A/N: A BIG thank you to all who have taken the time to review the last chapter. Are Ellie and Lord John falling for each other? They definitely are becoming deeply connected with each other, and I think that John has always understood Eleanor's heart very well, but the pull of Jamie Fraser is strong...for both of them. :) Curious to see what you think of this chapter...Happy (almost) Fri-yay!
Chapter 28:
"Do we have to?" Eleanor frowned. "Jamie will not be here for much longer and I want to spend as much time as a family as possible."
"No, we do not have to," John said, slowly as he folded the letter. "We can make our regrets, however, I just thought it would be easier for us to attend if you knew the children were with Claire and Jamie, at least for this first engagement."
"I just..." Eleanor winced.
"I know you would much rather prefer to stay at home," John put the letter in his pocket and then came over to where she was standing. He offered his hand to her and led her to sit with him on the couch in the library. He put their joined hands on his knees and turned to her, attentively, "But our marriage and your new role comes with certain obligations. Is there something specific that is distressing you?"
"What if I say or do something that embarrasses you?"
"My darling, I do not think that is possible," John said, seriously. "You do not realize your charms, but they are evident to anybody you come in contact with. Even in Jamaica, you were well liked. Your shy nature was not off putting, but I can understand how you would feel that it was."
"I can't dance."
"It's a supper party," John countered. "When we are invited to a ball at the governor's palace, I'll teach you beforehand."
"When we are invited to what?" Eleanor's eyes widened and her voice contained her horror. "I didn't even think that to be a possibility."
John laughed, "It's a party, not an execution, dearest. And it will most likely not be for some time as our engagements will keep us here. But before you are thrust into that situation, I think you should ease into society with a supper among the neighboring plantations. We'll have to reciprocate eventually, but for now, let's just take it one step at a time."
"I don't curtsey right," Eleanor said. "I fumble each time."
"Do you think?" John said, his voice light. "You did at first, but I haven't noticed it since our first meeting or two."
"John," Eleanor groaned. "You weren't supposed to agree with me."
"I am only partly agreeing with you," John countered. "Stand up and show me so I can see what you mean."
"No," Eleanor grunted, crossing her arms, very much looking like her son, "I don't want to."
"You are worse than the children," John said. "Go on now." He gave her a nudge.
"It's mortifying," Eleanor said. "I don't want you looking at me."
"I look at you all the time," John said. "I have even seen you undressed. I look at you then as well. Go on, Lady John. We can't have you fumbling about."
"Bossy," she grunted, but went to stand in front of him. "I do not have anything proper to wear."
"You have many dresses that would be most suitable. I ensured that before we wed."
"Yes, but..."
"Eleanor, my dear, I may be the most patient of all your husbands, but even I have my limits," John said, dryly.
Eleanor titled her head and glared, but John raised his eyebrow at her so she knew he was saying it mostly in jest.
"Okay, okay," Eleanor said.
"Ellie," John clucked, disapprovingly.
"Well, what do you say then...?" she asked, letting out a frustrated breath.
"Yes, yes, or something like that," John retorted. "Curtsey."
"Darling, bossy husband," she said as curtseyed.
"Ah," John stood, deep in thought. "You're right. Do it again, but lift your dress higher so I can see what your feet are doing."
"Darling, extremely bossy husband," she curtseyed again.
He ignored her, "Your back foot is too far to the side. It's making your balance strange."
"That is because it is an incredibly awkward movement."
"Not if you put your back foot closer to your front," he responded. "It will help your balance to do so. Try it."
She made a face, but followed his direction.
"See, that's better," John said. "You also have to keep your shoulders up. Head down."
"The English and all their bloody awful rules."
"It isn't limited to the English, my darling," John said, with a raised eyebrow, because he knew that she was in earnest trying to provoke him now.
"At least it was in my time. Curtsey was done to the Queen, not in formal greeting. But that was only in England. In America, we hug a friend or shake hands when meeting someone."
"Be that as it may, you still need to know how it is done properly because you are living in this time," John said, his voice gentle, but firm, refusing to let her provoke his temper. "Try again," he moved to face her again.
Eleanor did so again, but this time stumbled.
John frowned deeply, "You did that on purpose."
"I did not," Ellie said. "I'm truly this uncoordinated."
"Surely not," he said.
"Surely so," Eleanor said, mocking his tone.
He studied her to see if she was teasing or truly challenging him, wondering how measured his response should be. It was then they were interrupted by a knock on the half opened library doors.
Jamie stood in the entrance, Rosie in his arms. John beckoned him in but he stopped when he saw Eleanor and John looking intently at each other. He could fill the tension in the air between them.
"I'm verra sorry to interrupt."
"You are not," Eleanor said, pulling her eyes away from John's. She went over to kiss Rosie on the head, "How's my girl doing? Why are you not sleeping?"
