It was brought to my attention I forgot I had shared some of Zim's banishment backstory about ten chapters previously, in regard to the previous chapter. I'll be honest, I don't take bountiful amounts of notes with this fic series (learning process...) so it had completely slipped my mind. I've edited it to try and rectify that little mishap on my behalf. It's not the first time a reader has pseudo-beta read the fic and caught something I had missed, and I'm sure it won't be the last! I encourage it, I'd rather have the help to smooth out the wrinkles. Lord knows I won't ever be able to catch them all.

That said, last chapter's share-fest was mostly prompted by Zim's trigger of being called to his face 'defective'. As someone who, like most of us, has a few issues of her own that she's dealing with I can say that talking about something once rarely resolves the internal feelings on the matter. It's the main reason I didn't just scrap the chapter and redo that entire section. Even though talking it out does help a lot of the time, some things require a LOT of re-visitation. Now, I won't be doing that here because that would get too repetitive; but you can probably source some personal life experience for seeing the fact in that.

Anyway, I wanted to do something a little different this chapter. It's one I've been planning a while—been a little scared to attempt it. As my writing has improved, I've gotten more confident; but formats like this are always tricky. Also I completely missed somehow that I have two chapters with the same title? OOPS.

Hope you enjoy!

Part 47: Souls; Part 3

Zim picked at the cuff of his jacket, staring at the screen. He was reviewing old entries, contemplating making more backups. He heard Dib sketching behind him. Zim's own eyes flitted across the words that trailed down the screen for him. He ignored reviewing the dates. He didn't find them important for this purpose and he'd found them useless for review ages ago. He knew the dates well by now.

'Useless. This entire existence is useless. Shouldn't have ever tried again. It was pointless, it's all pointless. Why bother with anything. Why bother at all. Why bo-'

A large gap was between the dates. Several weeks had passed before Zim had finally started to write them again.

'Failed. That is all Zim is: a failure. Failure at being an Irken. Failure at self-termination. Failure at existence. Shameful. Entirely shameful.'

Zim contemplated deleting the older entries. There were several that were along the same lines of thought. Zim didn't like looking at the reminder of how far he'd managed to slip; yet, it also served as a reminder that he was better. He couldn't decide how he would rather feel about the events. He eyed Dib warily. He couldn't read the Irken language—though his speech concerning it had been steadily improving—and yet, Zim's paranoia was something that always beat out the logical side of his brain. He leaned back to see the sketch Dib was working on. He couldn't quite make sense of the shapes as of yet, but it appeared to be some new invention. He would have to offer making them for Dib some time.

Zim returned to the journals, skimming through each one.

'Earth has made another rotation around the sun—marking another "anniversary" of my time here. There is no point to these "anniversaries". It is a silly human concept.'

'Dib-beast wouldn't let off. He typically does not; but, he had let up for some time. A short reprieve. The persistent human followed my ship into the woods. Foolish. Idiotic. Impulsive. No point in attacking the boy, it wouldn't make it him leave if I did. He joined Zim in the trees. Full of so many questions. He was intrigued by my claws. Such a strange request. Before logic could stop, Zim was answering questions without filter. I do not know why I did it. Well, no one believes him, either way.'

'Dib came back today. I wasn't expecting him to hold his word—his attention has a habit of wandering. He was interested in biology. It's strange to have him be so zealous but so calm at the same time. It was annoying, but interesting. We've never held such a long conversation before. The idiot hadn't even picked up on antennae-speech over all these years. And so many questions. …I don't care he recorded it. There is no danger to it. There's no point hiding it. Humans can't leave the planet for too long. He will never get to use it.

So curious.

How long do humans live? Are they all this curious?'

'Nothing from Dib the remainder of the weekend and then he is being assaulted at school. The idiot. He refuses to fight back. Why does he only fight against me? He would win easily against the filth that attend that institution.

Ah, I see the irony. I kept my promise. I warned the large pig before I hit back. The Dib-stink has also shown interest in learning Irken. Doubtful he will ever be able to pronounce half the words properly with a smooth and flat tongue like his species'. I admire the effort, regardless.'

'Dib-stink can be so aggravating! So annoying; why did I wait for his sleeping cycle to end? The stupid human LAUGHED at Zim! How can humans find acts of weakness as something else? It is undeniable, is it not?

… He doesn't see me as weak.…'

'Games are surprisingly… fun. Dib-stink and the Gaz may be onto something. 'Fun'… not a strange concept to Irkens. Humans go about it differently. … What does it truly mean to have 'free' will? Have I exercised that? Should I have?

… … …

But; if I hadn't, I wouldn't have met Dib.

I'm not thinking about that.'

'He's becoming interested in Irken society. Asking about education and belief systems. I hold little interest in those things. What use is it to a Defect? Yet he kept asking. Human brains are strange. Their fiction is strange. Why fabricate a submarine that reaches the depths of the sea and not build it? So much 'imagination' and so little drive to make them reality. Perhaps humans are just strange.

This 'fiction' is a strange source of entertainment. I find it enjoyable, regardless. They're…. I do not know the words. Enthralling. That might be the word. There is nothing like this on Irk. It is a loss. This is useful.'

