A/N: Thank you all who took time to review last chapter, especially ponygirlrunner who did so in the hospital. Hope you are feeling better soon! xx Sorry this chapter has taken so long, but it is a long one!
Chapter 27:
"But I want to go ridin with Da and Willie and Mac and Lord John," Sam cried the next afternoon, stomping his foot. "Tis not fair!"
"Aye, it's hard not be old enough, but I canna have ye on a horse yet, lad," Jamie said, his voice calm, but firm. He looked to Eleanor."Will ye be alright with him, lass?"
"Of course, we'll be fine," Eleanor said, her hand on Sam's head, ruffling his hair gently. Sam continued to stop his foot and grunt.
"Do you want me to stay?" Claire frowned at Sam's behavior.
"Of course not," Eleanor shook her head. "Rosie and Hope are both asleep. It's just Sam. I can handle one child."
"I'll go check on the boys then," Claire said, leaving them.
"I want to go, mama! I want to go ridin with them!" Sam cried, distressed.
Eleanor bent down on her knees, trying to balance in her dress, "When you are older," she said firmly, her hand on his shoulder. "Da says you are not old enough and he would know best. He's been around horses all his life, love."
"No!" Sam cried. "No, no, no! Tis not fair! I wanna ride!"
"Samuel, honey," She stood and attempted to pick him up, "We can go watch if you'd like or we can play with your blocks. What do you want to do?"
"I dinna want to do anythin!"" Sam yelled at her and began to kick against her, taking swings at her. "No, no, NO!"
Eleanor glanced at Jamie, whose eyes widened in dismay and then horror that his son would become so physical with her.
"Samuel..." he growled, but Sam was too far gone to notice the shift in Jamie's stance. John had come up behind him just in time to witness Eleanor getting pummeled by kicks and smacks from her son.
"Stop that," Eleanor maneuvered to restrain him, ungracefully sitting down on the floor with him. Her corset jammed into her ribs as a result and she cursed under her breath before she could help it and then winced, hoping Jamie and John did not overhear her, but both men had the grace to ignore it if they did.
"What's the issue here?" John asked, frowning at the scene. He had heard Eleanor's indiscreet slip of tongue, but couldn't say that he blamed her considering what was happening at the moment.
"He wants to go riding with the boys, but Jamie thinks he is not old enough," Eleanor said, struggling to keep hold of him, but be gentle enough not to hurt him. It was so bloody hard to do so in a dress.
"I am too!" Sam wiggled against her, trashing from side to side trying to get free.
"I don't think he is either," John agreed, "And Jamie would be the best one to make that judgement."
"It's made," Jamie said, "there is nothin we can do aboot it and the older lads should be able to ride this afternoon. I ken it is disappointing fer the lad, but there are other things he can do instead of ride."
"Of course," Eleanor said, "but he is only three so of course this is the result."
"Do we punish the other boys because Sam canna accept that he is younger?" Jamie asked, with a raised eyebrow.
"I don't know," Eleanor said, flustered.
"What do you need, Eleanor?" John asked, his brow creased in concern.
"I need for you two to go for your ride. Sam and I will be fine- maybe in about 30 minutes, but he'll calm down."
Jamie looked to John, who cleared his throat. "He cannot be allowed to hit and kick you, Eleanor," John said, quietly. "Even in a state of temper."
"I agree," She shrugged. "That's why I am holding him like this. Different kids respond in different ways when their wills are thwarted, it's psychology" Eleanor retorted and then yelped, "No, Sam," she grunted, popping his bottom, but the action caused his arms to get loose, which is what he wanted but she caught him again. "Oh good Lord." She struggled to restrain him again. "I cannot do this properly in this bloody dress."
"Did ye bite ye?" Jamie asked, stepping over to them to crouch down beside them.
"Yes," Eleanor frowned.
John frowned from the entranceway. "Eleanor..." he struggled to moderate his tone. "Maybe you should hand him over to one of us. There should be consequences to this."
"The consequences can escalate the behavior until he is calmer," Eleanor said, "It's fine," she said, her face flushing. "He's just being a threeager. They are terrors at this age- Harry was the same way. I have experience with this." She looked to Jamie, "Mac and Willie are waiting. Go on."
Jamie looked back at John, seeking his opinion. John shook his head, wearily. Jamie swallowed but straightened, "We will talk aboot this later, lassie. I dinna agree but seein the lads are waiting..."
"Of course," she nodded and then managed to stand with Sam who was still struggling against her. "I am taking him upstairs."
Jamie reached out to put his hand on Sam's face so he was forced to look at him, "Bite yer mama again, Samuel John," he shook his face gently, "and ye will sorely regret it, understand me?" His voice was low and commanding. "I willna ever allow ye to hurt yer mama even in a fit of temper."
Sam scowled and then continued to thrash, but didn't try to bite.
Eleanor took him upstairs and let him go, blocking the door. Sam continued to throw his tantrum, throwing things in his room. When a block nearly hit her, Eleanor tried once more to get him out of his tantrum.
"Fine, you are making your choices," Ellie said, "But I don't have to stay in this room with you."
Eleanor closed him in and then leaned against the other side of the door. "God help me," she murmured, sliding down against the door and burying her head in her knees fighting the tears that was forming. Nothing ever felt as overwhelming as having your child out of control and for nothing to work to bring them back into. She knew she just had to let it extinguish, but she also knew that Jamie didn't think that a proper parenting technique and from John's demeanor earlier, she had a feeling John would be more in agreement with Jamie than her.
Eventually the screaming subsided and the knocks against the door. She waited a few minutes before peeking into the mess, Sam on his bed, asleep. She let out her breath, before leaning over to kiss his head.
"I do love you, little boy, even when I want to throttle you," she whispered, before crawling in bed with him and falling asleep herself for a much needed nap.
Jamie looked to John after a half an hour of instructing Mac on riding and watching William ride. He was proud of both his sons. William was a natural and skilled equestrian and Mac had taken to riding even after just a few minutes. He also marveled at Mac's gentle way with the horses. But in spite of how much he was enjoying time with both of them, his mind kept wandering to his youngest son and Eleanor.
"What is it, Jamie?" John asked.
"I think I need to look in on Sam," he said, frowning.
"You are worried about him with Eleanor."
"Aye, I am worrit."
