Chapter 21: Not Okay!

"I want to go home Derek." she murmured, curled up against him while a tray of hospital food was placed in front of her. She had to eat. She was hurt, broken but that did not mean she could skip meals. There was too much shit going around, wounds resurfacing. He didn't want to talk about it now, about what had happened those nine years ago. She was finally calm for the time being and all he wanted was her to eat.

"Mer, come on just a few bites and then we can see about brining you home." he whispered softly, playing with the silver spoon placed in a bowl of some kind of nasty shit he would have never eat in his life.

"I'm not hungry. I just want to go home." she begged.

"I want us to go home too Mer, but this takes time. You are injured and you still need to talk to the police. We also need to talk when you're ready. Home can wait for now."

"I don't like it here." she cried. "People pass and stare at me and I know their talking about me. Probably because I'm a whore." she whispered.

"You are not a whore." he snapped, regretting his harsh tone as soon as she flinched in his arms. "Sorry." he murmured. "I do not ever want to hear you say that. You are not a whore or anything near the meaning of that word. Understood."

She nodded in reply her eyes welling up although no tears surfaced on her face, the bandaid overpowering her delivcate features.

"I'm okay Derek. I really am." she said quietly meeting his eyes. "This happened before and I turned out decent enough on my own. There doesn't have to be police-"

"He is going to pay. I will not allow him to get off easily after doing that then and now." he stated harshly.

"He's your brother." she whimpered.

"You're my Meredith."

Meredith's Point-of-View

Derek was hurting, I know he was. I could tell even from the small smile displayed on his face that he was hurt. His eyes weren't sparkling like they used to. His laugh lines were now overcome with stress marks. He still said he was just fine. That was my word. Fine. I was the one who said I was fine when I really never was. He was doing it now. I had rubbed off on him, giving him one of my bad traits of acting completely irrelevant to what I actually felt like.

I felt like garbage. The kind that was thrown at the side of the curb when tattered and used. I was that, and even so Derek still held me in his arms. He held me close and whispered such things to me that made me even feel more worse. Why wasn't he mad at me? Why didn't he press on about my shameful past that he had just learned moments prior? Why?

Everything right now felt numb. Since Parker, since the break down, since talking to the police with Derek by my side. I was numb and all I could see was Derek's sad face trying to breathe for me when he himself was having such a hard time surviving on his own.

"Stop." I whimpered, rubbing my face against his chest, taking in the smell of his day old shirt.

"Stop what?" he asked quietly.

"You don't have to pretend. I have eyes you know, and I could see you're far from fine."

"Mer." he groaned, sighing deeply letting his head fall back against the bed before looking back at me. "Right now, is not the time-"

"It is the time." I snapped back. "I was raped. But I'm here and I'm okay-"

"You're not okay." he growled. "You are not okay!"

"And you are?" I retorted, clinging onto his shirt as I felt the tears fill my eyes. "He was you're best friend and he did- it's not easy."

"It isn't easy." he whispered, his hands coming to my face as he stroked underneath my chin softly. "Watching you being tortured was far from easy. Watching you cry for me while he did that to you was not easy. Of course, it was not easy for me to have my best friend stab a knife through my heart. Right now it's not easy having you try and comfort me when you are hurting." he sobbed.

"You're hurting to Der." I whispered, placing my forehead against his.

"Doesn't matter."

"It does matter. I'm here because of you. I'm safe. You saved me."

He shook his head violently. "No. No I didn-"

"Don't you dare deny it." I shot back.

"No." he still shook his head, tears falling from his eyes. "I didn't save you the first time." he sobbed.