A/N: Thank you all for the lovely reviews! Sorry this chapter took a bit longer, we are in the middle of a move-ah, moving can get stressful! Hopefully we can get things calmed down soon! Thanks again for all who continue to read...and special thanks for all who take a moment to drop a review- can't tell you how much the encouragement means!
Chapter 39:
"Hope go with Mama and Papa," Hope whined, clinging to Eleanor's legs. "No go. Hope no stay here. No wanna Jay-me."
Eleanor's hand reached down to rub Hope's head, "Sweetheart. Darling, you'll be fine. You stayed with Claire and were happy as can be."
Jamie frowned. He was holding a tearful Rosie in his arms and the boys were even more subdued.
"Ye are comin back, right mama?" Sam asked, tugging at her arm.
Eleanor tore her attention away from Hope, who chosen to sit down in the dirt at Eleanor's feet, her head against her ankles, her arms wrapped around her legs.
"Sam!" Eleanor was aghast, "Of course, I am!"
"Ye just left, Mama," Mac said, his frown deep.
Eleanor turned to John, her eyes meeting his. She didn't dare say anything, but the plea was clear. If this was going to cause too much distress to the children, she thought it wasn't a good idea.
"Sam, come to me," John knelt down, "Mac, you come here too."
The boys went immediately to their step father and Eleanor picked up Hope and held her close, trying to prevent the tantrum that was so clearly coming.
"Now, you both must listen to me very carefully," John said, his voice low, but characteristically calm and soothing. "Your mama and I are coming back. I promise you- I will return her in one piece. You do not have to worry about that."
"Why can't we come, Papa?" Sam asked.
"Because as much as we both love raising you and being a family together, sometimes adults need their privacy," John said."Mama has had a difficult few weeks and while your mother and I...and your Da and Claire have decided against telling you all the particulars, please trust me when I say, that it is very important for your mama to have some time to rest."
Mac nodded, seriously, "Mama has seemed different," he whispered.
"You are always so perceptive, James Mackenzie," John put a hand on his stepson's shoulder, "Your mother is weary. And needs a bit of time to restore her health. It was Claire's orders...and we know how seriously we all take Claire's advise."
"Aye, she is a gut healer," Sam said, seriously.
Eleanor bent down to where they were. "I don't want to leave you boys. I never ever want to leave you. But Papa is right. I am so very tired. And not feeling the best. Some time with Papa will be just what I need, so I can be a better mother to you both."
"Ye already are the best mama!" Sam said.
"Aye, Sam is right," Mac nodded, seriously, "There is no un like ye, Mama."
Eleanor's heart melted, "You two are way too generous to me," she said, reaching for them, holding them tight. "Be good for Da. Don't give him too much trouble, loves."
They both kissed her and Eleanor rose with Hope, who still had her head buried in her neck, crying.
"Come, boys," Claire reached for both their hands, "I have just the thing to help. Fresh cookies."
Eleanor smiled at Claire, who led both the boys inside.
She reached for Rosie, giving her a hug. "I love you, Rosie-girl."
Rosie leaned to kiss her, "I'm going to sing my favorite things when I'm sad."
Eleanor laughed, "I'm so glad, baby. Da will help you with that."
"Aye, of course, I will, if ye willna mind reminding me of the words," Jamie said, giving his daughter a gentle smile.
"Aye, I can," Rosie said, "Ye must learn it, Da. It helps ever so much."
John laughed at Rosie and then leaned to give her a kiss, "Goodbye Lady Rose."
"Goodbye, Papa," Rosie said, leaning to kiss him back. "I love ye."
John's heart nearly melted. "I love you too, sweetheart."
"Ye are a sweet wee lass," Jamie smiled at his daughter, kissing her affectionately. "Rosie, can ye go with Bree and help Jemmy?"
"Aye," Rosie nodded and Bree reached out her arms for her sister.
"Come on," Bree said, "He is making a mess in the mud."
Rosie stopped with Bree to give Eleanor another hug before being happily distracted by her big sister.
Hope, however, was still clinging to Eleanor, "Hope go too."
John came up beside Eleanor.
"Hope," He reached out a hand to rub her back, "You are going to stay with your Da."
"No Papa," Hope cried, "I want ye and Mama. No go. Hope go too. Pleeeeeease. Hope go too."
John leaned and kissed her head, "We will be back in a few days. You must try to be a good girl."
"No good girl. Hope be bad girl," Hope said, adamantly.
"Oh good Lord," Eleanor exchanged a look with Jamie.
"Hope, that is very naughty," John scolded, reaching out to put her hand on her head. "You must not say such things."
"Hope wanna Papa and mama!" Hope cried. "No go away!"
Eleanor held Hope tighter, "I know, sweetheart. But you are with your brothers and sister. You'll have fun with them and your Da."
"No Da!" Hope cried. "No Da! No wanna Da! No Jay-me!"
"Ye canna reason with a two year old, lassie," Jamie said. "She will learn."
John leaned to whisper in her ear, "You need to give her to Jamie and walk away. Hope needs to know that you trust Jamie as her father or she will never accept his authority."
Eleanor sighed, hugging Hope tightly as Hope began to wail. "Jamie, are you sure...?"
"Dinna fash, mo ghraidh," Jamie said, "the wee un will adjust. Give her to me."
"If I rip her away from me, it is going to be a full blown tantrum," Eleanor said.
"I dinnae think ye can prevent it at this point," Jamie said, "I am used to tantrums, Eleanor. Hope is my daughter and she will learn to obey me and trust me to be her father. It will only be harder as time passes. Now is the right time for this."
Eleanor looked to John, who nodded at her.
Eleanor kissed Hope one more time, "Da will take good care of you. Be a good girl. I love you," She gave her a kiss and then carefully pried Hope's hands from her, thrusting her towards Jamie. Tears filled her eyes as Hope began to wail loudly.
"Safe travels, mo ghraidh," Jamie leaned to kiss her cheek, while wrestling with Hope, who was flinging herself back in Ellie's direction.
John took Eleanor's hand and led her away, Hope's cries piercing her heart.
Brianna approached Jamie and Hope. "Can I take her?"
"Nah," Jamie said, still wrestling with her, trying to prevent the child from biting him. "I have her."
"Hope wanna mama or papa or Bree," Hope wailed. "Hope no want you. Hope no like you."
Mac came out onto the porch, a cookie in his hand, "What is she hollering aboot?"
"She is sad that yer mama left," Jamie said. "She'll be fine."
"She dinnae sound fine," Sam said, following his brother. "She sounds mad as a hornet, Da."
Claire followed the boys out, a frown on her face. "Hope, sweetheart, why don't you play with your sister and Jemmy?"
"I want my mama!" Hope screamed. "Mama no go away."
"She'll be back, leannan," Jamie said, still trying to stop her from attacking him. "Christ." Jamie swore as Hope bit him. "Do that again and ye will be spanked. Do ye hear me?"
Hope screamed louder.
Bree looked up from her spot next to Rosie and Jemmy in the mud.
"Let me take her, Jamie," Claire said. "She won't bite me, will you, Hope?"
