Chapter 21
BLACKBIRD
"Well… did you write something new or not?" Lacey sneered as she sat down at the kitchen table with the rest of the band. "We haven't had a new song in like two weeks."
"That's because you won't let me sing another new song..." Tracey mumbled under his breath.
Addison kicked him under the table. "I've got a few already written if you'd like to look through them… maybe pick one that speaks to you?" Addison offered, trying her best to play nice for Bucky's sake.
"I highly doubt it..." She took the notebook from Addison and started to flip through it.
The sounds of a guitar being played from upfront cut through the otherwise quiet bus.
"Have you got colour in your cheeks?..."
"Oh, hell no! We're supposed to be practicing now, not him! Fucking, Zed..." She snapped as she stood up and stormed out the room.
Stacey rolled her eyes. "And they'd been doing so well lately..."
"We should probably..." Tracey motioned towards the front of the bus as Lacey started screaming. "BEFORE this gets any worse..."
They all stood up and ran towards Zed and Lacey ready to step in between them and prevent another fight.
As soon as Zed spotted Addison, he smiled and started singing again, ignoring Lacey as she continued to yell at him.
"I've dreamt about you nearly every night this week
How many secrets can you keep?
Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow
And I play it on repeat
Until I fall asleep
Spilling drinks on my settee..."
"Did you hear me?" Lacey yelled over the amplifier. "This is OUR practice time!"
Zed continued to ignore her and looked back over to Addison.
"Do I wanna know
If this feeling flows both ways?
Sad to see you go
Was sorta hoping that you'd stay
Baby, we both know
That the nights were mainly made
For saying things that you can't say tomorrow day..."
"DAMNIT ZED!" Lacey shrieked.
He flipped her off and turned up his portable amp.
"Crawling back to you
Ever thought of calling when you've had a few?
Cause I always do
Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new
Now I've thought it through
Crawling back to you..."
"YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU… I'M GOING TO FIND BUCKY!" Lacey screamed as she spun around and marched out the door.
"So have you got the guts?
Been wondering if your heart's still open
And if so, I wanna know what time it shuts..."
Lacey opened the door back up. "Are you guys coming or not!"
"Simmer down and pucker up
I'm sorry to interrupt, it's just I'm constantly on the cusp
Of trying to kiss you..."
Tracey and Stacey walked out, but Addison couldn't escape the heated look Zed was giving her as he sang.
"I don't know if you feel the same as I do
We could be together if you wanted to..."
She bit her lip and walked to the door, flipping the lock.
"Do I wanna know
If this feeling flows both ways?
Sad to see you go
Was sorta hoping that you'd stay
Baby, we both know
That the nights were mainly made
For saying things that you can't say tomorrow day..."
"You're trouble… you know that, right?"
He let out a laugh and set his guitar down before stalking over to her, pinning her against the door with his body. "How else was I supposed to get your attention? You've been avoiding me."
"I wasn't avoiding you..."
He arched his brow and smirked.
"Fine… there may have been a little avoidance. But we're supposed to be 'friends'… friends don't have hot crazy sex every other night!"
"Sometimes it's twice a night..."
She smiled and bit her lip.
"Don't bite your lip… If you do that, then I'm going to kiss you. I meant every word of what I just sang. These last few weeks have been..."
She met his eyes and bit her lip.
"I warned you..." he laced his fingers in her hair and pulled her to him, kissing her hard.
"Zed..." she breathed out as he leaned back in.
The door behind them shook.
"Damnit, Zed! OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR!"
He rolled his eyes. "Fucking Lacey..." he whispered, making her laugh. "Meet me in my bunk again tonight?"
She rolled her eyes. "No! Friends, remember?"
"ZED I SWEAR TO GOD OPEN THIS DOOR!"
He smiled and rolled his eyes. "You say the same thing every other day..."
"And I mean it!"
He stole a quick kiss. "Friends or not, I want you hosing down my curtains again… and my face."
She smacked him playfully. "You're such a perv..."
