A/N: A big thank you for all who have taken the time to review...and encourage me to keep writing! :)
This chapter...ahh...I feel like I should give you all a warning... :)
so part of the challenge in writing this story is to figure out how Ellie fits into the plot of the show and then where she affects or changes the plot. And there was one place she definitely fits into the plot considering her connections between both John (who is more present in the show in NC) and Jamie, but the result is a doozy. So...heed the warning and hopefully you all aren't too put out with me for it. :(
Chapter 38:
A few months later:
John put his hands behind him, folded, listening intently to what Jamie was telling him.
"Good God," he murmured, stricken. "I do not even know where to begin with this. I knew something was dreadfully wrong when she wouldn't look at me, but I didn't expect this."
"She dinnae ken how to tell ye," Jamie said, his voice low.
"I should think not," John retorted, "Great God in heaven." John fell quiet for a few minutes, Jamie and him continuing to walk in silence when abruptly, he turned towards Jamie, "Does she not think I would understand the predicament she was in? That I would trust the heart of the woman I know that I married? Though taking the risk in the first place was ill-conceived and the results..." he shuddered. "God help us."
"No, I think she kens ye will understand," Jamie said, evenly, "But part of her, doesna want ye to."
"Why on earth not?" John asked.
"Because it is easier fer her to thrash yerself over it to atone fer her guilt than to accept yer forgiveness. She blames herself fer all of it, especially the bairn. She thinks she has ruined yer marriage." He paused, and then asked, bluntly, "Has she ruined yer marriage?"
John paused again, frowning, the silence thick between them...
"I do not wish it to be so," he said, quietly, "But if I know my wife, the guilt she carries, will create a wedge betwixt us. It seems inevitable."
"Aye," Jamie nodded, seriously, "And ye mustn't let her."
John let out a long breath, "I need to sit a moment," he said. "Do you mind?"
"Of course not," Jamie said as John found a fallen log to sit. "Do ye wish me to leave?"
"No," John shook his head, swiftly, "Will you stay?"
"Aye," He nodded and then sat next to him on the log, the two falling silent again, Jamie keenly aware not to press John, but to let him process this news on his own.
Much later, John turned, "When it comes down to the crux of the matter, if I do not fight for her soul, then all the vows I made to her would be dishonored and the love I claimed I had for her, wouldn't have been love at all."
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Tis the truth of it."
"And I do love her, Jamie," John said, quietly. "I always say I didn't know it possible to love a woman in the way that a husband loves a wife, but Eleanor...there is a specialness to her. I do love her in that way."
"Aye, I ken that weel," Jamie said, "She is easy to love."
"And so very hard to hate," John said. "Try as I might at this moment."
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Tis true. But she is easy to get angry with. And if ye were, no un could fault ye fer it."
"Perhaps, for you," John said, with a raised eyebrow, "But she hardly ever raises my temper."
"Aye that was maybe reserved fer me," Jamie acknowledged, easily. "Ye arena angry at the lass?"
"No, I'm not. Even now, my temper is not raised at her," John said, "I'm just very sorry all of this happened and that she is hurting in this way. Though," John frowned, "I am a little beside myself that she would take the risk to begin with. But perhaps I should have heeded your warning about her and Tryon, Mister Fraser."
"No," Jamie said, "It is regrettable, but I dinnae ken how it was preventable. I will say this fer Eleanor..."
"Then you are defending Ellie in this?" John interrupted, skeptically.
"Aye, I canna help but defend her," Jamie said, "For while the choice was ill-conceived to begin with, she did it for our children- to protect our family, just as ye or I would have been apt to do. And once stuck in the situation, she did what she must to protect herself instead of thinkin her above it and makin a choice that would have surely ended with her bein accused of treason. And I have to say, I am proud of her fer not losin her heid and bein so brave aboot it. Fer if she dinnae, the conversation we would be havin right now would be entirely different."
"She must have been scared senseless," John said, quietly. "And perhaps that hurts me most of all. Knowing how scared she must have been...and desperate in that moment."
"Aye," Jamie said, "I ken she was. The thought of it pains me as weel."
"But besides all that, why wouldn't she have told me that she suspected herself to be with child?"
Jamie paused and then looked in John's eyes, "With her age, she ken weel that bearing another wee un was dangerous. I wouldna imagine she would be ready to admit that her days might be numbered. Hope's delivery must have spooked her more than she has let on. But I saw the look upon her face, John. She wants to share a child with ye, to look upon her bairn and see ye in him or her."
"I can't deny that I have wished it so myself," John whispered.
"Claire says it is possible," Jamie said, his voice low. "If that makes a difference."
John nodded. "What do I do?"
"As ye said before," Jamie reached out and put a hand on his knee, "If he love her the way ye say ye do, then ye must fight fer yer wife, John. Tis no other way aboot it."
"Would you?"
"Aye," Jamie nodded, confidently. "I would."
John paused, "For Claire or Eleanor?" he raised an eyebrow.
"Both," Jamie said, "While Eleanor isna my wife any longer, why do ye think I am the un talkin to ye right now? It is fer the sake of the friendship ye and I have, but tis also because I canna bear Eleanor's heartbreak nor her shame. I will carry it fer her in any way I can...to help ease it, to make this life more bearable fer her to endure."
John froze and then nodded confidently, "Yes, I can see how that would be the case. But she is going to have to face this, with me...for us to heal. I am not angry with her, but in my mind, I cannot tolerate the image of her and Tryon. "
Jamie gave a small smile, "Aye, it isna a pretty sight, is it?"
"You feel it too?" John asked, wryly.
"Aye," Jamie nodded. "I think I almost put my hand through the wall when she told me. But the difference, I have no right to feel it, but ye have every right."
"Indeed," John let out a long breath and then stood, "Come. I must find Eleanor."
Jamie rose, "Aye, ye should."
A few weeks earlier
"What do you mean?" Eleanor asked John as they walked the gardens of Tryon's palace. Eleanor's gloved hands rested lightly in the crook of John's arm, her large hat tied prettily on her head, shielding her face from the bright sun.
"It's an errand that will only take a few days," John said, "But it an important matter...on behalf of the Crown."
"May I not come with you?" Eleanor asked, "or if not, can't you tell me what its about so I will not worry?" She let go of his arm, stopping in her tracks. He turned to face her, his eyes intently studying her.
John put his hands on her shoulders, "Eleanor, I don't think so, my darling."
"Should I go back to the Ridge then?" Eleanor asked, frowning. "I mean do you think the children are well?"
"I am certain they are fine with their family," John said, "It has been good for us to get away for a bit...by ourselves."
"I don't disagree," Eleanor said, gripping his arms, "Why won't you tell me?"
"Because," John raised his eyebrows at her petulant tone, but his own remained patient, "As much as I adore, admire and trust you, you have made your views quite clear on the Crown," his tone turned firm, "As such, I will not tell you. And while the endeavor is not dangerous per say, it will be a difficult journey and you would only slow me down. You shall remain here with Governor Tryon."
"Are you certain that is wise?" Eleanor asked, incredulously.
"We don't have much of a choice," John countered, "There are plenty of chaperones around and I will be back...two days perhaps. Hardly any time."
"Oh, very well," Eleanor grunted. "But I am not a petulant child that you cannot trust."
John smiled and then leaned to give her a kiss on the cheek, "Then stop pouting," he said, in her ear. "And acting like one."
