On The Edge

Chapter 38

MAD

"Oh shit!" Zed called out falling off the piano bench with Addison. "Bucky! I swear this isn't what it looks like!"

"Save it Zed...In here, now! Both of you!"

Addison laughed as she stood up."What happened to 'I don't give a fuck'?"

Zed looked up at Addison who was just standing there tapping her foot and glaring at their manager. "Why is Bucky here and why aren't you freaking out?"

"Because I'm debating on whether or not I'm going to kick his ass for interrupting. I was really enjoying myself."

"Gross… I heard that," Bucky said over the intercom.

"Good! What are you doing back already?"

"I felt guilty for leaving you alone and came back to check on you. How about you tell me why the hell Zed is here?"

"I don't have to. It's my house." She rolled her eyes again and helped Zed to his feet. Just for good measure, she pulled him in for a searing kiss.

"Adds..." Zed warned as he pulled back. "What are you doing? We're already in enough trouble."

She smiled wickedly. "Exactly."

Before she could pull him back down to her, Bucky threw open the sound booth door.

"It's bad enough he's here, but why the fuck did he just call you Adds?!"

"Um...because it's a shortened version of my name?"

"No...in no world is Adds short for Casey! Damn it! I asked you to follow two simple rules on this tour and you just violated both of them in typical over the top Addison fashion!"

"Can we just drop the act for five fucking minutes?" she yelled. "It's been a long day and I'm too damn tired for this shit. I didn't break your stupid name rule. He already knew it the second he saw me on the bus that first day. Hell, we've had each other's names tattooed on us since senior year of high school!"

"Wait...what?" Bucky asked in a murderously low tone, glaring at Zed as he walked closer to them.

Addison gasped, suddenly realizing what she said. "Oh shit! Um...Zed...run!"

"What?"

Before Addison could explain, Bucky swung and landed a hard punch to his face, sending him to the ground instantly.

"Oh my God!" Addison dropped to her knees and helped Zed sit up. "Are you okay?"

Zed shook his head. "Jesus...Why do I always end up getting punched in the face?"

Addison gently kissed his already swelling cheek before turning on Bucky. "What the fuck, Bartholomew!"

"Wait..." Zed said as he slowly stood up. "Bartholomew? As in your step-brother?! Bucky is your step-brother?!"

"After everything that happened, Addison? How can you even stand to be in the same room as him?! Why didn't you tell me the second you saw him? I would have never brought you onto the tour if I had known!"

"You needed this tour," she said calmly.

"Not at the risk of you! You're the only family I even remotely care about! Christ, Addie...you almost died because of him!"

"What?!"

Addison closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose as she took a deep calming breath. "I think maybe the three of us need to go somewhere else and have this conversation. I do not want to do this in Daddy's studio."

"Addie, Gorgeous, what is he talking about?"

"Don't talk to her! I don't want you anywhere near her! In fact, you're off the fucking tour! I don't care how pissed Eliza gets with me! Even if it means we break up!"

"Wait, what? You and E?"

"Damnit Bucky! Stop!" Addison yelled. "I love him!"

"How can you say that after everything he put you through?"

"Because it wasn't his fault! It was my mother the whole time! The cheating, the letter, she set it all up!"

"And Penny? Did you somehow forget about her? Because I sure the fuck haven't! I'm the one that..."

"Stop!" she yelled, cutting him off. "He doesn't know, okay!"

Bucky was stunned into silence. "...You never told him?"

"Told me what? What the hell is going on here?" Zed asked, still trying to wrap his head around everything.

"I told you, to keep your fucking mouth shut!" Bucky yelled at him before turning back to Addison. "I am so glad Dad isn't around to see this. He'd be so fucking disappointed in you.

She slapped him hard across the face. "How fucking dare you!"

Bucky grabbed her wrist roughly and shoved her away. "After everything that we..."

"Keep your hands off of her!" Zed growled as he lunged and tackled Bucky to the ground throwing his weight and muscle into a punch.

The two of them became a web of arms and legs straining to gain purchase as they threw punches, rolling across the studio floor.

"What the fuck did you two idiots do?"

