A/N: Thank you again for all the lovely reviews! Hope's reveal is still coming close...but...this chapter got away from me. A little calm before the storm...and after Sunday night's outlander, I needed it. It's going to be a long Droughtlander! This story is based on the tv show, so seeing it helps for inspiration!
I hope you enjoy this chapter and everyone is staying well! I would love to know your thoughts...
Chapter 35:
Eleanor's smile was wide as the children raced into their Da's waiting arms. Jamie made a guttural noise as he gave the boys giant bear hugs, before gently scooping Rosie up and holding her.
"How's my alainn ros?" Jamie asked his daughter.
"Gut," Rosie giving him a sweet peck on his cheek, her hands on his face, rubbing his prickly beard. Jamie spoke soft words of gaelic to her as she buried her head in his neck, "I missed you so much, Da!"
Eleanor held Hope, who was also burying her head in her neck, becoming very shy, as John's hand was light on his wife's back, gently and smoothly guiding her into the room.
"Ellie," Claire came over to give her a hug, "You look tired," She reached out and rubbed Hope's back, "How's this sweet one?"
"Tired and cranky apparently," Eleanor gave Claire an exasperated look, only a mother would understand and appreciate.
"Was your journey difficult, lass?" Jamie asked, glancing over at them as the boys clung to his legs and Rosie to his neck.
"Not unusually so," Eleanor said, "though of course five children can be trying on such a journey. Poor Lord John had to endure much."
"I think both of us had to endure much," John chuckled and raised his eyebrows at the children.
"Is that so?" Jamie poked at his lads.
"Do not count me in that, Mama," William gave her a side eye, much like her father's. Jamie immediately looked up, his eyes darted from his littlest lads to his eldest son...the one he could not claim. William had grown- he was more of a man than a boy...and the easiness and clear fondness in which he spoke to Eleanor, while surprising him, Jamie could not deny it did his heart good to see. He looked to Eleanor with small smile that he couldn't hide.
Eleanor smiled back at him, at his approval that he could not voice. She could tell he was surprised by William addressing her as Mama, but pleased. A blessing that came out of her marriage with John is they could raise their children as siblings, when they very much were all siblings, even if William could never know that.
"I do apologize, Master William," she said formally as her smile traveled to him, "I would never mean to insult your lordship."
John managed to hide his snicker at his wife's sarcastic wit, but retorted, dryly, "Do take care, Lady John. Our son outranks us."
They all had a laugh and Claire guided her into the room. "Come and sit, Ellie. You look like you are about to fall over."
"Bree! Roger! Jem!" Mac and Sam ran to greet their older sister, soon to be brother in law and nephew.
Bree leaned down, balancing Jem to give her brothers a big hug. "We miss you all so much!"
"Aye, Fraser's Ridge is too quiet without ye rascals," Roger said, hugging them as well, and then tossed Sam over his arm.
Eleanor shifted, her back aching, "Hope, I'm going to put you down now."
"No!" Hope grunted.
She shifted her again. "Good Lord, Hope. Come now. It is just Fraser's Ridge. We have been here before. Do you not remember?"
"Darling, we haven't been here since she was a baby," John pointed out. "We were at River Run."
"Oh, you're right. Time does fly, doesn't it?" Eleanor acknowledged, "Still, Hope, you know all the people here, so I'm going to put you down now. You can stay next to me or Papa, but my back is aching."
"NO!" Hope screamed as she shook her head and then reached her arm back for John. "Papa. Hol me."
She looked to John, who said calmly, "I'll only take you if you say sorry to mama for yelling at her."
"sorwry, mama," Hope pouted and stuck her thumb in her mouth. "Papa. I wanna you."
"Come to me, my dear," John said, taking her in his arms. "Stop pouting," he told her, his voice firm, but not unkind, "It is most unbecoming of a little lady."
"She is awfully verbal for her age, don't you think?" Bree said, as she went over and rubbed Hope's back, still in John's arms.
"She is that," John said, "we think it is because she is around such liveliness."
"I'm sure. Hi, Hope, do you remember me?" Brianna asked.
Hope nodded, shyly, her thumb in her mouth.
John pointed to Jem. "Look Hope, it's Jem."
"Baby?"
Brianna shifted Jem so he could smile and coo at Hope and John.
"Aye, the Frasers have no a problem with talkin," Jamie said, watching the interaction between the youngest children.
"That's for sure," Eleanor rubbed her sore back and made her way over to Jamie, "Hi Jamie," she smiled at him as she patted Rosie's back. "You missed Da, didn't you, sweetheart?"
"I missed him ever so much."
"I know you did, darling," Ellie said.
"As I missed ye, my wee un," Jamie leaned down to kiss Eleanor on the cheek, "Welcome back to Fraser's Ridge, my Lady." He was teasing her.
Eleanor rolled her eyes, "Do not call me that, James."
"My apologizes I would not want to insult yer ladyship," he bowed to her slightly.
William snorted from where he was enjoying the cookie Claire had handed him.
Eleanor laughed. "How are you, Jamie?"
"We are well. Thriving as ye can see."
"I can," Eleanor patted Rosie's back again. "It's good to see you. And this house is beautiful. I mean absolutely stunning. I cannot believe you built it yourself."
"Aye," Jamie nodded. "I'm glad it meets yer approval."
"I cannot wait to show you my surgery, Eleanor," Claire said. "Jamie set it up just the way I need it to see patients."
"I'd love to see it."
"And the rooms for the wee ones. I couldna abide not having rooms set aside even if it seemed frivolous at the time. We are still working on building more upstairs."
"Eleanor is right, Jamie. You did a remarkable job," John said, coming forward.
She stepped aside and Jamie stepped forward to greet John, shifting Rosie, his hand extended. John shook it, shifting Hope to do so.
"Da," Sam tugged on Jamie's coat, "May we not go exploring?"
"Da, can we go hunting?" Mac asked.
"Or fishing, Da?" Sam tugged further.
"Boys, give your father some space," Eleanor chided. "We just got here a few minutes ago."
