A/N: Thank you again for the reviews! So...one reviewer asked if we will see more scenes of Jamie as a father. We will for sure, scattered throughout the rest of the story. However, not in this chapter...fair warning: the next two chapters will be Jamaica-centered, but we will find out what happened to Jamie and the kids (in the next chapter). To clarify, the plan was that they wanted to return to Scotland...BUT life happened. :)

Hope this makes sense and this chapter doesn't disappoint since it is more Ellie-centered...though Jamie is never far from either Ellie's OR Lord John's minds. :)

Chapter 22:

Jamaica

Eleanor was awaken by the gentle prodding of Susanna with the news that Lord John wanted to see her.

She quickly dressed and came down the stairs to meet him in his office. He rose from his desk when she entered the room, his quill falling to his desk.

Her heart hammered as she looked at him, trying to ascertain his expression, frozen with anticipation.

"They are all safe with Jamie," John said, quickly.

"Thank God," Eleanor covered her mouth and began to sob. "I hadn't wanted to hope because I didn't dare want to be disappointed. Oh, thank God." She turned her head and wept.

"Come, don't cry, Eleanor, it is good news," John came beside her and took her by the crook of her elbow, gently guiding her to the sofa where they both sat.

"Of course, its just," Eleanor struggled to get her emotions reigned in, "It has been such a long few months, John. It has been agony with Claire coming back and the children taken and..." she paused, "Did you talk to Jamie? What did he say?" Ellie asked as John once again pulled out his handkerchief, handing it to her.

Eleanor laughed through her tears, "Thank you, I feel like I never have one of these when I need one. I'm sorry for falling apart here."

"You are most welcome and after what you have gone through, you are entitled to shed more than a few tears," John retorted, "And yes, I did speak to Jamie...only briefly."

"What did he say?"

"Rose has red curls..."

"Oh, my baby," Eleanor responded, "she must be so big now. I'm sure I wouldn't even recognize her. She was so little."

John nodded, "Sam is apparently verra braw," John did his impression of Jamie and Eleanor laughed more.

"Of course he is," Eleanor nodded. "He is a Fraser."

"And Jamie said that Mac is the bravest boy he has met and so very intelligent like his mama," John said.

Eleanor wiped her eyes as the tears kept flowing, "I wish I could see them," her voice cracked. "It is agony."

"But at least they are well," John said. "And safe with their father."

"Of course, I'm glad for it," Eleanor nodded, her lip trembling. "Jamie is a good father."

"He is indeed," John agreed. "He also sent you his regards."

"Did he?" Eleanor mused and titled her head. "That doesn't sound like something Jamie would say to me."

John shifted and then looked over at her, "He wanted to say something else, but considering..." he paused.

Eleanor closed her eyes, "You don't need to say anything else."

John rose, "Come, Eleanor. You need to break the fast."

"I'm not hungry," Eleanor said.

"In your condition, you must take care," John's voice was gentle. "Come," he extended his hand, "a light breakfast will do."

"Very well," Eleanor agreed, taking his hand and allowing him to pull her up.

"Thank you for making sure I had news of the children," she said.

"Of course," John said. "I would not have it any other way. You could not wait here for months without knowing and while Jamie said he would endeavor to send word, I knew how difficult it would be to keep that promise," he said as he led her to the dining room.

And Eleanor was again filled with gratitude for her friendship with Lord John.

"What have you done to amuse yourself today?" John asked over supper.

"I slept," Eleanor said. "Almost all day."

"Did you?" John asked, mulling that over. "Are you feeling well?"

"I didn't sleep well last night or for many nights since the children were taken," Eleanor confessed.

John frowned, "No wonder then. Do you feel more rested?"

"Indeed, I do, but now I fear that I will not sleep tonight," she responded.

"Well, perhaps we can solve that by doing something entirely dull tonight," John retorted.

"Playing chess, perhaps?" Eleanor titled her head, mischievously.

