A/N: Again, thank you all for your lovely reviews and sharing your thoughts with me! Another chapter, a bit shorter. Please let me know what you think! :)
Chapter 43:
Eleanor paced outside John's closed study door. They had supper, the kids opting to eat in the kitchen. Not that she blamed the children, she wished she could have done the same. She had given them kisses goodnight and asked Susanna to put the children to bed, requesting that William read Mac and Sam a story in lieu of her and John. Sensing that something was seriously wrong, William readily complied. Eleanor knew that whatever business Tryon had with John, it was not good...she really wanted to hear what was going on, but there were some matters that a lady could not partake in...not during this time at least. Tryon had confided to them both that the story was a rather delicate one and the ever proper Lord John wasn't going to let Tryon relay it to his wife, opting to tell her later. She knew he would stay true to his word, but she was still put out that she was excluded. So she paced outside John's office, for over an hour, until the door opened up.
"Come and have a drink with us, Ellie," John said, "We could hear your pacing outside the hallway."
"Is your business done?"
"It is," Tryon nodded and smiled at Eleanor and then handed her a drink, "Lady John," he said as he handed her the brandy. "I wasn't aware that you would be more distressed by excluding you from the conversation than including you."
She took a sip of the liquid, "Hum, well, thank you for attempting to shield my delicate sensibilities, but part of me wonders...if...just perhaps...Lord John was overly concerned that I would speak my disapproval to the matters of what you speak," she turned to John and gave him a look, which could only be described as sassy, causing John to laugh.
"I confess the thought did cross my mind, Eleanor, dearest," John said smoothly, "I am used to your opinions, which might I add are often quite good, but not all would welcome it."
"I find myself rather used to Lady John's opinions as well," Tryon said, taking a long drink, "but perhaps it is wise to be careful about those views...times are so troubling with this nasty business with the regulators and the ever growing dissent among the landowners. A little discretion with your thoughts, Eleanor, my dearest Lady John would serve you well."
Eleanor tried not to glare at him, and only managed to choke out, "I will take heed to your advise, your excellency."
He chuckled and rose, "I have an early morning. Do excuse me. I will leave it to Lord John to relay the particulars to you, Lady John, and Lord John, we will draw up the papers tomorrow."
"Goodnight, your excellency," Eleanor said, starting to rise, but Tryon stopped her.
He bowed to her, "No, don't get up on my account, my dear," he said, smiling.
"Pleasant dreams then." Eleanor said, forcing a smile.
Tryon left, the door clicking behind him and Eleanor sat down her tumbler of brandy.
"What the hell was that?" Eleanor look to John.
John cleared his throat, "Now, Eleanor..." He chided and then paused, "He isn't wrong, you know. He is actually quite right."
Eleanor rolled her eyes, "No, he is not. I have every right to..."
"Express your opinions, your beliefs, your values with your husband..." John countered, "which I am more than willing to hear and offer my thoughts to...as two adults. You are my equal, Eleanor, in my mind and to some degree in this house, but to be so forward with men like Tryon, it puts you out of place. And draws attention that we do not want. And to be frank with you, I will not have my loyalty doubted because my wife is too rash with her words."
"You could have given me the benefit of the doubt," Eleanor retorted.
"Like you are giving me the benefit of the doubt?" John titled his head at her. "You knew whatever Tryon tells me, that I would tell you afterwards. I do not keep secrets from you. But I was worried that your reaction especially to something that you felt unjust, that you would not be able to temper that reaction...not because your are lesser than anyone but because you wear your heart on your sleeve. And I love that about you, Ellie."
Eleanor let out a long breath, moved by his sweet words, "Very well. I'm sorry I was annoyed at you for not including me."
John smiled, "I don't blame you for being so. But you are forgiven...always." He went to sit next to her on the settee. "But I do have distressing news about Roger."
Eleanor's stomach sank, "What happened...?" she groaned and then bit her lip.
"Well, to start from the beginning of Tryon's tale, Colonel Fraser led the militia to a commanding victory...and looked quite worthy as an officer in the attire of the Crown..."
"Wait!" Eleanor held up her hand, "Back up a second."
John looked amused, "A very good thing I think that Tryon was not here to hear you engage in discussion with such peculiar expressions," he said, lightly.
She rolled her eyes, but ignored his gentle reprimand, "Do you mean to tell me that Tryon made him wear a redcoat?" she wrinkled her nose in distain.
"That is precisely what I mean," John said, softly, "And yet again, further evidence that you needn't have heard that from Tryon's mouth, without responding with distain..."
"God, of course, I respond with distain...for it is awful," Eleanor cringed, "Poor Jamie. His pride...to wear the uniform of the crown who has taken so much from him..." she shuddered. "I hate that imagery."
"I wore those colors proudly, Ellie," John said, his voice light again, another gentle reminder to her. He was in fact a loyalist and served the Crown proudly. "But I do see how objectionable it would be for Jamie and I sympathize. I never wanted him to feel less of a man that who he is..." he conceded.
"I know you didn't," Ellie retorted, a hand to her face, "I just hate that thinking of how he must have felt at the moment."
"You are always a loyal and compassionate friend to Jamie," John said, his voice kind, "It must have been very difficult for him."
"I know it was," She nodded, "Go on."
"And after the battle, Tryon ordered his officers to pick 5 men to be executed by hanging," John continued, his voice low.
Eleanor shook her head, her eyes widening in chagrin, "But...wh...why would he do that?" she shuddered.
"I believe it was to set an example."
