What the Rational Mind Cannot Reconcile

by Professor Black 04

In the years following Claire, Jamie haunts the stones, yet instead of Claire, he meets another woman, from an even more modern age. When she cannot return to her own time, Jamie marries her. Will they manage to make a life together, or will their past forever follow them?

29. Chapter 29

A/N: Thank you for those who took the time to review the last chapter. This chapter became like three chapters long. But it made sense as one installment, so...here it is. As a warning, there are some adult things happening, but nothing explicit...and I think it remained true to both of their characters...and the time in which they live. Reality has hit this chapter and it's not pretty...see what you think! Would love your thoughts!

Happy Valentine's Day...and END OF DROUGHTLANDER!

Chapter 29:

As the weeks turned into months, Eleanor and John only grew closer. She could feel her soul settling with him as the children adapted to their new life. While the day to day was chaotic with the children, the harmony and closeness between her and John was always a welcome retreat. During the day, he often sought her out to check in with a quiet, bolstering word or a laugh over the children's antics. In the quiet after the children were finally asleep, they went to the library in easy companionship- going over the particulars of the day, reading and discussing literature, writing letters, playing chess, much like they had in Jamaica. And when they retired for the night, they found each other again, in the intimacy they shared in their bed. It was during those quiet moments of connection between them throughout the day, that she felt peace...almost as if she found the place where she belonged.

They had tiny disagreements. John was far more strict than she was with the children, but oddly, had a greater level of patience in his correction than she did. He never lost his temper with them- he defined steadiness. Unlike him, Ellie often found herself overwhelmed by the task of mothering their lively brood and could become short tempered and snap at the children especially when they were being so difficult. Then in the moments where she was close to tears, her voice raised beyond the acceptable level for a lady of this time, she would have to remind herself that they were part hers and part Jamie's, and it was never going to be easy with those genes. In those times, she would step away, Susanna or one of the others filling in, to find Lord John for reassurances that she wasn't the world's most awful mother and to lose one's temper especially when so heavily provoked was only human.

But it wasn't easy for John either. Eleanor was still very inclined to offer the children multiple chances...to cajole and reason with them... even if it compromised her sanity. She tried to intervene on the children's behalf, before he resorted to their agreed upon methods of discipline, but his godson often found himself on the end of some well deserved smacks, especially when his tantrums tore up the house...or physically lashed out against Eleanor. She knew that John was earnestly seeking to find the balance of what he felt right as a man and now a stepfather while navigating between her and Jamie's difference in child rearing philosophies, trying to honor the trust Jamie gave him in leaving the children with him, but not to completely discount Eleanor's tendency towards grace.

John had even managed to find a tutor whose was more progressive in his thought and whom Eleanor trusted to guide William and Mac in their learning and also how to grow up to be as Jamie would call it- men of worth.

Eleanor gravitated to the home more than he did, but with the right coaxing, she attended a fair amount of functions with him and they hosted some as well.

So while they had their moments when they struggled to find their way with each other, all in all, they didn't have any of the passionate rows that she and Jamie used to have.

Until...

"Ellie," William came running in, Mac on his heels.

Eleanor reached for William, who had taken, with her blessing and John's allowance, to calling her Ellie. He had accepted easily her role as his stepmother, their bond cemented in Jamaica. She put her hands on his shoulders, "Slow down, William. What has happened?"

His tutor had been called back home on an urgent family matter and John was out visiting a neighboring plantation. She had sent the boys out on a walk with Susanna.

"They captured him!" William said.

Eleanor titled her head, "Whom are you talking about?" she asked, quizzically.

"Mr. Smith, he captured the slave that was missing from Red Hill- Isaac."

"They're going to whip him, Mama," Mac looked at her with wide eyes.

"And then take him back. They're going to string him up, Ellie," William said. "Mac thinks that's wrong, but I don't know what to think. It is the law."

Eleanor bit her lip, her heart sinking. She turned to Susanna, whose face was pale. "How much did the boys witness?"

"They just heard them talkin and planning," Susanna said. "But...they are gonna to do as they say. Not the first time this happened and there was a scuffle when they captured him. I don't know if they will wait for Lord John. That was part of the talk."

"I see," Eleanor reached for her wrap, her manner far more calm than the panic and dread she felt. "Susanna, would you please watch the children for me?"

"What are you goin to do?" Susanna asked.

"I'm going to see Mr. Smith," Eleanor said, "I don't know what I can do, but I can at least buy us some time. Lord John should be returning soon," She flung her wrap around her shoulders.

"Ellie," William frown was deep and he looked a lot like Jamie Fraser did when he was perturbed at her, "I do not think this is wise. Papa would be most displeased for you to get involved."

"I do thank you for your opinion, William, my dear, but I must do what I feel like is right- in my heart. I cannot in good conscious know this is happening and do nothing. It goes against everything I believe to be true and right and just. Do you understand?"

"I do," William nodded, for he had learned in the past months with Eleanor, is that she had very strong opinions about the equality and due respect to all persons. "But the law says..."

"I know, William. I happen to believe the law is wrong," She leaned to pick up Hope who was pulling up at her feet. "Come here, Hope, my love."

"But..." William protested, even more peturbed with her. "You have no choice but to follow the law."

"We do have many choices in this life, William," Eleanor said, kissing Hope.

"Mistress," Susanna looked shocked, "What are you doin with that babe?"

"There is no way that Mr. Smith will beat him in front of a woman and a baby. It simply would be distasteful."

"Mistress, ye gamble. Lord John willna be please that you put yourself and you daughter in danger..." Susanna protested.

Eleanor covered Hope with her wrap, "It is a risk I am willing to take. Boys, do behave while I am gone." She left without another word.

Mac turned to his stepbrother, his faced etched with concern, "I dinnae think mama kens what she is doin. Mister Smith looked awfully mad. What canna she do? Do ye think he'll hurt mama, too?"

"Do not worry, Mac," William straightened his back. "I'll ride out to get Papa. You stay here with Susanna and watch Rosie and Sam."

"But," Mac looked to William, "Will Mama be alright?"

William put a hand on his stepbrother's shoulder. He leaned down, "Of course, she will. I am a fast rider. I can get to Papa. He'll know what to do. He always knows what to do. He isn't going to let anything happen to her."

Mac nodded, but then allowed Susanna to put her arm around him.

"Ride fast, Master William," Susanna said, urgently, "Ride like the wind."

---

John's heart nearly stopped when he saw his stepson riding full speed. "William! What is the meaning of this?"

William dismounted easily. "Papa, you must come."

"You looked panicked," John said, "Take a breath. What on earth is wrong?"

"Mama...she..." William struggled to catch his breath.

It was the first time William referred to Eleanor as Mama.

"Take another breath," John commanded, his hand on the boy's shoulder. "Catch your breath and then tell me what the matter is."

As usual, Lord John was completely in control and calm- stoic in his demeanor, but while he did not show William, he was anxious for he knew that for William to be this panicked, something must be greatly amiss.

William waited a moment and then said, urgently, "Mr. Smith captured the slave...you know the one that ran away from Red Hill. She is going to try to stop him from returning him. She took Hope."

"Forgive me," John was aghast, "She did what?" He didn't think he misheard William, but he couldn't fathom that Eleanor would act so recklessly...especially to involve their youngest child.

"She took Hope to try to stop Mr. Smith from whipping him. She said she had to act with what she felt was right and that the law was wrong, but..." William shuffled at John's raised eyebrow.

"Did she say that to you?" John said, trying to take care to not show judgement, especially against Eleanor.

"Yes and I do not think this will end well, especially if she says it to Mister Smith. Mama doesn't understand that women shouldn't get involved in such things."

"Eleanor will always have strong opinions on matters and she is free to think and feel as she does. But, you are correct. To get involved will not be looked well upon," John tried to be calm, but he was concerned.

"She doesn't know I came for you, sir. I hope I will not upset her by doing so."

"I'm sure not," John put an arm around his son, "You did well to come to me, William. I am proud of you. It shows I can trust the man you are becoming. Eleanor will be touched that you cared so much for her well being- she loves you so. Now come. We must hurry."

They rode hard to return to their home to be greeted by Eleanor and Mr. Smith, exchanging heated words with one another. Eleanor's voice was not raised, but her tone was clearly angry. Hope began to cry, Eleanor shuffling her to her other hip. Things were getting out of hand, quickly. John arrived just in time to hear his overseer threatened his wife. He dismounted quickly.

"That is quite enough," John said, his voice commanding. "I thank you not to speak to my wife in that manner." He reached for Eleanor's arm, pulling her to his side. "Hand me Hope," he said, his tone leaving no room for argument. She gave Hope to him.

"The child is cold," John frowned at her as he took the baby from her.

"Papa," Hope said in her tiny baby voice as her tiny fingers gripped his coat. After Jamie left, Eleanor and him had a sincere, honest discussion about both of their expectations when it came to Hope. Hope had to feel like she had a father and since Jamie could not claim her, with John's blessing, Eleanor began to refer to him as Papa to Hope. As such, while Hope's first word had been, "No", it had been followed directly by Papa and since discovering it, she was begin to using both with high frequency. She was beginning to find her voice and John had taken great care to cultivate the bond between him and his stepdaughter, fulfilling his vow to Eleanor that he made the day of Hope's birth. The other children still called him Lord John and Ellie and him were content not to push any one of the children as long as each child was respectful to both of their authority to parent them just as they had with William and her.

John took care to moderate his expression, not wishing the child to be distressed. He managed a smile at his daughter. "It's time to go home, Hope," he said, his voice calm. "I'm sure Rosie misses you."

"William," he turned to his stepson, "Will you not take your sister back to the house? You can leave your horse for Lady John."

He gave Hope to William, who glanced at Eleanor. Eleanor's face was clearly anxious, but she managed a weak, comforting smile to William. She reached to take off her wrap. "Here, William. Your Papa is right. Hope is cold. I did not realize it was so raw today."

William took the garment and wrapped it around Hope.

"Thank you, William," Eleanor said, quietly, reaching out to rub his arm, affectionately. She had picked up on William's discomfort with her and longed to put him at ease. John was keenly aware of the exchange and though he was quite put out with his wife at the moment, his heart yielded slightly to his her kindhearted gesture. Eleanor was a far better mother than she gave herself credit for...especially in the moments that mattered the most.

William nodded at his stepmother, "Come on Hope. Let's go play with your toys."

