A/N: Merry Christmas/Happy holidays a bit early! I don't anticipate posting again until after Christmas as there is SO much to do this time of year, especially with little ones at home.
As always, thank you SOO much for all who have taken the time to review. This chapter became soooo long! I'm more than a bit nervous to see the reaction to this chapter, but hopefully this all feels in line with the story and all of the characters. Hopefully people don't hate it...let me know what you think, good and bad!
Here we go...
Chapter 23:
William kicked his feet against the settee beside Eleanor as she knit while John read to them.
When he finished the chapter, Eleanor began her questioning of William, pushing him to think about the characters, their traits and motivations and in doing so, giving the young Earl a gentle, very subtle nudge to loosen his preconceived notion of class and character.
"Do you not think that two people from different backgrounds, different stations can have the same traits?" Eleanor asked, causally as she twisted around the yarn.
William frowned deeply as he looked to his Papa who gave him a small smile. "Well, I think you are very smart for a woman," he said.
She laughed, "Thank you, William, but I wasn't fishing for a compliment."
"Though she always welcomes one," John interjected, with a chuckle.
"Naturally, Lord John," she retorted and then grunted as she made an error and had to undo a line of knitting.
William looked between them, "I once knew I man who I thought was very honorable and strong just like Papa, but he was only our stablehand."
Eleanor paused, "Did you?" her voice was a whisper.
"I think we called him..." William paused, looking to John. "Mackenzie, is that not right, Papa?"
John cleared his throat, "That is correct, William."
Eleanor flushed, "Oh goodness, I have created quite the mess here." She unraveled several layers.
William looked over her shoulder. "Is it supposed to look like that, Madam Fitzgibbons?"
"No," She made a face at him.
William glanced at Lord John, "I think we need to get some clothes made for Madam Fitzgibbons' child," he said, seriously. "or the poor baby won't have anything to wear."
John stifled a laugh as he caught Eleanor's eye. "We can do that, certainly, William. But," he closed the book, "I think it is time for bed. Go on and I will check on you in a few minutes."
"Yes, Papa," William leaned down to give Eleanor a hug, "Goodnight, Madam Fitzgibbons."
She reached up to return the hug. "Goodnight, William. Sweet dreams."
He left them and Eleanor looked to John, who began to laugh. "Out of the mouth of babes," he said.
She couldn't help but smile. "Jamie could actually knit better than me," she said.
John raised an eyebrow, "Is that so?"
She giggled, "Yes, it was such a sight to see." She picked back up the small sweater and made another face.
"I wouldn't fret, Eleanor," John said, "I have already arranged to make sure the baby has what it needs just in case your knitting did not turn into anything useable."
Eleanor laughed more. "Oh, thank God. Do you not think of everything?"
"Well, as much as I appreciate the compliment, this was a rather obvious need," John said, dryly and Eleanor swatted at him.
"A letter?" Eleanor asked, "Finally!"
John took the letter opener and opened it, sitting down on the couch. He patted the seat next to him, "Come sit and stop pacing."
"Why did he address it to you and not to me?" Eleanor asked, sitting next to him. Her brow creased in worry as she shifted, her back aching. She reached around to rub it. "Are the children alright?"
"Eleanor," John looked up, "The children are well. Jamie said to tell you that right off."
"Then, what is it?" Eleanor bit her lip.
"Please be patient a little longer," John entreated. "I cannot read this properly with you questioning me ever other word. At this rate, we'll be here hours."
Eleanor reached for the cushion and hugged the pillow, leaning against it, trying to breathe. She felt her heart must burst as she waited for John to read through his portion of the letter. John reached out to gently touch her arm as he read, sensing her anxiety. And Eleanor was anxious. She had this feeling in the pit of her stomach, something was not right for Jamie to write to John and not her. He was trying to protect her from something, ease the blow of something. But what? If not the children, what could it be?
John's expression did not waver as he read through it, then folded it carefully and pocketed it. He left a sealed envelope on his lap.
Eleanor cleared her throat as she tried to ascertain his expression. "Did they make it safely to Scotland?"
"No," John turned towards her, "They are in the colonies."
"The colonies!" Eleanor titled her head, "Are they really?"
"Your home, is it not?"
"Yes, Virginia was my home," She nodded. "You are frightening me," she put her hand on her stomach where the baby was kicking her fiercely. "What is the matter?"
"I need to talk to you, Eleanor," He said, seriously, picking up the letter to hand it to her, "This is a letter from Jamie to you, but before you read it, Jamie asked me to reveal the contents to you, especially in your still delicate state."
"I see," she looked at him evenly, taking the letter, "How did they end up in the colonies?"
"Shipwreck."
"Oh dear God," Eleanor's heart froze, "Is everyone safe?" she gasped.
John's hand rubbed her arm, "Not quite everyone."