Eleanor crossed her arms, "They were...people's father...and brothers. It's unconscionable, when we forget about the humanity of men considered our enemies...It's just like Culloden, John."
"The men were not innocent," John said, softly.
"Then the leaders should be brought to justice," she retorted, heated.
"Like Mr. Fitzgibbons?" he challenged. "Or perhaps Red Jamie at Culloden?"
Eleanor stood, "Just stop. I do not want to hear you try to justify this. It's insane."
"Darling, you have to understand," John stood and reached for her, "No, no, do not pull away from me," he chided. "Hear me out."
"I'm listening," Eleanor relaxed and allowed John to pull her into his embrace.
"This is the world we live in," John held her tightly, "And men make choices knowing consequences."
She pulled away from him, "But it isn't that. You know Tryon. Tryon did so because he is power hungry," Eleanor retorted, "Not for some perverted sense of justice."
John put his hands on her face, "Look at me," his voice was firm. "I do not agree with the decision, but to question it...and for you to question it, you cannot, Ellie. Do you understand me?"
"John," Eleanor grunted. "Do not ask me to be less of a person that who I am."
"Eleanor, I afraid I must," John said, his eyes steady on her, his voice low, "indeed, you must promise me, you will keep your opinions to yourself at breakfast tomorrow."
"Fine," Eleanor shook out of John's grasp. "What about Roger? Was he hurt in the battle?"
"No," John said, stepping away from her, "He was one of those five men."
Eleanor's eyes widened, "How the hell did that happen? How did he survive?"
"Carelessness on the part of Tryon's officer. As far as how he survived, he did so, by the grace of God, but his voice is damaged..."
"Is Brianna okay?" Eleanor's eyes filled with tears.
"I don't know. I am eager to go and visit them. Tryon is offering them a parcel of land..."
"A bribe?" Eleanor retorted, swiping at her eyes. "I cannot believe this happened."
"He wishes me to go and take the land deed to them. I am weary of us all traveling so soon after we returned home. The children need consistency," John said. "I will go and you can remain with the children."
Eleanor sat down again, "I..." she took a breath, "Lord John...I must..." she bit her thumb, looking at him. She took a breath, "I don't think it is wise for you to leave at this time."
"Why is that?" John asked.
"I didn't realize until I looked at the calendar today...and then Tryon came...and this all happened, but..." she paused, "I'm late."
John froze, the shock over his face. "Late?" He cleared his throat, it dry, "Are you certain?"
"I'm certain I am three weeks late. I had no concept of the past few weeks and...I have been weary. I thought it was just over Ian and his heartbreak and running after the children, but..." she paused, "I think the possibility is high." She frowned, looking at John, "Are you upset by the prospect?"
"Upset?" John shook his head, as if coming to his senses, "No, my darling," he came to sit over next to her and reach for her hand, kissing it, affectionately. "I'm just shocked. It took us so long before and this is so soon after..."
"I know, but sometimes it is just how these things work," she said. "I mean we have a long few months, but given what happened before...I just would feel better if you are close. Is that selfish?"
"No," John said, kissing her hand, "I will not leave you."
She smiled at him, "So, you aren't upset...but..." she bit her lip, "This is what you wanted, right?" she sniffed, "I know I am a trial, and opinionated and perhaps..."
"I wouldn't want you for the mother of my child?" John smiled at her. "I adore you, Eleanor Grey. And there is no woman in this world I would want more for the mother of my child...opinions and all. Indeed. I am very pleased, Lady John."
She leaned over to rest her head on his chest. "I just hope everything works out well. I have my heart set on this baby, John. And that scares me."
John leaned down to kiss her head, "Whatever we may face, we do so together."
She nodded, "What to do about Tryon's offer?"
"I send William in another week or so," John said, "I have a gift for Brianna which is supposed to arrive soon."
"William?" Ellie raised her head, "he is just a boy."
"No, he is not. It's time my darling, for us to treat more as the man he is becoming. Tom can accompany him. It will be an adventure and give Jamie time with William without us or the others distracting him."
She nodded, "Very well. I hate William leaving after we were apart for so long."
John leaned to kiss her gently, "I don't think I have thanked you lately."
"For what?"
"Being such a fine mother to William. He loves you so."
"I love him too, John," Eleanor said, softly. "And considering you are such a fine stepfather to my four, who by the way are much more difficult than William, I should be thanking you. And for loving me so well...even though I'm scared for our future John."
He tipped up her chin, "Do not fear, Eleanor. I will be by your side no matter what may come. I promise you that. And though we may disagree, we may argue...especially about the war to come, there are things that transcends it all...my loyalty to the crown and your loyalty to the coming America must rest in the loyalty to each other, for we are one, Ellie. No matter what may come."
She reached for his hand, squeezing it, "I'm okay with that."
He gave her a small smile, "Are you now?"
"Indeed, I am," she smiled at him, her eyes shining, "Let's go to bed, darling. Will you love me tonight?"
He kissed her softly, "Of course. It is always my utmost pleasure to love you, Eleanor."
She leaned against him, her arms around him as he held her tightly, their child growing inside of her.
"Ian," Jamie passed him the plate of meat, "Have some more, lad."
"No thank ye, Uncle," Ian said.
Marsali had been prompting Ian to talk and he immediately retreated into himself, which worried Jamie. Ian was always so lively even as a wee un.
The conversation shifted to fill Ian into the events with the Regulators.
"Then Murtagh was alive?" Ian frowned, "All this time? And he just died recently."
