A/N: Thank you all for the reviews! I always appreciate knowing your thoughts...a quick turn around this time...and a really looong chapter. Writing is relieving some stress this week. Thank you again!
Chapter 19:
A week passed and they had no closer come to a decision. In that time, Eleanor hadn't said two words to Jamie even with Jamie's repeated attempts to talk with her- pleading with her to just tell him what she was thinking and feeling. Finally, Jamie went to Murtagh to seek out the advice of his godfather.
"Does the lass still refuse to speak?"
"Aye," Jamie said, grimly. "When I said she should be marrit, I was poking at her," Jamie admitted, as he sat at the small table in the cottage of his godfather. "I dinna think she would actually take me seriously."
"I think she took ye seriously, lad," Murtagh said. "Ye ken how Ellie gets when her feathers are ruffled."
"She is already marrit...to me!" Jamie grunted. "Can she just not see reason?"
"But she does see reason," Murtagh said, quietly. "Ellie can be quite reasonable. She sees that in the eyes of the law and even of the church, Claire is yer wife. She kens she has no right to claim ye."
"No right to me?" Jamie was aghast. "She and I have three wee bairns together. Surely she dinna discount that."
"For Christ's sake, lad, she dinnae want a pity marriage...fer ye to stay with her out of obligation. She willna ever let that stand. Her pride is as big as yers and that is sayin somethin."
"She has to talk to me. I can no read her mind."
"She did tell ye that ye should be with Claire."
"I thought she was just reactin at the time...that she dinna truly mean it," Jamie let out a breath, "That when she thought over it more, that she would feel differently. But she is silent. I canna tell what she is thinkin."
"And if she does mean it, Jamie?" Murtagh leaned forward, "What will ye do?"
"I dinna ken. I am already worrit aboot the reaction to Claire's return. Ellie could bear the brunt of it...and our children. The gut Father has already paid us a visit. We tried to hide her return, but the news has spread."
"What has the gut Father said?" Murtagh drawled, sarcastically.
"That in the eyes of the church and the law, Claire is my wife."
"So kick Eleanor aside?" Murtagh grunted. "How is that right? Or Christian?"
"I dinnae ken," Jamie said, seriously, "But I would feel better if Eleanor and the children are protected if Claire does stay. How serious are ye about marryin her?" he asked, his voice low.
"I will do so," Murtagh nodded at his godson. "Willingly...if it comes to that."
"Why?"
"I care aboot the lass and the wee bairns as weel. I willna see them put low."
"Would ye...Forgive me," Jamie put a fist on the table, "Christ, this is hard."
"The handfasting vows are not binding if we dinnae consummate. Ye ken that as weel as I. It is what forced Ellie to yer bed the first day we met her."
"I remember," Jamie closed his eyes tightly. "She willna like it."
"I suspect not," Murtagh punctuated each word. "But I can handle Ellie, Jamie." He pointed a finger at him, "I suspect ye willna like it either."
"The thought of Eleanor with another...it pierces me," Jamie turned his head, his body shaking.
"I dinna take pleasure in this, lad," Murtagh said, gruffly, "But I will do right by the lass, if it comes to it."
"I canna get through to her. She is pushin me so hard away and into Claire's arms."
"She doesna want ye to stay with her out of pity," Murtagh said, again. "And if she is willing to step aside, then perhaps it is best."
"I made a vow to both women," Jamie responded. "How can I just ignore one fer the other?"
"The law and the church says that ye belong with one over the other," Murtagh said. "Perhaps that is the way ye choose as blasted unfair as it is to Eleanor."
"Eleanor and I have the wee uns together. They are so verra wee...and Eleanor has her hands full with them," Jamie said.
"We can all help Eleanor raise yer wee uns. Two of them are my godchildren," Murtagh pointed out, "And Sam is practically though I dinna ken what possessed Eleanor and ye to name the Englishman as godfather and give the wee un a verra English name."
"Oh Christ, Lord John," Jamie's forehead creased in worry, "He will have a conniption over this."
"I suggest ye refrain from writing him any time soon," Murtagh grunted. "He would probably challenge ye to a duel over Ellie's honor."
"Aye, I wouldna put it past him and more so, I'd deserve it," Jamie looked resigned, "What should I do?"
"Only ye can ken," Murtagh said, "What do ye feel is right..in yer heart?"
Jamie let out his breath, "I think Eleanor needs to decide fer yerself what she wishes to do. I will face the law and the church...if she decides that Claire should leave."