"Seriously, Adds… That shit gets hotter every fucking time."
She giggled and pulled him back to her. "How can you even be thinking of that when Lacey is outside screaming her head off?"
He bit her lower lip and smiled. "What can I say, I've got a one-track mind."
Her eyes grew wide as she pulled him in for a kiss.
"Uhoh… I know that look..."
She nodded excitedly and pushed him away. "I've got to go!"
"Can't wait to hear it..." He smacked her ass as she ran past him. He wasn't sure what they were doing, but for the first time in a long time, he was happy.
"OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR NECRODOPOLOUS!"
"Fucking, Lacey..." He shook his head and unlocked the door.
"The sex and lies, remember
Look in my eyes, surrender..."
Addison threw her head back against the kitchen cabinet and sighed. "Lacey, I'm not telling you how to sing it, but I kind of had a more… sultry flow in my head when I wrote it. Kind of like a bedroom whisper."
"Well, you're not the singer? Are you?"
Addison nodded. "You're right, and I don't want to be… I'm just saying I heard it differently in my head when I wrote it."
"Just sing it a little so she can get the idea. We've been trying to nail the sound down for over an hour. We've got to get to stage rehearsal."
"Tracey..." she warned. "I don't sing..."
"Princess..." he shot back. "Please?"
She rolled her eyes. "Fine…" she took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
"A dark night, remember
The sunrise, surrender
There isn't any other way
There isn't any other way
Hands tied, remember
It's suicide to surrender
There isn't any other way
There isn't any other way
I have a one-track mind
I have a one-track mind
There is a method to the madness, to the madness
Gotta have a one-track mind, ooh..."
She opened her eyes, only to be met with the shocked expressions of her band-mates.
"What?"
Lacey stormed out the room cursing at someone as she slammed the door of the bus.
"What the hell did I do now?"
"I have such the lady boner for you right now, Casey..." Stacey giggled as she got up and hugged her. "I'm going to go calm Lacey down."
Addison looked back at Tracey. "Seriously, why is she pissed off?"
"Because she feels threatened..." he shrugged as he stood up. "She'll get over it."
"What if she doesn't?"
"Then I guess we'll have a new singer."
"I'd be more than fine with you taking over..." she whispered.
"Yeah, I wasn't talking about me," he said pointing to her.
She could feel the panic rising in her chest. "I… I don't sing."
"Yes, you do, Addison," he smiled as he patted her head and walked out the room.
She closed her eyes and started counting backward from fifty, trying to keep her breathing calm and steady. 50...49...48...47...46...45...44...43...42...
"Three words for you, Gorgeous..."
Her eyes opened to find Zed standing in the doorway. She exhaled shakily.
"Liquid. Fucking. Sex."
"What?"
He walked further into the room. "Your voice was liquid sex... Lacey can't sing that song."
"Yeah, well she's the singer. Sooo…"
"I know she can attempt to sing it, what I'm trying to say is that she will never make that song sound the way you can. Why don't you just ask Bucky if you can have this one."
"Z..." her chest tightened up again as her breaths became shallow. "I… I can't… I just..." she closed her eyes and started counting backward again. 41...40...39...38...37...
"Hey..."
36...35...34...
She felt his hand brush across her cheek.
"You okay?"
33...32...31…
She needed a distraction to keep herself from having a full panic attack. She opened her eyes again to find him standing in front of her."Is anyone else on the bus?"
He shook his head and gave her a crooked smile. "No… what are you up to?"
"Bathroom. NOW."
"You were on fucking fire on stage tonight..." he whispered with peppered kisses against her over-heated, sweaty skin as they stole a few minutes alone on the rooftop between sets. "I hate hearing your songs coming out of her mouth, but goddamn do you come alive when you play them..."
She was pinned against the cold steel of the door, her legs wrapped around his waist as he ground against her.
"Z… you have to get on stage..." she panted, still pulling him into her further.
He kissed her hard, refusing to put her down. "Meet me back up here, after?"
"You've already fucked me six ways to Saskatchewan just in the last twenty-four hours..." she giggled.