"Aye," Jamie said, his voice trembling under the weight of his emotion, "Murtagh was killed during the battle between the militia and the regulators. To have him back was such a gift fer us all...but now he is gone."
Ian let out a long breath, "I see. That is bad news indeed. Does Auntie ken then?"
Jamie paused for a few seconds, trying to figure out who he was talking about. He titled his head, "Oh, Eleanor, ye mean?" his tone, questioning.
"Aye, she is my auntie, is she no?" Ian said, an edge to his voice.
Ian liked Claire, having spent time on the Ridge with her, helping his Uncle Jamie to build the cabin. He was comfortable with her, yet, it was Eleanor who had loved Ian fiercely during his growing up years, being the aunt he always wanted...and he would honor her as his aunt no matter what happened between her and his Uncle Jamie. And as he grew older and experienced life, he understood more what an injustice his beloved Uncle did to his Auntie, though he couldna say what exactly Uncle Jamie should have done in the situation.
"Of course, Eleanor is yer auntie still," Jamie nodded, his voice even, "And..." he cleared his throat, "No, not yet."
"But she does ken ye are safe?" Ian asked, pressing, "Auntie was verra worrit aboot ye, Uncle."
"Aye, of course, I wrote," Jamie nodded and the table fell silent. He glanced again at Claire, "When did ye hear from Eleanor?"
"I saw Auntie and my cousins on the way here," Ian said.
"Ye went to Mt. Josiah?" Jamie asked, surprised.
"Aye," Ian said, but offered no more details.
"Is Eleanor weel?" Jamie cleared his throat again, "And the wee bairns?"
"Aye," Ian nodded.
"Did she say anything?" Jamie asked, "I'm surprised Lord John nor she sent a letter."
"Aye," Ian said, "Auntie always says alot, ye ken." He offered no further explanation.
"Aye," Jamie said, slowly. "That she does."
"I always thought Eleanor to be rather shy," Brianna offered, trying to change the subject. "Quiet...in social company...not around me or anything"
Jamie cleared his throat, "She can be that way at first."
Ian shrugged, "If it is around people she dinnae ken...or trust."
"Ye never saw Ellie and Ian together, Brianna, but they were always verra fond of each other," Jamie explained as he cleared his throat yet again. "at Lallybroch...in those years..." he paused, trying to say it delicately, "we were all together."
"Aye, and mama as well," Ian said. "She said she still writes Mama verra often, did ye ken?"
Jamie coughed as Claire frowned again, "Aye, I suspect so. Yer mama and Ellie could be thick as thieves at times. I think she often liked her better than I."
"Whom, Eleanor or Jenny?" Claire asked, wryly.
"Ah, both, I think, Sassenach," Jamie responded, taking care with his tone. "At times."
"Weel then," Marsali said, brightly, trying to ease the tension, "I will be verra glad to see Ellie and the wee bloblains soon. Tis not the same without them underfoot. When do ye think they will return to the Ridge?"
"I can't imagine fer some time," Jamie cleared his throat again, "The bairns need to be settled."
"Are ye goin to tell Auntie and Mac about Murtagh?" Ian spoke up again.
"Aye, in time," Jamie tapped his fingers against the table, "As soon as I can leave the Ridge. Tis not a verra gut time fer that now."
Claire rose to begin to clear the plates.
"Here, Mama, I'll help you," Bree said, quietly, reaching for Jamie's plate.
Ian turned his head towards Jamie, "If ye do not mind, Uncle, I am tired."
"Of course, Ian," Jamie stood, "I can show you where you can stay." Ian said his goodbyes to Fergus, Marsali and Roger before thanking Claire for dinner and saying goodnight to Bree who they passed by as Jamie led him out of the room.
Jamie showed Ian to the guest room, "Claire changed the sheets."
"Aye, thank ye, Uncle."
Jamie looked at him, intently, "I do hope that ye will find yerself at home against here, Ian...with us. We are verra glad ye are here."
Ian nodded, but didn't say anything else.
Jamie gave him a smiled, "Goodnight, then, lad."
"Goodnight, Uncle Jamie," Ian said.
Jamie stopped as he nearly tripped over Ian on his way to milk the cow.
"Ian!" Jamie grunted, "What are ye doin out here?"
Ian sat up on the porch, "I canna sleep on a bed anymore."
"Ah," Jamie nodded, "That makes sense when yer body becomes accustomed to the ground," he said, easily. He studied him further and then titled his head, "May I sit with ye?"
Ian nodded and Jamie sat next to him.
"I dinnae mean to question ye about Auntie," Ian said, after a few minutes of silence.
"Aye, I ken, ye dinnae mean anythin by it," Jamie said, easily, "The truth of the matter is...I should have told Eleanor and Mac aboot Murtagh. My obligations of tending the Ridge dinnae negate my obligations to Eleanor and my bairns. But as ye can tell, tis a verra complicated time...with Roger and Bree."
"I ken," Ian nodded.
"And I dinnae want ye to think I wasna verra glad to hear that ye visited Mt. Josiah on yer way here. I was surprised, though I shouldna have been. Tell me fer I must ken," He elbowed him gently, with a smile, "Did yer auntie cry much?"
Ian gave a small laugh, "Aye, she did that."
"Aye, I expect so," Jamie said, "I canna only imagine how full her heart was in that moment. Telling her that ye left...weel, it was verra hard fer her. She loves ye so."
"I ken she does," Ian said, his voice quiet. "She gave me this book of letters...so I would feel like I dinnae miss anythin while I was gone. She wrote to me as if I had never left."