"I had already planned an adventure if ye lads were not too weary," Jamie said. "And if yer mama gives permission. It is verra gut that ye came early so we could have time before Bree and Roger's nuptials."
"Mama, please?!"
"Of course, loves. That is why you are here. To have lots of adventures with your Da...along with your sister's wedding, of course. I would not ever stand in your way." She went over to greet Brianna with a hug and to give Jem a kiss on the top of his head.
"Can Papa come too?" Mac asked. "We cannot leave him out."
Jamie stilled, unable to hide his shock.
A undeniably thick silence filled the room. .
"Jamie," Eleanor whispered and Bree reached out to touch her arm, lightly.
Mac looked hesitant for a moment, looking between his parents and his stepfather. He didn't know if he did something wrong. Mama said Da would not mind.
Claire, seeing Mac's uncertainty and the adults in the room seemingly paralyzed with how to respond, came to stand next to Mac. She put a hand on each shoulder and gave Jamie a pointed look, "I'm sure your Da has planned for Lord John to come, Mac."
Jamie looked at Claire briefly and then turned his head and met Eleanor's eyes. Eleanor chewed on her lip and shrugged her shoulders.
Jamie let out a long breath, "Of course, it wouldn't be a proper adventure without Lord John."
"And William," Sam said, "Right, Da?"
"And William," Jamie nodded. "I had already planned for William."
"And Rosie?" Rosie lifted her head to look at Jamie. "I wanna go too, Da."
"No, my leannan."
"You can come and stay with me," Bree said, giving Jem to Roger and holding out her arms. "I have something to show you that we made for you. We'll have girl time together, won't that be fun?"
Rosie's eyes lit up and Jamie gave her to Brianna.
"Eleanor, lass, may I speak to ye fer a moment?" Jamie asked, casually, ruffling Sam and Mac's hair as he sideswept them.
"I'm sure that can wait, Jamie," Claire said, titling her head, "Eleanor looks very weary."
"Indeed," John retorted. "The children were arguing almost the entire way today."
"Were they now?" Jamie asked, frowning at his children.
"Sam pokes me," Mac whined.
"Rosie cries all the time!" Sam retorted from Roger's side.
"No, I dinnae!" Rosie began to pout.
Jamie frowned at them, "That's enough, my wee uns." His voice was firm and commanding and the children stopped immediately.
Eleanor forced a smile, "They are all certain that they are in the right in every argument. I'm not sure where they could have ever gotten that from..." She couldn't help but poke at Jamie, for she was sure the reason why he wanted to talk to her.
"I'd say their mother is awfully certain she is in the right at all times as well," Jamie said, titled his head, challenging her.
"Not as a rule," Eleanor said, tilting her head back at him, "Well...perhaps between you and I that may be true, but certainty not in general."
Roger looked at Bree, shocked at Eleanor who could so cavalierly take Jamie Fraser to task. She grinned at him.
John couldn't help but laugh, "Eleanor, my dear," he admonished lightly, shaking his head at her. "though she does have a point there, Jamie."
"Aye," Jamie conceded, begrudgingly, "I dinnae deny it."
"Yet," John continued, trying to ease the tension. "I do say, Lady John, you are very strong in your convictions which can be a virtue and a vice. But I dare say I do not think we would want you to be any less so. Wouldn't you agree, Jamie?"
"Aye. No, Lady John," Jamie gave her a small smile, the tension easing, "I dinnae think I would prefer ye to be less so."
"You know," Eleanor let out a breath, "I did want to go say hello to Fergus and Marsali before I rest. Will you show me the way, Jamie?"
"I'd be happy to," Jamie said. "If the others dinnae mind watching the wee uns fer us."
"You all go ahead," Claire said, "We'd be happy to...if you feel sure you are up to it, Eleanor."
She nodded, "I think a little fresh air...and separation from the chaos, might do just as much to rejuvenate me as sleeping."
Claire laughed, "I suspect so."
Claire reached for Sam and Mac, "Come, boys, you can help me outside. William, do you mind helping as well?"
"No, ma'am," William said.
Roger turned to Bree when the room cleared, "I never thought Jamie would allow any un to poke his buttons like Eleanor does."
Bree smiled, "There is a lot of history there," she said.
"Indeed," John said, putting Hope down and shooing her off to play with Rosie. The girls sat down on the floor with their dolls.
"Is it always so tense between the two of them?" Roger asked, frowning.
"Not always," John said.
"Do you think Eleanor will be alright with Da?" Bree frowned, "He looked upset."
"I think Ellie can hold her own with yer Da," Roger said, wryly, while rocking Jemmy.
"Yes, she can," John said, nodding. "Don't worry about Ellie."
"Ye do look weary, Lady John," Jamie said, quietly as they walked. "Are ye feeling well?"
"I think I am feeling my age these days," Eleanor admitted, twisting the end of her braid.
He gave her a small smile, "Forty is approaching ye, lass."
Eleanor cringed, "Please don't say that."
"Dinnae fash," Jamie laughed, "Nah, ye are still a young un."
"Jamie?" Eleanor stopped suddenly and turned to him, "Can I ask you a question- just between you and I?"
"Is this to take my mind of what I wanted to talk to ye aboot?" Jamie asked, frowning at Eleanor's sudden shift.
"No, but it has been on my mind of late. I mean...I know that is not proper to discuss it with you, but I need a man's perspective and from someone who I trust."
"It's never going to be entirely proper between ye and I, so I think we can put the pretense of being so aside," Jamie said, "What is botherin ye, mo ghraidh?"
"For a man, in this time..." Eleanor swallowed hard, hesitating.
"Go on," Jamie prompted.
"Is it important to have a child...like one that they are biologically the father of?"
Jamie eyed her, "Did Lord John say somethin aboot ye not gettin with child?"
"No," Eleanor said, "But he would never hurt my feelings by saying something about it."
Jamie considered her, "For some men, tis verra important. Fer John's family perhaps..."
"You know John well...I mean you two are close...how do you think he feels about it?"
