Chapter 10:

"Eleanor, lass," Jamie kissed her shoulder. "The household is stirring."

Eleanor groaned and buried herself back into the sheet. "We should have gone to bed earlier last night," she mumbled into her pillow.

"Aye," Jamie kissed her again, "We were in bed early, but I dinnae regret keeping ye up lass."

"Semantics," Ellie put the pillow over her head.

Jamie laughed and gently wrestled the pillow out of her hands, "I never seen ye so surly about wakin, lassie...or at least not lately."

"My stomach feels funny," Eleanor admitted.

"Funny?" Jamie eyed her, quizzically.

Eleanor looked up at him, "Strange. Different. Out of sorts. Not like it ordinary does." She scooted to sit up, "I'm sure..." She held up her hand, "Good Lord, it's not..."

Jamie recognized her feelings well as it was the same he got every time he took a sea voyage. And his refluxes were quick, shoving a basin in her face to watch her dry heave and gag.

He put her hands around it so she could hold it and he could rise and pour water onto a rag, handing it to her. He crossed his arms and eyed her contemplatively.

"Stop looking at me like that," Eleanor grumped. "I'm not fragile."

"Weel, if ye must ken ye are a bit," Jamie said, easily, "but that canna be helped considerin ye had no need to be of sturdier stock."

"Good Lord, you make me sound like a horse."

Jamie chuckled but then sobered up when Ellie's look turned into a scowl.

"Why dinnae ye sleep some more? I shouldna have woken ye."

"I asked you to wake me. I wanted to help Jenny."

"And ye have every morning for the past month and ye have been doin a fine job of it," Jamie said, still looking at her with a contemplative look. Jenny had held true to her word and had patiently taught Ellie the ins and outs of running the household. Eleanor in turn had started tutoring Ian with his reading and had worked with Mistress Kirby to help her lad with his articulation. Jamie had continued the riding lessons, determined for Eleanor to at least be competent enough to ride for help if need be. But now he was wondering if he should forgo the riding lessons for a bit. Still, the lass hadn't said anything to indicate that they might be expecting and he dinnae want to stir things up if there was no need. He hadn't thought of it until now, time had gotten away from him.

"Very well," Eleanor said, "I'm sure it will pass soon. Probably a virus. Did Claire tell you about germs?"

"Aye, all about them, maybe so," Jamie nodded.

"I just hope I don't give it to you." She frowned at the thought.

"I wouldna fash yerself, lassie," Jamie said, "I will have Jenny check on ye later."

He went over to give her a very gentle kiss on the forehead before leaving her by herself.

"What is on yer mind, brother?" Jenny asked, eying Jamie. "I can tell ye are worrit about somethin."

"Nah," Jamie shook his head, "not worrit."

"I'm sure Eleanor will be fine in a day or so," Jenny said.

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "but..."

Jenny stopped from rolling the dough and wiped her hand across her brow, "Ye might as just well come out and say it, brother."

"She would tell me if she was expecting a bairn, dinnae ye think?"

"Aye," Jenny said as she continued to pat the dough, "that is if the lass kens herself. How long has it been?"

"Since right when she came."

Jenny looked up abruptly. "That's been nigh two months now. And she hasna said anything?"

"I dinnae realize it myself. Time has gotten away from the both of us, but now...with her feeling so poorly," Jamie stopped. "I dinnae ken what she will say."

"Do ye not think she will want another bairn?" Jenny asked, surprised. "She loves the wee uns, Jamie. And she does well with them."

"Aye," Jamie said, slowly, "it's just the memory of her own bairns is just so fresh, I dinnae want her to mourn them all over again."

Jenny stopped her task and looked over at her brother. She wiped her hands on her apron to go over to stand on her tippy toes and put her hands on his shoulders. "Ye are a good man, James Fraser."

"Ach, no, but I think ye for the sentiment," Jamie said with a lopsided smile. "Do I ask her?"

She patted his cheeks, "Give her some time. Eleanor is a canny one, she'll figure it out soon enough."