"Dinna take a long rest today," Jamie said. "I told her that we would find ye. Do ye want to go to Mama?"
Rosie shook her head and clung to Jamie. "i just wanna see her."
"Ah, weel, there she is leannan," Jamie said. "What are you doing?"
Eleanor turned to him, "Have you ever noticed my curtsy was lacking?"
Jamie glanced at John, sensing he was walking into an ambush with Eleanor. John titled his head in clear warning to tread lightly.
"Weel, maybe it isna as graceful as it could be," he offered, almost sheepishly.
"James Fraser, why didn't you ever try to help me?" Eleanor said, aghast, "I asked you specifically and you said I was fine."
"I dinna want to hurt yer feelings," Jamie defended, "And I dinna think ye would have to do much of it considering where we were. Not, if we were to go into society, I would have helped ye. I dinna think ye could help it. Ye arena the most graceful, but..." Jamie quickly continued as Eleanor's scowl increased tenfold, "you make up fer it in so many other charming ways."
She turned her glare to John, who struggled to keep from laughing at Jamie's discomfort. He sobered immediately at her look now directed at him.
"That's it, I'm not going," Eleanor said, adamantly.
"A curtsey lasts for a moment," John said, reasonably, "You cannot think to use that as an excuse not to go."
"I very much can," Eleanor retorted. "And I very much will."
"I do not think so," John said, his manner easy, but his voice became quieter, a signal for those who knew him well that he had reached his limits of patience. Jamie, who knew him well, figured this was a good time to leave the two of them alone.
Jamie began to step away with Rosie, trying to sneak out.
"Where are you going?" Eleanor asked him.
"I dinna want to witness yer first martial argument," Jamie said. "Dinnae ye need privacy fer that?"
"We are not fighting," Eleanor said, "I don't fight with Lord John, that is reserved only for you, James Fraser."
"Give it time, lassie," Jamie said, wryly. "Ye canna be on yer best behavior always."
"So, it would be me starting the fights, would it? That was certainly not the case when we were married."
"Weel, between ye and him," Jamie said, wincing at her look, "Lord John is far more measured than ye."
"More reasonable?"
"Aye."
John cleared his throat, "Perhaps, you should allow Jamie to exit this situation with grace before digging himself too deep in it, my dear."
"She's pushing me to it," Jamie said to him.
"Oh, I am very well aware of that fact, Jamie," John said, titling his head at her. "If you are feeling offended or hurt by our guidance, Eleanor, then perhaps you should say so, instead of going off in a temper. Jamie really did not do anything here. And while he is family, he is still is our guest, is he not, Lady John?" His admonishment was gently given, but she had a feeling if she pushed back, John wouldn't hesitate to call her out on it in a less gentle manner. She was also well aware of Rosie watching the adults, her thumb in her mouth.
She met his eyes, "Oh, very well. You're right. I have been sensitive about it," she turned to her former husband, "I'm sorry, Jamie. It was badly done."
"Think nothing of it, mo ghraidh," Jamie said, easily, shifting Rosie in his arms. "Maybe Rosie would like to see yer curtsy."
"Rosie try!" Rosie said, clapping her hands. "Rosie try, Da!"
"An excellent notion," John said, "If Rosie is willing to try, then surely her mama would be willing to accommodate her."
She grumped at John, who leaned over to whisper in her ear, "It is far less of an ordeal then you are making it to be. This started in jest betwixt us, do not let it turn into something more negative in nature," He admonished further, but this time only for her ears.
She forced a smile and then went to her daughter. "Lord John is going to help. Are you ready, darling?"
"Aye, aye, aye!" Rosie clapped.
"Very well, my lady, Rose," John bowed to her. "When a proper lady, like your mama, greets an acquaintance, whether new or old, she curtseys to them. Eleanor, show her how."
Eleanor gaze moved from John to Jamie, who was looking quite amused and then back at John, who smiled at her and then to her daughter.
"Rose, watch mama," she said, lifting her skirts, "Put your foot like this. Not too far out behind it and you just bend your knees and dip down, holding your dress up, like this," Eleanor curtseyed, looking fully the lady that she is now.
John nodded at her, in approval.
Rosie tried to imitate Eleanor, but ended up bobbling forward and then giggled. She tried again, this time, it was much more lady like.
"That's a good girl!" she said, smiling at Rosie. "And when you greet someone like a gentleman, you can offer your hand as you do and say their name."
"Watch this Lady Rose," John said, his eyes on Eleanor, locked with hers. She blushed, suddenly aware of the look he was giving her. She knew that if she let herself, she could take his censure to heart, but the look John was giving her, was so full of care and respect that she began to realize that he was just trying to do right by her- as he promised her in the days since they wed. And she had let her jest turn into something more negative.
