XLI

The Dementor's Kiss.

He should've expected it. After all, the minister had warned him… And yet, Sirius had pushed that thought as far from his mind as possible.

The Kiss…

They'd suck his soul out of his mouth, and leave him as a haunted, never-resting corpse in a cold cell, to remain there for the rest of his days. Sirius had read it in the Daily Prophet that he stole from the old Lupin. The decision was final, official, and already publicized. If he was captured, that would be it…

Sirius was afraid.

He'd reached the sea. Sitting atop a cliff, looking down on the Scottish shore, above the waves that broke and frothed against the rocks, he let go of the Daily Prophet. He watched as the paper fluttered and danced in the wind before it slowly fell into the dark blue waves. It swam for a few seconds before the water drenched it through and sucked it into its depth.

He could be that piece of paper, Sirius contemplated. The depth of the sea would be far more merciful than the fate that awaited him.

The thought came unbidden, but once it was there, it remained stuck in his head. It took root there, sprawled and spread like stubborn weed. It would be easy then. One step, a few seconds of falling, and then… whatever was then…

Would he see James and Lily again? Would they condemn him for his mistake, for how blindly he'd trusted Peter and how that had led to their deaths, or would they take him in with open arms?

The uncertainty was difficult to bear, but it was still easier than the certainty of the very real, very cruel fate the ministry had in mind for him. What happened to a soul that was eaten by a Dementor? Would he be forever haunted by them, or was there a semblance of peace to be found there?

He shook his head. Tangled black hair flew every which way, some strands came loose, flying and dancing in the wind the way the Daily Prophet had before. Trying to halt his thought process before it could throw him into the depth of despair, Sirius took a shaky breath. He wouldn't let himself be captured. He wouldn't let it come to that…

Neither did he want to die, but it seemed the far more bearable option now. He wasn't so naïve to assume he could fight the world for the rest of his life. And the world had decided to bestow the cruelest punishment on him, that it could find. Sooner or later, he'd make a mistake he couldn't twist his way out of. Sooner or later… So, he wouldn't let it come to that, not if he had a say in the matter.

For the last weeks, Sirius had slowly made his way north. There was a goal right in front of his eyes, there was a clear idea of what he had to achieve… But the after had always evaded him. He didn't know what to do then. Well, now he did…

It wasn't a happy thought. He didn't remember the last time he had a genuinely happy thought. He assumed it was when he was traveling with the boy, but even that was hard to say now. The past, even the day right before today, seemed vague and lost in his memory. It was maybe better that way… If he planned to die, what reason was there to hold on to memories that would only make him regret his choice, that would make him want to live? He would die… There was no other option now. Either that or he would wait to be caught and kissed. Sirius shuddered at the thought.

In a way, finally being able to answer the question of then gave him a strange sort of peace. In fact, he felt so at peace with the decision, that he wondered why he'd fought it for so long. What was there to keep him here, shackled to this world, a world that wanted him to suffer far worse than death.

Moony? Remus hated him. Harry? He probably did too. Everybody did. They thought him a traitor and he had no way to prove them wrong. Sirius Black wasn't stupid, had never been stupid. He knew that with Peter captured and exposed, maybe he'd have a chance to show to the world what had really happened. But it was a longshot… And a risk. How would he do that? How would he expose Peter without help, with no wand, with no way to keep him contained? He could probably drag Peter all the way to the minister himself, and the man would have him kissed before Sirius could even tell his tale.

Then, Peter would weasel his way out again, maybe he'd go back to the Weasleys, maybe he'd find a different hiding place and Sirius wouldn't have achieved anything. The rat had to die. And if killing Peter meant he'd destroy any chance to ever prove his own innocence then so be it. Sirius didn't mind. He didn't exactly cling to this world. There was little keeping him here.

It was a freeing realization.

And still, he was terrified. Because it was one thing, to decide that once his plan was fulfilled, he'd end it there… It would be another altogether to succeed with his plan in the first place. What if he didn't? What if he was caught before ever reaching Peter? He was walking his way to Hogwarts, but once he was there, he had no idea how to reach him. And any mistake, he might pay with his soul.

It was a terrifying, brain-numbing thought that made his limbs heavy. As he turned away from the cliff to continue his way north, his paws were dragging as if tied to the ground, as if he was pulled down to hell itself. There was part of him, that regretted the whole thing altogether.

If he was caught, if he lost his soul…what would he have paid his soul for? Wouldn't it have been better for everybody if he'd just remained in Azkaban? He'd read about the Dementors in Hogwarts… Dementors haunting a school because of him. Surely, he caused them quite a lot of stress, all his friends. Was Moony questioned? Were they afraid of him? And the people Kakashi had injured in the Ministry, had they recovered? Or had people died because he couldn't just keep sitting in his cell?