"Do you think it is possible?"

"With two months gone, aye, I do." Jenny said.

Jamie let out a breath, "I dinnae ken whether to be grateful or terrified."

"A bit of both is to be expected," Jenny said, matter of factually before going back to her bread.

Eleanor managed to go about her day with only nausea plaguing her in the morning and at night. She felt it was odd, but there had been so much stress in her life that maybe she was finally coming to grips with it. Jamie hadn't touched her in days besides kisses on her head and comforting squeezes on her arm. They had finished Lord John's book and Jamie was writing to him back, when Eleanor came up beside him. "Can you..." she swallowed, "give him my regards...is that correct?"

"Aye, that tis," Jamie nodded. He glanced at her, "What would you say in your time?"

"Tell him hi for me."

"Hi," Jamie smiled at the word.

"Short for hello." Eleanor grinned putting her arms around his back and leaned over him to whisper in his ear, "but I may have emailed or texted him and probably would have said hey."

"Like what horses eat?" Jamie asked, amused.

She laughed. "We would always say 'hey is for horses' when we wanted the kids to use more formal talk." She giggled. "They got awfully confused by that. Charlotte would tell me 'no, hey is for hearing me!'"

"Ah," Jamie laughed, appreciatively, "She's a canny one like her mama, is she no?"

"Very much so. Both of them." She grew sober, and buried her head in Jamie's neck. "I miss them."

"Aye, I ken," he dropped his quill for a minute so he could lift his hand to cradle her head, rubbing it soothingly. "I'm sorry for it, lass."

"I am too," she said, her voice cracking. "Will you give Lord John my regards?"

"Aye."

"And tell him how much I enjoyed the book and look forward to discussing it with him soon?"

"Aye, I will."

She kissed him on the cheek, "Thank you." She let go of him and straightened.

"Are ye feelin better, Eleanor?" Jamie asked, picking up his quill and continuing his letter.

She sat down in the chair. "Somewhat. I'm sorry I haven't been feeling well."

"Ye canna help if ye are feeling poorly," Jamie commented, still writing. "Ye dinnae need to apologize."

"It may be all in my head though," Eleanor said, biting her lip. "A reaction to the stress of all of this."

Jamie paused from his writing, but did not turn towards her, "is that what you think?"

"Yes, it wouldn't be the first time. I can be anxious, Jamie. And sometimes I have a physical reaction to it," she sighed. "God help me. I am married to a highland warrior, practically the king of all men...maybe a wee bit controlling at times, but still...you exude strength..."

He looked at her out of the side of his eye, but began to dry his letter. "Do I?"

"And you're charming..."

"Am I?" He folded his letter and then sealed it.

"Yes, you know very well you are," Eleanor said, "and I..."

Jamie turned in his chair and held her eyes, "And ye are skittish at times aboot things that are not from yer time. Ye are worrit aboot what you ken about this time that we do not yet. Ye are worrit about what we ken that will help ye survive that ye do not. Is that the crux of it?"

"Pretty much," Eleanor wrinkled her nose.

"And ye think this is stomach ailment is all in that bonny wee heid of yours, do ye?"

"Do you think I am bonny?" Eleanor asking, twisting a strand of hair.

"Aye, verra much so," Jamie said, "Answer my question."

"It wouldn't be the first time... and it probably won't be the last," Eleanor admitted.

"I see," Jamie stood and approached her, "thank ye for tellin me." He reached for her hand and she took it. He pulled her up. "Or...there could be another explanation entirely." He sat on the bed with her.

"Like what?" Eleanor asked.

Jamie turned his face towards her, "Can ye really not sort it out?"

"Sort what out, Jamie?" Eleanor asked, frowning.

"It's been two months since we have married, mo ghraidh."

"That long?" Eleanor asked, lightly, "has the newness worn off already?"

"I still discover somethin new every day about ye, lassie. And if ye are referring to me no touchin ye at night, I dinnae wish to chance it this soon."

"Chance what, Jamie?" Eleanor asked, her tone becoming more serious. "What do you think is going on?"