'I've not thought of the old environments of Irk in a very long time. It hasn't been something I cared for. Earth is…. Calm. I like the greenery. The… silence. Dib is right. Something in my PAK missed this. This is not a bad place to stay. Dib raised some interesting ideas. Evolution… I understand the purpose of it. My curiosity was peaked. It is an interesting science. Irkens do not care for it—it served its use. However…. I am interested.'

Irkens were wrong to convert Irk to all metal.'

'The lack of information on Irken venom is distressing. Lack of allies to use a cure on is the cause, likely. Manufacturing on this fast is no easy task. I've set it to synthesize.'

'Human weaponry is vile. Dib insists on assisting that filthy insect. Bullet wounds are terrible. I've had worse. But this is not something I would prefer on any day. Dib should be coming back soon.'

'I damn that security guard. No other human should be able to 'get one up' on Zim… only Dib can do that with any pride. I will be glad to have that insect out of my labs.'

'The Gaz is warming up to Zim. Her behavior is much more aligned to what I am used to. She is still rather terrifying—Irk, she is a force to be reckoned with. Dib should be grateful that she is on his side.

I have also learned that music has an accompaniment: dancing. It is odd... but not unpleasant.'

'Parents… I wonder how they're meant to be…'

'Human hospitals are primal. Such inferior machinery. Ridiculous. It's utterly ridiculous.'

'Humans are not as sturdy as Irkens. I've been told new information that I find… unsettling. Mortality. … Can I fix that? Can I prevent that end? Humans do not have PAKs.'

'I never thought I would find a species on this planet to like. With such a vile substance as water. But these fish are… relaxing. So slow to move and with such fluid movement. Perhaps I will install one of these 'aquariums' in the base. I wonder, if Irk would have liked to have this information as well.'

'Zim is surprised to find that tattooing is a shared custom between Irkens and humans. Humans do so much more recreationally, however. I like that idea.'

'These 'fireworks' are very entertaining. Explosives for the sole purpose of entertainment. Very cathartic. Being in the middle of the forestry, with no annoying humans around to disrupt us. I have ideas of moving the base. Perhaps taking up forgery is something to consider.'

'Dib asked about Irkens having souls. For a human who doesn't strictly believe in any higher power aside from the power of science and technology, it seems a rather odd question. Then went on to ask how long Irkens can live. He seemed distressed about Zim outliving him. That was not an obvious outcome, apparently, for him. He doesn't believe in souls. Zim's consciousness will not reach the Irken Empire when this body expires. It is the same. Isn't it the same? Why is he afraid of that?

Why am I angry thinking about it? No, that's not the right word… I am not angry. I don't feel anger—I know what anger feels like. I feel… trapped.'

'Why must humans have so many religions?! Can there not be just one definition for what a soul is? For what happens when humans expire?

What would have happened if Dib hadn't stopped? Why would he try that…'

'This planet is mine. I have made that clear now. The insolent aliens who tried to challenge that have since learned their lesson. Zim has lost the Voot. It sustained damage—too much to fly. Hopefully the forestry will do a better job of hiding the ship from humans this time. Retrieval will be difficult. It is a lot of parts to disassemble. Dib is acquiring transport.'

'Human government must always meddle in matters that are not their own! It is MY Voot and MY responsibility. They will not be laying a hand on this ship—this… this is MINE.

It served them right.'

'I have had to adjust my PAK. I've committed treason, perhaps. I do not feel I had a choice. The PAK's connection to the Control Brains has just proven to be an issue. I cannot risk that they see Dib as a threat. I cannot risk that they know of him as more than what he was. They are fine with Dib as an enemy. Perhaps not as an ally.

Why do they care? What purpose is my existence to them but a nuisance? Is that not what I am?

I should have done it months ago. I was foolish to think they'd never check on me. Irkens who are exiled… we don't betray the Empire often; but it is wise to keep a patrol. As Dib would say 'live and learn'. Perhaps I should have learned faster.'

'Dib has taken a shine to invention creation. Excellent! With Irken technology at his disposal, we can craft anything he dreams up. Bring his ideas into the same reality that I used to—still do. However, our time at this 'convention' of his was spoiled somewhat. That infernal "Swollen Eyeball" organization has not lost interest in him. He should not waste his time with them. He can do better.

I can feel they're watching him. Perhaps I am paranoid. 'Brandon', as he called himself, seemed too interested in seeing Dib again. I do not like it.'

Zim hummed, leaning back in his chair until it was tilting on the wheels. A PAK leg peeked out of the PAK, poised in case the chair lost grip and he started to tumble. He started logging a new entry. He focused on the fact he'd seen a car parked along Dib's street for several weeks now. It was new—a model Zim couldn't find any memory of in the PAK when he'd checked after the third week of its presence outside the house. Gaz had seemed equally wary.

"I don't think you should come by so often. At least, don't take the disguise off when you're inside." She'd said. Zim had glared at her at the time. His hostility met only with an eyeroll and a shove off his chair in the kitchen.

"Don't break anything!" Dib called from upstairs. Zim glowered at her, righting the chair instead.