She swallowed hard, "Just tell me."
"It's Mr. Fitzgibbons," John said, his voice low. "I'm sorry, my dear. He did not make it with the others."
Eleanor's eyes grew wide as she jolted up, the letter dropping to the floor. "Oh my God."
She struggled to process the information, pacing around the room for a few minutes, before turning to John.
"I must check on William. He might need me help with the lesson I left him."
John went over to her side, "Surely, that can wait."
She shook her head, "I just cannot face this right now."
"Very well, whatever you need to do," He told her, his voice gentle, and allowed her to flee, before going and retrieving Jamie's letter from off the floor, keeping it safe for her.
"What is wrong with Madam Fitzgibbons?" William said, frowning after Eleanor excused herself from supper, after offering to read to William before bed, "She does not seem herself."
"She had some bad news today," John put his arm around his stepson. "You must be especially kind to her in these next few days."
"She did not say that she received bad news," William said, his frown deepening. "What kind of news?"
"Her husband has passed," John said. "I do not think she wishes to talk about it."
"She has helped me so much this past few weeks," William said. "I did not wish to talk about Mother either."
John nodded, "When she is ready she will talk about it, just like you will, when you are ready, William. I am here for both of you when you need it."
And as John said those words, he had the same thought came to mind that he had been mulling over all day- one solution to Eleanor's problems. He just could not anticipate what she would say to it.
Eleanor put the bookmark in the chapter of Gulliver's Travels. "We can read more tomorrow, William, but it is bedtime."
"Thank you for reading to me, Madam Fitzgibbons," William said.
"I love reading to you," Ellie said, "Put your feet in that bed and I'll tuck you in and put the mosquito netting up unless you are too old for such things."
"I do not wish to be too old," William said, honestly, "Mother would always do so, even when I said I was too old."
"That is because," Eleanor arranged the blankets, "Mothers always have a soft spot in their hearts for their sons."
"I'm sorry about Mr. Fitzgibbons," William said, "Papa said I shouldn't talk about it, but I wanted you to know."
Eleanor reached out to touch William's face, "Thank you, William. That means the world to me." She stood up and leaned over to give him a kiss on the head. "Sweet dreams."
"Goodnight, Madam Fitzgibbons," William said and turned over on his side while Eleanor put the mosquito netting up. She turned to see John standing at the door, tears in his eyes, moved by the scene he witnessed. Eleanor had brought out a different side of William- one that they had only seen glimpses of before.
She blew out the lamp and then went to John's side. He allowed her to exit the door, closing it behind him, tightly.
"May we talk?" she asked, her voice cracking.
"Of course," he nodded and took her by the elbow, leading her downstairs to the study. He gently eased her on the couch, Eleanor holding her belly.
"Is the child bothering you tonight?"
Eleanor nodded. "I do not feel very well."
John's brow creased. "Do you think your time is here?"
"I don't know," she said, but shifted again, her back aching. "I'm sorry I ran out on you this morning."
"Why did you?" John asked.
"I feel such guilt," Eleanor admitted.
"Whatever do you have to feel guilty for?" John asked, aghast.
"More than you can know," Eleanor murmured, but then said more clearly, "He was so good to me and I was so selfish." Tears fell rapidly. "He was such a good man. A friend to me from the very beginning. He was so steady with me. I cannot do this without him."
John scooted closer to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "He was an old coot."
"Of course, the worse," She sniffed hard, "But he stepped in for me in such an enormous way after Claire returned. What am I to do?"
John reached into his pocket to retrieve the letter, "You must read Jamie's letter, Eleanor."
She nodded. "I know. I just dread it." She dropped her head briefly on his shoulder before straightening and gathering her resolve.
"Would you like me to leave?"
She shook her head swiftly, "No. Please stay with me if you do not mind."
"Of course I do not mind," He nodded but backed away from her to give her space. She took the letter from his hand and ripped the seal open, unfolding it.
Dear Eleanor,
Forgive me for not writing sooner. We have been busy tending for the children, both their physical and emotional needs. They have grown in the past year, ye will hardly recognize our Rosie. The wee lads especially miss ye desperately and are counting down the days before ye return to us. I hope yer burden is not too heavy for ye as ye reach the end of yer confinement and that ye are safe with Lord John and Lady Isobel. We think of ye daily and pray fer yer protection and safety as well as fer the child ye bear.
By this time, John will have told ye the news about Murtagh. My heart is shattered, lassie, over Murtagh's passing as I am sure yours is as well. Ken that he was fond of you to the very end. We had discussed the possibility of one of us not making it and his greatest wish was that ye remain under the protection of myself and Claire as we raise our bairns together. Mo ghraidh, I need ye here. Ye are an irreplaceable member of my family, of my clan. Claire and I have decided to stay in the Colonies, in your homeland. We have land in the wilderness of North Carolina and when ye are able, we wish ye to travel to us. The children are desperate to see ye and to meet their brother or sister. Ken that the child will be raised as one of ours. It is my vow to you, mo ghraidh. Come to us and let us care for ye.