Jamie smiled, tears glistening his eyes at the thought of Eleanor's beautiful gesture, "Ah, that's Eleanor fer ye," he murmured. "She has such a tender way aboot her, deep in her heart."
"Aye," Ian swallowed hard, "I felt like I needed to see Auntie, Uncle Jamie. Especially since I canna see my own Mama."
Jamie nodded, "Aye, I see. And did ye find what ye needed from visiting Ellie?"
Ian stared at his hands, "She tried. And my cousins, of course..."
"Aye, I ken the wee uns love ye too, Ian. Especially Mac and Sam though I venture to say the wee lasses dinnae remember ye."
"Rosie and Hope accepted me like I have always been there," Ian said, "they are verra sweet, Uncle. Like Auntie."
"Aye, they are," Jamie said. "Verra much like Eleanor, especially wee Rose. Then did ye find what ye needed, Ian?"
"It was very good to be with them but," Ian paused for a long minute, "I canna say I did...but maybe Auntie did help me find my courage to come all the way to here."
"Then maybe that was enough...fer the moment," Jamie said, quietly. "Sometimes, the first step is the hardest."
"I canna say what needs to be said, Uncle," Ian said, his voice low, forlorn, "Perhaps, I can never say it."
"Then let's just set here. And ye dinnae have to say a thing," Jamie said. "Would that be acceptable?"
"Aye, I'd like that," Ian said, quietly.
"Please allow me to send for a physician," John pleaded as Eleanor struggled, retching again, but there was nothing more to come up.
She groaned, unable to hold her head up for any longer, the dizziness mixed with the nausea was an awful debilitating combination. "No, John."
"Eleanor, you are so unwell," John said, reaching over to smooth down her hair. "And it has gone on for far too long, my darling. You said so yourself. It is worse than all your other pregnancies combined. You have always managed to go about your day to a certain extent. To be so bedridden..."
"He will try to bleed me," Eleanor closed her eyes, "And that will probably kill me."
"If this does not," John said, frowning deeply.
"I'm sorry," Eleanor murmured, her eyes still closed, "How are the children?"
"Do not worry about the children," John said, "They are of course concerned, but they are being kept very busy."
"I want to see them...to reassure them."
"Darling, I do not think...given the way you are right now...that you would accomplish that...if anything, I think you would give them a fright."
"Do I look that awful?" Eleanor opened an eye.
John gave her a small smile and continued to smooth her hair, "Yes. Dreadful. But beautiful still."
She laughed and then groaned, "Oh, shit. Not again."
John reached for the basin again and shoved it in her face. "Great God in heaven, Eleanor," John winced as he pulled her hair away from her face. "We must do something."
"Maybe pray?" Eleanor asked, between retches.
"Of course, prayer is appropriate," John said, his voice kind, "but action is also. I will give you another day for your condition to improve, but if it does not, we will seek advise."
She finished retching and then shifted to her side to face him, glaring.
"You are such a model patient," John chided as he leaned to kiss her head, "Twill be a long few months, will it not?"
She sighed, the glare easing. "Yes, I'm afraid so." she paused, "Lord John?"
"What is it?" his hand was still on her head.
"Will you lay with me?"
"Of course," he slipped his shoes off and then climbed up next to her on their bed. He turned on his side to face her, "What do you need?"
"When is William leaving?" she asked, softly.
"We are aiming for the day after next," John said, "Why?"
"When I find my strength, in the moments that aren't so bad...I want to write to Jamie."
He nodded, "Of course you do," he said, full of understanding, "I am fine with you telling him about the baby...if you wish to be the one."
"Yes, I do, but..." She reached for his hand, pausing for a minute to gather her strength to say what was on her heart, "I'd like to ask him to come and take the children back with him."
John let out a long breath, but squeezed her hand in his. "I do not think it is wise to assume based on how you are feeling now that this means anything regarding your fate or that of our child."
"But you cannot deny the possibility," Eleanor said, softly, "And if it was to happen..." she paused, "Jamie often spoke with me about his mother's death. As a boy, it affected him so greatly. And Jenny. And seeing that, the pain though it was so long ago that he and Jenny both still carry with them...being there...I wish for the children to be with their father and stepmother and the big Fraser clan that loves them so dearly. And if nothing happens, then they just got to spend alot of time with their Da and we will bring their bother or sister to see them when I am ready to travel again."
John was quite for a few minutes, not removing his hand from hers, his eyes closed. It was uncharacteristic that he was so quiet for so long.
"John, tell me what you are thinking," Eleanor whispered.
He opened his eyes, "You may write whatever you wish. But I do not think it is necessary. At least...I cannot fathom the possibility that it will be necessary even if my rational mind tells me that I must...that I know Geneva's fate and so many other woman of our time...but for it to be yours? For you to die in childbirth? I can barely say those words. No, rationality has nothing to do with this. It mustn't. I cannot entertain the notion. But you are their mother...and it is so characteristic of you to want to shield their tender hearts. And I am grateful for that. So write what you wish to Jamie. I will not stop you or encourage you not to." He leaned over and kissed her head, "I must go check on the children. Shall I send Susanna to you?"
She nodded, biting her lip, "Did I upset you, Lord John?"
He smiled at her, and then kissed her hand, "No, darling. I am upset, but not by you. Shall I tell the little ones that you love them?"
"Of course," Eleanor said, "And that I miss them."
He nodded, "Try to rest."