He caught Eleanor's scowl out the corner of his eye and then sought to soothe the blow a bit, "For your information, I do not wish to leave you here. But I must. Be on your best behavior with Tryon...and do try not to get yourself in too much mischief while I am gone."
"I will strive to keep my opinions to myself," Eleanor leaned to kiss him again, "I'm sorry if I am acting whiny. Truth be told, I just don't want you to go. I like it when we are together."
"I know. Two days, Ellie. That's it. I'm leaving Tom and Susanna here with you."
"Oh very well," She wrapped her arms around his neck, "I love you, Lord John Grey."
"And I love you, Lady John," John gave her one last kiss, then gallantly bowed to her. "Until we meet again."
Eleanor laughed, delighted at the gesture, "Hurry back, my darling."
Eleanor fiddled with her pearls, agitated, and then reached for the wine, taking a small sip to ease her dry throat, "Did he just say the rolls from Ardsmuir?" she asked, causally after Tryon's secretary had whispered in his ear. Tryon was having another supper party. John was gone, and Eleanor was seated at Tryon's right hand side.
"Yes, indeed," Tryon said, wiping his mouth with his napkin. He leaned over to whisper to her, confidentially, "Just arrived. We will seal them up and send a rider to Knox. It was a brilliant idea for him to suggest looking at that for Fitzgibbons' whereabouts. There must be somebody aiding him for him to allude justice as he has done."
Eleanor fought the urge to panic. Her head suddenly felt very light. "Do you really believe so?" she asked, willing her voice to come out even. "Maybe he is simply good at hiding."
"Perhaps so," Tryon said. "I suppose I could have asked Lord John, but truth is, I didn't remember he had requested them until they came just now."
"I'm sure Lord John wouldn't remember every single detail of his time at Ardsmuir," Eleanor said, quietly. "I don't think he did much mingling with the prisoners."
"Ah, that is most likely true," Tryon confirmed, "which is very good that we have the rolls now...for record."
"Are you going to look at them yourself?" Eleanor asked, trying to act casual when her insides were going to mush.
"Well, I had undone them but I hadn't had the chance," Tryon confessed. "I am planning on leaving the matter to Knox as the business of the colony has kept me quite busy today."
"And my husband, apparently," Eleanor said, dryly.
"Now, Lady John," Tryon scolded, "You aren't put out with me about that, are you, my dear?"
"Perhaps just a tiny bit," Eleanor confessed. "Not that I don't enjoy your company. I just prefer when John is with me."
Tryon raised his glass to her, "To Lord John then."
Eleanor looked at him, suddenly turning calm, "To Lord John," she raised her glass.
Eleanor twisted her hair which was tied into a side ponytail with a thick blue ribbon. She was pacing the floor, after long retiring for the night. It was late and the house had finally settled in for the night, all except her. The lamp was dimmed, but she couldn't force herself to snuff it and go to bed.
Thoughts plagued her head. If only John was here...he would know what to do and how to go about this to protect Jamie. If Knox or Tryon...or anybody read that piece of parchment, Jamie would be branded as a traitor again...and his fate was unthinkable. She couldn't let that happen. She loved him too much...and their children adored him. It would be devastating...and to know she could have prevented it. She couldn't live with herself. She had to at least try.
"Lord Jesus, help me to be brave," Eleanor begged, looking up at the ceiling. She took another deep breath, "Okay, Ellie. You can do this. It's for your children...and for Jamie."
Before she lost her nerve, she quickly reached for the lamp and opened the door to her room.
Upon entering the library, Eleanor hurried across to Tryon's desk. She placed the lantern on it and began to look through the papers. Her heart was hammering through her chest, her anxiety out of control.
But as she was about to panic and run out of the room, she found them. They were right there. Just open on the desk.
With shaking hands, she picked up the parchments, shuffling through them. Until she found what she was looking for...
James Alexander Fraser of Lallybroch
She looked around for the ink bottle. Maybe she could just make ink spill over onto it, covering Jamie's name. That would work well.
She felt like she couldn't breathe, every nerve in her body was heightened, sensitive to the stress she was under. But she forced herself to calm. This was for Jamie...and her children. And she would fight for them, just as Jamie or John would fight for her.
"What are you doing?" a deep voice filled the room.
Eleanor nearly jumped, "Oh good Lord!" she squealed.
"I didn't mean to frighten you," Tryon said. "But I am curious of what you are doing here. It's late."
She was going to be hung. Oh good Lord.
"you have seen a man die before by hanging...the look of panic as we put the hood around him, knowing that in a few minutes he would be dead...choking and not being able to breathe, hoping that your neck would make a clean break and the pain would be short lived," he kissed all around her neck and Eleanor wiggled, "Tell me, Lady John, is that a fate you wish upon yourself?"
John's words came flooding back into her mind- from that time in the barn when he tried to scare her with the consequences of spying in every glorious detail from that conversation. And she was terrified.
"My dear," John took her cape of her, hanging it on the hook. "if you wish to spy, then you can find yourself doing things that you never thought you would be willing to do." He turned her around, kissing her neck as he got her buttons. "Making sacrifices…for the good of the cause...and in some cases," he paused as he pushed down her dress and then began to untie her corset, "to save your own neck." He tossed the corset. He reached to rub his hands up and down her sides. "Perhaps you will find yourself in this very position," he untangled her shift and threw it down, then nipped at her ear, "One that you could not easily talk yourself out of," he smacked her and then turned her around, and then went to raise her chin up, gripping it with her hand, "What would you do, Eleanor? What could you do to extradite yourself from the situation?"
What could she do? Eleanor wracked her mind. Still she knew she must answer him, because to not, would be an admission that something was amiss. And her hesitation was looking suspicious.
"Do you think my motives to be nefarious?" Eleanor asked, willing her voice to not shake and to keep her voice causal.
"I think not," Tryon said slowly, studying her carefully with a tilt of his head in the lamp light. He went to sit the lamp down on the desk. She couldn't read him, but she sensed that he didn't quite believe her. "What do you have there?"
She discreetly shuffled the pages as she dropped the parchment, "I'm so sorry. I couldn't sleep. I was looking for a book. I didn't think you would mind if I borrowed one."
"A book?" Tryon mused. "Yes, John has told me of your fondness for reading. But why were you around my desk? Surely you know there is private colony business that I attend to on a daily basis, here on this desk."
Eleanor swallowed hard, "Truth be told, I got distracted. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have picked it up. Please forgive me?" she asked, her face flushed.
"Hum," Tryon studied her and then side-swept the desk to stand directly behind her. He leaned over her shoulder and picked up the parchment, his breath on her neck. "The rolls of Ardsmuir? Did you read this?"
Eleanor swallowed the bile that had risen to her throat as she scooted over to allow him more room, "Guilty as charged, your excellency," she said, quietly.
He gave her a small smile, "Playing detective, Lady John?"
"You caught me," Eleanor confessed, "Goodness, I am so embarrassed. But when I saw them, I had to look. It was simply too tempting not to try to solve the mystery. I wanted to know who could possibly be hiding Mister Fitzgibbons."
"And did you discover something interesting?" Tryon asked.
"Afraid not," Eleanor said, trying to calm the shaking of her hands, by balling them up into her sides.
Tryon reached for the parchments, looking at the top page, before sealing them up. "Knox can look through this thoroughly. I wanted to...but I do find myself distracted tonight."
"Oh?" Eleanor asked. "By what?"
"You."
"Me?" Eleanor asked, her voice light, but her heart sinking low. "Am I a good distraction?"