"For shame, woman, you speak slander," John responded, but his eyes was full of mirth. "Perhaps you do not understand the complexity of the game."

"I do not deny that," Eleanor said, "For it is dull."

"Have you ever played?" John asked, unable to contain his laughter.

Eleanor paused, "I haven't actually."

"Then perhaps I should teach you one day," he retorted, "so you can better judge its merits."

She gave him a surprised glance.

"What? Do I not think you to be completely capable of a game of strategy?" John pressed. "You are unlike any woman I have ever met."

"Then clearly you have not met Jamie's wife," Eleanor drawled.

He laughed outright, "I should not laugh, but...forgive me..." he put down his fork, "you have seemed to recover yourself this day."

"I feel more like myself now that I at least know the children are well," Eleanor admitted. "Speaking of Jamie though, I do wish to tell you all that has happened..if you would be willing to listen."

"Indeed, I would," John said, placing his napkin on the table, "Are you finished with your supper?"

She nodded.

He led her to retire into his office, gesturing for her to sit on the couch. "Would you like a drink?"

"I shouldn't."

"Why is that?" John asked, pouring himself a brandy.

Eleanor realized her error. Of course, pregnant women were allowed to have alcohol this century. Jamie and Jenny were used to her not wanting to drink while expecting, so besides Mac's pregnancy, it had never been questioned again. She covered, "It sometimes makes me feel unwell in my condition."

John nodded, "I seem to remember that now from earlier."

He picked up his drink and sat next to her on the couch. "I have to confess I am very curious how all this came to pass."

"Well," Eleanor twined her hands, "Claire came when Rosie was about two months old. Jamie was out in the fields..." she stared at her hands, "I recognized her."

"But you had never met her...how ever did you recognize her?" John inquired.

"Her way, I suppose. Jamie had described her in depth to me, so the physical characteristics matched, but it was more her manner."

"That as very intuitive of you, Eleanor," John commented.

"There has been times since that I wished I had been less so," she said, wryly, "She wanted to leave when she realized Jamie had moved on, but..." she turned to face John, "I told her she must stay to see Jamie."

"Why on earth would you do that?" John sputtered his drink.

"For one, she is his wife...by the law and the church."

"But if she went away, no one would know," John pointed out.

"But I would know," Eleanor searched for her words, "I just knew that If I never let those events unfold that there would always be secrecy between Jamie and myself...It would have been a betrayal to the relationship Jamie and I had formed. We have strived for honest and openness between us and..." she wrung her hands.

"Ah," John nodded his understanding, "You could not live with the lie- even if it was one of omission."

"Yes, exactly," She nodded. "I don't know what I thought would happen. But the moment Jamie saw her..." she paused for a long time, her eyes far off. Finally she looked at him, "I will never forget the look on his face. I cannot even describe it, but it was clear how hard and how long his heart had yearned for this day. It was chaos with the kids running around and Rosie screaming, and yet there was only them in the room."

"That had to have been so difficult fo you," John said, sympathetically, "But what did Jamie do?"

"He told me to leave the room."

John raised his eyebrows, "He must have wanted to protect you, but..."

"The damage had already been done," Eleanor finished for him. "I couldn't unsee what I saw. And Claire said she would leave, but...I just knew...how could I say I love Jamie and not give him back his heart?"

"But did he say to you that he wanted to be with Claire again?" John asked.

"I was so hurt, I could not speak to him for a long time."

"Eleanor," John let out a breath, "then you do not know for certain that this was what Jamie wanted."

"Indeed," Her lip trembled, "That's the crux of it...I acted out of hurt and anger...and I...didn't think that Jamie thought what we had was special and sacred as well. I was so afraid of what he would say that I chose for all of us...breaking my heart and dividing our family in the process."

"But he allowed you to do that," John said. "He could have insisted she leave and made matters right with you. Of course, you were hurt. Do not put this on yourself, I beg of you."

"The church and the community also was putting pressure on him, so in that sense our hands were tied."