"Ye have only had yer courses once in two months, Eleanor and that was early on. Did ye not think anything of it?"

Eleanor's intake of breath was noticeable, but otherwise she was still.

"Eleanor..." Jamie's voice was low. "Say somethin, lass."

She gently tugged her hand out of Jamie's and walked towards the window. She was silent for the longest time, but Jamie didn't dare interrupt whatever was going on in her head. Finally, she turned to him. "I need to go to bed now."

Jamie looked surprised, "Is that all ye are going to say on the matter?"

She nodded. "I...I need time to think it through."

"Verra well," Jamie stood and walked over to her, "Just tell me one thing, Eleanor...is it unusual for ye to go this long?"

She swallowed hard and nodded. He tipped up her face to try to study her, but Eleanor turned away.

"Ye can talk to me," Jamie said, simply, quietly. "Ye ken that well."

"I know. I will, soon...just not now," Eleanor said, her voice hoarse. "I want to go to bed. I need sleep."

"Aye, go on," Jamie said, "I may go downstairs for a bit."

"Of course." She crawled into bed and curled up in a ball, her back towards Jamie. He leaned briefly against the door in a silent prayer before going downstairs to see if his sister was still awake.

Eleanor stood by the water, skipping stones, her cape wrapped around her shoulder.

"Yer doin it wrong," Murtagh said. He picked up a stone, "Like this..."

"I wasn't really trying," Eleanor sighed, dropping all the stones she was carrying in her hand in the water.

She plopped down on the ground, her cape billowing around her.

Murtagh sat next to her, "Do ye want to talk about it?"

"Did Jamie not talk to you?" she asked, stretching out.

"Aye, he did," Murtagh said. "And then he sent me to walk with ye. The lad dinnae ken what to do with ye. I dinnae ken what he thinks I can do aboot it, but here we are."

"That must be a first," Eleanor laughed, "Jamie is always self assured." Jamie had been walking on eggshells around her since two nights ago when he broached the topic of a pregnancy. And they hadn't discussed it since. And she knew that her silence was worrying Jamie, but she just couldn't bring herself to figure out how she should feel. The nausea had not waned in the morning and night. She was overly tired as well. And her periods were always on time. Always...unless she was pregnant, which given the amount of nighttime activity Jamie and her had embarked in, she knew she had to be. But she felt like an idiot for not knowing it to begin with.

"Not always," Murtagh said, playing with a blade of grass. "And ye are a rare woman, Eleanor."

"Oh, you see that's not true. I'm quite ordinary, Murtagh," Eleanor said.

"Look at how ye are helpin Young Ian with his lessons and wee Rupert with his talkin. Ye figured out a way to help them both."

"Only earned me a sore backside for it all," Eleanor said, making a face at Murtagh.

"Aye, that it did. But ye figured out how help. Ye dinnae give up."

"But all of that's easy. All of this...that's what's hard." Eleanor said, "I still can't really ride a horse and Jenny has been so sweet to help teach me things and I am learning, but it's not as easy as she makes it looks. And I nearly threw up when ye and Jamie was butchering that poor deer."

Murtagh threw back his head and laughed, heartedly. "I remember yer face. Such a nice green shade to it... Jamie thought it was amusing as well."

"I suppose he did. Jamie does have a sense of humor," Eleanor reached to fiddle with the end of her pony tail, twisting it in her hands, "I just fear I cannot make him a good wife in this time."

"Dinnae fash, lassie. Jamie dinnae think that. He kens yer limitations and he kens that he and ye will work through them. Jenny said yer cooking has improved immensely and Jamie is quite determined to get ye to be competent at riding. The lad is usually up for a challenge." He studied her, "What is it, Ellie?"

"Murtagh..." Eleanor turned her head towards him, "I wasn't a very good mother." She held up her hand when he began to protest, "Oh, I loved them alright. Desperately. But I was overwhelmed. And I yelled when I shouldn't have. I was much better as a teacher than I was as a mother. I feel stupid for not realizing that I am expecting before Jamie did, but maybe I couldn't face it. And women die in childbirth in this time and I'm scared that I am going to live in fear for 9 months. Jamie will soon realize that I am just a mess."