Hope began to babble at William as they walked away, him holding Hope very carefully.

"Now, then," John turned to the others, his hand going to rest Eleanor's arm, protectively, "What is the meaning of this?"

---

"What in God's name were you thinking?" John asked as he slammed the door shut of the library. "It is simply not done, Eleanor. Not done at all." His voice wasn't raised, but he was furious with her, she could tell that.

"Well maybe it should be done!" Eleanor's voice raised.

"It is dreadful enough that you would insert yourself in the middle of that situation, but to involve our daughter..." John looked at her, shaking his head in disbelief, "She is a baby, Eleanor."

"She doesn't know what is going on. She didn't see anything inappropriate."

"She could have. She is at such a tender age. She is becoming more and more aware every day. You couldn't have known how the situation could escalate. You willingly brought our child into a dangerous situation."

"It wasn't dangerous."

"Eleanor," John struggled to take hold of his temper, "Even William knew the potential of that...he understood that it was not to be done...a child not yet a man."

Eleanor crossed her arms, shivering still from the cold. She had been outside too long without her wrap and she was chilled. "I suppose you think I am setting a bad example for William."

"I think nothing of the sort," John said, stepping forward to grip her arm, guiding her towards the warm fire, "He knows you well enough that your actions were heartfelt...as do I...and perhaps that has some value. But he was worried about you because for only being in his life for a few months, he loves you, Eleanor. He knew that you were treading into dangerous waters. And he was right. Right now I have furious terminated overseerer and what is to follow is surely irate neighbors, a mob, and when such tension on one side leads to unrest, then that can even provoke a revolt and that is what none of us can afford!"

"You also have a man whose life lays in the balance!" She said, fervently, her face now flushed from the heat of the fire and the anxiety over the situation. "Surely that trumps everything else."

"Great God in heaven, this could escalate beyond what we can imagine right now..." John retorted, "Can you not heed what I am telling you? I have lived through a slave rebellion in Jamaica. Unrest is not good for any of us, Eleanor. And unfortunately, the law is not on our side."

"The law!" Eleanor exclaimed, "The law is so screwed up, John. He is just as human as you or I...or the scottish prisoners the English deemed as less than human. English law and the execution of said law as been known to be horribly unjust and inhumane."

John's eyes widened, "How dare you imply..."

"Oh I dare...I dare very much," Eleanor interrupted, her voice raising.

"Well, perhaps, you should not," John said, his voice lowering, becoming very quiet. "You speak of what you do not fully understand. And I cannot believe you would say such things to William, without at least having the courtesy to discuss it with me. Regardless of that, I do realize how much this situation distresses you. I know you want to change matters. And I will work towards a solution. But you must give me your word, that you will not leave this house until I return. Can you do that?"

She paused and then shook her head no.

"If you leave and try to follow me and interfere again, there will be consequences, Eleanor. For you. For us. For people under our care. I need you to heed my warning and listen to what I am telling you. Please promise me you will."

She remained quiet.

His voice was still very low, but each word was punctuated for emphasis. "I believe most whole heartedly that it is now a matter of trust and honor betwix you and I. Do you understand my meaning?"

Eleanor's heart twisted, anxiously.

"John...you cannot understand how important this is...to raise our children in a way that values the life of all persons," Eleanor's voice cracked.

"That is a conversation for another time...one that I am most willing to have with you, Lady John. But I still require your assurances that you will remain here...where it is safe."

Eleanor swallowed hard, "Just do not return him. Please. I will stay here if you give me your word that you will not give him back."

He stared at her, not quite believing the lengths she was pushing him to. "I will not lie to you to ensure your cooperation. Truthfully speaking, I simply cannot guarantee that outcome," he finally said.

"Then, in turn, I cannot give you my word that I will stay here and not try to interfere."

John let out a frustrated groan. "Great God in heaven, woman, I need you to think about what you are saying."

"I have thought about it," Eleanor said.

"Rationally, think of it..." John countered, glaring. "What can you possibly accomplish even if you do try to interfere? You are only a woman. That means very little in this time," he told her, bluntly.

She swallowed hard, "A man's life is worth the risk."

He swept over to her, gripping her wrist and pulling her close to him. He leaned into her ear, "If you play with fire, you will get burned. Stay here. Or I will make sure I fulfill all my husbandly duties in order to teach you that playing with fire is most unwise."

"Do not threaten me into obedience," Eleanor said, "That is Jamie's tactic, not yours."

He titled his head, "You have left me no choice. You are misreading the situation. Tensions are rampant. If you cause further escalation, then I do not know what will happen next. It is too risky. If you follow me, I will make sure that you will rue the consequences. You will remain here like I have requested until I return. Do not cross me, Ellie. It will not serve you well."

She stared at him for a few moments. John was just as formidable as Jamie, even more so, and she had no doubt that in a battle between two of them, no matter how just her cause was, she would not win.

"Fine..." she grunted. "I'll stay."

John's look softened. "I took no pleasure in that. You must know."

She glared at him, but sunk down in the nearby sofa.

"You will stay."

"Yes, John, I told you."

He looked at her skeptically, "Eleanor..."

"John, I told you I would stay," Eleanor snapped at him. "For the love of God, just go."

He gave her one more look, but in his heart, he knew...she was going to break her word to him...unless he took further action. Years of deception had taught him how to read people quite well and his wife was no exception.

He closed the doors behind him, "Tom, lock her in here. Ensure she does not leave."

"My Lord..." Tom straightened, "You will need me to come with you."

"I need Lady John not to more than I need you to come," John said. "Do not let her leave. I do not know how this will end."

"Yes, my Lord," Tom said, quietly. "Be safe."

He nodded and then left.

---

"Jamie!" John dismounted from his horse to greet his friend, "My God, what are you doing here?"

"It's a rather long story. We canna stay longer than a day," Jamie said, looking around his surroundings, "What did we run into?"

"A runaway slave from nearby plantation was captured on our land. Eleanor overstepped with our overseer."

Jamie grimaced, "What will you do?"

John looked resolute, "What I must. Offer to buy him."

"That will cause more tension with you and the other land owners," Jamie said, slowly, "They can demand your arrest. Threaten your property. That is what we faced at River Run."

"Yes, I am aware of all of that, but I must try for Eleanor," John said, quietly, "Or I fear she will never forgive me."

"Where is she?" Jamie asked, "She is safe, is she no? It looked like a mob was gathering earlier. Headed in the opposite direction from your land though."

"Lead my our overseer, whom I promptly dismissed, when he threatened my wife," John said. "I can only presume they are going to share the news with the owners at Red Hill. Good Lord, she has caused such a ruckus."

"But she tucked away safe, aye?"

"I locked her in the study," John said, honestly.

Jamie exchanged a look with Claire and glanced at Young Ian, whose mouth dropped open in dismay.

"Auntie willna like that," he muttered to Claire who put a hand on his arm.

Jamie gave his nephew a look of warning to keep his opinions to himself, but then turned back to his friend.

"I must ask," Jamie patted his arm and then guided him away from the others. "Did you per chance, make sure the window was locked?"

John let out an incredulous groan, "Surely, she would not climb out of the window. Even Eleanor must know how ridiculous that is."

Jamie titled his head, "She would, John. I have no doubt in my mind."

"But she gave me her word."

"Eleanor's sense of justice and abiding by one's word isna the same of ours," Jamie let out a breath, "She will try at first, but the more she thinks upon it, and the more panicked she will become...do you honestly think she is capable of not following? Eleanor dinna heed orders weel. And besides the lass does believe that this is a horrible injustice."

"I told her how dangerous this situation has become."

"She dinna realize the danger fully, John. Not like Claire does. She lived in a world that was less harsh in its consequences. It's why I became heavy handed with her at times," Jamie said, his voice low. "I'll send Claire and Young Ian on to the children. And I'll come with you...in case Eleanor tries to come. Ye willna need the distraction and Eleanor will certainly need prodding to return home."

"Very well," John nodded, "I will welcome your presence, Jamie. Thank you."

"Verra gut," Jamie said, patting his arm.

---

Eleanor approached the crowd at Red Hill. What she saw tore her heart. She pushed through the men with torches to see John, trying to reason with Mr. Johnson, the owner of Red Hill. John met her eyes, his own eyes livid as the crowd pushed her and jostled her. He leaned to give a quiet word to him and then bounded down the stairs of the planation to grasp the arm of his wife, dragging her to the side, away from the crowds.

"I told you to stay put, Lady John," his voice was stern. His expression was stoic, but she knew from his stance that he was livid. "You broke your word to me. Do you not see how dangerous this is for you now? You are a woman. And these men are hungry for blood."

Eleanor tugged the ribbon to her new midnight blue hooded cape. The cape's hood prettily framed her face and the blue of the cape sharpened the blue in her eyes. John even had to admit that he had never seen Eleanor look so stunningly lovely.

"What is happening?" she whispered, urgently.

"He is going to be whipped and hung, Eleanor," John said, his voice factual. "There was nothing I could do."

"John," Eleanor gasped. "That's awful. You must do something."

John tightly gripped her arm, "The mob is ready to burn him alive. They will torture him. He assaulted the men who was trying to arrest him. One man's ear received twenty stitches. Did you know that?"

"No, but..." Eleanor struggled to breathe, "Look at the reason why he escaped to begin with. Desperation leads people to places...I would feel similar as I'm sure you would. Can you truly not show empathy?"

"Empathy?" John asked. "You do not understand the gravity of these crimes."

"But...surely, compassion...can we all not just..."

"Ellie, I am doing what I can to give him a less painful death," John said, bluntly. "I will carry out his sentence myself. It's the best I can do. My hands are tied."

"Lord John," Eleanor couldn't contain her horror. "Please."

"Look around," John said, his voice low, "You have caused this unrest by your meddling into matters you truly have no understanding of. I will not have myself arrested or our property stripped by not following the law. Now, I need you to take your leave."

"No," Eleanor said.

"I swear to God in heaven, I will beat you tonight, if you do not remove yourself from this situation."

"I do not care," Eleanor retorted.

"If you do not leave out of her own volition, then I will have to see you home. And if so, then I cannot guarantee that these other men will not take justice into their own hands before I return."

She swallowed hard, "This is ridiculous. I cannot stand by... I will go, but I will not go quietly."

"You will not say a word to anyone," John said, "I have been very measured with you, Eleanor, but I do have a side that you do not wish to see."