"Lad, ye canna put this on Eleanor's shoulders," Murtagh chided. "it is too much for her to bear. She will break."
"She won't even look at me any longer. I cannot go on like this. And Claire is getting restless. We have to bring harmony back to our family, Murtagh. Fer the wee un's sakes. Will ye not try to talk to her?"
"Aye," Murtagh scowled. "But it willna be easy."
Eleanor looked down at Rosie, who was nursing in her arms. "I do not know what to say."
Murtagh went to sit next to her. "Ye need to say what ye are thinking."
She swallowed hard. "What does Jamie say?"
"He says ye won't talk to him."
She closed her eyes, "It is too hard for me to be near him right now."
"What do ye think is best?"
"I know how heartbroken he was over Claire. They have that once in a lifetime kind of love."
"Do ye not feel the same can be said about ye and Jamie?" Murtagh asked.
"I simply don't know. All I know is the look on his face when he saw Claire again. She traveled through time to be with him. It's the stuff of the best books and movies. How can I be the spoiler to that?"
"I dinnae ken what ye mean."
"I mean I cannot stand in his way, Murtagh," Tears began to fall again. "This week, I have tried to put myself in Claire's shoes...and honestly, I am not sure I could have been brave enough to do what she has done...even for Jamie. She is his equal...and in spite of how strong and brave and witty and," her lip trembled, "passionate...I try to be...I can't compete with her. He took her into the battlefield with him...he would have taken her on his adventures with Lord John all those years ago. Jamie needs a women who can match him...and I cannot."
"Ye do yerself an injustice, Eleanor," Murtagh frowned. "Ye are all those things...ye just need to work up to them and ken who ye are...deep within ye. Have ye even asked Jamie what he wants?"
"He would never tell me," Eleanor said, softly. "I know that he would never willingly hurt me. It's why he is being so indecisive. And there are the children...he wouldn't be the man that he is...if he chose Claire over me...so I'm trying to do the brave thing." She picked up Rosie and patted her on her shoulder. "But I am not strong enough to face him...so...could you just..." she struggled to reign in her emotions, "tell him for me?"
"I will take care of it fer ye, Ellie," Murtagh said, reaching to squeeze her head.
"I'm sorry I am dragging you into this," Eleanor said, her voice low. "I do not want to put you in the middle. I have no where to go though."
"It isna like Jamie will kick ye and the bairns out," Murtagh retorted. "Lallybroch is yer home."
"I heard that Jamie got a visit from the Father. I do not think the church will tolerate me living under the same roof as Jamie and being unmarried," she bit her lip. "For the children's sake, I want them to stay at Lallybroch." She looked terrified for a minute, "They wouldn't insist on taking the children from me, would they?"
"Jamie would never let that happen, lassie," Murtagh said, his voice firm. "He would go to his death before he would allow the bairns to be taken from ye. But this time is not a gut or a just time to be a woman. And ye would be better off marrit than not, especially with three wee bairns to care fer."
"And are you sure about marrying me?" Eleanor said. "If I say I don't want Jamie out of pity or obligation..."
Murtagh touched her arm. "It isna pity, Eleanor. Ye are my friend. The mother of my godchildren. Of course, i will this fer ye. When do ye want to be marrit?"
Eleanor paled and then took a determined breath, "As soon as possible."
"Are ye quite certain, Eleanor?" Murtagh asked. "Ye are giving up so much."
"I'm giving it up for Jamie...how can I say I love him and not give him back his heart?" Eleanor asked, still watching the bairn.
"He'll want to talk to ye."
She shook her head. "Please do not force me to do that right now."
"Verra weel, lassie," Murtagh squeezed her hand. "I'm verra sorry, mo buidheag."
She forced a smile. "One day, I will understand why all of this happened...it just will not be today."
"No, I suspect not...and maybe not fer a verra long time."
"What did she say?" Jamie asked, his voice low.
"She wants ye to be happy with Claire."
"Oh Christ," Jamie put his head in his hands. "How do I make this right?"
Murtagh reached out to squeeze his shoulder, "Ye canna. Ye simply have to take it what it is and move on."
"But the wee uns," Jamie raised his head. "How can I look them in the eyes and do this to their mother?"
"I dinnae ken," Murtagh said, grimly. "The wee uns are young. It will affect Mac the most."
"Aye," Jamie frowned. "We were so happy. Eleanor was content."