"Weel," Murtagh looked at her seriously, "That is alot to bear, Eleanor."

"And when I realized what Jamie was saying, I wasn't happy. And now I feel guilty, because he has two children that he cannot raise and to give him the chance, to be a father, to have a family of his own...isn't that why you forced him into my arms?"

Murtagh chuckled and poked at her, "Ye have got it all figured out, haven't ye?"

"Well, wasn't it?"

"Nah," Murtagh said, "I saw somethin in ye from the beginning that I thought would compliment the lad well. And ye have. It had nothin to do with givin Jamie a bairn, although now that ye mention it, it would have been a fine reason all on its own."

"And if I die, will it still be one?"

"Do ye not think the lad frets about it?" Murtagh asked, seriously. "He does. Claire almost died in Paris and Willie's mother died from childbearin. HIs own mama died as well. If ye tell him that, he will not think ye to be unreasonable."

"That still doesn't deal with the fact that I am a horrible mother and I don't want Jamie to see that."

"Ach, I have never had children, but I am sure many of parents have hollered at their wee uns now and then. It's that ye feel bad about it, that's the difference."

"What if I can't do it?"

"Ye are doin it alone, lassie. Ye have Jamie and Jenny and Ian and ye have me. There will be plenty of ones around to help. Dinnae fash, we will all help ye. Ye need to tell Jamie what is in yer heid. He is goin mad with worry over ye."

Eleanor laughed, "I doubt that."

"If ye think the lad dinnae care, then ye should have never gone to school for that nonsense- what was it called?"

"Psychology," Eleanor said, absently.

"Aye," Murtagh nodded, "The good it did ye," he grumped.

Eleanor turned to him, "I'm not so bad."

"Nah, ye aren't, even if ye can't see what is right in front of yer nose," Murtagh rose and offered a hand. "Come now. Enough of this sulking." She put her hand in his and he pulled her up.

"Go say yer piece to Jamie so we can all have some peace, aye lassie?"

"Very well," Eleanor said, "Thank you, Murtagh for your help."

"Ye are most welcome, Eleanor." They walked back in easy companionship.

"Jamie," Eleanor brushed her hair three more strokes and put the brush down.

"Aye, lassie?" Jamie asked as he turned a page of his book, sitting by the lamp light.

"I feel stupid..." she paused, "like a fool" she amended, "that I did not know that I was pregnant...with child," she rubbed her face, "Oh bother."

Jamie marked his spot in his book and then put aside. He took over his spectacles and laid them on the table. "Dinnae fash on yer talk for now. It's just the two of us. Just come to me, mo ghraidh so we can have a proper discussion."

She walked over to where he was sitting and Jamie pulled her down on his lap. "Ye smell nice," he commented, sniffing her hair.

"I took a bath," she admitted. "I couldn't take it any longer."

"Yer husband appreciates yer efforts," Jamie kissed her neck. "Now, what's this about feeling like a fool?"

"I never skip my pe...courses. Ever. The only time I have ever is with Harry and then with Charlotte. And the fact is that we have done nothing to prevent it. I was fortunate with my two that when we wanted them, we got pregnant quickly. I should have known it could be the same way between you and I. But I had no clue what you were talking about. It's like it smacked me right in the face and I felt so much at that moment..."

"And now that ye have thought on it?"

"I'm scared I'm going to die," Eleanor blurted out.

"Ah," Jamie nodded, seriously. "I see."

"I mean, I thought often about it in my own time...I've always been a wee bit of a hypochondriac, ironic for a teacher, I know..."

"Hypo-what?"

"Scared of germs and illness."

"Ah, weel, that's not a gut thing to be in this time," he told her, his voice matter of fact and non-judgmental.

"Yes, I'm aware. I'm always aware of the folly of it all. But in this moment, I'm certain that I will not make this. I know that maternity rates are high in this century."