"I canna say fer certain and I willna speculate, because if I am wrong, tis not fair to John...to put words in his mouth fer him aboot somethin so important. Do ye ken what I mean?" Jamie reached out to touch her arm, soothingly to show her that he wasn't dismissing her. "Have you asked him?"
"No," Eleanor said, blushing, "and when Brianna was having Jem, both her and Auntie seemed surprised we haven't talked about it."
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "it seems like somethin that should be discussed." He paused and then patted her arm, "If it was between ye and I, I would want ye to come to me so we could talk aboot it together. But I would caution ye not to assume that John feels one way or another just because he is from this time and not yours..."
"John always warns me about me making assumptions in regards to him...I have a hard time not."
"Aye," Jamie gave her the side eye, "Ye always assume ye ken rightly."
She rolled her eyes. "Whatever, James."
"For shame, Lady John," Jamie chided, shaking his head, in mock disbelief, "Dinnae let yer husband hear ye use such language."
She reached out to poke at his arm, "You should be used to it, Jamie Fraser."
He threw back his head, "Aye, I suppose I am...verra used to it." He smacked away her hand, "And no pokin, ye are worse than our wee uns."
Eleanor sobered immediately at the mention of the children, "I suppose we must talk about what happened," she sighed, resigned, "Best get it over with."
Jamie clasped his hands in front of him, "Aye, I suppose we must."
She bit her lip, "I'm sorry I did not warn you about the children. I should have written it in a letter or something. I just didn't know how..."
Jamie sat down on a fallen log and patted the seat next to him, "Did ye encourage it?"
"I swear to you, I did not," Eleanor said, as she sat next to him, "I would not. Rosie started and the boys followed. I mean, they asked and I told them they should do what they felt right, but I would never tell them to do so. They adore John and he is a father figure to them, but he is not their father. You are. They love you...and you are irreplaceable in their eyes. Please don't be angry about it."
"I am not angry aboot it," Jamie said, "just regretful..."
"Of what?" Eleanor asked, softly.
"That I canna see their faces every day. I missed so much with Brianna...and of course with Willie...and I thought with our wee uns...weel, I thought it would be different."
Eleanor nodded, "I wanted that so badly for you, Jamie."
"I ken ye did," Jamie reached out to grip her fingers lightly, "Tis not yer fault."
Eleanor let out a long breath, "You are a much better person than I, James Fraser."
"Why is that?" Jamie asked, looking at her intently.
"I nearly had a conniption when Sam asked if he should call Claire, mama. Of course I had to hide it."
"What in Christ's name is a conniption?" Jamie asked.
"It's when you go off the handle about something..." Eleanor paused, "Is that phrase..."
"No, but I ken yer meaning..." he paused.
"Lord John talked me down," Eleanor said.
"Aye, he is gut like that fer ye, lass." Jamie said, "I was never so..."
She paused and then looked him in the eye, "You were always good at that. You still are, Jamie. We argued a lot, but honestly I think we are remembering worse than it actually was...because of how it feels now between us."
"And how is that?"
"Broken."
Jamie paused for a moment before responding, "Aye, maybe so."
"I could spy," Eleanor said, her voice quiet as Roger, Jamie, Murtagh, and John discussed the current events with the ladies and Roger offering their remembrance to this period in history. The children were asleep in the other room. She paused as shocked faces turned towards her, "I mean...eventually...being John's wife, puts me in an ideal position...right?"
"Aye," Murtagh nodded slowly, "Ye have already told me some of the dealings with Tryon which have proved useful insight to ken what he is thinkin."
"Have you indeed, Eleanor?" John's voice was low.
Suddenly, things became tense again. It had been teetering all night between Murtagh and John and their different philosophies, but now Eleanor knew it was going to boil over... She looked at Jamie for help when she saw John's back straighten and his jaw twitch, a sure sign she was about to get a swift and hasty rebuke. Jamie's head shook ever so slightly, his own rebuke coming to her quietly. She had crossed a line in that moment.
"I didn't think it to be a big deal," She shifted Hope in her arms. Hope had a difficult time falling asleep at Fraser's Ridge and she had stayed up once her siblings were asleep, finally falling asleep in her mama's arms by the warmth of the fire and the gentle rock of the rocking chair that Jamie had made.
"The lass meant no harm by doing so," Murtagh offered, with the disgruntled look that Jamie was giving him.
"I'm certain she did not," John turned his head, swiftly towards her, "No, Eleanor, you most certainly cannot spy," his voice was harsh. "Whatever would possess you to say such a foolish thing?"
"But John, the colonists have to win...it is history and perhaps, I have to do my part. Being your wife, puts me in the perfect position."
"To go to the gallows for treason?" John narrowed his eyes, "because that is where you would certainly end up and take me with you."
Eleanor looked horrified and Jamie quickly intervened, eager to shield Eleanor from having the time to picture that fate in her mind. "That willna be yer fate, Eleanor, lass, because John is right. Ye canna take such a risk. We have to think of our bairns."
"I am thinking of them...and what it will mean for them to grow up with liberty..."
"And justice for all?" Bree piped up from Roger's side.
"Bree understands."
"I do," Brianna nodded, "When you grow up in America, it is engrained in you...those principals the nation was build on. But I agree with Lord John and Da. Your children are too young-you cannot take that risk, Ellie."
"The children aside," John stood, "I have fought my entire life in the service of the crown, of my King. Do you not believe that I think it is an honorable endeavor? Even if it is a lost cause?"
"But it is not an honorable endevour," Eleanor retorted, "Taxation without representation in Parliament? To pay for the King's bloody wars? No, there will be a correct side in this war and it will not be yours."
"The lass seems reasonable to me," Murtagh drawled.
"Murtagh," Jamie's admonishment was low. "Regardless of all that, Eleanor canna spy. Tis a foolish notion to even consider and ye ken that weel. We canna risk it. She is the mother of four wee bairns."
"Who will be much older when the war does come," Murtagh countered, "if my calculations are correct."
"She dinnae have the temperament fer it," Jamie said, firmly.
"I disagree," Murtagh said, "The lass has shown a strength that neither of ye seem to want to acknowledge."