"I think so," Tryon said, offering her hand, and Eleanor knew she couldn't refuse. She discreetly tried to wipe them on her dressing gown so he wouldn't be aware of how much her palms were sweating. She put her hand in his. He led her to the couch.
"I think you had other motives for coming in here," Tryon said, "I have told you I often work late."
"Did you?" Eleanor asked, innocently.
"You are so amusing, my dear," Tryon laughed at her, "Yes, I did. And I think you would have asked me about the book."
She licked her dry lips, "Do you think so?"
"Yes," Tryon said, "You have impeccable manners, Lady John. You wouldn't enter a man's library without the courtesy of an invitation and take something...and certainty not in you nightclothes...unless you wanted something else. Something improper, perhaps? The company of another? Your husband is away...perhaps you are lonely."
She was truly at a loss for words, desperately trying to figure out extricate herself from the situation.
"On the other hand, if I am misreading the situation, Lady John, then I might think you are snooping around the Crown's business...and given your views that you have made so expressly clear, that wouldn't be so far of a stretch..."
"That's ridiculous," Eleanor retorted, "My husband is completely loyal to the Crown as you very well know."
"I don't doubt Lord John's loyalty. He is doing important business for me as we speak. But as for your own, I'd prefer to think you are here for another reason...because I do admire you so."
"For you to even think me capable of some sort of plot to gain information," Eleanor frowned, "Of course that is not true."
"Then my instincts are correct, but now you are being so shy about it," he studied her flushed face carefully, "Are you not used to this, my dear?"
"This?" Eleanor asked, her head feeling light.
"Seeking the company of a man that is not your husband," Tryon answered patiently.
Eleanor's heart twisted, it tearing with what she was facing. She wracked her brain to try to find a graceful way out of the situation, but to do so...if Tryon saw Jamie's name on the rolls, he would know what she was up to. And aiding a traitor was treason...her children would become orphans.
And she was so terrified to meet her death by hanging. It seemed like such an awful fate. Especially after John so vividly described it. And she had four children...and something else to consider. And with that, the choice was made.
"No, I must confess," Eleanor said, her voice low, "I'm not used to this at all."
He took and kissed her hand. "Then allow me to attempt to put you at ease, dearest Eleanor." He pulled her in to kiss her lips, gently, "Lord John is no where near here. And he never has to find out. Do not worry so. It is just you and I here. And I desire you very much. From the moment we have met, I saw something special about you and I think you feel the same way."
He pulled back to look at her, "Well? Do you?"
Eleanor stared at him and then nodded.
"Then stop acting so reserved," Tryon smiled at her, "Where is that spirited woman who has no qualms but to say exactly what she thinks?"
Eleanor forced herself to lean over and kiss him back, playing the part she had to portray. All the while, breaking her own heart...
Because she knew, she was single handedly destroying the marriage and the love of the man she adored.
She leaned back. She reached for the tie of her dressing gown, fiddling with it, but her fingers kept fumbling at the tie, not managing to undo it. He smiled at her as he reached out to still her hand.
"Do allow me," he said. He reached to untied her dressing gown letting it fall off her shoulders. "Are you nervous?"
Eleanor laughed, trying to conceal her true feelings- she was nervous, but her heart was full of despair and disgust at herself, what she was about to do. She adored John so much and found so much joy in the way they were connected. And she had promised him to be faithful. He had sacrificed so much to marry her and had accepted her the inconceivable truth of her life...and loved her in spite of the fact she was who she was- a woman from the future...and was so sympathetic to her feelings for another man. He was vulnerable and passionate with her, though it was contrary to his nature...and what he desired. And he loved her children as her own. God, how she hated herself!
"Utterly and completely." she said, her voice shaky.
"Don't be," he chided, "You are in very capable hands."
"I do not doubt it," she said, her throat dry.
Tryon fiddled with her hair, curling the ends round his finger. His arm was around her shoulder as they lounged on the couch. Eleanor's feet were curled on it as she rested against him. "What are you thinking?"
"I'm not certain," Eleanor answered, honestly. And that was true, their liaison had left her at a loss for words.
"Then another question for you," Tryon asked, "If I may." He gently moved her over and strode over to his desk, reaching for the brandy. He poured himself and her a glass and then brought it back to her.
Eleanor took it from him, gratefully, "Thank you."
"Of course," he said, opening up his arm for her and she slid back into it. "You have been married several times before. Have you always been faithful to those marriages?"
Eleanor clutched the glass, "No," she said, quietly. "But only once."
"Only once?" Tryon mused, "You are such a good girl. Well? What forced you into sin?" He was teasing her, but truth be told, her heart was shattered by what just happened.
Eleanor swallowed hard, "I was married to another highlander after Jamie's wife came back. He died before I married Lord John."
"I was unaware," Tryon said, frowning. "I'm sorry."
She nodded.
"Well, what happened?"
"When we were traveling to the West Indies, there was illness aboard another ship and Claire went to aid the crew as a healer. And we thought it had shipwrecked and Claire was dead."
"So, you and Colonel Fraser?" Tryon said, "Was he the one?"
She let out her breath, "Yes, he was."
"What is it about him?"
"You know him," Eleanor said, "He is unlike any man I have ever known. I'm always drawn to a different sort of a man. More scholarly. Less rugged."
"Ah, more refined. Like Lord John," Tryon said, kissing her shoulder. "And me."
"Yes," she whispered, "But Jamie...He just gets under my skin...and it's raw between us," her face flushed. "I don't know how to explain it."
"But it was only once?"
"Yes, only once. But that was enough for me...that is..." her voice faded.
"Until now," He turned her head and then kissed her, "I'm glad for it, Ellie."
He pulling away, "You said your husband died before you married Lord John."
"That's correct," Eleanor said.
"Hope," Tryon looked contemplative, "Is she Fraser's daughter then?"
Eleanor looked conflicted, "Hope is not illegitimate."
Tryon gave her a skeptical look. "I won't tell, Eleanor. She is, isn't she? The red hair...she looks just like him."
"You shouldn't press a lady into revealing her secrets," Eleanor chided, lightly.
Tryon took her hand, studying it, "But after tonight, I feel like it is not so proper betwixt us. Isn't that the case?"
"Very," She nodded, "Very well. You have puzzled it out, your excellency. She is Jamie's daughter. She was the result of that one night."
"I see," Tryon said, "No wonder then. If your one time resulted in a baby, it wouldn't be a surprise for you to not want to take the risk again. What changed your mind?" he asked. "For tonight?"
She stood and then reached for her dressing gown, wrapping it around her as he watched her, "Pregnancy isn't a risk to consider right now," she said, swallowing hard. She went over to the shelves. "May I borrow a book?"
"Of course," he stood, "Do you mean to tell me?" he looked at her intently and then swept over to her, "Does Lord John know you are carrying his child?"
She shook her head, reaching for a book, "What do you think of this one?"
"It's a good one. Very enjoyable," Tryon said, "Why haven't you told him?" he demanded.
"Well," Eleanor pulled the book off the shelf, "I don't know. I'm afraid I suppose."
"Of what?" he pressed.
"I'm afraid I won't survive this pregnancy," Eleanor whispered, her face pale. "I almost died giving birth to Hope."
"My poor dear," He reached and turned her face towards him, "You should tell him, Eleanor. And soon."
"I know," she whispered. "This one does look good."
"Tis good," Tryon said, "Come, I wish to get your perspective on something."
"On what?" Eleanor asked, taking his hand and allowing him to lead her to the couch.