Jamie came up beside them enough to catch that last exchange. He did not think either of them would act on such threats, but he knew the sooner he removed Eleanor from the situation, the better it was for all involved. The crowd had been growing restless, closing in on them.

"Eleanor," he said, his voice low. "Ye need to come with me now."

"Jamie," Eleanor turned her head, her mouth opening in shock. "What are you doing here?"

"I'll explain later, but we need to leave. Come, mo ghraidh," he said reaching out to take his hand in hers. He gripped it tightly, trying to get her out of her frozen horror of what was to come. "Come. Let me take ye home."

"No!" Mr. Smith stepped forward. "She should have to watch. Slave sympathizer."

"Tread carefully, Mr. Smith. You have already threatened my wife once today."

"Did ye now?" Jamie said, his eyebrow raised, assessing the man.

"Justice must be done!" Mr. Smith called out, emboldened by the mob behind him. Their former overseer reached to grab her arm as the mob closed in, but Jamie put his body in front of her and John reached to roughly pull her body into his arms, his arms tight around her, ready to pick her up and flee with her if need be.

"Aye," Jamie's voice rang out, "And justice will be done. But if any one of ye touch dares to touch this woman or bring harm to Lord John and I will kill ye with my bare hands," he yelled out, forcibly, his eyes dark, his stature tall. "Do not trifle with me. I will protect this woman until I have no breath left in my being. Now I ken I am outnumbered, but I can strike down a few of ye before ye stop me. Which one of ye wants to forfeit yer life tonight?"

It was in that moment of fierceness that Eleanor saw Red Jamie, the highland warrior. And she had no doubt that he would act on his threat. Jamie was fiercely protective of the ones he loved.

"We want no trouble from you," one of the men said as the mob backed up to give them their space again. They began to talk amongst themselves, the discord stirring again.

"Verra gut, come, mo ghraidh," Jamie took her from John's grasp and then put his arm around her shoulders. "I have ye now."

"We have to do something," Eleanor said to Jamie. "Please, James."

"I ken this is too much fer ye to bear, leannan, but ye canna say anything more. We must leave now."

"No, Jamie, we cannot leave," she whispered to him, frantically, "We must try to...you could..."

"No, ye canna do anything else," He began to drag her away, but John suddenly reached out to stop them, having overheard Eleanor's pleads with Jamie.

"She should stay."

Jamie spun around to face his friend. He titled his head, his eyes wide, in shock, "Ye canna be serious, man."

"I tried to protect her from this, but she chose not to heed my direction."

"She canna bear this, John. No. I dinnae think this is wise. I have spent the last five years shielding her from moments like these."

"And perhaps, that was unwise," John said, quietly, "I do thank you for your opinion, Mr. Fraser, but she is my wife and I am the one she has wronged by following even though I explicitly told her not to. She should stay to know that I am acting honorably and in fairness with what the law requires of me."

Jamie looked grim, but nodded at his friend, "Aye, Lord John. Verra weel. I'll stay with her."

"Take her home when it is done. I will need to make further arrangements."

Eleanor met John's eyes. "Please, this is not honorable or fair." She reached out to grip his arm, hard.

"You will not cause a scene," John admonished, his voice low as he gently removed her hand from his arm and left them without another word.

"Fer all of our sakes, be quiet," Jamie told her, firmly, as he moved closer to her side. Eleanor's eyes fixated on the scene unraveling. Her heart jumped through its chest as she watched with horror. As they tied his arms together to the post, Eleanor panicked.

"Jamie," Eleanor's voice shook.

"I ken," Jamie's arms came around her, holding her tightly against him. "I have ye, mo ghraidh. I willna let ye go. If it becomes too much, bury yer head in my shoulder."

Later, Jamie tenderly held her head while she retched on the side of the road. And then he gathered her up into his arms as he would one of their children and let her sob out her anguish.

When she had finished, he pulled her away from him. "We need to talk, lassie."

She nodded and then Jamie guided her to a nearby log, pushing her down to sit. Her cape pooled around her and she took down her hood. They were quiet in each other's presence for a few minutes before Jamie broke the silence.

"Fer Christ's sake, lass, did ye not learn anything in the past six years as my wife?"

Eleanor buried her head in her hands, "I am not wrong."

"Ach, lass, in another place and another time, aye. We all ken that ye are not wrong, but ye cannot be right in this time and in this place. Do ye not remember yer lessons from this period in history or are ye choosin to ignore it?"

"I'm just trying to make a difference that I can."

"But this isna a difference ye can make. Lord John is right, Ellie. It could have been so much worse. When we were at River Run, they impaled a man named Rufus with a metal hook and was about to cut off his ear, when Claire and I intervened. We took him into River Run, but I was going to be arrested if we did not turn him over."

"My God," Eleanor gagged, "What did you do?"

Jamie reached for her her hand, "Claire gave him poison to end his life and we turned over his body. They strung him up."

"My God," Eleanor leaned over, unable to stop the rapid beating of her heart, "I cannot breathe, Jamie."

In a instant, Jamie tipped her head up, "Look me in the eyes. I need ye to breathe. Take a long breath in. And now out. Now, Eleanor, do it again. Breathe."

Eleanor managed to take shuddering breaths. "My chest feels tight."

Jamie's brow furrowed in concern, "Yer just having one of yer panic episodes," he said, quietly. "Do I need to get Lord John?"

She shook her head, quickly, "He is busy."

"He would want to ken," Jamie said, his hand on her arm.

"He's pissed off at me," Eleanor held her breath, her head pounding.

Jamie made his typical Scottish guttural noise he was so apt to do when he disapproved."Fer Christ sake, Eleanor, dinna hold yer breath. Breathe."

She took another long breath in and out.

"That's better," Jamie said, "Now..." he nudged her, "Leannan, ye need to calm yerself."

Tears spilled over, "I want to go home. I want to go home to my time, Jamie."

"Ach, lass," Jamie put his hands on her shoulders, "Now, I suspect ye do at the moment. And I canna say I blame ye. But we have four bairns that depend upon ye, Ellie. Ye were sent to our time fer a purpose. And if the gut Lord wanted ye to return, ye would have been able to do so, that first night."

"Does it really work like that?" Eleanor asked, despairingly, "Or is it just something we say to make us feel better?"

"God always kens what he is doin. Ye believe that as weel as I do," Jamie said, looking into her eyes, reaching to wipe her tears, "The truth is that isna that ye canna live in this time...it is that ye willna abide by the direction of the ones who want to ensure that ye can adapt to living during this time."

"That's a kind way of saying I should have listened to Lord John," Eleanor said, swallowing down the lump in her throat, trying to contain her tears.

"Aye, ye should have," Jamie said, "Ye dinna always ken what is best, Eleanor. I dinna wish to wound ye further, but ye need to hear this now. Listen to my words and ken that they are meant for yer gut."

"I'm listening," she sniffed hard.

"This is a dangerous time to be in the colonies. War is coming. And ye will need to allow Lord John to guide ye in all things. For the sake of our family, I need ye to abide, Eleanor. I consented to this marriage because I thought ye would. Ye respect him enough to do so. Ye did yerself and him a disservice today. Dinna let it happen again."

"But it wasn't about John...it was bigger than John and I."

"Ach, leannan, if ye cannot see that it was, then ye and John have a much larger issue between ye. I ken it hurts ye fer me to say so, but I care aboot both of ye too much fer me not to speak the truth to ye."

She swallowed hard and nodded, knowing the truth of his words. She afraid to speak for fear that she would fall to pieces again. It took her a few minutes to ask, "May I ask your opinion then?"

"Of course, ye ken I am always happy to give my opinion," he said, wryly, trying to lighten her mood...rather unsuccessfully.

She bit her lip, gathering her courage, "Why do you see it as a matter between John and I?"

"Ye broke trust between the two of ye. It isna about obedience, it is aboot trust. It was what I tried to get through to ye when we were marrit. I ken today dinnae start as such, but ye canna dismiss it, Eleanor. Lord John will see it that way and he isna wrong."

Her voice cracked, "He said as much before he left."

"And ye still came?" Jamie shook his head, wearily at her. "Fer Christ sake, Eleanor. I dinnae ken what possess ye some days."

She fell silent again, broken by the events of today. Finally, she couldn't take the tension between the two of them, not with John so clearly upset with her.

"Don't be angry with me," she pleaded, "I couldn't bear if both you and John were put out by me."

"Ach, sweet lass, I am not angry with ye," Jamie reassured, a heavy hand on her knee, "Dinna fash. Ye and I are weel. I'm more concerned fer the reasons I mentioned before."

Eleanor shifted, "You wouldn't try to take the children?"

"Of course not," Jamie said, gruffly, "Ye and John will settle the matters between ye like ye and I used to do. And ye and him will be stronger on the other side of it." He reached out to squeeze her hand. "Dinna fash, mo ghraidh. I canna bear to see you so downtrodden."

Eleanor still looked distraught, but didn't say anything else. After a few minutes, Jamie spoke again,

"Do ye feel weel enough to travel home?" Jamie asked, his voice kind, knowing his words stung her deeply. "Did yer stomach settle?"

"Yes," her voice cracked.

Jamie put his arm around her, "Verra gut." He kissed her head, "Let's take ye home."

---

Eleanor twisted her hands as she sat in the library, pale faced and clearly unable to hide her anxiety. Jamie's eyes were steady on her.

"Ye are thinkin on it again," he said, knowingly."It's whirling around in that bonny heid of yers."

"I really messed up," Eleanor said, her voice low. "I'm realizing how fully I did. I acted stupidly not to let John handle it. To go against him in that moment...it's unforgivable."

"Weel, aye, it wasna yer finest moment," Jamie nodded. "Of course, ye should have abided fer yer own safety and that of our family. Ye acted impulsively and inserted yerself in a situation that was never gonna be solved in the outcome ye wished. But I dinna think Lord John willna forgive ye, lassie. He cares aboot ye too much fer that."

"Those memories are ingrained in my head," Eleanor said, closing her eyes and rubbing her temples, "I cannot get them out. I feel such...sorrow...for it all."

"Ach, I ken," Jamie went over to sit next to her. "Mo ghraidh," his voice was low. He began to speak Gaelic to her, his hand on her arm, rubbing it gently. Jamie would always speak Gaelic to her when she was distraught and even though she didn't know what half of the words meant, the language soothed her soul.

"Jamie..."