"And you only acknowledge it when it serves your cause," John said, bluntly. "Your treasonous cause."
"If the cause is just..." Eleanor shrugged, "Perhaps it is a risk I can take...as Murtagh said, the kids will be older then..."
"You speak of treason!" John's eyes were lit with emotion. "Do you not understand that?" he asked, exasperated.
"It is not treason to me...as I am an American. It is the opposite of treason- it is loyalty to the country I love."
"The country that does not exist," John glared at her. "and until it does, you speak treason!"
"Stop saying that word!" Eleanor's temper snapped at him.
John stilled, and when he spoke his voice was low again, "I do apologize, Lady John. What term would you like me to use to describe rebellion against the crown? Perfidy? Treachery? Duplicity? Are those better for your feminine sensibilities?"
"He could be a thesaurus," Bree muttered to Roger and Jamie shot them both a warning look. He frowned intently at John and Eleanor. He had only seen them at odds once before and while he had been in that position plenty of times with Eleanor, he was curious to see how his friend handled his rather spirited ex wife.
"Just because I am a woman..." Eleanor shifted Hope.
"Do not start that with me," John said and Jamie couldn't hide his chuckle, which caused all three women to give him a look that caused him to sober immediately, "It is has nothing with you being a woman...only with being a decent human, Eleanor...and such duplicity is very beneath the character of the woman I thought I married."
Eleanor fell silent and John titled his head at her, challenging her. His temper was getting the best of him...and the always proper, always steady Lord John was comfortable enough with the Fraser clan to confront his wife in that moment.
"You forget," Eleanor let our her breath, trying to calm her temper, "I want you safe as well, John. If it is a losing cause then your life is in danger..."
"Indeed," John's voice became calm, but deceptively so, "Be that as it may, you cannot ask me to be less of a man than I am. Excuse me," he bowed and left the room, the door clicking behind him.
Eleanor shut her eyes. It was very rare that John and her fought...and never so publicly.
"Eleanor," Jamie began as she stood, adjusting Hope who had been sleeping on her chest.
"Do not rub it in, James," Eleanor's voice cracked, tears coming to her eyes.
"Ye canna spy," Jamie said, "Fer one, ye would get caught. Ye are an horrid liar. And ye canna hide yer feelins, try as ye might. This isna some movie that ye have seen...this is yer life," He turned to his godfather, "And ye shouldna have asked Eleanor to divulge her deelings with Tryon. She does not need to feel put in the middle between her loyalty to ye and our family and her loyalty to Lord John."
She shifted, trying to dull the ache in her back. "It's not his fault. He didn't coerce me into giving him the information about our suppers with Tryon."
"Aye, I dinnae do that, but that dinnae change the truth of the matter. One day Ellie will have to be in the middle," Murtagh said, "Ye arena going to stay loyal to the English, lad. And Eleanor will be in the middle especially when it comes to the father of her children fighting on one side and her husband on the other. Clearly, Lord John is not goin to change."
"But that will be a few years from now," Claire offered.
"Aye," Roger said, also seeking to smooth out the tension. "Ye have time to plan for that, Eleanor."
"True," Brianna nodded, "I'm sure we can all help you figure it out...and it isn't like Lord John is going to let the war come between us all. He and Da have often been on opposing sides."
"Aye, that's right," Jamie nodded.
"But still, what will ye do when that day comes?" Murtagh pressed.
"I don't know...maybe I'll just hide under my blanket for five years," Eleanor grunted, exasperated. She moved to Jamie's side. "Can you take Hope, please? Put her in her bed for me."
"Of course," Jamie stood the little one, kissing her red head of curls as he did. He breathed in her scent. He hadn't held the child since she was a wee bairn- Hope was undeniably cool towards him. She loved Claire and Bree, but it was as she sensed she was different from her brothers and sisters.
"Good Lord, I completely screwed this up," Eleanor rubbed her back.
"Aye," Jamie couldn't take his eyes off of Hope, "John is verra much English. I have to be careful how I address certain matters in his presence especially in front of others."
"I know," Eleanor frowned, "He is going to be so angry with me. He is always going on and on to me about discretion."
"But you are American and I find that Americans tend to be more open in their thoughts and feelings," Roger said, smiling at her. "Not as standoffish as the British...no offense to ye, Claire."
Claire laughed, "None taken. I don't disagree. And you are from a time that is even less reserved, Ellie."
"Still, after so many years in this time, I dinnae disagree with Lord John, ye need to acclimate better," Jamie scolded, mildly.
She titled her head, "Coming from the man that never bothered to correct me about my social limitations."
"I wasn't intent on bring ye into society," Jamie retorted, shifting Hope. "John is verra much so in making ye a proper lady."
"Such a hopeless endeavor," Eleanor rolled her eyes.
"Nah, ye play the part weel, lass, these days," Jamie smiled at her.
"Thank you, kindly, Mr. Fraser," Eleanor said, sarcasm dripping from her voice causing the room to chuckle, "Claire, may I borrow your wrap?"
"Of course, you may," Claire said, "You are welcome to it."
"I foolishly packed well for all of the children and horribly for me."
"That's called being a mother," Claire went over to the hook and handed Eleanor her wrap.
"Can we talk later?" Eleanor asked, leaning in to whisper in her ear as she flung the wrap around herself, "I have not had you alone and I need to talk with you about a private matter."
"Of course," Claire nodded. "I'll arrange Jamie to distract the others tomorrow."
"Thank you," Eleanor smiled at her, "Jamie, will you check on the children for me when you put Hope in bed?"
"Aye, lass," Jamie said, rubbing Hope's back, "But dinnae wander far. If John isna on the porch, and ye want to find him, come back in and either Murtagh or I will walk with ye."
"Very well," Eleanor nodded and then went out to look for her husband.
Eleanor put the lantern down and reached to pet the horse.
"I wish life was simpler," she said, softly. "Jamie said you will have your foal any day. I hope you are ready, because mother to mother, they are not easy." She paused, "And on top of that, Lord John is so put out with me." The horse made a disgruntled snort. "I know, I know. I must be a real screw up for him of all people to be so angry at me."
