A/N: Thank you SOOO much for everyone who has continued to read & review! A nice long chapter for you...I HOPE everyone is healthy and safe!
Warning: adult themes and some language ahead...
Chapter 33:
"Ah, there you are," John came up to them, with Rosie in his arms. Eleanor and Jamie had been chatting for a while and Rosie had woken and became unsettled, worried about them.
"What's wrong, Rosie?" Eleanor asked, rubbing her back as she pouted. She leaned over to give John a kiss on the cheek in greeting, her hand still on Rosie's back. "Good morning, Lord John."
"Good morning, my dear," John responded. He cleared his throat, surprised at the comfortable affection Eleanor was showing towards him in Jamie's presence, "I think young Rose was worried when she woke up and you and Jamie were both not there. She was inconsolable until I told her that we could go searching for you."
"Oh no, my poor baby," Eleanor responded, frowning, her hand still on Rose's back, "Is everyone else up?"
"They are, but Susanna has them," John said, "They are well-breaking the fast."
Rosie hiccupped, her thumb in her mouth.
"Goodness," Eleanor continued to rub her back. "You can't carry on so, love."
"Aye, Mama is right," Jamie reached for Rosie, taking her from Lord John, "Ye canna expect Da or Mama to be there every moment of the day, wee un. Lord John was there, that should have been sufficient. We canna have ye act like this every time."
"But I needed ye, Da," Rosie cried, her curls plastered to her face. "Dinna be mad at me!"
Jamie squeezed her tightly, "Aye, I ken, alainn ros. Dinna fash, leannan. I'm not angry at ye. It is sometimes scary to wake up to a place and not ken where ye are. But when ye saw Lord John, ye should have settled fer him. Ye canna cause such a fuss, especially when Mama has her hands full with four children."
"I'm sorwy, Da," she said, sweetly.
"Verra gut, but it is perhaps Lord John ye should be sorry to since ye were being difficult fer him, not me," Jamie's voice was firm.
"I'm sorwy Lord John," Rosie told him.
"No worries, Lady Rose, I am always your humble servant," Lord John said, bowing gallantly towards her, causing her to giggle.
"Now," Jamie put her down on the grass with a kiss on the head, "Play for a bit while I talk to Mama and Lord John. Do not interrupt, do ye hear me?"
"Aye, Da," Rosie nodded, seriously as she began to pick wildflowers in the grass.
"I'm sorry, John, that Jamie and I lost track of time," Eleanor told him, watching Rosie carefully, out of the corner of her eye.
"Tis no worry," John said, "The children need to accustom themselves to other adults, especially Rosie. They had been doing well with that, but I believe they are weary from traveling."
"I'll be glad when we are home," Eleanor bit her lip, worried. "Between Sam's tantrums and Rosie practically being my shadow, I just don't know what to do. Is this all because of what happened? Some children who have traumatic events in their childhood never get over it- it carries with them. And I split our family apart- they needed both of us after we got them back and I made more changes for them. Perhaps, I was selfish."
"Ye are not selfish," Jamie frowned. "That dinnae lie on yer shoulders, lassie."
"It does a bit," Eleanor said, "Perhaps, I am not equipped to handle all of this."
"But you are," John put a hand on her arm, "You mustn't think that the children will never get over those ramifications, Eleanor. As you have said before, children are resilient. Twas most probable that they would have behaved this way even without those events. Children find solace with their parents, and as you said, Sam's tantrums are not very abnormal as troublesome they might be in intensity and duration."
"Aye, Lord John is right," Jamie said. "The wee uns will adjust and I am sure will grow into fine adults. In the meantime, why don't I take the wee lads for a few weeks? We are working on the big house at Fraser's Ridge, but there will be plenty to do and plenty of family around between Fergus and Brianna...I ken they would have a gut time."
"But what if they get homesick?" Eleanor frowned. "They would be so far from me and so long for them to get to me...and you would be busy with the house."
"I can send Fergus with them or Murtagh. Tis no a worry."
"But Murtagh..." Eleanor swallowed hard. "Would that be safe?"
"Murtagh kens weel how to be hidden. If needed, it might be a gut endeavor for him to get out of North Carolina. And Mac needs to have time with his godfather, now that we ken he is alive and weel. There are things that all lads should learn- what Murtagh taught me."
"He is a little boy, Jamie," Eleanor said, her face creased in worry. "I do not want him to learn those highland warrior skills yet."
John looked to his wife, skeptically, "I doubt Jamie would permit anything uncouth with Mac or Sam, Eleanor."
Jamie raised an eyebrow at Eleanor's reluctance, "I ken what is appropriate and no fer the lad, Ellie. And from what ye have said, it sounds like Sam needs some fatherly attention. He is givin ye trouble because he kens ye are easy to manipulate."
"Trust me, you cannot beat him out of these tantrums, James," Eleanor let out her breath, the air turning charged between them as Eleanor went into defensive mode.
"Aye, I ken that," Jamie said, "I wasna planning on doing so...but one day it may come to it."
"Not, while I still have breath," Eleanor said, darkly.
"Ye canna tie my hands as their father," Jamie shot back. "Lads need their father...I loved my father even though I was thrashed more times than I can count."
"I do not deny that the boys need you, Jamie. But we are handling it. Sam is getting that attention and redirection from his godfather." She looked over to where Rosie was wandering, "Rosie, don't go to far, honey!" she called.
"Aye, I'm aware of it, but Lord John isna his father."
"I know that, but John is very good with him," Eleanor adamantly retorted, "He respects him. He responds to him." She went over to grab, Rosie bring her back, "Pick flowers over here, lovie," she said, patting her head.
"Eleanor," John's voice was even as he again put his hand on her arm, lightly touching it. "I do not believe Jamie is trying to slight me."
"Of course not," Jamie said, "I dinnae deny that Lord John is capable of pulling Samuel in line, lass, but if I ken ye the way I ken I do, then ye control the parenting in yer household. Dinnae try to tell me that is no the truth because ye do so with me and I am a lot less tolerant of a man than Lord John is."
"Now, wait a moment, I deny that notion that Eleanor is controlling our household," John interjected, "It's offensive, Jamie." His voice was low Jamie knew that John was at the end of his patience with the conversation.
"I dinnae mean to offend," Jamie frowned. "I just ken Eleanor weel…"
"Be that as it may, I am very invested in the children, Jamie, as you well know. The care of a the children has very much been my concern since Eleanor and I wed."
"But do you discipline them the way you ken I would want?"
John shot a warning at Eleanor, who he knew was very put out with Jamie and he knew she was teetering on saying something that would lead to a blow up between the two of them, "When you allowed the children to come under my care, you consented to me, doing what I saw fit in regards to Eleanor and the children. I discipline the children in the way that I see warrants the severity of their behavior. I know you think Sam is allowed free reign, but he is not. His tantrums have been severe at times, but Eleanor and I mutually agree upon a course for each of the children."