"Alot of women survive childbirth, Eleanor," Jamie pointed out, but from his furrowed brow, she knew that it was a fear of his as well.

"And then our child won't be vaccinated..." she paused, "Claire told you about that, right?"

"Aye," he said, quietly.

"I'm protected, so I feel confident in that, but what if they get some horrible illness and die?" she began to breath heavily. "Or get hurt and we can't fix it? We don't have modern medicine and I am not a healer. I can only teach them to read and write but what good that will do in this time?" she was having difficulty catching her breath, a full on panic attack in this works.

Jamie shifted her in his lap to face him. "Calm yerself."

"I can't," Eleanor began to breath more heavily. "I can't calm down."

"Look at me, now," Jamie's voice was low. "In my eyes." Eleanor forced her eyes up and Jamie leaned his head in so he was practically nose to nose with her, so she could feel his breath on her. "Take a breath, mo ghraidh," He put her hand on his chest so she could feel his chest rise and fall and his steady rhythm, "Breathe in. Breathe out. That's it. Again."

"Jamie..."

"No, I need ye to breathe in and out." Eleanor tried to even her breathing, "Again. Verra gut. Ye have got to calm down," Jamie said, his voice turning stern, gently shaking her by the shoulders to get her attention, "Ye canna fall to pieces over somethin that has not happened."

"But...I can't do this!" Eleanor exclaimed, ducking her head away from him.

"None of that," Jamie said, turning her head back. "Ye are my wife, tis no shame between us."

"If ye say."

"Aye, I do. I am not ashamed of ye. Are ye?"

"Embarrassed."

"Dinnae be. Now," Jamie tapped her chin, "What choice do ye have but to do it?" he asked, his eyes holding her own.

"None," Eleanor sighed.

"There you have it."

"But what if..."

"Ye and I will face it together."

"You needed to have married someone stronger."

"Ye dinnae realize yer strength. It's there. We all see it." Jamie nudged her up. "Stand up."

"What are you doing?" she asked as he fell on his knees before her.

"I dinnae have my dirk, but...if I did...I swear on this blade and on the cross of our Lord Jesus, that I pledge ye my loyalty, I give ye my vow. I willna leave ye and if God forbid, ye walk in the shadow of death, I will be there with ye. And if somethin happens to one of our bairns, I will mourn and grieve with ye and I will not let ye fall into despair. I will do everything within my power to protect and care for ye and the bairns. I gave ye my vow, Eleanor..." he paused, "what's yer second name?"

"Rose."

He paused, "that's bonny and so fitting..Eleanor Rose Fraser. I will be yer strength as ye are my own. I give ye my vow and if I should ever break it, may a blade pierce my heart," He rose and took her hand, kissing it, "Ye have given me life again. And the life ye are carryin in ye, that's givin me a beautiful gift. The gift of a second chance fer both of us. Please dinnae fear it."

"You don't understand," Eleanor began to cry.

"Make me understand," Jamie reached for her other hand, holding both of them in hers. "Tell me yer heart."

"I wasn't good at it."

"At what?"

"Motherhood. I should have been. I know you think I would be because of how I am with Jenny's kids, but I was so short tempered and bad at being a mama, Jamie. It was overwhelming and stressful and I was just awful at times."

"Yer bairns were handfuls, Eleanor. Of course ye were overwhelmed."

"But...they made me so angry at times."

"Aye, they can get under yer skin, the wee devils. I couldna own it, but Willie did on several occasions as well. The lad was a rascal, but I loved him so."

"But...what if..."

"I forbid ye to say... what if...one more time..." Jamie said, sternly.

She was taken aback, "You forbid, huh?" she gave him a small smile, "And here you were being all sweet pledging your loyalty."

"This is part of my loyalty. It's fer yer good. Ye canna let yer heid get the best of ye. We'll figure it out together. I dinnae ken what I am doing. At least ye have experience with it all. And my temper is far more fearsome than yers."

