A/N: So winter break has been really nice- lots of down time (and time to unwind by writing). This is all I have written so far, so updates may be more spaced out (especially as they came close together this month). Thank you all who have continued to review and to all who are lamenting the story direction, a flash forward for you...what does it mean? I don't quite know, but I am open to thoughts...
Strong T warning in this chapter...adult themes ahead.
4 years later:
Jamie took a deep breath as he tethered the horse. He had sent word ahead and John came out to greet him.
"Where is Eleanor?" Jamie asked.
"Distracted," John said, offering his hand. "Jamie, you look awful. What has happened?"
Jamie swallowed hard as he took his hand, squeezing it as he shook it, "They left." his voice was hoarse.
"Who left?" John asked, his forehead creased.
"Bree, Roger, the bairns..." Jamie took a breath, "And Claire."
John's eyebrows raised. "What do you mean...and Claire?" he asked, his hand still in Jamie's.
Jamie took a breath, "The bairn...she is not doin well...and Claire thinks Bree needs her. Given the dangers ahead, she thought it be best...I thought it best...I dinane ken who, but...they are gone and they willna come back," he turned his head, "I canna."
"Here," John tugged at his hand, then dropped it, "Come. We must talk."
"I canna..." Jamie shook his head. "She canna ken."
John's face grew white. "Yes, you must come. Come, let us talk. You do not have to see Eleanor or the children if you do not wish, but we must talk about this. We owe it to the children at least to."
"I dinna want this to disrupt yer life. Ye have a chiid, a marriage. If this complicates things even in Eleanor's heid, I dinna want that...that's not why I came. I just needed to see ye, John. I needed to be with a friend."
"Of course you were right to come, Jamie," John said, inclining his head, leading him away from the house into the grove. "And Ellie would also want to be that friend for you."
"But she canna," Jamie shook his head, "She eventually needs to ken, but right now it is too raw. And I dinna want her to...get inside her heid aboot is a marrit woman."
"My marriage to Eleanor is already complicated," John said, quietly.
"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, slowly.
"I love Eleanor. I love her dearly. More than I ever imagined. And it is a deep love, an abiding love. I cannot imagine my world without her in it. When I thought she was going to leave us, it tore my guts out, Jamie."
"I ken, I was there," Jamie responded. "I had a similar reaction."
"I remember. But..." he paused, "For the life of me, I cannot...I cannot shake it."
Jamie frowned. "What did ye do?"
"I did something rather foolish and I am reaping the consequences of it," John said.
"Ye dinna..." he titled his head.
"No," John let out his breath. "I have not broken her trust...but..." He let out his breath.
"Ye wish to," Jamie studied him.
"In the very worst way," John said, his face white. "I know that will anger you."
"No," He shook his head, "I have no right to judge, especially since I have spent the past five years...married and in love with one and verra much drawn to another. She ignored it fer as long as she could, but this with Bree and the war coming soon, it gave her the excuse..."
John titled his head, "Come." He sat down in a quiet spot by the brook, leaning against a tree. "Let's sit, here" he said, his voice low. "We'll talk through this together like we always do..."
Jamie sat as well. "As trusted friends."
"Yes, as trusted friends," John nodded.
Four years earlier:
Eleanor gently adjusted the blanket around Hope in her crib.
"Is she settled for the night?" John had come up beside her.
"I think so. She is overly tired. It has been a day." She kissed her fingers and then put them on the baby's forehead. "Do you think Jamie and Claire are okay with the others or should I try to go tuck them in?"
"I think considering tonight is our wedding night that you should not cause the servants and the other guests to talk. It could draw unwelcome attention to your and Jamie's history."
"Of course, I did not think," Eleanor swallowed hard. "I...I mean...Do you think...people don't believe that this is genuine? Did I do something wrong?"
"I do not doubt that they do think it is genuine," John's voice was reassuring, "You were charming today. I would not fear, Eleanor. But...we both have roles to play here. You are now my wife...my partner."
"Your equal?" Eleanor looked at him, mischievously.
John snorted, "Hardly, not in this century, my dear."
Eleanor titled her head, "In this house?" she challenged.
He met her look, amused. "In this house, I will acknowledge the wisdom that you bring to our union...and you bring it in spades, Lady John."
Eleanor blushed, "That will take some getting used to. You are going to have to help me."
John titled his head, "Come away. We do not want to wake Hope with our talking."
"Let me just..." Eleanor reached for her gown and her hairbrush and the box that held her hair pins. "I'm sorry, I should have gotten ready. I did not think you would be up so soon."
He put his fingers to his lips and gave her a look of warning. He gestured with his head. She followed him through the adjoining doors to the small sitting room and across to his bedroom. He had paused before entering and gestured for her to go first. She went in and then tossed her gown on the bed and her brush and box of pins on the side table. Her movements were not as relaxed as they had even been in the room with Hope.
"Eleanor," John's voice was patient. "You look anxious."
"May I be..." She paused, searching for the correct word, "presumptuous?"
"When have you not?" John said, dryly. "From the moment, we have met you have not held back...even when propriety had dictated it. But clearly, I understand the reason for that now."
"That's my point, with Jamie, it didn't matter. We were in the Highlands. I was different because I was from the colonies. We are in the colonies now so I cannot use that as an excuse for being different any longer. And I'm married into...well, your family...I mean your brother is a Duke...so"
"You needn't fear my family."
"Even so, I am supposed to know things that I simply do not even after years in this century," she hugged her arms against her. "I felt lost today."
"Of course, I will help you," John approached her, "Please do not trouble yourself, Eleanor. I told you that I would help you acclimate. I have no doubt that you will excel whatever you put your mind to. And as I said earlier, you were nothing but charming today."
She bit her lip. "That's kind, thank you." She paused, "I think I should check on the children."
"Jamie and Claire have them."
"Are you sure I should not check on the children?" She asked. "I am their mother."
"You said your goodnights to them earlier. To go now, would look like you are avoiding bedtime." John said, putting a comforting hand on her arm, thankful she did not flinch at his touch. "Come, my dear, sit. You are just standing there in the middle of the room. You should make yourself comfortable. This is your home now."