"I never saw him that angry," John commented. "Little tantrums, but nothing like that."
"The children will have to get used to things," Claire offered, "It is another change for them- they have been so much. Anger will be natural emotion for them, especially when Jamie and I leave. And Ellie is right- three year olds are the worst."
"Still with four little ones and William, Eleanor surely will need support, especially if this is going to be a common occurrence," John said. "She cannot do all of it herself even if the children were angels...which while they are very dear..."
"They are certainly no angels," Jamie finished his statement, and chuckled appreciatively.
"And the baby consumes much of Eleanor's time," John said. "She needs help."
"Aye, I agree with ye," Jamie nodded, "But ye canna forget, the lass just spent months apart from the wee uns. She willna relinquish control."
"Still, this must be difficult on her," John commented. "Overwhelming for her."
"Aye," Jamie said, "That is why I want to find both of them..." he paused, "unless ye wish to yerself as her husband. As Claire said, we willna always be here."
"I'll talk with her privately later," John said, "But you should go to her if that is what you feel is best. I trust your judgement."
Jamie gave him small smile, "Verra weel. Will ye stay here, Claire, and watch the wee lads with Lord John?"
Claire nodded, putting her hand of Jamie's arm, "Of course. Go take care of Sam."
"Verra gut, thank ye," Jamie nodded.
Jamie pushed open the door to Sam's room and looked around at the mess strewn about. He shook his head in dismay, but then his gaze moved to the bed and he smiled at the sight of Eleanor curled up beside Sam, her hand on her face. She looked so peaceful, even if she didn't bother to change out of her dress and her hair was starting to fall down from the pins, that he was sure was poking into her scalp. She surely must have been exhausted to fall asleep in spite of it all. And lying next to Sam, he saw the clear resemblance between their youngest son and his former wife, the only one of their wee uns with her dark hair. His eyes watched them for a few moments, his heart filled with emotion- sorrow, love, regret. It would be hard for him to leave the children, but it would also be hard for him to leave their mother. He couldn't help but feel what he did. He allowed himself the luxury of watching them for a few moments, before he began his trek across the messy floor.
She stirred as Jamie walked across the room, his feet thumping even as he tried to keep his walk light.
Eleanor opened her eyes and stretched. "Hey," she whispered.
"Hey is fer horses," Jamie didn't miss a beat as he grinned at her and Eleanor giggled.
"Sh," he chided, whispering, "We canna wake the babe."
He inclined his head and offered his hand, pulling her off the bed, taking care to step over the mess and guiding her into the hallway.
"The wee un needed a rest, then?" he asked, once in the hallway, shutting the door behind him.
"Yes, I think that may have been the reason for his moodiness," Eleanor confirmed walking down the corridor, so she could check on Hope. She planted her ear against the door, struggling to hear sounds. "Can you listen to see if she is awake?" Eleanor asked and Jamie put his ear to the door.
"I dinna hear any sounds," he whispered.
"I wish we had baby monitors," she said, "it made life so much easier."
"Aye, so ye've said" Jamie nodded, "She canna get in much trouble in her crib, lass, even if she does wake."
"That's true," Eleanor nodded. "Not at her age at least."
"Aye," Jamie agreed, "May we talk, mo ghraidh?"
"Of course we may," she nodded, trying to pin back up the stray pieces as they walked.
"I dinna mean to wake ye, ye looked peaceful," Jamie said.
"Yes, I was tired," she said, but then she paused because she didn't want Jamie to suspect the real reason she was tired. Being kept up in the middle of the night was different than simply fulfilling their duty to consummate. "Hope was up and Rosie of course..." she mumbled. "I don't think I've gotten a good night's sleep in ages."
He looked at her, "And ye are a marrit woman." His back stiffened just a bit at the thought.
She bit her lip, "Yes, I am."
"John seems content," Jamie commented as he walked with her down the stairs.
"It's only been twenty four hours," Eleanor responded, dryly.
"Aye, but now that the nervousness of being..." he paused, "first wed has worn off, ye and him will only become more accustomed to each other," He frowned, "I only meant to say that he seems at ease with ye and that is a gut way to start a marriage. I meant to reassure ye."
"No, I know what you meant and I hope he will be," Eleanor nodded, her hand on the banister, "especially after his godson's display."
"He has nephews who are quite active," Jamie sat next to her on the settee in the sitting room. "And what could he expect with my blood and yer blood running through the bairn?"
"I know," she let out her breath. Tears prickled her eyes before she could help herself. She felt defeated this afternoon. It was a feeling she remembered well from her modern life. Motherhood always overwhelmed her.
"What is it, lass?" he asked, his eyes on her, studying her carefully. "Why are ye upset?"
She glanced at him, "I'm not upset."
"Ye canna fool me, Eleanor," he responded, quietly. "Ye ken that weel."
She laughed through her tears, "I do. You always had a sense about when my feelings were going awry."
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "What are ye thinking aboot, lass?"
She sniffed hard, "This afternoon, there was nothing I could do to calm him."
"Aye," Jamie said, slowly. "Tis not yer fault though. He was bein a wee bugger for certain."
"You would have handled it differently though."
"Hum," Jamie considered it, "The wee uns respond differently to me. It dinnae mean I could prevent it entirely, ye ken. He was in rare form."
"You have such a presence, Jamie," Eleanor responded. "I feel like such a failure. Like I can't do this without you. Like I'm scared to do this without you. I know you will say it is my fault for marrying John, but..."
"No, I canna put the blame on ye fer separating our family, mo ghraidh. Tis not yer fault." Jamie shook his head, adamantly.
"Claire makes motherhood look easy."
"Ach," Jamie titled his head, "That's silly, lass. Sam dinna have the tantrums he had today. And usually I intervene and she doesna have to do anythin. And she only had Brianna, ye have four wee bairns under yer care. Tis verra different."
"It was only one this afternoon and I botched that up," Eleanor said, "You know I have always been lacking as a mother. Time travel doesn't change that."
"Eleanor, that isna true," Jamie frowned at her.
"We were supposed to do this together," Eleanor let out her breath. "You were supposed to make me a better mother."
"I don't need to make ye a better mother fer ye are a fine one on yer own," Jamie said.