"Aye?"

"John is going to hate me," Eleanor murmured. "Don't you think?"

"Nah," Jamie shook his head, "Ye are impossible to hate. He is angry with ye fer certain, but his temper will cool...in time."

"You don't have to stay here with me," Eleanor said, softly. "You should go to the children."

"They are weel with Young Ian and Claire. Being here with ye is important too. And I promised Lord John I would remain with ye until he returns."

"I should have done more."

His hand was still on her arm rubbing it, soothingly. "Ye couldna have done more than ye did, Eleanor."

She nodded.

"The fight canna be yers...it is not the right time," Jamie said, "And that is the weight of history- the burden ye must bear."

"How do I bear that burden?" Eleanor sobbed.

"Ye do it by leanin on the uns that love ye, lassie...and us all bearin it together."

She covered his hand with her other hand and sighed, her head dropping on his shoulder. "Help me. I feel so out of control."

"I'm here," he soothed, his hand rubbing the side of her head in comfort, allow the liberty.

They sat like that for a while, before John came in, Eleanor's head rising from Jamie's shoulder as he did.

"Thank you, Jamie, for keeping watch," he said.

"Aye, of course," Jamie rose.

Eleanor did as well. Jamie leaned down to kiss her cheek. "Dinnae fash aboot the children. I am eager to spend as much time in the next day that I can before we have to move on."

"You will tell us what is going on, won't you?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "But ye have enough to fash over at the moment."

"True," Eleanor said, not even able to look at John. "Ceud taing, Jamie."

Jamie gave her a smile, "Se ur beatha, mo ghraidh"

He closed the doors firmly behind him, leaving her along with her husband.

They stood for a few minutes in each other's presence. Neither speaking...Eleanor refusing to look at him, John studying her carefully. Finally she turned and went to study the titles in the library shelf...she had to distract herself because when John got silent, it was bloody disconcerting. Her hand trembled against the shelf as she took soothing breaths.

She had the strongest urge to flee the situation...to flee him.

She quickly made the way to the door, but John's reflexes were always so quick- a well trained solider. He grabbed har around the waist before her hand could turn the door knob.

"No, I cannot allow you to flee," he said, quietly, guiding her back into the room."You will face this. If you can be so reckless in the name of bravery, then surely you can face censure from your husband."

"I cannot talk to you right now," she pleaded with him, "I have to sort my feelings about what happened."

"I understand that. You do not have to talk to me," his gaze held hers, "But you will listen to what I have to say."

"I cannot..." she wiggled out of his embrace and went back for the door.

"Great God in Heaven," John grunted and then grabbed her again, wrestling with her. Finally he carried her to the sofa, pushing her down upon it. He put a heavy hand on her shoulder, restraining her against the sofa. "If necessary, I will ensure that you stay in this room by force. I will not enjoy it, but I am stronger than you. I can easily make you comply."

She stopped struggling.

"Good," John relaxed his grip, but did not remove his hand.

"You can let go of me, now," she said. "I won't move."

"Forgive me if I do not think your word to be reliable," John said, his hand still on her shoulder.

"You know that the circumstances were unique. Let go of me."

"I do not think I will," John countered, but moved to sit beside her.

"I do not want you touching me in this moment," Eleanor said. "Let me go." She began to struggle and his grip tightened on her.

"I do not wish to hurt your shoulder, Eleanor," John said, his voice low. "but I will not let go so you better stop struggling or you will hurt yourself."

She stilled.

"Now then," he relaxed his grip again, but did not let her go, "I know I said you did not have to talk, but you are no longer completely silent to me. If you wish to defend your actions, then I am listening."

She remained quiet and John continued, "Do not keep me in suspense. I am eager to hear what you have to say on the matter. You were quite talkative at Red Hill. Boldly so even in the face of clear discord. Now, I am giving you the opportunity to speak your mind and you are quiet. Forgive me, but you are quite the contradiction at times."

"I do not have to defend my actions to you," she told him.

John titled his head, "Yes, you do. We are in a marriage, Eleanor. And I need to understand what went wrong today."

"There is nothing I can say to you," Eleanor said, swallowing down bile that rose in her throat. "You just need to know that I only acted how I thought was best in the moment."

"In what you thought was best," John mused. "Are you such an expert in this time and in this place that you think that you would know what was best over myself who has a great understanding of these matters having actually lived in this time for longer than six years? Do you even know what the law requires in a situation like we found ourselves in today? Do you understand the consequences of not following said law? Who are you to determine what is best in this situation?"

She didn't respond and he continued,

"Do you even fathom the precarious position you put us in? I was trying to protect you. I was trying to work out a solution, one that would not be too damaging for your heart, but I needed you to give me space...and the trust to know that I would do what is right. But that is the truth of the matter, Eleanor, is that you do not believe I am capable of doing what is right for you and for our family."

"That is not true," she said, quietly. "You know that is not true."

"I know no such thing. All I know for certain is that whatever trust you and I have tried to build throughout our marriage is now been broken. And I don't know if it is capable of being repaired. Or if I even wish it to be repaired."

"John," Eleanor's voice grew suddenly weary, "This wasn't about you. You have to understand that."

"I understand that initially, it was not, but when I specifically asked you to trust me...when I said it was a matter of trust and honor between us for you to heed my word and you promised that you would and then you broke your word anyway, then it becomes very much becomes a matter between us. It's a reflection of the value you place on our marriage and on very my person. I have always believed a love that sacrifices honor is less honest than simple lust. And i liked to think...to hope that what we have between us...what we have struggled to build in these past few months... was more honest than what you showed today."

She grimaced and then turned to look at him. "Do you not understand that a man's life was at stake?" she asked, aghast.

"Of course, I do, Eleanor," John retorted. "Only a simpleton would not. But I had to act reasonably...to figure out a solution that would be amenable to all...in this time we live in under the law we live in."

"Do you understand what is it like...for me...to live in this time? To know that things are wrong and unjust and will be looked upon as reprehensible and to remain silent? I cannot do that and it is unfair for you to ask me to."

"I understand that it must be difficult for you," John said, his voice low, "But being from the future, does not make you more righteous, Eleanor. Or more just. It certainly does not make you more honorable. It does, however, make you more knowledgeable, but that knowledge has to be used with wisdom and discernment, not as fodder to fulfill some impulsive drive to act rashly in the name of justice and truth. What I saw from you today...it was disgraceful. Your pride...your conceit...the arrogance to think you are above us all when truth be told if you had lived during this time during the entirety of your years you would probably not think twice about it all."

"I do not think that I am better than you all!"

"But you do," John said, "your inability to know your limitations...to put your truth and knowledge into perspective and to look at what can be changed in this moment. Your utter lack of discipline and respect..."

"I do not have to follow your orders. I did not with Jamie and I will not with you."

John titled his head, "That is a fair assessment. I know you did not readily with Jamie and I know he had to force his hand with you. In fact, today, I knew you were going to break your word and follow me. That is why I locked the door."

"So you didn't trust me," Eleanor said. "That is interesting."

"But I was right not to trust you," John said, firmly, "Was I not?"

Eleanor grunted.

"You can choose not to obey my orders. But then expect the consequences that come from thinking that your judgement is superior to my own. If I am wrong, Eleanor, I will say it. But I was not wrong today. This is the time you are living in. You will not change the course of history overnight. Some things you must let go of." He let out a long breath. "I needed you to trust me but you thought too highly of your own opinions to do so. We could have lost everything."

"Don't be so dramatic," Eleanor grunted.

He released his grip on her, "Ask your stepson what the consequences are for harboring a fugitive slave. It is his land that you would have stripped him of. It is my freedom you would have taken from me. It is our children who would have been left with nothing. Oh, you could have returned to Jamie and Claire and he would have taken you and the children in willingly. But for me and William, we would have borne the brunt of your willfulness."

"That would have been extreme...do you really believe that would have happened?"

"Great God, Eleanor, are you really that naive?"

"You killed a man today..."

"No, Eleanor," John retorted, his voice tense, "I carried out the order of the law."

They fell silent and John leaned forward to put his head in his hands. He took a few breaths, trying to gather himself again. When he looked up, his resolve was strong, "I do not easily open myself up to another. I have spent years hiding who I am...my feelings, my emotions. It is the only way I could be true to who I was and not bear the consequences for who I am. And if I had ever been caught, as a solider, I would have been hung, Eleanor. But like Isaac today, I always believed that the risk was worth it...to have my freedom." He paused, struggling, "I once had a lover...he betrayed me with another...and was caught. They were going to hang him, but I arranged for him to escape...it was dangerous, but...I couldn't bear him having the punishment that I also deserved."

"It is so wrong, John," Eleanor's voice was low.

"Yes, but I know that. And I kept taking the risk, knowing that pursuing freedom could result in my death. And if I had been caught, I would have taken my punishment, Eleanor. I was not afraid of it."

"Why are you telling me this?" she said, softly.

"Because," John let out a breath, "I do have empathy...and I do have compassion...and for you to think so poorly of me, I have to admit, it wounds me, Eleanor. Cuts me to the very core."

"I would never wish to..." Eleanor reached out to touch him, but dropped her hand, when he flinched.

"I have spent years hiding who I am. But with you..." He paused again, struggling, "I have given you everything I have, Eleanor. I have cared for you and your children. I have tried to mend your broken heart. I have laughed with you and held you while you cried. I have pushed you into being better because I believe that you are a woman who was destined for so much more than fate has given you. And..." he swallowed hard, "I have taken you to my bed night after night to try to build passion and intimacy between us. And it was working. But today, today...you showed me how you really felt about all of this...about me."

"You have no idea how I feel about you," Eleanor said, tears forming in her eyes.

"Oh, I have some idea if today is any indication," John retorted, dryly, "Great God in heaven, Eleanor, how can I ever trust you again?"

"What are you going to do?" Eleanor asked, her voice cracking. His censure was so hard to take, especially when he did not take care to ease the bluntness of his opinions. And knowing that he was right...she had taken his care and kindness and she had stomped upon it...even if that was the furthest from her intention.

John shrugged his shoulders. "At the moment, nothing. What happens next, is up to you. If you want to lead our marriage, then you lead us out of this predicament."

"How am I supposed to do that?" Eleanor asked, incredulously.

"You have all the wisdom, Eleanor, dear, I trust you will figure it out. In the meantime, I do not wish to my room with you tonight...or any night in the near future."

