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AN1-2020/12/20: Chapter now betaed by Miette and dstone12, thank you :)
Severus took a deep breath as the next vial opened. This scene had happened today. He was nearly done with his study, and he was not sure he had gained much hindsight from his walk down memory lane. Should he really keep on torturing himself? Yet, he might notice something he had missed. Something that could explain why Lily had refused his apology only a few hours before.
Nodding to himself, he let the potion fumes engulf him.
Severus was walking towards the lake, muttering to himself about the OWL Defence against the Dark Arts questions when suddenly his path was blocked. What?...
"A greasy little snake plotting dark schemes on such a sunny day, we cannot have that happen…" drawled Sirius Black.
Severus swore to himself. Where had they come from? Why had he not noticed them before? Why had he not looked out for them? And where were Jonathan and Evan?
Helpfully, his mind focused on his potions laboratory, zooming on his unimportant shelf. As a vial jumped out from it and uncorked itself, he saw his past self join Evan and Jonathan after the last OWL. Jonathan told him he had to go to the infirmary to get something for his stomach ache and Evan said he would fetch his gobstones set so they could relax. His two friends told him to remain here and wait for them then dashed away. Severus saw himself grunt in agreement, stay put for a few minutes then shake his head and walk to the castle's grounds. Shit.
His method for focusing on passing his OWLS worked too well. He was forgetting everything else, putting every fact unrelated to the OWLS in his unimportant vials to be examined later… How had he not noticed before? It must have increased with time...
Lost in his analysis, when Severus came back to the present, he was surrounded by Black, Potter and Pettigrew, Lupin watching out for troubles. He sneered. Always a coward when not in monster form… He shivered. Better not go there.
"Well, well, seems like Snivellus used all his brain for the OWL, no snarky retort, no trying to insult us?" Said Potter, looking almost disappointed.
"Hmm, I think he's trying a new tactic. To appear inoffensive before stabbing us in the back, James," answered Black. "I am so bored; we should animate him a little. Let me think…"
Severus felt his heart sink. That was not good. Fast, think about something, a curse, something…
Watching the memory unfold, Severus swallowed. How could he have been so stupid? If only his wand was not behaving so badly… If only Evan had not gone for his gobstones….
Severus cast Protego just as Black sent a jelly legs toward him. To his relief, his shield held. He only needed to last until his friends returned. It should be enough for the Marauders to search for some easier fun. Severus tried to estimate how much time it would take for Evan to come back with his gobstones. The game was disgusting really, with the marbles spitting a foul liquid toward their player when he lost a point.
Suddenly his shield shuddered. Potter had cast a spell non-verbally and Severus had missed it. What... Merlin, he was losing his memories again. Well, shelving them away more accurately. He had to cancel what he had done. OWLs were over anyway, why had he not already done so?
Severus entered his potions lab, quickly finding the shelf containing the memories to review later – it was not hard, it acted like a magnet, attracting the memories to it. It was linked to his other memory shelves by golden threads.
Unsure how to proceed but knowing time was of essence; Severus willed the shelf to disappear. It did not budge.
He tried again, focusing on it. Nothing.
The threads. They were holding it to the other shelves, preventing his removal.
Severus ripped the threads and the shelf disappeared.
All at once, inconsequential memories assailed him. Binns droning on Goblins again. Going to dinner and eating with his friends. Walking in the castle. Walking past the Marauders, sidestepping to avoid a stinging hex and walking away as if they were nothing... He had done that?... Ignoring Lily as she called for him while he left the potions classroom to join Evan and Jonathan...When was that? He never ignored Lily!... Black disarming him and Potter casting Levicorpus ...
No. It was like a cold shower. He knew it had never happened. It was not possible. It was...
Straining not to lose himself again in the flood of memories, Severus forcefully put them on their right shelves.
Not wasting a moment, he sent his mind back to reality, hoping he was wrong.
Severus came to disoriented. He was looking at Black's feet. The git looked almost disappointed. Potter was... flirting with Lily?
"Come on Evans. I will let Snivellus down if you agree to go on a date with me," the arrogant prick was saying.
Potter must have been really affected by Lily because he was clearly not holding the spell well. Severus was swaying side to side and getting nauseous. Or it was Black... Nope, the git was glaring at Lily. Interesting, if Severus had not been feet over head. There, Pettigrew, the slimy rat, was making him move.
Severus closed his eyes not to offer them the pleasure of vomiting and suffocating himself. It helped, along with the slight breeze cooling his head. And his legs. Severus stiffened. They were showing his underclothes to everyone. To Lily. He had bought new ones at the beginning of the year but still...