"No, I am not. I felt so overwhelmed," she said. "And frustrated. I just didn't realize until today what it meant to me to raise these children with you by my side, Jamie." Her voice cracked and she quickly stood, knowing if she didn't retreat, she would soon completely lose her composure. "I think I need to go check on the girls."
"Lass," Jamie stood. "I think we need to talk aboot this. Ye canna keep sayin these things and then runnin away."
She shrugged, "What is there to talk about? I'm not your wife anymore. You don't have to do this with me any more..."
"Do what?"
"Make me feel better..." The tears spilled over, "We have to stop Jamie. We are both married to other people. We have to withdraw from each other. Stop caring."
"I canna help but want to make ye feel better, lass," Jamie reached out to touch her arm. "When ye are discontent, when ye are hurtin, it pierces me to my core. That willna change- my care fer ye. Nothin can change that."
She swallowed hard, "I really do think I need to check on Hope."
"Lass.."
"I'm sorry, Jamie," Eleanor fled upstairs, without a look back.
"Where is Eleanor?" John asked, coming into the room, a few minutes later.
"She went upstairs to check on the lasses," Jamie said.
John inclined his head and studied him, "What happened?"
Jamie stood, "Ye will have to ask yer wife."
"I'm asking you, as my friend," John said, evenly.
"I think Eleanor is angry about having to parent the bairns without me," Jamie said, looking perturbed. "I dinna expect that, but Sam's tantrum this afternoon upset her."
"I see," John folded his hands, "I do not think that to be wholly unexpected, do you?"
"She had the choice to stay at Fraser's Ridge."
"What kind of choice was that?" John asked, his voice light, "Did you even consult her about living in the colonies?"
"I dinna think she would mind."
"My God, Jamie," John said, aghast, "She has told you of her life before. The comforts that she had in her time. She was never particularly enjoyed...what did she call it?"
"Camping," Jamie chuckled at the thought.
"Yes, camping...the outdoors. Did you really thought that she would want to live in the wilds of the Carolinas?
"Claire dinna seem to mind. I dinna think much of it."
"And there it is," John said, "The precise reason Eleanor decided to step aside and no wonder with those types of comments," he shook his head, wearily. "Did you prepare her for that type of life? Teach her how to shoot? How to defend herself in case you were not nearby?"
"I ken she is far more suited to being yer wife," Jamie retorted, his voice tense.
"I wouldn't say that," John said, keeping care to keep his tone moderate, "I do not particularly think she will enjoy the society obligations that come along with it. Eleanor would much rather be at home, curled up by the fire with a book in her hand or in the company of a close friend."
"Aye," Jamie gave a small smile, "Tis so."
"All I am saying is that you cannot fault her for being who she is. And she must be overwhelmed with all that is changing. Surely, you can understand that."
"Of course I can," Jamie retorted. "And I tried to talk to her aboot Sam's tantrum, but she said she dinna want to talk to me aboot it. That its not my duty to soothe her any longer."
"That is because she is afraid of the closeness you still share," John said, bluntly. "She betrayed a marriage once, I do not think she wishes to do so again."
Jamie stilled. "I wouldna betray Claire."
"You are missing my point," John said, "There is more than one way to betray your partner."
He was quiet for a few minutes before saying, "Aye, I ken yer meaning."
"She must become accustomed to relying on me instead of you," John's voice was gentle. "For all of our sakes. That change will be an adjustment for both of you. Distance will help with that some."
"I think she already relies on ye," Jamie retorted. "That much has been made quite clear."
"Only when she is at odds with you," John said, dryly. He paused, "What is Claire's perspective in all of this?"
Jamie swallowed hard, "She kens that Ellie and I are drawn to each other."
"She just feels that the pull she has on you is stronger," John said, with raised eyebrows. "Is that true?"
"I dinna ken. She dinnae say her thoughts on it. She is careful in that because she kens Eleanor has been the one wronged in this, but I canna say she wasna relieved to ken that Ellie would be well situated away from me..."
"Even if it meant your children would be too?" John shook his head, wearily, "What a predicament, Jamie."
Jamie looked around, "Speaking of Ellie..."
"What is it now?" John asked, growing more perturbed at his friend.
"She willna say to ye...but the slaves bother her..."
"I know that, Jamie," John said, "I realized the moment she arrived here...I even noticed her discomfort with it in Jamaica, though I didn't understand why at the time. Even if I wanted to free them, I cannot. It is Isobel's estate that I am managing on William's behalf. I cannot make unsound decisions because of it."
"I ken that," Jamie said. "And she does too. It is why she is not saying much to ye."
"Has she has talked to you?" John asked, his voice low.
"When we were at Fraser's Ridge..." Jamie admitted.
"Well, I didn't think there had been much time since our vows to do so," John shook his head, wearily, "I understand she is upset by it. This is why I arranged for Susanna to be brought here because I knew she had formed a rapport with her, especially after Hope's birth. I thought that could ease her transition."
"Aye, that was verra thoughtful of ye. I am sure Eleanor appreciates it. It's just...she canna help but have a reaction. She dinna want to put ye in an uncomfortable position, so she willna talk to ye aboot it unless she is compelled to, by either a drastic circumstances or ye questioning her aboot it."
"Yes, I know, but Jamie, this is precisely what I mean. If Eleanor cannot learn to trust me...cannot learn to come to me, to rely on me, regardless if you are nearby or not, then she nor you will be able to fight the draw towards each other."
"She does trust ye. She told ye the truth aboot herself."
"She would have never told me the truth if you did not threaten to tell yourself," John said. "I cannot fault her for that though. But this...about the slaves and the children, it as if she doesn't want to offend me or impose upon me with her feelings. It's happened constantly in the past day."
Jamie raised an eyebrow, "And at night?"
John stilled, "That is not what I said."
"I ken the lass weel," Jamie retorted. "She is shattered though. Ye are trying to show her that ye are not. Making yer point too much, eh?"
"That is none of your concern," John retorted.
"As long as the lass is weel," Jamie said. "She is, isn't she?"
"Didn't she tell you she was?" John said, "Thank you for the assessment of my character that you had to even ask her that question in the first place."
"Eleanor needs to learn discretion," Jamie let out his breath, "I dinnae think she would tell ye I asked."
"Clearly so."
"It is not that I doubted ye," Jamie retorted, "She takes this to heart. I had to ken that she was weel with what transpired between the two of ye."