"The village is already swarming with news, Jamie. It seems to have gotten worse since we last talked...if we dinnae right this situation, there will be a price to pay. And Eleanor will be the one declared to be at fault."
"Tis not fair," Jamie said, "She is blameless."
"Ye ken it is true."
"Aye, I do, but I can take us away. I told ye, I will face anything fer her."
"And then if that news spreads, the bairns will become more weel ken. With the prophecy, it could put unwelcome attention on her and the wee uns."
"Aye, I ken," Jamie let out his breath. "Is this truly what she thinks is best?"
Murtagh shrugged. "She explained to me her reason. I dinnae think I agree with her, but I dinnae think ye will convince her tis not true."
"If this happens, she cannot defy me at every turn."
"I will take care of it."
"I need to talk to her...I have to speak with her, Murtagh. I canna do this unless I do."
"She doesna want to..." Murtagh said, his voice gentle. "And I think ye have to respect her wishes."
Jamie swallowed hard, "Then..." he took a breath, "there is something we must discuss before..."
Jenny put her arms around Eleanor, "I love you verra much, sister."
Eleanor shook in her arms. "I love you too. Thank you for everything you have done for me."
"For what it is worth," Jenny pulled away from her and placed a hand on her cheek, patting it, "Jamie is going mad with worry right now, the thought of ye with another. He and Murtagh had a long chat and I dinnae ken what he said, but from what I gather, he was trying to protect ye."
"I had to," Eleanor let out a breath, "I had to for Jamie."
"We all ken," Jenny put her hands on her shoulders, "And now this is what ye have to do for yer bairns and fer yerself. I just dinna want ye to think it is easy for my brother, that he is just goin to fall back into it with her. He is goin to be a man pulled between two women for a long time."
She nodded, "Would you help Jamie with Rose? I think she should be fine for a few hours, but tell him that he is to bring her to me if she won't settle."
"Jamie is a gut da," Jenny said, "He will be fine with the bairns."
"He's the best," Eleanor let out her breath, "I could not bear for him not to be near his children."
"Jenny, lass," Ian gestured to her and Jenny squeezed her fingers, "Ye are stronger than ye ken," she leaned into whisper in her ear, "Ian told me that when yer were in labor with Sam and with Rosie, Murtagh couldna be settled. He was worse than Jamie. He cares fer ye, sister, and ye need to lean on him to get ye through this trial."
She nodded as her eyes wandered across the room to Murtagh. He smiled at her, a genuine, comforting smile and she nodded.
They had left them alone and Eleanor swallowed hard at the sound of the door closing. She went over to the table where the bouquet was sitting.
"I do not think I thanked you for these," she said, her throat dry. She coughed.
"Ye look like ye want the ground to swallow ye whole, lassie," Murtagh relied, frankly.
It was enough to break the tension that the developed between them during the handfasting ceremony. It was as if something in Eleanor snapped- the tight reign on her temper unraveled.
"Oh, God, leave it to you to be so damn blunt," Eleanor cried. "I do. I do want the ground to swallow me whole. I was a fool to fall in love with him so many years ago. I should have known this could have happened. How stupid can I be? I should have guarded my heart better."
"And spent the past five years in a loveless marriage? T'would not do."
"Yes!" Eleanor cried. "If to avoid the way I am feeling this moment, yes!"
"Ach, sweetheart," he crossed the room in three seconds to put his hands on her shoulders. "Ye have kept this inside fer days. Ye need to get it out of ye."
"If I do, I will not be able to stop."
"I have ye." She stiffened as he put his hand on her head, "Look at me. It's I. Ye trust me?"
She nodded, "You know I always have."
"Then let me care for you," he said, his voice low. "Come and let me hold ye for a while until yer heart is not so sore and raw. I even bathed for ye."
Eleanor's lip trembled and she laughed.
"There we are," Murtagh said, "that lovely laugh of yers. I willna do anything but hold ye, aye? Do ye not wish fer some comfort?"
"I am going to fall to pieces if you are sweet to me."
"I suspected as much," He opened his arms and she moved right into them, sobbing. "Let yourself cry, lassie. A long, hard cry. It's be best cure for this."
He moved with her to sit on the bed with her, holding her and she clinging against him. "I held it together for the children and for Jamie, so he would think I was okay. That this is what I wanted...it's the last thing I wanted. I wanted him. I will always want him."