"I'm sorry," Eleanor wrung her hands, but allowed John to gently lead her to sit on the settee with him.
"You do not have to apologize to me."
"I did not realize what the two months of separation would cause me to be so awkward around you."
"I did not foresee that either," John said, considering her, "we have many months of separation and you have always been at ease."
"Well, perhaps, this is uncharted territory between you and I, is it not?"
"Uncharted, but not unforeseen," John countered.
"I do not deny it," Eleanor swallowed hard, "Then, a drink, perhaps..."
John titled his head and stood went over to his side table. He shook the tumbler. "Empty."
Eleanor raised her eyebrows. "That is so unlike you, Lord John," she laughed in spite of herself.
John grinned. "But do not despair, my Lady. I think I had the supplies I had on hand downstairs for our guests," he gestured to her. "Why don't you change? Would that help?"
"Whisky, Lord John." Eleanor suggested. "That would help."
"Very well, Eleanor." He gave her one more reassuring smile before headed downstairs in search of provisions.
"I'm sorry," John stopped in his tracks. "I did not know you would be here."
"No, I'm sorry," Jamie said, standing with his whisky. "We had just finished tucking in the wee uns and Claire is reading one more story to Mac. He was quite insistent. I told her I would get her a drink."
"Of course, you are welcome to," John said. "I was actually looking for the same. It seems that I am out in my rooms."
"Is Hope asleep?"
"Yes, the little one was quite exhausted from all the festivities," John nodded, reaching for the whisky.
"Dinnae do that," Jamie advised. "Eleanor cannot hold her whisky. Brandy, maybe...Wine. One glass."
"That's right, I knew that," John reached for the brandy. "She wanted whisky."
Jamie's eyebrows raised significantly, "What have ye done, man?"
"I have done nothing," John glared at him, "Only invite her away from her room and into mine."
Jamie chuckled and looked amused.
"There is nothing amusing about this, Fraser," John countered. "Do not take pleasure in my wife's anxiety."
"Forgive me, I dinnae mean..." Jamie said. "How anxious is she?"
"Well, more so than I have anticipated, considering she is a mother of six, and this is her fourth marriage," John said, dryly.
Jamie frowned. "Eleanor is a sensitive soul. Ye have to get inside that heid of hers. Coax her into telling ye what the matter is. She is worried about something specific when she gets that way. Once ye address that, she might be jittery, but tis to be expected. Even if she has been marrit before, ye are new to her."
"Of course, I'll try to deduce what the matter is." John said. "I did not mean to sound so unsympathetic. Has she said anything to you?"
"She wouldna say," Jamie said, "as she kens I had my reservations, but it is done now unless ye want to annul based on non-consummation," Jamie said, lightly.
"I assure you that will not be a problem," John retorted, shaking his head, wearily. "You cannot shake her, can you?"
"The babe has red tufts of hair coming in," Jamie said. "Perhaps she marrit ye out of shame, but it is my shame to bear, not hers."
John shook his head again, "She told me ages ago that the baby was yours, Jamie. There is no shame betwixt Eleanor and myself."
"She told ye that?" Jamie looked angry. "She told me that she had no way of knowing."
"Of course she did," John said, "What would you expect her to say? Murtagh knew as well. Hope is yours as much as Mac is or Sam or Rosie or Willie for that matter. But like Willie, she must never know that she is yours. We can explain away the rest, but not Hope. And if you have ever loved this woman as you say that you do, you will never approach her about Hope's paternity. And for God's sake, do not tell her I told you."
"Of course, I will not," Jamie said, his anger turning to weariness. "but that is an awful weight to drop on yer wedding night." He paused, "I cannot say I did not deserve it though. I was beastly just now."
John's face softened, "Allow her to try to be happy. I cannot give her you, but I will make sure she wants for nothing, physically or emotionally."
Jamie nodded and then said in a low voice, "In Eleanor's time, women married fer love. They could have relations with men outside the marriage bed, but Eleanor's faith kept her pure until she was marrit. She sees it as special. She cares for ye, John. If she feels that she will never be able to provide ye what ye have a right to beyond obligation, she will rather shrink away then to disappoint. She kens well that she is working against what yer inclinations are to begin with. She kens she canna truly please ye in this area. It must be weighing on her if she is anxious."
"Then, I will do my best to dispel her anxiety."
"She is not like Lady Isobel...she will come around...if ye wish her to. And maybe that is what she is worrit aboot. She dinnae wish to force ye into something ye dinnae want."
"Of course, she has not coerced me into anything," John said. "Why would she think that?"
Jamie shrugged. "Eleanor overthinks thing in that bonny wee heid of hers. Always has...and I believe she always will."
"I just hate to see her so anxious."
"Eleanor spends her life anxious," Jamie countered. "Ye best get used to it."
"Then I will endeavor to soothe her whenever needed."
"Of course, I never thought otherwise," Jamie said, "I'm sorry fer..."
"Think nothing of it," John said. "We are all human here and it has been a long day."
"Brandy not whisky," Jamie reached for the whisky, "I will take this fer myself and Claire if ye dinnae mind."
"Help yourself," John said.
Jamie reached for the tumblers. "If ye wanted to have a marriage of convenience, Eleanor might be up for that."
"I can be authentic with Eleanor and still have a proper marriage. She deserves the best of me."
"And ye of her. Dinnae forget that," Jamie said. "Remember, what ye told me all those years ago?"
John gave a small smile, "I remember. I thought if I had that mutual give and take, that things could be different, bearable."
Jamie nodded and turned to leave, but stopped when John called out.
"What did make you change your mind, Jamie? About granting your blessing? i never did ask."
Jamie turned back, "I heard her laugh again...with ye. Do ye remember what ye said about her laugh?"
John gave a small smile, "That it could heal the most weary of souls."
"She did not laugh anymore since Claire came back. Now like she did before. And I ken in that moment, that she and ye...there was somethin special there too." Jamie teared, "I dinnae think..." his voice cracked, "I dinnae think that I could stand in her way...even with the bairns to consider."