"Fine," Eleanor grunted. "You were just looking for an excuse to push me away."

"That is entirely untrue. I will give you some advice, Lady John. Accusations will not lead us out of this and back into harmony with each other. I suggest you try a different approach." He let go of her and stood. He bowed to here. "My lady."

He left the room without another word.

Eleanor buried her face in the sofa and wept.

---

Supper was undeniably tense even though Eleanor was delighted to catch up with Young Ian.

"I have just received a letter from your mama," Eleanor said, smiling at him. "She says you must write to her more."

Claire glanced at Jamie, "I didn't know that you were writing to Jenny."

"Well, yes," Eleanor nodded, "I wrote her a letter and she responded. I'm actually surprised she took the news so well of my marriage to Lord John."

"I confess I am surprised to hear she did as weel," Jamie frowned, "That dinnae sound like my sister."

"Mama is no too fond of the English," Ian explained to William, who was also present, "I beg yer pardon, Lord John."

"No offense taken, Ian," John waved him off. "I must rather say I am used to it," he gave Eleanor the side eye.

Jamie looked between them, his curiosity piqued. He couldn't figure out what John would be referring to in regards to Eleanor, who had never had such inclinations herself.

"Mama was always fond of Auntie though..." Ian said. "Maybe that is it."

"As I am of very fond her," Eleanor blushed and then took another sip of wine, "I think when I told Jenny the whole of my reasonings, she understood...English or not."

Jamie glanced sharply at her, before wisely trying to turn the conversation to William and inquiring after how his lessons were going.

When supper had adjourned, Eleanor put a hand on John's arm, lightly, "May I speak to you for a moment before I go tend to the children?"

He nodded and led her away from the others.

"Has Isaac been buried yet?"

John stiffened, surprised by her line of questioning. "Tomorrow."

"Where?"

John cleared his throat, "Here. But it must be done discreetly, Eleanor. I have arranged for his mother to be there."

"Would you object if I ask Jamie to accompany me? I won't say anything, but I want to be there."

"That is not necessary," he said, "I will take you myself."

Her heart twisted, "You don't have to if it is objectionable to you."

"I am your husband," John said. "I will fulfill my duty to you if this is what you need."

"John..." Eleanor pleaded, tears forming in her eyes. "I don't know what you want from me."

He gently shrugged off her hand, "Go tend to the children, Eleanor. Tell them that I will come say goodnight to them as well."

He walked away without another word.

---

After the children were put to bed, with stories from Claire and Ian, and hugs and admonishments to go to sleep from Jamie and Lord John, Eleanor went into the sitting room with Young Ian and Willam, the later who was allowed to stay up later than his step-siblings. Claire joined them while Jamie and John retired to the library, drinks in hand.

John sat down on the sofa, weary. "It has been a long day, has it not?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "Did ye settle things with the lass?"

"Eleanor?" John asked.

"Aye, who else?"

John let out a long breath, "Ah, no. I haven't."

Jamie remained silent and John sensed his disapproval.

"Go ahead and speak your mind, Jamie," he said, taking another sip.

"It isna my place too," Jamie said.

"You do with Eleanor, do you not?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "But I am accustomed to speaking plainly to her...I would never wish to interfere with the way ye choose to handle yer marriage."

"Hum," John swirled his drink, "How was she when she left Red Hill?"

"Distraught. I had to hold her hair while she spilled her guts on the side of the road," Jamie said, bluntly. "Then as we were talkin it over, she became panicked, feelin like she couldna catch her breath."

"Did she?" John frowned, "I didn't realize she had that strong of a reaction. You could have told me so. My words were quite harsh to her."

"Aye," Jamie said, "But ye dinna ask."

"Did she say anything else?"

"She said much, but nothing against ye," Jamie said.

"At least that is something," John said. "Well, go on, Mr. Fraser, say what you want to say."

Jamie shifted, "Keeping her at a distance is worse than beating her, John."

"Do you think?"

"Aye, I do," Jamie nodded. "She cares deeply fer ye, John. And she wants yer approval," Jamie frowned, "May I speak plainly?"

"Is this not speaking plainly?" John asked, but a small smile crossed his lips.

Jamie snorted, "Aye, I suppose it is. Ye need to do whatever ye need to do to settle it with her and then move on."

"Well, thank you for your advice, but I have decided that Eleanor can decide how she wishes to settle the matter betwix us."

Jamie stilled and then he nodded, "Aye, that is verra gut, John."

"Well, I thought so," he said, dryly. He rose, "May I show you something?"

"Of course."

He went to his desk, opened the drawer and pulled out and object, "I was waiting for the right time to give it to Eleanor, but I didn't think I should without showing it to you first."

"What is it?" Jamie asked, curiously.

John placed it into Jamie's hand and he studied it, "Is this the sapphire I gave ye...at Ardsmuir?"

John nodded, "I wanted Ellie to have it, so I fashioned it into a ring. Do you mind me giving it to Eleanor? I thought I should ask since you had given it to me first."

Jamie studied the ring and then looked to his friend, "No, I dinna mind. It is yers to do as ye wish, but I have to say...I am verra glad fer Eleanor to have it."

"Do you think she will like it?" John asked.

Jamie looked at him and nodded, "Aye, she will that, especially if ye tell her the story behind it."

"I wasn't going to."

"But you should," Jamie told him seriously, "It will bring more meaning to her to ken so." He paused and then handed back the ring to John, who placed it back in the drawer, "If Eleanor canna figure out how to make amends, how long are ye goin to let her stew?"

John shrugged, "I cannot foresee."

"She cares fer ye, John. Dinna let her stew too long. She only did what she thought was right."

John gave a small smile, "And here the roles are quite reversed...are they not?"

Jamie smiled, "Aye, I suppose they are," he chuckled.

"How about a chess match?"

"Aye, I'd like that verra much."

---

Eleanor went through the motions of putting the children to bed, Jamie and Claire and Young Ian helping her. Jamie then retired into the library with Lord John for an hour, drinking and playing chess with him, while Eleanor paced the sitting room upstairs. Finally, she went down again and knocked on the door to the study.

"I don't mean to interrupt, but..." Eleanor strode across the room and reached for the whisky, "I'm taking this upstairs."

John raised an eyebrow. "Help yourself, of course," he commented, letting out a long breath.

"Ach," Jamie stood and went over to her side. He took the whisky from her. "Ye dinna need the whole thing. May I?" he looked to John.

"If she wants to imbibe herself, that's her prerogative. But if she suffers ill effects in the morning, she still has five children to look after."

Jamie shot John a disapproving look and then poured her some, "One, lassie. Only one. To calm yer nerves."

John stood. "I am going to bed." He looked to Jamie, "I will help you with the matter we discussed earlier."

"I thank ye, John," Jamie said, nodding. "I will stay another day to make sure the children are settled. Given today's events, I dinna think it best to leave in the morning as planned, but I can only spare one more day. Then we must continue our journey."

"Of course," John bowed, "I bid you goodnight. Lady John, I will see you in the morning."

"Lord John," She forced a smile at him, "Pleasant dreams."

He left and Eleanor slammed the glass on the table, it sloshing around.

Jamie eyed her and made a disgruntled noise, "Come and sit, lass."

She picked up the glass and managed to take a few sips before coming to take John's spot at the chess board. "Do you want to play me?"

"Aye," Jamie said, arranging the pieces. "What are ye doin besides searching fer whisky?"

"I'm waiting for Hope to be more settled before sneaking into my room," Eleanor said, honestly, another sip.

Jamie paused and then met her eyes, "Is that arrangement common?"

"No, I usually share a room with John...but he has made it clear that he cannot stand to be near me. And the sitting room didn't have a fire because we do not really use it much. I may just sleep in there tonight even with the cold." She took another sip.

Jamie continued to set up the board, "His anger will cool, Eleanor. Ye must be patient. Ye can start if ye'd like."

"I thank you, Mr. Fraser," Eleanor said, "Very gallant of you." She made her move. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"Weel," Jamie moved his piece, "Brianna is here."

"Brianna?" Eleanor said, pausing her hand still on her chess piece, "Your Brianna?"

"Aye," Jamie smiled at the thought.

"That's extraordinary. When did that happen?"

"Right after we returned to Fraser's Ridge," Jamie said.

Eleanor moved her piece. "I'm sure Claire is thrilled."

"Aye, she is," Jamie nodded, sliding his piece, "As am I. It was a gift to see the lass and one I never expected."

She smiled, "What is she like?" She moved another piece.

"Ah," Jamie studied the board and then looked at her, "Verra bonny. And tall. Like a Fraser," he moved another piece, "And has the temper to match. But she is also verra humorous. Thoughtful. Canny. I think ye would like her."

"I'm sure I would," Eleanor said, studying the board.

"But..." Jamie's stopped and even though Eleanor was looking at the chess pieces at the moment, she instinctively felt his tension and knew something significant had happened.

Eleanor looked up to study Jamie, "What happened?"

"Ye arena the only one who has made poor impulsive choices, Eleanor," Jamie said, "I was a fool. I only hoped I dinna damage our relationship beyond repair."

"Oh, Jamie," Eleanor shook her head, "Tell me what happened."

Jamie launched into his story, telling Eleanor everything. When he was finished, Eleanor reached across the board to lightly rest her hand on Jamie's arm. "Do not worry, James. Brianna will forgive you in time. You'll find Roger and return him to her. You always make things better for the ones you love. And your sense of honor and justice molded together with your compassion and kindness is what makes you you. She will see all those characteristics in you once her temper settles."

"Ye do ken that it is also what makes Lord John Lord John." Jamie said, his voice low.

"I know that," Eleanor's voice couldn't hide her sorrow.

Jamie gripped her hand and then lifted it to kiss it. "Go to John and make things right, mo ghraidh."

"How do I do that?" Eleanor asked. "He is really hurt, Jamie."

"Ye must show him that ye trust him...the man he is."

"But how?" Eleanor prompted. "I can say it all I want, but he won't believe me."

Jamie titled his head, "Ye ken what ye must do."

"It's not going to happen," Eleanor said, adamantly.

"Ye are fortune that ye and I arena still marrit or I dinna think ye would be sittin so comfortably tonight. Ach and before ye say otherwise, ye would have offered consent. Dinnae ye ken it is weel deserved?"

"I wouldn't deny that fact," Eleanor said, wryly. "It's just...I don't think it would fix it."

