severus was to get his present during the next mentor meeting but only if he was deemed worthy of it. Severus imagined very well the smirk on Lucius' face and the smile in his Mentor's eyes while they penned the letter. They both knew Severus was not the patient kind.
Still, there were chocolate macarons along with the letter and Severus happily shared with Mother who got a wistful look when tasting her first one.
Severus finally opened Mother's present. It was a book on Occlumency and Legilimency. A very detailed book he wished he had owned before. Glancing through it, it became obvious he still had much to learn on Occlumency and knew nothing of Legilimency. It might help him refine his techniques to block the werewolf memories better.
"Do you know what Occlumency and Legilimency are?" asked Mother, watching him expectantly.
"I do actually," said Severus. "It will be useful."
"Princes tend to be naturals, or at least to master this branch of magic without too much difficulty compared to most. Of course, it is challenging work but I know it will not be a problem for you."
Severus heard the pride in her voice. They really were better off without his father.
He got a hug for the cashmere cardigan he had bought her, as well as a reproof for spending his hard earned money so foolishly and a look he could not decipher.
Gifts opened, they dressed themselves warmly and went into the forest in search of potions ingredients.
They came back in time for a late lunch before settling in front of the fireplace. Mother had enchanted it so that the flames changed colours. Severus learned her father always did this little trick for her on Christmas morning because each year they were the first up. Severus listened happily as she showed him how to cast the charm wandlessly, only with light flips of their fingers.
Her face wistful while they played with the fire, she then turned serious and asked him about Hogwarts, his marks, his friends...
Severus happily spoke at length about Jonathan and Evan. He told her about Lucius' infatuation and his Mentor's reserve about Narcissa Black. Severus did not tell her much about his Mentor support. Mother approved of the mentorship but had always refused to meet Lord Malfoy, no matter the day or the occasion. Severus felt she was ashamed of herself and did not make mention of his Mentor's qualities, unwilling to spoil the day by underlining how her husband was found sadly lacking compared to the Lord.
Severus did not breathe a word of his difficulties with his wand. He did not tell her about the Marauders. He did not even think about broaching the werewolf incident. He did not want her to worry for him now that she could finally relax without his father's threatening presence.
He did tell her about the school's tensions between Lord Voldemort's supporters and the Minister's.
Mother listened with rapt attention. She was looking at him like never before, as if it were the first time she was really looking at him.
That night, Severus went to bed happy.
Severus awoke to the sound of birds chirping. Through the shutters, he could make out rays of sun. He remained lying in bed for a while, savouring the beginning of a beautiful day. Then he went downstairs quietly not to awaken Mother. He made himself breakfast with remnants of yesterday's biscuits and gingerbreads, and set himself on the sofa with one of Mother's few novels, enjoying the peaceful morning. From time to time, he went to check on the potions they had begun brewing together when he returned from Hogwarts.
When the church bell sounded midday, Severus began to worry. He had not heard Mother even stir. He hesitated before climbing to her room.
He knocked softly and waited.
He knocked again, a little harder. No answer.
Alarmed, Severus opened the door and entered the room.
Mother was on her bed, wearing one of the dresses Severus had bought her at the end of summer and her cashmere cardigan. Her arms were crossed on her chest. She looked peaceful.
Severus approached and shook her a little by the shoulder. She did not budge.
Dread pooling in his stomach, Severus took her hand. She was lukewarm.
Taking a deep breath, he searched for a pulse and found none.
He took a step back. Looking at the room, Severus noticed an empty glass on her bedside. He took it and smelled it. The scent was unmistakable. Aconite.
Putting the glass back on the bedside, he saw a letter with only his name on it.
No. No no no. She could not have done this. She could not have left him.
Turning to Mother, Severus tried every single spell he had ever seen Madam Pomfrey use. He cursed himself for not reading Lily's book earlier. Running, he went to retrieve it. Riffling through it, he found a diagnostic spell. He immediately cast it on Mother. Once. Twice. Thrice. The answer was always the same. She was dead.
Severus slide to the ground, watching Mother uncomprehending. Mother…
Severus watched as tears fell down the face of his memory self. Distantly, he noticed his wand had worked perfectly. There really was no logic to it.
He was angry at Mother for not waiting for his return to school to kill herself. He was angry at her for killing herself. He was angry at her for abandoning him. He was angry at her for not loving him enough to live.
In his memory, Severus finally got up from the floor. Hands shaking, he opened Mother's letter.
My dear Son,
I know my death will cause you pain and hardship but it is not enough to stay my hand. I asked you to come home for Christmas a few days after receiving your father's official demand for divorce. He has met another woman and wishes to build a normal and happy family with her.