"Jamie kens ye well, lass. It is why I had to endure an hour lecture on how to best bed ye from my imp of a godson. I taught him what he kens about women, way back in the day."
"Did he really?" Eleanor raised her head in shock.
Murtagh put his finger under her chin, "Ye canna be surprised by that. Ye just had yer sweet wee lassie two months back. The lad loves ye verra much."
"He loves Claire."
"Aye, I ken. And there is the conundrum. She truly wanted to go back, ye ken."
"I know, I just couldn't bear for Jamie not to have his heart restored fully even if it meant that my heart is breaking now."
"Aye, cry cry, sweet lassie, let it out. All of our hearts are breaking, Jamie's included. Do not doubt that," Murtagh said, holding her tight. And she cried in his arms while he spoke gaelic to her, words of calm and comfort. And after a good long while had passed, he pulled away from her.
"We need to talk, now," Murtagh said. He went over to pour some water into a basin and wet a cloth to hand to her. "Rub yer face and be ready to listen."
She did as he said. "That's gut, lass. Now," he went over and sat next to her. "I dinnae think ye'll like what I have to say, but I need ye to heed my words."
She took a breath and let it out. "Go on."
"With me, ye can tell me precisely what ye are thinking and feeling. If ye need to cry or scream or if ye want to go and sulk, ye can do that with me. I will do my best fer ye, Eleanor, to get ye through this madness. And tis madness, the whole lot of it. And between ye and I, it can be different. I can give ye leeway, but when it comes to respectin Jamie as heid of this family, laird of our clan that we are forming together, ye have to. Ye canna pit him and I against each other, for the sake of the bairns, ye must abide. Ye can rail at me all ye wish, but..."
"But I have never abided by Jamie's wishes without argument, ever," Ellie interrupted, bluntly.
"But now with Claire, it's different."
She swallowed hard, "I know, but I do have a brain, you know. I may not be a doctor, but I am pretty smart."
"Aye, a fine canny mind if ever there was. So use it, lass," Murtagh said. "and...to make this all work, ye canna give yerself over to bitterness and despair."
"I don't know how not to," she admitted.
"Ye have to find a way for the sake of the wee uns," Murtagh told her, reaching out to squeeze her hand. "They need their mama and their da."
She closed her eyes and nodded. She made a fist and pushed it down on the bed. "Must we do this together? Can we say we did and just not?"
"I ken ye are scarrit of it..."
"I'm not scared of it," Eleanor interjected, her eyes opening wide.
"If ye are no scarrit of it, then what be the problem?" he asked, an eyebrow raised.
"Okay, I am a little scared of it," Eleanor admitted. "Not that I think you'll hurt me or anything. I'm just..."
"Ye are weary, I ken that weel, lass. But the word is spreading quickly aboot Claire's return. It is best if I put ye under my protection. We have to follow the handfastin."
Eleanor jumped, startled. "I'm not being blamed, am I? I didn't do anything wrong..."
"Tis a cruel time to be a woman, lass," Murtagh said, his voice gentle.
Eleanor blanched, "They won't arrest me, will they? The church...what they did to Claire back then...Jamie told me about it...I...Murtagh, the babies."
"All will be weel, lassie," Murtagh put his arm around her. "I promise ye."
Eleanor leaned down and buried her head in her hands. "I didn't do anything wrong."
"I ken that," he reached out to rub her back. "Will ye be well? I dinnae wish to force myself on ye especially when ye are feelin so raw."
Eleanor bit her lip. "No, I can do this," she took a breath. "It isn't forcing if I am allowing it. And I did it before with Jamie...it can't be any worse than that night. Trust me, it was awful."
Murtagh raised an eyebrow. "And at least ye havena traveled through time."
"Very true," She nodded, taking another breath. "'I'm sorry that I can't be more..." she paused, "accommodating."
"Dinnae fash," Murtagh kissed her forehead. "I'll snuff out the light. Go ahead and lie down."
Eleanor took a breath, and then another, but lied down, her head on the pillow. "I have a request if it wouldn't be too troublesome."
He came down on the bed beside her. "Aye?"
"Will you not hold my hand if you can manage?"
He chuckled, "Aye, I think I can manage that. Give me yer hand, sweet lass."
He took her hand in his and kissed it, his beard tickling it. "I won't let go."
"See that you don't," Eleanor said as the tears fell down her face. "I'm sorry...I can't stop...crying."
"Shh," he hushed her and then very gently kissed her tears away. "Close yer eyes."