He closed his eyes harder, unwilling to face the crowd's laughing faces any Marauders' prank attracted.
"I would rather date the giant squid than you Potter!" Shouted Lily.
Severus frowned. Her voice...
"Don't make me beg Evans. I will even swear not to bother him until next year."
How could this loser attract so many girls?
"Are you deaf Potter? Not if we were the last people on Earth." answered Lily.
Severus opened his eyes in shock. Her words were right but her tone… She was flattered. Flirting back. With Potter! When her oldest friend was being humiliated! What a...
"I do not need the help of a filthy Mudblood!" He yelled, putting as much disdain in the words as he could. Especially not one betraying me like this but the words were left unsaid. His humiliation was severe enough.
Silence. Potter was gaping at him. Black looked gleeful. Pettigrew was clearly enjoying himself. Lupin looked... sorry? The crowd was watching with anticipation. Lily... was staring at him, shock and sorrow and so many more feelings in her deep expressive green eyes.
"Fine. I wash my hand of you, Snape. And I'd wash my pants if I were you."
She left, walking regally to the castle.
She was leaving him. He wanted to call for her. Lily. Wait.
"So Snivellus. What should we do with you?" Asked Black almost playfully, calling Potter's attention back from Lily to Severus.
Severus desperately tried to call his wand to himself. Please. Accio. Please. Come to me. Please.
His wand remained in Black's hands.
Suddenly, Pettigrew shrieked.
"Let go of me, you wild beast."
A big hairy thing was attacking him. No corrected Severus. Fang was playfully biting his clothes. Meaning Hagrid was near.
"What is going on here?" Asked the Giant in a booming voice.
"Nothing Hagrid," said Potter quickly with a big smile. "Just letting the stress of the exams out, you know."
Potter skilfully let Severus on the ground while Black dropped his wand near him before joining the other Marauders to talk with Hagrid. The rest of the students had already dispersed.
Severus quickly stood up and pulled himself together before walking to the castle as fast as he dared. He was so screwed.
Severus grimaced. He did not look forward to coming out from his Occlumency state and dealing with these raw feelings again.
A few hours later, his memory self was in front of the Gryffindor common room. Gryffindors walked past him, some sneering, some baiting him. He did not care. He hid when Filch passed for his "just after curfew" round and then went back to his vigil.
Finally, Lily came out of her common room.
"What do you want?"
Her tone was icy. Cold enough to freeze the lake and the giant Squid within.
"Please Lily. I'm sorry. I did not mean it."
She stared at him.
"Really?"
"Of course not Lily! You know I don't care about you being a Muggleborn!" Severus said hastily, hope rising inside his chest. She was listening. She was always so quick to anger but so forgiving. If he apologized enough, maybe...
"And what about the other Muggleborns? Do you not care or am I the only one you will tolerate?"
Severus blinked. He tolerated very few people in truth.
"You know I don't care Lily, you are the one that matters."
She huffed. "Why call me this name then?"
Time to admit to some weakness. The words were hard to say.
"You know I was angry and humiliated…"
"Yes," she interrupted, "but why this word? Why this particular insult when so many others exist?"
Because I refuse to call you with names my father used on Mother.
Because I knew it was the one who would hurt you the most.
"It just came out," answered Severus lamely.
"That's the problem!" She shouted. "It came out because it's not shocking for you anymore. Once you yelled at other Slytherins for calling me this word. Now you don't care! Let's be honest Sev-"
"Yes, let's be honest," he interrupted hotly. "Once you disliked Potter and defended me against him, now-"
"I still do!" She interjected.
"Now you pretend to defend me while flirting with him," he finished coldly.
"I do not!" she answered, flustered.
"You did."
"Never."
"Lily. You said to be honest..."
"Be honest," she spit. "You are one to talk. When were you going to tell me about your mother?"
He froze. How had she known?
"My parents found out in the obituary section of the newspapers. They asked me why I hadn't told them so they could attend her funeral. "
"When would I have told you? Between mincing spleenwart leaves and crushing beetles eyes?" he asked her.
"We don't talk anymore Lily. We do not do anything together anymore," he added dejectedly. "Admit it. You were glad to finally have an excuse to drop me while coming up smelling like roses."
She looked at him, all fight gone.
"You're wrong. I'm just so tired of trying to make you see what you do not want to... I listened to you about the Marauders."
She raised her hand to prevent him from speaking.
"Yes, it took some time for me to understand, but I finally did because I listened to you. But you are not doing the same with your Lord Voldemort. You're not listening to me when I'm telling you he is not good for you. My parents told me about World War II. I tell you your Lord Voldemort reminds me a lot of Hitler."