Hope shook her head and lunged herself towards Claire.
"Verra weel, Sassanach," Jamie said. "But I canna have ye savin her every time. She must learn to respect me as she does everyone else."
"Hope dinna like ye!"
"Hope, that's mean!" Mac said. "Da is the best!"
"I wanna Papa!"
"Papa is verra gut too," Sam said, nodding seriously, "But Da loves ye, Hopey."
"Mama go bye bye," Hope wailed.
"Aye, but she'll be back," Mac reached up for her hand as Claire snuggled her.
"It's alright, sweetheart," Claire murmured. "I know you want your mama. Let's go inside and I will rock you for a bit."
Seeing Claire had the situation in hand, Jamie put a hand on each of his boy's heads, "Come with me, laddies. Ye can help feed the horses."
"Oh boy!" Sam reached up to take Jamie's hand. "Can we ride after?"
"Aye," Jamie nodded. "It is time ye learned."
Mac frowned at Jamie, "Will Mama be okay with that?"
Jamie glanced at Bree who overheard the conversation and smirked. As much as Jamie was laird over Fraser's Ridge, it was clear in the children's eyes that Ellie had quite a bit of power on her own.
"Of course," Jamie nodded, "Am I not yer Da?"
Mac nodded seriously, "Aye, but Mama likes her say."
Jamie threw back his head and laughed, "Aye, that she does, Mac, my laddie. That she does."
Eleanor was quiet through the long journey east. John didn't press her to talk to him as he knew there would be plenty of time for that. He was attentive as usual, making sure she was comfortable and her basic needs were being attended to, without her even having to ask. There were moments when her expression would change and the anxiety would be clear on her face and in those moments, John would either reach and lightly grasp her fingers or put a light hand on her arm or knee. The tension was palatable but John did his best to try to ease it.
They stopped at a small coaching inn. Eleanor had been shown to their room, while John made the arrangements for the luggage and food. Eleanor looked around the cramped quarters. She shrugged off her traveling coat and untied her hat, draping the coat over the chair and putting the hat on the dresser. She sank down in the chair at the table and buried her head.
John came in a few minutes later. "Supper will be in a few minutes. They'll bring it up."
"Good," Eleanor nodded, rubbing her temples. "Thank you for making those inquiries."
"She speaks," John said, dryly.
Eleanor bit her lip at his sarcasm, "I'm sorry if I have been quiet."
"If?" John titled his head.
"Very well, I'm sorry that I have been quiet. I didn't feel like forcing conversation."
"There has never been a need to force conversation betwixt us for I'm quite accustomed to your desire for quiet introspection...yet, I am afraid I am not used to the resulting tension betwixt us," John said, sitting down and then reaching out to rub her arm when her eyes filled with tears, "But I do believe it will become more comfortable betwixt us as we settle the matters that are plaguing both of us."
She nodded, fighting for her composure and falling quiet again.
"What is it, Eleanor?" John finally said.
"I'm not certain if I can...I'm afraid to try..." She fumbled, trying to find the right words. "Oh God. I don't want to make things worse."
"What is it?" John pressed. "If you tell me, then I can address your concerns. Try as I might, I cannot read your mind. And clearly, whatever you are worrying about is adding to the tension betwixt us."
"Very well," She swallowed hard, "I suppose I wish to say..." she paused.
"Go on," John gave her an encouraging nod, his hand still on her arm.
"I do not wish to force intimacy between us. I know we must try...but I'm having a hard time...wrapping my head around it after what happened."
"I'm not forcing you to my bed, Ellie," John said, quietly. "We can share a bed without having relations. We have done so before. You didn't have to sleep with Rosie last night," John said, his eyebrow raised.
She winced, "That wasn't the reason."
John frowned, "It was very much the reason and we both know it," he challenged. "However," he paused, his tone gentling, "I am not offended by it. Nor I am offended by you not wishing to do so now. We will find what makes us special again...and find joy in each other, in and out of our marriage bed."
"Do you really believe that?" Eleanor asked, despairingly. "Because the thought of it..."
"What distresses you about the prospect?" John asked, searching her eyes.
"I just feel so much guilt and I am so afraid that I won't be able to put that aside to be with you in this way...and if I can't that you will think even worse of me."
John's expression immediately softened. "Do not fear. Please." He offered his hand and she took it, him kissing her hand, sweetly. "We are both weary tonight from traveling...and when we arrive at our destination," he paused, "We don't have to force relations betwixt us, Eleanor."
"But if you want a child..." Eleanor paused, "I'm only getting older...seemingly by the day. Our time is running out. I can...force myself if we need me to. God knows I have done so before," she froze, realizing how that sounded, "not with you...at least after that first few times," she winced, but John squeezed her hand, reassuringly.
"I knew your meaning," John said." He paused, searching for his words and when he spoke next, his tone was very gentle and measured...
"The truth is…" John looked deeply into her eyes, "I do not wish that at all...to have you in that way. We worked so hard for our marriage bed to not to be one of obligation. And I don't believe it has to resort to being that, for the sake of conceiving a child. This is about us taking steps forward and doing so would only be moving backwards."
"But..." Eleanor let out a long breath.
"My darling," John kissed her hand again, "You are worrying for naught. We are spending this time together and by the end of it, you'll be ready again. I'm certain of it. Will you not trust me to be the man who seeks to know and understand your heart above all else?"
She nodded. "I'm just anxious."
"I know you are," John said, "I don't blame you for being so, but while we do have much to discuss, I am not going to berate you for anything that has happened. Please, just calm yourself and attempt to meet me half way in this."
"Very well. You're right. I will try to."
"Very good," he squeezed her hand.
"But can I ask a favor of you?"
"Of course you may."
"After supper, will you please check the bed for me?"
John laughed, "Of course. I always do. I'll make sure there are no little critters occupying the bed with us."
She leaned down to rest her head on his arm, "Thank you."
"Of course," John smiled as he rubbed her head, soothingly. "And as for the children..."
Eleanor lifted her head, "I didn't say anything about the children..."
"But you have been thinking of them all day, have you not?" John asked, "Especially how Sam thought you aren't coming back...and how Hope was wailing when we left?"
She nodded, "Do you think Jamie can handle all four?"
"I think you should never underestimate Jamie Fraser."
"You're right….but Hope is going to give Jamie a fit. She rivals Sam at times."
"Yes, I believe you are correct," John kissed her hand, "However, Jamie can handle our daughter...for she is his daughter as well. It will be good for both of them."
"If you say so," Eleanor looked skeptical, but before they could say anymore to each other, there was a knock on the door as their food arrived.
"Hope no like this!" Hope pounded her hands on the table. "Yucky. Hope no like! Hope no eat!"
Jamie grunted, with a glance at Claire, who raised her eyebrows. Brianna and Roger looked at each other and Fergus took a long sip of wine.
"Da, I don't want to eat it either," Sam said, pouting. "I ken Claire made it and all, but leafy greens are the worst!"
"Aye, I ken it isna yer favorite, but it is gut fer ye, Samuel. Ye will eat a few bites."
