A/N: as usual, I'm so sorry for the delay. Between virtual school and the holidays, there was not been much time. But a nice long chapter for you…would love to know what you think! A bit of action at the end…
Chapter 44:
"Why dinnae ye say anythin, Murtagh?" Jamie asked. "I had every right to ken the truth and yet ye denied me of it?"
"If I did say somethin, what would ye have done?" Murtagh retorted, "ye werena ready to claim the bairn and it would have only added a heap of sorrow upon Eleanor. I couldna do that to her."
"But isna innocent in this. I asked and she lied to me!" Jamie said, angrily, "And now it may be too late! Hope could die and I willna have had the chance to be her Da."
"Lad," Murtagh's hand went to rest heavily on Jamie's shoulder, "ye canna fault Eleanor fer somethin she did to protect herself. How many times must ye tread upon her? She dinnae deserve such heartbreak, and yet she canna escape it." He paused, seeing the affect his words had on Jamie. "Did ye never wonder why I did not show much interest in the wee un? The signs were there, ye just chose to ignore them...fer yer own marriage's sake."
"Ye werena angry at Eleanor fer it?" Jamie asked, "Ye were marrit to her at the time."
"Angry at Eleanor?" Murtagh chuckled, "Nah, I wasna. I sent the lass into yer bed that day. But I dinnae realize how deep the cost would be. Ye threw her aside again, and then ye are angry at her fer it? Nah, I am no angry at Eleanor...more at myself fer doin that again to the poor lass."
"Were ye no angry fer her marrying Lord John?" Jamie asked, his voice low.
Murtagh shook his head, swiftly, "She and I were always more suited as friends than lovers. And bein put in the middle of ye and her...it wasna fair to either of ye because my oath was to ye, not to her. As far as whether she was a gut wife...Eleanor was better to me than she gave herself credit for. But there was a weight on her that I couldna take away, try as I might. Lord John, has made Eleanor herself again. Nah, I will never begrudge the lass fer her happiness." He paused, "I have always liked the lass, Jamie, faults and all. As do ye, might I add? I think ye would do weel to remember that wee fact."
"Aye, I like her just fine," Jamie admitted, begrudgingly, "But she still shouldna have put ye in that situation."
Murtagh raised an eyebrow, "Perhaps. But by all rights, she should be raisin yer bairns with ye as yer wife...and she isna."
"Aye," Jamie acknowledged, "Will ye no just let me be angry at Eleanor fer a moment longer? Better angry here than angry with her…"
"Aye," Murtagh squeezed his shoulder, "Get yer frustration out, lad…because when ye are with Eleanor, ye mustn't make her feel more sorrow that she already does. She willna be able to bear yer censure with Hope bein so ill."
"Why do ye think I am here?" Jamie asked, "I ken that. And I canna ever want to add to her hurt and yet I do…all the time it seems."
Murtagh studied him, "Ye still love her." He observed.
"Aye," Jamie said, simply, "I do even though I ken I shouldna."
"How can ye help but?" Murtagh asked. "She is the mother of yer bairns."
"Aye, but tis more than that," Jamie said, "After Claire left, I spent those years in agony…in a fog, not wantin to feel, just tryin to survive day to day without her."
"I remember," Murtagh said.
"And finally, I felt like I had to shut myself off to feelin anything…and then William was born, and I started again to allow myself to care…but I had to leave him. But then, we saw Eleanor…and ye forced me to marrit her…and she was so broken, but I ken her bonny spirit so weel because she was like me…beaten down by fate…and yet, she healed my brokenness in spite of her own brokenness…or maybe because of it. It was because she just loved so fully that we healed together. And we were stronger because of it…that it twas a fight to find what we found. I canna shut her out completely try as I might…even if I ken that she is Lord John's and Claire is mine. And now she is hurtin once again and I feel like my heart is goin to tear in two watchin her agony, which is matched so weel with mine…and instead of fightin the draw I have towards her, I just wanna feel angry fer a moment longer to assuage my guilt fer feelin it in the first place."
Murtagh looked at him, sympathetically, "Dinnae be so hard on yerself. Are ye no committed to yer marriage?"
"Aye, I am," Jamie nodded, emphatically.