"Lily! You cannot compare Lord Voldemort with that dictator! Lord Voldemort is trying to help us. To help children hurt by their families because of their magic, something they cannot control!"
"He's hurting people Sev!" she almost shouted. "Killing them when they cannot defend themselves. He's kidnapping children. It's like he thinks laws don't apply to him. And many Purebloods are supporting him. Like Mulciber. You know what he did to Mary. Can't you see they are not good?"
He was at loss to say anything. She was twisting everything to make Lord Voldemort look guilty. Some of her concerns resonated with his Mentor's but really, she was so blind. And not listening. No doubt she was only repeating what her Gryffindor friends were spouting every day.
Severus watched their conversation unfold grimly. What argument could he have found to make her forgive him? They had already argued so many times over this same point. But this time, she would not agree to disagree. He felt his heart clench despite Occlumency shielding him from the brunt of his feelings. She genuinely thought she was acting in his best interest. But he understood now that she would never accept him back if he followed Slytherin's ideals. If he remained true to his beliefs.
He held his hand toward her beautiful face, as in his memory, She looked at him, vibrant green eyes brimming with tears.
"Sev, …You make it so hard to be friends..."
She shook her head and looked at him right in the eyes.
"Honestly Sev, the little girl in me will always cherish the little boy who told me I should not be afraid of my magic. But now it is time we part ways."
She was abandoning him. Like Mother. Why?
Without a word, Severus turned to flee. There was no hope anymore.
"Wait."
He stopped, heart beating with hope.
"Potter told me you owed him a life debt."
There was no word to describe this disgusting conceited being.
Severus laughed joylessly.
"I cannot wait to see Potter try and fail to collect his debt."
He turned, facing Lily, face devoid of any emotion but contempt.
"What you may not know is that life debts are very complex Magic. Let's say a woman named Mary acted in such a way a man named Pete now owes her a life debt. Several scenarios can happen. Let's say Pete does not care for Mary's hold over him and wants revenge for it. He tries to kill Mary's child. If Mary values her own life more than her child's, nothing happens and Pete kills the child. But if he then tries to kill her, he dies. However, if Mary values her child's life more than hers, Pete dies before killing the child."
Severus paused. Lily was captivated by his words. How ironic.
"Now, if Pete was not bothered by the life debt, he could do nothing and just live his life. They could both die without the debt being paid and the death of Pete would dissolve the debt. Or Mary could need a huge favour that she feels only Pete can give her. She goes and asks Pete for the favour. Pete can accept to do her the favour. Either it is worth enough Magic will consider the debt paid, or he will need to do another favour to Mary to pay his debt. He can also refuse to do the favour for Mary if it does not mean acting against what she values more than her life. In this case, Mary can use a ritual to collect the favour but it is not without risk. If she asks for a favour cheaper than his life, he will be compelled to do it and still owe her. If it's as costly as his life, he'll be compelled to obey then be free. If it's more expensive than his life, he will not be compelled to act."
Severus paused again and smiled. It was not a nice smile.
"Last possible scenario. Pete does not really owe Mary a life debt, she uses the ritual and she dies because Magic punishes those who want to collect what is not theirs. "
Severus abruptly turned and left a gaping Lily behind him. It was so hard to breathe.
The memory dissolved slowly.
Severus waited but no other memory came forward. Relieved to have finally finished his herculean task, Severus was bracing himself for his return to reality when he paused. He had not checked his trapdoor.
He hesitated. He had just reviewed important memories, surely it had cleared any blocked feelings...
Wrong, he had used Occlumency to be able to distance himself from the memories, said a little voice sounding like Jonathan. Anyway, it cost nothing to check, right?
Reluctantly, Severus went and opened the trapdoor. He took a step back, uncomprehending. Where there had once been one box, it now had several companions.
He was not ready to deal with so much locked feelings. He would need a quiet place where he was sure not to be disturbed. And he would need time. Lots of time. Severus had no idea how long he had been reviewing his memories but he suspected morning was near.
He needed to address this. After sleeping. And eating.
Right. And he still needed to decide what he would do next year.
Who was he kidding. He wanted to pass his NEWTS and never come back to Hogwarts. He wanted to be free. He wanted... to be independent. He wanted … to be emancipated.
It could work.
Decision taken. Planning later. Sleep now.
Dragging himself from the empty room, Severus went to bed, only casting a quick tempus that read 5 am before falling into oblivion.
On Sunday, Severus went to breakfast early then decided to enjoy the sun outside. To avoid any student, he walked near the forbidden forest. It was peaceful.
He found a welcoming log just big enough to support his back comfortably as he sat on the ground. He remained there, doing nothing, focusing on the noises of the nature surrounding him.