"The insurgency," Tryon said, "I wish to end this unpleasantness. I must show that I can lead."
"I seriously doubt that you want my opinion on that."
"From the moment I met you, I knew how intelligent you were."
"A horrible vice for a woman," Eleanor said, with a catch to her voice.
"Who has given you that notion?" Tryon frowned, "Surely not Lord John."
"John would prefer if I was more discreet around company, but with him, it is not so," Eleanor said, "I do think he appreciates that I can think for myself, though he finds it troublesome when we disagree and I dig in my heels."
Tryon laughed, "I can only imagine. Well he is not here. So will you tell me your views?"
Eleanor nodded, "You need to figure out a way to give them a graceful exit to the situation..." she began.
"Tom," Eleanor said as John's valet entered the room, "I'm so sorry to disturb your sleep...but we must leave here. At first light."
"My Lady?" Tom frowned, "What has happened?"
"Nothing happened," Eleanor said, "Can you manage it? Tryon cannot...I cannot see him."
"Don't you want to wait for my lord?" Tom asked.
"No, time is of the essence," Eleanor said, "Will you please help me? I have to get to Mr. Fraser or the consequences will be dire."
Tom nodded, "Very well. Are you certain you are well, my lady?"
She nodded, not trusting her voice.
"I can arrange passage with a guide. Susanna should accompany you," Tom said. "And what should I do?"
"You should wait here for Lord John," Eleanor said.
"And what should I tell him?" Tom asked.
"I will give you a letter for him, explaining the situation with Mr. Fraser. You must ensure that letter does not leave your side and you directly give it to Lord John."
"Of course my lady. You can depend upon me," Tom nodded seriously, "But what will Governor Tryon say when you have left without a word?"
"Believe me," Her voice cracked, "He'll know full well why."
Tom studied her and then answered, carefully, "Be that as it may, my lady, you cannot just leave without a word. It would look as if..." he paused and then added, "you are ashamed of something that happened. It would look suspect and stir gossip for you to leave without a word."
Eleanor grew even paler as she let out a long breath, "Very well. I will leave a note for Tryon. I'll say I was called back to the Ridge. That one of the kids is sick. Will that do?"
Tom nodded, "Yes, my lady." He paused, "Should I send Susanna to you?" his voice was low. "You look unwell."
Eleanor shook her head, swiftly. "That is very considerate of you, Tom, but I am well. Thank you," she forced at smile at John's trusty valet. "I just need sleep."
"Rest well then, my lady," Tom said, quietly. He left her then, closing the door with a quiet click behind him.
Eleanor reached for the candle to snuff it out before lying on the bed, burying her head on the pillow and having a good cry.
"Bree, thank God," Eleanor eased off the horse, tethering it to a nearby post, "I need a favor."
"Ellie!" Bree looked at her, shocked, "What are doing here? Did you come alone? Where's Lord John?"
Roger came over to them and reached for the basket of laundry, taking it from Bree.
"I had a guide...and Susanna...I sent them to the big house, but asked them not to tell the children I was here. I have to find your father."
"Da is still out mustering the militia," Bree said, "With Luitentent Knox."
"I know," Eleanor responded, "And I have to find him...or listen Bree, he will be found out. I have to get to him. There is no time to waste."
Roger looked worried, "Are you sure, Eleanor?"
"I was with Tryon," Eleanor said, "I'm positive. The rolls of Ardsmuir are being sent from Tryon to Knox as we speak to see if they can figure out a connection with any one in the colony and Murtagh. And as we know, Jamie's name is on that roll. He has to be warned."
"Does Tryon have them?" Bree's eyes were wide. "Did he see them?"
"No," Eleanor bit her lip.
"How do you know?" Brianna demanded.
"I know, Bree. I made sure of it." Eleanor snapped. She paused, "God, Brianna, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you."
Bree looked at her intently, then her features softened, "When you said you made sure..." she paused. "Eleanor, what have you done?"
"He had caught me in his office trying to doctor the rolls. I had to let him assume...I was there for another reason." Tears spilled over Eleanor's face. "And now I have ruined my marriage in the process, but I will not let it be for vain. I have to find your father, Bree. Please. Please help me. I have to find Jamie."
"Of course, we'll help you," Bree said, gently, "But, are you okay?" she whispered.
"No," Eleanor shook her head. "Not only will I have to look upon the face of the man I love and tell him how I betrayed him, which is the most awful thing imaginable, I am also going to have to tell your father the truth of the matter, which by the way, that prospect is pretty awful in itself."
Brianna let out a long breath, "Da will understand," she said, firmly.
"No, he's going to think less of me, that he chose rightly to give me up for Claire...And John...He is so gentle and tender with me. And I have failed him in the worst possible way. I have to answer to two men for my indiscretions and God help me, I know I never deserved either of them," Eleanor said, shuddering.
"That's not true," Brianna said, softly. "You know that."
"I don't know that," Eleanor said, adamantly.
Bree and Roger looked at each other, concerned.
"Eleanor, I will take you to him," Roger said. "But won't you come in and rest first?"
"I already wasted time coming to Fraser's Ridge instead of directly where they are encamped. I just didn't know where they are."
"Aye," Roger said, "Where is Lord John though?"
"Tryon had sent him on some business. He was coming back, but I left before he did. I couldn't wait. I left him a note with Tom explaining the bit with the rolls and how I am leaving to warn Jamie."
"But you didn't tell him about Tryon?" Bree asked.
"John would confront Tryon if I did," Eleanor said, "so no."
Roger put a hand on Eleanor's shoulder, "Let me get some provisions and we will set out. We will get to Jamie in time, Ellie."
"Thank you," Eleanor whispered and Roger left.
Brianna reached for her hand, squeezing it.
"Please don't tell your mother about Tryon," Eleanor whispered.
"I would never," Brianna said, "We are friends too, Eleanor."
"Thank you," Eleanor said, wiping her tears as Bree squeezed her hand harder.
"You don't have to worry about telling Da," Brianna said, "He will understand why you did it. As for Lord John, Ellie, he loves you so."
"I know," Eleanor sniffed hard. "But the guilt in my soul...I can't even tell you."
Brianna pulled her in for a hug, holding her tightly.
Roger handed Eleanor a cup of hot tea. "We will rest for the night. You are practically falling off your horse."
She nodded, the fire flickering.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Roger asked, studying her.
Eleanor let out a breath, "Part of me just longs for home, but I have no idea where home is anymore."
"I can understand that," Roger said. "I canna help but think I dinna belong in this world."
"I know I don't belong here," Eleanor said, taking a sip of the tea, "I'm so out of my element."
"But ye have the wee rascals," Roger said.
"Yes, I do," Eleanor smiled into her mug. "Do you think Jamie would let me stay on Fraser's Ridge?"
Roger frowned, "Aye, I do, but I dinnae think it will come to that."
"No offense, Roger, but Bree was raped and it took you a while to get over it," Eleanor said, softly.
"Aye," Roger said, "And her father is still resentful of it. And while Lord John and Jamie Fraser are verra different, they have three things in common."
"What's that?" Eleanor asked, taking another sip of the warm beverage allowing it to soothe her.
"Honor, Justice," Roger paused, "and love for the same woman. Jamie will let you stay and help you with the family, but John willna cast ye aside, Ellie."
"And if I choose to stay at the Ridge?"
"Well, then," Roger gave her a look, "No offense, then ye would be just as stupid as I was when I took a while to get over Bree and Stephen Bonnet."