John bowed to Eleanor, "Lady John," He extended his hand to Eleanor, who took it, curtseying while she did, "Lord John. How do you do?"
Rosie giggled and clapped in delight. "Do it with Da!"
Eleanor's eyes shifted to Jamie, who titled his head in her direction.
"Very well, Jamie, do you want to show our daughter?"
"Aye, I would be verra glad to greet ye," Jamie said, a twinkle in his eye.
"This time, you start first, Ellie," John said.
Eleanor cursteyed to Jamie, "Mr. Fraser," she extended her hand. "It's a pleasure to see you."
"my lady," Jamie leaned to kiss her hand as he bowed. "it is very good to see ye."
Rosie giggled some more, "I try! Rosie try. Da kiss Rosie hand!"
The three adults chuckled and Jamie swept over to his daughter in a grand gesture and sat on his knees so he was level with her.
Rosie very seriously curtseyed, "Da," she began to babble words and offered her hand and Jamie equally seriously kissed it, bowing to her. "My daughter."
All the sudden, Eleanor realized her eyes were filling with tears at the sweet scene between Jamie and their daughter. It was not only for the loss of Jamie to Rosie, but the fact that Hope would never get to claim this wonderful man as her Da and have these moments with him. Sensing her distress, John came up next to her and put his arm around her waist, pulling her comfortingly to his side.
Jamie rose, suddenly emotional as well. He swung Rosie up in his arms, giving her a peck on the cheek, "Weel done, wee un!" he praised. He looked at Eleanor, "And weel done, Lady John. Much improved."
She laughed through her tears, "I thank you, Mr. Fraser," she said, her voice quiet.
Jamie cleared his throat, "Perhaps, we should find Claire, aye, lassie?"
Rosie clapped her hands, "Aye. Find Claire."
Jamie gave them both a smile, his eyes still filled with unshed tears, before leaving them alone. Eleanor turned into John's arms and buried her head against his shoulder and allowed her tears to flow, her heart filled with sorrow with what is to come. John simply held her and let her cry, sensing that is what she needed most.
"You didn't have to wait up," Eleanor said as they arrived back home to Jamie, lounging in the sitting room, a drink in his hand.
"I wanted to give ye an update on the wee uns, before retiring," Jamie said. John helped Eleanor take off her wrap and handed it to Tom who had greeted them. Eleanor reached to remove her gloves, also handing it to him. John took off his outer coat, "Thank you, Tom." He paused, "Will you send Susanna to Lady John in about a half an hour? And tell her that Lady John will need to feed Hope soon."
"Of course, my Lord," Tom bowed and left them alone.
"How was it?" Jamie asked. "Ye certainly looked bonny tonight."
"Didn't she?" John said, smiling at her. "I assure you she was the most charming woman in the entire room."
"Well, considering all the others are quite my senior, it would be natural that you would think that," Eleanor said, wryly. "Don't let him fool you, Jamie."
"I dare say I would think that regardless," John said, matter of factually, his eyes on her. "You were witty and charming tonight, Eleanor. A positive addition to the gathering and to myself."
Eleanor blushed again. John had been in good spirits tonight and Eleanor had been promptly rewarded for her excellent behavior on the ride home. It never ceased to amaze her that in the week of marriage, he was more than willing to explore relations between the two of them, pushing them into further intimacy. She sensed that he needed to feel that connection with her as well- just as she needed it.
"I dinnae doubt it," Jamie said. "Your color is heightened," he rose to give her a kiss on the cheek, welcoming her back home. "Ye dinna drink too much wine, did ye?"
Eleanor's color heightened even more, "No, I was careful not to, considering I'm still feeding the little one."
"Aye, ye usually are," Jamie paused and then glanced between the two of them. "The supper lasted awfully late. I was beginning to worry."
"Not too late," Eleanor said, before John could poke her into not revealing too much. "The ride took longer than expected," she fumbled. "Traffic."
"Traffic?" Jamie's eyebrows raised. "What is traffic?"
"Um," Eleanor looked to John, who shrugged. He wasn't ashamed of their escapades on the way home, but was amused by the woman who was so charming and managed to look completely at ease hours early, whether she felt so or not, was clearly feeling undone at the thought her ex would suspect that she was enjoying too much the pleasures of married life. "John?"
"I'm not sure what you mean either" John said."Where are you going with this?"
"I suppose traffic is excessive amounts of carriages on the road."
Jamie's eyes widened, suddenly becoming aware of what was happening.
"Ach," he grunted. He knew that color rising of Eleanor's well and the horridness of which she lied to cover that up. They were waylaid but it had nothin to do with carriages on the road in the middle of the countryside. " Ye dinnae have to say anything further, lassie. Ye are horrid at being stealth. I ken that weel." He glanced at John, who gave nothing away, not even a smile for he was very good at being covert when needed.