Mac has enclosed a letter for his beloved mama. He has been working hard on his letters. I ken that it will brighten yer day as much as it did us all to think of ye reading it.
Your humble servant,
James Fraser
She handed the letter to John with a nod for him to read it and then looked at the letter from her eldest, dissecting every detail of the drawing and writing and then holding it against her chest.
"Do you think that Claire knows the hold you still have over Jamie?"
She turned to John and let out her breath, "He feels guilty."
"He loved you, Eleanor and he still does."
"Please, don't," Ellie retorted, "I cannot think about it and do what I must."
"What must you do?"
"Return to them. See them build a life together. Fergus and Marsali. Jamie and Claire. Somehow raise this child and hold onto hope when that has quite alluded me lately. Try to pick up the broken pieces of whatever trauma my wee ones faced. Good Lord, it all seems impossible. The Carolina Wilderness..." she frowned. "That is so out of my comfort. I wanted to return the children to Lallybroch."
"They should have consulted you," John said, his voice low.
Eleanor winced, "Yes, I agree. It is perfect for Jamie though. I can see why he would want to." She sighed and shifted again, unable to get the pain to subside. "If it was Jamie and I...I would go to the ends of the earth for him, but if I am not doing it with Jamie..." she paused, "I suppose all of this doesn't matter. I must go."
"There is another option," John said quietly. "Perhaps, preferable to you and your broken heart."
"What option is that?" Eleanor rubbed her back which was starting to crescendo in pain.
He met her eyes, "You could marry me. Isobel had property in Virginia. We'll take all of the children there and raise the lot of them...after the appropriate amount of time has passed."
Eleanor's mouth opened up in surprise, but was unable to say anything.
"Please tell me you are not offended by the offer."
"Offended?" Eleanor's voice cracked, "Of course, I am not offended. I am..." she looked at him in wonder, "I just don't understand."
"It seems like the most honorable thing to do at the moment. And you make me want to strive to be honorable, Eleanor."
"John," Eleanor shook her head at him, "You are the most honorable man I know. I have nothing to do with that."
"I thank you," John said, looking at her, his mouth turned in amusement at her shock. "Do you really think this is all that shocking?"
"Well, I don't know," Eleanor murmured, frowning, "I just don't think you know really what you are asking for."
"I realize it will be not a dull life..." John said, "And then of course, with the children."
She couldn't help but smile at him. "I'm glad you find me entertaining, but still..." She tried to find a comfortable position on the couch. She shifted again, wincing in pain this time. "Raising five children will be..."
"Lively?" John supplied for her.
"Chaotic," She titled her head, "It is not something to take lightly, especially when..." she paused, moving again to try to ease the pain in her back.
"Do not mistake me, I do not take it lightly, Eleanor. This is not something I thought on a whim. It has been with me all day."
"It's a very kind and tempting offer," Eleanor swallowed, "but I would not be your friend if I said yes."
"What do you mean?" John asked, studying her.
"I know about..." she bit her lip, "I mean, I think you know I know."
"Know?" John titled his head, questioning.
"From the conversation in Edinburgh we had about Jamie...about you seeing yourself in me...though Jamie would never betray a confidence to confirm what I know. Or I think I know." Her hand moved back to her stomach. "About...everything." She swallowed hard. "I don't care. I just...do you understand why I am surprised and why I cannot accept?"
"I see," John nodded, seriously, "I will not deny it, but I was a respectable husband to Isobel and I will be to you too."
"I know you were and I know you did love her. And it doesn't truly matter...I've had passion with two men that I have loved and Murtagh and I...I mean obviously... " she shrugged. "I do not doubt you, John. I doubt that this is the right course for you. And I care too much for you to say yes."
"Eleanor," John looked at her earnestly, "It isn't as if I can..." he paused. "I cannot put this delicately. My family knows nothing of my...inclinations...and the law, well, it is quite clear on the point. I will not deny that it who I am, but if you have known for years and still you accept me as your friend, and this is the offer I am making you with all sincerity of what I wish, then how can you doubt my word?"
"I just wish the best for you as well..." Eleanor said.
"Do you truly not think I know my own heart and mind well enough to know what is best for me?"
"All that aside," Eleanor frowned. "if you feel like you must marry again for whatever reason, you should choose someone closer to your station. Your brother is a Duke."
John gave her a disbelieving look, "Considering your conversations with William of late, I cannot believe you would think that and if you think that of me, then perhaps this is a foolish idea."
"John," Eleanor's voice was weary as she heavily shifted again. The pain started to strengthen again...