"Aye," Marsali said, brightly, "It isna too bad, but I agree with ye, Sam. It isna my favorite either."
"But if Hope doesn't have to, then..."
"Hope is still a wee un," Jamie said, "And I dinnae say Hope dinnae have to."
"I dinnae like it either," Germain pouted.
"Now, none of that," Marsali said, "Sam is goin to eat it and ye are too. Isna that right, Sam?" She gave him a pointed look.
"Aye, Marsali, but I dinna want to."
Fergus smiled gently at his brother and reached for his fork, "Let me help you, Samuel." He shoved the greens into his brother's mouth and then handed him some milk. "Swallow it, it will take the taste out for ye. I remember the time when I was a wee boy livin on the streets and I had to eat all sorts of distasteful things, that is until mi Lord came along."
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Leafy greens is nothin compared to that. I once had to eat grass. Trust me, Claire makes these a whole lot more appetizing then they could be."
Sam's eyes grew wide, "I guess that's true. But what aboot Hope?"
"Never mind Hope," Marsali said, shoving a forkful in Germain's mouth. "That is not any of yer concern. Ye must set an example for yer wee sister, Samuel."
"Hope, no!" Rosie screeched as Hope snatched her dolly from where she was sitting on the bench next to her. "Ye canna take Violet! Hope!"
"Enough," Jamie reached for the doll and pried it from Hope's fingers, "Ye shouldna have yer dollie at the table, Rose," he snapped. "Tis not playtime."
Rosie's sensitive soul shattered at Jamie's harsh rebuke. "But..." she began to sob. "I need Violet. Mama and Claire both let me." Her face crumpled as she buried her head in the table and sobbed. "I want Mama and Papa."
"Rosie sad," Hope grunted, reaching out to put her arms around her sister.
"Aye, because ye snatched her dollie," Jamie said.
"Jay-me yell," Hope said, seriously, her eyes wide. "Rosie sad."
"It's alright, Hope. Rosie just misses your mama and Papa," Brianna rose and came over to her sister, scooping her up and then taking her back to her seat next to Roger and Jemmy. "Fergus can you pass me Rosie's plate?"
Fergus smiled at Bree and passed Rosie's plate.
Jamie's expression softened at his daughters and their clear bond, but then his expression changed as he got chucked with a plate of leafy veggies from his youngest daughter.
"Oh, now she has done it," Mac said, his eyes wide. "Not even Sam would throw his food at Da," he told Claire, seriously, who was trying to hide her laughter. Roger choked down some of his wine.
Jamie turned to him, "It isna funny," he grunted.
"Aye, I ken. It's just..." Roger struggled, "She's inherited her mama's knack of pushing yer buttons."
Jamie's eyebrow rose, "Aye, that she has." He wiped the food off his arm and stood, picking up Hope, who was banging her hand against the table, "Come with me, mo bloblain. It is time fer a wee chat."
"Oh boy," Sam said, "Hope is in fer it."
"Hush," Marsali said as Jamie shot his youngest son a scathing look.
"We can have a wee chat afterwards if ye dinna mind yer own business," Jamie said before leaving the room and they heard the door to the porch click shut.
Fergus cleared his throat, "Perhaps, Marsali and I could take the lads fer the night," he suggested to Claire.
Claire began to clear the table, "That is a kind offer, but I think Jamie wishes for the children to be close by the first night Ellie is away."
"Perhaps Da will understand more fully what Eleanor struggles with every day," Brianna said, leaning over to kiss Rosie's head. "I think part of all of this is that Ellie is exhausted to keep up."
"I don't disagree," Claire responded. "I think this time will be good for Eleanor, but also good for your Da." They heard Hope began to wail and Claire sighed. "Though, I think perhaps it is going to be a very long night."
"Here," Marsali stood, "I'll help ye clean up."
Bree popped Rosie into Fergus's arms. "Me too."
Jamie shut the door behind him, Hope in his arms, looking up at him with wide eyes-Eleanor's pale blue eyes. He never noticed how much his daughter's looks were changing to resemble his former wife- though her hair was still thick reddish curls.
"Ye canna throw food or cause such a stir at the supper table," Jamie said putting her down and kneeling next to her. His hand was firmly on her arms, holding the squirming child in place. "Ye are a wee un, but ye must learn the proper way to behave...and ye are auld enough to ken that ye arena allowed to do such things."
"Hope be bad," Hope grunted, "Wanna Mama and Papa."
"Aye," Jamie looked at her seriously, "I ken ye do. But both yer Mama and Papa wouldna be too happy to see ye behavin in such a way, especially yer Papa."
"Hope make Papa mad?" she asked, seriously.
"Aye, I think ye would made him upset with ye."
"Jay-me mad too?"
"Considering ye hit me with yer leafy veggies, I canna say I am pleased with ye," Jamie said, seriously.
"Jay-me spank Hope?"
Jamie nodded, "Aye, I think that would be fair. Don't ye think?"
Hope's face twisted into a pout, "But Hope no wanna be spank. Hope no like when Papa spank Hope. Hope no like when Mama spank Hope. No wanna Jay-me to spank Hope." She began to wiggle, wail, and stomp her foot.
"Nobody likes to be spanked, but ye canna behave like this and not be punished," Jamie told her, sternly and then sat down on the steps, grabbed her to pop her over his knee and give her a few well deserved smacks. Hope wailed louder and when he sat her back down, she rubbed her bottom with one hand and stuck her thumb in her mouth.
"Jay-me not nice," she said, indignantly. "Hope not like Jay-me."
Jamie frowned at her, "Hope, leannan, do you not remember what we talked about?"
Hope shook her head.
"Ye should call me Da like yer brothers and sister. I am yer Da too."
Hope's eyes grew wide, "Jay-me can spank Hope because he is Da?"
"Weel, aye, but I would have anyways, Da or no, since Mama left ye in my care," he said. "Can ye come to me and we can have a wee chat?"
Hope looked hesitant, still rubbing her bottom and sucking her thumb.
"Come now, I dinnae bite," Jamie said, "Unlike someone we ken."
"Hope bites when Hope mad," Hope said.
"I ken," Jamie patted his lap, "Come and let me hold ye, lassie."
Hope wiggled and then toddled over to Jamie. He picked her up and put her in his lap, arms around her.
"I ken ye miss yer Mama. Rosie and Sam and Mac do too. But Mama needs to rest with Papa. And we are a family too. Ye must try to be a gut lassie while ye are here."
Hope wiggled away from Jamie. "Da is big. Da scares Hope."
Jamie was startled. He didn't realize how much his keeping his distance from Hope changed her perspective of him verses how the other children responded to him...because while he could use his stature to coerce the children to obey, he also was gentle and reasoned with them and took great pains to cuddle and care for them, which offset some of the intimidation.
"Ye dinna have to be scarrit of me," Jamie said, seriously, "I willna hurt ye. I love ye, Hope."
"Da loves Hope?" Hope looked confused.
"Of course, I do," Jamie said, then looked resolute. He gave her a kiss. "Now, go find Claire and say yer sorry fer throwing her food. She worked hard to make it."