"And I need you to let me help her be well with that and everything else," John said. "by trusting me just as you always have. I do have Eleanor's best interest at heart...and that of your children."
"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, "I just want her to ken that I am not abandoning her."
"Great God in heaven, Jamie," John sighed, "It is a complex situation. To her, it might feel that way and even if it pains you as the man of honor we both know you are, you are going to just have to let her be."
Jamie was silent for a few minutes before saying, "Aye, I ken," Jamie nodded and then frowned, his brow creasing in worry, "The lass will be well, eventually, will she no?"
John looked at him evenly, "I do hope so."
Eleanor reached for the diapers to change Hope on her bed while Rosie, who was just waking up, sat playing with her doll.
John knocked on the door in poked his head in, "May I come in?"
"Of course," Eleanor stood, "it is your home."
John shut the door beside him, "It is our home, Eleanor," he corrected gently, "Hello Rosie."
Rosie rewarded him with a smile, "See dollie."
"I do," John smiled at her as he went over to pat her head, "Is dollie waking up too?"
"No," Rosie shook her head, "Dollie sleepin." Rosie laid her head down and pretended to sleep.
John chuckled. "What else is going on here?"
Eleanor struggled to compose herself as she had been doing since Rosie and Hope woke up. "Well, Hope needs a diaper change."
"I see," John said, solemnly, "Don't stop on my account."
"I can take her someplace else like I usually do."
"I suspect I might have to get used to matters such as these," he said, his hand still on Rosie's head, "May I sit here, my lady?" he asked Rosie.
"Aye," Rosie said, nodding.
John sat and then looked at Eleanor, his voice firm, "Change the child, Ellie."
"Very well," Eleanor sat on the bed and began to do so.
"I talked to Jamie," John said as Rosie continued to play with her doll.
"Oh," Eleanor bit her lip.
"He mentioned a few matters that I think you and I should discuss," John said.
She glanced at him, "He should learn discretion."
"He said the very same of you," John said.
Eleanor swallowed hard as she picked up Hope. "I need to feed Hope. May we talk about this later? Perhaps tonight after the little ones are asleep?"
"Very well," John nodded, standing, "Would you like me to check on my godson before I go downstairs?"
Eleanor patted Hope's back as she snuggled, rooting against her chest, "His room is a mess. He kind of destroyed it."
"I see," John said, seriously, "Would you object to waking him up and seeing if I can get him to clean up his room?"
"I'm sure Jamie can do that," Eleanor said, standing with Hope, "or I can when I am finished here."
"Yes, but Jamie will not always be here," John retorted, moving to her side. "I need you to let you assist where I can. We must talk more on this matter, of how you would like me to handle the children, but for now..." he paused, "even if he wasn't my stepson, he is my godson, so I feel that is well within my duties as his godfather to teach him how to behave properly."
"Of course," Eleanor nodded. "It's just I don't want us to be a bother."
John titled his head and gazed at her steadily.
Eleanor blushed, "Oh, okay," she groaned.
"Okay, okay," Rosie bounced on the bed.
"Oh crap," Eleanor muttered.
"Crap," Rosie drawled.
John's stare broke as he fought a smile. Eleanor leaned over to bury her head on his shoulder, muffling her groan. "Do not say anything," her voice was firm.
"I wouldn't dare," He reached to encircle his arm around her waist, Hope still staring at both of them. With his other hand, John reached to rub Hope's cheek, got rewarded with a smile and then after a brief kiss on Eleanor's head pulled away.
"Does Jamie and Claire have Mac occupied?"
"Mac is well," John said. "I can take Sam to Jamie after he is settled."
"Yes, I'd think I would like to stay here with the girls for a while," She said, still juggling Hope who was wiggling now.
"Jamie is not upset with you, Eleanor," John said. "You do not have to hide away."
She forced a smile, "I am upset though."
"I know you are," he reached out to squeeze her hand once. "Are you certain you do not wish to speak about it now?"
She nodded, "Some time to reflect would be good."
"As long as it does not lead to worry and despair," John responded, his voice gentle.
"I make no promises," Eleanor said.
"The only promise I ask," John said, his hand moving to rest gently on her arm, "is that you entrust me as your husband to provide you care and comfort even if you think I will not like what it causing your distress."
Eleanor's eyes filled with tears. She nodded, not trusting her voice to speak. Hope reached out her arms for John, kicking and babbling at him, distracted from wanting to eat by John's presence.
John laughed again, taking her for a moment. He gave her a kiss and began to bounce her, Hope calming down. "It didn't take too long for her to remember me again."
"She does love you," Eleanor said, with a smile.
Rosie was watching their interaction from the bed, a frown on her face. Eleanor caught her out of the corner of her eye.
"What's the matter, Rosie?"
"I wanna Da," she pouted.
John gave Eleanor a look. Rosie was still completely attached to Jamie and Claire. She warmed to Eleanor in the past three months, but still quite preferred the others. John handed Hope back and turned to Rose. "Come, dear, I'll take you to see your Da before I talk to your brother."
She nodded, shyly and then held out her arms for John, her dollie still in her hands. He picked Rosie up gently into his arms.
He turned to Eleanor. "May I send Susanna up to help you change for supper in an hour? Your dress is wrinkled."
She looked down at it and then smiled sheepishly. "Yes, it is, isn't it? I laid down next to Sam. Got a few minute of rest in before Jamie woke me up."
He nodded, "You look like you need a few minutes more. Would you like me to take Hope as well?"
She looked at Hope and then to John, who was still holding Rosie.
"I can take her to Jamie and Claire."
She shook her head, "I want her to stay with me."
"Of course," John gave Eleanor a gentle smile before heading out the door, talking to Rose, quietly as he did. Eleanor sat back on the bed, laying Hope beside her before telling her wryly, "Mama has made such a mess out of things, love. I am trying to fix it. I just hope I haven't made things worse."
Eleanor came downstairs much later. John and Jamie were instructing Willie and Mac on a game of droughts. She was amazed on how well Mac got along with Willie who was so much older than him, but they had seemed to bond. The kidnapping had matured Mac well beyond his years so he acted and behaved like an older child. Sam was lining up his toy animals with Claire and Rosie was sitting on Jamie's lap, playing with her dollie.
John stood to greet her. "Supper is soon. We thought the children could practice sitting in the kitchens like we talked about at Fraser's Ridge. Do you mind? Susanna can look after them."