"I wouldn't say that," John said and Eleanor gasped and jumped.
"Damn it. What the hell, John?" she heaved, her hand moving to her chest. "You scared me half to death!"
"Language, Lady John," John chided, mildly.
Eleanor winced, "Sorry."
"No matter," He gave her a small smile, "I'm sorry if I gave you a fright. Whatever are you doing in here? Being with the horses are always Jamie's comfort, not yours."
"I needed solitude," Eleanor confessed. "And I am afraid I wasn't quite ready to face the others."
"So you are hiding out in here?" John asked, with a raised eyebrow.
"Something like that," Eleanor said, shrugging, still petting the pregnant mare. "I went to look for you earlier, but you had gone."
"I had gone for a walk."
"I figured that you must be quite angry if you had left in the dark for a walk," Ellie said, staring at the mare, her hand still gently petting it.
"I went to calm my temper," John admitted.
"And did you succeed in your endeavor?" Eleanor asked, tearing her eyes away from the mare to look over her shoulder at her husband.
"I'm not certain to tell you the truth, Eleanor," John said. "Rarely am I shocked by your words or behavior and tonight I find myself shocked...appalled even."
"I see," Eleanor bit her lip. "Is there no chance of you forgetting that your absolutely wretched wife said all those things?" She again look at him, the distress clear on her face. "Please, John?"
"Do not fear, my dear," John rewarded her with a small smile, "No matter how shocking the conversation we had earlier tonight was, I doubt I would ever characterize my wife as absolutely wretched."
"Only a wee bit wretched then?" Eleanor asked, hopefully.
"Not any bit wretched," John chuckled as he came closer to her to pet the horse as well, "Oh, she is a beauty. Is she not? Jamie knows how to choose his horses well."
Eleanor nodded, "She is. I think she was a gift from Auntie."
They stood there for a few minutes admiring the mare before John said, gently, "Much I would like to, my darling, I do not think I can just forget your words, especially when I know they were said in earnest...of what is in your heart."
"Even if that part of my heart appalls you?"
"Even then," He reached out to lightly touch the thick material of Claire's cape. "What is this?"
"Would you believe I forgot my wrap?"
"Yes, I can," John gave her a side eye, "Wrangling the children proved to be quite the endeavor, which is why we need a governess, Eleanor. Desperately."
"They are lively, are they not?"
"I can't fathom how we have done it for the past year and a half, especially traveling as we have. I have not pressed the issue mainly because I have strived to maintain peace betwixt you and I because God only knows we have it no where else..."
Eleanor chuckled, "But you have reached your limits?"
"I think I have," John said, "Especially when I see you so weary...and you are not responding to my gentle prodding."
"I am exhausted," Eleanor admitted.
"I know you are, sweetheart, which is why we need a governess."
"Very well," Eleanor let out a long breath, I will consent to a governess...on one condition."
"What's that?" John's voice was light.
"You forgive my thoughtlessness."
"Was it thoughtlessness though?" John asked, taking care to keep the harshness out of his tone. "Truly?"
"Perhaps in regards to you...and your feelings," Eleanor amended. "Of course betraying your country would not be something you could fathom as I cannot think of betraying my own America- even if it is the America of the 21st century. It was unforgivable for me not to think of it from your perspective. And continue to press you when I was clearly out of place. My pride got the best of me and in the process I might have injured you. And I know how you value our privacy and the fact we had that conversation in front of the others, well, I'm sorry. Please forgive me."
He reached out to turn her head towards him, the hood to the cape framing her face. His hand remained on her face, "Nothing is unforgivable betwixt you and I. I hope you know that."
Her heart stirred towards him. They had such a deep understanding and tenderness between them at times. She adored him so much. He was so steady, even more so than Jamie.
"I would never ask you to betray your beliefs for me."
"I'm glad to hear that," John said, his hand patting her face. "As I would never permit you to do something that could result in your death."
She shivered. "I had not thought of that."
"Did you truly not realize that the consequence for treason is death?" John looked at her, in disbelief.
"It is war. Soldiers should be allowed to return home."
"Yes, but the British sentenced to death the highland army after the Rising. Jamie was fortunate."
"I know," Eleanor let out her breath. "It is such a brutal time." She shuddered at the thought.
"Yes, it is."
She nodded. "Are you still angry?"
"A bit," John said, "But..." he looked over at her, "you can attempt to distract me from it. If you wish..."
"Then may I talk to you about something private?"
"Of course, you may."
"I'm afraid it is sensitive in nature."
"Ah," John chuckled and dropped his hand, reaching for hers and kissing it tenderly before holding it between his. "I have learned much in this past year with you, my dear."
"I think changes are happening all around," Eleanor said. "I am getting older and with that..."
"You just turned nine and thirty," John chided. "It is hardly ancient, my dear."
"Yes, I know, but..." Eleanor let out her breath. "I feel myself changing...physically. And if you had hoped for a little one of your own...I do not know it will be possible."
John frowned, "Is that so? You are having your cycle each month since it started again, Ellie."
"Yet, but it was always possible for me to conceive even in that time after Hope's birth...and I haven't. I thought once they returned, it would happen quickly, but a few months have passed. It was always so easy in the past...and I am much older than I was before. Perhaps I am too old...and if I am...I think we should be prepared for that fact...if you want a child of your own blood. You have never told me how you feel about that."
"A child of my own blood?" John marveled at her words. "Do you think I am concerned about that?"
"You are the brother of a Duke...and from a time that it matters to men...to extend their own bloodline, and to have a piece of them left in the world, a legacy."
"Do you think I do not love your children as my own? For I do, Eleanor. They are part yours and part Jamie's, two of the most dear people in this world to me. I love them even more than if they were of my own blood because I see both of you in them...and I love you both.,. Desperately so at times."
"Oh God, John," Eleanor's tears splattered down her face. "You are simply too good of a man for me."
"Sweetheart," John reached to put his arm around her, pulling her into him. "Do not cry." He kissed her head.
"I did not think it would be so hard. I have been blessed. And I do have my hands full."