"I disagree whole heartedly. You are remarkable in so many ways. We are well suited to each other. I have cherished these months together."
"I have as well, more than you know," she said, in a low voice, "But regardless, I just don't think I can take Jamie's children away from him. I am not heartless. And I cannot bear to be apart from them."
"We can split time between North Carolina and Virginia," John said, "I do not know the particulars, but I have thought of this all day, Eleanor, since you have received the news this morning. I will not see you brokenhearted again. And if there is any one who can help you navigate through these waters with Jamie, it is I."
"I do not doubt that," she whispered, "but you do not have to fix my messes. It lies with me and me alone."
"You have done nothing wrong."
"Oh, John, I have done everything wrong," Eleanor swallowed hard and stood, "But maybe, may we discuss this later?"
"Of course," John rose. "When do you wish to discuss it?"
"Maybe..." Eleanor leaned over, breathing heavily as pain gripped her, "After I have this child? Would that work?"
John's eyes grew wide. "Are you certain?"
She nodded, "Do you think you could help me upstairs?"
"Of course," he said as he began to help her towards the door.
She bit her lip, "I don't know if I can do this without Jamie."
"If there is one wish I would have for you," John said, "is that you would realize the strength you have within. For we all see it...daily. Please stop doubting yourself. Will you try?"
She nodded. "I will try."
The next day, John stood outside Eleanor's door, pale faced and twisting his clammy hands. Willie came up beside him, "Papa, is she going to...?" He winced as he heard another scream.
"No, I'm sure not," but John's face paled further. "They are tending to her now. They have aided in childbirth before, but if only there was a bloody doctor available."
Another cry- full of agony. It was lasting far too long.
Jamie, help me!
"Who is she calling for?" William asked, frowning.
"I'm not quite sure," John said, but he knew precisely who she was calling for- she had for the past hour- and his heart again lurched. "Why don't you go outside for a bit of fresh air? This could last for hours longer and it is still bloody hot in here."
Willie looked at the door, frowning. "I did not want to like her, Father. She was here when Mother was not. But I do," Willie straightened his shoulders, "I like her."
John reached over to squeeze William's shoulder. "I know precisely how you feel. I felt the same way at first when I met her many years ago."
More screaming, this time getting weaker. Willie's face showed his horror, "Papa, you must do something."
"Do not worry, son. Eleanor will be fine. Go outside for that walk, please."
William looked reluctant, but John's face had turned stern and he obeyed without any further protest.
John looked towards the door. He felt so helpless and uncertain of what to do. The door creaked open and Susanna came out with a basin.
"Your excellency," she curtseyed.
"How is Madam Fitzgibbons?" John inquired.
Susanna looked worried. "I cannot say fer certain."
"What does the midwife say?"
"She does not know how this will end," Susanna said, her voice low.
John's heart dropped as he grew very still, "Is she in danger?" his voice quivered.
Susanna nodded. "She senses it. She will not calm."
John took a breath, squared his shoulders, and stepped towards the door. He reached his hand out and twisted the doorknob, pushing it open.
Eleanor took one look at him from her perch on the bed and began to sob. Her hair was damp from exertion, hanging loose. Her face was unbelievably drawn and pale. She had the sheet pulled up to give her some sense of modesty, but he could tell she had reached the end of her tolerance.
"Your excellency. You should not be in here," the midwife grunted.
"Oh, thank God, John," Eleanor reached out her hand for him. "You must tell Jamie...you must tell him for me. Will you tell him?"
He glanced at the midwife who shrugged.
"My dear Eleanor," John went to sit on the bed next to her. "Tell me what I can do to help ease this."
"There is nothing to be done," Eleanor's voice shook, "I am going to die today."
"No, sweetheart." He soothed.
"I do not wish to die alone."
"You aren't going to die. Take my hand," John reached for her hand, squeezing it. "You are not alone any longer."
"I'm scared."
"I know, but I am here now," He looked towards the midwife. "Why is this taking so long?" he demanded, taking full command of the situation.
"It is not abnormally long, your excellency."
He turned to Eleanor with raised eyebrows, a signal for her opinion on the matter.
"This is my six child, John. Starting with Sam, they have come quickly. Something is not right. I can feel it. I am not being theatrical. I feel it."
John squeezed her hand, gripping it tight, as she began to cry out in another pain. He did not even know what he said to her, but the words came out, low and soothing as he reached for a cloth to began to blot her head. The pain subsided and he turned again to the midwife.
"If there is something wrong, I insist that you tell us now," John said.
"The baby is breech," The midwife said, her voice low. "It is why it is taking so long."
"Oh God help me!" Eleanor cried. "I need Jamie! He swore to me. He swore it to me."
"He swore what to you?" John asked his hand still clasped in her. "What is it? What did he promise you, sweetheart?"