She closed her eyes, "They do have a saying in my time, you know what it is?"
"I can only imagine," Murtagh said, wryly. "What is it?"
"Lie back and think of England."
Murtagh snorted, "And that is supposed to be a help? Tis a nightmare that is..."
Eleanor opened her eyes and giggled through her tears. "I thought you would appreciate that one," she said.
He laughed, "Aye, that I do. Lie back and think of England...what nonsense."
"I think it was meant to do your duty...some queen or something..." she frowned. "I'm not really sure. I should have paid more attention to things. Murtagh?" she squeezed his hand.
"Aye, lassie?"
"It's been hard for Jamie and I...after Rosie's birth."
"Aye, I ken all aboot it, did ye really think Jamie would not take care of ye, even in this? Dinnae fash lass. I will take care of ye. It isna been the first time I have done this."
He kissed her hand again and Eleanor closed her eyes, trying to gather her courage. He was true to his word- he was kind and gentle and compassionate, such a stark contrast to how gruff he usually was. But then he had always been that way with her...a true friend.
And when it was done, she turned on her side and buried her head in his chest. "I'm so glad you did bathe."
Murtagh chuckled. "Ye are verra blunt sometimes, lassie."
"I know," Eleanor said. "Speaking of that, do you think you can get Rosie for me soon. My breasts ache."
"So, I have to be the one to face my godson after bedding his love?" Murtagh scowled and then kissed her head. "Aye, I will be back in a few minutes with the bairn."
He left her alone and she turned and wept into the pillow, unable to be brave any longer.
Eleanor fed Rosie and then wept further. She fell asleep and when morning rose, she fed Rosie again, but then laid the bairn in bed beside her.
"Eleanor," Murtagh sat on the bed, "Are ye not coming?"
She look at him and shook her head. "I can't. I want to sleep. I'll keep Rosie with me. Ask Jamie if he will watch Mac and Sam. Tell him I will see them soon."
But the hours soon turned into days with Eleanor refusing to leave the cottage. Mac and Sam would come and play with her and she would hold it together for them, but the minute they left, she would fall apart again. Murtagh realizing how broken she actually was, didn't force her out...and simply held true to his promise, to let her do whatever she needed to get through this trial. Jenny would bring meals and coax her to eat, but Eleanor was becoming frail.
After a week, Jenny went to Jamie and Claire.
"Ye have to do somethin, brother."
Claire's face wrinkled in concern as she handed Mac more blocks to build. "Did you try the tea?"
"Aye, I tried the tea. Tea isna goin to heal this," Jenny said, "Jamie, ye have to go to her. Find someway to soothe her soul."
"She doesna want to see me," Jamie let out a breath.
Murtagh came into the room. "I agree with yer sister, lad. I have tried. I canna get her out of it."
"What is wrong with Mama?" Mac asked, putting his blocks together.
Jamie went to kiss his son's head. "Mama is fine."
"She doesna look fine," Mac told him. "She's sad all the time. Mama was always happy before."
"Aye," Jamie went to lift his son up into his arms. "Dinna fash, lad," he held him tight, "I promise yer Mama will be fine."
"Is it because Claire is back?" Mac asked, "And now she is marrit to Murtagh?"
"I ken this must be confusing," Jamie said. "But one day, ye and I will sit down and talk more about this. Just ken that ye are loved Mac...now just by a whole lot more people than before." He put them down and swatted his bottom, "Off ye go, my wee un. Go see if ye can find Ian."
They watched him go and Claire turned to Jamie, "It could be serious...this melancholy, Jamie. Rosie is so young. We have to watch her carefully."
Jamie looked aghast, "What are you worrit aboot?"
Claire pulled him to the side while Murtagh went to talk to Jenny, distracting her.
"She could have depression that women get after their bairns are born. Sometimes it presents later and given the life altering events that have occurred, she is vulnerable to it."
"What can we do?"
"I don't have anything that can treat it...during this time. We can try more herbs. But I think you need to talk to her. Maybe it simply her way of dealing with everything that happened and it isn't something more serious. You know her better than anyone. See if you can figure it out."
"Aye, I'll try," Jamie looked resigned.
Jamie sat on the bed with her. "Lass, I need ye to talk to me. What is happenin with ye?"
Eleanor turned to stare at him. "Have you slept with her yet?" her tone was expressionless.