Bucky looked up at the sound of Eliza's voice, distracting himself just long enough for Zed to land another punch.

"Damnit! Stop!" she yelled, storming over to physically break them apart. "Grow the fuck up and act like fucking adults!"

"But he's…"

Eliza held her hand up, cutting Bucky off. "Dating your sister? Yeah, we all know."

"WHAT?!"

"She's an adult, and he makes her happy. Get the fuck over it!"

"But… But…"

She held her hand up again.

"He grabbed her and pushed her!" Zed seethed.

Eliza looked back at her boyfriend, horrified. She smacked him upside the head. "The fuck? Bucky?"

"I wasn't trying to hurt her! I was trying to keep her from hitting me again! A slap I can handle, but she packs a mean fucking punch!"

Eliza pinched the bridge of her nose. "I swear to god…"

"And it's not the fact that they're together now," he continued. "I mean, it is… but more importantly it's the fact that he's her fucking boyfriend from high school!"

She gasped and looked between the two of them. "Z?"

He nodded his head. "Yeah… we dated junior and senior year."

"That means she… you… oh fuck…" she dropped her head in her hands as all the pieces fell into place. "No wonder she ran off…"

"What do you mean, ran off?"

"I mean, she came running down the stairs, crying. Grabbed her keys and left."

"Shit!" Zed yelled as he scrambled to his feet and ran out the door.

Bucky was right behind him, running down the stairs. "Fuck! She's not answering her phone."

"Of course she's not…" He grabbed his leather jacket from the back of the sofa and headed towards the garage.

"Where are you going?"

Zed grabbed the keys to his motorcycle off the hook.

"Z, stop!" Eliza said running in after him. "She obviously wants to be alone."

"I promised I would always be there for her. I need to go!"

"Oh, like you know where she's going?" Bucky snapped. "The last time she did this, no could find her for months!"

"Of course I fucking know where she's going!"

"Will you two stop?!" Eliza screamed making both men look at her. "Both of you get your asses into the kitchen, now!"

"But I have to…"

She held her hand up, cutting Zed off. "You are NOT going after her looking like that! Clean up, calm down, and THEN you can go find her. I don't need you dying in a fucking motorcycle accident because you rushed off like this!" She turned to Bucky. "And you!" she shook her finger at him, still furious. "Just get in there!"

Zed shook his head and kicked his motorcycle to a start. "I'm sorry, E. I love you like family, but she's my heart and the blood running through my veins. I'm not losing her again."

Addison pulled over onto the familiar overlook, high in the Hollywood Hills, and cut the engine. She hadn't had a destination in mind when she ran out of the house, but somehow she had ended up here. She shook her head in disbelief. It was only a matter of time until he found her here. She grabbed her cigarettes and opened the door, stepping out into the cool night. She sat on the hood of her car and lit up. As she exhaled, she laid back and stared into the star-filled sky.

"Everything I run from has caught up to me…" she sang softly as she exhaled, watching the smoke slowly dissipate. She could already hear the roar of Zed's motorcycle closing in.

"I keep crying out for help… I've been talking to myself. I can feel it slip away...It's driving me insane... I think I'm going mad. There's a war inside my head…" The headlight from his bike illuminated the night around her.

"My mind is a wasteland. I'm trying to make sense. No, I just can't take it no more...I think I'm going mad…"

A deafening silence filled the air as he cut the engine. She took a deep breath, bracing herself.

"Hey…" he said softly as he approached her car.

"You can tell Bucky I didn't disappear… I just needed space to think."

"I don't give a shit what Bucky thinks. I'm here for you."

She snickered and wiped at her eyes, not realizing she had started to cry again. She took a long drag on her cigarette. "I'm fine. I always am."

"Stop. I know what you're doing. I love you too much to let you try and push me away…" he said as he sat down next to her on the hood of her car.

"You're lucky I hate this car and don't give a shit if your ass dents the hood."

He shook with silent laughter, leaning over and swiping her cigarette to take a drag. "So… Bucky's your step-brother?"

"Yup…"

"That explains so fucking much…" he sighed as he laid down. "All the signs were there."

"How so?"