"Is that a 'no'?"
She ran her tongue along his name on her lower lip and smiled as she unwrapped her legs and found her footing. "It's a 'we'll see'..."
He laughed and pulled her back into him, kissing her as he smiled. "That's a surprising deviation from the usual 'We're just friends' line you always give me."
She playfully pushed him away and opened the door for him. "Go… before they take the stage without you… or someone comes looking."
He threw her a wink and walked back inside.
She closed the door and leaned back against it, smiling as the cold night air blew around her. She knew she should be sticking to their 'just friends' promise, but she couldn't help it… Despite everything he put her through, she felt lighter when she was with him.
Her phone started to buzz in her pocket. She pulled it out and looked at the calendar reminder that flashed across the screen. Her world suddenly crumbling down once again.
.
She sat on the floor of the Presidential Suite of the Ritz Carlton in front of the wet bar, pouring tequila into one of the crystal glasses up to the brim. She downed it in one long gulp before throwing the glass as hard as she possibly could against the wall, shattering it into a hundred pieces. She grabbed another glass and poured as her phone sitting beside her restarted the song she had playing on repeat.
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise…."
As another glass crashed against the wall, she lit a cigarette and laid down on the ground, letting the lyrics wash over her.
"I fell in love with the devil (dig deep, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh)
It's killing me…." Addison stepped away from the microphone and removed her headphones. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
"It's still missing something…" her father's voice sounded throughout the booth. "Let's take it again from the first chorus, Sweet-pea."
"Daddy! I need a break!" she snapped. "I've sung this song fifteen times, and each time feels like I'm driving a knife further into my heart!"
Dale looked at his daughter through the glass divider. "I know, kiddo. But...the only way to get over it is to sing through it. You wrote a damn good song. Now we just need to get that emotion on tape...Once more from the first chorus."
"Fine!" She put the headphones back on and stepped up to the microphone again as the backing track started up once more.
"But I-I-I-I-I can't stop the rush
And I-I-I-I-I can't give you up
No I-I-I-I-I, know you're no good for me
You're no good for me
I fell in love with the devil
And now I'm in trouble
I fell in love with the devil
I'm underneath his spell (ah)
Someone send me an angel
To lend me a halo
I fell in love with the devil
Please, save me from this hell (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Got me playing with fire
Baby, hand me the lighter
Tastes just like danger
Chaotic anger
But I-I-I-I-I can't stop the rush
And I-I-I-I-I can't give you up
No I-I-I-I-I, know you're no good for me
You're no good for me
I fell in love with the devil
And now I'm in trouble
I fell in love with the devil
I'm underneath his spell (ah)
Someone send me an angel
To lend me a halo
I fell in love with the devil
Please, save me from this hell (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Angels and devils always fight over me
Take me to heaven, wake me up from this dream
Even in sunlight a cloud shadows over me
It's now or never, wake me up from this dream
Dig deep, sink, sink, fear (ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh)
Dig deep, it's killing me
I fell in love with the devil (dig deep, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh)
And now I'm in trouble (sink, sink, fear, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh)
I fell in love with the devil (dig deep, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh)
It's killing me…."
Addison wiped tears away from her face, unaware that she had even started crying. Her dad's voice filled the room once more.
"We've got it!"
She rolled her eyes. "We better. I need a fucking break before I sing that again..."
"I know...why don't you come back in hear and help me mix."
She shook her head and took off the headphones, walking into the main room. "I need a break, Daddy," she sighed, wiping her eyes again and flopping down on one of the plush sofas, resting her head against Mason's shoulder and closing her eyes.
"Adds..." he said quietly.
"Don't."
"Every song you've written for this album so far..."
She sat up and glared at him. "Please don't start with this shit again, Mason… I tried to reach out to him after..." she took a shaky breath before standing up abruptly. "I can't do this right now..."
"All I'm saying is..."
They were distracted from their almost daily argument by the sound of Dale coughing loudly and persistently.
"Daddy? You okay?"