"Still," John said, taking a sip, "Did you truly think your marriage was truly altered beyond repair enough not to insist that the father of your children honor the family you have made together?"

"In my view," Eleanor said, "at the time...I only saw the inferiority of our marriage...and of myself...to what he had with her and to her very person."

"And now...do you think the same?" his voice was gentle.

"Now," Eleanor let out her breath, "there have been glimpses of times since the children were taken that it has been abundantly clear that Jamie did not feel that way about our marriage...or about me."

"I should say not," John responded, his voice low, "For I was witness to what you did have."

"But it does not truly matter, because what he feels for me, he also feels for her. And I have to see the love that they share day after day. I thought it would be easier with time, but it is not."

"No," John stared at his drink, "It is not."

She looked over at him, "Do you think I was a fool?"

"Oh, Eleanor, my dear," John put his drink down, "I think you should not put any blame on your shoulders. Your daughter was only two months old- you were most likely exhausted from tending to the baby at all hours and raising three children."

She glanced at him, "I never made that connection."

"I remember how my sister in law was and she had a nanny to help," John offered. "I cannot fathom you doing so without a nanny."

"I was exhausted from the boys during the day and Rosie at all hours- they were all so demanding. God, I miss them though."

"I know you would not trade them for rest, but the facts remain. You must have been so uncertain and Jamie did nothing to avail your fears. What should you have thought at the time? And if the church was putting pressure on Jamie to stay true to his first vows and if there was unrest among the community, then what were you to do?" John shook his head, "No, it was Jamie's place to act and sort this out, not yours."

"I do not want to be too harsh to blame Jamie," Eleanor said, "For, I was being difficult and stubborn."

John gave a small smile, "Yet, he should be well accustomed to your ways after five years of marriage. He should have known you needed him to act."

"Yes," Eleanor let out her breath, "I love him still."

"Of course you do," John said. "It is not easy to stop loving him."

"I am married to another though," Eleanor said.

"I think that is what angers me the most," John said, "is that he allowed that to happen."

"I needed a husband. He offered. I agreed. All was done with consent."

"Yes, I do not deny the wisdom of marrying again," John responded, "But someone who could match you. Someone you could foresee spending the rest of your life with. Someone who could foster your unique spirit, but not break it."

"That does not exist in the Scottish highlands," Eleanor said, dryly. "Or anywhere really."

"It existed for you and Jamie."

"I do not deny it, but..." she titled her head from side to side, considering, "All in all, Murtagh isn't unkind. He does care."

"But you are not happy," John said, "that is clear."

"It is my plight in life," Eleanor retorted, "perhaps when I am back with the children, I can distract myself with raising them. That is my hope at least."

"That is no way to live, Eleanor."

Eleanor looked at him, their eyes meeting and what she saw there was compassion and understanding. Her heart stirred because if anyone, Lord John could know exactly how she felt.

"I know," she said, simply. "But there is no choice but to live."

"Indeed."

Eleanor forced a smile, "When is Lady Isobel and William coming?"

"Not for another two or three months when the traveling is safer."

"Yes, it was quite difficult," she said. "If I never had to get on a ship again, I would be happy."

"When would you anticipate the child?" John said.

"Not for a while," Eleanor said, "which is why I was so angry at Murtagh for making me stay. If I was closer to delivering, then very well. But I am months away."

"Still travel back to Scotland would be dangerous in your condition and does take months."

"But what I am going to do here?"

"Well," John titled his head. "What do you want to do to occupy yourself?"

"For the past five years, it has been about the children or Jamie and I...I haven't even thought about my wants."

"What do you wish to do besides devouring every book I have with me here?"

She smiled, "Yes, that would be one option, but I can't sit around all day and read."

"You could knit."

"That's funny," She laughed, "You should have seen some of the clothes I knitted for the babies. Jamie's sister, Jenny, had to fix everything I tried to make."

"Well, then," John pondered, "What have you always wanted to do but never could?"

She considered and then looked at him, sheepishly.