"It would at least show him that ye want to make it right" Jamie said, "Unless ye dinnae." He moved a piece. "Checkmate."

"Damn it," Eleanor wrinkled her nose, "You bested me again."

"Ye were distracted," Jamie said, a small smile on his lips. "Do ye, Ellie?"

"Do I what?" Eleanor said, looking over the board at him.

"Do ye want to make matters right with Lord John?"

Eleanor let out a long breath, "I care for him alot, Jamie. He and I...I wouldn't have thought, but..."

"Aye, I ken. I see it, Eleanor."

"But, he was so harsh with me earlier."

"John's tongue is far worse than his arm," Jamie said.

Eleanor raised an eyebrow, "How would you know?"

Jamie cleared his throat, "Ardsmuir."

Eleanor reached for the whisky and poured another glass and one for Jamie. She handed to him. "He whipped you."

"Aye, but he had to, otherwise his authority would have been compromised."

"And what was so great your offense that he had to add to those bloody scars on your back?"

"That dinna matter," Jamie said. "Eleanor, I beat men in my command as well. Some who did not keep watch properly. There has to be consequences for disobedience or carelessness otherwise the repercussions for carelessness or disobedience in those situations could be dire for all the men. I understand that Lord John did what he must and I dinna think he took a bit of pleasure from it...just as I do not think that what happened today, he wasn't indifferent to that man's plight. He offered to buy him..."

Eleanor's eyes grew wide, "Did he?"

"Of course, he did. He said that he couldna bear to see your heart affected by it. And what he did today, to your eyes, it may seem unjust, but in our time, it was extending mercy to him. He couldna do anymore than he did. Ye have to ken that he acted honorably. But he couldna sacrifice ye and the bairns and Willie's inheritance to make a stand. It wouldna have done any gut because the next time a slave attacks a white man even while being captured, the mob will still appear and demand retribution. He might have been able to make a bargain to settle the matter in a different manner, but after ye made such a fuss with the overseer and the other men got involved, there was no other alternative."

Eleanor's heart tore. "I caused it."

"No, mo ghraidh," Jamie said, quickly, "I dinnae say that."

"But I made it worse. I should have waited for him. I tried to buy us time, but I had gotten so angry."

"Aye, tis true," Jamie said, seriously.

"I judged him today," Eleanor twisted her hands. "He said I thought too highly of my own opinions to actually listen."

Jamie snorted, "Ye do that...but we love ye in spite of it, lassie."

"You weren't offended by what Lord John did to you at Ardsmuir?"

"Of course, I am no offended. I would have done the same most likely to the men under my command."

"But I am not in Lord John's command."

Jamie raised an eyebrow.

Eleanor let out a breath. "Very well. Point taken. Tomorrow. If he still seems put out with me."

"Speaking from experience, it is best to get it over with fer both yer sakes."

"Advice received, but you should know me well by now. I'm going to try to wait it out."

"And if that dinna work?"

"Then, I will heed your advice Mister Fraser...but good God, " Eleanor winced. "This goes against everything..."

"You said if ye consent, it is different," Jamie pointed out, "And he isna forcing his hand with ye. He would have been weel within his rights to do so."

Eleanor hugged herself, "I hate it when you are so reasonable, James."

Jamie threw back his head and laughed. "Go to bed, Eleanor. Perhaps it will be better in the morn."

---

But clearly, it was not better in the morn. Or during the day. Or at supper. Or at bedtime, even after the five children were put to sleep. Finally, Eleanor managed to gather up the courage to knock on John's door.

Her stomach in knots, she pushed open the door at his allowance.

"Do you need something, Eleanor?" John asked from his spot reading in bed. He didn't look up.

She swallowed hard. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sure you are," John said, dryly, still reading his book.

"No, I'm really sorry," Eleanor said. "Wretchedly so. You were right about everything. I am too impulsive. I do think I know better. I didn't trust you. And my pride wouldn't let me submit."

He turned another page. "Is that all?"

"John," Eleanor said, exasperated. "Will you not even look at me?"

He turned another page.

"There is no way that you could have possibly read that page that quickly," Eleanor muttered. "Stop shutting me out."

"You are going to have to do better," John said, still looking down. "Saying you're sorry does not restore my trust in you nor does it compel me to think that the very next time you think you know best, that you will not act out against my direction and the next time the consequences could be much more severe for us."

Eleanor took a breath, "Is that truly how you feel?"

"Yes."

She let out her breath and then went over to the chair where his clothes lay, not yet put away by Tom. She shifted through the heavy garments until she found what she was looking for and then went over and dropped it on his lap.

That got his attention.

"Ah," John said, his eyes still fixated on the page, but she knew he was listening. "What are you up to, Lady John?"

She sat on the bed next to him. "I come from a time where this between a man and a wife would be considered reprehensible unless it is done as some sort of sexual foreplay," she said, bluntly.

He cleared his throat and then reached to put a mark in his spot and tossed his book onto the nightstand. "Is that so?" He looked at her now, studying her intently.

She nodded.

"As intriguing a notion as that is, what is your point, Eleanor?"

"My point is that while I come from that time, you do not. You come from a time where justice and honor and obedience and consequences...require harshness as well as mercy. Where lapses in judgment are met with real life...scary consequences. We could have lost everything, by my inability to see that. I deserve censure. I mean if ever there was a time..."

"You do deserve it," John said, slowly. "Yet...I do not wish to lay a hand on you."

"You wished so yesterday."

"Yes," John said. "I did. But I chose not to."

"But I need harmony between us, John. If we are at odds, I will never survive this life. I was wrong and this is the only way I know how to make it right. Let me atone in this way. Please."

John let out his breath, sliding his legs to dangle off the bed. "Good God in heaven. You have spunk, Lady John."

She gave him a small smile, "Do I?"

He chuckled. "In spades."

"I don't feel spunky at the moment," she said, honestly.

"I'm sure you do not, yet you do have it."

"So..." Eleanor bit her lip.

"I need to think."

"Very well."

He studied her a few minutes, contemplating his next move, before saying slowly, "I will consent to what you wish. Go and change into your nightgown. I need to talk to Tom."

She nodded and then said, her voice shaking, "You will be...not too..."

"Do not fear," He reached for her hand, squeezing it gently. "I know the line between discipline and cruelty, dearest. I will not cross it, especially with you of all persons."

He stood and then stepped out of room, searching for Tom.

"Yes, my lord?"

"Go and request a bath to be prepared for Lady John in the study. Make sure the fire is roaring- I want the room very warm for her."

"Shall I ask Susanna to attend to her?"

"No," John shook his head. "I will attend to her myself. Ask Susanna to keep her eye on the children though. And if they need anything, request that Mr. Fraser be woken. He will not mind."

"Yes, my Lord."

He stepped back into the room, Eleanor leaning against the door to the sitting room, trying to gather her nerve again.

He beckoned, "Come to me." He held out his hand for her.

She bit her lip and her nerve almost cracked into pieces. "I'm not sure this is a good idea, upon further reflection."

"Is that so?" John mused. "Was the idea better in your head than in reality?"

She planted her feet to the floor, "It wasn't all that great in my head, truth be told."

John sat down on the bed, "I can wait. I'm not going to force you into this."

Eleanor cleared her throat, "The few times Jamie did this, I fought with him. It was like wrestling with a bear."

"Did you get eaten?" John asked, amused.

"To say the least," Eleanor said. "Every single time...which was only two. Well, three, but we don't count the third."

"What was the third?" John asked, curiously.

Eleanor bit her lip, "It was after Murtagh and I were married. It was bad. I can't talk about it- it hurts even thinking of it."

"You don't have to tell me," John said, calmly, "I know he didn't truly hurt you because despite of how hot headed Mr. Fraser can be, he is fair and just and would never be cruel with you...married or not."

"That's accurate," Eleanor nodded. "It wasn't cruel...just emotionally heartbreaking."

He looked at her sympathetically, "I'm very sorry for it."

"Me too," She said, hugging her arms against her, "I'm still not moving."

"Very well," John shifted on the bed, getting comfortable, sensing they might be in this position for a while. "I told you, I am not forcing you to this."

"You may have to," Ellie said, honestly.

"I will not," John answered, calmly. "If I force you, then I do not think this will accomplish what you have set out to."

She let our her breath, "Damn your insightfulness."

John gave her a wry smile, "Why don't you just tell me what you are thinking?"

She shrugged, "I have so many thoughts."

"Such as," John prompted, and when she didn't respond, he asked, "Are you scared that I will be unreasonable with you?"

She shook her head. "No," she said slowly.

"Then you trust me."

"Of course, I do."

"So why are you unable to cross the divide betwix us?" he asked.

Eleanor let out a breath, "I don't know. It means I'm vulnerable to you. Submissive. As I told you, this was considered abusive in my century. To me, this is an act of letting go some of my preconceived notions of justice and fairness and I'm not sure I wish to."

"Nor would I truly wish you to either," John countered, "You do understand that it is sometimes considered abusive in this century as well. Husbands just should not go around and beat their wives. And if they must resort to such measures, which I do not, for the record, believe they should, except in the most severe circumstances, they should take care to act with fairness and not out of anger."

"But..."

"If I was to chastise Mac or William, would you consider that abuse?"

"No," Eleanor said, "I mean...depends on how you do so, I suppose."

"Precisely," John said, nodding.

"But I am your wife and not your child."

"That is very true," John said, "Do you feel like you acted like my wife or more like my child by your actions yesterday?"

She winced. "It was probably childish to climb out the window."

"Do you think?" John said, lightly.

"What do you wish?"

John shrugged. "I do not know fully. You are right though, I do not believe you should be immune to consequences, especially for when you acted so recklessly. Whether you wish it to be or not, you are still my responsibility...and you are under my care and direction. Considering that you have little clear understanding of the time and culture that we live in, it is even more important that I bring you back into the understanding of the reality of these times...and who are you are in it."

"You wish to break my spirit."

"Never would I wish to," John retorted, adamantly, "It is your spirit that I adore. You have a beautiful soul, Eleanor. Nothing that has happened in these two days will change my view of that...nor do I foresee anything happening in the future that will alter my opinion."

Eleanor practically melted under his sweet words.

John continued, "But I do need you to understand the harshness of the consequences of reckless actions...before those consequences are out of my hands. Before we wed, you pressed me on this and I said that I could not discount it entirely. All that you have done fit when I said I would consider such action. But I will not push you to this. You must come to that realization yourself."