"I will," Eleanor nodded and John slid off the bed, put back on his shoes and quietly left the room, the door which was open, closing behind him.
But what John didn't see in his haze was a little boy hiding in the shadows, a look of fear on his young face.
"William, sweetheart," Eleanor sat up in bed, her dressing robe tightly around her.
"Mama," he entered the room, quickly, "How are you feeling?"
She gave him a weak smile, "I'm alright."
John moved a chair beside the bed and told William to sit, John perching on the bed at Eleanor's feet. "We wish to talk to you before you leave this morning." He looked to Eleanor, who smiled, encouragingly.
"Eleanor will be giving you a brother or sister in a few months."
William smiled, "I confess I thought that might be the case. I'm very pleased for you, Mama and of course, for you Papa."
"Thank you, William," John nodded.
"And thank you so much for agreeing to go to Fraser's Ridge so Papa can stay here with me," Eleanor said, "You will take care and be careful. You know how much I worry about you when you are away from us."
"Of course, I will take care especially if I know you are worried," William reached out for Eleanor's hand and kissed it, gallantly, "But will you?"
"I will be fine, William," Eleanor said, nodding evenly, "Don't worry about me. But I have a letter for you to give to Mr. Fraser...but if you don't mind, give it to him privately and ask him to use discretion when reading it."
"Of course, mama," William nodded, "I understand."
John stood, "You must be on your way."
William stood and then leaned over Eleanor to give her a hug, "Please take care," he whispered. "I'll be back as soon as I can."
Her heart overflowed, "Of course, I will, William dear. I promise you."
He straightened, "Any other words for Mister Fraser?"
"I do not think so," Eleanor forced another smile, tears glistening in her eyes, "It's all in the letter."
John reached in his pocket to hand William the letter from Ellie.
"Goodbye, Mama," William said, quietly.
"Safe Travels, William," Eleanor said, looking between William's anxious face and John, longing to ease both the men, but having no way of doing so. John ushered William out of the room and when they were away from Eleanor's hearing, William turned on his heels,
"She is not in danger, is she?"
"No," John shook his head.
"She looks unwell and if she is taken to her bed already," William straightened, "I am not a child like the others, Papa, and if there is cause to be concerned, then..."
"Many women feel ill and are taken to their bed early on..." John said, "they usually recover and are well throughout the rest of their condition. I have no doubt that Eleanor will be the same."
"I feel like I should stay," William said, "for my brothers and sisters."
John put a hand on his shoulder, "Your task is quite important, William, and it is helping me so I don't have to leave Eleanor's side. There is plenty of help for the little ones, though I know they find great comfort in your company. We will eagerly await your return. Do not forget to give Mistress MacKenzie the note from Governor Tryon and myself...and I do believe Eleanor added a message to it."
"Yes, you gave that to me earlier," William nodded. "Do you have a message for Mister Fraser?"
"Give him my regards and my regrets that I cannot deliver this news in person," John said, "Tell him I will write to him soon."
William nodded, for he instinctively understood what Eleanor's letter to Jamie contained.
"Safe travels, son," John smiled at him.
"Goodbye, Papa."
After John watched William leave, he returned to Eleanor's side, sliding into the chair that William occupied minutes before.
"I'm going to miss him," Eleanor said, quietly.
"I as well," John said, meeting her eyes...each seeking comfort from each other in the moment.
"It feels like the moment we are together, then we are forced apart."
"Yes," John said, "But I fear that we must continue to allow William that freedom that comes with becoming a man. He will inherit one day."
Eleanor raised an eyebrow, "I never thought of that- that he must return to England one day."
John nodded, "Yes. He will."
"I do not wish to think upon that day...an ocean away. It's bad enough to be days away...but months?" She sighed, "But that won't be for a while, right?"
"I'm sure," John said.
She sighed, closing her eyes.
"How are you feeling?" John asked, his brow creasing in worried. "Do you wish to lie down?"
Eleanor nodded, "The world is spinning again."
John rose to assist her to scoot down onto the bed. He leaned to kiss her head. "I'm sending for a physician this afternoon."
"John, love," Eleanor muttered, "I don't like that at all."
"Be that as it may," John said, "It would ease my mind to make sure we are doing all that we can...to relieve your symptoms and ensure your health...yours and our child's, Ellie. I must insist upon it."
"You are adorable," Ellie murmured, "When you get all Mr. Darcy on me."
"Mr. Darcy?" John questioned, adjusting the blanket over her. "What does that mean?"
"It's a character in a book," she said, "I'll tell you about it later...though I think you are more Mr. Knightly than Mr. Darcy or maybe a combination of both..." her voice trailed off, "I don't know...if he tries to bleed me," she opened her eye to him, "You will stop him. Or I will never forgive you."
"Noted, my darling," John rubbed her arm, "Try to sleep. You are shattered."
She reached up for his hand, "Stay with me. I feel so miserable."
And he knew her words to be true, if she lost the fight so readily over the physician.
He squeezed her hand, "Of course. Rest easy, Lady John. I'm here."
She fell asleep, holding his hand.
"William!" Jamie took several long strides to greet the boy. "What are ye doin here, lad?"
"Mr. Fraser, good day," William bowed low, "Papa sent me with a message for Mistress MacKenzie from Governor Tryon."
"Ah, I see, that is a verra important errand indeed," Jamie said, bowing to his son, and then giving the reigns of William's horse to Fergus, Tom staying to assist Fergus as William and Jamie walked towards the big house. "Welcome back to Fraser's Ridge."