"What is it, Ellie?" John smiled at her, "I will not judge you."

"Write a novel," she admitted, twining her hands.

"Then, I will ensure there is plenty of parchment and ink at your disposal," he said, his tone matter of fact.

"Jamie would not approve."

John smiled at her, "Than all the better you should try your hand at it when you are here with me and Jamie is so far away."

"Not to mention, Murtagh..." Eleanor bit her lip, "But then again..." she paused, "Do you approve?" she asked, her eyebrows raised.

"As long as you let me read the final product," John's voice was conspiratorial.

"We'll see," Eleanor said, "It could be awful. In which case, I would be embarrassed to have you read it."

"I don't think it would be," John said. "I certainly cannot be worse then some that we read."

Eleanor giggled, "That is true."

"Then it is settled," John said. "It should keep you well entertained by reading and writing, but I may have to prevail upon you to attend some of the events I must put on as governor...dinner parties, balls, that sort of thing. You could help me organize it."

Eleanor wrinkled her nose, "I thought I could just hide in my room during those events."

"You cannot hide away, Eleanor, like you are an embarrassment. It is fine that you are here," John's voice was kind. "Please do not feel otherwise. And I do enjoy your company."

Eleanor nodded. "Very well. And I will attempt to do so with a smile on my face."

He smiled at her, "Thank you."

She smiled back, "You're welcome."

A few weeks passed. Eleanor's children were constantly in her thoughts and she took to writing notes to them even though she knew that it would be a while for them to be able to read and understand them. But it did help with the longing. Even though the days were hot, Ellie would venture to the garden to read and write during the day, while Lord John would attend to the government's business. Then at night they would catch each other up on their days during supper and in the hours before bed, retiring to John's office to continue their lively discussions. They would read together some and discuss literature. John would tell stories from his past, Eleanor marveling at some of the more lively adventures he had- John making sure he censured out the inappropriate for a lady's ears parts. Eleanor would respond with some of her stories of her past, careful to make them era appopriate, censuring out the modern parts for John's eighteenth century ears.

John finally said he must have a dinner party, it was too far overdue and Eleanor reluctantly agreed to attend after he gently prodded her until she finally relented.

After the guests had left, John and her sat down in the study.

"I forgot how introverted you are," John commented over his brandy. "You are not that way with me or with Jamie."

Eleanor rubbed her flushed face, "I hope I wasn't too much so."

"Oh no, they loved you," John said, "you were very charming and sweet tonight. I just hate for you to be so uneasy."

"Did I seem uneasy?" Eleanor asked, horrified.

"Of course, not," John was quick to reassure, "only for one who knows you well."

She sighed in relief. She would hate for everyone to know how out of place she felt.

"Once I get to know them, I will be more at ease," Eleanor said, "it is only at first." The baby moved and Eleanor put her hand on her expanding stomach. "So are you ever going to teach me chess?"

"If you wish," John said. He went to retrieve his chess board. "Are you certain you are not too tired?"

"Not unless you are," Eleanor retorted. "Just teach me well enough so I can beat Jamie."

John couldn't help but laugh, "That's the Eleanor I know. Very well. I will attempt my best."

And so chess was added to their after supper activities and Eleanor began to see the strategy behind the game. Ellie had to admit that it was much more engaging playing it then watching.

John and her had developed such an easy rhythm together, both enjoying each other's company even if the island was hot and wretched. But as Isobel's arrival date came closer, Eleanor noticed that John began to get more and more restless. She wasn't sure what it meant, but she was worried about him.

Little could she know what was to come.

"Hello," Eleanor stopped in her tracks as she walked into the small tropical garden. "I didn't realize...I had forgotten this," She reached to retrieve the notes and sketches for the children she had accidentally left on the bench.

"Who are you?" the boy demanded, almost petulantly grunted, from his perch on the bench.

Eleanor's stomach flip flopped, he looked so remarkably like Jamie...or what Sam would be like in in seven year's time. His tilt of his head, the way he carried himself- that was Jamie...and Mac.