"Then allow yerself to comfort the mother of yer wee uns as she has her arms around yer ailing bairn…tis only a comfort ye can provide because ye understand it weel."
Jamie nodded, "Ye can come, ye ken. Tryon left earlier. He had visited Eleanor."
Murtagh raised an eyebrow, "Did he now?"
"Aye, offerin his sympathy to her and assistance," Jamie said, dryly, "he is verra attentive to her."
Murtagh snorted, "I'm sure he is…the bastard. No, ye go on. I'll visit Eleanor when it is dark. There are still people around."
"Verra weel," Jamie nodded, "I ken she would want to see ye."
He nodded, "Go on with ye, Jamie."
"Goodbye, Murtagh." Jamie turned to look at his godfather, "And thank ye."
Mt. Josiah
"Jamie!" John called as he bounded down the stairs and across the yard to greet his friend, who had dismounted from his horse. Hope toddled after him, her curls bouncing as she moved. "It's good of you to come."
"How is Eleanor, John?" Jamie inquired, greeting John with a bow.
"Still taken to her bed, weak, but is slowly able to keep down nourishment," he replied, Hope grabbing onto his legs. "More than last week. I pray she is making a turn."
"A gut sign then," Jamie said, handing the reigns of his horse off. "Claire sent some herbs to brew into tea for Ellie to if that could ease her symptoms...poor lassie."
"Mama is sick, Da," Hope peeked out shyly from behind John's legs.
Jamie smiled at his youngest and bent down, "Are ye goin to say hello to yer Da, Hope, leannan or just hide behind yer Papa?"
Hope ducked back behind John. Jamie looked over Ian, part amused, part concerned. "She isna usually this shy."
"Don't mind her. She misses Ellie," John said, untangling her and then picking her up into his arms. "The others are similar. It has been a trying few weeks to say the least. I must confess I am glad you are here, Jamie."
"May I go see my brothers, Papa?" William asked, coming up beside his stepfather.
"Of course, they have been counting the days to your return. Welcome home, William," John said, smiling at his son.
"Hope, do you want to come with me?" William asked, holding out his arms. Hope shook her head and clung to John.
"I need, Papa. I do not wanna William!" Hope said, her voice a full out whine.
"She can stay with me," John said, rubbing her back as Hope tightened her grip on her Papa. "Go on, William." He stopped to give him a one arm hug, before sending him inside to find the boys and Rose.
"Have the children not seen Eleanor verra much then?" Jamie asked, frowning at Hope's clear distress. It seemed like Hope's behavior had backtracked in the past few weeks.
"We thought it best for them not to see her given the severity of her condition. We didn't want them to be unduly afraid," John explained.
"Ah," Jamie reached into his pocket, "Perhaps, ye should read this." He handed him Mac's note.
John shifted Hope and unfolded it, read it stoically, and then gave it back to Jamie, "I see." His voice was low.
"Did ye not have any idea Mac was so worrit?" Jamie pressed, his eyes on John.
"Mac holds his cards close to his chest," John said, quietly. "You know that about him. I knew there was concern...as all the children have demonstrated, but did I think it was more? No, I didn't know he knew so much."
"Aye, I do ken that weel aboot my son, he is verra gut at hidin his feelings," Jamie nodded, "And I ken ye are doin the best ye can fer them, but the bairns need Eleanor, even if it is to see her sick. They need to see her and ken that she is still with them."
"It has been incredibly difficult for all involved," John countered. "The physician recommended against visits from the children- anything that could cause her distress or jolt her unnecessarily."
Jamie raised an eyebrow, "And Ellie agreed to those terms?" he asked, skeptically.
"I fear I did not give her the choice. She was too indisposed to argue with me about it."
Jamie was aghast, "Then she was truly that ill not to argue with ye?"
"Yes, that is what I am trying to say," John said, quietly, Hope burying her head into her Papa's neck. "I think we are troubling the little one, Jamie. Let's take this inside. I am certain you are eager to see the rest of the children."
"That I am," Jamie said.
They came inside to be greeted by Mac, who ran into his father's arms, "I ken ye would come, Da" he whispered.