"Or more that ye dinnae want to deal with the consequences of Eleanor disagreeing with you. When it comes to the children, I have to ken that she is not tying yer hands."
"Good Lord, you have such a charming opinion of my character," Eleanor drawled as she crossed her arms, shivering, "And here I was thinking we were getting along so well on these past few occasions."
Jamie let out a long breath, "Aye, we were..we still are. But lest ye forget, I ken yer virtues...and yer vices quite well."
"As I do as well for you," Eleanor shot back, "If we are going to parent together, there needs to be a mutual respect betwixt you and I. John may not throw his weight around with me, but I wouldn't dare push his buttons like I push yours."
"Then you admit to provoking me..."
"Oh, undoubtedly," Eleanor said, her eyes staring into his. "And more so, I have acquired the right to do so just for the hell of it."
"Eleanor," John's voice was sharp. "Rose is watching."
Eleanor felt John's hand on her arm, the weight of it heavy. He left it there, a gesture that she knew was meant to caution her with what she said next. But it only served to fluster her that she lost her temper with Jamie in front of Lord John.
"Damn it," Eleanor grunted. "I just hate that we go from being sweet to each other to being at each other's throats. I miss my friend, James."
John patted her arm and then dropped his hand.
"Aye, I ken yer meaning," Jamie turned away from her, trying to gather his temper.
"Are ye mad at mama?" Rosie's voice was low. Jamie's shoulders relaxed, his temper dissipating at the sound of their daughter's sweet voice.
"No, leannan," Jamie reached to pick her up. He kissed Rosie's head. "I can never truly be angry at your mother."
"Because ye love her."
The tension mounted further, but Eleanor's hand slipped into the crook of John's bent arm.
"Of course, I do," Jamie kissed his daughter again. "Just as I love ye and Sam and Mac and Brianna..."
"And Hope. Dinna forget Hope."
"Oh, I canna ever forget Hope," Jamie said, his voice low. His eyes crossed the divide and met Eleanor's, his chin titled. The question was clear in his eyes.
Eleanor's heart began to race. The opening was so evident, like the climax of a novel...
John's hand gently distangled Eleanor's hand from his arm. "Rosie, my dear, will you come with me? There are some pretty flowers I wanted to show you."
Rosie nodded and Jamie put her down to take John's hand, them chatting quietly with each other about the colors of said flowers.
Eleanor's face had flushed, but still she was quiet, watching John's retreating form.
She reached for the fence, both of her hands resting on it, trying to gather her courage. And yet as the words danced upon the tip of her tongue, as she rehearsed them over and over in her head, willing them to come out, she found that she just couldn't speak.
"Eleanor," Jamie's hand rested on her arm. "Can you look at me, lass?"
Eleanor tore her eyes from the pasture to meet his eyes.
He continued, "Ye ken that ye can tell me anything...regardless of the consequences fer me...fer ye, if there is something I need to ken aboot our family, then ye can tell me."
She bit her lip, "I know."
They stood there in heavy silence for a few minutes, staring at each other, willing each other to speak...for Jamie to ask the question, for Eleanor to tell the truth. And yet, neither of them could. Finally, Eleanor let out a long breath and turned again to him, "You can take Sam and Mac of course. But if they get homesick, please send them back to me...I know that is inconvenient, but..."
"No, I ken that is important to ye," Jamie said, nodding. "And I will wait to talk with Mac until we are with him at the Ridge. And of course, I willna beat Sam over his tantrums...at least fer now. A few small smacks here and there will be sufficient- I can be verra persuasive using my hand."
"Sounds good," Eleanor nodded. She put her hand over Jamie's. "I should find John and then pack for the boys."
"Aye, verra gut. Will ye send Lord John this way when ye retrieve our daughter?"
"Of course," she went to turn, but Jamie's hand remained gripped to her arm.
"There is a reason why ye want to provoke me just fer the hell of it...and it isna only because Claire returned and I dinna fight fer ye. We canna never be at peace...truly...with each other, until we face what is underlying...do ye ken my meaning?" He paused.
She took her hand and forcibly removed Jamie's hand from her arm. "I'll send Lord John to you."
"Thank ye, lass."
"No problem," Eleanor forced a smile and began to walk away but Jamie's voice stopped her.
"I miss my friend as weel, mo ghraidh."
Eleanor closed her eyes, unable to hide the look of pain that immediately sprung up. "Oh, Jamie..." Her eyes met his and both were filled with tears. She held his gaze for a few moments before turning again, to walk away.
Jamie leaned against the fence post, his head bent upon it, until John walked up a few minutes later.
"What is it, Jamie?"
"She willna say it."
"She cannot say it," John let out a long breath. "She is so afraid of it...the truth."
"Is she quite certain that it is the truth?" Jamie pressed, "If she was, then...she would have said. The opening was there. She would have said."
John paused, considering, "I cannot betray Eleanor's confidence. I should have never told you that she indicated to me that Hope was yours. As for how she knows or whether it is a mere feeling of hers, then you must ascertain that information from her yourself. She can enlighten you to the particulars of it..."
"Perhaps, I should just say it...that ye let it slip that she was most likely mine long ago."
"Or I can," John said, frowning, "but the truth of the matter is...she needs to be the one to tell you and why she believes it to be the truth. If she cannot trust you again...in your character, and in your very person, then she will always be at odds with you as a parent...and she will fight your every decision for the children."
"Does she truly not argue with ye over the wee uns?"
"Rarely," John said. "And I do discipline them...smacks here and there. Nothing more." He paused, "You and I have a very different temperament, but that does not negate the clear love she still feels towards you...and the respect. Once she says the words, the impacts, they are great. It is a matter for you and I to speculate, but when Eleanor confides in you, it is a time to take action...for decision. Will you be able to walk way from Hope knowing you are the child's father?"
"I did for William."
"But that was different," John said, "There is an inheritance to consider. The only matter that would cause you not to claim Hope as your own...is your loyalty and devotion to Claire. And to be frank, the reason why she hesitates, is that she doesn't trust you to choose Hope over Claire." John paused, "I do not say this to pain you...but the Jamie Fraser I know, would have confronted Eleanor over what I told you in the days and months since...regardless of the consequences to myself for betraying Eleanor's confidence. And yet, you remain silent...just as you remained silent when Claire came back. You are afraid that Claire will leave you if she knows full well that the minute she was considered perished, you took Eleanor back into your arms. Hope is evidence that the love you and Eleanor share cannot be easily diminished."
"No," Jamie shook his head swiftly, "She kens that I love Eleanor."
"In theory, but...if she saw the clear reaction you had to Eleanor and Tryon last night, she would know that the passion betwixt ye and she is still alive, albeit buried deep."
"And yet, you confront it so boldly..." Jamie frowned, "Do ye not care fer yerself?"
John shrugged. "I was always witness to what you and Eleanor shared. There was one time that it perhaps bothered me more on your account than on hers."
"And is that still the case?" Jamie asked, his voice low.
John shook his head, "No, I cannot say it is...but I am content with what Eleanor and I share. I just want to see to her every happiness."