Hope nodded and slid off his lap.
Jamie sighed and put his hand in his head for a moment, rubbing his eyes. He needed a plan.
Eleanor braided her hair, her mind on the children. She sighed loudly as she twisted the ribbon around the end. John came from around the partition where he had taken care of his personal needs. "Your turn."
"Ah," Eleanor frowned, "I fear some things I will never get used to even years later. At least in the woods or outhouse there is some privacy or when the children are bumbling around being a distraction. We've never been in such cramped quarters with each other."
"Great God in heaven," John smirked at her, "Do what you need to do and stop fussing over it. At this point, it is unavoidable."
She made a disgruntled face at him and he pressed, "I know you weren't this skittish with Jamie about it."
"Yes, I was. He was merciless in his teasing over my apprehension over it," Eleanor said, her hand on her hip. "I would make him go the other room at times. He thought it was hilarious." She groaned, "I just want a bathroom that I can shut and lock the door and flush the toilet."
John chuckled, "I can only imagine how Jamie was. Still...since that won't be invented for years, I suppose you must make do, Lady John."
"I suppose I must," she sighed, "I should change first. It would be easier."
"Go on then," He began to undress himself as Eleanor stood and twisted to try to get the buttons on her dress.
"Allow me to help you," John said, amused. "I wouldn't want you to hurt your back."
"My back is already sore," Eleanor commented, "and my shoulders..."
"Hum," John inclined his head and she turned around. He made short work of her buttons and then loosened her corset for her. "Great God in heaven, your corset was tied too tight, Ellie. You have marks from it."
She shifted, "Yes, I asked for Susanna to tie it tighter so I could fit better in this dress...it's an older one...and," her voice faded. "I've gained a bit of weight and haven't lost it."
"Did you ask her to try to let out your dress some?" John asked, "I'm sure that is possible."
"She was going to, but..." Eleanor swallowed hard, "I told her not to bother."
"Why on earth would you tell her that?" John turned her around so she was facing her.
She shrugged, "I didn't think there was enough time...and...I don't know. I wanted to wear this one."
"You will wear a different dress that you packed tomorrow," John said, his frown deep. "Please tell me you pack others that fit better."
"I suppose," Ellie said. She reached for her nightgown and then went behind the partition. "Did you check the bed?" Ellie asked.
"I did," John said, "it is fine."
"Small blessings," Eleanor murmured. She came around a few minutes later. She went to wash her hands with the small basin of water in the room. John was sitting on the bed, the covers overturned. She took a breath and climbed in next to him.
John put aside him book, "You must learn not to slouch so much especially when traveling."
She raised her eyebrows at him, "My posture is awful. Not at all fitting for a lady of this time..."
"Now that you are aware of it, you can rectify that habit."
"Old habits are hard to break."
"Yes, but not impossible."
"True."
"In the meantime, sit in front of me and I'll work on your shoulders."
"I'm really fine."
"Eleanor," John's voice was patient, but it was a moderated rebuke all the same.
"Yes?"
"I said I wasn't forcing you to intimacy, but I refuse to allow you to balk at my touch, especially when it is only meant to comfort, not stir your passion. As you have said before, touch is your..." he paused, "What is it called?"
"Love language," Eleanor rolled her shoulders, trying to work out the kink in it.
He inclined his head and she scooted to sit in front of him.
"Good girl," he moved her braid out of the way, "Now try to relax." He began to gently massage her shoulders, gradually increasing the amount of pressure, causing her to groan but working out the kinks in her shoulders then upper and lower back.
"Good Lord," Eleanor murmured. "You are a man of many talents Lord John."
He chuckled, "That I am. Better?"
"Yes, thank you," Eleanor said, scooting down in bed next to him. "Are you ready for sleep?"
"I think so unless you want to talk."
Eleanor looked panicked and John quickly said, "Not about that, but about the children if you are worried over them and need reassurance."
Eleanor let out her breath as John snuffed out the lamp. "I hope Jamie has successfully gotten the children into bed."
"I'm certain he is managing just fine..." John said.
"No Hope bed! Wanna Mama for bed! Hope sleep with Mama!" Hope cried as Jamie attempted to soothe her.
"I want Mama too," Rosie began to cry. "She slept with me just last night. I liked that."
Jamie turned to his middle daughter, "Did she?" he asked, trying to keep his voice causal.
"Aye, she said she wanted to sleep with us since she was leaving," Rosie said, "And now I canna fall asleep with Mama not here!"
"Da," Mac bounded in the room, "I canna fall asleep with all this ruckus and Sam wants Papa to read him a story."
"Papa isna here," Jamie said, feeling rather foolish for stating the obvious.
"Aye, I ken, but Sam said he dinnae want to fall asleep without Papa readin him a story. I told him that. And now no one can sleep because of all this noise!" Mac said, exasperated as Sam came in, disgruntled.
"Papa promised to read more of the story!" he stomped his foot. "I do not want to go to bed without it and they need to shut up!"
"Samuel," Jamie growled. "We dinna say that in this house."
"Mama says it sometimes when she is verra mad," Sam yelled.
"Aye and then she feels bad," Mac added, not wanting Da to think badly of his beloved Mama. "Can Claire take me to stay with Bree?" he asked, "So I can sleep?"
"No," Jamie snapped, "Everyone, just be quiet for a blasted moment!"
But instead of quieting the girls, they began to cry louder, afraid that Da was mad at them. Sam and Mac covered their ears when Claire came in.
"Oh goodness," She said. "Who do you want me to take?"
"Oh, I dinnae ken," Jamie said, "I am aboot to spank the lot of them."
"Hope not being bad," Hope cried, "Hope sad."
"I'm not either," Rosie cried, "You are mean to me...just like what Hopie said!"
"Jamie," Claire's voice was quiet.
Jamie let out a long breath, "Verra weel. The wee lads."
Claire put a hand on each of the boy's heads, turning them around, "I will read you a different story, Samuel. And then it is bedtime."
"Okay, okay," Sam said, reaching up to take Claire's hand, who leaned down to give her stepson a hug.
"That's a good boy," she praised, "And you," she reached for Mac, "you are always so sweet to your sisters. Your Da will settle them. Just be patient," she gave him a pointed look and then the same look to Jamie.
"Aye, Claire," Mac said.
She led them out of the room and shut the door behind her.
Jamie wrapped his arm around Hope. "It is alright to be sad aboot Mama, Hope. That dinna make ye bad." Hope buried her head in Jamie's chest.
"I wanna my Mama."
"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, his voice soothing and then looked across the room at Rosie, who was hugging her dollie, tears still streaming down her face.
"Lassie," Jamie shifted Hope into one arm and then opened his other arm for Rose. "Come to Da, alainn Ros."
She hesitantly came to him, and Jamie pulled her up by his free arm to sit her on his lap. "I'm sorry Rose, if I snapped at ye before. I dinna realize how hard it is to have for of ye cryin and fightin at the same time, though I am certain yer mother is used to it."