He nodded his head as he stood up, pulling a blood-covered hand away from his mouth. Addison gasped and ran to his side just as he collapsed into her arms.
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free"
"Cancer cells have a higher metabolic rate than noncancerous cells. Because of this high level of chemical activity, cancer cells show up as bright spots on PET scans..."
The words blended together as she looked at the images in front of them.
"Is that supposed to light up like a Christmas tree?" she asked quietly, gripping her father's hand tighter as he lay in the hospital bed.
"Unfortunately, no."
Dale took a deep breath, making him cough.
"In stage IV, the cancer has metastasized, or spread beyond its original location into other areas of the body… like the lungs."
"How long?" Dale asked.
"Daddy! Don't think like that!"
He looked up at her. "Addie, I'm being realistic. Please."
She closed her eyes and exhaled, calming herself down. "Fine..." She looked over to the doctor waiting for his answer.
"The five-year survival rate is about 6%."
"How. Long."
"If we start treatments immediately...anywhere from 6-24 months."
zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
"Bucky..." she whispered, holding the phone in a shaky hand as she leaned against the wall of the hospital hallway.
"Addison? What's wrong? Are you in trouble?"
She sniffed and wiped away the tears that had started to fall. "No. I'm not in trouble..."
The line was silent for a few moments. "Ok… then what's going on. You never call."
"… It's Daddy..."
Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night
"I'm going to grab something from the cafeteria," Bucky said as he stood up and stretched. "Want anything?"
"I would kill for a snickers bar," Dale laughed.
Addison shook her head. "Yeah, I don't think so. That last time you ate during a chemo session it didn't end well. If you're feeling alright after that bag is finished, we'll see about food."
He stuck his tongue out at her. "Buzzkill."
"Yup." She turned to look at Bucky. "Can you grab me a coffee?"
"Sure thing, Addie-loo," he whispered as he leaned down and kissed the top of her head.
She playfully pushed him away. "Ugh… don't call me that."
"Now, now, children… behave."
"Yes, Daddy..." Addison replied with a heavy high roll as Bucky walked off. She looked back down to her notebook and let out a frustrated sigh.
"Come up with anything good?"
"Not really," she said as she scratched out a few lines.
"Maybe I can help..."
"Daddy, you don't have to do that. I don't want you working right now."
He let out a soft laugh. "Sweet Pea, I'm stuck in this chair while I have deadly chemicals pumped into my body… Helping you write a song isn't work, it's a distraction."
She shook her head and smiled. "Whatever you say," she whispered, sliding her notebook over to him.
"Oh, no. I'm a producer, I need to hear it."
She looked around the room.
"Don't worry about them. Consider them a captive audience."
Rolling her eyes she took the notebook back from him and sat up a little straighter.
"Oh, there isn't one thing left you could say
I'm sorry it's too late
I'm breaking free from these memories
Gotta let it go, just let it go
I've said goodbye
Set it all on fire
Gotta let it go, just let it go..."
"You had to get another line about fire in there, didn't you," he teased with a wink.
She shrugged her shoulders. "Don't know what you're talking about, Daddy..."
"...Riiiiight…" he laughed. "It's a good start… What if we made it a duet?"
"I think the drugs are officially going to your head," she laughed, nodding towards the bag hanging from the IV stand.
"Ha. Ha. Ha. I might have chemo-brain, but I'm still good at my job."
"This is true..."
"Speaking of being good at my job… what would you think about having Bartholomew manage you?"
She stared at him, mouth open for a moment. "First you let Mason help behind the board, and now you want Bucky to be my manager? Now I know the drugs are going to your head!"
"Hear me out. He's been doing a great job helping me with the other artists. He doesn't have the ear to be a producer like Mason does, but the kid has a head for business, and he's showing a real knack for the industry."
"Shouldn't he be like, carrying out hits? Or learning how to launder money?"
"Addison… You know he doesn't want that kind of life. He's been there for this family through everything. He loves you. He will always watch out for you and put your best interests first."
"Does he even WANT to be a manager?" she asked skeptically.