Jamie's expression turned pained, "Do not do this, Eleanor," his tone was sharp. "We have three bairns that need us to be...at peace with one another...to explain to them what their new world will be like. Mac is scarrit and Sam wants to ken where ye are."
"Is she what you remembered?" Eleanor asked, the same tone devoid of emotion. "It was special between the two of you, wasn't it?"
Murtagh shuffled his feet from his stance at the door. "Fer Christ's sake," he grunted and Jamie glanced back at him.
"I canna even dignify that with an answer," Jamie's voice was stern.
"But it was," Eleanor said, "That means I chose right, does it not?" She closed her eyes.
Jamie reached out and squeezed her arm, "Ye need to get yerself out of bed and be the mother to our children that I ken ye are."
"So, it is done," she whispered. "Are you happy, James?"
"Eleanor..." Jamie's voice held his sorrow. "Please."
"I can't leave this cottage. I can't face the world any longer."
"How long are ye going to do this?" Jamie asked.
Eleanor put the pillow over her head. "Until I decide not to. And futhermore, ye canna do a thing about it, James Fraser."
Jamie got back up and went past his godfather. "If she can give it to me that gut, I doubt it is what Claire says. Give her a few more days to sort it out," he advised. "And I'll try again."
"Where is Mac?" Eleanor asked Murtagh when he deposited Sam on the bed next to her a few days later.
"He is feelin poorly," Murtagh said.
Eleanor sat up. "What do you mean he's feeling poorly?"
"His throat is sore and he has a fever."
"How long has this been going on?" Eleanor asked, her eyes filled with concern.
"Since last night," Murtagh responded.
"It started last night and no one thought to get me?" Eleanor asked, aghast.
"He havena left this cottage fer days. Perhaps, we dinna think ye could handle it."
Eleanor titled her head. "He's my son, Murtagh."
"Aye, I ken," he retorted. "But ye havena been yerself."
Eleanor wanted to offer a heated rebuttal, but she realized he was being fair. "How bad is it?"
"I dinnae ken."
Eleanor got up and reached for her dress. "We need to keep Sam and Rosie away from the house. Can you watch them here?"
"Aye, of course," Murtagh said.
Eleanor twisted up her hair in a bun and rushed around the cottage. She went to leave but then turned on her heels and went back to Murtagh.
"I've been incredibly selfish. I just couldn't get myself out of it. The pain...it rivals the pain I had when I was taken from Will and the kids. It consumed me."
"Aye, I ken. But ye still have yer wee uns, Ellie."
"I know. Will you forgive me?"
"Tis nothin to forgive," Murtagh leaned to kiss her cheek. "Just dinnae make a habit of it or I will be far less generous with ye."
"Fair enough," She nodded. "I told you I was difficult."
"Aye, but it wasna unjustified," he said. "Go on and check on Mac. Give him a hug from his godfather," he said as he picked up Sam who was starting to get into his things.
"I will do that. Are you sure you'll be alright? Rosie just ate."
"Go on with ye. I can handle the wee rascals," he hung Sam upside down causing him to giggle.
With a quick kiss on Sam's head, Eleanor left to find her son.
Eleanor pushed open the door to Mac's room.
"Mama," he whispered. "Mama, I dinna feel gut."
"My love," Eleanor reached to take him in his arms. "I'm so sorry you are feeling unwell."
"Claire has been helpin me," Mac said.
Eleanor looked over to where Claire was standing. She had been sitting by the bed but got up when Eleanor entered the room.
"Thank you," she said. She felt Mac's head. "He is burning up. What can we do?"
"We can try to get his fever done. His throat looks..." she paused, "well, it is very inflamed."
"Like he has strep?" Eleanor asked, her arms tight around Mac as she reached over to take the wash cloth and blot his forehead.
Jamie stepped forward, "What is that?"
"Putrid throat," Claire clarified for Jamie.
Jamie looked scared. "Are ye certain?"
"What is it?" Eleanor frowned at Jamie's panic. He was always so steady.
"It is highly contagious, lassie," Jamie said. "And ye are nursing the wee un. Mac is a braw lad, he can fight it, but Rosie?"
Eleanor looked up at him. "I can't very well leave Mac so ill, Jamie."
Jamie frowned, "I ken. I just want to protect all the wee uns. Rosie is two months old, mo ghraidh."
Eleanor paused at Jamie's continued use of her name. Her heart softened towards him. She turned to Claire.
"What would you do, Claire?" Eleanor asked.