"You must be William," Eleanor said, her voice calming, but clearly in control. "It is a pleasure to meet you."

The boy of ten stood, "You know me, but I have yet to make you're acquaintance, ma'am."

His manner of speech- now that was Lord John. Eleanor restrained a laugh of mirth. This child was going to be delightful- surly and pompous, yet delightful.

"Eleanor Fitzgibbons nee Fraser, but that is a story for another time," Eleanor gave a brief curtesy. "I am a friend of Lord John."

"And my mother?" William asked. "Are you a friend of hers?"

"I have not had the pleasure of meeting Lady Isobel," Eleanor said.

"And you will not," the boy's back stiffened, "She is dead."

Eleanor's heart sank. The poor child. He sat back down and stared into the array of flowers.

She bit her lip. "Where is Lord John?"

The boy shrugged, swatting at his eyes. "I do not know. In his study, I think."

"May I?" she asked.

He nodded. "I cannot stop you."

"Well, you could if you wanted..." Eleanor retorted, "You are the son of the governor."

William frowned, "I do not even wish to be here." He kicked his heals against the stone bench. "Dreadful place."

"I do not disagree," Eleanor sat down on the bench with him. "When did you arrive?"

"This morning," William said.

"Did you eat?"

"I was not hungry at the time."

"Are you hungry now?"

William gave a small nod. "I could not find anyone in there."

"They were probably eating their midday meal themselves," Eleanor said, rising. "I can find you something to eat."

"I'd like to stay out here," William said, his voice low.

"Of course, I will have them bring you a tray out here," Eleanor said. "Watch for the bugs, they are annoying creatures."

William didn't say anything else to her, but swatted a mosquito away.

Eleanor went back into the house and went to find Tom.

"Where is Lord John?" Eleanor asked.

"In there, Mistress, but I would not go in there," Tom said.

"Can you make sure William gets something to eat and that he is able to find his room? He must be exhausted." Eleanor put down her parchment on the table in the hallway before raising a hand to knock on John's door.

"Mistress," Tom brow wrinkled, stopping her from knocking.

She turned her head, "It will be fine, Tom. I can handle myself with his excellency."

"He is quite indisposed."

"I can only imagine," she nodded, "Thank you for the warning."

He nodded, "I will take care of the boy."

"Thank you," she smiled at him before knocking on the door.

"Enter."

She pushed open the heavy doors, her eyes adjusting to the dark of the room. The curtains had been drawn. John sat at his desk, his head in his hands. There was a glass of brandy half drunk, but Eleanor could tell it was not his first glass as the decanter was almost empty.

Eleanor silently approached the desk and then reached out to put a tentative hand on his shoulder squeezing it. John jumped but then reached up to put his hand over hers squeezing it.

"Isobel...she was sick...and then..." he choked. "She's gone. I can't even give her a proper burial."

"I know, I'm so sorry, John," Eleanor said, impulsively leaning over to give him a hug. She knew it was not proper decorum for this age, but she could not fight her instincts to comfort her friend.

He let out a long breath and leaned against her, resting his head on her expanding belly. "I did love her. I did." It was almost as if he was trying to convince himself of that truth. Eleanor's heart broke for him.

"Of course you did," Eleanor said. "We all know that you did."

"Did you?" John asked. "I cannot even cry for her. I've been trying to imbibe so I could, but I cannot."

Eleanor pulled away and dropped to her knees, "Oh John, I'm so very sorry."

He turned in his chair to face her, "It means that I did not feel what I should have towards her," he told her, his eyes tortured.

"That does not mean anything of the sort," she responded, her voice low. "People deal with grief in their own way. It does not mean that your heart feels one way or another. Of course you loved her. She was a longtime friend before she was your wife. Your tears will come, perhaps when you least expect it. But do not doubt that you did care."

"I couldn't make her happy for as hard as I tried. Perhaps she thought I did not care in the way I should. Did she go to her grave thinking that?"