Maybe it would all be worth it once he killed Peter. Maybe that was even worth his soul. But if he didn't if he ended up losing his soul for nothing…

The thought made him sick. His stomach turned just thinking about these creatures. And he was walking right toward them. Had he gone mad after all?

He could end it any time, he knew. Turn around, back to that cliff, it was still not too far away. Cut this pitiful existence short… How long would it take to fall, he wondered, to drown?

But he knew, that would be the coward's way out. After how far he'd come, he couldn't just turn around without ever even trying to kill Peter. Harry needed him!

It was the thought that propelled him forward.

Peter was posing as a common garden rat, a pet to one of Harry's classmates. The boy Wormtail lived with was a Weasley, so chances were high, that he'd be a Gryffindor, and of course, Harry would be as well, just like his parents. Those two, Harry and the Weasley boy were probably friends, and that meant Wormtail would be close to Harry. He slept in the same dormitory.

Any moment, if he saw an opportunity, Peter could turn and kill Harry, a young, hapless boy, who wouldn't expect the enemy so close.

Sirius had been quite the disappointment as a godfather. But not for lack of wanting or trying. When James asked him to be Harry's godfather, surely it had been one of the proudest moments of his life. He wanted nothing more than to be a real godfather to Harry. But he couldn't. It wasn't possible. The chance was denied to him.

But he could still protect Harry from this one enemy. It miffed Sirius, that that would be all he'd ever do for the boy since he knew, that Harry would be hunted not just by Peter, but by all death eaters and Lord Voldemort himself if he ever came back…once he came back. Still, there was no point in lamenting over that fact. He'd long come to accept, that life wouldn't allow him to do what he wanted, to be who he wanted to Harry.

So, as a godfather, at least that much he could do for the boy. Protect him from the rat hiding in his dormitory.

And then…

And then…

He'd die. One way or the other. Fate had quite clearly drawn a line under his life and his options were very limited. He'd choose death over the Dementor's Kiss. And if he failed… If he failed and was caught and denied the option to choose himself… It would be the Dementor's Kiss then.

A fate worse than death.

And if he just stopped thinking about that, stopped considering the possibilities or what it meant to have his soul sucked out of his mouth… If he just stopped thinking, then maybe he could live with that too.

One way or the other… He had an answer to that nagging question now. And maybe, now that he knew, he could finally stop dreaming about a future he knew he couldn't have.

Professor Snape was getting on his nerves now. He was sneaking around like a predator that had caught a whiff of its prey. Only that any predator Kakashi knew would be better at sneaking around. It was obvious, that Snape was trying to talk to him, and Kakashi was fairly certain that he knew about what.

Snape knew that he spoke Japanese since Draco had shown him his memory. He also knew about the clone, as he'd asked Professor Burbage about his Muggle Studies attendance. There wouldn't be any getting around it now, Kakashi knew, he'd have to reveal some of his story to appease the bat. Truthfully, he doubted Snape would be appeased by anything but the full story, and maybe not even that, but Kakashi wasn't one to tell easily…

And he wasn't certain if it was safe to tell.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were investigating him because they knew he was lying, and they were bugged about it. But they were also naïve children. The idea that they might use their knowledge of his past, should he ever tell them, in a way to harm him or Konoha would be so far from their minds, that Kakashi had little qualms about telling them apart from the obvious concern: They wouldn't believe him.

It was different with Snape. The man was cunning and shrewd, Kakashi could tell that from the way he assessed him every time they saw each other. He also hadn't been very nice so far, which didn't have to mean anything, but it stopped Kakashi from trusting him completely. Never mind, once Snape knew, Dumbledore would surely know as well, and Kakashi wasn't certain where that chain ended. Would Dumbledore tell the ministry? And how likely was the ministry to use any knowledge about Kakashi's world for their advantage?

He didn't know and not knowing meant he wasn't willing to risk it.

In theory, the same would be true for the children. Hermione struck him as the kind of girl who'd run straight to her teachers with anything that was slightly worrying to her. But he was fairly confident that he could keep her in check and if he couldn't do it himself, surely Harry and Ron would help him. Unlike Hermione, they surely enjoyed having secrets that their teachers never learned about.

In any case, none of that was the real reason, why he'd avoided Snape for the entirety of the day. Sooner or later – at the latest during his next Potions class – Snape would catch up to him. The reason, Kakashi didn't want to talk to Snape right now, was because he felt like he was one step before uncovering Hermione's secret.