"I will treasure her, Jamie," John said. "In spite of everything...I will treasure her for the gift I know she is. I swear to you on my honor as a gentlemen."
"I dinnae think otherwise." Jamie stepped towards him, "Go and let her bury her head in yer chest. Let her tell ye what is vexing her. And she'll be weel. Ye will too for that matter." He went and left without another word.
"You have not changed," John chided when he entered back into the room. Eleanor was still on the settee, leaning over, her elbows on her knees, her hands covering her face.
"I managed stockings," Eleanor offered.
"I suppose that is something," John studied her, "You look worse than when I left you. Won't you tell me what is wrong?"
Eleanor straightened and looked at him, her look tortured.
"I coerced you into marrying me," Eleanor began to cry. "You deserve someone who can make you happy and I cannot."
"Eleanor, my darling," John put the decanter and tumblers down and went over to sit down and to pull her against him. "Do not be so foolish. I simply do not do anything I do not want to do. And may I remind you that all of this was my idea from the start?"
"I feel like I have been completely selfish."
"Selfish in the fact that you are helping me to raise my son? Selfish in the fact that I am need of a wife. It is so bothersome for me to be the most eligible bachelor in these parts. You have spared me from much grief, Eleanor, let me assure you.
"But I care enough about you to know that you will never look on me..." she paused, "I do care for you. You are such a good friend to me. I want you happy."
"As do I for you," John said, calmly. "I care for you, Eleanor. Am I attracted to you?" he pulled her away and lifted her chin, "I am drawn to you in so many other ways. And this is not disagreeable to me."
"We can have a marriage of convenience and you can stray, John. I will not judge you."
"Good God in heaven, woman," John titled his head, disapprovingly, "what has compelled to bring this up after the fact?"
"Guilt."
"Very well, let's discuss this rationally," John said, his voice calm. "But you will hold my hand as we do."
Eleanor nodded and John reached for her hand. He ignored her trembling, but kissed her hand and then held it on his knee.
"Now then, my dear. What would be the terms of our arrangement?"
"You can do whatever you wish."
"And you?"
Eleanor shrugged, "This isn't about me."
"If it is an agreement...indeed, a marriage betwix two people, then it would suffice to say that it is very much about both interested parties. Would you not agree?"
"Yes," Eleanor looked distressed. "Of course."
"Your terms then?" John pressed.
"You provide some steadiness and security for the children...be their stepfather, like you are for Willie."
"Of course, that goes without saying," John said. "I was asking specifically about you. What would be your benefit in this arrangement?"
"Is it not enough for it to be about the children? Why do I matter?"
"Because I entered this union for you..." John countered.
"Not for Jamie?" Eleanor's voice caught.
"No," John said, firmly, "So, I am determined that you will be equally considered in any arrangement we seek to be arranged. Will you stray in this agreement?" he asked, evenly. "Take on a lover perhaps?"
She looked at him, incredulously, "There are five children that are under our care. How on earth would I take on a lover?"
"Far too easily," John said. "You are a beautiful woman, Eleanor, with an interesting disposition. Given the right circumstances, which we could arrange, it would be not so far removed a possibility as you think at this moment." He paused, "it happens often."
"Apparently," Eleanor raised her eyebrows, "I know this sounds hypocritical given the child sleeping in the other room, but I just cannot fathom that, John. That time with Jamie has tortured me...to do that as just a regular thing one does...it's not me and I cannot lose who I am...what I believe to be fair and just."
"And yet, you offer it to me?" John chided, gently.
"I will not judge you though..." She said, softly.
"It's not about that," John said. "I desire to be fair and just as well...to you. You have spent far too long putting others needs ahead of your own. If you cannot fathom that possibility, then there is no deal to be made," he said.
She paused, letting the weight of his words, sink in. She swallowing hard, "I'm sorry, John."
"For what?" he squeezed her hand.
"For not being the steady one at the moment. For being afraid...and using my fear to draw away. I'm afraid it is something I do often."
"You do not have to apologize to me for being afraid, Eleanor. Nor do you have to be the steady one for us. I know my own mind and my own heart. I know what I am capable of and what I am not. Isobel never gave me a chance. I tried. God, I did. It wasn't my choice- not to produce in heir."
"I did not realize you wanted it so."
"Yes, I did," John said. "What are you afraid of?" his thumb rubbed her hand.
She swallowed hard. "I do not want to disappoint you. I care very much for your good opinion of me. And I want to give you everything you need from me and I do not know if I am enough for you."
He smiled at her, "Thank you for telling me that. I must confess," his voice was gentle, "I am afeared that I am not enough for you."
"Thank you for telling me that," She paused. "May I ask a question?"
"Of course, you may..."
"A delicate for this time one?" Eleanor pressed. "It will seem improper," she warned.
"Go ahead," John said, with a nod. "I will not be offended, darling."
She let out her breath. "Did you and Isobel..." she paused, "Were you intimate?"
"Yes, a few times...but Isobel found it..." John paused, "not to her liking."
"Yes, it can be..." Eleanor glanced at him, "more of a duty at times," she admitted. "And there is nothing I can imagine that makes you feel so..." she paused, "vulnerable. It can be frightening at first, especially if you are not prepared as I imagine she was not."
"I do not think she was," John said, his eyes far off, his hand still in Eleanor's.
"But then...when you connect with your partner in those deep ways...what I had with Will...and with..." she paused, trying to gather her emotions, which were splayed so openly across her face.
He looked at her gently, "And with Jamie," he prompted, his voice was tender.
"Yes, with Jamie, especially with Jamie," Eleanor said, "but even with him, I did not like it at first, but he persisted with me. And we found something...incredible." She paused, "the thing is...it wasn't always perfect, having children put a damper on things at times, but even in its imperfection, it was the way we could always return to each other... " She swallowed down the lump in her throat.
"She did not give us a chance for it to improve. And since she was so opposed to it, I did not wish to force her. I couldn't do that..." John shook his head.
"Did she know about..." Eleanor paused, trying to be delicate. "the truth of the matter?"
John shook his head swiftly, "No, I could never tell her that. She would have been horrified."