"And Papa too," Rosie told him.
"Aye, and Papa too," Jamie said, "I think yer Papa is the most patient out of all of us."
"Papa no yell," Hope said, seriously, her thumb in her mouth.
"But dinnae feel bad aboot it Da," Rosie said, "Mama yells sometimes...sometimes she has to so we can hear her over all the noise."
"Aye, I can understand that," Jamie said, holding both his girls close. Hope reached for Rosie's hand and held it.
"Will ye hold us until we fall asleep?" Rosie asked.
"Aye, stay with Da, my wee uns," And Jamie patiently rocked and cuddled them as they leaned against their chest, their little hands in each other's. And once again, his heart was completely overflowing with love for the children...the ones that he never expected but loved fiercely.
Eleanor and John finally reached their destination- a small cottage on the ocean. A housekeeper/cook was hired to come in for a few hours a day to prepare meals, but otherwise, John and her were completely alone and isolated from the rest of the world. He wanted secluded time with Eleanor and he had certainty chosen the perfect place to do so. They had been there two days, in which Eleanor had slept most of that time away. John had let her knowing how sleep deprived she had been for years and how trying the past few weeks had been.
But in the middle of the second night, he found her in the kitchens, rolling out dough by the lamp light.
"What on earth are you doing?" he asked.
"What does it look like I am doing?" she responded. "We need more bread for the morning."
"Surely, that could wait," John said.
"I'm awake now," Ellie said, pounding on the dough and spreading it.
"Because you slept for two days," John countered.
Eleanor wiped her sweaty palm on her forehead. "I'm sorry, am I keeping you awake?"
"No," John sat down at the small table in the kitchen and then turned his chair to watch his wife, struggle with kneading the bread. He could sense her frustration being taken out on the bread making process.
"There is hot water for tea on the fire," Eleanor said.
John stood and then went to make himself a cup of tea before sitting back down to watch Eleanor. He took a sip of his tea, "Did you enjoy cooking your time?"
Eleanor laughed, "No. I think I made a handful of meals the entire time Will and I were married. He was the cook in our family."
"Is that so?" John raised an eyebrow.
"Oh, yes, he made delicious meals," Ellie nodded. "And so I never really had to learn because he enjoyed it. But then, I got thrust back into this century," she banged the dough against the counter, "Good Lord, I always wondered what Jenny thought...having to teach me the basics of everything. But it was a very sweet time, living at Lallybroch. I miss her."
"From what Jamie has described of his sister, she seems very formidable."
"She is," Eleanor mused, "I think some of my spunk came just from watching her and how she handled Jamie. But she was a good friend to me. She accepted me when she really should not have...and she loved me as the close sister I always wished I had."
"Perhaps because she saw how much you loved Jamie," John said, quietly.
"Yes, I think," Eleanor nodded.
"Do you enjoy cooking now?" John asked.
"I enjoy being with Claire, Marsali and Bree and preparing meals at Fraser's Ridge. But it is more because I miss the friendships."
He frowned, "Are you lonely at Mt. Josiah, Eleanor?"
"A bit," Eleanor said, "though the kids of course keep me busy."
"I never realized," John said, "that you hadn't made the friendship of other women or that you even wanted that. You are so quiet."
"I'm an introvert," Eleanor said, "which means I want a few very close friends, not to go out and socialize every night. And sometimes I just want to be alone. The kids, of course, are more like Jamie...except Rosie."
"Who is definitely her mama," John nodded. He stood and walked over to kiss her, "You have flour on your nose," he swiped at it. "Don't stay up too late or burn down the cottage."
She smiled at him, "Thanks for understanding."
"Of course," John titled his head, "But now that you are more rested, a picnic on the sand seems in order for tomorrow."
She startled and then turned towards him wide eyed, "We are going to talk."
"Yes, we are," he gave her another kiss on the cheek, before whispering in her ear, "But don't worry about it."
"Easy for you to say," Eleanor countered.
"It isn't going to be pleasant for me either," John told her, frankly, "But sometimes as adults we must do things that are undesirable."
Eleanor ducked her head, trying to gather her nerve. "Okay, John. We will talk tomorrow."
"Enjoy your solitude," John told her, before reaching for his tea cup and taking it back to their room.
"Your hat, Lady John," John handed her hat. "And your wrap. The breeze is cool. Hand me the basket and the blanket."
She handed the basket and blanket to John and they stepped out from their cottage to the secluded beach. The ocean breeze was blowing, causing Eleanor's hair to fly in the wind, underneath her hat. She turned for a moment to look at the ocean.
"Oh my," she murmured. She breathed in the salty air.
"Do you wish to walk some?" he asked.
She nodded and he offered his arm to her. She took it and they strolled in the sand. After a few minutes, John asked if this was a good spot. She looked around and nodded.
He unfolded the blanket and then offered his hand again, helping her sit gracefully in her restrictive dress. She looked out at the sea, her legs curled up beside her on the blanket.
"I forgot how beautiful it can be," she said, quietly. "When on the beach and not on a bloody ship."
John sat next to her, "Did you go to the ocean much?"
She nodded, "Every year as a child. Actually, in North Carolina. There were times as a teenager that I would be struggling...just to figure out who I was and my place as I was getting older and changing...and all those emotions of being a young girl...and sitting and watching the waves and looking out onto the horizon...I would just feel peace...peace with God. Peace with myself. It was a beautiful thing."
"And sitting here now?"
"I don't know, it's hard to reach for peace these days," She stared at the vastness of the ocean and then grabbed a clump of sand and began to fiddle with it, pushing and molding it. "The kids would enjoy this, I think."
"I'm sure they would," he paused, his hands on his knees. "Eleanor, my darling? Will you not look at me?" His voice was very gentle, but compelling.
She turned her head towards him, "I don't know what to say to you," she murmured, her eyes filled with tears, her heart hammering. "I have wronged you so badly...on so many fronts and I just...I want to retreat. I want to bury my head and just sleep until I forget...but I can't forget, John. About Tryon...about our child. The guilt, it consumes me. And instead of facing it, I just want you to leave me be. Let me live on the Ridge with the children...let me wallow and punish myself for the rest of my life...because I don't deserve you. And I hate myself." She flung the sand that she was gripping and then before John could even process her words, she hoisted herself up and she began to race in the surf, her dress getting soaked, the waves crashing onto her.
"Eleanor!" John yelled and chased her. He caught up to her easily, reaching and grabbing her arm, pulling her into him. "Stop this. Stop this at once."
He dragged her away from the surf, but the waves still crashed, nipping their ankles. "You are getting soaked."
"Does it matter?" Eleanor asked, her hat being held by the ribbon around her neck.
"Of course it matters!" John said.
"I need you to get mad at me!" Eleanor said, "I need to feel on equal footing with you again."
"I am mad at you, Eleanor," John snapped, "But not for bloody Tryon...but the fact that you were too much of a coward to face me when you told Jamie to his face what you did."
"I didn't betray Jamie!" Eleanor exclaimed, her voice rising over the crashing waves.