"I thank you for your hospitality," William said, formally, causing Jamie to hold in a chuckle. His son was growing into a man and it was very fine for him to witness the change.
"It is verra fine to have ye at the Ridge, but I have to say I am surprised yer father did not come himself especially if it is tidings from Governor Tryon."
William glanced towards Jamie, "Mama is unwell and Papa could not leave her," he explained, his voice low.
Jamie stopped in his tracks, causing William to stop as well. "Is that so?" his brows creased in worry.
"Yes, she sent you a letter," William pulled a piece of parchment out of his pocket, handing it to Jamie. "She did ask for you..." he paused, "you to use discretion when reading it."
"Of course, verra gut, thank ye, William," Jamie stuck the letter in his pocket, forcibly making himself put Eleanor from his mind. He gestured to William, "Come. Let's get you settled. I am sure ye are famished from yer journey and I am eager to hear what Governor Tryon says. Mistress MacKenzie is inside as well as Mistress Fraser. I am sure they will both be delighted to see ye...as am I."
Jamie put on his spectacles and then carefully tore open the parchment. He had waited until the house was quiet to read the letter from Ellie, wanting to do so privately, anxious about the contents of what kept John at Eleanor's side...he suspected but it worried him nonetheless.
Dear Jamie,
I can't tell you how thankful I was to hear of your safety from Governor Tryon as well as from your missive that arrived a few days later. I was so worried about your safety and prayed for you often, especially when I looked upon our children and would see you in them- not just their faces and red curly hair or their pension for trouble and stubbornness, but more so in their kindness and compassion in learning how to be harmonious with each other and with us. My heart goes out to Bree and Roger- the horror of it all astounds me and that Tryon could be so flippant with lives. Thankfully, the particulars were related to me by John and not Tryon, or I feel like it would have been incapable of tempering my reaction and my ire against him, which would have surely gotten me a scolding from my Lord John.
Jamie chuckled at this, "Aye, lassie," he whispered.
I have not heard from Murtagh. I trust he was kept safe as well or I suspect you would have told me. Please tell him I said hi and that his godson and all the children misses him.
Jamie let out a long breath. It had been unforgivably wrong not to travel to Mt. Josiah to relay this news, but Ian's return has caused him delay his plans even further.
I enjoyed Ian's visit...I am so grateful and honored that he thought to come to me. Seeing his face again, it was a blessing that I thought I would never have. I am concerned about him. Please watch over him, James. I know he is a grown man now, but he still needs your guidance and care. I wish I was there to support him. Saying goodbye to him was incredibly difficult, knowing that something was wrong and unable to make it better.
"Aye, lass," Jamie whispered. "I ken it was."
Now we come to the heart of why I wrote. I have a favor to ask of you. John and I are expecting again and as you can imagine, the joy at the prospect is mixed with so many other emotions- fear and hope mainly. I am grateful I have John by my side through this and he has been such a kind and sturdy force...My morning sickness has overcome me, including dizzy spells in which I can barely get out of bed. I am afraid that this is a sign to come...I have never been this overtaken before, especially not to be able to get out of bed. Given my age and the time we are living in, I know the risk of this pregnancy. Please come and take the children to Fraser's Ridge. I have seen how the death of your mother in childbirth has affected you- witnessing that pain, and I would rather they be safe with their family at the Ridge, if the worst happens. I know this might be a good time to get away, but for the sake of our bairns, I cannot bear if something goes wrong for them to be without you.
John knows I have written this and while I daresay he disagrees with my prognosis, he said I can write what I wish. He's good like that. I think the thought of such an ending is too much to bear so he presses on. And yet, I am their mother and I must shield and protect their hearts more than my own, which causes me to confront the reality of all this. Please consider what I have said as I know you will.
with fond regards,
E
Jamie folded the parchment, then took off his spectacles, chewing on the end, contemplatively. The draw to Eleanor's side was fierce, but he wasn't certain that he could do as she asked and take the children and leave her to her fate, even with Lord John by her side. If Ellie was in danger, it went against every instinct not to remain by her side, fighting for her in any way possible and being by his friends side- both Ellie and John. And if she was truly in danger, then Claire should come with him. And yet...he wasn't sure if Claire would be willing to do so.
Claire shook her head, wearily, but did not offer her opinion, simply folding up the parchment and putting it on the table.
Jamie cleared his throat. "Are ye not worrit over her heath?" he pressed, "Considering this..." he waved his hand in the direction of the letter.
"First trimester can come with various woes as Eleanor very well knows. It isn't a sign of trouble." Claire said, her voice even.
"Do you think she is exaggerating her sickness then, Sassenach?" Jamie's eyebrows both raised.
Claire shrugged her shoulders, "Sometimes I think she is overly dramatic over things...yes. I mean she makes a big deal over little things that wouldn't even bother you or I."
"She isna from this time so the things she dinnae ken worries her," Jamie defended.
"I am not either," Claire said, "But I am not worried over every little thing."
"Ye faced war, Claire," Jamie retorted, "Tis verra different than the time Eleanor lived."
"Bree is fine here as well," Claire pointed out. "She wasn't panicked over Jemmy's birth."
"Eleanor has just lost a bairn and she isna as young as Bree," Jamie said. "And she is still scarrit because Hope's birth was so verra difficult. She kens how lucky she was to survive it. I dinnae blame her for being worrit over it especially considerin she has four bairns to care for plus William. Why are ye being so hard on the lass?"
"I don't think I am," Claire said.