Ever since he learned that she indeed was visiting two classes at the same time, he tried to find out how she did it. He'd shadowed her for hours at a time and hadn't seen her use any sort of clone technique. Instead, sometimes, she just vanished.

Kakashi still remembered it quite vividly when she'd disappeared on him the first time. He had followed her to the girl's bathroom, and he'd been so naïve to wait outside. She didn't come back outside though. At some point, he got certain, that there was nobody in there. No noises came from the inside and he didn't smell anything but a vague scene of urine and sewer water. When he peeked inside, indeed it was empty.

It had been quite the embarrassing experience because as he'd checked every stall to make sure, that there really was no Hermione hiding anywhere, a young second-year came in. She'd screeched at him and called him a pervert. He felt a little sorry for the fifth-year Slytherin he'd disguised himself at. Next time, he'd turn into a woman for such an investigation.

In any case, it meant that he was none the wiser about what Hermione was doing. The way she'd just disappeared on him was quite frustrating too. Normally, all these witches and wizards were as inconspicuous as trampling elephants. He could often track them all the way across the castle by their heavy steps… Never mind the fact that they all were pubescent teenagers and none of them knew how to hide the scene of sweat very well. They were, mildly said, not hard to track. And yet, Hermione Granger had a way to just disappear on him without a trace. She'd done it two other times, before he decided to shadow her a little closer, especially after the classes that doubled up on her Schedule.

That was the most curious thing he noticed. At first, he'd suspected her to use a type of clone or double, that she created before the time of her double classes. But there was nothing suspicious happening at those times. However, after these particular classes, while he shadowed both Hermiones in both courses, something odd happened: One of the Hermiones would vanish, while the other just continued her day according to schedule.

It was a curious little detail. It also destroyed his idea of a clone technique. It wasn't just teleportation either, as that would explain her sudden disappearances – and reappearances – but not her taking two classes at once.

The reappearances were another odd thing. Kakashi hadn't witnessed it happening yet, but Ron commented on it often, as he was repeatedly startled by her. Normally, he wouldn't believe Ron's stories that easily. None of the wizards he'd met so far were particularly aware of their surroundings. He could startle almost all of them easily, without even trying. They just couldn't hear his regular steps or breathing sounds unless he put some real effort into trampling around. Still, Ron's complaint about her reappearances fit well to his own experiences of her disappearances.

So, something she did after one of her double classes allowed her to teleport and thus live the hour again to visit the class she'd missed?

Short of time travel there was little he could think about, that might enable this, but was that really a viable solution? Was it possible, that there was a girl in Hogwarts who was repeatedly jumping through time and space? It would be maddening… And it would add quite a headache to his already growing mountain of worries. If there was such a thing as time travel, were there other people capable of it too. Was there possible, that things he'd already done, or things he would do in the future to help Sirius could be undone by a simple jump through time?

He wanted to confirm his theory and answer his many questions and yet… There was Snape, getting in his way. So, this had to be handled first. Once he took care of Snape, Hermione would be an easy thing. She was just a girl after all. Even if he couldn't confirm his suspicions by following her around, he could just make her talk with a genjutsu…or a proper scare. He misliked this option – torturing or scaring a thirteen-year-old – but it might be the only solution in the end.

So… what would he tell Professor Snape?

The man wanted to find out about his clones, didn't he? Well, that should be easy enough. Going to the bathroom, he used a quick hand sign to create the clone and send him ahead.

Knocking at the door of the Herbology Professor, he waited for the woman to invite him inside. When Kakashi entered, Professor Sprout looked up at him. Her brows furrowed a little in worry, but her smile never faltered and her eyes were sparkling kindly.

As always, Kakashi didn't quite know what to make of her. She was such a well-meaning, kind, and good-natured woman. He was not used to such blind trust. She was also incredibly honest, so much so, that unlike with some of the other adults – unlike Snape who tried to his every thought secret yet failed when he was angry or McGonagall who generally didn't allow any emotion other than mild annoyance to grace her features – Professor Sprout was very easy to read.

That was why he was here. Surely, Dumbledore and Snape would've shared some of their concerns with his headteacher. Not everything, but a general idea of what they knew. Surely, even if she didn't know everything, she could tell him something about what he could expect once he was really proven a liar.

If he'd be kicked out of Hogwarts, he'd like to know that, before it happened.

In her slight furrowing of the eyebrows, he read both worry and a bit of distrust, but her smile was honest and bright as always. She seemed more concerned about his well-being than the fact that he might have lied about some aspects of his life.