"Didn't you?" John asked, coolly, "because we both know you and he do not feel that way. It was a betrayal of you and Jamie's history just as much as it was of you and I in the present. And yet you told him. You could have kept it from him...but when it came to the crux of the matter, you couldn't keep it from him and be true to yourself or to him and the new relationship betwix him and you. Your very intuition is to keep running to him. And that betrayal perhaps hurts more than you actually dishonoring our vows with bloody Tryon."
She whipped around to face the ocean, his words cutting her to the core. She crouched down in the surf, leaning over, trying to catch her breath.
John stood there to her side, watching her, giving her the time to respond, but she didn't.
Finally, he stepped over to her, crossing the divide betwixt them and pulled her up by the elbow. "Tell me what you are thinking."
Eleanor's voice was tortured. "Don't you see? I was never supposed to be here. I was never supposed to be your wife. I'm not at all suited for it. And you..." her voice grew angry, "you are just fooling yourself thinking that you desire me...when we know that you can never truly desire me. Tryon and I weren't a betrayal because physically you don't feel married to me."
"That is not true," John countered.
"Oh, yes it is," Eleanor pounded at him, but he was quick to grab her hands, twisting her around, so she was facing away from him, pinning her arms down. "I could go around cheating with anybody and you wouldn't care unless it was bloody James Fraser because you love him so much more than me."
"Now you are just aiming to hurt me," John said, turning her around and picking her up and tossing her over his shoulder. "You were the one that wronged me, Eleanor. So I dare say that you need to stop throwing this tantrum." He threw her down on the blanket. "Do you know that I see you with Tryon...in my mind? I see him touching you, kissing you. I hear you respond to him. And yes, it does hurt me. I have been betrayed before, Eleanor...and I can assure you imagining you with Tryon is far worse than me actually walking in on my lover and another man because at least then I didn't have to imagine how it was," He let out a frustrated groan, "Believe me, when I said that about Jamie, it wasn't that you and Tryon hasn't hurt me, that betrayal cuts deep in itself, only not telling me whilst you had no qualms to tell Jamie cuts even deeper, but rest assured, both the wounds are deep and both hurt."
Eleanor looked stricken as if he had physically slapped her. Then she turned and lied down on the blanket, burying her head. "I need a minute."
John reeled in his temper, "By all means, take a minute. But you will respond to what I have said."
She was silent for a few minutes before saying, her voice broken, "This is really hard."
"I know," John's voice was low, "But I need you not to retreat into yourself or run away from it. You have to wrestle through this with me. I cannot be the only one to. You must decide our marriage is worth the pain we are causing each other in this moment, in hopes that in future moments, we will be stronger, more united together..."
She turned and then he offered his hand to help her sit up again.
She curled up her knees against her, hugging them to her body. "The truth of the matter is...I did take the easy way out when it came to allowing Jamie to tell you about all of this. Jamie and I have such a complicated relationship and while it wasn't easy for me to tell him, it was one of the hardest things I have had to do, I felt like I could because we have both wronged each other in so many ways. I knew he would be angry, but he would be quick to forgive...because he has failed me more than I have failed him. You have never wronged me. You have been so steady and calm and good to me...and good for me...to tell you, how deeply I have failed us, when you have never failed us...God, I just couldn't..." she paused, "does that make any sense?"
"Yes," John let out another long breath, "it does." He paused, "I shouldn't ask this, but I must...did you enjoy being with him?"
"Oh God, John, please," Eleanor heaved.
"I'm not a fool, Ellie, I know our marriage bed cannot compare to yours with Jamie or with Will...I saw the way you and Jamie connected when married and the passion was aplenty. Perhaps maybe you enjoy it better than with Mr. Fitzgibbons...at least I'd like to think that...but Tryon...I cannot anticipate how you responded to him..."
She startled, "You are a fool to say such things, John Grey," Eleanor told him, adamantly, "how could you ever make me compare such a thing? What do you want me to do? Rank the men I have had sex with? See where you fit?" she paused, "do you really not understand how woman view all of this?"
"Of course, I don't!" John retorted. "I am far more comfortable with men...they are far less complicated creatures. I have made no qualms about that, but I am making an admirable attempt to be the man...and lover you need me to be and if I am failing, then I must know."
"But I didn't seek out Tryon!" Eleanor was aghast.
"Of course not," John said, "but you did have him. There is no way around it and now we must deal with the repercussions of that."
"Okay..." She fought for the right words, "Very well. I'll try to explain it."
"Thank you," John said and then waited for her to compose her thoughts.
"For a woman, it is physical, but it also wrapped up in our emotions...if my head is not in the game, it's going to affect the level of passion I have..." She struggled, "John, when we are together, my soul is wrapped up into yours...meeting you just as much as my body is accepting you...and that is certainly not true for everyone I have been with...and certainly, not with Tryon. I belong to you and I love you," she took a deep breath, "And having to tell you and disappoint you, I panicked. Because I want you to see me as someone worthy of loving and being your wife...you chose me and you love me in spite of everything, when neither of us imagined we could have the marriage we have had...and I'm so sorry I couldn't figure out another way. I didn't like it, John. I had to force myself to play this role...but it wasn't authentic...I'm already so ashamed of what happened...I beg of you, do not make me describe it to you."
"Very well," he looked out to the sea and then back to her, "I do not need the particulars of your liaison. I should have never left you alone with Tryon. I knew he had designs on you...I didn't think he would act on them."
"I should have never tried to fix the situation with Jamie in the first place."
"I don't disagree with you there," John said, quietly. "You knew the risks to your person and our family if you got caught and yet you still attempted it."
She paused, "It was for you too."
He titled his head back and forth. "I could have explained that away. Do you honestly mean to tell me that when you made the choice to go into the library that night, that I was the one you that compelled you to go? Or perhaps I was an afterthought?"
"I'm sorry," she said, softly.
"I know," John said, equally soft. "But you made a rash decision, Eleanor, one that we had discussed before the foolhardy choice to go against the Crown. I thought we had settled that matter betwixt us. I have to be able to trust you...that even when faced with an unthinkable choice...you won't put the family we are creating...that we have formed in danger. Great God in heaven, you took the risk to your person whilst you were carrying my child! It is easier for me to reconcile your and Tryon's liaison then the fact that you would do something so risky when carrying our baby."
She fiddled with the hem of her dress. She swallowed hard, "How can I make this right?" she took a deep breath, "Do you wish to..." she shifted, "Jamie would have already...and to be completely honest with you, I would have consented to him, so I would think it is only right to offer my consent for you to..." she paused.
"Beat you for it?" John raised an eyebrow.
"Yes," she winced, "I'll take it, John. Because of honor and justice and all that stuff that comes with this century...and I'll do it for you...but..." she struggled, "Please don't say yes," she whispered. "It will shatter me."
"Or it could assuage your guilt..." his eyes bore into hers. "Put us on more equal footing because it wouldn't be about me asserting my authority over you...it would be allowing you to atone for some of this...and then perhaps you would be more willing to accept my forgiveness...because I can tell right now, you aren't ready to do so. And that will destroy our marriage, Eleanor."