"He's the one who asked me."
Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night
.
"He kissed my lips
I tasted your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself
Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay"
"Ugh," Mason said from the other side of the booth. "Another heartbreak ballad? Really? Shouldn't you throw in SOME variety?"
She flipped him off and grabbed her guitar as she stepped back up to the microphone. "You want variety, fine…." She put on a fake smile and began to strum out an upbeat tempo.
"Now, I want you to stop insisting that I'm not a lost cause
'Cause I've been through a lot
Really all I've got is just to stay pissed off
If it's all right by you...
Just let me cry a little bit longer
I ain't gon' smile if I don't want to
Hey man, we all can't be like you
I wish we were all rose-colored too
My rose-colored boy…"
She smiled even wider, showing her teeth and batting her eyelashes before raising her finger and flipping him off again.
"Ha. Ha. Ha." Mason replied over the intercom. "Bash me all you want… At least it was different."
She rolled her eyes as she took her headphones off and walked into the mixing room. "So… when did you get here... and where is my Dad?" She looked at him a little longer, "And why are your eyes so dilated..."
"I was exhausted so I took a bump."
"Mason..."
"Yeah, I know. Spare me the lecture. Anyway, I got here just as you were starting the take. Daddy Dale asked me to take over for a minute...said he wasn't feeling well."
"Shit!" Addison ran down the hall, throwing open the door to her father's room. "Daddy?!" She could hear him throwing up from the en suite. She rushed over and opened the door. "Oh my god! Are you okay?!"
"Addison, get out. I'm fine," he croaked out before collapsing back down.
She ignored him and carefully walked over, avoiding the mess on the floor.
"Addis..." he tried to protest, but dry heaved again.
She wet a washcloth and placed it on his neck, smoothing his hair back from his forehead before starting to clean up.
Dale sighed and rested his head against the wall. "You shouldn't have to be doing this, Sweet-pea."
Addison rolled her eyes. "Daddy, I told you... quit being stubborn and let me take care of you… And I swear if you apologize for being sick again..." she stepped over to the shower and turned it on. "Let's just get you cleaned up, okay?"
After helping him shower and get dressed, Addison changed her clothes and made her way downstairs to where Mason and her father were watching television.
"Daddy?" she said nervously. "I just invited Bree over."
He turned to look at her. "Bree is always welcome, Sweet-pea. You know that."
She nodded her head. "Yeah, but I asked her over for a specific reason…"
"And what would that be?"
"Because Bree has a medical marijuana prescription."
Dale sighed and threw his head back against the couch. "For the last time, Addison. I don't need it."
"Daddy, you haven't kept anything down in months! You're in pain all the time! I'm not going to just sit around and watch you get worse! If there's even the smallest of chances that smoking pot will help with the nausea and reduce your pain, why the hell not go for it?!" She yelled, wiping the tears away from her eyes as they fell.
He stood up and hugged her. "You're right… I'll give it try."
She sniffled against his shirt. "Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"Why are we waiting for Bree? I have some in my car," Mason called over.
She flipped him off again. "Because lord only knows what yours is laced with. Now be quiet and put Sponge Bob back on."
zzzzzzzzzzzzz
"You seem to know how to do that a little too well, Sweet-Pea..." Dale said as she rolled and lit the joint for him.
"Don't know what you're talking about Daddy!"
He arched his brow at her.
"Don't give me that look. Just take a puff and hold it in."
"Then don't bullshit me."
"Fine… I may have smoked once."
"Bullshit," Mason said under his breath as he walked over to the refrigerator, helping himself to a soda.
"What was that, Mason?" Dale asked as he exhaled.
"Oh, I was just saying she's full of shit. We've been smoking since we were fourteen."
"MASON!"
"Fourteen?!"
"Daddy… don't get worked up…"
"I'm in my fifties and I've never smoked… and I'm in the music industry!"
"You might not have smoked, but you've definitely been high," Mason laughed.
"MASON!"
"What?"
"Yeah, what?!" Dale asked looking between the three of them.