"I think Jamie is right," Claire said. "I know it is hard. But I am a doctor. I can care for Mac. And if it gets worse, I have something I know that will help, but I want to save it in case this spreads."
"Did you bring penicillin?" Eleanor asked, her eyes wide.
"Yes," Claire nodded. "But I do not have much of it."
She bit her lip. "Would you be willing to use it on us?"
"Of course," Claire said. "Mac is family, Ellie. I would happily use it on him."
Relief flooded Eleanor. Ever since she had found out that she was pregnant with Mac, she had been concerned for the first illness...for the high child mortality rate.
"Thank you!" Jumping up, Eleanor went over to her and put her arms around her. "I'm sorry," she whispered, "I've been so jealous and hateful. It is not your fault. It is no ones fault. It just is. I don't think we can ever be best friends or anything, but...it's never been about you."
Claire stiffened but then returned the hug. "You should not be so hard on yourself, Eleanor," Claire said, softly in her ear.
"Please take care of my boy. Mac is so special. He always has been."
Claire pulled away, "Of course, I will," she said, quietly. "Say your goodbyes. And then when you leave. Ye need to get the whisky and disinfect. Change your dress."
She nodded. "I know what to do. I am a wee bit of a hypochondriac."
"Are you?" Claire made a face, "And you got thrust into this time?"
"Ironic, huh?"
"Very much so," Claire smiled at her.
"I will stay too," Jamie said.
"Are you sure you should take the risk?" Eleanor asked.
"Aye, he is my son too, Ellie."
She nodded and went to where Mac was watching her. "Am I verra sick, mama?" he asked.
"Yes," Eleanor reached to put him in her lap. "But Da and Claire are going to care for you. I want to be here, but because of Rosie..."
"Ye canna get her sick because she could die," Mac said.
"Yes, but.." Eleanor hugged him tightly, "Claire is going to take care of you. And she is so super smart. She is a doctor. We are blessed she is here. Mama wouldn't know what to do."
"But ye always ken what to do."
"Oh, Mac," Tears filled Eleanor's eyes, "Do you know how precious you are to me? I know I have not been a good mama these past few weeks, but I love you so much. You are the gift I didn't know I needed, but God gave you to me because he knew how much I needed you...so very desperately."
"Do ye and Da still love each other...even though ye are marrit to other people?"
Jamie sat next to them on the bed and Claire slipped out with the basin of water.
"Mama and I will always love each other, Mac," Jamie said, firmly. "And we will try better about keeping things peaceful fer ye and yer brother and sister, won't we, lass?"
Eleanor nodded, "I can't promise you entirely, Jamie."
"I ken," Jamie responded. He reached over to squeeze her hand. "Mac, may I hold ye for a while?"
Mac nodded.
"Maybe," Eleanor gave him one more hug before putting Mac in Jamie's arms, "Da can read the storybook Lord John sent us. Would you like that?"
"Aye, I would. I'd like that verra weel, mama."
"Good, my sweet boy. Now rest up and listen to Da and Claire, yes?"
"Yes, mama," Mac said.
Eleanor gave one more look at Jamie holding her son, before going downstairs to disinfect and then head back to her other children.
"Ye are worrit about Mac, aren't ye?" Murtagh asked as Eleanor rubbed Sam's back on the makeshift pallet, trying to help him go to sleep. He kept tossing and turning. Rosie squawked from her cradle.
"I got the lass," Murtagh said as he picked her up. "She needs to be changed."
"Ah," Eleanor began to move away from Sam but then he started jumping up. "Lie back down, Samuel John," Eleanor said, firmly.
"No sleep. No wanna sleep."
Eleanor looked to Murtagh and let out a long breath.
"I got him, lassie," Murtagh said. "Lie down, Sam. Now." he pointed to the pallet and Sam immediately dropped.
Eleanor's mouth dropped. "How do you do that?"
Murtagh winked at her and went over to the boy's side. He put his hand on his back, heavy, but comforting. Eleanor picked up Rosie and started to change her on the bed. She fed her and rocked her. She fell asleep and Eleanor eased her back into the cradle.
"Is Sam?"
"Aye, he's asleep," Murtagh said. "Come, ye need to sleep as well."
She climbed into bed with him. "I am worried about Mac," she whispered.
"Claire is a fine healer," Murtagh said, "she will care fer the boy."
"Sometimes, I feel so much despair."
"Aye," Murtagh reached out to touch her hand. "Yer cold again."