She nodded, "As long as sometimes they can eat with us."
"Of course," John said, "They must be taught to behave in both situations."
She forced a smile. She wasn't eager to be social with the rest of the adults tonight. The kids antics tended to ease the tension that was often there. John reached out to lightly touch her arm before going over to crouch down next to Samuel.
He touched his arm to get his attention and then looked him in the eyes, whispering a few words. John straighten and Sam got up to walk over to her.
"I sorry for hittin ye, mama and makin a mess of me room," Sam said, quietly. "I love ye."
Eleanor's heart nearly melted. She glanced back at Jamie, who winked at her. She put Hope down on the floor and then scooped Sam up into her arms. "Thank you, Sam, for the apology. Mistakes happen, especially when you are three," She kissed his cheek and squeezed him tightly.
"Lord John help me clean me room," Sam whispered in her ear.
She laughed, "I'm very glad he did. I nearly tripped over all the mess." She hugged and kissed him again and Sam leaned into her. She went to sit down with him, keeping a watchful eye on Hope who was on her stomach rocking on it, trying to lean her head up. Sam hugged her tightly, burying his head in his shoulder. She reveled in his sweet snuggles before he kissed her one more time and went over to John, who was standing nearby. John leaned down, his hand on his shoulder and whispered in his ear. Sam's smile grew wide and nodded, returning to his animals.
John went to sit next to Eleanor. Hope began to roll herself across the floor to get to Sam's animals.
"Aw, Hope, no," he grunted at her. "They arena yers."
Eleanor stood and scooped Hope back up, who began to fuss.
"When she becomes mobile, we are going to have a problem," Eleanor told John, wryly.
He looked at her, "She seemed quite determined to be a part of it all, didn't she?"
Eleanor nodded as Mac came up to them, "It's okay, Hope," he patted Hope's back. Hope began to gurgle and smile at her eldest brother.
"Did you have fun riding?" Eleanor asked.
"Aye," Mac said, "It was great fun."
"Good," Eleanor smiled at her son, who was rubbing Hope's head.
"Mama?"
"Yes?"
"What color do you think Hope's hair is?"
"Well," Eleanor cleared her throat, "I think it is red."
The tension in the room suddenly increased tenfold. Claire glanced over Rosie's head, who had went from Jamie to her.
"Murtagh's hair wasna red, was it?" Mac asked, curiously, "And yer hair isna red? Where did it come from?"
Eleanor shrugged. "Who knows how these things work, love."
"But...ye said me and Rosie have Da's hair and Sam has yers, so...Rosie should have either yers or Murtaghs's color, right?"
"It doesn't always work that way," Claire offered, but she had tension in her shoulders.
Jamie came over to place a large hand on Mac's curls. "Such questions, lad. Mama already said she had a grandmother with red hair. There could have been someone in Murtagh's family too with red hair."
"But..."
"I think that is enough," Jamie said, firmly. "It's almost supper time."
John rose. "Yes, indeed. We should all clean up our activities and wash up for supper."
"Make sure you wash your hands well," Claire entreated.
"Aye," Mac said, solemnly, "We always do."
"That is because ye are such a gut lad," Jamie swung him up in his arms giving him a hug before putting him down. "Samuel, wee un, did ye hear what Lord John said?"
"Aye, Da, but just a few more minutes?" Sam entreated, still having the animals chase after each other.
"I dinna think so, lad," Jamie said, "Ye got alot of grace this afternoon out of ye mama and Lord John, but I canna abide disobedience so ye better do what ye ken is right."
Eleanor put Hope on the floor to play and then slid down to sit next to Sam. "I'll help you, Sam. Come on."
"Verra weel," Sam pouted but allowed Eleanor to help him clean up.
Super was tense between the four adults after Mac's innocent questioning. Eleanor could barely eat and John tried to steer the conversation the best he could.
"Are you not hungry?" he asked her. "Is it not to your liking?"
"Of course, it's delicious," she said. She bit her lip, anxious. "Do you think the children are well in the kitchens? And Hope? Do you think I should check on them?"
"The bairns will be weel, Eleanor," Jamie said, "Ye canna coddle them."
"I wasn't aware that you thought I did," Eleanor said, frowning.
"I always thought that ye were too soft with the bairns," Jamie said, "Surely that is not a surprise."
"I don't smother them though," Eleanor said, "I give them space to be independent, but they are young, Jamie. Even Mac would barely be in school. They are babies."
"Jamie," Claire said, her voice low. "Perhaps this is not the time."
"Ye have difficultly letting them out of yer sight unless they are with one of us and even then," Jamie titled his head, "Hope. Ye dinna let that child go easily."
"She is a baby, Jamie," Eleanor reached for her water, drinking it, her throat feeling dry as she was trying not to cry. "but it is true that I don't like them out of my sight," she admitted, her face flushing.
"Of course you do not," John said, his voice low. "We can all understand why."
"I dinnae either lass, but still, I do let them go. We cannot coddle them. Ye are goin to need to let them have a nanny."
"Absolutely not," Eleanor retorted. "I do not need a stranger helping with our children."
John reached out to put a hand on her arm, "Let's calm ourselves."
Eleanor glared at Jamie, who stared at her back.
"After what ye said this afternoon aboot feeling like ye canna..."
Eleanor dropped her spoon, it clattering against her soup bowl. "Don't you dare through those words back up at me! You try dealing with your son hitting you and throwing things at you and see how you feel!"
"He wouldna have done that with me."
John could feel her flinch underneath his steady hand that was still resting on her arm. "Perhaps we should forgo this conversation until after supper," John said, his voice firm.
"But..." Eleanor frowned, still staring at Jamie.
"I insist, Eleanor, my dear," John said, his voice low to her. "It is simply not done to have a full fledged argument at the supper table no matter how familiar the company..."
"Clearly, you have never been to Thanksgiving dinners after an election year," Eleanor said, wryly.
John looked at her, quizzically and even Jamie perked up. Claire laughed in appreciation.
John removed his hand and inclined his head towards the staff who were still waiting on them. Eleanor frowned, heart heart hammering as her face flushed. Suddenly, she felt it very difficult to breathe.
John cleared his throat and gestured for them to leave them alone. When the room was cleared and the doors shut behind them, Eleanor said, her voice cracking, "John, I'm sorry. I wasn't even thinking. I didn't mean...I'm so sorry."