"What will ye do when the war comes?"
"I like, you, will confront that as it comes..." John said, "I will not betray my country for the love I have for Eleanor. But I will not betray that love for my king either. Perhaps, I shall remain neutral."
John snorted, "Men like us canna help but take a side...we live by our convictions...even when we ken what we do."
"Speaking of that," John titled his head, "Eleanor indicated that not all was what it seemed...in your past."
"Oh?" Jamie raised an eyebrow. "What aboot?"
"Your loyalties," John replied, simply, his voice low.
"Ach," Jamie looked at him, sharply. "I am a Scot through and through, John. Ye ken that."
"Yes, I do," John said, evenly, "But that does not mean you chose to be a traitor...and yet you have paid such great a price for it."
"Aye," Jamie said, slowly. "I canna live by regret. Eleanor thinks I have been unjustly treated by this life...and in that beautiful soul of hers, she mourns for it...yet, I canna say that I have not been blessed. I never thought I would have a family...and land to build a legacy. And who can say they have found the kind of love I have...twice in a lifetime? Nah, it does no gut to dwell upon the past."
Lord John nodded, "But looking towards the future... I must ask...and forgive me for my presumptuousness, but do you feel it wise to encourage Mac's relationship with Mr. Fitgibbons, who is essentially an outlaw?"
Jamie raised an eyebrow, "He is also my godfather, John. And a verra gut man. And Eleanor dinna disagree with Murtagh's association, only perhaps his methods. But Murtagh is separating himself from the regulators until the matter with Tryon settles down."
"But for how long?" John pressed. "I know Tryon well, and he will not let this matter go. In a few months, it will rear its ugly head again. You must be prepared for that, Jamie."
"I ken," Jamie let out a long breath, "But I willna deny Mac his godfather. Nor myself. I can put Tryon off for a while."
"Very well then," John said, "Perhaps we should go check on the little ones and let Mac and Sam know of our adjusted plans."
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Let's."
"Are ye regrettin our decision already?" Jamie questioned as Eleanor knelt before her sons, the tears full in her eyes. "Tis only fer a wee bit of time."
"Of course, I'll just miss these sweet boys of ours," Eleanor put her hands on both the boys faces. "Da is right. Tis only for a bit." She straightened, "Claire won't mind, will she?"
"Of course not," Jamie gave Rosie a kiss and handed her to Eleanor and the flung Sam up into his arms. "She misses the children as much as I do. And it will be gut fer the lads to spend time with us."
"I know," she leaned to give Jamie a hug, Mac squished between them and one arm around Sam and the other around Jamie. "Take care of our boys, James Fraser."
"Ye ken I will, mo ghraidh…"
"Why canna Rosie go?" Rosie pouted.
"Because Hope and I cannot bear to be parted from you, darling," Eleanor said. "And you are a bit too little."
"One day, alainn ros," Jamie leaned to give his daughter a kiss. He put Sam down and walked over to where John was holding Hope.
"John," Jamie nodded.
"Jamie," John smiled at him.
Jamie's fingers reached to dance across Hope's red hair. "Goodbye, lass."
"Say goodbye to Mister Fraser, Hope," John instructed his voice low.
Hope waved, "Bye bye."
Jamie's eyes met Eleanor's and she forced a smile. John put the girls in the carriage and Eleanor gave one last long hug to each of her sons.
"Goodbye, James."
"Goodbye, Lady John." He bowed to her, formally.
John hid a smirk and reached to assist Eleanor into the carriage.
He put each of his hands on his stepson's head. "We will miss you both. The house will be far less lively with just William and the little girls. Do mind your manners."
"Yes, sir," Mac nodded as Sam reached to hug his godfather, his grip tight around him.
John closed his eyes, suddenly moved. He opened his eyes and met Jamie's...and at that moment, Jamie understood exactly what his children meant to John.
Hope and Rosie played with their dollies next to Eleanor in the carriage, their baby chatter filling the carriage.
"You are quiet," John said, his voice low. "Do you feel well?"
"I miss the boys," Eleanor said, forcing a smile, her hand alternating between rubbing Rosie's curls and Hope's shorter hair. Tears filled her eyes.
"You did not have to consent to let them go with Jamie," John said. "I must say I was surprised."
Eleanor shrugged. "Jamie is their father. And he had concerns about Sam's adjustment to this all."
John studied her, his scrutiny evident.
"What is it, John?" Eleanor asked, her face flushing.
"Why didn't you tell Jamie, Eleanor?" John said, his voice low. "The opportunity presented itself perfectly."
Eleanor bit her lip. "If everyone knows...if it is really all that obvious...then the fact that Jamie has not questioned the issue again..." she shrugged. "Perhaps he does not care."
"Does not care?" John asked, incredulously, "Do you not see the way he steals glances at her?"
Eleanor met his eyes. "It will not be enough. He will always choose to save his relationship with Claire..."
"Jamie was besides himself last night, over you and Tryon," John said, "I had to intervene- he was about to give you a dressing down, and encourage me to do the same."
"Your point?" Eleanor asked, frowning.
"My point," John said, evenly, "That his affection for you clearly still runs deep. Do you not trust him? You and I both find him to be an honorable man."
Eleanor continued to rub the girls' hair; "Maybe, when I get to the heart of the matter, my hurt still runs deep as well."
John nodded, "Perhaps that is true...but how long will you hold onto that hurt, Eleanor? You and Jamie will never be at peace until this matter is settled...and the harmony betwixt the two of you is paramount to all of our happiness."
She was quiet for a few minutes and John finally broke the silence, "I do not say this to add to your hurt."
"Of course, you don't," Eleanor said, "I fear Jamie was correct about my vices."
John chuckled, "But your vices make you so endearing, my darling."
She laughed, "Very fortunate for me that you think so, dearest John."
"William," Eleanor reached for her stepson. She pulled him into a giant hug. "I should have insisted your Papa take you with us. It was too long to be apart from you. I was worried."
"She was indeed," John winked at his stepson, "Fretted dreadfully that you were taking care and attending to your lessons."
She pulled him away from her, "Now, let me look at you. Goodness, I left you a boy and here you are becoming a man. You have grown." She put her hand on his cheek, "I have missed you so very much."
"While I missed you as well, I cannot say I am not glad to have missed all the travels, and then being stuck in North Carolina for so many weeks," William said, "It must have been dreadful dull."
"No more dull than when your father insists I socialize," Eleanor said, laughing, as John pretended to be offended, "You must tell me everything I have missed!"
"It has been terribly boring without you, Ellie," William said, picking up Hope who was clinging to his leg. "Do you remember me Hope?" He swung her up in the air.
Hope giggled and William reached for Rosie.
"Where is Mac and Sam?"
"They are with Mister Fraser," John cleared his throat. "At Fraser's Ridge. They may return, but if not, we will meet again at the Ridge for Mistress Fraser's wedding."
He nodded, "I look forward to seeing Mr. Fraser again."