"Well, you remember when you ate like half the pan of brownies Bree had made for Ze…." Mason caught himself before he finished saying the name. "Well yeah… Those were um...pot brownies."
Addison threw her hands up in the air and groaned. "Any more word vomit, Mase?"
"Nope… I mean the only other secrets we've kept that long are the piercings and tattoos… OH! And that time you went to re..."
Bree smacked her hand over his mouth and shot him a death glare. "I swear I'm going to drown you in the Pacific and make it look like an accident..." she whispered.
He pushed her hand away. "Not my fault! I'm majorly high right now!"
"Let's go get tattoos."
They were all stunned into silence.
Addison tilted her head and gave her father an odd look. "What?"
"I've always wanted one… We should go get tattoos," Dale said with a look of determination on his face.
"Who are you and what have you done with my Daddy? Mason just told you… Aren't you going to yell at me? Or lecture me? Or at least give me that disapproving Dad look you've perfected over the years?"
"Nope. I'm too tired and you're an adult."
"Wow, Adds… Who would have guessed your Dad would be totally cool with you having like eleven piercings and three tattoos!"
"Eleven?! Where would you even have eleven places to pierce?"
"So! Daddy, what were you saying about wanting a tattoo?" She asked anxiously, trying to direct his attention elsewhere.
Dale shook his head. "You really have three?"
She nodded her head and shrugged. "You can never just have one."
"That's potato chips, Sweet-Pea..."
"That's what I said!"
"Boy, you better shut your mouth! You're on my list right now!" Bree warned.
"So….I'm guessing you know a good place to go then?" Dale asked Addison, ignoring the other two.
"I do… but you're not going." Addison said as she pulled out her phone.
"Why not?"
"You're not leaving the house."
"And why not?"
"Um...cancer? chemo? The fact that you have zero immune system at the moment? I mean, take your pick, Daddy…" She cracked a small smile, "But if you are certain you want a tattoo… who am I to stop you… I can have someone come to the house…. At least then I can limit your exposure."
"You're awfully responsible for someone who's high… Is she usually like this?" Dale asked Mason and Bree with a chuckle.
"Unless she's drinking vodka."
Addison rolled her eyes. "I only took one puff… my tolerance is considerably higher than that. Besides," she looked between Mason and her father and shook her head, "someone needs to be responsible right now."
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
Addison sat watching her father sleep. Silently counting his breaths.
"Adds..." Bucky called quietly from the bedroom door. "We've got to get going… Mason's already there."
"I'm not going," she whispered, not taking her eyes off her father. "I'm not leaving him alone."
Bucky walked into the room and knelt beside her. "We've got two nurses in the house at all times… he won't be alone… Addison, you need to perform at the showcase tonight… It's important! Your entire career depends on what the execs think of the album so far!"
"Bucky! I don't give a shit about my career right now! I can deal with it all...after…" she whisper yelled, as she wiped at her eyes. "You heard the doctors. So for the last time… I am not going anywhere! I'm staying right here. End of discussion!"
"Listen to your manager Sweet-Pea," Dale rasped out from his bed.
Addison's head snapped over to his direction. "Oh, Daddy, I didn't mean to wake you!" her voice heavy with emotion.
He tried to sit up but struggled. Addison and Bucky were by his side instantly, helping him. Addison propped a pillow under him and Bucky picked up a glass of water for him to sip from.
He took a small sip and looked over to Addison. "Don't be stubborn."
She let out a soft laugh. "I don't know how else to be. I get it from you."
He weakly raised his hand and touched her cheek. "You were born to perform. You have to go."
"But, I..." a tear rolled down her face. "I need you with me."
"I'll always be with you… you're the love of my life."
She smiled through her tears and hugged him carefully. "I love you, Daddy."
"I love you, too, Sweet-pea." He leaned his head against hers as he looked over to Bucky. "Take care of her, son..."
Bucky wiped at his own eyes. "I will." He leaned down and hugged them both. "Come on, Addie-loo..."