She swallowed hard, "Can I think about it?"
"Of course," John said, reaching out to squeeze her hand, trying to soften her pain and reassure her, "I would never force you to it."
"I know you wouldn't," she said.
"We need to talk about happened with our child," John said, his hand still holding hers.
"I just can't right now," Eleanor said, her voice cracking, "I need to process this conversation before going there with you."
He kissed her hand, "Very well. Shall we eat something? You look like you need some sustenance."
She nodded and they ate in silence before gathering up their picnic basket blanket and basket and headed back to the cottage.
Brianna sat Jemmy next to Hope and Rosie who were playing in the dirt. Jamie was splitting wood, but keeping a close watch on the girls who were playing at a safe distance. "Hi Da," she greeted her father with a kiss. "Where are my brothers?"
"Helping Claire in the garden," Jamie said, "growing yer mama's wee plants. She dinnae think she could trust Hope not to pull them up."
Brianna watched Hope fling dirt, "I think that was probably smart."
"Aye, tis so," Jamie wiped his brow.
"You look tired," Bree frowned.
"Aye, between Hope and Sam, and Rosie and Hope up in the wee hours of the night, I am," Jamie admitted. He paused, startled for a moment and then eyed both girls and Jemmy.
"What is it?" Bree's brow creased.
"Tis nothing," Jamie said, "An unsettled feeling."
"About what?"
Jamie put down the ax, "I dinnae ken exactly. The last time I felt it...was...weel, on what I would find out later was wee Hope's birthday."
"the night Eleanor almost died," Bree said, softly.
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "I canna help think that if I am feelin it again, she is in trouble now."
"Lord John is one of the kindest people I know," Brianna said, "But Eleanor did seem so broken over it all."
"Aye, she is," Jamie nodded, "John will ken how to handle the lass."
"Da!" Rosie began to wail, "Hope bit me! It hurts!"
Jamie looked heavenwards, "God help me. I ken Eleanor feels guilt when she hollers at the bairns, but they would try the patience of Christ himself."
Bree laughed, "She is a Fraser, Da."
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "that she is. Can ye watch yer sister? Hope and I need to have another wee chat."
"Eleanor," the bed creaked as John sat next to her. He had heard her sobs from downstairs. She had been completely quiet since their conversation earlier in the day and had retreated for a nap. He had settled down with a drink and a book, when he heard his wife's cries. As much as he wanted to give her time to sort out what they had discussed, he could not bear the sounds of her anguish.
He reached out a hand to gently rub her head. "Sweetheart, please."
"Do it," she sobbed, "Do it now."
"I will not," John said, "Not like this." He continued to stroke her head, gently, "If you can come to me calmly and consent, then I will, but not when you are so emotionally downtrodden."
She turned to face him, still lying on her side, "It all feels so hopeless at this moment."
"Tis not devoid of hope," John wiped her tears with her thumb, "I know our conversation earlier was hard for you to bear. It was hard for me as well. But darling, its only because I love you so dearly that compels me to be so open and honest and push us to confront what would be so easily swept beneath the rug." He paused, "I've been trying to be respectful of your need for physical distance betwixt us, but I wish to hold you. Allow me to so, Ellie. Would you please?"
She nodded. He gently gathered her up into his arms, holding her tight. She let out a long sigh, clinging to him.
"You are my wife, Eleanor Grey. You will be my wife until I no longer have breath in my being. You were right- our souls are intertwined in a way I never expected or desired and I will fight for the honor or possessing your heart and your soul."
"But not my body," Eleanor whispered.
"Lady John" John chided, "You have accused me of not feeling physically married to you and that is simply untrue. Our passion is borne out of our love and mutual respect, Eleanor, and it is deeper than simply carnal love. And if I die years from now never taken another man to my bed, I will not be regretful, because I have had to honor and privilege of loving you...who is as dear to me as any man could be."
"Oh, John, your goodness astounds me at time," Eleanor held on to him, tighter, "I always feel so undeserving of it."
"And that is where most ardently disagree," John said, "because you are the finest woman I have ever met." He pulled away, and wiped her eyes again, "you are intelligent, witty, compassionate, engaging, loving...and just a genuinely fine person. You have your faults, Ellie, as we are do, but that doesn't make you less worthy...perhaps, it is for your faults that makes you more worthy."
She nodded and he kissed her cheek, "Now, my darling, you should rest. You are spent. We have plenty more time to talk this through."
"You don't want divorce me?" Ellie asked.
"God no," John said, "A man like I must marry, and I got a treasure in you, Eleanor Grey. No other woman would ever do..." he rose. "Sleep well, dearest. I'll wake you for supper."
"Thank you, John."
"You're most welcome."
Claire twisted her hair into a braid, tying the ends. She eyed Jamie in the mirror. "Is Hope finally asleep?"
"Aye," Jamie flopped on the bed, exhausted.
Claire came to sit beside him on the bed, "She is so little. Of course, Eleanor and John being away would be a big adjustment for her."
"She was weel when it was just ye and her."
"That's true," Claire said, "But to be honest, Mac and Sam stayed with Marsali and Fergus and Bree had Rosie. It was just Hope and I...and I could spoil her."
"She has always been fond of ye, Sassenach," Jamie said, "That isna the same fer me. She told me that first night that she was scarrit of me."
"Of course, she is, Jamie," Claire responded, "You are very large...both in stature and in demeanor. And you never tried to reach out to Hope. She doesn't really know you."
Jamie let out a long breath, "It is dinnae help that she keeps actin out and I have to discipline her because of the others."
"No, it doesn't," Claire said, "But she is two. She will act out. Do you remember Sam at three?"
Jamie laughed heartedly, "And every year after that. He hasna changed much."
Claire smiled at him, "You are a good father, James Fraser. You have a keen ability to know whatever your children need and to meet them where they are at. You'll figure Hope out."
"As much as I ken figure out the mind of a two year auld," Jamie quipped.
Claire wrapped her arms around him and put her head on his shoulder, "Stop worrying over it. She is going to love you just as much as all the others. These two years haven't ruined everything for you. Give it time."
He kissed her head, "Thank ye, Sassenach."
"You're welcome."
Eleanor wrapped her dressing gown around her and found John in the small library in the cottage. He was reading a book and she went over to the cabinet and pulled out two tumblers and the brandy, pouring a bit for both of them.
John raised his eyebrow, but took the drink from her. "Am I going to need this?" he asked, dryly.
"Maybe," she said, swallowing down the liquid and began pacing in front of him. "I have a question for you."
"Of course," John put a mark in his book and set it aside, devoting his full attention to his wife, "What is on your mind, Lady John?"
She swallowed hard and then turned and looked him in the eyes, "If I had gotten caught, what do you think would have happened?"
He studied her carefully, trying to read her motivations and know how best to respond to her. Finally he said, "Come and sit next to me, Eleanor," he patted the seat on the sofa.
She sat down and curled up a leg underneath her.
"I think...you would have tried for treason," John said, quietly. "As for the result, it would depend."
"Why?" she demanded, "I thought the penalty for treason was death."