Eleanor's squeezed John's hand. "I truly wish you could have what I have seen...in my time."
"I know you do and it means so much for you to say that, my dear," John said, his voice gentle, "But I cannot dwell on that. I must move forward. This is what society...indeed the law, dictates. I think I can be happy...as your husband and you as my wife. The one I want...and the one you want for that matter, we can both never have him...so, anybody else...male or female...would be settling."
"So why not settle with a friend even if she is a woman?" Eleanor asked, wryly.
"Something like that," John mumbled, "But I do have to say it sounded better in my head."
She laughed, "I know what you mean though. We do not have to though, John. We can have a marriage in name only. I will not complain. At least then you can have satisfaction in some area of your life."
"But..." he titled his head, challenging, "Wouldn't you say there is more to life than carnal love? There is the love of..."
"Kindred spirits?" Eleanor offered, smiling.
"Yes, indeed. And I believe we are...from the moment we met, I felt it."
She smiled. "So, what are we to do?" Eleanor said.
"What do you wish?"
She swallowed hard, "I don't know...in situations like this...who is to know what is right?"
"Perhaps..." John swallowed hard, "in order to conform to the law...at least this once."
"Then, Lord John, are you falling into the same trap as you did with Lady Isobel?" Eleanor asked him gently.
"I see how this marriage will work," John kissed her hand, "you ask very hard questions, my dear..."
"As you do of me," Eleanor retorted. "And I need that from you."
He nodded squeezing her hand once more and then dropped it.
"May we try to forge a way?" John said, his eyes on her, "Even to prove to myself that I can...that I was not the one who failed my marriage...and I will not be the one to fail this one. I cannot bear it a second time, Eleanor. I must try. Will you let me? Will you not try with me?"
Eleanor nodded, twining her hands together. "Okay," she said, nodding seriously.
John looked at her, frowning.
"What's the matter?" Eleanor asked, alarmed. "What did I do?"
"Say very well, Eleanor, not okay. Jamie should have broken you of that habit, years ago. It puts you so out of place."
She blushed, "it's only when I am nervous...like I am now...that I revert to my twenty first century speak," Eleanor admitted. "I will be more discreet when amongst others. I promise."
"Very well," John nodded. He stood. "Will you not come to bed, Eleanor?" the hand he offered did not tremble and he was the very essence of steady in his nature.
She took a breath, took his hand and stood. "I know you must think I to be ridiculous as I have been married thrice before but I am nervous."
John pulled her into him and lifted her chin. "I admit to being surprised, but then I remembered, you were thrust into two of those marriages."
"And I was a virgin with Will," Eleanor said. "So that was the epitome of nerve wracking. I was so very innocent."
"Was that unusual in your time?"
"I wanted to wait...until I was married."
He smiled at her, "You are very sweet, Eleanor. Do you wish to take your hair down?"
She nodded and John handed her the box for her hair pins, his fingers brushing against hers as she did.
"Go on then," he prompted.
She gracefully moved to the dressing table. She carefully took down her hair as John watched her, him taking off his waist coat and lying it across the chair.
He cleared his throat as he undid his vest. "How was your first time?"
She looked at him in the dressing mirror, "Interesting."
He chuckled, pulling off his vest. "That was quite diplomatic."
She took another layer down and tossed the pin into the box, "Learning about love from a book is different than experiencing it and how everything...works." She released another layer.
"Indeed," he pulled out his shirt from his breeches and went to unbuckled and shrug them off along with his stockings.
"We were both inexperienced so it was a while before we worked everything out." She took out the last pin, releasing it.
He beckoned to her, "Come, dear. I'll help you with your dress."
She walked over to him.
"Turn around," he told her. She hesitated.
"What's wrong?" he asked, lightly.
She bit her lip, "Nothing." She turned around.
"Does not seem that way," John countered. He began to undo her buttons. "And your first time with Jamie? How was that?"
"Miserable," she retorted, bluntly.
John laughed, "That was far less diplomatic, my dear."
"He was a bear that night," Eleanor said. "He felt guilty over betraying Claire and he just wanted it over with. I have never known Jamie anything but honorable, but that night, he wasn't himself. He felt bad over it, I think he spent the next six months of our marriage apologizing. He would be horrified to know I am telling you this."
"I won't ever tell," John assured her as he pulled her dress over her shoulders, it dropping to the floor. "Oh great God in heaven," he murmured, as his fingers ran across her corset. "that is confounding."
Eleanor laughed at his reaction, her laughter, lightening the mood, considerably, "Imagine when I first had to wear it. That was such an adjustment. We don't have those bloody awful things where I come from."
"You poor dear," he said, "I did not realize that it was so constricting." He began to unlace them, loosening the corset and Eleanor was able to exhale fully for the first time that day.
Her shift billowed out as he laid the corset on a chair. "Is that better?" he murmured as he moved her hair to the side and kissed her neck, softly.
"Yes. Much."
He gripped her hips to turn her around, but she wiggled away from his grasp.
"I just...I have to know something else," Eleanor's face flamed. "Before we go any further..."
"Do you need not to look at me when you ask?" John asked.
"Yes. Perhaps that would be best."
"Very well, but I am not letting you draw too far away from me," he wrapped his arm around her waist and drew her against him, "There. Now, what do you wish to know?" He kissed her shoulder through the shift, trying to comfort her.
"You have...I mean...seen...I won't be the first..."
"First?" John asked, curiously.
"First woman that you have seen naked, right? Like in real life, not in books?" Eleanor asked, "Because...I...I really don't think I should be the first one...I don't want you to judge your experience with women or whether you find them pleasing as well based on me..."
John struggled not to laugh. He coughed, instead.
Eleanor paused, "Are you trying not to laugh at me?" she grunted.
"I'm sorry, Eleanor," John struggled to respond. "It's just...how would you suppose we could remedy this if it was so?"
"So, is that a yes? Or a no?"
"It's a...I'm not sure I want to answer you one way or the other," John retorted, "Just turn around so I can talk to you, please."
She turned around and gave him a scowl which caused him to chuckle more.