"I'm sure you made her happier than you know," Eleanor offered.

"But I was borne the wrong person for her," John said, his voice breaking.

Her eyes filled with her own tears as she reached over to grip his arm, "The thing of the matter is, John... perhaps, you were the right person for the right time."

"Good God, how can he not love you still?" John asked, sliding off the chair to drop beside her.

"He does love me, John," she responded, shifting so she wasn't on her knees still. Her voice was earnest, "What we had together was powerful and life giving. But his soul just belongs to someone else."

"And where does your soul belong?" John searched her eyes.

"My soul does not have a home except to my children." Eleanor swallowed hard, "Murtagh understands. And I'm sure Isobel did too."

He reached for her hand, squeezing it. "Do not leave me."

"I'm here," Eleanor said.

He nodded and that sat like that on the floor for the longest time, before John turned to her, "Why are we on the floor?"

"I don't quite know, I thought it was quite odd for you, consider how proper you are, but you are a solider, so then I thought that perhaps I should not have discounted it entirely."

He rose and then reached down to help her up, leading her to the sofa. "What will I do?"

"Well, for one, I do think you should probably refrain from drinking so much midday," Eleanor said, wryly. "but for two, I think you do what you have to do."

"What is that?"

"Choose to live," Eleanor said, "if only for that child in the other room."

"Did you meet William?" John asked.

She nodded.

"What did you think?"

"He is remarkably like Jamie even though his coloring is different. It's the way he carries himself. He's hurting something awful though he is trying to hide it."

"What do I do?"

"You do what you always do when your child is hurt- you comfort them. You just be there for him. You'll know what to say and when to say it."

"How can you be so certain?"

"Because," Eleanor gave him a small smile, "You are Lord John. You always know what to say and when to say it."

"I thank you, Madam Fraser," John said, "You are a treasured friend."

She smiled at him, "You are quite far gone, are you not, Lord John?"

"I am afraid I am. My head feels heavy."

Eleanor slid off the couch to make room. "Lie down then."

John immediately feel asleep- more like passed out. Eleanor went in search of a blanket for him. Once she came back and covered him, she went to Tom and make sure that when John woke, that he would have plenty of strong coffee on hand.

"I'm must apologize, Eleanor," John said, the next night over a game a chess. "My behavior yesterday was unforgivable."

John had slept well through the night and into part of the day. When he awoke, he had sought out William, having a long talk with the boy before supper with her- William eating in his room. She could tell at supper that there was something he wanted to say, but couldn't at the moment. It wasn't until playing chess, that he felt courage enough to apologize.

She moved her piece, "Think nothing of it. You have seen me at low moments before."

"Yes, of course," John looked sheepish. "It was undignified though."

"For you, maybe, but for me, it was not," Eleanor assured him. "Your move."

"Ah, yes, I'm thinking," John said, pondering his next move. He moved his piece. "I do want to thank you for your kindness."

"Please don't," Eleanor moved another piece, "It is among friends."

"Still..." John countered, but Eleanor quickly interjected,

"Look at all you have done for me in the past weeks. I wouldn't have been able to have gone on, being so far away from the children, with it being so long since we will be able to hear from Jamie. You have provided so much peace these few weeks just by being my friend."

John studied the board, but he then looked across it to her, "For the record, I did mean what I said about you- I view you as a treasured friend, Eleanor."

Eleanor swallowed hard, "Thank you." Tears of gratitude sprung to her eyes. How different this would have been without him. He did know how to speak to her soul.

The baby gave a strong kick to her ribs and she shifted, "Ouch." She rubbed her rib.

"What is it?" John said.

"My child decided to kick me in the ribs."

John laughed, "Does that mean he or she likes me or not?"

She laughed in turn, "He or she will definitely like you, Lord John. I am determined to make you his or her godfather if you are willing."

"I am that. Honored again," John said, "but your husband will surely have words. I am far from- very far from-his favorite person."