He passed her back her cigarette and chuckled. "Hmm… let's see… Him being extraordinarily protective of you, you yelling at him in Italian that one night, you saying he decided to go in a more 'managerial' direction, your dad picking him as your manager…"

"Well, when you put it that way… Yeah, it seems a bit obvious," she said dryly.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Originally, because he asked me not to. But at this point, I don't even know…" She shook her head, suddenly furious with him again. "Fucking Bucky… if he thinks he's getting a Bamm! Executive card after what he just did, he can fuck right off."

"Speaking of what just happened… Care to tell me what the hell he was talking about?"

"Not really."

He sighed and ran his hands through his hair as he stared up at the stars. "Adds… he said you almost died because of me… and who the hell is Penny?"

She flinched at the sound of him saying her name. "...Z…" her voice trembled. "I can't… I told you, there are just some things I'm not ready to talk about..."

He looked over to her and watched as her fingers started to move quickly, strumming to a song no one else could hear. His heart broke, knowing it was her way of trying to cope with something she could barely handle, escaping into the music. "Whatever it is, you don't have to deal with it alone anymore."

She finally looked over to him. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. "But I just got you back...and now… once I tell you…"

"Gorgeous, please don't cry," he whispered as he pulled her into him, stilling her hands.

"I'm scared that once I tell you everything I'm going to lose you again."

"Addison, I love you. There is nothing you could tell me that would change my mind."

"You say that now," she whispered before letting out a heavy sigh. "I don't know where to start..."

"Then let's start from the very beginning. It's a very good place to start."

Addison looked at him and rolled her eyes before cracking a small, sad smile. "Any more Sound of Music Quotes?"

"I think I've met my quota for the night."

"Good." She was silent again, debating how to begin. "Fuck it... I'm going with the band-aid method," she said taking a deep breath. "Do you remember the afternoon of your going away party when you got to my house and I was crying in the bathroom?"

"Yeah..."

"You thought I was crying because you were leaving the next day."

"You weren't?"

She shook her head. "No…" she closed her eyes and took another deep breath. She had kept this from him for so long, but once she said the words, there was no going back. With one sentence she could lose him forever. "...I had just found out I was pregnant."

"WHAT?!"

She flinched at his sudden reaction, fearing what he would do next.

"How? When? We always..."

She exhaled slowly, trying to remain calm as she shook her head. "Mason's birthday party..."

He sighed and closed his eyes. "The only time we didn't use protection…"

She nodded sadly. "It only takes once… That's why I was crying when you came upstairs to get me, why I was so anxious at the party, and wasn't drinking."

He cradled her face and wiped away her tears. "I had no idea..."

"That's also why I probably overreacted when I walked in on you passed out next to that actress my mother hired."

"I swear nothing happened."

"I know...I believe you."

His thumb traced the path of her tears. "Why didn't you tell me that you were pregnant?"

"I didn't want to tell you at the party. I was going to tell you the next day, but then by that point..."

"You thought I had cheated on you."

"Yeah."

"And then I left."

"Yeah..."

He kissed her softly. "I'm so sorry, Baby."

"It's not your fault... I should have told you the second those two stupid lines showed up," she buried her face into his chest and let out a loud sob. The relief of finally telling him, suddenly overwhelming her. "I should have tried harder to get out of there and find a way to call you," she said as her tears continued to fall.

"It is my fault. I should never have fucking left…Wait..." he sat them up and wiped her cheeks with his thumbs as he looked her in the eyes, "… what do you mean get out of there? What happened?"

"My mother happened. I was on the phone with Bree that next morning… I was in a full panic… I thought you had cheated on me, you were leaving for New York that day, and I was pregnant…" her voice grew quieter. "She came home early. She knew about the party… she also knew about the pregnancy… She had these two huge guys pull me out of the house… They brought me to some horrible sanitarium run by these sadistic fucking nuns out in the middle of fucking nowhere… It was hell..."

"That fucking bitch..." he growled menacingly.

"Nobody knew I was there... nearly five months..." she wiped away a tear angrily. "I thought I was hallucinating when I heard Bucky's voice screaming for me… He and Daddy somehow found me…Bucky punched a guard out to get the keys..." she sighed heavily again. "They were so happy I was alive that they didn't even flip out that I was pregnant."