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
"Hey, Adds," Mason said hugging her as she walked into the dressing room backstage. "How's Daddy Dale?"
She gave him a tight smile. "Not good, Mase. Even since you saw him a few days ago… He's lost so much more weight… I can practically lift him," she said in a whisper.
"Damn."
"Yeah..." she quickly dabbed at her eyes to stop the tears from falling and ruining her eye makeup any more than it already was. "Dr. Collins and Dr. Hunter came by the house yesterday…" her voice trailed off.
"What'd they say?"
"Oh, Mase..." she threw her arms around him and buried her face into his neck.
"Shhh…. it's okay…." he whispered, smoothing her hair.
"No… it's not… they said at this rate of decline..." she couldn't stop the tears from falling any longer. "It could be any day now."
Mason's hand stilled on her hair. "Addison..." he whispered, his own voice cracking.
"I know..." she pulled back and wiped her eyes. "But… he was lucid enough to insist I come tonight, so… that's a good sign… right?"
He nodded his head and cracked a small smile. "I'd think so."
Addison took a deep breath and forced a smile. "How do I look?"
"Beautiful… like always… maybe a little more punk rock with the smeared eyeliner, but… it works."
She hugged him again. "Thanks, Mase..."
"You know I'd do anything for you." He placed a soft kiss on the top of her head.
"Come on you two…" Bucky said as he walked up to them. "Showtime."
zzzzzzzzzzzz
Addison looked behind her to where Mason was sitting behind his drum kit. He gave her a large smile and an encouraging nod. She closed her eyes and exhaled before turning back towards the audience. Bucky was right. She needed to be here tonight. She opened her eyes and let the spotlight soak into her soul.
"Love's my religion but he was my faith
Something so sacred so hard to replace
Fallin' for him was like fallin' from grace…
All wrapped in one he was so many sins
Would have done anything, everything for him
And if you ask me I would do it again..."
As she sang, she could feel the tension leaving her body.
"No need to imagine
'Cause I know it's true
They say "all good boys go to heaven"
But bad boys bring heaven to you
I still remember the moment we met
The touch that he planted
The garden he left
I guess the rain was just half that effect
No need to imagine
'Cause I know it's true
They say "all good boys go to heaven"
But bad boys bring heaven to you
It's automatic
It's just what they do
They say "all good boys go to heaven"
But bad boys bring heaven to you
Ooh
Ooh
Ooh"
She smiled as the executives around her broke out into applause. This was what she was meant to do. It didn't matter what was going on in her life. As long as she could perform, everything would be fine.
"Thank you for having me here tonight to play a little of what I've been working on," she said into the microphone with a large smile. "This next song..." A movement from the side of the stage caught her eye. She glanced over to see Bucky on his knees, clutching his phone to his chest.
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Addison knelt on the cold ground as she placed a bouquet of sweet-pea flowers next to the marble placard bearing her father's name. Her fingers traced the fresh engraving. "What am I supposed to do, Bucky?" she whispered through her tears.
He ran a hand through her long blond hair and held her as close as he could.
"First, you're going to get off the ground. Those are $1500 slacks you're muddying up, not to mention the $700 heals."
They both turned around suddenly.
"Mother...What are you doing here? This is for family only."
"Addison, my ex-husband and the father of my only child just passed away… This is no time to be hostile."
"You're more than welcome to attend the public memorial service scheduled next week. I'm sure there will be enough media there to accomplish whatever it is you're trying to do." Bucky told her as he helped Addison up to her feet.
Missy ignored him and walked closer to the plot. "Believe it or not, I did love your father."
"Mother!" Addison snapped. "You don't get to be here! Ever!"
"Oh, you're not still upset with me? Are you? I would have thought you got your anger out when you burned my house down."
"Hey!" Bucky interjected. "There is no proof that she did that."
"Not still upset?! NOT STILL UPSET?!"
Bucky grabbed onto her arm. "Sis… she's not worth the jail time or the press coverage."