"He swore an oath to me that he would be with me when I died. I cannot face this without him!"
John leaned down and got into her face, "You are not dying tonight, Eleanor Fraser. Do you hear me?"
"It is my punishment," Eleanor sniffed, "I was such a damn fool. God, why was I so stupid?"
He glanced at the midwife, who signaled to the other ladies in the room. "We will get some more water and be back in a few minutes," she said, softly, "Try to calm her. There will be no hope if she does not calm." She left, clicking the door behind her.
"It's hot," Eleanor swallowed hard.
John blotted the cloth with more water, putting it on her head. "Unbearably. Wretched country."
"Yes," Eleanor chuckled. "Thank you for coming in here. I know this is not proper. I am shocked you would do so."
"I am a bit surprised myself." John admitted. "But truth be told, I simply could not bear to hear your cries for one minute longer without me trying to comfort you. I had to send William out. He is besides himself."
Eleanor looked distraught, "I'm so sorry. I did not think. I should have been quieter."
"No, you have the right to scream," John said. "This is an awful business."
"Yes, it is."
"Now," John asked, his voice was low and his tone gentle. "Will you tell me what happened, Eleanor? Why would you think you are being punished?"
Tears fell, "I shouldn't have gone to him. I knew it was foolish, but Murtagh insisted that I try."
"Gone to Jamie?" John frowned. "When was this?"
"On the ship," Eleanor's eyes became distant, "You will not think me the same to hear this story."
"Yet, I wish to hear it. Will you tell me?"
She nodded. "I will tell you," she bit her lip as she launched into her story.
9 months earlier:
"Ye must go to him, Ellie," Murtagh entreated. "He is goin to get himself killed."
"You are his godfather," Eleanor said. "If he will not listen to you, who will he listen to?"
"Listen to me," Murtagh gripped her arms, "I made an oath to Ellen Fraser that I would do everythin in my power to keep her lad safe, even if from himself. I need ye to go to him and try to reason with him."
"His wife is dead," Eleanor said. "What am I to say to him?"
"Ye healed his heart once before, ye can heal it again."
Eleanor yanked herself away from him, "At what cost to me?" she cried. "I cannot."
"Ye must," Murtagh said, staring at her. "I dinnae ken what he will do if he doesna see reason. Ye must remind him of the reason we are here to begin with. Eleanor, I need ye to go to Jamie, now. I willna judge what happens between ye and him. And if it ends with ye deciding to let go of our handfasting vows, then I will be glad fer ye."
She swallowed hard, "I cannot, Murtagh. It is too much."
"Ye must."
"Are you commanding me to?"
"Aye," Murtagh was resolute, "If that is what it takes- ye are as stubborn as he is."
She sniffed and wiped at her eyes, "Fine. I will go sweet talk the Captain."
"Thank ye," he nodded at her.
She shook her head at him and stomped off.
Later the door to the cabin that Jamie was locked in, pushed open. "I will give ye the time ye need, Mistress Fitzgibbons. When ye are ready, ye can knock and the guard will let ye out."
"Thank you," she said. She stepped into the cabin and the door closed behind her.
Jamie was sitting on the bed, his head in his hands. "What are ye doin here?" he said, gruffly.
She crossed her arms, "It isn't like I want to be here, James. Murtagh basically commanded me here."
Jamie laughed, "Aye, I am sure he did. Go away."
She stared at him, her temper sparked, "Well, now that I am here, I really don't feel like leaving at your command. Go here. Go there. Do this. Do that. Damn you stubborn Scots. I think I will stay for a while."
She went to sit on the chair at the table in the cabin.
"Suit yerself, lassie," Jamie said.
They both sat in stormy silence for what seemed like forever, Eleanor getting more and more worked up.
She began to tap her fingers against the table, "Do you know what pisses me off the most, James Fraser?"
He lifted his head, his eyes stormy, "What is that?" he growled.
She rose. "You don't give a damn about the fucking reason we are here to begin with! Getting yourself locked up! I'm sorry about Claire, truly, but we have three children that were kidnapped and are God knows where. Get your crap together, Fraser. You selfish, awful bastard...I hate you so much right now!"
Jamie jumped up and lunged towards her. "Don't you dare speak to me like that."
She laughed, "I don't think you can stop me."
He grabbed her and pushed her against the table. "Say it again, Eleanor."
"What are you going to do?" she said, recklessly. "I am not your wife anymore. It isn't like you can beat me into submission again."
His eyes grew dark. "That was uncalled for."
"Uncalled for?" Eleanor scoffed. "Do you know what is uncalled for? You throwing a temper tantrum and ending up in here. Do you not even care? They are our children and how are you going to help them in here, Jamie? Did you never love them to begin with? Was it all about her?"
He reached to roughly grip her face, "Dinnae say that."