"Now then," he struggled to sober, his hands moving to gently rest on her shoulders, "I do not think it would sway my opinion one way or another...not that it truly matters, considering you are now the only person I will be with for the whole of my life unless you perish first..."
"Oh God, help me. Six children, John. Six. And I am almost forty. I'm frumpy and there are so many women who are more physically pleasing than I so...if you were ever confused with whether you were attracted to both men and women...I should not ever want to be the determining factor."
"Great God in heaven, when you finally do work up to speaking your mind, you certainly are blunt, are you not?" he asked, amused.
"Well, yes," Eleanor said, "one of my finer qualities..."
"Indeed," John leaned to kiss her forehead. "I did not realize you were so sensitive about all of that," John said. "You never struck me as one prone to vanity."
"Jamie had to...well, I could just tell him how I felt, when I felt that way...unattractive or fat or wrinkled or the fact my hair is getting grey...we had that relationship where I could be authentic with him and he would love me anyway. I was myself with him. He would tease me a bit, but if I was truly distressed, then he would take great pains to be reassuring."
"I wish that for us as well," John gently dropped his hands and stepped away from her. He went to pour her a glass of brandy. "Come and sit on the bed with me and have some brandy. We can talk some more about this. Do you want your nightgown? Would that make you more comfortable?"
She turned around and went to sit on the bed, which was already turned over for them.
"That's thoughtful, but no, I do not think it would make a difference. Oh, God," she let out a long breath, putting a hand to her flushed cheek, trying to rub down the heat. "Now I am mortified."
"Good Lord, you are a handful," John said. He climbed up on the bed with her, "Don't be embarrassed."
"But I am."
"And I am asking you not to be," He handed her the glass. "Drink it, Eleanor," he said, drinking his own.
"You find me amusing."
"Endlessly diverting, but that is not a new development," John retorted, "Have your drink, Lady John. It will make you feel better."
She began to drink the warm liquid, allowing it to soothe her. "Are you going to call me that often?"
"I think I will," John took another sip, "So we both can become accustomed to hearing it."
"I don't dislike it," Eleanor admitted.
"I'm glad," John smiled at her, "Tell me about your relationship with Mr. Fitzgibbons."
"Oh..." Eleanor let out her breath. "I don't know how to describe it."
"You do not have to divulge any information you do not wish to. I'm just trying to gather a portrait...from your perspective. I wish to understand you better so I can put you at ease tonight, but if it is too private, then of course, just tell me that."
"No, I don't mind," Eleanor said, looking at the amber colored liquid. "Maybe it would help to talk about it."
"When you are ready then," John said, reaching out to rub her knee through her shift. It was a comforting gesture, but he had taken great care all this time to make sure he used his touch to put her at ease.
"Well," Eleanor took another sip, "He was kind. I didn't deserve it."
"I am sure you did."
"No, I was a mess. My heart was so broken and he tried to help me pick up the pieces. He was surly, but never with me. There was a softness that came out. But then the children being taken. And he was Jamie's godfather, so there were times that I would be angry, he would have to literally force me into harmony with the others."
"With Jamie?"
"Yes, with Jamie. I know he thought he was doing what we best...for our family...but...in those times, it would put a strain on our own relationship. He was also so much older than me...I struggled with...being his wife. It was uncomfortable- I still felt married to Jamie and with Rosie being so young..."
She twirled the liquid around in her drink, staring at it.
"Did he force you to fulfill your marital duties?"
"Yes, while at Lallybroch, before the children were taken..." Eleanor let out her breath.
"Did he harm you?" John asked, his eyes studying her carefully.
"No, no, not like that," she said, quickly, looking back at him. "Things were...difficult...between us, but it wasn't entirely his fault...he tried. Jamie and I even had problems after Rosie's birth...it was my fault."
"Is that so?" John frowned, perturbed. "I wouldn't have thought..."
"Childbirth is a strain on a woman's body...I mean you saw...Hope's birth..."
"Ah, yes, I did," John reached to rub her face. "I don't think I'll ever forget that. Do you have concerns about tonight in that regard? You can tell me if you do." His fingers lightly tapped against her cheek.
She shook her head. "I feel fine...I mean...I think it should be...given certain arrangements..." she paused, taking another sip. "I'll tell you if it is not though."
"I should hope so," John declared.
"I just think he kept thinking it would get better...that I would get out of my head...like I would feel married eventually...so he tried to push us through. But other times, he gave me more grace than I deserved...especially after the children were taken. It is how I know Hope is Jamie's. If I could have just allowed myself to...I don't know...I was so in my head all the time. I have so much guilt, John. He deserved better than me."
John took her glass and put both of them onto the nightstand. "Would you permit me to hold you?" he asked.
She nodded and he moved closer and pulled her into his arms.
"None of this is your fault, Eleanor," he said, his voice low. "The children. Mr. Fitzgibbons. Hope. You cannot take the blame on all of your shoulders. We must all bear it together."
"You have no burden to bear."
John tightened his grip, "I am your husband now. I wish to bear the burden with you."
She buried her head in his chest, rubbing her head against his shirt. "I can't stop wanting him. It's like I see him and my heart tears in two."
"I know," John whispered, his voice strained.
"Did you notice Hope's hair?" she raised her head, "I had to come up with some stupid story about a grandmother with red hair."
"Regardless, she is...and always will be... well loved by everyone," John said, his hand on her face. "Nothing will change that."
She struggled not to cry at his sweet words. "Tell me what you wish."
He pulled her back into his embrace and wrapped her tightly in her arms. "Knowing what you have just said about Mr. Fitzgibbons, I want to make this clear to you, Ellie."
"What is that?" she sniffled.
"I will never force you to this. I did not force Isobel to my bed and I honor you as I did her. But...you can be yourself with me. You can speak your mind and you can be vulnerable. I will not...break our trust. I will leave it up to you to decide what kind of marriage you want."
She closed her eyes tightly. "You have become such a trusted friend, did you know that? My world feel so topsy turvy all the time and I look to you...and it steadies again."
"I'm glad for it," John's voice was hoarse. "Truly, honored with your trust, Eleanor...I always have been, even when I should not have been. In fact, there were times that I felt more closeness with you...my friend's wife, then with my own..."