Eleanor shrugged, "It's my child too. I don't see how he has much of a choice. He is after all, very far away."

John gave her a small shake of his head in disbelief. "You can be very stubborn, Eleanor."

"One of my finer qualities, your excellency."

"Indeed," John said.

Eleanor giggled. "Checkmate."

John put his hands on the board, in disbelief, his eyes scanning it. "You are right."

"Of course I am."

"The pupil has exceeded her master," John commented.

"Only because the pupil distracted her master..." Eleanor retorted, with a smile. "But it does feel good. No offense."

"Not taken," John smiled at her.

William was undoubtably stand-offish towards her, not that she could blame him. John had to keep prompting him to engage in their conversations until Eleanor entreated him not to push William to act a certain way. They had vaguely explained her presence but Eleanor could tell it bothered him to have another woman so close to his Papa. John, taking the wisdom of a five time- almost six time mother, backed off.

Eleanor found William in the garden one day weeks later.

"Are you bored?" she asked him.

William swatted at another mosquito. "This awful place. I hate it."

"I do not blame you one bit," Eleanor said. "It is hot and buggy and just awful. But will you come with me?"

William wrinkled his nose, "I suppose, there is nothing better to do. Will Papa mind?"

Eleanor titled her head, "I doubt it. He is away visiting another part of an island today."

"What are we doing, Mistress Fitzgibbons?"

"Going in search of a bloody breeze," Eleanor said, fanning herself.

William looked off put for a minute and then said, "Let me change my shoes."

"You must be so bored," Eleanor said as she led him up the hill, her hand supporting her belly.

William acknowledged with a nod of his head. He looked so much like Jamie the way he carried himself. Eleanor wondered how her little ones were doing with their father. Her mind wandered.

"Madam," William reached out to grab her as she tripped over a fallen root.

"Thank you," Eleanor said, "I did not see it."

"Clearly," William retorted, "What were you thinking of?"

"My children," Eleanor replied easily.

William looked uneasy, "Father said they were kidnapped."

"Yes," Eleanor nodded, "but thankfully they are safe with their father now."

"Do you miss them?" William asked, glancing at her.

"Every moment of every day," Eleanor said, swatting a mosquito from biting her neck. "I try to keep busy, to distract myself. If I was bored, then I would allow myself to dwell," She said, her voice casual. "It isn't like I forget about them, because how could I? But I have to choose to go on."

William pushed away a tree palm. "I think of my mother often. Both ones- the one who died when I was a baby and the one who raised me."

Eleanor nodded, "And when you do, you honor them. But being a mother myself, I think if anything happened to me, I would want my child to go on- to be the best they can be. And that would honor me the most."

Willam became quiet, thinking of the words she said as they continued to walk in silence.

Finally William said, "Papa says you are very opinionated for a woman."

Eleanor raised her eyebrows, "Did he?"

"But he said that you are also very wise and that I should treat you with kindness. That your opinions are usually good ones."

"Your Papa is very wise as well, William." They reached the top of the hill overlooking a cove. The breeze rolled off the ocean. "Ahh, there it is," she murmured. "Blessed breeze."

William sighed in relief. "That feels so much better."

"Doesn't it?" Eleanor marveled.

"Papa said that he will send for another tutor when he can," William said, "The last one was entirely dreadful."

Eleanor shaded her eyes, and looked at him.

"You forgot your hat, Mistress Fitzgibbons."

"Yes, I did," Eleanor raised her eyebrows, "I taught my nephew and his friends in the period that they did not have a school master. We could..." she shrugged. "If you wish...not to pass your day in boredom."

"A woman?" William frowned, looking quite like Jamie when perturbed at her.

"I beat your Papa twice in chess now," Eleanor offered.

"Have you?" William's mouth dropped in shock.

She smirked at him, "That's how Lord John's face looked when I declared," she leaned to whisper, "checkmate."

William laughed at her, "Very well. It is better than Tom forcing me outside to play."