"I do not think you loved us. At all."
"Damn ye, woman. Ye chose fer us!" his voice was strangled.
"I didn't think I had a choice. I did it for you!" She retorted.
"We were husband and wife fer five years, Eleanor! Five years. And ye made it seem like nothin."
Eleanor's lip trembled. "It was nothing compared to the great love you had for her! It's always been about her."
"It has not always been aboot her!" He responded, by pulling her face to his, kissing her roughly.
She yanked herself away. "I will not."
"Do ye not want me? Maybe it is ye who did not love me."
She closed her eyes, trying to stop the tears that now were threatening to erupt. Her body shook with anger, despair, passion...she tried to hold in her emotions. But she couldn't.
"God, James Fraser, I think I will want you and love you until the day I die." The words came out as a sob.
Jamie stilled. They stared at each other for the longest time, Jamie now shaking as well.
When the words came out, they were a whisper. "I'm verra sorry, mo ghraidh. Truly."
She began to cry, the tears streaming down her cheeks. "I did not want to fall in love with you. Do you remember?"
"Aye, I ken." He went to her and pulled her into him, leaning his forehead against hers, breathing in her scent. "I canna get myself out of this...despair. When she was away...she was alive...and now she is gone forever. And ye...ye are gone to me as well. I destroyed our family."
She shook her head, "No, my love. Our family will be whole again. We will see to it."
"But will I?" Jamie asked, rubbing his forehead against hers, his breath against her. "I have to be able to feel hope. I canna feel any hope. It was like it was before."
She reached to put her hands on his face, cradling them. She lifted his face so he could look in her eyes.
"Do not despair. There is always hope, Jamie. You'll find it again."
"I cannot."
She swallowed hard, her eyes still on his, and then reached to put her hand against his chest. "Your heart is beating fast," she murmured. He put his hand over hers, capturing it in his.
"Mo ghraidh."
She nearly melted at the tenderness in his voice and his hand over hers. She stood there with him, feeling the beat of his heart beneath her hand.
"Sometimes," she whispered, "I want to believe it wasn't real...so it would hurt less."
Jamie made a guttural noise as the tears sprung to his own eyes. "But it was real."
The tears continued to flow down her face. "Was it? Was it truly?"
Jamie leaned to gently kiss them. Her heart ached, full of want for him.
His mouth moved to her lips, kissing her deeply, achingly tender. Then the kiss grew more insistent. Eleanor moaned and it was all it took for Jamie to scoop her up and take her to his bed, where his passion for her took over and she met him, with her own.
9 months later
"Oh my dear, Eleanor," John gripped her hand. "Of course, you gave way to him. You would have done anything to heal his heart again."
"I love him so."
"I know you do."
"I'm so ashamed. He was free to do what he wished, I wasn't. Not really. I just couldn't have him in pain and me not be able to get through to him," she said. "And it was like nothing had changed...for that one night." Another pain seized her and John longed to shield her from whatever was to come but felt completely powerless to do so. She gripped his hand tightly, trying to stifle the scream.
When it finally eased, he asked, "And what happened after that?"
She swallowed hard. "We were together for hours that day. I needed him that night as much as he needed me. Losing him and the children...it had taken its toll, but in that time with Jamie, it seemed like I could breathe again. But when morning came, he kissed my hand and told me that we couldn't do it again until things were settled...with Murtagh and I...and until we were married again. But he said that I needed to think of what I wanted. That we should wait until after we had the children. But then Claire came back and our choice was made."
"Oh Eleanor," John let out a breath.
"It served its purpose. Jamie was himself again after that night. I got him out of the abyss, but plunged myself back into it." She paused, "Do you think me to be awful?"
"Not in the least," he reassured her. "I think you responded with your heart. I'm just sorry it got broken yet again. I could throttle Jamie."
"Do you see why I cannot marry you?"
"I don't see it as a reason not to...I very much see it as a reason to," John said. "You cannot continue this back and forth with Jamie, Eleanor. It is a recipe for heartache...especially now." He paused. "The baby..." he asked, "Is it..."
"It's Jamie's." Eleanor whispered.
"How certain are you?" John asked, his voice tender.
"There is no possibility of it being anyone else's."
"I see..." John searched her eyes, "But Mr. Fitzgibbons referred to the child as his own."
"Of course he did," Eleanor sniffed, "Murtagh said it would go to his grave when Claire returned. He took me back like nothing had ever happened. But it did. And now I am being punished. He's dead and it should be me. I'm going to die tonight."
"No," John swallowed hard.
"What if she or he looks like him? Or like our other children? It might be best if I just die."
"You mustn't say such dreadful things," John's rebuke was harsh, "I refuse to let you die, Eleanor. I promised Jamie I would take care of you and I will not be the one to have to look upon him and tell him that you have died. Do you hear me?"