John gently led Eleanor to sit on the settee across from Jamie with him.
"Do give your verdict, Lady John," John said to her. "Was it as horrid as you thought it was going to be?"
"No," Eleanor said, "It wasn't. Everyone was welcoming and not so pretentious as I thought they might be. Granted, I still wished to be at home with the children, but tonight wasn't awful."
"That is the best ye could have hoped from, John," Jamie said.
"I agree," John said, a gentle smile in Eleanor's direction. "How are the little ones? I trust William did not give you trouble about bedtime."
"Not at all," Jamie said, "He is a fine lad. Sam and Mac however..." he looked to Eleanor.
"Oh gracious," Eleanor said. "What happened?"
"We thought they might need baths from their romp in the yard and mud today. More water got out than in. I'm not sure they are any cleaner fer it."
Eleanor giggled. "Did Da get soaked too?"
"Aye," Jamie said, "Tis so. Completely."
"Well, they are your sons, Jamie," Eleanor offered. "You told me that it would never be dull after Sam was born and our sons have certainly lived up to that."
"Aye," Jamie smiled at the memory, "They have."
Eleanor's heart twisted at the thought of Jamie leaving in a two more days. But at the moment, there was another pressing need. She stood, "I really need to go feed the baby."
The discomfort had been building up and now she was completely filled after skipping two feedings. The feeling caused a sudden flashback to when Rosie was taken from her so young. She froze, planted by her anxiety and the feeling of dread she felt that night.
"Eleanor," John frowned as he rose quickly to her side, "You look like you are going to faint." He gripped her, tightly. "What is it, darling?"
Jamie read the look and quietly slipped out of the room, climbing the stairs two at a time to retrieve the bairn for Eleanor.
"I just had a flashback, more of the feeling...the night the children were taken," She whispered.
"What brought that memory on?" John asked, his arms still around her, holding her steady.
She looked down, "Christ sake's," she grunted as her dress became stained. "That did," she said.
John winced. "I'm sorry, we should have come home right away."
"No," Eleanor said, "You probably relieved some of it tonight otherwise this would have happened sooner."
John looked dismayed. "Do you ever wish not to do this? We can hire someone to feed Hope."
"No," Eleanor shook her head, as Jamie came back into the room, trying to rouse Hope from her sleep.
"Here ye are, lass," Jamie said.
"Thank goodness," Ellie said, "Thank you, Jamie."
"Of course," Jamie smiled at her. "I'll give ye yer privacy."
"Are you tired?" John asked as him and Jamie left the room.
"No, I canna say I am," Jamie confessed, "Claire went to bed hours ago."
"Would you like a chess match and another drink?" John asked.
"Aye," Jamie nodded as John walked with Jamie into the foyer and across to the library.
"How did you know?" John asked as Jamie got the drinks while he set up the board.
"That is the benefits of being marrit longer than a few days," Jamie said, wryly. "I dinna ken what her look was over. It was verra strange." He paused, thinking it over. "it caused her to remember the night the bairns were taken," he shuddered at the memory. "The poor lass was in so much discomfort over that on top of the pain from losing them. It was an awful time fer us all."
"Yes," John sighed, "Her heart is so wounded at times, Jamie."
"Aye, I am verra sorry fer it," Jamie said, handing him the drink. "I will go to my death regretting the pain I have caused the woman I love...both of them fer Claire sees and feels it too. Eleanor tries very hard not to make her the enemy in this, but Claire kens she was the disruptor."
John studied him, "Your relationship with Claire- does it suffer as a result?"
"At times," Jamie said, "But at other times, it as if nothing has happened to change between us. My love fer Eleanor and our family never hampered my love fer Claire. But in the reverse, my love for Claire, never hampered my love fer Eleanor. It is confounding that I canna just turn one off for the other. Claire understands that I canna and she is learning to accept it without feeling like it is a slight to her."
John looked sympathetic, "You did what you felt was right."
"Aye but I canna say that it as right," Jamie said, "Fer Eleanor. Fer the bairns. But it seems that ye are doin yer best to settle her."
"I wish to make her content," John said, "Very much so."
Jamie studied him. "She responds weel to ye, John. Fer what it is worth. Ye ken how to speak to her without riling her up further. It will serve ye and her both weel in yer marriage."
John smiled, "I'm learning how. Knowing when to be more forceful verses more gentle...it isn't easy to anticipate how she will react. But I am learning how to speak to her and lead her."
"Aye," Jamie said, "I would usually try to bend her will to mine. I dinna usually work so weel, between ye and I."
John chuckled. "I can only imagine."
"I'm glad to ken that the lass is in gut hands," Jamie said, letting out his breath, "But I must ken fer ye are my friend as weel. Will ye be content?"