"That is true."

"Ye and I will both work on being slow to anger," he kissed her hands again. "I can tell the way ye talk about yer bairns, Eleanor, whether ye felt it or not, ye were a fine mother. One that I am so pleased to be carrying my bairn."

"Then," she searched his eyes, "Are you happy?"

"Aye, I am."

"Really?"

"Truly," Jamie reached to wrap her up in his arms. "Dinnae mistake me. I'm scarrit too. I have fears aboot it too, especially when I think of ye hurt or in pain. But I am happy about a bairn. And I dinnae think I could be happy ever again."

Her heart melted. "We can do this."

"Aye, we can."

"Thank you for talking me down," she paused to think of a way to adjust her language.

"I ken yer meaning and of course," Jamie said. He leaned in for a kiss and she gave him one, putting all her emotions into it. She clung to him and he to her. Finally he pulled away when things were getting passionate. "Not untll ye are further along.I dinnae want to hurt the wee un."

"That's inaccurate," Eleanor said, "I have done this before and according to my doctor in the twenty first century, we are fine. It won't cause any harm."

"Is that right?"

"It is," Eleanor nodded, "And the truth is, I need your comfort tonight, Jamie. I am out of sorts and I just need you to make me feel better."

It was the first time she admitted that she needed their intimacy just as much as he did and that moved Jamie.

"Are ye certain?" Jamie asked, staring at her.

"Yes," Eleanor said, "and there are benefits to it, Mister Fraser." She untied her shift.

"Such as?" Jamie asked, lightly.

Eleanor smiled at him and although a pink twinge had crept upon her face she took his hand and snaked it in the opening of her shift and placed his hand. "There's a difference. Can you tell?"

"Aye, there is," Jamie said, "I dinnae realized it before."

"My body is releasing more hormones now so everything is rapidly shifting."

"God, ye are wondrous," Jamie said, under his breath and then scooped her up in his arms. "Now what can I do to help ye get yer mind off of it, Mistress Fraser?"

"I'm sure we can think of a few things," Eleanor quipped and then giggled as Jamie playfully pounced on her.

"Aye, that we can. We can use that canny mind of yers for good," he nipped at her ear, "not to worry about things that canna be helped, my wee besom."

"Am I really that much trouble?"

"Ach," Jamie leaned up on his elbows to look at her, "Only in the best ways, wife of mine. At least ye are not dreadfully boring, like some women. I never ken what ye will say or when ye will cry or when ye will..." he paused, "poke the bear to make me angry, which if we are being honest, is really a dangerous endeavor, mo ghraidh,"

"Ah, well, yes, sometimes, I just cannot help myself," Eleanor said. "Don't forget about teaching me how to ride."

Jamie laughed, "Ah, and there is that as well. I canna help to feel content and full with ye in my life, Eleanor Rose...Fraser."

"And baby Fraser." she reached to put his hand on her stomach.

"Aye," Jamie leaned down to kiss her stomach, "I canna wait to watch our bairn grow in and out of yer belly."

"Hey, Jamie?" Eleanor sat up to look at him seriously.

"Hey, Eleanor?" Jamie asked and Ellie giggled and he winked at her.

"You have been through so much hardship and pain and my struggles, I know they are trivial compared to everything..." she blushed, "I'm not unaware that it must all seem ridiculous to you."

"Dinnae fash yerself, mo ghraidh." Jamie said, "Why would I even compare that to this?"

He said it so matter of factually that she just stared at him in disbelief.

"Ye are the hardest on yerself that I ever be, Eleanor. I just wish ye saw what I see in ye," Jamie said quietly. Her lip trembled, but before she could respond, Jamie's mouth was on her. And after he made love to her, he wrapped her up in his arms to sleep, placing one hand protectively over her stomach. For though their baby was only the size of a bean, she knew he already loved him or her fiercely. And once again, her heart stirred in powerful ways for what Jamie was given her and she him...

Hope.

A/N: Thanks to all who continue to read and review! I appreciate all your thoughts. :)