"I'm sorry," Eleanor whispered.
"No, dear," John's voice softened, "I am sorry. I was harsher than I wanted to be."
She gave him a small smile, "Sometimes I need that. Jamie would always have to come in and get in my face when I felt like I could not go on."
John smiled at her, "What can we do? You have done this before. Tell me a solution."
"I'm not sure," Eleanor swallowed. "If the baby is breach, I think it can be turned perhaps..."
At her words, John leapt into action.
North Carolina:
"What is wrong, Rosie, leannan?" Jamie murmured as the child refused to settle. He held her against him as she cried into his chest, screaming. Jamie spoke in Gaelic to her, trying to calm the poor lass down. He rubbed her back. "I wish yer mama was here. She always kens what to do, my love."
Mac came bounding outside. "What's wrong with Rosie?"
Jamie looked over and frowned, "I dinnae ken, but I ken what is wrong with Mac. Ye are supposed to be in bed." Jamie's voice was stern. "I canna have bedtime be such a battle with ye wee lads over and over again."
"Aye, but I canna sleep with Rosie hollering. Tis not my fault, Da!"
Jamie let out a long breath, "Where is Sam?"
"Claire is holding him," Mac said.
"Is he asleep?"
"I dinnae think so."
Jamie grunted and then shifted Rosie to one arm and held out his other for Mac. "Weel, climb up, ye wee rascal."
He climbed onto Jamie's knee and Rosie looked over at her brother, sniffling.
"Maybe we need to sing Mama's song. Do ye remember, Da?"
Jamie stilled. "Do ye remember that?"
"Aye, Da," Mac nodded. "She sung it all the time. I would sing it to Rosie and Sam when we were taken."
Jamie's eyes welled up with tears, "Oh, my lad," he whispered and then lean to kiss him on the head. "Aye, let's sing it fer Rosie now. Will ye help me?"
Mac nodded.
Jesus loves me this I know...for the Bible tells me so...Little ones to him belong, they are weak, but He is strong...
Later that night, long after Jamie had put a settled Rosie and Mac into bed, he sat on the steps of the small cabin that had just been completed, his head in his hands. He felt so unsettled.
Claire came out of the cabin and sat next to him. She put her arm around him, "What is it?" she asked, leaning her head on his.
"I dinnae ken," Jamie frowned. He pulled away to look at her, "I feel somethin in my bones. It's Eleanor. I canna help to feel something might not be right."
Claire frowned, "You are probably just worried since it is so close to her confinement being over."
"Aye," he rubbed his eyes, "Maybe so."
She titled her head, "Come to bed, Jamie. You are shattered."
"In a few minutes," Jamie said, kissing her. "You go on."
She left him on the porch and he buried his head in his hands.
"Lord keep her safe. Her and the child she bears..."
Jamaica
"You have to hold her down," Susanna said. "That is what she says."
Eleanor looked between John and the wrinkled African woman, who was speaking to Susanna in sharp tones.
"It will be painful," Susanna said.
John looked to Eleanor, who nodded.
"I'm sorry," John whispered.
"Shh, just tell her to do it," Eleanor said, "We have to act fast, it has already been too long. If it saves my life..."
John nodded his consent and then reached to pin Eleanor down as she screamed out in pain, gut wrenching screams that pierced him to his very core.
John knocked on the door and poked his head in, "They said I could come in again."
Eleanor gestured to him, "I am presentable...or good enough. I didn't want to make you wait. Come, John. Come see. Your goddaughter wants to meet you."
"My goddaughter?" John came in and sat on the bed next to her. "That is welcome news indeed." He leaned over to see. "I believe she looks like you."
"Yes, thank goodness, but she does not have hair yet, so we will not know what color it is. And looks change so much. But no matter what...I'm so grateful for her. And to you," She smiled at him, "You saved my life today."
"It was nothing," John said.
"You practically threatened everyone with imprisonment if they did not figure out a solution," Eleanor pointed out.
"Well, yes," John said, "But I may had been bluffing."
"You were very convincing."
"Naturally, in my work you must be so," John said, wryly.
"Well, regardless, remind me never to get on your bad side, your excellency," Eleanor said, shifting the baby. "Would you like to hold her?"
"Yes, I think I would," he said and Eleanor put the bundle in his arms, "She is so tiny. Is she healthy?"
"She isn't overly tiny. Babies always seem so when first born."
"Yes, I do think she looks like you," John studied her as the baby wiggled her hands in the air. John offered his pinky and the baby grabbed on to it, gripping it. "What is her name?" he asked.
Eleanor shifted as she rubbed her head. "I think I want to name her Hope."
"Hope," John smiled at her as he shifted the baby back in Eleanor's arms. "That's fitting, Eleanor. Well done."