"I know you didn't," John put a hand on her arm again, rubbing it gently. "I am not angry with you about it, dearest."
Jamie shifted, suddenly wanting to ease this situation for Eleanor, who was quite embarrassed at her gaffe. She had been so distressed over her argument with Jamie that all the room had faded away and she didn't even realize the four of them were not alone. She could have given so much away.
"Still, I could have..." her flush deepened.
"Ellie," John met her eyes. "We can talk more later."
Jamie cleared his throat, coughing slightly. "What is this all aboot?" he asked. "Thanksgiving and politics?"
"Thanksgiving is a holiday in our time- one where families gather together in thanksgiving to share what they have. And Americans have a tradition of debating politics at the supper table during family get togethers," Claire told Jamie.
Jamie couldn't help but grin, "Is that why ye dinna get along with yer family, lassie?"
Eleanor pursed her lips, "After I married Will, I became a little more open to different points of view than what I had grown up with."
"Is that so?" Jamie asked, amused.
"It is," Eleanor said, "I still believe them too," she met his eyes in a challenge.
Jamie chuckled, "Aye, I ken ye do, lass."
Claire looked between them and then glanced at Lord John, "Did you enjoy politics, Eleanor?"
"Actually," Eleanor picked back up her spoon and John let go of her arm, "There was a time when I wanted to become a lawyer and work for the government- for a politician. I went into college thinking I would do that."
John's jaw dropped, "You do not say."
Jamie considered her. "What changed yer mind?"
Eleanor shrugged, "Politics can be nasty. And I never would want to destroy a person to get ahead. Plus, there would never be anyone I would agree with one hundred percent. So, I decided to go with what was familiar...my mom was a teacher...actually at the time it felt more of a calling than that...but God clearly has a sense of humor because I'm here instead of anywhere...in a time where..." she paused, laying down her spoon again, "I cannot think of that," she looked to Jamie, unsure.
He smiled at her, his eyes meeting hers. He seemed to always understand when she felt completely lost and when her faith felt weak. She had lost so much when Claire came back- the father of her children, her love, but even beyond that, the man who spoke to her soul. She did rely on him and his perspective. She missed him- the intimacy she shared with him...and while she wanted to deny it, their connection...it still pulled her towards him. Lately, they were odds with each other most of the time and part of her thought it was a way for both of them to deny that attraction.
Again, Claire looked between the two of them and at John, who was watching Eleanor carefully. She tore her eyes away to look at John, her flush deepening. John gave her an encouraging smile and then steered the conversation in a safer direction.
Eleanor tucked a sleeping Sam's feet into the bed, "Goodnight, my love." She whispered as she leaned to kiss his head. She allowed Jamie to pass and do the same.
"Goodnight, my wee un," he kissed his head.
She went over to Mac, who was still awake. "Goodnight, sweetheart," she kissed him. "Sweet dreams."
"Mama?" Mac asked as she sat on the bed with him.
"What is it?" she whispered.
"Does Da have to leave?"
Eleanor looked to Jamie whose expression turned pained even in the low candlelight. She got up and allowed Jamie to sit next to Mac.
"Aye," Jamie said, his voice low. "I have to return to Fraser's Ridge in a few days. Enough time to get ye and yer brother and sisters settled." He reached over to put his hand on Mac's face. "But ye will be comin to Fraser's Ridge fer a few weeks with Mama."
"But," Mac paused, "Why can't we all be together? Ye and Mama?"
Eleanor's face turned from them as Jamie reached for her hand, squeezing it briefly before letting it go.
"Because I am marrit to Claire and now Mama is marrit to Lord John..."
"But...why?"
"Mama deserved to be marrit to someone who would care fer her and Lord John lives here."
Mac considered it. "I like Lord John, but he isna ye, Da."
"I ken," Jamie leaned down and kissed his head. "i would stay if I could, Mac. But sometimes ye have to do the right thing even if it is hard."
Eleanor sniffed hard, her tears running down her face. She could taste the salt of her tears.
"Just ken that both yer mama and I love ye and Sam and Rosie and..." Jamie paused for just a minute, "Hope verra much."
He nodded, "I ken."
Jamie kissed him again, "Go to sleep, lad. We can talk more in the morn. Pleasant dreams."
Jamie gripped Eleanor's arm and led her out of the room.
"I never wanted to take the children from you," she said, softly. "I knew how much it meant for you to be a father and be able to raise your children. I never wanted this for you. Forgive me. I feel like I have horribly wronged you."
"It was my lack of a decision that wronged ye to begin with," Jamie reached out to put a hand on her shoulder.
"Yes, but" Eleanor began to weep. "Still, I'm so sorry, James. For what this is doing to you...even if you do not say, I know..."
"Shh, mo ghraidh, dinnae thrash yerself fer it. Tis not yer burden to bear," Jamie said, pulling her into a hug, unable to stand her distress. Tears came to his own eyes over it. "Dinnae cry, lass. Ach, dinnae weep, leannan. Ye are puttin everythin on yer shoulders again and tis not right."
He held her tightly against him as she quietly wept. Try as he might to keep his distance, he couldn't when she was in such pain.
They were like that for a few minutes before a throat cleared. "I do apologize."
Eleanor pulled away from Jamie, the tears evident, staining her face.
"Are you well, Eleanor?" John asked.
She shook her head, "No, I cannot say that I am."
Jamie cleared his throat, intervening. "The lad was questioning matters aboot me leaving and being apart...it affected Eleanor...and myself fer that matter." He wiped his own eyes with the back of his hand and sniffed hard.
John nodded, "That is understandable. William is asking for you. You did say you would read to him. If you do not feel up to it, I can make excuses."
"Of course, I can," Eleanor said, "I just need a moment to compose myself. Will you join me?"
He nodded. "Yes, I'd like that."
"I'll go check on Rosie and Claire," Jamie said. "and see if I can get the wee un asleep."
"Thank you," Eleanor nodded. "Give her another kiss for me."
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Goodnight, Ellie." He leaned to kiss her cheek. "Sleep well."
"Goodnight, Jamie."
He walked down the hall and Eleanor leaned against the door to the boy's room. She struggled to catch her breath, looking up at the ceiling. "I know you think that was improper. Please don't scold me now."