Zed wiped her tears away and kissed her again, not knowing what else to do to comfort her as she recounted the nightmare she had been forced to live through.

"You already know that most of my scars are from when I crashed my car...but these…" She held up her wrists, "were originally from the bed restraints..."

A near blinding rage took him over. "You were restrained?"

She nodded her head again. "I tried to escape one too many times for their liking. So I was restrained and sedated at almost all times…"

Zed growled low in his throat. "I swear if I ever see your mother again…"

Addison grabbed his hand and squeezed, calming him slightly. "Trust me, I was out for blood when I got out… I settled for burning her house down."

"What?" he laughed, surprised by her admission.

She nodded her head and cracked a small smile. "Yeah, Bucky has a cousin who's an arson expert."

"Of course he does."

"Yup… Bucky and I torched the place and then drank milkshakes as we watched it burn to the ground." She exhaled slowly and looked back into his eyes, knowing that the brief moment of levity was about to end.

Sensing her change in mood, Zed leaned down and pulled her in for a kiss. He rested his forehead against hers. "Addison… I don't know how to ask this..."

"Just ask..."

"What happened with the baby?"

"I was eight months along..." she took a shaky breath and tried to keep the tears at bay. "I had been having horrible nightmares since I had gotten back, so Bucky, Bree, and Mason had taken it upon themselves to stay with me every night… One night I woke up drenched in sweat and with the worst pain I had ever felt in my stomach. I tried to stand up, but I just collapsed onto the floor. I don't remember much of what happened after that… I know Mason called for Bucky… he was across the hall and came running in. Someone called an ambulance… I have vague memories of the paramedics as they rushed me to the hospital, but..." she wiped her eyes, not wanting to say the words.

"But…" he asked quietly, tightening his grip on her hand ever so slightly, fearing what she was about to say.

"It was too late. She was gone."

"She…" His voice cracked as he tried to control his own emotions. "Penny?"

Addison nodded her head numbly. "I still had to deliver her...They pumped me full of as much pain meds as they could...It still hurt like hell…"

"Oh god..."

"They let me hold her though... I remember looking at her perfect little face and thinking that she had your nose," she let out a loud sob.

Zed wiped his own eyes as he held her close.

"The next thing I knew I was waking up in the ICU. I had hemorrhaged. Lost a lot of blood. Somewhere around 3/4ths from what I was told."

"Oh my god, Adds..." he wiped his eyes and kissed the top of her head. "I'm so sorry, beautiful."

Her body shook as she cried. "The scar under the Poe quote is from the emergency surgery..."

"We loved with a love that was more than love..." he whispered as he guided her face up to look at him. Her icy blue eyes were puffy and red, the wet lashes surrounding them sticking to her skin in dark points. She looked so sad and defeated, but in his eyes, she had never looked more beautiful.

"I was so angry with you back then, but all I could think of when I held her was that I wished you were there…" she whispered so quietly he wasn't sure if he had heard her.

"I wish I had been, too… I'm so sorry, beautiful…" he stroked her hair, not bothering to fight his own tears anymore.

"I hope you don't mind, but I gave her your last name… so she'd always have a part of you… I didn't know you had stopped using it…" she softly cried.

"Shhh…" he kissed the top of her head again. "I'm glad you did… Penny Jacobs…" he whispered, testing the sound of her name to himself.

"Penelope Layne Jacobs."

"Penny Lane..." he smiled, loving that she had chosen a Beatles song as a name for their daughter. "It's perfect."

She smiled sadly. "She was… do you want to see a picture?"

"I'd like that."

She wiped at her eyes and pulled her phone out of her pocket, typing in the passcode for the secured folder.

"0-3-0-9… like your safe at the house... Bree said it was a hard number to forget. Was that…"

"Penny's birthday…" Addison answered quietly, handing him the phone.