"Truly?" She lifted her head to look at him, pulling away so she could see him.
"Yes, you are the only woman that can simultaneously invoke such frustration and tenderness towards...you get stubborn about things and I want to throttle your neck and then others, I am drawn to want to hold you close and make your world right again. It is a confounding sensation...especially for a man like I."
She looked him in the eyes for a few minutes, studying him.
He returned her gaze, searching her as well. "What is it?" he finally asked.
"Just..." she chewed on her lip.
"Go on," his voice was so kind.
"Just don't be repulsed by me," The words rushed out and in that moment John understood what she feared. His heart lurched for her. She had given to Jamie her heart and he had stomped on it...unavoidable, but now she was very much at his mercy. And given what she knew about him and where his heart laid, she was afraid.
"Repulsed by you? Is that what you fear?" John put both of his hands on her face, cradling it. When she nodded, he continued, "I am not repulsed by women, dearest. More indifferent...but regardless, I can assure you are the last woman on this Earth that I would ever consider repulsive. In fact, I am not indifferent towards you at all. I care for you more than I understand possible. I would never want you to feel anything but special...because you are, Eleanor. More than you know."
She swallowed hard. "What do you need me to do tonight...to make things better for you? I will do whatever you wish."
"I'm not sure," John rubbed her cheek with his thumb, "But we are both quite capable individuals so I am certain we will figure it out together."
"I'm scared you will hate it."
"Oh my dearest," he kissed her gently. "Do not fear so. Let's just sit here for a few moments together."
She nodded. "I'd like that."
He looked at her for the longest time, his eyes on her, them both needing the quiet comfort of each others company. And then he went to kiss her again and reached for the tie of her shift as he did.
"Are you finding your courage, my Lord?" Eleanor gave him a small smile.
"Are you finding yours?" John countered. He gestured to his shirt and she moved to sit on her knees, her shift falling to pool around them. He offered his hand and she leaned up so he could move it out of the way.
"Don't look at me," Eleanor said, her face flaming. "Maybe we should snuff out the lights."
"I don't wish to snuff them out," John said, his voice calming. "Don't be embarrassed. I think you are the loveliest woman I have ever seen."
She snorted before she could help it, "That settles it then. I'm the only woman you have ever seen."
"Wouldn't you like to know?" John quipped. "You are neglecting your duty, Lady John. Go on."
She sat up further on her knees to slide fingers to the hem of his long shirt, her eyes never leaving his.
He gestured with his head and then smiled at her, a reassuring grin. She laughed. "Arms up."
He lifted his arms up and she pulled it over him, before tossing it to the end of the bed. "Duty fulfilled. May we go to sleep now?"
He chuckled at her, "There is the Eleanor I am accustomed to...and no, not yet," he raised an eyebrow.
"Oh very well," she ran her fingers against his chest and then paused, looking at his scars. "John. What in the world?"
"Battle wounds."
"Solicitors or Ministers," she raised an eyebrow. "What the hell is so bloody wrong with that?"
"Dreadful fate indeed," John said. "And do watch your language, my lady," he swatted at her hip.
She giggled and he pounced on her, pushing her down onto his pillow.
"Do you find that funny?"
"Hilarious."
He flipped her over to her side facing away from him and pulled her against him. He reached for the covers, pulling them up to keep her warm from the chill of the air.
"Let's accustom ourselves to each other," he said in her ear. "we don't have to rush things."
"Hum," Eleanor tried to get comfortable but was well aware to both their state of undress.
He leaned to stroke her hair with his other hand, his movement soothing, "Try to calm yourself. It is just I."
She attempted to relax herself. She reached for his other hand, wrapping it around her waist so she could hold it in hers. "I would think you would want to get it over and done with."
"Not unless you wish to," John said, his breath on her neck.
She let out her breath, "It would be easier if we both disengage."
"I don't believe that to be the case," he told her, rubbing the top of her head. "When I talked about forging a way, I did not mean, make it a chore for either of us. I meant making sure it wouldn't be..."
She swallowed hard, "I'm not sure how I feel about that."
"Why?" he asked, lightly.
"I guess...I just feel vulnerable now."
"I know," John said, "which is why we are lying like this...until you...and I frankly...feel more certain."
She turned her head. "Are you scared of me?"
He gave her a small smile, "Only sometimes," he said, dryly. "Mostly when your dreadful temper pops out."
She laughed. He smoothed down her hair. "Did you always have your hair long? Even before you came?"
She smiled. "No, I would actually keep it shorter. So much more manageable that way."
"What do you miss about before?"
"Besides the children?"
"Do you think of them often?"
"Every day," Eleanor let out her breath. "They would be so much older now. It was hard at first when Mac was born. It brought up so many memories of Harry and Charlotte."
"What were they like?"
"They had dreadful tempers."
"Like their mama," John laughed.
"It was probably just their ages. Now that Sam is three, I see the tantrums and my mind is taken back. And every time Mac kisses me and throws his arm around my neck. He is so affectionate, just the way Harry was." Eleanor let out her breath, "It never leaves you. The pain just becomes more dull."
"My dear," John murmured. "I did not realize fully. You don't mention it."
Eleanor squeezed his hand, "Jamie and I would often talk through it when I felt that way. He seemed to sense it."
"Hum..."He continued to stroke her hair, "What do you miss besides the children..."
"Hot shower, running water..." she turned her head to look at him. "Air conditioning. It would keep your house cool during the hot summer days. I longed for it, especially pregnant in Jamaica. Good Lord."
John smiled. "We'll have to go to Fraser's Ridge when it gets too hot."
"indeed," She studied her ring. "I don't think I thanked you for the ring. It is lovely."
He pulled her hand up to kiss it. "You are most welcome."
He leaned to kiss her ear and then whispered, "I want to make you happy is so many ways. Will you allow me to try to?"
She cleared her throat, "Yes."
He pulled her even more tightly against him and then began to kiss down her neck.
Eleanor chewed her thumb as she leaned against the headboard. She glanced at him and then away.