"That's the way of it," Eleanor smiled.
"Not that I wouldna welcome yer presence on the ridge," Roger said, "Ye are the only person that can push Jamie around and it is a delight to see."
She laughed, "I'm glad you appreciate it. And I am thankful for another ally against Jamie's distain for us heretics."
"Aye," Roger smiled at her, raising his mug to her, "To us heretics."
They rode hard into the next day, arriving early afternoon. Eleanor was exhausted as she handed Fergus the reigns to the horse. She leaned to greet Fergus with an impulsive hug. "It's so good to see you, Fergus. I've missed you," Tears sprung to Eleanor's eyes.
"Aye, mi lady," Fergus smiled at her, but his eyes were concerned as he studied her. "Are you not well, mi lady?"
She sniffed, "I am well all things considered. Where is Jamie? I need to talk to him urgently."
"Lass, what are ye doin here?" Jamie asked, stepping out of the tavern to greet her. "I couldna believe when they said they saw ye comin." He looked to Roger Mac, who shrugged. "Where are our bairns, Eleanor?"
"With Claire," Eleanor said, swaying slightly. "I'm sorry, I am a little...it's been a trying few days."
Jamie rushed forward, wrapping his arms around her waist. "I got ye, mo ghraidh. Lean against me. That's it," he soothed, immediately understanding something was terrible amiss with his former wife.
He turned to Roger, "How much has she eaten?" he demanded, going into his typical Jamie protective warrior mode, his brow creased in concern.
"Not much," Roger said, "And we rode hard. Time was of the essence."
"Aye, I can see that," Jamie frowning, disapprovingly, his arm still around Eleanor, "Fergus, please find Lady John something to eat. And Roger Mac too."
"Aye, mi Lord," Fergus said, worried eyes on Eleanor.
"I'm not hungry," Eleanor protested, her legs still shaking.
"Ye must eat to gather yer strength again," Jamie said, firmly. "No arguments."
"Very well," Eleanor said, softly, "I know arguing with you is futile."
"Aye," Jamie held her tight. "Come, mo ghraidh, we will talk privately in my room. Roger Mac." Jamie inclined his head for Roger to follow. Jamie held her by the crook of her elbow, leading her up the stairs. They entered his room and Jamie pushed her down to sit in the chair at the small table in his room. Eleanor leaned her elbows on the table and then buried her head in her hands. Jamie stared at her for a few minutes, trying to work out what was going on with her. Then, determined, he stepped over to pour a glass of water and put it on the table next to her. "Drink this, Eleanor. All of it." He paused and then reached out to squeeze her shoulder and lean down to kiss her head.
"What ever tis the matter..." he paused, "We will deal with it, mo ghraidh," he told her firmly.
"Will you promise me?" Eleanor said, still not being able to look at him. She sniffed hard.
"Aye, of course, I promise ye." He kissed her head again, "Dinna fash so. Yer safe here with me."
She nodded in her hands. Jamie inclined his head again at Roger and they stepped out.
"What the hell is goin on, Roger Mac?" Jamie demanded.
"She is goin to have to tell you," Roger said. "It is not my tale to tell. But it is important that she found you."
"Where is Lord John?" he asked. "And why is Eleanor traipsing through North Carolina on her own?"
"She said Tryon had sent him on some errand. He had called John and Eleanor to his palace for an urgent matter for the Crown. Apparently, John left her with Tryon for a few days while doing said errand."
"Does Lord John ken that she is here?"
"She said she left a note."
"She looks unwell."
"Aye," Roger nodded. "She is talking though, Jamie. She is just nervous. And scared."
"Aye, I can see that," Jamie frowned, "Stay out here, but leave the door cracked. I need privacy with her."
"Verra weel," Roger said, nodding.
Jamie came back into the room, Roger closing it all except for a little crack to give Jamie and Eleanor privacy.
Jamie went to sit next to her at the table. "Mo ghraidh," his voice was gentle. "Will ye no tell me what the matter is?"
Eleanor didn't raise her head. "Tryon is sending the rolls from Ardsmuir to Knox. He should be getting them at any time. He'll know you are a traitor unless you can stop it."
"Aye," Jamie frowned, reaching to touch her arm, "Tis troublesome indeed. But not, hopeless lass, now that I ken." He puzzled it out, "Aye. Tis not hopeless. It was verra important and verra brave of ye to come and warn me," He paused, looking at her slumped shoulders. "Eleanor, alainn ros, tis clear there is more to this. Will ye no tell me?"
"I really messed up, Jamie," Eleanor cried, behind her hands, especially hearing Jamie using one of his nickname for her. It was rare that he called her alainn ros since Claire came back, reserving that special name for their daughter. Mo ghraidh slipped out often especially in moments just between them, but the others that he branded her, he had dropped once their marriage ended. "I messed up so badly."
"Will ye no look at me?" Jamie asked.
"I can't," Eleanor said.
"What has happenend?" Jamie asked, gently. "Best just spit it out. It canna be that bad." He squeezed her arm gently.
"It's very bad, Jamie," Eleanor sobbed. "I did something awful."
"What did ye do?" Jamie struggled to keep his voice gentle, but he was beginning to feel panic in his gut.
"I was so worried that they would see your name...that Tryon would read the rolls himself and know...so I tried to fix it, Jamie." Eleanor didn't raise her head. "Tryon caught me."
Jamie rose suddenly, agitated, and began to pace around the room. "What did ye do?"
"I didn't know what to do. The damn rolls were in my hand. I couldn't figure out an exit strategy. I tried, Jamie. I tried to find another way. And I couldn't," Eleanor cried.
"What happened?" Jamie asked, his voice low.
"He made assumptions and I...I couldn't figure out how to get out the situation without him figuring out what I was doing...I tried. I tried to make excuses and he thought I was there for other reasons. I was in my nightgown. God, how stupid can I be?"
He turned on his heels, "Did you sleep with him, lass?" he asked, bluntly, his voice sharp.
"I did," Eleanor sobbed. "Otherwise, he would have figured out what was going on- that I was in there for some nefarious reason...he knows I don't support the Crown fully, that I am sympathetic...I was trapped."
Jamie slammed his hand against the wall, the whole room shaking under the force, Eleanor jumping from the sudden outburst from Jamie. She winced, her stomach dropping.
"Jamie please," Eleanor grimaced. "Please calm down."
"I can no calm down! I told John that you were going down a dangerous road with Tryon and that he needed to reel ye in. I ken that ye wouldna be able to extradite yerself if things got uncomfortable, but he no listened to me and now look at what has happened. Ye and Tryon. God help us all!" Jamie slammed his hand again, "Damn it, Eleanor! What have ye done?"
"Don't," Eleanor finally lifted her head. "Do not say you told me so, James Fraser, or I swear to God. I ruined my marriage because of this little game you are playing with Tryon...and everything I have always done was to protect our family, just like you do."
Jamie stilled, "Does John ken what ye have done?" His back was stiff and his chin titled in chagrin.
"No, not yet," Eleanor said, "And I am not ever seeing him again. I will never be able to face him and have a marriage with him...knowing I betrayed him and I did so to protect you. I'm so ashamed and disgusted with myself. And damn it, if you can't even look at me and are this angry, how is John going to feel?"
Jamie frowned, "I am lookin at ye, Eleanor."
"No, you are looking past me," Eleanor challenged. "You are avoiding my eyes. You think I am some awful person to do this..."
Jamie let out a long breath and then moved across the room to sit down at the table with her. "Give me yer hand, lass." He held out his hand.