Zed's breath caught as he looked at the three images on the screen. His heart broke as he pulled up the one of Addison holding their daughter. He should have been there with her. She didn't deserve to go through any of that alone. He swiped over to the last image. "You were right…" he whispered as he traced Penny's features with his fingertip, wishing more than anything that he had been able to see her just once. "She does have my chin… and your nose…"

"She was a perfect mix of both of us…" she sighed and hugged him tighter. "She's buried in the family plot… Daddy's right next to her… That's where I was most of the night on Christmas Eve..."

He held her even tighter. "I can't even imagine… I…" he was at a loss for words. He lifted her chin again and crashed his lips to hers. "I am so sorry, baby… Can I... go see her?"

She nodded her head. "Yeah, I think that would be nice," she smiled sadly, wiping away a fresh round of tears. "But I need to finish telling you everything first."

"There's more?"

She nodded again. "I'm done with the secrets. I need you to know everything…."

He kissed her softly. "Okay…"

She exhaled and sat up. "It took a while to recover. But...in typical Addison Donnelly fashion, as soon as I was back on my feet I was the life of the party again," she laughed humorlessly. "At least I pretended to be… But, it got harder and harder to fake the smiles..." she sighed. "Some of our friends had picked up a new habit while away at school and coke was now the preferred party drug…" she wiped her eyes. "And, you know me...I'll try anything once… I was so tired of feeling empty and lost and it made everything just go away… So I kept using." A shudder ran through her body.

He hugged her tighter. He knew how easy it was to turn to drugs to mask the pain.

"And then one day I was off in Paris partying for my birthday. I took a bump and all of a sudden I felt this sharp pain. My nose started to bleed instantly and I felt really warm like my whole body was on fire... I woke up the next morning in the hospital. Apparently, there was a problem with heroin being sold as cocaine. I had had a major seizure. Fell, knocked my head on something, and had a pretty gnarly gash on the back of my head. It was a sobering experience, to say the least."

"Two near-death experiences within a year would have that effect."

"Yeah...But anyway...I was discharged from the hospital two days later. When I walked into my hotel suite and saw white powder covering pretty much every flat surface, I knew I needed to get as far away from there as possible. I grabbed my bag and left. I couldn't call Daddy. I don't think I could have handled hearing the disappointment in his voice. So, I called Bucky. He didn't lecture me, he wasn't angry...He just asked me how he could help. He flew to Paris that very day and went with me to a rehab facility. He stayed with me the entire time."

Zed placed a soft kiss on the top of her head, trying to hold back his tears once again.

"I stayed clean. Refocused on my album… And then six months later we got Daddy's diagnosis. And you already know how well I handled all that… So now...here we are… now you know everything... I'm a former addict who can more than likely never have children. I self medicate with alcohol so I don't have to deal with my feelings and I've spent most of my adult life using sex to deflect the screaming void inside my cold empty heart."

Zed brushed a stray piece of hair away from her face. "I think I may love you even more now."

Addison rolled her eyes. "How could anyone love me after hearing any of that. I'm a complete mess."

"Are you kidding me? How could anyone not? You are so strong. You've gone through so much and you're still standing. I'm in awe of you. And in case you forgot...I'm just as messed up as you are...if not more."

"What a pair we make."

"Addison...We were at our best together, and our worst apart...you and me ending up on this tour together, at a place named Seabrook of all things...If that isn't fate I don't know what is. I love you."

"You really love me? Even after everything I just said?"

"I do. I really, really do," he said as he hopped off the hood of the car and held out his hand. "Forever."

"And after," she smiled as she took his hand and slid off into his arms.

"No more secrets…"

"Never again."

He ran his hand through her hair as he brought her in closer for a gentle kiss. "Come on, Gorgeous… It's a beautiful night, let's go for a ride."

"But my car?"

He reached into her back pocket and took her keys. "Bucky can come get it later… Carpe Noctem."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, so I know this was shorter than my normal chapters, but the last one left off on a cliffy and this one had so much going on, that I figured I should split it up so everyone could breathe and process. With that said… PLEASE DON'T HATE ME! I've been so insanely nervous about this chapter since I first thought of it WAY back when I first started to write this story! The second half will post next week and I promise it won't be as heavy!

SONG USED IN THIS CHAPTER

Mad, Imaginary After