"We have our hands full," John amended for her.
"Yes, we do."
"Then why does the prospect trouble you so, darling?" John asked, his brow furrowed in concern.
"I don't fully know why," Eleanor admitted. "The thought of never carrying a child again...to know that has passed by...with Hope, it was so many emotions given the situation...I did not treasure it. I treasured her but not the process. And they are growing so fast. I do not wish to grow old," Eleanor sighed, "I'm already getting so grey."
"I am sure you have many happy days ahead of you," John kissed her again, "And you are just as beautiful as the first time I met you in the Highlands."
Eleanor chuckled at the memory, "You are always exceedingly generous, Lord John."
He kissed both her hands, "Perhaps it is for the best. Hope's delivery was so burdensome. We must think of your health, yes? I couldn't bear it if I lost you because I selfishly wanted a child of my own, when we have five children to raise at home. Actually," he paused, "the thought of losing you at all tears at my soul, Eleanor. We must be grateful for the blessings we do have."
She nodded and then flung her arms around John, holding him tightly, and burying her head in his shoulder.
John wrapped his arms around her waist and reached up to stroke her hair which hung lose down her back, the hood of her cape falling off her head.
She breathed in his scent, "I need you. Will you not take me to bed? Or..." her voice trailed off. She visibly reeled herself in. "Perhaps I should not ask for it."
"Do you not wish for some private time betwixt us tonight?" John asked, pulling her away from him so he could look into her eyes, "You usually do when we have a disagreement."
"Yes, but..." Eleanor stopped again.
"Is it because we are at Fraser's Ridge?" John frowned at the thought.
"No, of course not," Eleanor countered, "It has nothing to do with Jamie, but everything to do with you..."
"With me?" John asked startled and then inferring her meaning, he pulled away, sharply. "Do you think I would no longer wish to bed you because you cannot continue my bloodline?"
"Well," Eleanor said slowly, "I know...it is a duty to you...all things considered. So perhaps, I should give you an out."
"An out?" John asked, incredulously.
"Perhaps it was a duty to produce an heir of your own blood...for your family's sake...and now that has potentially passed, there would be no need to continue with it...if you do not find it...to your liking."
"Great God in heaven," John muttered. "You get these ideas in that head of yours and run with them."
Eleanor bit her thumb, "I want to offer it to you...because I love you. And I do not doubt your love for me...that is made abundantly clear. But you can love me and feel affection for me without wanting to be passionate with me...and that's okay, John."
"At least you do not doubt my affection for you," John retorted, "And how is it to you? Our marriage bed?" his voice was low. "Tell me honestly. I will not be offended."
"For me, it's not a duty, anymore," Eleanor said slowly, "It feels right. Like no matter what is going on, being with you...it's like peace in the midst of the chaos. You anchor my soul, John and when I am with you, I feel like I can be strong again. Like we are stronger together. And I do enjoy it."
"I concur that we are stronger together. There is intimacy betwixt you and I that grows stronger when we are physically connected. I did not realize that would be the case when I married you. I haven't done it out of obligation in a while, Eleanor. I could care two hoots whether or not you can conceive my child. And even if did not enjoy it, which I am not saying is the case, the joy it gives you, that would be enough...because your joy brings me immense joy."
Eleanor leaned over to kiss him, slowly, then rest her forehead against his, "Thank you for loving me in spite of who I am. Not only physically, but you know...in other ways. I know I must be so trying for you at times."
"Spying indeed." John gave her an exasperated grunt. "I will address that with you in a moment," he said, his manner becoming stern.
"I thought you had forgotten...that I distracted you fully."
"Not quite fully, though you did give it an admirable attempt," John acknowledged. "You need to be taken to task, Ellie. Desperately."
"Hum, I look forward to it," Eleanor inclined her head. She sideswept him to head towards the door and held out her hand. John looked at her, intently, for a moment and then shook his head.
"I do not wish to return the house," he said, quietly. "It is far too crowded."
"Well, I'm not lying down here...there is muck and...stuff." She wrinkled her nose and John grinned at her.
"You wouldn't have to. Do I really have to spell it out for you...a woman who has been married thrice before?"
"No, I can infer your meaning," Eleanor blushed, "but...um..."
"What is the issue here?" John's smile turned into a frown, confused by Ellie's hesitation.
"It just..." Eleanor paused and then said in a rush, "it never works the way it does in the movies...to have a passionate interlude...in such a small space."
His brow furrowed as he said, "I find it unfathomable that Jamie did not try to do so at some point in your marriage."
"I may have persuaded him against such endeavors," She blushed.
"Why would you do that?" he pressed.
"John, I am horribly clumsy at times. You know this. It is so cramped in here and I just don't see it working the way you want it to."
"It will work," John said, looking at her, quizzically. "Forgive me, my dear, I just don't understand. Did you truly put Jamie off in this way?"
Eleanor bit her lip, "Mainly because I thought...well, he probably did do it with Claire this way...and she probably wasn't at all fumbling and clumsy. And it probably actually looked like the movies."
"Oh, my daring," John frowned deeply, "Where is your confidence? Where is your sense of adventure?" John chided.
"This doesn't seem like your style," Eleanor said.
"Well, truth be told, because of who I am, a lot of my liaisons had to be done in secrecy, which a barn surely provides."
"I see," Eleanor blushed and then reached for his hand, "I don't want to embarrass myself."
"You won't," He squeezed hers, reassuringly, and then leaned against her, pinning her back against the wall of the barn, "I can help you navigate." He kissed her deeply, "Surely a woman brave enough to offer herself to spy can do this with her husband."
Eleanor pursed her lips, "Fine, but for Christ's sake, not in Claire's cape."
John chuckled, "I don't think I quite want you in anything."
"What if someone walks in?" Eleanor asked, "This is scandalous."
He chuckled at her, "I'll cover you."
"But you will be naked too, so..."
John raised an eyebrow, "Did I say I would be?"
"No way," Eleanor shook her head, "I'm not going to be completely naked and you dressed..." She gave a bit of a pout, not unlike her daughters. "That's not fair."