John nodded, "I believe I will be. I am already finding myself to be. She is remarkable, Jamie. And very dear to me."
"Then I am glad fer ye as weel," Jamie said, his voice sincere and then paused as he remembered the conversation. "Excessive carriages on the road," Jamie chuckled. "God, I will miss the lass."
John laughed in turned. "Shall we play? You make your move first, Mr. Fraser."
"Aye, we shall," Jamie said, moving his piece.
Eleanor's heart felt like it was going to tear into two watching Jamie say goodbye to the children, one by one. He eyed Hope at first and then determinedly went and gave the bairn a kiss on the head before picking up Rosie, who clung to him tightly.
Eleanor handed Hope to Susanna, who took her inside. John put his arm around Eleanor's waist, trying to provide her comfort so she would be strong for the children.
"It willna be too long until ye come and see us," Jamie said, Rosie still in his arms, his hand in Mac's crouching down to his son's level. "Mama and Lord John will take gut care of ye."
Mac fought the tears that were welling up in his eyes. "I dinna want ye to go."
"Dinna go, Da!" Sam said.
"Oh my lads," Jamie said, "Dinna fash so. Be gut lads fer yer mama. She loves ye so."
Rosie was wide eyed as she clung to Jamie, not fully understanding what was happening, but to know well enough that her brothers were upset.
He gave each of them a kiss on the head and gathered all his children in his arms. Eleanor leaned over to bury her head in John's shoulder for a moment, trying to gather her emotions.
He patted the side of her head. "Be strong, darling," he entreated.
Jamie straightened and Eleanor saw his resolve. The boys clung to his legs and Rosie around his neck.
His eyes met Eleanor's. He leaned across the boys to give her a kiss on the cheek. He leaned to whisper in her ear, even though he was aware that John could hear him in the close proximity he was keeping to Ellie, but still he didn't hesitate. "Ye are the best mama fer our wee uns. Dinna think fer a moment I think otherwise. God gave me ye and them when I need ye the most- when I felt like I couldna go on. I will be forever in yer debt, mo ghraidh."
"No, Jamie, I do not know what I would have done that night if you had not been there...I do not regret it...any of it." She whispered back.
He nodded at her and then gently untangled Rosie from her death grasp and with another kiss, shoved her towards Eleanor. She started wailing. Sam started to cry as Jamie walked away, putting his arm around Claire, who had said her goodbyes earlier and was standing in the yard. John bent down to pick up his godson, who buried his face in John's shoulder. Eleanor reached to grip Mac's hand, pulling him to her side. She knelt down beside him.
"Mac, my darling," she said, her voice quiet.
Mac straightened his shoulders and wiped the tears from his eyes. "Dinna fash aboot me, mama."
Still Eleanor drew him into her other arm, hugging him tightly, her back to Jamie's retreating form. Jamie couldn't help but turn around for one last long look at his bairns, before climbing on the horse and riding away.
Mac did not cry, but still kept his face buried against Eleanor's chest, his head next to Rosie's, who was hiccuping.
"Da go bye bye?" Rosie said.
"Aye," Mac replied. "But we'll see him soon. Dinna cry Rose. We'll see him soon."
Eleanor looked over to John, her eyes concerned. John shook his head slowly, his hand still rubbing Sam's back.
Eleanor continued to rock Rosie, who was crying against her when John came into Rose's room.
"How is she?" he asked.
"I don't know," Eleanor said, "It is as if nothing I can do will comfort her. How are the boys?"
"Trying to fall asleep, I think, or that is what they claim," John said. "Hope is asleep. Do you want me to send Susanna in here to take Rose from you?"
Eleanor shook her head, "If I don't get through tonight with her, I doubt she will ever respond to me," she whispered. "I think she is half asleep."
"Very well," John said. "What else can I do?"
Eleanor shrugged, "I don't know."
Sam came into the room, "Mama, I wanna sleep next to ye. I scared."
Eleanor exchanged a look with John, who frowned. He put his hand on his godson's head and turned him around, "Come, Samuel. You and I can discuss your fears."
"But I wanna my mama," Samuel cried.
"Mama is busy with Rosie," Lord John countered. "When she is done, she will come and look in on you."
"Tis not fair. She is always with Hope and Rosie. I wanna my mama too. Or I wanna Da!" He began to stop his foot and John inclined his head at him, "No, young sir." he said, his voice low and firm. "We are not starting that, Samuel. It is far too late for a tantrum of that sort."
Samuel pouted but his foot stilled.
"Wise choice," John said, his hand on his arm, "Now, let's go and discuss this fear of yours."
He lead Sam away. Eleanor continued to rock Rosie until the crying became hiccups and Rosie exhausted herself to sleep. She kissed her head and gently laid her in her bed. She went to check in on both boys, who were fast asleep.