"I don't want you to make me feel better," Eleanor snapped, ducking her head again.
"I dinnae think I am givin ye a choice," Jamie snapped back. "Put yer hand in mine."
"Fine!" She thrust her hand into his.
His tone moderated, "It was a reaction in my gut, Eleanor, but I am no angry at ye. More at the whole damn thing...and that ye were forced to make that awful choice. And I canna help but in that moment, see ye and Tryon together...and I canna deny it isna a pretty sight fer me."
"I know," her lip trembled, "It wasn't all that pleasant for me either, James."
"Mo ghraidh?" Jamie shifted to hold her hand between both of his hands.
"What?" Eleanor asked.
"I am looking at ye now, Eleanor." He said, softly.
Tears overflowed, "Jamie," Eleanor whispered, meeting his eyes, "Am I some awful person?"
"No," Jamie kissed her hand, "Ye are no an awful person. Ye are a verra gut person, Eleanor. A verra brave person."
"I can't face John. I just can't. What I did was awful.."
"Ye canna just never talk to John again. He is a reasonable man. He will understand the predicament ye were in."
"I know," Eleanor swallowed down her sobs, "But he shouldn't understand.. and I can never forgive myself for what I allowed to happen."
"Aye," Jamie looked her in the eyes, "I ken that is how ye feel. But ye must try, mo ghraidh."
"Jamie, please, for the love that we shared, you have to promise me, I won't have to face, John," Eleanor said, "I cannot look upon him and tell him the truth."
"Ah, mo ghraidh," Jamie kissed her hand, "I would do just aboot anythin for ye, but John is yer husband. I canna keep him from ye. Tis not right." He leaned his head against her hand, his forehead rubbing against it, "But I will tell him the truth fer ye if ye wish. As ye said, I am partially to blame fer putting ye in the middle with me between Tryon and our loyalty to Murtagh."
Eleanor's lip trembled, "Would you do that for me?"
Jamie nodded, "Aye, I would. I told ye that we would deal with whatever the matter tis."
Eleanor looked at him, "Do you hate me?" she whispered.
"Well, I canna say I am exactly pleased with ye," Jamie said, "but I couldna ever hate ye, lassie. And I ken yer heart is hurtin somethin awful right now."
"I love John, Jamie. I love him so much. He is such a good man. He deserves so much better than what I can give him."
"I ken ye do, but ye can give him plenty, Eleanor," Jamie said and then let go of her hand to lean over and pull her into his arms. "Give yerself a gut cry, alainn ros. I am here."
She fell apart in his arms, Jamie speaking gaelic in her ears in soft tones, comforting her.
"I want to be as brave and smart as Claire and I failed. She would have figured out a different way."
"Is that what ye think?" Jamie pulled away from her, "Ye are just as brave and just as smart as Claire, lass. Ye just dinnae hide yer feelings the way Claire can. She feels scarrit at times too."
"I should be more stoic...not let these things rattle me."
"No, ye shouldna," Jamie shook his head, looking at her intensely, "Yer open nature is what makes ye so endearing to all who ken ye weel. I dinnae wish ye to be any different than ye are...and I ken fer certain that John feels the same aboot ye as I do."
She nodded.
"Now, ye must eat somethin even if ye dinnae feel like it. Because as hopeless as it feels right now, ye still have four bairns at home, who need their mama to be strong fer them. Ye must go on livin, Ellie just as ye always have...and not let yerself give into despair."
"Okay," Eleanor whispered. "I'll try."
"Verra gut," Jamie said, "Ye do ken that ye were verra brave to come and warn me the way ye did."
"Will it make a difference?"
Jamie nodded, "Aye. Dinna fash aboot me, lassie."
"Lady John," Luitentent Knox bowed to her and she courtsied, "I didn't realize you were here"
"Ah, yes," Eleanor smiled, forcing warmth, "I had a matter about the children I needed to apprise Colonel Fraser of. I didn't know how long he would be detained here, so I made the trip."
"Won't you delight us with your company?" Knox asked, "I was asking Fraser to a light supper in my room."
"That would be wonderful," Eleanor said, her face flushed. "Thank you kindly for the invitation."
"My pleasure, Lady John," Knox said, bowing again before leaving the room.
Eleanor sat down on the bed and then leaned down to bury her head in the covers before jolting back up.
Jamie snorted in amusement, "I already checked the bed for wee buggers. There is nothing there."
"You know me so well," Eleanor plopped back down, in despair. "What am I going to do, Jamie?"
Jamie went to sit next to her on the bed. "Ye are goin to come with me to have supper with Knox. But lass, if I tell ye to turn around. I'm goin to need ye to follow my orders."
"You aren't going to kill him, are you?" Eleanor frowned, deeply.
"Ye have enough to fash over," Jamie said, evenly. "Ye did what ye thought ye must and now I will do what I must. And I willna ken what that is until in the moment. But in the moment, if I must act quickly, I must trust ye to obey what I tell ye."
She nodded, "Of course, Colonel Fraser. I am at your command."
Jamie raised his eyebrows, "I trust ye will be."
"Jamie," Eleanor bit her lip, "I am not going to make you angry with me. Because when John turns me out, the children and I will need you." she said, her voice full of forlorn.
"It willna come to that," Jamie said, adamantly, "Lord John would never do so."
"But things won't be the same ever again between us, will it?"
"Mo ghraidh," Jamie reached out to touch the end of her hair, tenderly, "You arena the first woman or man to have done this."
"But when you and Claire made those choices, you did so for each other," Eleanor said, "I was thinking of you, Jamie. And that's the difference."
"But were ye not also thinkin of Lord John?" Jamie said, quietly. "Fer Tryon kens that John was the warden at Ardsmuir, so if Tryon sees my name on the rolls and kens of the friendship between John and myself, then dinnae ye think John was also at risk?"
"I did," Eleanor said, slowly, "But that was during, not when I made the choice. Truth be told, I made the choice for our children...because if something happens to me..." she swallowed hard, "our children cannot grow up as orphans, especially in this harsh time. They need you. So yes, it was for you, but also for our children."
Jamie frowned deeply, "What are ye afraid of happenin to ye?"
Eleanor shrugged, "It doesn't matter." She stood, "I should fix my hair before supper. Put it up again."
Jamie shook his head, "I do not think it matters." He frowned, "Ye are lookin so weary, mo ghraidh."
"I'll be fine. I can push through," Eleanor said, fighting tears again, this time of exhaustion.
Jamie stood and then reached for her, pulling her against him. "I promise ye, that ye are safe."
She nodded and then dropped her head against Jamie, wearily.
"Your name?" Knox's voice held his disbelief. "I'm sure there are many Frasers where you come from."
Eleanor took a long sip of water, nervous.
"Aye, but tis I," Jamie said, patiently.
Knox tore open the ledgers and began to study them carefully, "James Alexander Fraser..." He scanned the list, "And Murtagh Fitzgibbons Fraser," he paused, "Great God. You are the one who has been aiding him."
"Eleanor," Jamie said, quietly, "Can you go wait outside?"
Eleanor immediately rose, but Knox's voice stopped her, "You knew. You came to warn Fraser of the rolls. You were with Tryon. Did he tell you about them?"
Eleanor froze, the look of terror on her face, "Yes."
Knox's mouth dropped open.
Eleanor sat back down, "Murtagh is Jamie's kin, but he is more than that. He is Jamie...and Mac's godfather...and he was my ex husband."