"My dear," John took her cape of her, hanging it on the hook. "if you wish to spy, then you can find yourself doing things that you never thought you would be willing to do." He turned her around, kissing her neck as he got her buttons. "Making sacrifices…for the good of the cause...and in some cases," he paused as he pushed down her dress and then began to untie her corset, "to save your own neck." He tossed the corset. He reached to rub his hands up and down her sides. "Perhaps you will find yourself in this very position," he untangled her shift and threw it down, then nipped at her ear, "One that you could not easily talk yourself out of," he smacked her and then turned her around, and then went to raise her chin up, gripping it with her hand, "What would you do, Eleanor? What could you do to extradite yourself from the situation?"
"John," Eleanor breathed.
"There is one way a woman can get information from a man," John said, "even in polite society. And if you feign enough interest, they may feel like your interest lies in other regards too," he turned her back around, "And to deny them, would be to give away your hand. Are you ready for that?"
He bent to kiss down her spine, "You are a very sensitive soul, Eleanor. And your husbands, even Mr. Fitzgibbons have been very accommodating with you...sensitive to your thoughts and feelings and patient with understanding that sex for you is more than just...well, sex. But not all men are so honorable...or considerate of your feelings...and even if you cried for them to stop, they would not oblige you..." he swatted at her again and then kissed up her spine.
"John," she gripped the stall rails, "I understand your point."
"I'm not sure you do quite yet," John said, returning to her neck. "I told you we would address the matter fully and address we will."
Eleanor swallowed hard, "Very well. I spoke rather impulsively..it was just an idea..."
"Then let's further examine the merits of your idea," he kissed her neck again, "there is the great possibility of getting caught as you are not very good at being stealth" he paused, "you wear your heart on your sleeve and that openness of mind and feelings, as I have said before, it is part of what I adore about you...but in the art of spying it would be to your detriment." He paused again, and then continued, determinedly, "you have seen a man die before by hanging...the look of panic as we put the hood around him, knowing that in a few minutes he would be dead...choking and not being able to breathe, hoping that your neck would make a clean break and the pain would be short lived," he kissed all around her neck and Eleanor wiggled, "Tell me, Lady John, is that a fate you wish upon yourself?"
And while Jamie was quick to protect her earlier from visualizing such a fate, John was painting the picture for her, in great depth all while paying great attention to spots upon her neck, his breath warm against her. He was bloody good at getting his point across when necessary.
"Enough," she said, her voice a strangled sob, "I understand your point."
"So, we will hear no more of this notion of spying, shall we, Lady John?" John said sternly, giving her another hefty swat.
"Good Lord," Eleanor grunted, "You certainly know how to lay into a person..."
"It's because," he whispered in her ear, "I love you. And what I said earlier is true- the thought of losing you, Eleanor... This world needs you in it...my world needs you in it."
He turned her around again, this time whispering instructions in her ear of how to make the most of the cramped quarters they were in, shoved against each other in the corner of the small barn, his manner gentle, a stark contrast to earlier.
"Do you feel steady enough?" he inquired, his voice tender. "You look uncertain."
"Um..." Eleanor bit her lip, "I don't know if it was your lecture or all of this, but I feel completely off balanced."
He adjusted her so she was more secure against him, "Just hold onto me, I won't let you fall. I promise." He paused, "Do you trust me not to?"
She nodded, "Do you trust me?" she asked as she leaned down to kiss the scar on his chest.
"I do trust you, but I need you...you must..." His hand reached to push up her chin again, "Promise me, Ellie. Regardless of the divide that we might face during this coming storm, we will be united together. And we will never use each other to further the advances of our cause. I must have your word upon it."
She looked into his eyes and her expression was so full of trust and devotion, causing John's heart to melt. "You have my word, Lord John."
"And you have mine as well," John said, leaning down to kiss her, "I love you, Eleanor. I love you very much indeed."
"I love you too, John."
John threw a nearby blanket to Eleanor as she hid behind his form.
Jamie gave them a look, the tips of his ears red, "I was just checkin on the mare."
"For Christ sake," Eleanor heaved, wrapping the blanket around her, which smelled strongly of horse. "Now I'm going to need a bath."
"I dinnae think the blanket is the only reason ye could benefit from a bath," Jamie said, wryly.
"James Fraser!" Eleanor admonished.
John cleared his throat. "The mare seems to be doing well. Wouldn't you say, Ellie?"
"Quite so," Eleanor nearly choked as she hid her face in John's shoulder. She was trying to regulate her breathing, but it was clear that John's attention left her breathless.
"Aye," Jamie grumbled, "She seems weel enough." He turned, "Perhaps, I can come back in a few minutes."
"Now you think of that?" Eleanor asked, coughing.
"Dinnae fash, lassie, ye were verra weel covered. And what I heard...weel, that isna new to me either..."
"God help me, isn't that the truth?" Eleanor cringed. "Christ, just turn around," she grunted, "I'll put my shift on and Claire's wrap."
"I dinnae ken what possessed ye two," Jamie turned on his heels so his back was to them. "The bairns could walk in."
John reached to quickly help Eleanor with her shift and the cape. "No more than they could if we were in our room."
"Why would they venture to the barn at this time of night?" Eleanor asked.
"I dinnae ken," Jamie muttered, "Maybe to find their mother."
"I'm decent," she said, her face flushed and Jamie turned around, "And you are the last person that should scold me for this."
Jamie looked stormy for a moment, then resigned, "Aye. I canna say Claire and I aren't prone to it from time to time especially with the bairns underfoot."
Eleanor's look of triumph was short lived when Mac came in, with the lantern. "I have to use the privy, Da. And I couldna find any un. And I scared to go in there without any un to hold the lantern for me."
Jamie took the lantern from his son, "This is too heavy for ye, laddie. But aye, Claire is down with Bree and Roger. THe bairn must be teething and Bree and Roger are up most of the night. Claire is giving them a reprieve." He titled his head at Eleanor, "See what I mean, lassie? They'll find ye, no matter."
"Your point is well received, Jamie," John stepped forward, "I'll take you to the privy, Mac."