Eleanor looked to John, with a tilt of her head, but he shook his head, very discreetly.
"Tell me everything."
John put his hand on her knee. "There will be time for that, my darling. You are exhausted and do not deny it to be the truth."
"I do not deny it," Eleanor gave William a mock disgruntled look, "Your Papa has grown very bossy in our time away, William."
"I think he was always a bit when it came to you, ma'am," William chuckled, "Remember, how he scolds you when you forget your hat?"
"I do," Eleanor gave a wide smile.
John rose and offered his hand, helping her up, "How about we all go riding tomorrow and we shall hear all of William's adventures whilst we were away?"
"Oh God," Eleanor groaned, "You know I do not ride...I mean, I ride some, but not enough to keep up with you both...and not well at all."
John paused, "No, actually..." He paused again, his hand still in hers, "Are you jesting, Ellie?"
"John," Eleanor gave him a look, "How did you not know this? We have been married for months and before that were friends for years."
"I suppose we never had the occasion, you so busy with the children...and..." he fumbled, "I thought...there was a monetary consideration while you always rode with the others...on those occasions we met."
"The monetary consideration that I would break my neck otherwise..." Eleanor grunted. "The English are so hopelessly fond of their horses, and I for one...am not. Remember that awful day with Isaac? William left his horse for me...and I asked if I could ride back with you. You had someone take the horse back."
"Well, yes, I thought you were just distraught over the situation," John commented, incredulously. He turned to William, "Did you know this?"
William nodded, "Yes, sir, Mama told Mac and I ages ago."
"Did she?" John lifted her hand to kiss. "Tomorrow, Lady John. You can ride with me while we reacquaint ourselves with our son."
Eleanor gave William a bright smile, "I look forward to it. Come on ladies," She offered Hope and Rosie each a hand. "Say goodbye to your brother."
"Bye bye," Hope waved to him and Rosie leaned up to give him a shy hug.
Eleanor got both girls to sleep early, exhausted from their travels. Susanna had helped her with her dress and she had put on her nightgown, and attempted to rest herself, but she found herself plagued with the thoughts of the boys- and worries for them. She got out of bed and wandered to the boy's rooms. She pushed open door of the bedroom. She could not deny that her heart was aching. She sat down on Sam's bed. She took his pillow and curled it up in her arms. She did not know how long she sat there, her heart aching. She laid there for so long before the door creaked open again, the floorboards vibrating as John walked across them.
"There you are," John came in, with a candle. "What are you doing in the dark, Ellie?"
Eleanor sobbed, "I want my boys. I shouldn't have let them go. What if something happens and they are away from me?" She heaved.
"Darling," John quickly went over to her, putting the candle on the table, the bed creaking as he sat next to her. He was only in his untucked shirt and breeks...he had partially undressed before realizing Eleanor was not asleep in his room. "Jamie is perfectly capable of taking care of the boys."
She buried her head in her hands and turned away from John, her head in the covers.
John's hand immediately went to rest on her back. "What can I do?"
She shook her head.
John stared at her for a moment and then deftly climbed over her to position himself on the other side of her between the bed and the wall, the two squashed together on Sam's small bed. He pulled her into his arms. "Is this more than just missing the boys?" his voice was low. "Is this about when the children were taken from you?"
"I just want them safe...and when they are so far, I don't know they are," Eleanor said, turning into John's arms. "When the children were taken...God, I hate letting them out of my sight. I just want to protect them and hold onto them forever...because the minute I let go...they can be gone."
John brushed her plastered hair away from her face, "Tell me about that day they were taken. You haven't yet."
"Surely, I have."
"No, you haven't," John said, his voice low. "You have told me, but you haven't really told me...I want to know the particulars...how you were feeling...what you were thinking."
He reached for her hand, bring it to his lips, kissing it. "You must confront your past, Eleanor, to truly heal. Otherwise, every time you part from one of your children, you will panic with the possibilities."
She sniffed hard, "You are endlessly wise, Lord John."
He kissed her hand again, "Will you not rely on me to guide your heart through this separation? You cannot hold onto them with such a tight grip. Jamie was right months ago about that. When Rosie was playing, you got so worried when she was wandering. It frustrates you for her to be so needy, but you cannot keep from worry which pulls her right back to you."
Eleanor wiped her eyes, "God, you are right."
"It's not a criticism, only a concern, my dear."
Eleanor nodded and then looked at him, almost shyly, "I'll tell you."
"Very good," John gently shifted her so she was more securely on the bed, which made her end up half on top of him and half not. "The hell with it," John grunted and then hoisted her onto him so she was lying on top. "Comfortable?"
She laid her head on his chest. "Are you?" As much as they were intimate and becoming comfortable with each other, they never snuggled in this position before.
"Oddly yes," John said. "Begin your story, Lady John."
She thought for a few moments, "Jamie went full into solider mode that day."
"I can only imagine," John said, "He is very protective of you and the children."
"He and Murtagh fought over whether I should stay. It was the one time, Murtagh trumped Jamie's wishes and Jamie relented. He wanted me to stay at Lallybroch. He didn't want to deal with my heartbreak...it was too messy for him. I wasn't strong enough for him...not like Claire...who he takes every where with him."
"Hum," John rubbed her back, his fingers dancing along it. "Is that what you thought?"
"I was so hurt...I was in the deepest despair of my life...my children were torn again from me...for the second time in a lifetime and this time, I did not know if they were dead or alive...and Rosie was such a tiny one...she was still nursing...she was barely rolling over, and Jamie wanted me to stay. And I felt so guilty."
"About what?" John asked, curiously.
"I had yelled terribly at the boys that morning. They were being so rambunctious and I was trying to nurse Rosie and...it was like chaos and I snapped."
John chuckled, "Oh my darling. You have always had your hands so full."
"So Young Ian stepped in...that darling boy that I love. He always knew when his auntie has had enough and he took pity. I took the meal out to Jamie and Murtagh that day while Ian watched the kids and that is what they needed..."
"That was not your fault," John said, firmly. "What would have happened if you were there? You could have been killed."
She sniffed, "I know. But...I came back in and Sam's bear...do you remember the one you sent for him?"
"I do," John said.
"it was ripped to shreds...I cannot tell you the panic I felt. It was like there was a huge weight on my chest and I all I knew is that I had to get to Jamie...that Jamie would know what to do. He didn't believe me at first...thought I was overreacting...that the children were playing a game...until I showed him the picture of the white rose. And then he went full out warrior...We packed quickly so the trail would not run cold, but it did run cold. And that night...it had been hours since I had fed Rosie, my breasts...God...the emotions of being so full and knowing she needed me...it killed me. Murtagh tried...he was so sweet with me and kind that night. But all I wanted was Jamie...to take me and hold me and comfort me...our love created these children and sustained us through so much in the few years were raised them together and I needed him desperately and yet he was out of reach to me as well."
John let out a sigh, "My sweet Eleanor. I can assure you that is what he wanted as well."