"That's the spirit!" Eleanor declared. "I'm going to make it quite diverting!"

John pulled out the chair for her, "Eleanor, dear, did you forget your hat again?"

"Thank you," Eleanor said, "And yes, quite unladylike of me to be so red and not the cause of it being your dreadful dinner parties."

William tried to hide a snicker, but was unsuccessful.

"Regardless of that, I'm going to set Tom upon you, if you do not remember in the future," John warned, with a look at William who started to laugh harder at them. He smiled at his stepson. "What did you do to entertain yourself today?"

"Madam Fitzgibbons and I went to find the breeze," William said. "And then we came home and she mixed things together in the kitchen and made it explode. The cook had a fit with her."

John looked at Eleanor, his mouth dropping.

She leaned over, "It was an experiment. And I cleaned up afterwards. William helped me."

"Did he indeed?" He took a bite, "I'm certain it was quite educational."

"Indeed, it was, your excellency," Eleanor said, nodding.

He gave her the side eye, "Oh, I can tell already, you are up to something. Well, what is it, Madam Fitzgibbons?"

Eleanor looked briefly at William before saying, "If you don't mind, Lord John, William has graciously allowed me to coerce him into some lessons...to keep me busy and out of trouble."

"I don't see why not," John said, dryly, "it seems like you had a fine start today. It would be good for William to occupy his time in a productive way. As long at is productive and does not create such a stir with the household."

Eleanor looked thrilled and William smiled at her. If today was any indication, Mistress Fitzgibbons had alot up her sleeve.

When they finished supper and John sent William up to read before bed, Eleanor joined him in his study.

"Do try to stay out of trouble with William, Eleanor," John said, pouring himself a drink. "And take care of yourself. Jamie will have my head if you do not."

She rubbed her back, "I will. William needed something to occupy himself," she said, her voice low. "I know how he feels. It is hard not to dwell when there is nothing to do. And while I cannot help my own children heal from whatever trauma they faced right now, I can endeavor to help your son."

"And Jamie's as well," John said, his voice low.

She met his eyes, "I think it is what he would want, do you not?"

"I do," John said, evenly. He studied her, carefully. "Are you worried that you have not heard from Jamie?"

She swallowed hard, "News takes months in these parts."

He nodded, "I would not fret."

She bit her lip, "Yet, I still do."

He reached to lightly touch her arm, "Jamie is more than capable of caring for the children, Eleanor."

She nodded, "I know that, but sometimes," she swallowed hard, "I fear..." she bit her lip, "It's silly."

"I am certain it is not," John said, his voice comforting.

"I fear that the children will see Claire more as their mother than myself...since she will have been with them. Rosie was so young when taken, Sam was older, but still very young. I am pretty sure Mac will remember me, but they are going to become attached to her." She twined her hands, anxious. "If she can help them, then of course, I am glad for it, but still...it hurts to think of."

"You are their mother," John said, "And she did take Jamie. It would be well within your rights to feel jealously."

She sighed and put her hand on her flushed cheeks, "Murtagh would tell me I am being ridiculous."

"And that would be insensitive to your very valid points," John countered. "You have to be allowed to feel, Eleanor. Of course, it would bother you. But once you are with the children again, they will take to you, I am certain of it."

"How are you so certain?"

"Just look at William," John said, "You spent the day with him and he is completely endeared to you, and that does not come easily for him."

"He is so much like Jamie," Eleanor whispered. "I don't just miss the children, I miss their father. I don't know if that makes me adulterous or what..."

He reached out and squeezed her hand. "It makes you human."

She allowed the tears to fall, her heart ready to burst with longing for her children and for Jamie. John just sat with her quietly, allowing her to feel, sensing she needed the quiet companionship. They sat there in the quiet for the longest time before Eleanor turned to him.

"I'm sorry for falling apart."

He smiled at her gently, "It is among friends." He repeated the same words she said to him a few weeks before.

She returned it, "Indeed, it is."

A/N: would love your thoughts. :)