They fell quiet, Claire looking down at the table and Jamie watching her, studying her expression carefully. Finally, he let out a long breath, "Just say what ye wish, Sassenach, and be done with it. I canna figure ye out tonight."
"Do you really wish to know what I think?" Claire asked, looking up.
"Of course, I do," Jamie said.
"Very well, then," Claire met his eyes, "I just think that Eleanor perhaps likes the attention from you and that is why she wrote this letter."
"Nah," Jamie shook his head, swiftly, "Now, I dinnae deny Ellie is prone to to worry, but I dinnae think she does fer some sort of malicious regard to make her the center of attention. Tis not Eleanor's way."
"Then you defend this?" Claire picked up and waved the letter in front of him.
"I dinnae need to defend her...there is nothin here to defend," Jamie said, his voice low, but firm. "The letter isna unreasonable on Eleanor's part. I am the father of four children I share with the lass and if somethin does happen to their mama, then it is best fer me to be there with them. She has every right ask this of me. And it isna like she is asking me to stay with her. She said to take them back with me, but I dinnae ken if that is the right thing to do..." he paused, considering it and then said, bluntly, "no, I dinnae like that notion at all."
"So you want to stay even though you have obligation here at the Ridge?" Claire asked, her eyebrows raised.
"I canna deny that I feel torn between my obligation to Eleanor and our bairns and the Ridge," Jamie said, quietly.
"She has Lord John," Claire titled her head. "Her husband."
"And I am sure she is gathering great comfort from Lord John. But Lord John, while he is a dear friend, he isna the father of my children," Jamie said, "I am. And I willna have them face an uncertain future without me. And if Eleanor becomes ill or has a difficult labor, then I want to be there...to help them through whatever is to come. I lost my mother in childbirth and every single time, Eleanor gave birth...there were moments..." he shook his head, "weel, let's just say that I dinnae take the process lightly. To be honest...I was scarrit out of my mind though I tried my best not to show it."
"She is not your wife any longer, Jamie."
Jamie let out a long breath, "Aye, of course she is no."
"Then what is it?" Claire pressed, exasperated.
Jamie let out a long breath and then plunged in, "I canna just say it wouldna mattter if Eleanor died. And I dinnae think ye can ask me to feel that way. Fer Christ's sake, she is the mother of my children!"
"Matter to you or the children? Because there is a difference," Claire pointed out.
"Both," Jamie said, "She may not be a Fraser by blood nor by marriage, but she is still a part of my clan, Claire. I canna deny her place in our family. She has earned that."
"Cannot or will not?" Claire's voice was low.
Jamie looked at her in the eyes, "I will not."
"And where do I fit into all of this?" Claire asked, very still.
"Ye are my wife," Jamie said, his voice low. "And I love ye. But I beg ye... do not force me to shirk my obligation to Eleanor and my wee bairns because ye are jealous."
Claire fell quiet. They stared at each other for a long while, at an impasse.
"Brianna and Roger are still struggling, Jamie," Claire said, quietly. "Your daughter needs you as well."
"And I have been here for Bree," Jamie said, firmly, "And I will always be here fer Bree, Jemmy and Roger. But Brianna loves these wee uns as well and I dinnae think she would want me to not go to them considerin the circumstances. But I will talk to her if ye'd like."
Claire sighed, "Can you just wait until after Ian and Fergus go on their surveying trip?"
Jamie nodded, "Aye, and I dare say Ian will want to come with us..." he paused, unsure at his assumption, "ye are comin with me, are ye no, Claire?"
Claire lifted her eyes to look at the ceiling, "The people at the Ridge need me to care for them. It has been quite busy at the surgery. And surely, John can afford to send for a physician. There is not another doctor for days here. I do not feel comfortable leaving again so soon after we have returned."
Jamie turned his head aghast, "Do ye think fer one minute that Eleanor will consent to an unknown physician? she kens what medicine is like these days...and sometimes the cure is worse than the illness."
"To be honest, there is not much I can do either in this time...safely," Claire said, her voice quietly.
"And still ye fight me aboot going?" Jamie asked, his voice low. "If something happens to Eleanor and I am not there, I dinnae think I could ever look at my children in the eyes again...and be the father I ken I need to be fer them. Tis a matter of honor, Claire. Please."
He paused and then continued, "And if need be, ye could try to help her, couldna ye? Ye have a gift as a healer and Eleanor trusts ye...and needs ye."
"Maybe," Claire said, "Let me talk to Brianna and think about it, Jamie."
"Aye, verra weel, thank ye for considering it. I will talk to Brianna as weel," Jamie said, leaning to give her a kiss. "I love ye, Sassanach...no matter what, I love ye. Please ken that."
"I do know that, Jamie. And I love you too, Jamie," Claire said, softly.
And yet as they said those words to each other, both felt as if something shifted in their relationship- from trust and understanding...to something else...something not defined yet, but something there nonetheless.
"Mister Fraser," William stood at the entrance to the barn as Jamie was feeding the horses. "Good Morning."
"Aye, a verra gut morning to ye, William," Jamie said, continuing her work, "Did ye sleep weel, lad?"
"Yes, very pleasantly," William said, "Thank you again for your hospitality."
"Of course," Jamie reached for the brush to groom the horse, "Ye are always welcome at the Ridge. " He paused, aware of William watching him, carefully, a far-off look in his face. He glanced at him, clearing his throat, "Ye used to watch me for hours tend to the horses when ye were but a wee laddie. Ye loved them even then."
"Yes," William coughed. " So Mama told you then."