She breathed deeply, "When Claire and Murtagh had fallen asleep, I had been woken up and started to wander...it was then when Jamie and I just sat together...and finally he reached for my hand. But the whole trip, he and I were at odds, until...that night we conceived Hope."
Eleanor sighed, " It was the worst period of my life, facing the unknown...and my worry, it plagued me. Needless to say, I don't like to talk about it...to remember."
"Well, I'm glad you did," John said, "especially in regards to Jamie. I think that is important, but I don't think you fully understand his reasoning for not wanting you along."
"What else would it be besides that he thought I couldn't handle things?"
"He was ashamed of not being able to protect your family from the threat that he knew about for years. He had let his guard down. That moment wasn't about you, but it was about him."
"I never thought of it that way," Eleanor said. "I never once blamed him."
John kissed her hand, "But that wouldn't have stopped him for blaming himself. Witnessing the effects of that on your face...it must have been unbearable for him to endure. Easier for you to stay at Lallybroch then to see your struggle day after day and flogging himself over it." He paused, "Eleanor, there are going to be times that will break your heart...I do not wish for those times to come, but they will...this is a difficult time we live in, full of war and death...but we have to live...not in fear of what is to come, but in hope, that we will endure the challenges we might face...and we will endure them, my dear, for you and I are both stronger together than we are apart."
Eleanor sighed, "So, I should stop worrying about the children?"
"Indeed," John rubbed her back, "especially in regard to unfounded worry and concern."
She rested for a bit on his chest before lifting up her head, "I told you some of my heart...will you not tell me some of yours?"
"Hum," John rubbed her back as she laid her head back down, "What do you wish to know?"
"You lost someone dear to you at Culloden...will you not tell me about him?"
"Do you truly wish to know?" John asked, his voice quiet.
"Yes."
"Very well then," he said, softly, "his name was Hector," he began, "and he was my first love."
"Whom do we have here?" Claire asked, giving Jamie a hug and kiss before giving both boys a giant hug. "What are the two of you doing here?"
"Da said we should stay for a while," Sam said, hopping up and down on one foot, his dark hair sticking straight up.
"Did he?" Claire mused, smoothing down Sam's hair, and then looking to Jamie.
"Aye," Jamie tethered his horse. "I dinna think ye would mind."
"Of course I do not mind," Claire said, her arms around the boys again. "It will be good to have you two home again."
"Thank you, Claire," Mac said, his voice shy. Claire squeezed his shoulder, leaning down, "There will be plenty to amuse two little boys at Fraser's Ridge, I'm sure." She straightened and turned to Jamie who came up beside her again, "I'm just shocked Eleanor allowed this." she said, as Jamie put his arm around her waist.
"Aye, I thought it would be gut fer the wee lads to be with their family."
"Did you?" Claire frowned, "What brought that on?"
"I'll tell you later," Jamie mumbled.
"Fergus!" Mac and Sam pushed past Jamie and Claire to go embrace their brother. "Fergus, Da said we can stay at Fraser's Ridge and help build the big house!" Sam said.
"A very fine idea, mi Lord," Fergus swung Sam up.
Roger and Bree stepped out of the house.
"Da!" Bree came to give him a hug and then gathered up her brothers. "And Mac and Sam! So glad you are here."
"Aye, ye wee rascals," Murtagh came out and swung Mac up into his arms, "We need fine men like yourselves to help build the house. They lads will be verra useful indeed, Jamie," he gave his godson a look, "Eleanor allowed this? What did ye have to do to convince the lass? I canna imagine a bribe big enough to coerce her to allow the wee uns from her side."
"I may have mentioned if the lads get homesick, ye'll return them in one piece to her."
Murtagh raised an eyebrow, "To Lord John's?"
"Aye, it will be gut fer ye to get out of North Carolina fer a bit, Murtagh."
Murtagh put Mac down and ruffled his hair, "Aye, maybe so."
"Good Lord," Eleanor was in stitches as John helped her down from the horse as William dismounted as well by the river. The day was warm and they sought comfort in the shade.
"I have never heard so much squealing out of you, Eleanor," John said, unable to hide his smirk as she plopped down rather ungracefully on the bank. Her legs were shaky from the riding. She had clenched all her muscles in fear that she would fall even with John's adept skill in riding. "Did you truly think I would ever let you fall?"
"No," Eleanor said, taking her hat off and tossing it on the ground. "I knew you wouldn't, but still, we were flying..." She laughed, her face flushed.
"Had to so we could keep up with William," John said. "You have become a remarkable rider."
"Thank you," William undid the packages that were tied to his horse and handed them to Eleanor, who began to unwrap them, handing the bread and cheese to each of them.
"Maybe you should put your hat back on, Lady John," John said, dryly.
She shook her head, "It has made me even warmer," she said. "Tell me about all that has happened. What have you done? What have you learned?"
William began filling them in as they ate the bread and cheese. Eleanor tried to raise her hair into a ponytail so it would stop sticking to her neck. Finally, she said, "I'm sticking my feet in the water."
John looked at her, frowning, "Ellie, I do not feel that is at all proper for a lady of your..."
"Oh, don't scold me, Lord John. I don't care if it is not ladylike. It's just you and William and this is dreadfully hot weather. Reminds me of Jamaica...oh, goodness, William, do you remember how we used to hunt for the breeze?" She titled her head as she slipped off her shoes.
William laughed, "I do. When Papa was away, you could always coerce me into your adventures..."
"Because when your Papa is there, he can be quite a spoil sport when it comes to propriety," Eleanor reached out to poke at Lord John and William laughed loudly. Nobody could tease Lord John in the way Eleanor could and he could see from his reaction that his Papa was quite amused by Eleanor's antics.
Eleanor looked to William. "Come on, William. Stick your feet in with me, then it will be two against one and your Papa will sure not be angry at me for it."
"Oh, I see how this is going," John grunted as Eleanor slipped off her stockings, discreetly. She went down to the river's edge and plopped her feet in. "Feels great!" She turned to give John a saucy smirk. "Come on, William! I doubt you will be traumatized by seeing my ankles."
William looked to his father who rolled his eyes, "Whatever Eleanor wishes, William, is clearly what she will get. We shall all be quite undignified together."
"How did you not learn how to ride, Ellie?" William asked as he took off his socks and shoes and went to sit next to her and John came to the other side of her, doing the same.
"I do know how to ride...just not well," Eleanor said, "I'm quite clumsy on a horse. Mr. Fraser can attest to that. He said he could teach anybody, but I was a difficult case..." she paused and then looked to John, who gave a small nod of permission. "He said he taught you...long ago as a boy...and if he could do it for you, a mere child, he could do it for me...of course, I think you were quite more skilled at it, naturally...being English and all. I fear Mr. Fraser met his challenge with me."
William cleared his throat, glancing at John, "Then you knew of that...that Mister Fraser used to be our groom, but his name was MacKenzie- Mac."
"Yes, I knew," Eleanor said. "He liked you a lot William. When did you remember Jamie was Mac?"