"I'm always cold. I'm so used to different weather. Even after five years, Scotland is raw."
"Come closer than."
Eleanor shifted closer to him. "Tell me Mac will be fine."
"I canna say fer sure," Murtagh said. He kissed her head. "Go to sleep, lassie. Things will look better in the morning."
She nodded. "The babies will be up in the night."
"Aye," Murtagh grunted. "I have no doubt. So sleep now, lass."
Eleanor closed her eyes and allowed herself to drift off to sleep.
And when she woke up, she found that Mac had taken a turn...thanks to the power of modern medicine...And for the first time, Eleanor felt that maybe she could...for that moment...understood why.
And so the weeks passed- and the seven of them were getting adjusted to their new normal. With a few blips here and there where things were contentious between Ellie and Jamie, but it was though times that Murtagh would force her to yield, straining their own relationship. But he also stayed true to his word to let her figure out how to proceed and to be that steady presence for her.
But then one day...everything changed again.
It had started as a normal day- Sam and Mac were causing mischief, Rosie was particularly demanding. Eleanor lost her temper with them, which caused a temper tantrum for both the boys. Eleanor calmed them down and then went to gather the lunch to take out to Murtagh and Jamie. Jenny was gone visiting her newest wee granbairn and Claire had gone to pick some herbs near where Murtagh and Jamie were working. Young Ian was home and seeing his favorite auntie was distressed offered to watch the bairns for a few minutes while she took out the meal to Jamie and Murtagh.
They had greeted her with thanks, Murtagh giving her an appreciative kiss on the cheek. And she returned to the house...it was so ordinary. So typical. It could have happened every day.
But what greeted her was far from ordinary.
"Mac? Sam? Ian? Where are you?" Eleanor called. "Da says hello and that you both need to..." she stopped in her tracks. The blocks they had been playing with were strewn about...Rosie's blanket lay tossed on the floor, the cradle empty.
"Ian?" Eleanor called. "I need you to answer me!" She climbed the stairs to their room. Nothing seemed out of place. She came back down the stairs and nearly tripped.
It was Sam's stuffed bear- given as a gift from his godfather- ripped into shreds. Out of the corner of her eye, a piece of parchment laid on the ground. Eleanor stooped down and picked it up. Her mind raced- she didn't know how it was all connected, but Jamie- Jamie would.
Eleanor couldn't breathe- the dread and panic that filled her was like anything she had ever experienced. It was akin to her falling through time- she felt so disoriented. She had to get to Jamie. Jamie would know what to do.
"JAMIE!" She ran...she ran as fast as she could. "JAMIE!"
Jamie looked up and began to run out to greet her, Murtagh close on his heels. "Eleanor!"
He reached her and later would say that the expression that Eleanor had on her face would be etched in his mind to his dying day. It was like being on the battlefield, right before a man knew that he was meeting his death at his hand. Jamie's heart raced.
"Eleanor, lass," Jamie gripped her arms. "What is the matter?"
Eleanor choked, out of breath and terrified. "I..." she swallowed hard and shook her head.
Claire dropped her herbs coming towards them as well.
Jamie shook her. "Ye are scarrin me. What is the matter?" He moved his hands to her face, gripping it and forced her to look at him. "Look at me. In the eyes. I have ye now. There you are, mo ghraidh. Tell me. What is wrong?"
"The children..." Eleanor heaved, "they're gone."
"They are probably just hidin...tryin to fool ye," Jamie told her. "It is nothin to fash over."
"Rosie, too?" Eleanor asked, shaking her head. "No, there is more. Sam's bear...it's torn. Ripped to shreds. And there is this..." Eleanor handed him the parchment, Murtagh coming closer to his godson's side to see.
Jamie looked at Murtagh whose eyes lit with fury. Jamie let out a roar, ripped himself away from her and ran to the house. Murtagh running after him.
Claire stayed with her, putting her around Eleanor, who was leaning over...out of breath from running and her sheer panic.
"Who could have done this?" Eleanor heaved. "Why would somebody want to do this?"
"What was on the parchment?" Claire asked.
"Just a white Rose," Eleanor responded. "What could that mean?"
"It's the Jacobite symbol, Ellie," Claire's voice was grave.
And it was at that moment, that Eleanor realized that losing Jamie was nothing compared to this. This was her worst nightmare coming true. History had repeated itself and once again, she felt herself being torn away from the ones that she loved the most.
And it was a feeling that she didn't know how she could bear for a second time.