"I'm serious. He had some 'recruiters' a few weeks ago and that car keeps showing up. They haven't gotten inside—the cameras don't show anything, anyway. And Dad's house security is too tight for them to get far. But, they're always there," Gaz said. She had returned her attention to the Game Slave, but Zim could see the tension in her hands. He sat back down, his claws ticking on the table.

"I'll be careful."

And he had been. Zim had taken to inviting Dib over more often, where he could close shutters on the base windows and they could find some solitude in the lower levels. He'd taken care to set the gnomes to shoot anyone who would try and break into the door. They were locked onto Dib as a friendly entity, Gaz was set similarly. He didn't want to risk that he'd shoot her with a laser—then he would be dead.

Zim paused in his typing. A thought was forming in his brain. He drummed his claws on the keyboard rest. He'd thought it before, it was one of those nagging thoughts that just wouldn't leave his head, coming back around again at any moment. Something he couldn't answer himself and yet he had to know. He slipped his gloves back on, kicking his chair to slide in next to Dib at the other table.

"Have you thought of immortality?" Zim asked. Dib hummed, thumbing through his sketchbook.

"Like what, a vampire?"

"No, dumbass, as a human. Just, with an incredibly extended life." Zim clarified. He didn't need Dib thinking he meant immortality in the 'life after death' variety. Dib snorted nonetheless at the notion.

"I'd be crippled by 200," he says, waving it off. He was so nonchalant about these things sometimes. It was aggravating.

Zim didn't respond immediately, his mind wandering to the crippled form of a two hundred year old human compared to one who wasn't even a century old. A two hundred year old human compared to himself. Zim grimaced. Comparably he was only a few years older than Dib if they were going by Earth years. Under the normal progression of human age, Dib's body would be decaying as he breathed should he happen to be able to live that long.

"Besides, humanity hasn't figured that out yet." Dib says, snapping Zim out of his stupor. His antennae shot up for a moment before laxing back down. "Our cells degrade too fast. After a certain point, they just can't produce more than the ones dying off. So, there's no practical point in theorizing about it. Not yet, anyway. Dad still hasn't figured it out, so who knows how long it'll take."

Zim furrowed his brow in a steeper grimace at the mention of Professor Membrane. He couldn't be bothered to be at home most weeks; and as such wasn't worth Zim's time. Zim knew he could teach the human a thing or two himself—show him some major flaws in his theories. But, it would raise too many questions too fast. Zim settled on doing so alongside Dib.

"Humor me, then," Zim says.

"Well, I don't know." Dib says, setting his book down and looking up to the ceiling. The cables were cast in the different array of lights, causing a cascade of different shapes in the shadows. "I mean, I've thought of it. I think everyone does. I do could a lot. I mean a lot, a lot. Just the sheer amount of time to dedicate to research would be incredible. I wouldn't ever feel like I was under a time limit. I could probably try out a lot of different things, too. I mean, everyone feels like they're always running out of time to do what they want, you know?"

Dib was rambling. Zim only nodded. He did know where Dib was going with it. Though, the nod doubled as a go-ahead for Dib to keep going, even as he didn't see Zim's nod.

"I don't think that aspect would change, unless it was a type of functional immortality. Like, you won't age, or you age really, really, really slowly and you'd die by like, a shot to the head or something. It's been explored in different media. I've seen some movies with a character like that. They always seem so alone, though."

"Unless they head someone else who was also immortal." Zim points out.

"Yeah, of course. Then they'd have a friend."

"So, if you were offered immortality, you'd take it?" Zim asks, feeling a tightness in his chest. He leaned closer to Dib while he wanted for an answer. He felt like he was starting to sweat.

"Hmmm…. Nah."

Zim fell back in the chair. His PAK leg did its job, catching on the floor and righting him. He stared at Dib disbelievingly. Watched him pick his book back up. Watched Dib just continue on like nothing. Zim's eye twitched alongside his antennae. Finally, he cracked.

"WHY?!" he screeched.

Dib had to cover his ears, dropping his book onto the desk. "Ow! The hell?!"

"Why would you turn something like that down?!"

"It's not something that's simple!" Dib says. "Firstly, people die every day, it's nothing new. It's scary for a lot of people, but it's inevitable. That's why they turn to religion—"

"We already covered that—"

"Secondly, my family would still be mortal. I'd outlive them," Dib explained.

There was a beat of silence. The word echoed in Zim's head. 'Outlive'. He would outlive him. Yes, that was true. That was the problem. That was the entire, horrible problem.

"Okay. So, if they were also immortal, you'd take the offer?" Zim asked expectantly. Dib settled back into his seat, starting to get unnerved. Zim knelt over him, watching him intently. "Dib, would you?"

"I guess? It's really the only gripe I have." Dib confessed. He set Zim back in his chair, looking at him with a mixture of concern and confusion. Zim wasn't paying attention, his mind elsewhere already.

This was good. He could work with that. It was a snag he could untangle. He leaned back in his seat, watching Dib as he went back to work on his sketchbook. Zim had ideas in mind already.

He could fix that.