"Well," the water splashed as William shifted his feet, "At Fraser's Ridge...he said something to the horse- it had become unsettled and he spoke to it.."
"In Gaelic?"
"Yes."
"That was ages ago," Eleanor said, "you knew this whole time?"
"And the fact that Mac's name is Mac," William said, "It was not hard to put it together."
Eleanor glanced at John, who said, his voice low, "Why did you not say something, William?"
"I did not want to embarrass Ellie, if she didn't know that she married so far beneath her."
The way William said it was clear that he had no doubt that this was to be the case- he saw her as a lady. Eleanor's heart melted at the thought.
"Oh my dearest William, how I love you!" Eleanor reached over to fling her arm around him, "It was your Papa who married so very far beneath him with me. Jamie and I were far better matched, I'm afraid. I hope that doesn't disappoint you."
"But I do not happen to believe that is the truth," John said, "As Eleanor is quite special regardless of her station, is she not, William?"
"Yes, indeed," William said. "Then you are not at all embarrassed that you married a groom?"
Eleanor laughed, "Let me tell you, William, there is only one James Fraser in this world and he can put 99.99% of the men on this earth...gentleman or naught to shame...save for your own Papa, that is...who is in that blessed one hundredth of a percent that can put Jamie Fraser to shame."
"I did not realize you were so good with numbers, my dear," John's tips of his ears turned pink under Eleanor's clear praise.
"She is very good with numbers, Papa," William said, "She can balance accounts and everything."
"Can she now?" He cleared his throat, "I'm not at all surprised, your deftness at chess is testament to your intellect."
"Not at all suitable for the wife of Lord John Grey," Eleanor said, dramatically with a wink at William.
"Entirely suitable," John retorted, "It would not have done for me to have a twit for a wife."
"Glad for that," Eleanor chuckled, "but you see, William, I fear that your poor Papa was the one you should have been worried about."
"Clearly," John said, dryly, "for your stepmama is quite the handful, is she not?"
William laughed, delighted. "I do not think I want to answer, Papa."
"Good boy," Eleanor reached and patted his knee. "As for Mr. Fraser, we are certainly not embarrassed by the association."
"No, indeed, we are not," John said, "And Mr. Fraser was a gentleman, what was his title, Eleanor?"
"Lord Broch Tuarach," Eleanor said, softly and both William and John could tell that her heart was shattered over his fate, "although in Scotland they would say that Jamie was Laird of Lallybroch."
"What happened?" William asked.
"He signed over the deed to Lallybroch to his nephew," Eleanor said and John reached over to squeeze her hand once, comfortingly.
"Why would he do that?" Willie pressed.
"He fought for Charles Stuart at Culloden," John said, his voice low.
"So he was a traitor," William's mouth dropped open, "That's even worse than a groom!"
"No, dear William," Eleanor said, adamantly, "The English Crown was so oppressive towards the Scots and the English army was entirely cruel and unjust in the highlands."
"Eleanor," John admonished, "Please use discretion."
"I'm not going to have Jamie branded as a traitor, John," Eleanor retorted.
"Sweetheart, he was a traitor...anybody who fought for Charles Stuart was," John said, patiently. "Surely, you cannot quarrel with the choice of William's word."
"I suppose," Eleanor said, "technically, that would be the correct usage of the word."
"What did they do that was so oppressive?" William asked and Eleanor looked to John, who nodded slowly.
"Taxes and some in the English army used their power to do cruel and unjust things to the highlanders, matters that if I spoke the particulars of to you, your father would have my hide."
"But after Culloden," William said, his brow creasing, "shouldn't there be a price to rebellion? Wasn't that the choice when the men fought?"
"I think so," John said, with a glance at his wife, "But your stepmama clearly disagrees."
"Sufficed to say, maybe we can all agree upon in the case of the Rising of 45...that there were good and bad men on both side of the field, wouldn't you agree, Lord John?"
"I defer to your point on the matter, Lady John," John said, smoothly.
"Truly, Papa?" William asked.
"Especially in regards to Mister Fraser," John added.
"And he thought his wife was dead?" William asked.
"Yes," Eleanor said, "I met him not long after he left Helwater. He saved my life that night and I'm so grateful to him...groom or not. He is a good man, an honorable man...even if he did not quite succeed in making me a adept horsewoman." She winked at him and they all had a chuckle. Eleanor reached out to touch William's arm, "The truth of the matter is...if you ever have any concerns or questions...about anything...I hope that you will be able to come to either your Papa or myself. We love you, William...and we are so proud of the man you are becoming...so if there is anything... in the future...that you need to settle with us, we are here. We may not always agree on everything, but we are a family."
John glanced at her sharply, but Eleanor's eyes were fixed on William.
"Yes, ma'am," William said, "I understand."
Eleanor splashed her legs in the river as she watched William ride away. "It's just you and I, Lord John." She said as she braided her hair and tied it with the ribbon that had fallen out.
"Will you not wear your hat?" John asked, exasperated. "You are becoming pink. If you are sunburnt tonight, I will be quite put out."
Eleanor looked mischievous."Is that so? Will you spank me?"
John raised an eyebrow, "I might be tempted."
"Is that so?" Eleanor raised an eyebrow back at him. She reached down in the water to splash him.
"Great God in heaven, you did not just do that," John said, "I'm wet."
"Clearly, Sherlock," Eleanor said.
"Who was Sherlock?" John asked, flicking his hand in the water to retaliate.
"A detective..." Eleanor giggled, "Do you know how to swim?"
"I do," John said, "Do you?"
"Of course," Eleanor said, "grew up near water...will you come swimming with me? I want to cool off further."
"Oh, good Lord," John snorted. "When Mac and Sam are not here, you certainty use the opportunity to cause mischief yourself, do you not?"
Eleanor giggled, "Please?"
He stood and offered his hand, "Well, come on then."
They stripped down and Eleanor remained in her shift, but he shook his head swiftly, "Oh, no, if you are going to be trouble, then you shall be trouble." He eyed her shift, "Take it off."
"So demanding," Eleanor said, taking it off and tossing it in his direction when he picked her up and hoisted her into the water.
"Oh God, it's cold!" she squealed as John jumped in next to her. She treaded water as he dunked his head and came back up.
"Go under and come back up. You'll be warmer."
Eleanor nodded and did his bidding. She nodded and then floated on her back. "I missed this. I didn't realize how much."
"Did you swim in the river during your time?"
"Um, not usually the river," Eleanor said. "Pollution and all."
He reached to put a hand under her back as she began to sink. "Did you and Jamie swim together?"
She paused, "It's cold in Scotland."
"But you did, did you not?"
"Yes, on a few occasions..."
"Did Jamie allow you your shift?"
Eleanor sat up to hold onto John's shoulders. "Do you know your friend at all?"
He chuckled.
"Agh, Damn it, it's frigid!" Eleanor squealed. "I'm going to get frostbite."
"Nah, tis the middle of summer and it has been warm fer several days, has it not, me wee besom?"