Severus ground his teeth, ignoring the knife in his heart even though his father's feelings for his freaky family were no surprise to him.
I cannot bear to live without him and see him marry another woman who will give him what I could not. I now long for the relief death will bring me and I am ashamed to say you are not enough for me to keep on living.
I know my words will hurt you and I apologize, but I cannot regret them.
For the first time in years, Severus felt tears coming to his eyes. He had known this; Mother's cold body was resting on her bed right now. But to have her write these words, so cold and cruel... Mothers were supposed to put their children first no matter what.
Tightening his left fist, he kept reading.
I asked you here for Christmas because I wanted to spend my last days with you, my Son. Know that I loved every second that we spent together since you arrived home.
Severus swallowed thickly. She did care in her own way.
I also cannot ignore the pain it caused me not to have your father to share them with.
Severus wanted to scream.
You deserve to know why I chose to die today and for once I will not shy away from my responsibility in my fate.
You already know I come from the noble and respected House of Prince. I am the second child of Augustus and Madeline Prince. Marius is my older brother and the heir of the Prince line. He married Elea Greengrass just before my First Hogwarts years and your cousin Marcus was born only a year later. I was an average student during my time at Hogwarts. Potion was my best subject but I was far from your level of genius. I must confess when I assigned you the task of creating your own potions recipes, I never imagined you would be successful. The first time, I thought it was fluke, a stroke of chance. When you kept on getting your potions right, even with a recipe different from the one I had learned, I was proud of you.
Severus had realized during his first Hogwarts year that it was indeed uncommon to create your own recipes. He knew Mother had unknowingly helped him develop his potions and research skills, for which he was grateful.
Mother had never told him she was proud of him. It warmed his heart while making him feel her loss even more acutely.
I met your father during the summer following my sixth year. I was visiting a friend from Hogwarts and we met on the beach. My friend wanted to show me some inventions from the muggle world and how scandalous they were in their behaviour. That day, your father told me I would become his wife one day and we would have a wonderful family and be happy. We wrote to each other during my seventh year and were very much in love. I might have avoided much heartache if I had told Mother I was in love with someone but I did not dare tell her I wanted to marry a Muggle. My parents were not aligned with Grindelwald but, as every true Slytherin, they were wary of the muggle world and I knew Father would frighten your father away.
I at least should have told Father I wanted to continue my studies after Hogwarts. He would have accepted – even be proud – but I had no real vocation and to be honest, I did not want to. But I did not anticipate Father's actions soon enough.
As soon as I graduated, Father arranged a wedding between Arthurus Malfoy, a young cousin of Lord Abraxas Malfoy, and me.
Knowing Lord Malfoy, Severus could not help a surge of anger toward Mother. His sponsor's cousin could not have been worse than his father. Merlin, he could have been Lucius' removed cousin. How different his life would have been if not for his father... Suppressing his desire to pound his fist into a wall until he was numb, Severus kept reading Mother's last letter.
It was too late to say anything about your father because you do not cancel a wedding to a Malfoy. To my shame but not my regret, I ran away and married your father.
Of course, Father could find me thanks to the Head privilege. He sent Mother to me and she disinherited me. Not for running away but for not telling my husband I was a witch. She told me I was disowned until he knew and warned me my fairytale would end badly. We were to come to her when your father knew about Magic so that we could salvage my relationship with Father and my reputation in the best case, or so that I could divorce your father and live with my parents again in the worst case.
But I knew your father would never accept magic. War – the second muggle war which happened roughly at the same time as Grindelwald's reign -had shaken him deeply and he would not bear to discover a whole new world. He needed a simple life. I never considered telling him and we were so happy our first years together that I did not regret it. Of course, you ruined everything.
The words were knives in his heart even if he had already heard them. It had been years since she had last said them though, so he had hoped she had changed her mind. It was not fair. It was not his fault. Who knew how different his life might be if she had been honest with her husband?
When I learned I was pregnant, I was both happy and fearful. I hoped you would be a squib and took several potions and herbs known for lessening magic in order to improve my chances.
Severus felt sick. Those herbs were dangerous and more often than not killed or maimed the fetus. Mother had been so desperate she was willing to kill him… Those herbs were also dangerous for the woman who ingested them. Their purpose was to destroy magic and they did not discriminate between the baby's magic and his mother's. If Mother had taken a truly toxic amount of these herbs, her magical core could have been severely damaged. It would explain why she had not used magic often – before her husband broke her wand – and only for minor spells. In truth, she had not been able to do more. A damaged magical core could also unbalance a wizard and leave him prone to humour disorders…Severus felt a tear at the corner of his eye. Mother had wilfully destroyed herself by taking those herbs because of him. Had she not realized what she was doing? Had she not known how dangerous the herbs were for the both of them? He would never know now that she was…
Oh Merlin... That could explain why his wand was not working that well. Puberty might have revealed a damage caused by these herbs to his magical core...No, no, no. He had lost enough. He would not lose his magic too.