"Do I scold you?" John asked, lightly.
"I suppose they are more of gentle reminders," Eleanor said, wryly. "But we are newly married, but I have a feeling they will change to scolding in due time."
"I see," He gave her a smile. "Actually, I was only going to say that I know this is difficult for you. I wish I could know what to do to make it better for you."
She swallowed hard. "That's so kind of you to say. I've been an emotional mess today, John. I'm so sorry."
He reached out for her hand. She put her hand in his and he squeezed it. "No need to apologize to me, my dear."
Her lip trembled, "Today has been hard. I don't know quite what to do with it."
"Hum," he contemplated that, his eyes meeting hers, "Let's read to William and retire for the night. We'll talk privately."
She nodded, "I'd like that."
Eleanor was staring out the window at the moon, when John came into his room.
"Do you want me to ask Susanna to help with your dress?" he asked.
She shook her head, her hand still on the drapes as she sat by the window. "It's a full moon. No wonder Sam is crazy," she murmured.
"What's that?" John looked at her and then began to undress himself.
"Children get out of sorts during full moons. We used to swear by it as teachers. If it was a full moon, it would be a hard day with the children. It was oddly true."
"Do you think that accounts for his poor temper?"
"Not entirely," Eleanor said, "I think he's three." She still looked out of the window, "It is a pretty night."
"Come away from the window dearest, and change for bed," John said.
She sighed. "Yes, I am coming. I should make sure Hope is still asleep though."
"I asked for Susanna to attend to Hope for the next few hours."
"That isn't necessary," Eleanor said, her voice quiet.
"I disagree," John said. "The babe doesn't need to feed for hours. After we talk, you need to sleep, Eleanor. It has been a challenging day and clearly, the children will have an adjustment, so they need you to be rested so you can better attend to what is to come."
She raised her eyebrows at him, "Very well. I see you have taken things into command, Lord John," she said, dryly.
"Clearly not my wife," he said, equally dryly. He beckoned to her, "I suppose I will have to help you with your dress. Come over here."
She gave him a small smile in response as she moved to be next to him, "Did I stage a rebellion just now?"
"Ah, no," John retorted, getting her buttons for her, "You were quite mild tempered about it. I would ask if I overstepped, but I do not think I care." He kissed her neck before reaching for the ties of her corset.
"Is that so?" Eleanor asked as he loosened her corset, it sliding to the floor.
John stepped over to the bed to retrieve her nightgown, "You are now my wife and you clearly need someone to look after you properly."
Her lip trembled, "I do not like that you see me as fragile now."
"Not fragile, my dear," John shook his head, handing her the nightgown, "Just a bit stubborn."
"Only a bit?" Eleanor turned her back to him and slid off her shift.
John chuckled, appreciatively as he went to continue undressing.
Eleanor put on her nightgown. She bent down and picked up everything and laid it over the chair. She went over to take down her hair as John finished undressing for bed.
She turned and he climbed up on the bed and patted the spot next to him. She slid into bed next to him, her head resting on the pillow, them turning to face each other.
"What are you thinking on?" he asked, his voice kind.
"Change has always been difficult for me," Eleanor let out her breath, "Being here...and then having the children be so difficult. Knowing Jamie will leave soon. Even though he is not mine...he still...I don't know...it's like he anchors me. He bolsters me."
John reached for her hand, "May I not provide that for you?"
"Maybe but," She frowned, "I feel...uncertain around you."
"Around me? Or here?" He asked.
She paused, "More in the situation. Sometimes with you. I worry if I show you how inadequate I am with everything, you will want to distance yourself from me."
He frowned deeply, "Why would you think that?"
"You are so proper in everything," Eleanor retorted. "My life...it's full of chaos. And you are used to order. A gentleman and a solider. I'm from a different time, John. And I'm American. We are quite different. I do not think I can live up to what you expect."
"I told you I would assist you in acclimating yourself," he said, quietly, "You just do not appreciate direction."
She paused and then smiled at him, "I've been found out."
He laughed, "That was a rather quick discovery, darling."
"I wear my feelings on my sleeve."
"Ah, yes, you do," John said, lifting her hand to kiss it. "Do you not feel like I am gentle enough in guiding you to the ways of this time and place?"
She bit her lip, "You have been very gentle. I just feel...we have a saying in my time...I have a hard time not taking things personally..." she frowned, "how would you phrase it?"
"Taking things to heart?" John suggested. "Is that it?"
"Yes," she nodded. "And then some of it, I just don't agree with...like relying on others to raise my children."
His eyes were on her, "I've already hired a tutor for William. I feel like he could take on both boys. Mac is old enough to start lessons."
"But I can do that for Mac."
"Not if you are intending to not hire a nanny for the little ones," he countered, "I wish you would consider it. Or we can assign one of the household to it."
"Oh John," Eleanor let out her breath, "I was apart for them for so long. What kind of a mother am I if I cannot raise them? I already feel like a poor one and if you and Jamie keep forcing this nanny issue..."
"Just a moment," John paused, "Why do you feel like a poor mother?"
"I have always been one," Eleanor said, "With Harry and Charlotte, I was working...and distracted. And their tantrums. I yelled too much. I loved them fiercely, but I was much better with other people's children than my own. And when I became pregnant with Mac, Jamie swore to me that he would do this with me. That we would temper each other and figure all of this out together. And when I felt overwhelmed at times, he steadied me. He made me feel like I could do this because we were very much parenting them together."
"I know this afternoon was hard on you with Samuel," John said.
She gave a small smile, "Harry was the same, so I do have experience with it. It just doesn't make it easier. It makes you feel like a failure. Jamie is right- he could have probably stopped it just by the sheer presence he has."
"I can assist with teaching the children right from wrong," he said, quietly, "If you'd allow me to do so."
"Then we become bothers..."
"What did I say last night about that?" He said, his eyebrow raised. "Stop assuming my feelings." his voice turned firm. "When I wed you, I knew it came with a very complicated circumstances- just in regard to Jamie and you and the feelings you still clearly hold for each other. Both of you. And then when you add to that four children, three of which have been through such horrible circumstances, I knew that it would not be peaceful. You warned me of such. I am prepared to be as engaged as Jamie in his absence...if you'd let me." He paused, "I agree with you. I don't think you can navigate the needs of the children without Jamie...but you can very much do so with me by your side. So allow me to be by your side. Rely on me."