"It has," she grumped, "Unusually so. But you could have at least let me wear my shift, anybody can come across and see."
"Then they will see a husband and wife, quite taken with each other," Jamie said as he plopped her on his hips. "And make no mistake, I am quite taken with ye."
She wiggled out of his grasp, "Then you shall have to catch me." She swam away from him, quickly, but he was deft and caught up with her in no time.
"You are like a fish to water."
"Eek, there are fish in this water." Eleanor said, as a some swam past them. "They don't bite do they?"
"Maybe nip a wee bit," Jamie said, "Nothing to be afraid of...won't bite yer limbs off."
Eleanor waded in the water. "This is actually fun."
"Glad you are amused. Did you bring the soap?" Jamie raised an eyebrow, "I thought we said the purpose would be for a quick wash."
"You said the purpose would be for a quick wash for you...who was quite smelly from the time in the fields. I do not know why I am here."
"I was thinking of ye, my love, so ye wouldna have to spend all that time preparing a bath..."
She poked at him, "Because certainty, I would not have let you in our bed smelling the way you do at the moment." She grinned. "I left the soap on the bank."
Jamie gave her a look and then got out, ran quickly across the bank to retrieve the soap and dived back under. He got up and made a guttural noise, shuddering.
"Good Lord," she giggled, "You are a like a horse."
Jamie's look was pure mischief as he neighed, "Ye do ken that ye have become much more adept at riding."
"I do hope you are talking about the horse and not metaphorically," She said, kicking his leg hard.
Jamie swooped her up in his arms, "Aye, mo ghraidh, I never thought ye were wanting in that area, but I canna deny that sometimes ye are distracted by being a mama."
She kissed his cheek, "That's fair. You seem to get what you want when you want it anyways, James."
"Aye, that is verra true. Ye never leave me wanting, mo ghraidh. It's just I feel that I leave you wanting at times. An obligation to lay back...and what do you call it?"
"Think of England."
"What a dreadful thought that you would be thinking of while I am trying to make love to ye," Jamie admonished.
Eleanor giggled. "I have heard England is very pretty."
"Aye, it is, in some areas," Jamie acknowledged. He took her hand and then handed her the soap. "You want me clean, then you get me clean."
Eleanor sighed, dramatically, "I suppose if I must do my duty by you..."
Jamie threw back his head and laughed. "I do love ye somethin fierce, Eleanor Fraser."
"Glad you do," she said, "because the feeling is quite mutual..." She began to soap him up, "By the way, Jamie, I do not want to feel that way in those times when I am distracted by waking up Mac or just exhausted...I do not want to feel frumpy..."
"I ken that," Jamie dunked under the water.
"Hey, can you do me a favor?" Eleanor asked, her voice almost shy. "I have an idea."
"What is that, mo ghraidh?" Jamie asked, his brow creasing at her sudden shyness.
"Teach me to use your razor."
Jamie looked horrified, "What fer?"
"I want to shave my legs and my underarms," Eleanor said.
"Oh Good Lord," Jamie snorted, "Fer what purpose?"
"Because in my time," Eleanor said, "that was the norm. And if you want me to feel sexy..."
"Sexy...?" Jamie asked, amused.
"Desirable..." Eleanor clarified, "then that may help," she said, honestly.
Jamie raised a skeptical eyebrow, "How can shaving your oxters and legs make ye feel more like my wife? Ye canna be serious."
"But I am," Eleanor wrapped her legs around him, "Please, Jamie? You brought your razor and mirror."
"Aye, for me, not fer ye," he popped at her arse.
Eleanor pulled him tighter against her, kissing him as she did. She pulled away, "Please, my love?"
"Ach," Jamie grunted and then lifted her out of the water to lay her on the cloth they brought by the bank. "Verra weel. But ye owe me, me wee besom. And I willna teach ye fer I dinna trust ye not to knick that glorious skin of yers. But when ye feel so inclined, I will perform this service fer ye."
"You are so gallant and generous, Mister Fraser," Eleanor said, giggling.
"Aye, I ken, Mistress Fraser," Jamie pushed her back, "Ye are not put out that I willna teach ye...that I dinna trust ye with the razor?"
Eleanor laughed, "No, I don't quite trust me either. You are being exceedingly practical."
"Now," Jamie kissed her, passionately, "Ye must remain verra still, mo ghraidh. Ye canna wiggle aboot like ye usually are prone to when I touch ye." He grabbed her wrap to toss it over her as she was shivering.
"Got it," Eleanor said. "I can stay still. I can resist your charms, Jamie Fraser."
"Oh, can ye?" Jamie said. "We shall see."
It was a painstaking slow process and when he was finished, he lifted her and dumped her back in the water and then took the soap and cleaned her before lifting her out and carrying her back to the blanket. He grinned at her, "Now, I will see the fruits of my labor," He twined his legs in hers. "Ah, verra smooth, indeed." He grinned at her, "Even the dip in the frigid waters cannot cool either of our passion...isn't that so, my love?"
Eleanor couldn't deny it- she felt more alive than she had in ages.
"Say it," Jamie said. "Say that ye want me...as much as I want...and desire ye...fer I do. I want ye so much that my heart will burst if I dinna have ye."
She squirmed, "I want you, James."
"Verra gut," Jamie nodded, "Now, tell me how. Slow and sweet...or..." the look Jamie gave her nearly melted her to pieces, "do ye wish me to ride ye hard?"
Eleanor blushed, "However you want..."
He lifted her up in his arms so he could smack her hard, "No, I willna abide by that," he plopped back down with her, stretching on top of her, "Ye will tell me...fer I am but yer servant this afternoon."
She twisted one of his curls around her finger. "Don't relent."
"Ah," Jamie grinned, widely, "I ken ye like it as much as I when ye set yer mind to it. Dinna fash, mo ghraidh, I willna relent, even if ye beg me to and beg ye will."
"Oh, good Lord," Eleanor's eyes widened. "I'm in for it."
He nipped at her neck, "Aye, ye are, love of mine..."
"Why are you blushing?" John asked, his eyes on her.
Eleanor started to laugh, "It's going to horrify you, darling."
"Oh dear," John looked, heavenward, "I know that you and Jamie in water probably led to a passionate interlude. You two were quite obnoxious in your affection towards on another."
"Yes, but that's not why I'm blushing," Eleanor said, coyly.
"Now you must tell me," John said as he put her hands on her waist. "Or lest my imaginations will get the better of me."
"Very well, but you must promise not to judge."
"I wouldn't dare," John assured her.
"In my time, women would shave their underarms and legs."
"I see," John said, carefully, "for what purpose?"
"Well, we were less covered up then, so legs and underarms could be showing at any time, especially in weather such as this."
"Ah," John said, "That seems reasonable then."
"Yes, and after Mac, I had a hard time balancing being a passionate wife and Mac's Mama...so I asked Jamie to shave me so I would feel more desirable."
John stilled, shocked and then threw back his head and laughed, "Oh, great God in heaven, he did, did he not?"