John leaned up on his elbows. "Sometimes when you get quiet," he said. "It is bloody disconcerting."
"I was just thinking I should maybe go back to my own room."
He sat up then. "Why?"
"Isn't that what wives do in this century?" She reached for her dressing gown but his reflexes were quick, grabbing her wrist.
"Wives do what their husbands wish in this century," John retorted, "And I wish for you to stay...Isn't that what you are accustomed to?"
"I just don't want you to feel put upon," Eleanor said, softly. "Since that is not what you are accustomed to."
He patted the pillow, "Lie down. You must be shattered. I do not feel imposed upon."
"Are you certain?"
"I would feel far worse if I allowed you to leave," John said. "Like I used you and dismissed you." He frowned at her, "How did you phrase it before? You are getting inside your head."
She gave him a small smile. "Yes."
"You are feeling vulnerable."
She nodded, not trusting her voice to speak.
"Come," John gestured his head and opened his arms. "You are too far from me."
She scooted across the bed and into his open arms. He adjusted the blanket over her shoulder to cover her. "Now," he kissed her head. "Is that better?"
She nodded, resting her head against him, reflecting on the past hour.
She didn't know quite what to think of it all. She had expected different, more of a chore on both their parts. But it was not that way with him. After he made sure she was relaxed being in his presence, he had in true Lord John fashion, taken command of the situation. Not in a dominating kind of way, but in the way she was most accustomed to with him- sensing what was right and following through. He took great pains to communicate with her, expecting her to do the same. He wouldn't allow her disengage. There were moments, he sensed she was and he would in his very gentle Lord John way, call her out with it and stop until she felt more secure. He seemed genuinely interested in exploring this all with her. It wasn't quite the lie back and think of England type of night that she expected.
He stroked her arm, them resting against each other, "Did I...Eleanor, I must know. Did I do something wrong?"
She turned her head towards him, "Of course not. Why would you say such a thing?."
"But you didn't..." he paused.
She reached her his hand, twining it in his, "That doesn't mean you did anything wrong. I did like it."
He paused and thought for a few minutes, "Are you worried that I did not?"
She laid her ear against his chest, feeling it beat. "Yes, of course."
He patted her bum, firmly. "Stop worrying about me, dearest."
"That wasn't an answer."
He paused, "I didn't dislike it, Ellie."
She let out her breath. "Okay."
"Truth be told, there were moments I found confounding."
She yawned, "I'm not sure what that means. What kind of moments?"
"You need to go to sleep, but we will talk more. No, no, you mustn't draw away, sweetheart," he murmured when she attempted to pull away to her own side of the bed. "Not feeling the way you do. Stay right where you are. Close your eyes and rest. It's been such a full day."
She fell asleep, still wrapped in his arms.
Eleanor put her dressing gown around her, tying it tightly, when she heard the cries coming from down the hall. At first, she thought it was Hope, but she was sound asleep. She went in search for the upset child. Jamie had Rose in his arms, trying to calm the distraught child.
"Is it another nightmare?" Eleanor asked, kneeling down the spot where Jamie was holding her on the floor, wrapped up in his arms. "It had gotten better."
"I dinnae ken," Jamie said, "Maybe the traveling...the new room." He spoke Gaelic to Rose, low soothing tones.
"Rose, sweetheart," Eleanor winced and reached out to rub her back."I don't even think she is fully awake."
"Nah, she isna," Jamie retorted. "A bad dream, perhaps?"
"Maybe she would be better sharing a room with Hope," Eleanor said. "At least she would have another child in the room."
Jamie shrugged."The poor lass has seen so much."
"God help us, Jamie. Where did everything go so wrong?"
"I dinnae ken," Jamie let out a long breath.
"I can take her into bed with me," Eleanor said. "Maybe she is cold."
"It's yer wedding night," Jamie retorted.
"I can take her into my room. She is less loud now, I do not think she will wake Hope."
"No, ye canna on yer wedding night," Jamie frowned.
"John will understand."
"Aye, but," Jamie shook his head, "Tis not right. I'll take her into bed with me. Claire is used to it." He glanced at her flushed face. "Before I do, I need to ken ye are well, Eleanor."
"John was your friend before mine. Do you truly think he is capable of being anything but kind and gentle as a lover?
"I dinnae doubt it...still I am asking if ye are alright...in spite of the kind and gentle part," Jamie said, wryly.
"You weren't this concerned with Murtagh," Eleanor said, still rubbing Rose's back.
"Oh, I was," Jamie said, "I was out of mind with worry about ye. And I asked Jenny to check on ye because ye still wouldna talk to me."
Eleanor gave a small smile. "I am well, Jamie."
"Verra gut," Jamie said, letting out a long breath. "I will take Rose with me. Ye need to go back to yer husband. But wait a few minutes so we dinna stir gossip."
She nodded and did as he said. She very quietly crawled back into bed and John stirred.
"What is it?" he turned on his side towards her.
"I'm sorry, it was Rose. She had another nightmare."
"Again?" John frowned. "the poor child. I thought it had gotten better."
"I think it is just another adjustment," Eleanor let our a breath. "Jamie took her to his room."
John reached out to brush her hair away from her face. "Did you see Jamie?"
"Yes, he was trying to comfort her."
"Are you well? Seeing Jamie after what we did tonight?"
"He asked me the same thing. He wanted to make sure I was okay."
"Well," John corrected, gently. "And what did you tell him?"
"That he shouldn't doubt your ability to be kind and gentle considering you are his close friend."
"Well played, Lady John," John chuckled. "And his response?"
"He did not doubt you, but still wanted to know if I was... well...in spite of the fact he was sure you were kind and gentle."
"And what did you tell him?"
"I told him I was well."
John fingered her cheek. "And was that the truth?"
She nodded. He reached for the tie of her dressing gown, pulling her by it, yanking her closer to him. "And if I was to say that I wanted to explore further these ways between us...that we do not stop until you find your pleasure, what say you?"
Eleanor's heart beat fast, "I'd ask you if that is what you truly want."
"At the moment, I could want nothing more than to bring you joy," John said.