Knox looked at her stunned, "You are a traitor as well, Lady John."
"No, she isna," Jamie said, firmly, "And neither am I. He is my godfather. A member of my clan. I did what I must do...to protect my family."
"He is a criminal and a traitor," Knox rose, pounding his fist on the table, "And so our both of you." He paused, "And Lord John? I assume he knows of your torrid connection, Lady John. I always thought he was so loyal to the crown."
"He is loyal to the crown!" Eleanor said, adamantly as she rose, "Do not dare threaten my husband!"
"I will tell Tryon of this," Knox said, "I do not wish it...but there is no honor in any of this. You both will hang. It is what must be done." He headed towards the door but Jamie blocked him, rising to his full form.
"No, ye will naugh. And I willna let ye threaten Lady John...nor the rest of my family."
Eleanor's stomach dropped as she saw Jamie turn into protective mode.
They began to wrestle and struggle. "Turn around, Eleanor," Jamie grunted as he covered Knox's mouth.
Eleanor's eyes were wide in horror.
"Eleanor Fraser," Jamie snapped, struggling. "Now."
Eleanor immediately turned around, not even noticing Jamie's slip of tongue. The sounds of muffled struggle were awful until she heard a thump on the ground.
"Come," Jamie said, "Quickly."
Eleanor turned around to look at Knox, "Is he...?"
"Aye," Jamie went over and fiddled with the fireplace and smoke began to fill the room. "Mo ghraidh, Come. We must go through the window."
"Jamie..." Eleanor's eyes were wide.
"I will help ye. Come now," Jamie reached and tripped her arm, dragging her over to the window as she began to choke from the smoke.
Jamie and her went through the window and the ledge.
"The dress is making this difficult," she murmured, but Jamie had her. He shimmied down. "Let yerself fall. I'll catch ye."
Eleanor looked horrified again.
"Ye must trust me. Now," Jamie said and Eleanor let herself fall into his arms.
"Mi Lord," Fergus found them, "Knox is dead."
"Aye," Jamie said, looking to Roger Mac, "We must go now. And ride through the night. Come. Eleanor, ye canna be on a horse right now. Ye can ride with me."
She nodded as she allowed Jamie to lead her and help her on the horse.
"Lean back and rest, mo ghraidh," he said, quietly as he got on behind her, "I have ye."
She allowed herself to relax against him.
The more they rode, the more Eleanor fell into despair at the events of the night. Jamie had killed a man...in cold blood. And Knox was someone she knew Jamie considered a friend, who had always been kind and respectful towards her.
She began to sniffle in the quiet of the night, unable to hold back the tears.
Jamie finally stopped, signaling to Roger and Fergus. He got down and handed the reigns to Fergus. "Eleanor needs to rest a bit. We are far enough away that we can stop for a few minutes." He reached up to help Eleanor down, holding her until her legs stopped shaking, but the tears kept falling as she wiped them with the back of her hand.
"Come, let's talk," Jamie said as he pulled her away from the others- the moonlight illuminating their way as they went towards the river, Jamie holding the canteens. He filled one up and then handed it to Eleanor, "Take a drink."
She took a swig while Jamie filled up the other ones. Then he reached in his pocket, wet a cloth and handed it to Eleanor.
"Wash yer face and dry yer tears," He said.
She did his bidding and when she managed to look at him in the moonlight, he nodded to her.
"I dinnae wish to kill him."
"I know," Eleanor swallowed hard, "But you killed him in cold blood. He did nothing wrong. We were technically in the wrong."
"I ken," Jamie said, "But just as ye did what ye must with Tryon, I did what I must. It isna the first time.- And I dinnae think it will the last time I am forced to act in this way."
She closed her eyes tightly, "I suppose I knew that...but it is harder to swallow when you actually witness it. And Knox was kind."
"He had another side to him," Jamie said, quietly, "He killed one of the regulators without no a trial-out of anger. He wasna entirely innocent. And he threatened ye. And the Ridge. If I hadna acted, the consequences would have been dire."
"I know that," Eleanor said, swallowing hard, "You do not have to justify your actions to me. I understand why you did. I just wish that it was like this...that we weren't faced with these crazy awful choices...and justifying things that should never be justified...like its the norm...or that its okay."
Jamie took a step towards her, "I am sorry fer it. Fer all of it, mo ghraidh. Ye have such a tender heart and I dinnae wish to ever see ye be so burdened by this world."
Her lip trembled, "You cannot shield me from all of it. I cannot be so innocent in this world. I know that. But I feel like...it's destroyed my soul. Because I love you, Jamie. I love you in spite of it. Just as I know you did for what I have done."
"Aye, I ken," Jamie reached out for her hand and she took it. "I do feel like the reason that ye were sent to me...is so I could protect that bonny soul of yers. And I have spent years trying to do so...so ye wouldna lose yerself...what is important to ye...what makes ye verra much Eleanor. And I have failed the task God has given me."
"I cannot deny that I have lost some of Eleanor," she whispered, "But I have also gained strength and bravery...and fierceness...and that has come from you, James Fraser. You brought so much out of me. I have compromised some...and I hate myself for it...but that isn't on you. It's on me. And when it comes down to it, I have to answer for my own soul."
"I ken," Jamie said, "But I canna help but feel responsible fer ye. I feel like I broke yer already broken heart all over again."
"I am just tired," Eleanor said, wiping her tears. "So everything seems so much more heightened. Do you think we can stop longer to rest?"
Jamie shook his head, "No, I think we need to get further away from here and closer to the Ridge. Ye can try to rest against me."
"Okay," Eleanor sighed, trying to gather her strength. "We should go then."
"Aye," Jamie squeezed her hand. They began to walk back to the others, "I dinnae make ye strong, Eleanor. Or brave. Or fierce. That was always within ye. And all of those qualities are is what is goin to make ye continue to live."
She nodded, swallowing down the lump in her throat, unable to say more.
Jamie held the horse as Eleanor got down. They had ridden hard through the night.
Her back was stiff and she was sore, her body feeling like it was taking a beating.
"Don't go far," Jamie said, his voice low.
Eleanor nodded and went to take care of her business. When she came back, her face was pale.
"What is it?" Jamie asked, frowning at her expression.
"May I speak to you?"
"Aye, of course..."
Eleanor inclined her head away from Fergus and Roger and Jamie stepped away from the men with her.
"I..." she began to cry. "I think something is terribly wrong with me."
"What is goin on?" Jamie frowned.
"I'm bleeding...a lot. I thought the cramps I was having was nothing...but they have come and gone since we left."
Jamie put a hand on her arm, "Are ye on your cycle, mo ghraidh?" he asked, his voice was gentle.
She shook her head. "No."
"How far along do ye think ye are?" Jamie asked, his brow furrowed in concern.
"I haven't had a cycle in four months. John isn't as good as keeping track as you are...and...he had gone back to the plantation for a while with William, you remember? He had just returned when Tryon called on him and I wanted to wait until the babe quickened to tell him...just in case. Jamie, I'm really scared."
Jamie let out a long breath, "It's goin to be fine, lass. I'm going to have Roger ride for Claire and in the meantime...I can wait with ye...fer whatever comes."
Eleanor crumpled over, sobbing, her hand on her stomach. "I'm being punished."
"No!" Jamie immediately reached for her, pulling her into him. "Ye mustn't think that. It dinna work that way, Eleanor."
"It feels like it."