Almost without thinking, he found himself in his potion lab. He walked amidst the quietly bubbling cauldrons. The fumes were light, just enough so he would sense any intruder and be able to react. No growls or hateful words were permeating the place. It was peaceful.
Shaking his head, Severus purposely walked toward his trapdoor. He might as well take care of some of these boxes.
The boxes had not disappeared during the night. They were patiently waiting for him.
So, which one first? Eeny, meeny, miny, moe… Accio box.
Box in hand, Severus sat on his lab floor. Might as well get comfortable in his own mind.
He hesitated slightly before flipping the lid open.
Fear and pride enveloped him. Finally, he had done it. The man was gone from their life. He had been so scared. For Mother. For him. He had done it.
Severus breathed in the feelings, harnessing them then sending them to join their proper memories. The box disappeared silently. That one had been easy. It might be because it had been his first box and he had already opened it once before. Or because it was the only box he had been aware of having created. That was troublesome. Another thing to ponder later.
Sighing, Severus accioed another box.
It hurt. So much he could not breathe. She had left him. Forever. He had thought she was getting better, forgetting her husband. Forgetting his father. Enjoying being with her son. Talking about magic without fear. He had thought…she loved him more than that man. He had thought … she regretted the words said when he was younger. He had thought… she was going to love him unconditionally now. Such a fool. Always hoping… Hope was for the weak. But without hope…Mother.
Why? Wasn't he enough?
Shaking, Severus emerged from the sea of pain. He knew it hurt. He had to accept he would never be first for her. But he had friends. His Mentor. They were always here for him. They were his family now. He took the pain and threw it to his memory shelves where the vial containing Mother's death absorbed it.
The box disappeared in a plop.
Two boxes done, seven more to go. Maybe he should rest before doing the rest. But would he have the courage to do it later?
Another box was in his hand. When had that happened? No matter. Severus opened the box quickly before losing his nerve.
Overpowering guilt washed over him. It was so wrong. He should not think like this. He should be ashamed. Good sons do not wish they belonged to another family. Good sons do not wish Lucius was their brother in blood. Good sons do not wish they had blond fair hair. Good sons do not wish their Mentor was their father. Good sons are not angry with their Mother for refusing to meet with their Mentor and preventing them from spending more time with the man they wished were their father. Good sons … do not let their Mother die…
Severus let the guilt wash over him again and again. She had left him. She had admitted he was not enough. It was okay to search for a family somewhere else. It was okay…
Two boxes disappeared in a flash. Two for one, that was nice.
Severus decisively seized another box and opened it.
It hurt. A little. He was not enough. The man had always said it but Severus had thought he could change the man's view if he tried hard enough… Maybe he had not? But no. Mother had said in her letter that his Father hated Magic. Any Magic. He even hated the wife he had once loved because of Magic. What could Severus have done?
The box disappeared silently. Well. That was anticlimactic.
He accioed one of the boxes left.
Instantly, it melted into his hands, enveloping him in a whirl of growls, stench, fear and claws. He was going to die. Right now. Because he had ignored his instinct and chosen to go save a girl who dropped him at the first opportunity. Because deep down he had wanted to witness the hard proof of his deductions. Because his wand was betraying him. Because they should have gone to Ollivanders' instead of going to a crazy seer wandmaker who wanted children to face death, whatever it meant. Because Werewolves were scary.
Severus breathed deeply. It was alright to fear a Werewolf. He accepted the fear. It was not mastering. him, he was in control of the fear. He had a spell to defeat the Werewolf now. Slowly, the feelings receded until they joined Severus' memories shelves where they dissolved.
Immediately, another box flew toward Severus, opening in mid-air.
All at once, Severus was filled by a feeling of power and superiority. He was invincible. No one would ever tell him what to do ever again. He was the master. They would bow to him. They would fear him. He was such a genius for creating this masterful spell. His spell was working well. So well. He should cast it again. For more power. But… Why was he feeling so weak? What?…. His spell… What was the counter?... So Weak…
Panting, Severus wrenched himself from his feelings. He had forgotten this. The birth of Sectumsempra. He had almost died for not taking the most basic precaution when working on a Dark spell. Mother would have scolded him. But she had just committed suicide so …
Anyway, He could accept the fear. It was nothing new. It was not more frightening than a Werewolf. It was like working on a new potion. He just needed to be more careful next time.
The box shrank but did not disappear.
Right. The hardest part.