"Thank you, God," Eleanor whispered in prayer. She went to John's room, knocking on the door before allowing herself in.
Hope was currently lying on the bed next to John, who was offering his finger for her to chew.
"What is she doing up?" Eleanor asked, in dismay. "She was the first one I put to bed."
"Susanna thinks it is teeth," John said. "Or maybe she is hungry again. I said I would take her. I told her to retire for the night, but she said she wanted to help you undress before doing so."
Eleanor nodded, "Are you alright for another few minutes?" Eleanor asked.
"I believe so," John said, seriously, "If she doesn't chew my finger off. She is really gnawing at it."
"God help me," Eleanor murmured. "Perfect timing to get teeth, Hope."
She went to her room to greet and thank Susanna, who helped her change out of her dress and into her nightgown. She took down her hair and brushed it out for her, before Eleanor went into John's room. She climbed up on the bed. "Let me have her." She settled the bairn at her breast, trying to soothe her. Hope fell right back to sleep in minutes.
"She is comfort feeding" Eleanor remarked as she shifted her up in her arms. "Let me go put her back."
She went to place her in her crib, rubbing her hair gently as she did before heading back to John's bed.
She climbed up again. John was sitting against the headboard, a book on his lap, but not looking at it. His eyes were closed and there was an odd expression on his face, one that Eleanor couldn't read.
"Is everything...well?" Eleanor asked, concerned.
"Of course," John said, "I'm weary. I cannot imagine how you feel."
Eleanor swallowed hard, "Thank you for helping with the little ones tonight. They will adjust and it will become easier."
"Undoubtedly so," John said, opening his eyes and turning his head to look at her, "but we are shifting responsibilities of the household around until the full adjustment is made. Decide whom you trust. William's tutor will be here within the month and I would like everything running smoothly before then."
"Jamie just left." Eleanor protested. "And you know how I feel about help with the children."
"I know, but even when he was here if often took all four of us to settle down the five children for sleep. I am just being practical, my darling. I know it is not what you want to hear tonight, but I need to say it. Do not mistake me, we will still take the bulk of the roles with the children- We will tuck into bed, read stories, soothe bad dreams, settle tempers, look after their lessons and find activities for them...but while we are dealing with one of our wayward children, the other wayward children need to be looked after properly. We are by far outnumbered."
He had called them our. He was being incredibly kind and sweet, but still he was essentially telling her the way it was going to be.
"John," Eleanor sighed. "Please. I need to feel like I can do this on my own."
"We already established you cannot," he said, his voice gentle. "Do not fear. We are not letting others raise them. We are simply using the resources we have been made available us and putting them to the best use. In this way, if we have to attend an engagement, you will feel at ease knowing the children are looked after properly."
She frowned at him, "You've worked it all out, haven't you?"
He titled his head, "Do not be angry when you know that I am being being very reasonable about it."
"You cannot always be so reasonable, sometimes you just have to feel..."
"The minute we let our feelings guide us, chaos ensues," John said. "It isn't as if we are handing them off to a nanny. You are still responsible for their day to day. I'm just saying that we need to call on the available staff to help us. That way we can focus more on what each individual child might need from us."
"Okay," Eleanor grunted. "I mean...fine..."
"You are still upset with me."
"No, not with you," Eleanor said. "I don't know. I am all worked up about Jamie leaving and...the kids are hurting...and...you were really good with them tonight, but I forgot the way you were raised...I know this is a compromise for you...and it is reasonable. If I am fighting the urge to lash out at you, it is just because I'm taking my feelings about Jamie leaving out on you, but I'm going to try my hardest not to do so."
John reached out to rub a finger against her cheek. "I miss Jamie too, Eleanor."
The way he said it was so sweet...and true.
The tears filled in her eyes, suddenly grateful...for this man who had given up so much, just to ensure that she was cared for and happy.
"I cannot possibly fill the gap he has left in your life and in your heart, for Jamie Fraser, has a presence that is unmatched, but I will do my best to make his absence more bearable for you and the children." His finger went under her chin to lift it up, "It is not that I do not want to be bothered by the children, it is that I want to figure out the best way to care for you and the children. You have to trust my judgment. My timing was perhaps poor due to your overwrought feelings, but given that tonight showed us both how needy the children truly are, I felt like it was the ideal time to approach it with you..."
She swallowed hard, her eyes meeting his. "Very well. I concede to your superior judgement, husband."
His eyes twinkled, "Not superior, just more practical. You will run yourself in the ground if I allow you to. I choose not to allow you to."
"Do you think you have such control over me?" Eleanor's eyes now sparkled herself. "You have seen where that philosophy led Jamie."