Severus considered throwing the letter away but he needed to keep reading. She was his mother.
Sadly, it was for naught. The day you made your ball fly toward you was the day my life ended. As I had known he would, your father hated magic.
Maybe he would not have if you had told him first, thought Severus resentfully.
His love for us waned until there was only disgust, fear and hate. I could have taken you to my parents, they would have accepted us. But I was ashamed. My pride and my love for your father prevented me from leaving him.
How could she be so selfish?
My son, I both love and loathe you.
Severus swallowed unwanted tears, his mind berating his heart which still hoped for some unconditional love from Mother but satisfied itself with such a hateful love declaration.
You are the cause of my happiness and my sadness.
I rejoiced in your cleverness only to be defeated when it brought no pride to your father. I hoped you would manage to make a place into his heart but you never did. I tried raising you as well as my mother would have but I know I have failed. I only hope you can forgive me for not being the mother I should have been.
I sincerely believe you will be better off without me and it assuages my guilt to know my death will bring relief to you, to me and to your father. I cannot bear to divorce him and see him marry another woman so Death will be the one to tear us apart.
I wish you all the best. I know you will be a great Wizard one day. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. If you can accept advice from a woman who made many mistakes, make your own decision as freely as I did but be better than me and make your choices openly. If you are braver than me, go meet your grandparents. I know they will adore your intelligence.
Live well Severus.
Love,
Mother.
PS: You will find a Gringotts vault key in my jewel box. I did put some money on the side in case you should need it. It is not much but should support you for your two summers left before graduating Hogwarts. I am not worried as I know you brew well enough to earn your life but it assuages my worries and my guilt.
Severus had no idea how long he remained on the floor, Mother's words flowing through his mind again and again. It was the potion alarm he had set to alert him that broke through his haze. Shutting his feelings away in his mind's laboratory for now, he went to check on the potions.
He worked until all his potions were finished then cleaned the laboratory thoroughly. Then he went back downstairs, took a sheet of paper and a pen and began his planning.
Severus had to be careful. No one in the Wizarding world could know Mother had committed suicide because suicide was forbidden.
Severus did not understand why because Wizards had no religion, what with Ghosts, Werewolves, Spirits, and other delightful creatures. Severus sometimes wondered if Greek gods and prophets were bored Wizards who manipulated Muggles for fun.
Jonathan had once told him it was a matter of cowardice: suicide meant you were not brave enough to face the ordeals life had in store for you. Severus rather thought it took a lot of courage to end one's life but had kept his opinion to himself as for once, all his classmates had seemed adamant about the subject. Later, when he had realised how much Purebloods valued their children and how few were born to each family, Severus had wondered if that law was the ministry's way of preserving magical lives, the same way duels to the death were officially forbidden.
Whatever the real reason, wizarding law was not lenient with those that committed suicide. Their assets were forfeited, and their living family was dishonoured. For five years, they needed to get the approval of the Ministry for every little transaction they wanted to make, be it find employment, marry someone or do a business transaction. The sentence could be shortened if one of the family members did an exemplary deed that counterbalanced the cowardice of the suicide. Severus rather thought the constant need for Ministry approval would lead to more suicides in the family but what could you do, dunderheads were everywhere.
Working late into the night, Severus finally had his plan. He brewed several potions he would need, both cursing and thanking Mother while he used one of her Dark Arts books.
In the end, Severus arranged the scene so that the Muggle authorities would believe Mother had died of pneumonia. He told them he had been away at school and had found her dead at his arrival.
The neighbours knew she was sickly – even if it usually was because of the lack of food and her husband's fists but you did not say those things to the police – so their testimony plus the concrete signs of pneumonia present in her body thanks to Severus' potion convinced the authorities.
Severus had Mother cremated with a Dark Arts potion so no Wizard would be able to determine the cause of her death if they ever inquired about it. He invited no one for her death ceremony and warned no one of the death of Mother.
Severus spent the rest of the break working on his creature spell. He tested it on small rodents first, both non-magical he found in town and magical he owl-ordered.
When the spell seemed to work as he intended, he concentrated on the counter-spell.
Finally, he tested the spell on himself. It worked beautifully. Severus almost lost consciousness from the pain of having his magic drained and blood loss before managing the counter.
Even after many blood replenishing potions, Severus felt weak.
His weakness lasted several days.
His spell was a success.