Each time Severus had cast Sectumsempra on different animals to test it, he had felt more and more powerful. But when he had cast it on himself, he had been … invincible. He had wanted to cast it over and over. Only his weakness had prevented him from doing so. He knew Dark Arts could be addictive if one was not prepared when using them. He had not been in his right mind then. He had been lucky his spell was well constructed. He knew with deep certainty that if his Magic had not been well redirected, he would have died that day.
The thought was sobering. His spell was as dangerous as the creatures against whom he had been created to be used. He should never forget this fact when using his spell.
As he acknowledged it, Severus felt a weight lift from his shoulder. The box was gone.
He was sweating profusely now. "How could one sweat in his own mind?, asked an incredulous voice that sounded suspiciously like Evan. Severus did not acknowledge the thought. Three boxes remained. He needed to finish this.
Severus grabbed a box which opened spontaneously.
Once again, fear enveloped him. Why were his spells not working? He knew the theory backward and forward. His wand movements were perfect. His pronunciation was perfect. He had had a close encounter with a Werewolf. He could see Thestrals now. He should have met his wand requirements. So why was it not working? Had Mother really stunted his magic with her herbs? He needed control and power to achieve Potion Master grade I …
The fear was not as intense as for some of the other boxes. It might be because Severus had managed his OWLs practicals perfectly. Now that he thought about it, his wand was behaving better, although not perfectly. Was it because he had faced its requirements or was it because he had created the boxes or…?
Magic was so complicated…
The box slowly dissipated leaving only two more boxes to open.
Severus accioed the biggest one which burst into the air. It hurt. She was leaving him. He had known deep down it was coming but he had hoped… As always hope… The hurt burnt like an old wound. It was painful but bearable. Lily. Their friendship had been complicated since their second year… Severus had been waiting for the other shoe to drop… His friends had warned him too… But he had hoped… Maybe sometime later… In a few years… In a hundred years… They might be friends again…
The feelings flew to Severus memory shelves. He turned his attention to the last box. What could it contain he had not already faced?
Slowly, Severus took the box in his hands. It was oh so small. Deceptively so. Taking a deep breath, he opened the box.
Incomprehension. Hurt. Resentment. Jealousy. Why was he singled out among all Hogwarts' students? What had he done for them to make him suffer so? Would he have been in their club if he had been a Gryffindor? Would Lily have valued his friendship more if he had been cool like them? But he had Jonathan and Evan. They were loyal. And witty. And intelligent. And not cruel. Not unnecessarily so. Severus loved his friends. So why did it hurt so much? Much more than Lily's abandonment. Maybe because he still did not understand why him? Maybe because it could have been different if only…?
The feelings flew around him, again and again. Finally, they receded to disperse all over his memory shelves.
Severus got up shakily to check there really were no other boxes hiding in a corner of his trapdoor.
Relieved to find it empty as it should be, he prepared himself to leave his lab but blacked out before he could.
When Severus came to, he was exhausted. And warm? Blinking his eyes, he took into his surroundings. Wood. Wool cover, surprisingly fluffy. And a huge stack of breathing hairs?
"You're awake. Finally."
Startled, Severus looked up into Hagrid's concerned face.
"Aye, found you passed out on the ground near the forbidden forest. Was afraid you were gonna catch a cold."
Or become some creature's meal, added Severus in his head.
"Fang has taken a liking to you already"
Indeed, the big dog was on his back while Severus was absently rubbing his belly.
Oh. He really needed to pay more attention to what he was doing. He quickly checked his mind but the irrelevant shelf was still gone. He had just been distracted. He could not afford to be.
"I am glad he forgave me for the fright of our first meeting."
"He's a good dog. Good judge of character."
The Giant paused thoughtfully.
"Why didn't you come sooner lad? I would have introduced the two of you. Lily came on her own these past years."
Severus felt himself blush.
"I know Hagrid. I just … I … I was feeling guilty for Fang. And then I felt it was too late to … you know…" he trailed off lamely.
Hagrid's eyes softened.
"It's never too late Severus."
Severus stayed for dinner, eating the Giant simple but filling fare of soup, bread and cheese. He did give his dessert – rock cookies – to Fang which happily devoured them before contentedly laying down on Severus' legs for a rub and a nap.
His evening was uncomplicated. Quiet. Relaxing. He really should have come to Hagrid sooner. Hagrid's interactions were simple. Straightforward. His hut was quiet if you were used to the animal's cries. Warm and cosy.
"I'm glad I saw you today Hagrid. I … may not be back next year."
Seeing the Giant's alarmed expression, he smiled gently.
"I'm hoping to pass my NEWTs this summer and find an Apprenticeship for next year."
Hagrid chuckled.
"Of course, smart lad like you. I should not be surprised nor worried about you. You know what you want. Do give me some news though, right?"
"I won't forget you Hagrid."