He crooked his finger at her, beckoning her closer. When she scooted closer to him, he kissed her. "Into more passion, did it not?"
She pulled back, "Oddly true. The sex afterwards was often worth the fights."
He laughed at her, "That was so blunt."
"If I cannot be blunt with you, who can I be with?" She said, smiling. "But still you gamble, Lord John. I am not easy to control."
"I am most aware of that delightful fact," John said, "Rest assured, I choose wisely when to exercise my martial right to control."
"Oh, do you?"
"Oh most assuredly so," John said, undoing her nightgown and pushing it off her shoulders. "For instance, I believe I'm choosing it right now."
"If I am willing," Eleanor said, "I doubt it constitutes as control."
"And if you are unwilling right now, I doubt any one of us would partaking in the pleasures of our marital bed," John retorted, dryly, "That is now what I meant."
"What do you mean then?" she asked as he covered her chest with his hand.
"You believe me to be so completely refined that I cannot match the passion that you and Jamie shared."
She was taken aback, "This is a wholly unexpected direction."
"Well?" John asked. "Am I mistaken?"
"Perhaps, that is true," Eleanor said. "Jamie was a highlander warrior. He exuded raw strength and passion. And he was...not...well...he preferred women," She paused, "Are we really having this discussion tonight of all nights?"
"I think we are," John said. "There are times you wish for it to be unmeasured between you and your partner. You do not think me capable of it in regards to you. I wish to prove you wrong."
"But why tonight?" Eleanor frowned.
"Because..." John said, quietly, "I am feeling raw as well. I feel his loss. It is this way every time he leaves. With the children, I feel like I cannot get drunk on wine tonight or seek pleasure elsewhere like I would be apt to do...but I can get...distracted by you and I."
"But you don't feel passion towards me, so how would it work for you?"
"I feel inklings of it," John said, honestly, "At the moment, I feel the strongest desire that I need you now...in this unrestrained way. Is it passion? I know not. But it is need, Eleanor. Will you let me explore it?"
Even in her emotional exhaustion, she knew that if John said he needed this, he needed it. He was being vulnerable with her...she could reciprocate.
She reached for his hand, holding it.
"You are trembling," he said, kissing her hand. "You aren't frightened, are you? I will not hurt you, my dear."
"No, Lord John, I am not scared," she said, her voice low. "Have you ever stopped to think that maybe I need to explore this as much as you?"
He paused, looked at her in wonder and then pulled her up into his arms.
Eleanor slipped her nightgown back on and went to sit on the settee. John had fallen asleep right away- after he had held her and spoke words of comfort to her, his tender affection and regard for her made plainly evident in the aftermath of their liaison.
She opened the curtain to look at the moon, allowing her to lose herself in her thoughts. She did not know how long she sat there, crying softly, but she found that she could not stop.
John approached her, "Sweetheart," he said, keeling beside her. "What is the matter?"
"Do you remember that time in Edinburgh? When you found me crying in the middle of the night?"
"Of course, I do," he reached for her hand. "It was the first time I fully realized that jealousy was not the first emotion I felt in regard to you."
She sniffed hard. "I know. I hated that I hurt you, just by being with him."
"I know you did," John said, squeezing her hand. "I saw it that night- and I saw the beauty you had within you. The sweet loveliness that endears us all to you. What made you think of that night?"
She wiped at her eye with her other hand. "It was also the first time...Jamie and I..." she paused.
"Had it this way betwix you?" John said, rising to sit next to her. "I don't know if I should be honored or offended that this is where your mind went."
"Please don't be offended," Eleanor said, her voice low, "I am just trying to process."
He nodded, "Do you feel well? Physically...I did not...I mean...you said you liked it...was that not true?"
"It was true," She paused and then titled her head, "I'll let you know in the morning how I feel."
"How do you feel right now?"
"My emotions feel more raw right now than any physical affects. Remember how I wanted to keep parts of myself from you?"
He nodded. "Was this one of them?"
She nodded.
"Then why did you consent?"
"Because I felt that you needed it...and I care for you...and to be honest, I wanted it as well."
"So what's the issue?"
She shrugged, "I cannot say. It doesn't have to be rational to feel a certain way," she wiped her eyes. "You are just going to have to let me."
He reached for her, pulling her against him, "Then allow me to hold you and let you feel what you do."
And yet again, he held her as she wept out her feelings of frustration, regret and despair.
"I know I am not what you want," she whispered. "I'm so sorry for that."
"Sh," he hushed her. "The only thing that I know for certain that I do want is your happiness, Eleanor. And on my honor, I will not rest until I see you content." he pulled her away from him and dipped her chin up with his hand, "I am as confounded as you are about tonight and why I needed it...Just do not draw away from me. Will you promise me?"
She nodded, "I promise you. I will not draw away."
"Mama," Mac whispered. "Mama, I need ye."