"If I allow this, it means I am opening the door to this happening again."

"But Eleanor, dearest, this is your choice," John countered. "You don't have to atone in this way. You have the control here."

She bit her lip, "How about I let you...do whatever you want..."

John titled his head, "I do not understand what you mean."

"Whatever you want, with whom you want..."

John looked up to the heavens, "Good Lord, Eleanor. Do you wish to restore trust in our marriage by allowing me to have an affair? How is that even sensible?"

"Well, I do trust you...only to do it once."

"I see," John let out a long breath, "Sweetheart, I do not think it will be constructive for you to atone for breaking our trust by encouraging me to do the same. It's not a tit for tat, Ellie."

She paused, "I don't know...it all makes sense in my head."

"Clearly," John snorted. "You are quite endearing even when I wish to throttle you."

"Yes, I've heard that before," Eleanor said, "Well, what other way can I atone in?"

"I suppose..." John thought about it, "you should apologize to Mister Smith and hire him back. He was only doing his job, even if he threatened you. And then go to Red Hill and apologize. Say you were wrong."

"Ah, no," Eleanor said. "I'd rather die a thousands deaths."

"Would you?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Yes," Eleanor retorted, heatedly, "I was wrong with you to follow when you told me to stay. My beliefs are not wrong. I didn't wrong them. I wronged you. No, I have to do something that shows I trust you completely...to be fair and just...the man I know you are," she paused and then looked annoyed. "Oh, crap."

"We could think of a different way," John offered, unable to hide the twinkle in his eye. "I am open to ideas..."

She made a face, "This is the only thing I could think of...and it does make sense...in an awful kind of way."

John smirked at her, "Then get yourself over here, my darling." He patted the spot in front of him.

She looked at him, disgruntled. As he was often apt to do, he trapped her with that precise logic of his that was impossible to deny. She looked up to the ceiling and then chuckled, "You know you could have just physically wrestled me into submission. It would have been quicker."

"What fun is that?" he said. He stood and held out his hand. "Come. I'm eager to be done with this dreadful business. I'll be fair with you, Ellie."

"Ahh, damn it to all freaking hell," Eleanor cursed under her breath.

"Charming," John said, chuckling with amusement. "God, I love it when you are like this. Now, gather that nerve of yours and come to me. The hardest step is the first. I told you I was not forcing you. If you wish for this, you will do this on your own."

And in spite of her 21st century pride and ideals, she found herself walking to him and placing her hand in his.

---

John moved to sit beside her, climbing up on the bed. "Eleanor, darling," he said, his voice soft. "What can I do?"

"I need you," She moved to rest her head in his lap, "Is this okay?"

He ignored her modern slip of tongue, "Of course, it is," he said, his voice kind.

"Don't turn me away."

"Never," He reached down to stroke her hair tenderly. "I shouldn't have yesterday. That was very wrong of me."

"It was understandable," Eleanor said. "Why would you want to share a bed with me when we were at odds?"

"To demonstrate that I believed we would reach an understanding again," John said, "Given your history with Jamie, it was important for me to show you I would never willingly abandon you or this marriage, but I was angry as well. I'm sorry if I caused you distress in that regard, Ellie."

"Thank you for that," she sniffed. "Jamie assured me that your temper would cool if I would be patient."

"Yes, he knows us both very well," John said.

They sat there like that for a few minutes, Eleanor continuing to cry, her face in his lap, him stroking her hair gently. She was still, but he could sense her anxiety- her soul was not settled. He was becoming increasingly worried over Eleanor's broken spirit.

"I was not too harsh, was I?" John asked, his brow creased in worry. "I did not wish to be. It honestly tried not to be."

"No, it's fine. You weren't too harsh at all. It aches, but it is not awful. This is not for that."

"Then what are your tears for?"

"I just feel wretched, because of who I am. I hate who I am. And I hate that I cannot change myself. And I am embarrassed."

"Ah, your pride is sore," John said, patting the side of her head, "That's understandable. The feeling will go away, my darling."

"I don't think it ever will."

"Why is that?"

"This isn't the first time I've experienced this, John...but it was different with Jamie."

"How so?" John frowned at the thought.

She shook her head, "Just never mind."

"I wish you would tell me what you are thinking."

She began to shiver, suddenly cold.

John gently moved her aside to get down from the bed.

"Here, you are shivering," John reached for her robe and then gripped her arm, gently helping her to sit up. He carefully brushed her hair to the side and then helped her put her arm through the sleeves of her robe and then the other one and finally tying the sash for her.

"What are we doing?" Eleanor asked, trying to quell the beat in her heart.

"I have a bath ready downstairs. I think it will help soothe the ache. At the very least, take your chill away."

Her knees wobbled. Her nerves were absolutely shattered after what just happened. "I think I just want to curl up and go to sleep and forget all of this happened."

"I'm certain you do, but I do not think running away from your feelings will be beneficial in the end," John said. "And I do not think allowing you to do so is helpful for our marriage. Don't draw away. Let's face this together."

"I just feel too shaky to walk."

He leaned down and then lifted her up in his arms. "I can carry you."

"I'm too heavy."

"Nonsense," John said.

"I don't want to see anyone right now."

"Of course you don't," John said, shifting her to hold her more securely, "I'm going to help you with your bath tonight. The only person you'll have to see is me." He paused, "Unless you don't wish to see even me. In that case..."

"No, I want you with me," Eleanor said, "It's just you are only in your nightshirt as well," Eleanor said. "We can't properly walk through the home like this."

"It's our home, Eleanor, it does not matter," John reminded her. "Tuck your head into my chest. There you are."

He carried her downstairs and into the study where a warm bath was waiting. He carefully eased her down and then shut the door, tightly. "We will not be disturbed."

She nodded.

"Do you need help taking off your clothes?" he asked as he knelt beside the bath. He dipped his hand in the water. "Come, my dear, while it is still warm."

She fiddled with the tie to her robe, it dropping to the floor. She unbuttoned the top two buttons of her nightgown, it sliding off.

She walked over to where John was standing. He offered her a hand to help her step in and then slide down.

She let out a long moan. John reached to catch her hair from dipping into the bath. "Here," he twisted it up and tied it with a ribbon that Susanna had laid out along with a fresh nightgown and large piece of cloth. "There you are. Doesn't look the best but will do to keep it dry."

She closed her eyes tightly, fighting all the emotions that were whirling up again. John reached to run a finger across her cheek. "Do you wish to talk about it now?"

She shifted in the bath and then opened her eyes. "I don't understand the harshness of the time we live in. It scares me. Jamie tried to shield me from everything, but you were right yesterday, it is not realistic. I am going to have to face things I do not wish to. And I ache that my children will have to live with that as well."

John reached for a sponge and began to bathe her. "But you are not facing such things alone, are you?"

"Perhaps you wish me to after the past two days," Eleanor said, her voice soft. "I know I am not the ideal wife."

"I must tell you," John dipped the sponge again again and then pushed her forward slightly so he could rub her back with it. "Even when my anger was at its highest, never did I wish you to be gone completely from me. You do try me, but you also bring me great joy and contentment, Eleanor."

They let his words soak in even as he continued to scrub her body so tenderly. They sat there for a few minutes, Eleanor finding comfort in his touch and in the warmth of the bath.

Finally, John cleared his throat. "You said it was different with Jamie, when he chastised you. I want to know what you meant."

"I only meant that..." She swallowed hard as tears sprung to her eyes, "He.." her voice cracked as the words came out strangled, "loved me."

"I see now," John put aside the sponge. "It's time to get out, dearest."

"Why?" Eleanor looked weary.

"You told me once that when you argued with Jamie, there was a way that you and he used to restore intimacy." John paused, "I wish the same for us."

"You want us to have sex," Eleanor paused, biting her lip.

"Yes," John said, "I cannot properly tell you your worth to me, but I can try to show you. You need to feel my closeness and acceptance of you as much as I need to ensure that you do."

She nodded.

He lifted her out of the bath, she dripping water across the floor to lay her on the giant bearskin rug in front of the fire.

"I never meant for it to be against you," she murmured as his hand threaded through hers.

"Shh," he hushed her, "Put your mind at ease." He began to kiss down her neck and across her collar bone.

She began to wiggle and then winced even though the massive bear fur rug was luxuriously soft.

"Is the rug comfortable enough for you?" he looked up. "We can return to our bed."

"No," She shook her head. "It actually feels good."

"And it is serving to dry your wet skin," John said, a small smile on his face, "Are you warm enough?"

"We are right by the fire," Eleanor said, squeezing his hand.

"Are you certain you wish for this?" he said, his voice low. "If you need your pride to heal more...I know it has taken a bruising."

"My pride has suffered greatly, but both instances were of my own making..." she said, softly. "I am so very sorry, Lord John."

"I forgive you...Truth be told, I forgave you long before you came to me tonight..."

A sob caught in Eleanor's throat and he kissed her hand tenderly and then her neck and her lips, before crashing into her, causing her to tremble, her emotions overwrought. The sob escaped before she could hold it in.

"Darling," John stilled and then rested his forehead against hers, his breath on her, "I have you. You are well. And in spite of what you do or how you wrong me or how angry I am with you, I will always forgive you."

"Why?"

He nestled further into her causing her to moan. "My care for you is not contingent on you always following my direction. There is no honor in that. I want you to heed my direction because it shows that you trust my person, who I am, that you know I will always act in your best interest and that of our family."

"I'm ashamed because the things you said before...they are true."

"They may be true, but there need be no shame betwix us, do you understand?" He kissed her deeply.

She shifted her bum, wincing again.

"Do you need me to stop?" he asked, his eyes concerned.

"I don't want you to," she said, honestly, "But my bum hurts when I wiggle."

"I see," John kissed her check and then leaned to whisper in her ear. "If that is the case, I suggest you stay still," He reached down to put a hand on her hip, pinning it to the rug.

"It is hard to stay still when I feel this way with you."

"And what way is that?" John asked, lightly.

"Like my need is so great...to feel..." she paused, "closer to you."

"I didn't think it to be possible," John rubbed her hip as his forehead rested again against hers, "but when I know I am bringing you joy and I hear the sounds of your need, my own need increases tenfold. And to know how vulnerable you must have felt tonight, for you to put your trust in me...yet again. It means so much."

"But I feel the rift between us was so great..."