"Aye, I ken," he stroked her hair, gently, "But ye mustn't think like that. I have ye. We'll do this together." He pulled her away from him, wiping away the plastered hair from her face, "Like we did with Mac, remember?"
"You won't leave?" Eleanor heaved, "It isn't proper...and..."
Jamie snorted, "I dinna care what is proper or no. I made a vow to ye and while I canna keep all of them...I can keep this one...I will care fer ye until Claire comes. Now, dinnae argue with me. Ye need to save yer strength." He pushed her down on a log, "I am going to talk to the others. Fergus will stay with us. Ye dinna mind him, do ye?"
"I love Fergus, you know that."
"I do," Jamie said, "As he loves ye. Roger will go fer Claire...and ye and I will find a place to rest...there is an old abandoned cabin nearby...we'll go there."
"Jamie," Eleanor reached up and grasped his arm hard, "Hope's birth was hard. I could...I mean...I could...if I...even if Claire does come in time...just please don't leave me."
"I told ye," Jamie looked at her evenly, "I am not leaving you, Ellie." He studied her, "Is that what ye meant earlier...aboot not wantin our children to grow up as orphans?"
She nodded, unable to speak.
He leaned down and kissed her head, roughly, overcome with emotions, "I should have ken. I assumed ye were so weary because of the past few days. But I remember weel how ye are when ye are expecting our bairns. Ye should have said something. We shouldna have ever ridden that hard," He frowned, perturbed.
She shook her head, "It probably has nothing to do with it," she said, softly. "And I pushed myself well before last night to get to you. But it was a choice I made. I honestly didn't think it would have been bad for the babe."
"I must talk to Roger Mac. The sooner he can get to Claire, the better."
Eleanor nodded, "Go on. I'll be fine for a few minutes."
Jamie gave her one last worried look before taking long strides to where the men were standing.
"Do ye want to see her?" Jamie asked, his voice low. He held the baby in the palm of his hand.
Eleanor bit her lip, "Is she..." she hesitated, unable to say the words.
"She is verra bonny. Wee fingers and toes and eyelashes."
Eleanor peered at the child, "Oh God. She is perfect." Her face crumpled at she rubbed a finger against her cheek. "Jamie. This hurts so badly. She has John's chin."
"I ken," Jamie whispered. "But ye should name her. It is only right."
She reached into her small bag and pulled out a handkerchief, "It's John's. Can you...wrap her in this for me?"
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Of course."
She watched as Jamie tenderly wrapped the baby, which was only the size of an avocado and light as a feather in the handkerchief.
"Mercy," Eleanor said.
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Wee Mercy it is. I will go bury her. Say a prayer over her. And ye."
"Jamie," Eleanor reached for him, to stop him, "I cannot bear to leave her here. She is so tiny."
"Aye," Jamie said, quietly. "I ken. But she is with God now, alainn ros." He reached out with his free hand, to touch her face, cupping it. "I'm so verra sorry fer it, mo ghraidh."
"Say a prayer over her," Eleanor said. "And sing a song."
"Aye," Jamie nodded. "Which one?"
Jesus loves me.
"Aye, of course," Jamie leaned over to kiss her cheek, "I love you."
"I love you too."
Jamie left her alone, inclining his head towards Fergus who was wiping away his tears.
"Watch over her, while I do this," Jamie said.
Fergus nodded and went over to sit next to Eleanor, who had turned to bury her head in the blanket, trying to fight the pain of it all. Fergus reached out to clasp her hand as she struggled to keep the tears at bay.
And when Jamie came back, Eleanor looked at him, her breathing labored. "Is she safe?"
"Aye, I found the perfect spot in a grove fer her," Jamie said, sitting on his knees beside her. "She'll be protected."
She closed her eyes tightly. "I wish John was here," she said, softly.
"Aye, I ken."
Eleanor began to sob, "I know she wasn't our child, but I need you, Jamie to help me. I feel as if there is this huge weight on me...and I cannot get it off of me."
Jamie immediately took her into his arms, "I have ye. Let yerself weep over yer bairn, mo ghraidh. I will hold ye into ye can bear the pain better."
And true to his word, Jamie held her, tightly, as she wept against him, broken hearted, fulfilling his vow to her...that he would walk by her side through the pain of this world, bearing it with her, so she could bear it better.
Eleanor looked out at the river, sitting on a log. Her hair was blowing in the breeze and the day was cool. She had forgotten her shawl. Thankfully between Bree, Marsali and Claire, the children were cared for and happy, allowing her this time to flee, knowing what was happening now between Jamie and John. She had tried to remain with the others as long as she could but as the time passed, the more panicked she had become. Claire put a hand on her shoulder and told her to go for a walk.
She didn't know how long she sat there, looking at the sun reflecting off the water, plagued by her own thoughts.
She was lost in her despair, chilled by the cool air, unable to move. But then she felt the warmth of her shawl being wrapped tightly around her, hands resting for a minute on her arms...John was here.
Eleanor took a deep breath, but didn't say anything. The log shift as John sat next to her on the log. She gripped the shawl, tangling the ends in her fingers.
"You do not have to say anything, Eleanor. Or look at me," John said, staring out into the water, himself. His voice was low, but very gentle. "But I wish to be with you. You cannot face this alone. And nothing Jamie has told me, can ever change...what I feel for you in the depths of my soul. I love you, Eleanor. I need you to know that is not going to change. You can push me away. You can allow guilt to ruin our marriage. Or you can fight this despair with me. I beg of you...choose the latter."
Eleanor leaned over, elbows on her knees, her head buried in her hands. "I don't want to push you away, John. But I do not know how not to."
"It is a choice, Eleanor."
"What if I can't...what if I ruined everything special between us?"
"I do not believe that you have," John said, quietly. "I would be lying to you if I said that it will be a pleasant endeavor. It will not. We both made choices that led to what happened. And we must acknowledge those choices, learn from them and become better. And doing so will certainly be difficult. But I am willing to go into the depths with you, Eleanor, for our marriage...and for you. Not out of honor, but very much out of love."
She straightened, wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand and then leaned over to drop her head on John's shoulder.
He moved his arm to wrap it around her waist and they sat like that in silence for a while, before John said, "We are going away again. Just you and I. Tryon has backed off this business with the regulators and Jamie will be home for a while. The children are settled at the Ridge for the moment. And you and I will only use the children as a distraction not to do what must be done."
"Okay," she said, softly. "I'm scared."
He made a noise and then pulled her closer, "I can imagine so. But being so, is not a reason not to do it."
"Very well," Eleanor said, snuggling into him more, "Where are we going, Lord John?"
"Where do you wish to go, Lady John?"
"Let's go find the ocean," She responded.
"The sea it is," John said.
"I do love you, John," Eleanor said, softly. "Please don't doubt that."
"I have never doubted that," John murmured.
"Is it enough?"
"Yes, I believe it is," he responded, "Come, we have been away long. We must pack and settle the children for us being away again. Especially Hope."
"She will not be happy," Eleanor said, frowning at the thought. "We just got back. And now Jamie is back..."
"She must learn to see Jamie as her father," John said, "This will help with that. He is more than capable of handling her tantrums. God knows he has had his share of practice with the others. This was Jamie's suggestion. He is willing to have the kids for as long as we need."
Eleanor shook her head wearily, "Okay then."
"Lady John," He stood, offered his hand, and Eleanor and he went back, hand in hand to the Ridge...silent, but determined.
A/N: :( Up next: Jamie learns that parenting four children is more difficult than three...and Eleanor and John face their past and look to the future...