"Yes," Eleanor blushed further. "He did."
He laughed more, now in stitches, "How can you even doubt that he was so besotted with you, dear?" He laughed more, "Jamie Fraser, Red Jamie...Highland Warrior...shaving his wife...Good Lord, what a picture!"
She smacked at him, "I'm glad you are so amused."
"I am terribly diverted, I cannot deny that fact," John said, grinning, from ear to ear. "Only you, sweet Eleanor."
His look shifted and Eleanor sensed a change in him. He put his hands under her bottom and hoisted her onto his hips, "I'm not only amused, dearest. We can make our own memories upon the river bank, if you'd like," he whispered to her, conspiratorially.
"No," Eleanor shook her head, "I don't think so, Lord John." Her voice was adamant. "I do not think that is wise."
"Why ever not?" John asked, confused by Eleanor's adamant refusal...she never refused him, and so passionately.
"You just said it painted a picture for you...and if you are aroused, it is because of Jamie...not of me...so God, just no!"
John looked horrified, "It's not for Jamie, Eleanor! For the love of God, woman, how many times do I have to convince you?"
"I think at the moment, you might be trying to convince yourself..." Eleanor said and then swam away from him. He easily caught up with her, grabbing her by the waist and pulling her up.
"You will listen to me," John said, his voice very low. "For the sake of what we both hold dear, you must heed what I am telling you now."
"What is it?" Eleanor asked, impatiently.
"I was picturing you as well," John said, "I find you to be the most alluring woman that I have ever known, Eleanor. As a companion and as a lover and maybe I don't understand how that is possible or why I feel what I do when I look at you, nevertheless, I do feel..."
"But not as much if I were a man," Eleanor retorted.
"You cannot ask me to quantify it, Eleanor, and certainly not compare it," John responded, his manner stern, "because regardless of my feelings and my amount of desire towards you, you cannot ask me to be James Fraser for you...which is the problem that has always been betwixt us."
"I would never want you to be Jamie!" Eleanor said, just as passionately, "I would never want to change you, Lord John. Why would I ever want to? I meant what I told William. But as my heart learns to rely on you more, which has been, I am so afraid...I'm afraid that you will think I am not enough...just like Jamie always thought I was not enough."
"But he didn't!" John gripped her hard, "You thought you were not enough...and that is what ruined your marriage to him, so I beg of you...Eleanor, do not...do not do the same for us."
Eleanor stared at him, shocked and then her face crumpled. "You think it was my fault."
John paused, his grip loosening. "No, dearest, I did not mean it in that way. Jamie should have fought for you."
"Would you?"
He didn't miss a beat, "Yes. If you continue to push me away like you are now, whatever is compelling you at the moment to do so, I will fight for you, Eleanor."
She stared at him through her tears, "And would you win?"
"I always win, dearest Lady John," Lord John said and then grabbed her and pulled her up into his arms. "Kiss me."
"No," she said. "I do not wish to. Not like this."
"You took that moment and saw what you wanted to see," John said, frankly, "You've been goading at me all day and I cannot fathom why. The only possibility I see is that last night, you confided in me and I confided in you and we got even closer...our hearts became even further entwined and now you are scared to feel that closeness with any man but James Fraser." He paused, "Or you are ashamed of what I told you of my past. That it is one thing to know that I am the way I am, but another thing to be confronted by it."
"That's not true," Eleanor said, softly, "I love who you are. I love you."
"Then for the love of God and all that is holy, kiss me woman."
"Why?" she demanded.
"Must you always question my bidding?" John asked, exasperated.
"Yes," Eleanor said, bluntly. "Why?"
"For I love you too," John said, equally blunt, "Now will you kiss me or not?"
She paused, "Do not say things that you do not mean."
"For fuck's sake," John grabbed her and kissed her himself.
She pulled herself away, "I have never heard you say that curse word before."
"I can assure you that you bring it out of me," John said, his eyes heated. "Do not presume to question the honor of my word, Eleanor Grey."
She stared at him for a moment and then the tears flowed over her eyes, "I'm sorry," She leaned up from where she was crouched in the water to kiss him again. "Forgive me. Please."
"Always, but there will be a price to pay to ensure that you do trust me," He swung her back up into his arms and carried her sloshing through the water to the bank, "I'm going to get you muddy. Tis not the best spot along the bank," he warned. "Do you have an objection?"
"And if I did?" Eleanor asked and in response, he plopped her in the mud. She laughed. "And Jamie thinks I push you around," she said, wryly.
John nuzzled her neck, "He likes to think he is the only man that can get under your skin...but that isn't true, is it, my darling Eleanor?"
"No, it is not," Eleanor look back up at him as her back squished in the mud, "this is highly improper for the dignified Lord John."
"I'm a solider, rolling around in mud and dirt, do not bother me," John said. "But I know how you feel about the outdoors..."
She laughed, "I'm grown far more accustomed to the delights that nature can provide...when you are with your lover."
"Then you do not object, Lady John?"
"No, I do not…. on one condition."
"And what is that?" John asked.
"You give me a bath when we get home..."
John's eyes twinkled, "Did you like it when I did that?"
"Well, I didn't like what came before...but I did like it," Eleanor admitted.
"The truth comes out," John said, wryly and he leaned down to kiss her, passionately.
"How do you feel?" John said, his arm around her as they sat, leaned up against a tree. "Have you caught your breath yet?"
"Almost," Eleanor said, her eyes widening. "Where did that come from?"
"Clearly we bring the unexpected out of one another..." John said, his mouth twitching in amusement, "You were quite loud about it. It was most fortunate we were not in our home."
"Lord John Grey," Eleanor poked at him, "you are embarrassing me."
"Embarrassing you?" John scoffed, "Surely not. I think I was complimenting you...or perhaps myself."
Eleanor's laughter filled the air as she dropped his head on his shoulder. "I would have never done such a thing in my time."
"Done what?" John asked.
"Swam naked and then made love on the banks. Never in a million years..."
"I see," John twisted a tendril of her hair. "But do you like it, my dear?"
"I do..." she said, softly. "Do you?"
"I do," John said, "There is a time for propriety...and a time for freedom...and I am glad that we can be free with each other."
She nodded, "I am as well. But we should get home to the girls."
"Ah, I'm sure they are well taken care of," John said, patting her head with his hand, and she lifted her head again. He turned her face gently towards him and kissed her softly. "Come, you are right. Our absence will become conspicuous soon. We need to swim back. I'll help you get some of the dirt off your backside." He stood and offered his hand, pulling her up.
"And how will you do that?" Eleanor asked and then yelped as he began swatting it off of her.
"Your face is red," John said, dryly. "I do think you should have worn your hat." He said as he kept swatting her, "If only you weren't so damn stubborn about it."
She giggled and then winced at his endeavors and then giggled more, "But you love me anyway."
"Heaven help me," He grinned at her, "I do indeed."
A/N2: progress for Eleanor and Lord John? And what do you think of Jamie/Ellie flashbacks?! Continue with them?