"Charlie," she exclaimed happily, gesturing for him to sit opposite her. Her office was part of the greenhouses. There were huge windows, and one wall was milky transparent leading into Greenhouse One itself. The mixture of windows and milk glass put the office in a bright somewhat yellow-tinted light. Most of the furniture was made of heavy wood able to carry the big pots of earth and plants. Most of the time, the greenhouses smelled pleasantly of leaves and roots, but sometimes she held odd plants that ejected acid puss or sickly-sweet fumes. Thankfully, today the scent was mostly pleasant.

"I'm…" Unsure he glared at one of the big ferny plants, as he sat on a chair, that had a slight covering of earth. "I'm not sure, what to do Professor."

Her smile broadened in an encouraging way before it dimmed a little as she became more serious. "Do you want something to drink?" She asked.

The question threw him off a little. Indeed, there was a pot of steaming tea on her desk, but when he looked for the cups, he didn't find any clean ones in the cluttered office. On a shelf at the wall, he found four cups, but they all had smears and fingerprints of earth on the old china.

"No, thanks."

"Okay," she looked a little disappointed, "I want to help you. How can I help you? What is it you are unsure about?"

Running his hand through his hair, he hesitated. "I haven't been entirely honest, and I fear…If that comes out, I don't know what would happen to me."

Her curiosity was peaked now, but there was also another flash of worry. Was she truly so nice, that she'd worry more about the boy who had lied, rather than what he'd lied about? If so, that would make things much easier.

"What do you think would happen?" she asked, instead of poking right into the bee nest that was his shambled web of lies.

Kakashi shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe I'd be kicked from the school."

"You think you did something that warrants you being kicked out?" Her voice was low, and a little wobbly, as if her heart was bleeding for him. "You're just a boy. And magical, surely… I know of your great performance with Professor Flitwick. He's quite excited to have such an attentive student. So, you belong here."

It was reassuring. Of course, he wasn't magical, but at least regarding that part he could still make belief. After all, he was able to do things, they clearly believed to be magical. As long as he was magical and a teenager, he belonged to Hogwarts. Still, surely, there were rules he couldn't break without being kicked off the school. He'd heard that the gamekeeper who now lectured Care for Magical Creatures had once been expelled.

"What if I lied to the ministry?" he asked in a hushed voice.

"Then I guess, the ministry would be quite annoyed. But Hogwarts is not the ministry. They might have questions for you, but they don't get to decide who goes to Hogwarts and who doesn't. I know," she added in a reassuring voice, "that you only got into Hogwarts through the ministry, but that is of no concern. It will be the Headmaster, and only the Headmaster to decide who gets to study here and who doesn't." She looked at him with concern. "Does that help alleviated your worry?"

He nodded, though unconvinced. "I lied to Professor Dumbledore too."

Sprout chuckled then. "Oh, Charlie, nobody lies to the Headmaster, at least not without him knowing about it. I'm sure, he saw right through your lies from the start and the fact that he didn't expel you yet, should prove that he doesn't mind." She leaned over to put a hand on his shoulder. There was no falsehood in his words, and indeed, Kakashi had already suspected, that Dumbledore had never believed a word he spoke.

"So, he won't be mad?"

And indeed, from the way, Professor Sprout chuckled, she expected Dumbledore to be amused if anything.

"I'm sure, Professor Snape would be mad though," Kakashi added thoughtfully.

"I'm sure he will," Professor Sprout agreed. "Charlie. Far be it from me to say anything bad bout my colleagues, but when it comes to you, it will be the Headmaster and maybe myself to make any lasting decisions. Though I hope you won't use that to provoke him."

Kakashi shook his head. "I don't want a problem with him, but I feel he doesn't like me."

The topic was clearly uncomfortable for Professor Sprout. She would know about how Snape treated her students, and she wouldn't like it. Yet, something stopped her from taking a position against him.

The Headmaster? he wondered. Clearly, Professor Sprout respected the Headmaster a lot, the way Kakashi would only respect the Hokage. Was it the Headmaster's decision to let Snape teach despite how bad he was with children? Was that, why Sprout let his behavior pass?

"Would you like to the Headmaster yourself," she asked with a smile, that wasn't entirely honest. She was curious. Her cheeks blushed in embarrassment.

She'd be a terrible liar, Kakashi guessed.

"Or do you want to tell me what you were lying about?"

Kakashi looked at his hands, feigning guilt. "I'd like to talk to the Headmaster. I don't want to have to repeat it more than necessary."

"Of course." Without even trying to make him spill the beans, she stood and reached out for the door. "Do you want me to bring you there?"

"Yes, Professor." He was sure, he'd see Snape with the Headmaster and his clone. Professor Sprout, he decided shrewdly, would be a nice buffer between himself and Snape as he explained the clone situation.

This would be fun, he thought, already imagining Snape's baffled fury when he saw the two Charlies.