"Then," Eleanor swallowed hard, sitting up. "I would say I would welcome it."
John pulled her closer, by the tie. "I have been told there is a way," he fiddled with the tie, undoing it, kissing her neck and then her shoulder. "that women find quite pleasing." He pulled the dressing gown off of her.
"I see. Told by whom?"
"Well..." John titled his head side by side, "Some of my friends. And the prostitute I hired so I would know what I was doing before I married Isobel." He had said it so matter of factually and Eleanor had to stop and recount his words in her mind to make sure she had heard correctly.
Eleanor's eyes widened, "Lord John, you did not." She flopped down on the bed, her head on his pillow and laughed. "Did you really?"
He flopped down next to her, "I did." He grinned at her, "It was quite the education."
"Good Lord," Eleanor poked at him, "I am glad you did not tell me this before. Then I would have been really self conscious. You didn't tell Isobel that, did you?"
"Of course not," John snorted, "I am not an idiot, darling."
"I never thought you were," Eleanor turned on her side towards him.
"I just do not know if you will like it. I was never brave enough with Isobel," He gave her a grin, "You are blushing and I have not even told you."
"So, you better tell me what you mean..." Eleanor said.
He leaned up and nipped at her ear and then whispered into it.
"I see," Eleanor titled her head so she was looking up at him. "That may not be the best for us tonight."
"Why not?" John asked, lightly. "You have done it before."
"Yes."
"And you like it?"
"Yes."
"The issue then?" John asked, frowning.
"It's really intimate...I mean...don't get me wrong...I'm okay...I mean well...at least I think I am..." she bit her lip. "Good Lord. I don't know."
He threw back his head and laughed. "Great God in Heaven, even the anticipation of it, has you babbling incoherently."
"It's been a long time since..." She swallowed hard.
"Then," John kissed her neck again, lifted her arm to kiss down her side. "let's try to remedy that, shall we?"
She swallowed hard. "Are you certain...because...I can imagine it really is only tolerable if you are really into your partner." She shifted, squirming.
"Hum, you don't say," John pinned her hips down. "Stop wiggling, Ellie."
Eleanor shifted her hips more and he looked up from where he was now kissing up her leg. "I'll do it twice," he growled, "I swear to God. Once to prove I can and twice to silence any other bloody objections on my behalf you might have."
"I will literally die if you do it twice in a row."
"I doubt anybody has truly died from it..." John's eye had a twinkle. "If you do, I'd have alot to explain to Jamie about."
Eleanor wiggled some more. "John Grey. For Christ sake. I'm just saying..."
He looked up. "Twice, it is."
"Oh good Lord," Eleanor looked up to the ceiling.
"You must learn to trust my word," John said, his eyes on her. "It's a matter of honor, now." He rubbed her leg, soothingly. "Now stay still, wife of mine. And do try to relax," he said, wryly.
She kicked his leg, hard, causing him to chuckle, before she reached for his other hand, holding it in hers.
"I need you to do something for me," John said, in her ear, as she cuddled into his side, his arms around her waist. Her back was to him.
"What's that?"
"I cannot make this work for us, Eleanor, if you are constantly telling me how I should think or feel about it...you assume I should be put out by it or dislike it...and I just need you to let me explore how I do think and feel about things. I wish to do that with you...but I cannot, if you keep assuming things. I understand you do that a lot...so I'm asking you not to...be offended...on my behalf. If I say I want to do this...then i want to. It's about trusting my word, my honor, if you cannot...then not only can this not work between us, but our marriage cannot."
She paused and then reached for his hand, kissing it, "I am sorry. I suppose I am learning to trust as well."
"I understand that," John said, quietly. "Have I ever given you reason not to?"
"Never," Eleanor said, squeezing his hand, "I'll try better."
"Glad to hear it," He patted her hip, "Let's try better now."
"Oh good Lord," Eleanor let out her breath. "Really?"
"Are you opposed?" he asked, lightly.
"No," she said, slowly. "Not opposed."
"Good," he patted her hip, "This is so you will know without a shadow of doubt that I am not being put upon."
She turned her head and made a face.
He chuckled at her, "Up you go." He pushed her up. "Steady now." He reached to stabilize her.
"I can only be so steady considering what you have just done to me," Eleanor retorted, causing him to laugh further.
"Stop acting put upon when you very well know you liked it," John raised an eyebrow as he moved down the bed.
"I am not going to get away with much with you, am I?"
"Ah, no," He patted the spot on the bed in front of him, "Sit right here."
She raised an eyebrow, "Has anybody told you that you are completely bossy?"
He laughed, "From time to time." He grabbed her and and pulled her towards him. "Come to me, dearest, I wish to be bossy with you some more."
"Eleanor, darling," John shook her shoulder. "Hope is crying."
"What time is it?" Eleanor asked.
"Half past 4."
"I don't think I can move," she said, groaning, his fingers gently massaging her back. "How are you so spry?"
"I am used to early hours," John said, "I'll get her for you."
"No, I should go to her..."
"Just let her come in here. If you feed her, you might get a few more hours of sleep."
She nodded and John went over to retrieve Hope and placed her on the bed between them.
Eleanor rolled over and allowed Hope to latch. "I'm surprised she was not up before," Eleanor said, watching the baby feed in the small lamp light.
John reached over Hope to rub her hip, "How are you feeling?"
She looked in his eyes. "Did we just mess everything up between us?"
He gave her a smile. "We just made life more interesting. It would have never done for it to be dull betwix us."
She swallowed hard, putting her hand on tops of his, "Just tell me that we'll be able to figure it out together. That you will be able to find your peace with me."
"I do not doubt it. It may take work," John moved his hand to her face. "but I do not have regrets."
"Famous last words," Eleanor said, wryly and John laughed at her.
A/N: So, I know alot of you were frustrated by the break between Jamie and Ellie...so the flash forehead was just a preview of what could come...there is much story in between including stories with the children, but is there hope for them? Hum...should there even be? I tightened the timeline with Bree/Roger's second child and had them choose to go back much earlier (the first time confronted with going back), so clearly this alternate universe story is still very much AU. :) Thoughts?!