"Because you are a woman," he said, bluntly.
"If I was a man?"
"Whipped and hung, most likely," John responded, "but as a woman, perhaps there could have been some leniency for you...especially as my wife. And my brother being the Duke of Pardloe. But you never know...they could have wanted to set an example by you."
"What do you think I would have deserved?" Ellie asked.
"Personally speaking?" John looked at her, intently.
"Yes," she nodded.
"As much wife, as much leniency as possible," John said. "I would have fought to settled the matter betwixt us...and cited the circumstances of you being with my child and Jamie being the father of your children clouding your judgment. If you were not my wife, then...I think you have betrayed the crown and that must be dealt with swiftly as to encourage others not to do what you have done."
"No mercy then?" Eleanor frowned at the thought.
"There is always grounds to support mercy," John said, gentle. "But you must understand that in this time we are living in, tis a delicate balance betwixt justice and mercy."
"Do you think I was wrong to try to do what I did?"
"I do," John nodded. "But more so on behalf of our family, Eleanor...who need you to be leveled headed and alive to raise them."
"They need Jamie too, John," she said.
"I don't disagree," John said, "But this has all been Jamie's choice involved with Tryon...and still protect Murtagh. He is responsible for his actions as you must be for yours."
She nodded. She fell quiet, twisting her hands around her glass.
"What are you thinking, dearest?" John asked, taking her empty tumbler and sitting it beside him, afraid she would break it.
"I suppose," she said, softly, "It's time for justice and mercy to meet."
"Are you certain?" John asked, quietly.
She nodded. "If I had been caught, it would have been so much worse. And I don't disagree, I acted out of panic for Jamie...but at the moment, I should have thought about our family..." She paused, "When I decided to go in there, I knew it was a risk, but I only thought of Jamie. I didn't understand fully until I was in that room, the consequences for me...because in my time, it would have been jail and as you said the mitigating factors would have caused leniency."
"But we do not live in that time," John said, quietly.
"And this will serve as a reminder to that," she winced. "Sometimes I still feel like I am in a movie or a character in a book, because how can this be real life?"
"But it is," John said, "And you have to remember the dire consequences that are associated with this time, where justice often triumphs over mercy."
"For the record, I did later," she said, softly, "Remember your words...and it scared me senseless."
"And forced you into Tryon's arms," he said.
"I'm scared of dying that way, John," she whispered. "I have never been able to watch those scenes in movies, it has always disturbed me."
"And I am determined that shall never be your fate, my dearest," He stood and took her hand, leaning over it and kissing it. "Are you certain this is the course you wish to take?"
She nodded. "Jamie would have insisted upon it and I would have said yes to it for all the reasons we just discussed."
"But I am not Jamie," John said, his eyes on her, "And I am not insisting upon it."
She let out a long breath, "I know, but still...do you think I deserve it?"
"I do," he said, simply. "But do you?"
She nodded.
"Then let's go upstairs and get this distasteful business over with. I am eager for it to be done with as I am sure you are as well."
"Okay," she whispered.
"Lady John," John squeezed her hand. "You will tell me to stop and I will. You have my word. I wish you to control this because while we do live in this time where I have power over you, I am determined that you shall never feel powerless."
"I trust you, John."
"I know you do," John said, "And for that, I am endlessly grateful."
She tugged his hand and he moved closer to her. "Love me for a moment," she whispered. "So I can be brave and face this. For I am feeling raw and vulnerable already."
He immediately took her into his arms, holding her against him, tightly.
John reached for the pitcher of water. He poured a small amount into a basin. Pulling out a handkerchief, he wet the cloth and then wrung out the excess water so it would not drip.
The past few minutes had been emotionally grueling for both of them. He had been very restrained in his dealings with Eleanor, like the time before. And yet, Eleanor let him go on more than he thought was wise, plagued by some sort of burden she couldn't let go. And when she finally snapped, what came out of her vulnerability, was the panicked declaration that she deserved so much more for she killed their child.
Reaching for the tumbler of brandy, he had poured before, he cautiously approached his wife, who was crouched beside the bed, her head in his hands.
"I can prepare a bath for you, if you'd like."
She shook her head and he sat down next to her on the floor, his back leaning against the bottom of the bed.
"Come here then," he said, his tone gentle, but clearly not offering a choice and Eleanor scooted towards him. He raised the tumbler to her lips. "Drink it all. Every drop."
She did as he bid, the liquid burning her throat, and then he gently eased her down so her head was in his lap. He put the cloth on her head. "Eleanor, my darling. I must say something to you. And I need you to heed my words..."
"You blame me too..." she whispered.
"Never in my mind nor in my heart, did I ever feel as if you killed our child."
She began to sob in his lap, "But I rode too hard to get to Jamie...and I was so tired...and...I pushed myself...I shouldn't have."
"No, you mustn't blame yourself for it," John said, calmly, "Claire and I had a discussion the night before we left. She did not think the cause of it was that. Most likely there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. The babe had not quickened yet, which was a sign that something wasn't quite right. I wanted our child too, Eleanor, but it isn't your fault, sweetheart."
"But I should have told you about the baby to begin with..."
"Now, I must say I agree with that," John said, still tenderly rubbing her head, "Why didn't you?"
She heaved, "I was just so scared, John. Hope's birth...it was so hard and I came so close to dying. I'm older and I...didn't think I would make it. I didn't want to burden you with it all, if I would miscarry earlier. I didn't want to get your hopes up either, just to disappoint you."
He leaned to kiss her head, "That would never be a cause for you to disappoint me, Ellie. We are in a marriage together...that means we bolster each other up when the other is down...and share in the joys and sorrows that life has to offer us...and I did not marry you for your ability to extend my lineage."
"She was perfect, John," Eleanor said, softly. "She had your chin...and ten little fingers and toes," her voice caught, "Jamie held her in the palm of his hand. We wrapped her in your handkerchief."
"Oh, my dear love," John said, softly, "I'm so very sorry I was not there. I'm glad Jamie was there for you in that moment."
"I wanted you though..." she said, her voice strained, "even after all I had done, I still wanted you."
"I'm here now," John said, quietly. "Lean on me, Eleanor. You are safe here."
Eleanor sobbed uncontrollably in his lap, "I named her Mercy."
"That is very lovely and fitting, my darling," John said, "You did well."
"Please believe me," She sat up to look at him, "I wanted to give you a child more than anything, John."
John cradled her face with his hands, "You give me so much, Eleanor...and God willing, we will have another. And if not, I am perfectly content with the life we do have...and the children I am blessed to call ours."
She leaned her head on his shoulder and cried out her anguish, John's arms coming around her, securely. And when she was calmer, he picked her up and carried her to their bed, wrapping her up in his arms and holding her, talking gently to her until she fell asleep.
It was only after she had succumbed to her exhaustion that he went over to sit on the small settee and buried his head in his hands, his elbows upon his knees and cried his own tears.
Up next: Jamie tries to make a breakthrough with Hope and John and Eleanor continue to fight for their marriage...Plus, Jocasta's wedding. :)