"Aye, Eleanor has told me that you remember me from Helwater."
"I do," William said, simply. He strode over to him and then reached over for another brush, "May I?"
"Of course," Jamie said.
"Mama said that you are a good man even in spite of your past and the reason why you were at Helwater," William said, brushing the horse.
"Aye, but I am sure that it may be confusing fer ye that Eleanor and Lord John are such gut friends with a man that has a past as I," Jamie said, easily, "But, the thing is," he looked over at him, "Ye are almost a man now...and ye can make yer own judgements of what ye ken to be true from yer time with us at the Ridge fer the past few years and if that weighs out the truth of my past, which I do hope it does."
"Mama said besides my Papa, ye are the best man she has ever known in her life. She often has very good judgement," William offered. "And she was quite insistent about defending your past."
Jamie looked over and couldn't help but smile, "Was she?"
"Yes, though Papa wouldn't defend your past," William said.
"I suspect Lord John wouldn't," Jamie smiled more. "And yet still, here we are."
"Indeed," William continued to brush the horse. They fell quiet for a few moments.
"Lord John says ye have become a verra accomplished rider," Jamie said, changing the subject.
"I enjoy it...and of course, I had a fine teacher in my youngest years," William said, "Did you never think of teaching Mama how to ride...when you and she were wed?"
"Aye," Jamie chuckled and then reached for the feed to feed the next horse, "It wasna fer lack of tryin. She gets by, though I ken she willna ever enjoy it."
William put down the brush and then pet the horse, "This a very fine horse."
"Aye, a gift from my Auntie. A bit wild, but if ye like, we can go riding this afternoon."
"I do not wish to trouble you. I am certain you have duties to attend to."
"It wouldna be any trouble," Jamie said, smiling. "And I have nothin pressing that canna be done by someone else here. I would enjoy it if ye'd like."
"Yes. Then, I'd like that," William said. He reached into his pocket. "Oh, I almost forgot."
"What is it?" Jamie asked, taking the note.
"Mac must have snuck it into my luggage. It is his handwriting. I didn't unfold it, but I found it last night as I was unpacking, though it was too late to give it to you."
Jamie unfolded the parchment and then read over the brief note. He handed it to William, "You can read it if you'd like."
William frowned as he read it. "Papa said there wasn't a cause to be concerned, that many women feel poorly in their first months." He looked up at Jamie, his eyes filled with concern.
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Tis true. But he must have overheard your Papa and Mama talkin."
"Is this true? Is she in danger?"
"There is always a risk in childbirth."
William looked troubled, but turned back to the horse, petting it. After a minute, he asked, quietly. "Were you there then?"
"There?" Jamie asked, looking up from his work, not following William's line of questioning.
"At Helwater..." William stroked the horse, "when my mother died having me."
Jamie paused for a long second, and then nodded, "Aye, lad, I was there."
"Mama was very ill in Jamaica. She kept screaming. Papa was besides himself. It was awful."
"Aye, childbearing is a frightful trial at times," Jamie said, matter of factually, but William's perspective of Hope's birth, rattled Jamie to his core. He again felt that instinctive need to be near to her, to protect her from the unseen future was so very strong...even if it was no longer his place to feel that way...
"Papa never said, but..." William paused, "I think she was in danger. He sent me out, but I knew that Eleanor may not make it."
"Aye," Jamie nodded. "She was in danger during wee Hope's birth."
"Then..." William swallowed, "Is it more likely...?" his voice trailed off. "Mama is clearly worried from Mac's note."
"I don't ken...but I ken I do pray fer Eleanor's safety every day," Jamie said.
"Will you not consider coming?" William asked, turning his head to look at Jamie in the eyes. "Especially since Mac asked you to?"
"Of course, I will come," Jamie said, "But Roger and Ian are coming back in the next few days. And I ken Ian will want to come as weel. And Roger must help run the Ridge in my absence."
"Will Mistress Fraser come to help Mama?" William asked, "Mama doesn't like physicians."
"I dinnae ken if she will," Jamie said, "But I will ask her to."
"Why wouldn't she if Mama is in danger?" William pressed, his eyes on Jamie again.
"Mistress Fraser is helping people on the Ridge and she is very busy," Jamie said, lightly.
"But this is Mama," William said, "and we all need her."
"I ken, lad," Jamie went over to put his hand on William's shoulder, "Mistress Fraser will come if she thinks she is needed or if she can help. Dinnae fash, William."
"Maybe I should go ahead," William said, "Mama said to hurry home."
"You need to rest before attempting another journey," Jamie said, "Eleanor did not expect ye to return the next day. We will all go when Roger and Ian return. A few days willna make much of a difference. Yer Papa is right. The danger lies further on, not at the moment."
William looked stormy, "I do not wish to sit around and wait."
"Of course, ye dinnae," Jamie said, evenly, "Perhaps, ye would like to help me with the chores like ye usually do with the wee lads when ye visit the Ridge before we go riding this afternoon, if that is not imposing too much on ye. It could take yer mind off of things."
William nodded. "Very well, Mister Fraser."
Jamie smiled at him, "But before that, we have not eaten breakfast yet. Ye will feel better with a full belly...and we can talk more on our ride."
William nodded, but remained silent. When they were walking back to the house, he said, quietly, "I do not mean to be rude. I am just concerned."
"Of course you are," Jamie said, "And I'm glad ye are so protective over Eleanor."
"She is special...my mama," William said, his voice low.
"Aye, that she is," Jamie said, "I couldna agree more."
A/N: thoughts?