Eleanor turned over onto her side, struggling to open her eyes. "Mac, darling. What is wrong?"
Mac's lip trembled. "What if something happens to Da?"
She sat up in bed. "Da is fine, Mac."
Mac burst into tears. "I dinna think he is."
"Honey," Eleanor reached for him, picking him up and holding him close, shocked. John stirred sitting up.
"Is it Sam?" he asked.
Eleanor held Mac close. "It's Mac."
"Mac?" John sat up and reached to light the lamp next to him, the room lighting up. He grabbed his dressing gown and wrapped it around him and then took the lamp around the bed to sit next to Eleanor as she was holding her oldest son.
"Can you tell me why you think something is wrong with Da?" Eleanor asked, her voice strained at how upset he was.
Mac shook his head and buried it against her.
John put a hand on Eleanor's arm to get her attention and then shook his head, a silent message not to let her emotions overtake her. John waited a few minutes and then put his hand out to rub his stepson's hair. "James."
Mac stopped crying to turn his head towards John. It was rare that anybody used his given name- sometimes Mama and Da, but only when they were angry. "Aye?"
"Was your dream very real?" John asked, his voice soothing.
Mac nodded. "Verra."
"Will you not tell us what it was about?" he said.
"She...it was about her. She took us again. And then she took Da. She wanted to make us king. I had to be strong, but I was so verra scared."
Eleanor shuddered as John's hand remained on Mac's head.
"I see," he said, seriously. "Does it feel like that might actually happen again?"
"I ken she is dead, but the dream...it seemed verra real. Da promised nothin would happen again, but he isna here. And I want him here. I canna keep them safe. And I canna be upset that he is gone because then Rosie and Sam cry more."
"That is a dilemma," John said seriously, rubbing his head. "One that you and I should thoroughly discuss. But you are tired now and it must be hard to think with your head."
"Aye," Mac said. "Tis so."
"For now, for tonight only, how about you sleep on the settee in here? You can use one of the blankets on our bed. Then you'll know that you are safe and if you need us, we will be close by. And in the morning, you and I can talk further."
Mac nodded. Eleanor whispered over his head, "Thank you."
John nodded and then took Mac from Eleanor's arms.
John had his hand on Mac's shoulder as they took a walk through the grove. "Do you often have dreams?" John asked, his demeanor relaxed and easy.
"Aye," Mac nodded.
"What do you usually do when you do?" John prompted.
"Go back to sleep. Count to one hundred."
"What made you come to Mama last night?"
"I thought somehin was wrong with Da." Mac frowned, "I still kinda do."
"Your Da is perfectly capable of taking care of himself," John said.
"I ken, but sometimes bad things happen," Mac said, seriously.
John gestured for him to sit in the grass amid the grove. He sat down next to him. "You are absolutely correct, James. Sometimes bad things do happen. Like when you were taken from your parents...and Sam and Rosie."
"I was sad but I had to pretend not to be," Mac said, quietly. "Sam kept crying. I had to help take care of him. And Rosie was such a wee un. There was no un to hold her. She had a nurse, but they dinna allow her to be with Rosie unless she needed fed. I tried to take care of her."
"That was very brave and mature of you to do so," John said. "But you do know that you no longer have to take on the responsibility of your siblings. Your mama is here. And I am too. If you are feeling sad or upset or worried, then I do not want you to hide it any longer because you think you have to be strong for Sam and Rosie and Hope."
Mac paused. "But I am the oldest. I have to be."
"Yes, you are," John said, seriously, "And being the oldest will naturally come with some added responsibilities just as my brother is responsible for our family. But Mac that is many years from now. You are only six years old. You need to be a boy. To run around and amuse yourself. To learn your lessons. To fight with your brother and sisters. To get into mischief and trouble. To climb up in your mama's nap if you are hurting or upset. You are brave, James Mackenzie, but being brave doesn't mean that you have to act twice your age. You need to be free to make mistakes and let the adults worry if need be. Trust me, your mama can worry for the lot of you." John let out a breath, "Do you at all understand what I am saying?"
Mac looked at him seriously and nodded. "I'm awfully tired of bein gut all the time."
John laughed, "I'm so pleased to hear that."
Mac plopped back on the grass, "Lord John?"
"Yes, Mac?"
"Mama smiles again now."
John reached down to ruffle his hair, "I know. I'm glad for it. Your mama has a beautiful smile...and a beautiful soul."
"She's the best," Mac said, fervently.
"I have to say I agree with your assessment, Mac." John said. He rose. "Now, I do believe that William wanted to go riding today. Would you like to join us?"
Mac gave a wide smile, "Aye, please."
"Very good," John put his hand on his head and guided Mac back to the house, the boy chattering all the way home.
A/N: Thoughts?