Addison took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "I can not do this right now, Mother. I just lost my Daddy...I can't...I won't have this conversation with you right now. Not standing where we are… You have no right to be here...Please leave before I have security escort you off the premises."
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Bucky and Mason sat on either side of her holding her hands as they listened to artist after artist describe what it was like to know and work with the legend that was Dale Donnelly until it was Addison's turn.
"Are you sure you're up for this?" Bucky whispered before she stepped out on stage.
"I'm sure..."
He nodded and kissed the top of her head. "Alright then… Knock 'em out, Addie-loo."
"Thanks, B..." She picked up her guitar and walked onto the stage. When her eyes adjusted to the spotlight, she looked around at all the faces that had come out to celebrate the life of her father. It was staggering just how many people he had touched. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
"What more can be said about my father than what has already been said? So… instead of regaling you with tales of him tucking me in and reading me a bedtime story while many of you were pulling an all-nighter in the studio below my bedroom, or of the time he rushed out of the Grammy's early because I had a dance recital… I'm going to sing the song he sang to me every night before I closed my eyes..."
Her fingers began to strum out a delicate melody.
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird, fly….Blackbird….fly…..Into….the...li…."
Everything around her started to blur.
"of… the..."
She couldn't breathe. The room started to spin. Then there was darkness.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
"How are you feeling?" Mason whispered as he ran his hand through her matted hair.
She slowly sat up and looked around. "How did..."
He shook his head and lightly pushed her back down. "Doctor said it was a panic attack and that you need to rest."
She flipped him off and sat up. "Where's Bucky?"
"He left to bring Bree home a little bit ago. Said he was going to do some media damage control as well."
"So he'll be gone for a while?"
"Sounds like it."
She nodded and stood up. "Good..." She walked over to her closet and went straight towards the safe.
"What are you doing?"
She ignored him and pressed in her code.
When he saw what she had pulled out, he sat down on the ground next to her. "Addison…."
"Mase… Spare me the lecture… I don't want to feel anything right now."
"Why do you even have any of this anymore?"
She sighed and stood up, walking back into her room and sitting on her bed. "It's what I had here before Paris." She quickly got to work dumping the white powder onto a small mirror.
"Adds… are you sure? Bucky will kill you if he ever finds out."
She looked up and met his eyes. "I'm counting on that."
"Well, I'm not letting you do it by yourself… Cut another line."
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
She flipped her hair back up and looked into the mirror, examining the home dye job more closely. Not perfect, but it would do. Nobody from the press or anyone she knew would be looking for dark hair. She walked back into her room where Mason was sound asleep in a tangle of still sweaty sheets.
"Please forgive me… one day..." she whispered as she picked up two heavy suitcases.
As she drove along the coast, her phone started to vibrate. Bucky, Bree, Mason… all on a constant, incessant loop. She pulled over along the side of the highway and got out of the car. She stared at the moon's reflection over the Pacific. Without a second thought, she threw her phone as hard and as far as she could into the dark water below.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: So… More pieces of the past revealed and a couple more mysteries thrown into the mix.
This chapter was extremely difficult for me to write, but I feel like I had to do it at some point.
I started writing as a form of therapy to help me after my dad passed away from cancer.
When I started On The Edge, I knew that this chapter would be included. It was actually mostly written before I started on Chapter 2. I briefly touched on the loss of a parent and the grief associated with it in Our Year/Watch Us Shine, but with this story being a bit grittier, I felt like I could write more of my personal experience into it. Watching a parent fight, suffer, and lose their battle with cancer is absolute hell. If anyone has had to go through it, I am so sorry and I'm here if you need to talk or vent.
SONGS USED IN THIS CHAPTER
(Yes, I know there were A LOT)
-Do I Wanna Know: Artic Monkeys
-One Track Mind: Thirty Seconds To Mars
-Fell In Love With The Devil: Avril Lavigne
-Let Me Go: Avril Lavigne
-Thinking of You: Katie Perry
-Rose Colored Boy: Paramore
-Heaven: Julia Michaels
-Black Bird: The Beatles