"It was," John said, beginning to move, "But now we heal."

---

When they had finished, John had turned her over so she could lie on her stomach, her head turned to face him. Her hair splayed over her shoulders, pooling around her. John leaned up, supporting his head with his elbow, his other hand, began gently caressing her bum.

"I never wished to do such a thing to you..." John said, his voice low.

"I know," she looked at him. "There is something in the way that you and Jamie both work- justice and honor it is so ingrained upon you. I had to restore it somehow. And this was a way that I know would be effective. I did you wrong by not trusting you...and I did put our family at risk."

"Still..." he paused, "Do not ever put me in this position again."

She reached out to wipe her thumb against his cheek. "You married a fool for a wife. I cannot promise."

He swatted gently at her posterior, before continuing to gently rub it. "This wasn't for your interference to begin with- I hope you know that. I was ready to let that go. I understood why and knew that you would not understand the implications of how we had to delicately navigate these waters. The culture here...in this time, in this place. But when I explicitly asked you to trust me and stay and you so brazenly followed...even though I tried to explain to you..."

"I acted with my emotions...with my heart."

"Yes," he gently swatted her again, "And I need you to act with your head. Or at least know that I could lead this to a reasonable conclusion. You were arrogant and at the same time, hopelessly naive. Still, I hope I was not too harsh with you tonight."

"Truth be told, I rather preferred this than your dressing down of me yesterday. That hurt way worse...You took so much care to moderate your physical discipline, your verbal thrashing was rather unrestrained."

"Oh darling, I should have been more careful with my words," John said, frowning deeply. "I can be cutting and I know you take everything to heart and it stays with you for the longest time. I was angry."

"You meant it though."

"I did," John said, slowly. "Yet I should not have said it."

"And I think that is what pains me the most," Eleanor said, quietly. "With Jamie...his temper was easily sparked. He would say things and I would know that he didn't truly mean them...or he did at the time, but probably wouldn't later after things were fixed between us. But with you...you are so even keeled. So I know if you say those things to me...I must have been truly awful to begin with."

"Sweetheart," John's heart twisted as the tears began to pool again in Eleanor's eyes. "I do have a temper, it just manifests differently than Jamie's. And I did mean it, but I shouldn't have said it. I wasn't completely wrong in my assessment of your faults, but for all your faults, you are still the most remarkable woman that I am privileged to be married to. I think so highly of you, Eleanor."

"I don't think that of me," The tears flowed down her cheeks. "The burden of having to constantly check myself...my manner, my posture, my language...and to know that even though I see things that are reprehensible, it will be hundreds of years before it is fully righted. I cannot change the course of history- Jamie and Claire tried. History will remain history. Some days I cannot bear it. Some days, I lose myself in the weight of it- which is what happened yesterday- it was as I couldn't think clearly."

"And that is when I can guide you through that, if only you would open yourself up and truly listen. I want you to know that what I say is for your good and the good of our five children we are raising together. I will not lead you astray, Ellie. I need you to trust me."

She nodded.

"I wish to know," John asked, still caressing her. "What made you think of this?"

"I have to admit that it was Jamie's suggestion."

John raised both of his eyebrows, "That should not surprise me...though you agreeing with it does."

"So," Eleanor touched his arm, lightly, "He told me of Ardsmuir."

John's hand stilled. "Did he?"

"Yes."

"And?" John prompted.

"And nothing," Eleanor retorted, "I just wanted you to know that I knew." she paused, "What did you think?"

"Of what are you referring to?"

"Of when you saw the scars on his back," Eleanor's voice was low.

"I was shocked," John admitted, his eyes far off, "And it made me feel ill."

Eleanor nodded, "I used to cry over them- when Jamie was sleeping. Not often, but it broke my heart."

"Darling," John lifted his hand to cradle her face, "Did he know?"

"Yes, he caught me every time," Eleanor sniffed, "Jamie is good like that. Not much got past him."

"What did he say?"

"I shouldn't fret over the past on his account, but he understood why I felt that way. He knew it wasn't from pity, but from my love for him and my heartache that the man I love and cherish and respect so deeply had a past that wounded him so badly...and more often than naught, unfairly."

"He did fought in the Rising, Eleanor," John's voice was low.

"John," Eleanor looked in his eyes, "I feel like I should tell you something."

"You can tell me anything you wish," he said, rubbing her cheek with his fingers. "You must know that."

"I do," Eleanor bit her lip, "But it is about Jamie. And the Rising."

John shifted, "You have alluded to that once before...in Edinburgh."

"Do you remember that?

"I do," John said, "I found it most odd at the time and I couldn't fathom what you meant by it."

"Well, you see," Eleanor's gaze still held his eyes, "Jamie was trying to stop the Rising when he was in France. Him and Claire...trying to manipulate history to save Scotland and the clan culture. And after they lost their child and returned to Scotland, Charles Stuart signed Jamie's name to the letter declaring his intent to take back the throne. Jamie wanted nothing more than to stay in Lallybroch with his family."

"Great God in heaven," John frowned deeply, "He had no choice but to fight."

"Yes, he was branded a traitor anyway. He gave up everything. Lallybroch by all rights, should be his. He gave it up because Claire knew that the land would have been stripped from his family after the war if he had kept it. And it was unfair because he never wanted this war to begin with."

"This is extraordinary," John let out a long breath, "I do not know what to make of it."

"Please don't tell him I told you. Jamie would be irritated with me...and has truly been so kind and supportive the past two days."

"He understands your heart well," John said, moving his hand to rub her arm lightly. There was an odd tone to his voice that Eleanor couldn't read.

"He tries to at least. He knows how deeply I feel and how hard it is for me to shut off my emotions. Why do you think he is so intent on protecting me from this life?"

John paused, "At the very least, I think I understand that better now- his protectiveness is fierce when it comes to you. It's different with him and Claire. He doesn't feel the need to shield her as much."

"Yes, I used to think it was because he thought she was stronger than me, but I do think it was because my heart responds to things differently than hers even though they shared plenty of heartache together in the few years before she was sent back."

He looked at her intently,"Did something else happen to Jamie at the hands of the British? Beyond my knowledge?"

She nodded.

"I suspected so," John said.

"I can't tell you those particulars...it is too personal to Jamie."

"Of course not, I would never ask you to," John said.

"I do think you should know- I told Jamie that when we were married when he told me of some of your arguments with him- not the details, but I inferred what was going on."

He paused. "You do know that you aren't the only one that has to hide away who they are," John said, quietly. "If anybody can help you, it is I."

"But that in itself is sad," Eleanor commented, her voice a whisper. "I wish so much more for you."

"Eleanor," John sat up fully this time and reached for her hand, helping her up. "I need you to know something."

"What is it?"

"You said that it was different with Jamie because there is love betwix the two of you."

"Yes," she said, slowly.

"I, myself, do not feel like you and I have a marriage devoid of love. Do you?"

She paused, thinking it over. She looked him in the eyes. "No, I don't."

He grasped her chin, titling it from side to side, "Do not hate who you are, Eleanor. For I do not."

She swallowed down the lump in her throat, "Thank you, Lord John."

"For what?"

"Knowing how to speak to me in spite of how frustrating I must be," she sniffed, her eyes full of tears, "I know I said Jamie understands my heart well, but that wasn't to say that you do not. Truth be told, you do as well...and I am grateful that you are so kind and honorable and incredibly generous towards me. I do not deserve it."

"Of course you do," He kissed her gently and then pulled away, "I have something for you."

He rose and went over to the desk and pulled out the ring, "I was waiting for the right time to give this to you..."

"So you thought after you beat me and bathed me and made love to me, that it would be the most opportune time," Eleanor said, teasingly.

"I'm glad you can tease about it so soon," John chuckled and Eleanor giggled.

John paused and then smiled more widely, "I love it when you do that."

"When I do what?"

"Laugh," he plopped back down, "I once told Jamie that your laugh could heal the most weary of souls."

"Did you?" Eleanor titled her head, "That's very sweet."

John smiled again, "Close your eyes and open up your hand, Lady John."

Eleanor did as he requested and he plopped the ring into her hand. She opened her eyes and studied it and then looked back at John, "It's so lovely," she said as she admired it. "The jewel is a..."

"Sapphire," John said, "It matches the blue of your eyes. It was given to me at Ardsmuir by a one Mister James Fraser."

"Jamie?" Eleanor asked, her mouth opened in surprise.

"Yes," John said. "He had escaped to go looking for Claire. There was a man who had information of a treasure hidden away by the Jacobites. He mentioned the name White Witch, which..."

"Was Claire's name in France..." Eleanor nodded, following the story.

"I had thought I had lost one of the most decorated prisoners, but Jamie returned, bringing this. He gave it to me. I have treasured it since, being a gift from such a..." he paused, swallowing hard, "dear friend."

Eleanor stilled, "And you wish me to have it?"

He nodded, "Very much so."

"But it means so much to you," Eleanor said, "being from Jamie."

"Yes," John said, "but you do as well."

Eleanor's voice grew hoarse, "I'm honored, John. This means...so much to me," she reached out to put her arms around him.

"Now you have a piece of me...and of Jamie...always," he held her close to him. "Do you like it?"

She pulled away, "I do. I like it very much."

He took it from her to slide it on her finger, "It fits well. And looks very well on you."

"Thank you again," Eleanor said, leaning up to kiss him.

"You are most welcome," John said. They sat like that for a while, John holding her in his arms, before he kissed her head and said,

"Jamie wishes myself to go to River Run to look on Mistress Fraser. He mentioned that his Aunt would be happy to see the children again as well as to meet you. Shall we all go?"

Eleanor bit her lip, "I'm not sure about taking Hope, John. Jamie said that his Aunt...well, she knew Murtagh well. If she figures out the truth..."

"She cannot see, Eleanor."

"For what Jamie described and from what I read in the letters exchanged between her and Jenny, I am not sure that matters much."

"We are not hiding Hope away, my dear," John said, firmly. "I could go to River Run myself if you would like to stay behind."

She shook her head, "No, we should all go." She looked worried.

"What is the matter?"

"Brianna..." she paused, "I'm the other woman, John."

"She knows the truth of your history, Eleanor," John said. "I would not fear her reaction."

She nodded, but truth was, she was concerned. If Brianna had her father's personality, she knew that she would be fiercely protective of her mother. And probably not the most reasonable of persons. This could get interesting.

A/N: Up next: River Run