"Thank you," she nodded. "I am stuck on a middle name though. I thought Emma because I have always liked it, but it doesn't quite go."
"Well, let me think on it," John folded his hands, deep in concentrated thought. He finally said, "What do you think of Emmeline?"
"I love it," She smiled at him, "It's perfect...Hope Emmeline..." she paused and then looked down at the baby, tears in her eyes. "I do not know what surname to give her. She is a Fraser, but she can never be one. And to give her Murtagh's name, it just seems wrong...knowing that he is gone and she isn't truly his. He would have loved her and if she grew up feeling that love, then it would made the lie worth it. But to make her his, it's like I am lying twice to her..."
They were quiet for a few moments as John contemplated her words.
"If you'd like," John's voice was low. "We could eventually..." he paused, "give her my surname."
She looked at him, her lip trembling, "Oh John." He had gone with her into the depths of darkness tonight, fought for her, and dragged her back from the edge. They were bonded, even more than before.
"Do you object for yourself or for me?" he asked, quietly.
"I do not object for myself," Eleanor said. "When I am with you, I feel like myself again. Or at least like I have the hope that I can find myself again." She paused, "But are you certain, John?"
He held out his hand and she reached for it taking it. He kissed it, "If there is one thing, I learned tonight, is that I cannot bear to see you in pain, Eleanor. Allow me to do this for you...and for myself and William for we need you as well."
"What if William looks to the others and sees the resemblance? It is more of his manner that reminds me of the others and certain physical characteristics so I do not think it will be for some time he will make the connection, but..."
"We cannot shield him forever. I wasn't planning on never seeing Jamie again. Our paths tend to cross when we least expect it. And one of your children is my godson and now Hope. We will figure it out as it comes. I am not overly worried."
"But will you be happy?" she said, her voice low.
"Happiness comes in many different ways, my dear Eleanor," John said. "I have been very happy these past few months and it was due to your presence- your friendship. You helped heal my heart and William's. Will you not us help do the same for you?"
"Jamie will not be pleased," she whispered, "It will get very complicated especially in regard to the children. We will have to take care to do this the right way for the children."
"Do not worry about Jamie Fraser," John said. "As for the children, we will not rip them away from Jamie. We can figure out a solution with that. I am certain. One that does not involve you having to watch every day Jamie and Claire forming a life together. At least think on it, Eleanor," he entreated, gently. "You should not give an answer until you feel certain...you must be so weary."
Her heart overflowed. He understood her so well. Actually, he always had.
"Hope Emmeline Grey," she said, softly, "I think it has a nice sound to it, do you not?"
"I do," he leaned to kiss her cheek.
"Please don't live to regret this," she murmured.
"I do not anticipate I will," John squeezed her hand. "You must rest though. You have been through quite an ordeal. When you are well enough, we will travel to North Carolina."
Eleanor's tears overflowed. "This means that the waiting is almost over."
"Tis so. You have been so very brave, Eleanor."
"I'm afraid I will have to be even more so in the days to come."
"I do not doubt it," He kissed her hand again, "You have an ally now, Eleanor. I will not let Jamie's needs triumph over your own. And when faced with trouble, we will rely on each other in the days to come just as we have on this day."
Her heart overflowed as her mind went back years ago.
"I told Jamie tonight that I think Isobel is lucky to have you."
"You do not know what you say."
"But I do," Eleanor said, quietly. "We have a saying where I come from- you are one of the good ones."
John swallowed hard, "Then I am delighted and humbled by your assessment of my character."
She smiled at him, "You will not say anything to James, will you?"
"Not a word," he assured her. "It's will remain between you and I." He pointed to his chest. "Locked in here. Quite safe, I assure you."
She had turned again, but this time John was the one that stopped her, "Eleanor."
"Yes."
"If," John stood, "you should ever be in need, I hope you know that you can rely on me." He did not know what compelled him to say those words, but he sensed they were important.
She smiled at him, "Sleep well, my Lord."
"Goodnight, Madam Fraser."
She stood there another moment, her eyes drawn to John's.
And as her mind returned to the present, holding her newborn daughter and quietly talking with John as they made plans, her heart for the first time in a long time was filled with peace...like she could actually do this. It would not be easy, it would be full of ups and downs...but for the first time in forever, she did not actually dread the future.
And she knew if there is any man who would be able to speak truth to Jamie, it was John. Murtagh, even with his fondness and gentleness towards her, did Jamie's bidding. In a choice between her and Jamie, he consistently made her yield to him. But the cost to her was always so great. Eleanor knew John's heart would always draw him to Jamie, but also in a way that would want to encourage Jamie to do right in his life...and by her. And if there was any man in this world that she respected the most, it was John...even surpassing Jamie these past few months.
She just hoped Jamie would come to understand...with time.
A/N: Next chapter...North Carolina. :) What will Jamie say?