She swallowed down the lump in her throat. "May I tell you something?"
"Of course you may," John said.
"After what happened with Jamie...it's hard for me to trust your word completely. I hear what you are saying, I do. And I know you have always been so honorable and kind. You are a trusted friend, but I have to control pieces of myself from you..."
"Why is that?"
"I cannot be hurt again. I will not. Jamie made me promises and broke them. I know the circumstances, but still..."
He sat up and leaned against the headboard and she sat up, crossing her legs, "I do understand. And given everything you have been through, it is understandable. But I am your husband now and I will be a good one to you. We will not always get along, I'm certain there will be moments where we both want to thrash each other, but I won't leave you, Eleanor. I will try to bring us back into harmony. And I am sure I might become annoyed with the children from time to time, but you will as well, so I dare say that isn't a reason to fear."
She twirled the end of her hair around her finger, "I just..." She shrugged.
"I told you that I wish for you to be vulnerable and honest with me," he reminded her. "I stand by what I said last night and the vows I made to you yesterday morn."
She twisted her ring as she contemplated his words. "Do you truly think I am capable of living here in this time as your wife?
"My darling, what other choice do you have? You cannot change history and this was the time that the fates compelled you to. We can only make the changes that we can. If you have concerns, I'd like you to come to me and not let them fester within you."
She nodded, "I do not believe that people should be treated as property."
"I know you do not," John said. "But I cannot do anything about their freedom. I am steward of William's property and I cannot make unsound, rash decisions on his behalf."
"That is precisely why I did not want to tell you."
"So instead, you spoke to Jamie about your reservations."
"Yes, considering he turned down the inheritance of River Run."
"Was that not more Claire than Jamie?"
"I am not sure. I just wanted his perspective...since he has the 18th century view with the perspective of the future."
"I understand that, but," John said, "I need you to tell me about these matters. While I cannot change matters entirely, I will welcome your views as to how to make life more just for the persons under our care. I cannot promise to take your council on these matters, but I will take it under the greatest advisement, because I have the upmost respect for the wisdom you bring and the knowledge you have from your time. And you can continue to influence William as you have done so far, so when he is of age and sound mind, he can make the choice he wishes for himself."
She searched his eyes and then nodded. "May I ask you a question? It's changing the subject, but it has been bothering me."
"Go on," John said, seriously.
"How do wives..." she paused, "in this century navigate..." she frowned, "what is proper etiquette to know where to sleep?"
"Where to sleep?" John repeated, "As in your room verses mine?"
"Yes, I know well enough to know you choose...but if you don't say something, do I assume I should sleep in my own room? I mean...Jamie and I...we never had this issue because we shared a room from the start and Will and I, of course did, and I just don't..."
"I see," John said, quickly, "I cannot say for sure how other marriages work, but we can come upon agreed terms on how we wish ours to work. Do you prefer your solitude?"
"Considering Hope is in my room, I don't have it one way or the other," Eleanor said, dryly.
"That is true," John smiled at her, "I do wish..." he paused, "I wish to keep you close at least in the early days of our marriage to ensure you are well and that you are not...getting inside your head. If I allow you to retreat, I will never get you back."
She smiled, "You know me well."
"I am endeavoring to do so," John said, "But if there is any time that you wish to go to your own bed, for whatever reason, you just have to say. Do not be uncomfortable about dong so."
"Thank you," she said.
"You are most welcome," John retorted. "Are you tired?" he asked as she fought a yawn.
"Yes," she said, "but it has been medically proven yawning doesn't mean you are tired."
"I see," John smirked, "but you are, are you not?"
"I am," she yawned again.
"Go ahead and sleep then. I think I will read a bit before bed."
"Before I do," Eleanor said, "I need a hug."
"Do you?" John looked amused.
"I need alot of them from time to time," Ellie admitted. "Do you object?"
"Of course not," John said, opening his arms and she scooted over and into them.
"All will be well in due time," John whispered, "Do not fear what is to come for whatever comes, you are not alone."
She rested her chin on his shoulder. "I am grateful for you...for your steadiness and your kindness. I don't ever want you to think that I am not."
"I know...your heart will take time to heal, Eleanor. You cannot expect otherwise."
"But...will it ever?" she moved to look up at him.
"I have no doubt that you will always love him...but I do think the pain will lessen in time...as you learn to be more content in the circumstances you are now in."
She reached up to put her hand on his face, "You are exceedingly generous with me...what can I ever do to repay you?"
"My dear," he leaned down to kiss her gently, "You are my wife. There is nothing you will ever have to repay to me."
And in that moment, she once again felt hope...bolstered for the future...even if it as a future without the man she loved.
She kissed him again, reaching for his hand to squeeze it as she did. She pulled back and met his eyes.
"You said you were tired."
"I am," she said. "But I need to feel something besides...all of this..."
John took her other hand so both of their hands were connected. "Tell me more."
She swallowed hard, "I need to feel like your wife...that we are connected in all ways. Is that wrong?"
He shook his head swiftly, "I am just surprised you are so willing, Eleanor. Given what you told me..."
"About Murtagh?" Eleanor said. "It's different with you, John. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe the pain isn't so immediate and raw...or...I'm not sure. Maybe I'm different. Maybe I wish to try more to forge a union between us. Maybe because I know you understand how I feel- that we both have to figure out how to make this work in our hearts," She paused, "but if you'd rather read..." she shrugged.
He pulled her closer to him. "The book can wait."
"I want to be really tired after this," Eleanor told him. "Like I have no choice but to forget that I have had such a dreadful emotional afternoon and night. That I am not such an ungraceful, clumsy wife and inept mother."
"My dear," he laughed at her, "You are no such thing. But if you wish me to exhaust you, that can most certainly be arranged."
"Do you think so?"
"When have I ever been one to shy from a challenge?" John pulled her up on his lap.
And true to his word, when they were done, Eleanor curled up and fell fast asleep in his arms. He watched her sleep, stroking her arm as he did. And when he was sure that she was comfortably asleep, he gently disentangled her from him, pulling up the covers to make sure she was warm in her state of undress.
He leaned over to give her a kiss on the head, before reaching for the lamp and his book and taking it into the sitting room that joined their two rooms.
A/N: thoughts?