"Thank ye, Papa."
John put his arm around his stepson, "You are most welcome. Eleanor, I'll see you back at the house in a minute."
Eleanor frowned, "Are you leaving me here?"
John looked amused, "I do not think Jamie will bite, Eleanor."
"Nah," Jamie gave her a grin, "my biting days are over, mo ghraidh."
Eleanor flushed crimson, "Jamie Fraser."
"Ye bit Mama, Da?" Mac asked, brow furrowed in confusion, "like Sam does?"
"Must be where he gets it from," John said, dryly, "Never you mind, James Mackenzie. Your Da is teasing your mama something awful tonight."
Eleanor forced a smile, "Papa is right. Da is teasing me. I just have to gather my things."
"Yes, of course. Jamie, can you ensue that Eleanor makes it back to the house safely?"
"Aye, of course, I can," Jamie said.
"Very good," John nodded. "Come along, Mac."
John left with Mac, leaving a very tense Jamie and Eleanor in the barn. Jamie bent down and handed Eleanor her dress, "I have to say given yer objections in the past, I'd say ye are the last person I expected to find here."
Eleanor flushed further, "Perhaps I have grown as a person..." she said, snatching the dress from Jamie and then scooping up her corset to hug both of the garments against her.
"Or perhaps I am not as well suited for you as Lord John," Jaime said to her, his voice low.
"Good Lord," Eleanor heaved, "I will not have this conversation with you..."
"It's my barn."
"Did you truly not think we would have passion between us?" Eleanor asked, bluntly. "We are married...and I know that you and Claire certainty have your fill of passion..."
Jamie blushed then, "I dinnae want to ever think on ye and John. But no, truth be told, I didn't suspect ye would find so much satisfaction with each other...given...weel, ye ken my meaning."
"Yes, I ken it verra well," Eleanor drawled, "I know I might not be as enticing as your wife...but I find it hard to believe that you do not think me capable of attracting a man."
"Considering his preferences, I dinnae think it is that unreasonable of me to think on it..." Jamie frowned, "And that has nothin to do with ye. We have three bairns between us. Clearly, I think ye capable of holding the interest of a man...that was interested in such things...ach, blast it, Ellie. Ye are tryin to pin me in to admitting something aboot ye that isna true."
She shrugged.
"Why?" Jamie growled, now his anger snapping. He couldn't unseen what he had seen...and heard...and it did get under his skin, especially knowing that she trusted John in more ways than she had trusted him in their marriage...in spite of everything he had done to reassure her the years that they were wed.
He put his hands on her shoulders, "Stop shrugging. Ye say things are broken between us...but fer the sake of our bairns and the peace of our family, we have to try to mend it, Eleanor."
Eleanor leaned back against the rail, trying to gather her emotions and get away from him.
"Why are ye angry, lass?" Jamie pressed.
"I don't know."
"Aye, ye do," Jamie countered, his eyes intent on her. "Why?"
"For a lot of reasons!" Eleanor snapped.
"Such as?" Jamie growled.
She almost said it, the word Hope on the tip of her tongue and yet again...she couldn't force the words out. She let out a long breath and then her shoulders slumped, defeated. Anger gave way to the conflicting emotions that was tearing at her heart these past few months.
Jamie immediately relaxed his stance at her distress, "What is it, mo ghraidh?" he pressed.
"I do love being John's wife, Jamie. And we have found something special...But if you think...that I am not conflicted..." Tears sprang to Eleanor's eyes. "If you think that my heart doesn't just tear a little bit more to see what a happy home you and Claire have built...the family you have recaptured...the family we were supposed to be having together..." The tears flowed over, "that I don't notice the closeness and easiness that you and Claire have...the looks you exchange, and that I don't think it is still hard for me to see...well," she wiped her tears, "now you know how I feel...and it doesn't feel good, does it?"
Jamie stiffened, "Be that as it may, I shouldna have to walk into ye in the arms of another man...and ye expect me...just to be..." he paused, "fine with it. How would ye feel if ye saw Claire and I?"
"Look, I'm sorry," Eleanor bit her lip, knowing Jamie had a point, "But John and I having sex in this barn had nothing to do with you, James Fraser...but it had everything to do that we had a monumental fight earlier this evening in front of the whole family...and we needed time alone...to sort it out..."
Jamie snorted, "It sounded like ye sorted it out just fine."
"Well, I don't know...he was awfully put out with me...I got a terrible scolding beforehand," Eleanor said, blushing, "You would have just beat me and been done with it."
"That's unfair and ye ken that."
Eleanor turned on her heels, "This whole thing is unfair, Jamie." She leaned against the railing to the empty stall.
"Ach," Jamie grunted and then came to stand next to her. He reached out a tentative hand and then touched her arm gently to get her attention, "I am sorry, lass. Ye and John caught me by surprise. And I dinnae think seeing ye and him together...in this way, would tear my guts out like it did...because like ye with John, I am happy with Claire."
She swallowed hard, "I think it's hard because we still have a family together...and we never wanted to be apart. It feels wrong still. And we made promises to each other that were heartfelt at the time...and we aren't able to keep those vows...when maybe parts of us still feel true to those vows... And frankly, it's hard not to be bitter at times...at the what ifs."
"Are ye bitter, lass?" Jamie asked. "Towards me?"
Eleanor let out a long breath, "I wish I could say no."
Jamie put his hand over hers, "Sam said ye missed me."
Eleanor turned her head to give him a small smile, "Always, James. As I said, I have a lot of conflicting emotions."
He patted her hand, rubbing his hand against hers. "I miss ye too, mo ghraidh. Dinna think that ye are an easy woman to forget aboot."
"You are where you belong," Eleanor said, "Claire is your soulmate. You two were made for each other...I'm just the mother of some of your children." She slid her hand out from Jamie's, "Goodnight, Jamie."
She turned to walk towards the door when Jamie's voice stopped her. "Ye were always much more to me than just the mother of my children, mo ghraidh. Ye still are."
She closed her eyes tightly, before opening them again and leaving Jamie in the barn.