Jamie knelt down to look into Mac's eyes, "of course, I came, Mac. And we will talk...ye and I later. I have matters to discuss with Lord John." He looked over to see Sam, excitedly hopping on one leg, "Get yerself over here, ye rascal," Jamie laughed at him and opened his other arm. He hugged him tightly, kissing his head. "I missed ye. Where is sissy?"
"Here I am, Da," she said, from William's arms. Her eyes were wide and full of tears, which promptly overflowed and spilled down her cheek, her lip quivering.
Jamie rose, with another pat to Sam and Mac's heads. He swiped past him, frowning, "Are ye no happy to see me, alainn ros?"
"Tis harvest time and if ye are here, Mama must be dying. She must!"
"Oh, leannan, no!" Jamie said, reaching for her. "Come to Da, Rose."
He took her from William's arms. "She got so upset when I told her that you were here, Mister Fraser," William said. "I didn't mean to upset her."
"Aye, dinnae fash, tis not yer fault, William," Jamie said, holding Rose tightly. He looked to John who cleared his throat.
"Clearly, I..." John grew pale. "I didn't realize the effect..."
Jamie took a breath, "Leannans, come close to Da now." he gestured to Mac and Sam. "I want ye to go with William and Ian. Go for a walk so Lord John and I can talk. But I dinnae want ye to be so worrit over yer mama. Lord John said she is doin better, not worse."
"We dinnae ken. We dinnae get to see her," Mac said.
"I ken," Jamie nodded. "Claire sent some herbs to brew into a tea for Mama. Mac, before your walk, perhaps, ye can give them to Susanna to make mama a tea? Ian will show ye where they are. Ye ken how much she loves her tea in the afternoons. And on yer walk, find some flowers to pick fer Mama. If she has been so sick, then it will do weel to brighten her spirits."
"I have some parchment if you would like to write a note as well." John offered. "Show mama how well your writing is coming along...all four of you."
"I can write a H for Hope!" Hope said, her head popping up briefly before burying it again.
"A verra gut idea," Jamie smiled at her antics, "What do ye think?"
"Aye, Da," Mac said.
John nudged Hope, "Sweetheart, I want you to go with William."
Hope put her thumb in her mouth, "Hope stay with Papa and Da."
"No, love, Da and Papa need to talk without little ears around." John put her down.
Hope began to pout but William reached for her, swinging her up in his arms. He whispered in her ear and Hope giggled and then nodded.
"Thank you, Ian, William," John said.
"Of course," Ian nodded at Lord John and then reached for Rose's hand.
Jamie and John said their goodbyes to the children before Jamie clasped John's arm, "I have whisky," he said, conspiratorially, "If ye dinnae think tis too early to drink"
"No, that sounds come welcome," John said, honestly, "Come. We can talk in my study."
He led them to the study, Jamie pouring drinks for them. They settled down- Jamie on the couch and John in his chair by the fire, drinks in hand.
After a few minutes of silence, listening to the fire crackle, John took a long sip, before saying, "I'm sorry about the children, Jamie. I do not know what to say about it. Clearly, things got overlooked in the past few weeks and there is no excuse for it."
"It is not all your shoulders, John," Jamie said, his voice kind. "Ye had yer hands full with Eleanor and ye have others who can care fer their daily needs. I have no doubt they were weel looked after by Susanna and the others."
"Yes, but I am their stepfather...and...it is unforgivable that I did not ascertain that Mac and Rosie were struggling so. Eleanor needed me so...and" John paused, "I was very worried for her. She was very weak and perhaps it caused me to be too singularly focused."
"It's not a surprise it would if Ellie was that ill," Jamie nodded, "Ye are doin the best ye can, John. Please, dinnae worry over the children. Going forward, we can come up with a plan to meet both Eleanor's needs and those of the bairns if she is to continue to be unable to care fer the bairns herself."
"Then, you will not take them back with you?" John asked, his tone tinged with surprise.
"Not unless ye wish fer it," Jamie said.
"I'm surprised you do not wish for it," John said, honestly. "All things considered..."
"Weel," Jamie took a breath, "Claire and I discussed it and decided it would be best fer the children to stay with ye and Eleanor. Tis a very unsettling time at the Ridge with Roger and Bree. She and I will come back together closer to when their bairn is due." He paused, "But...if ye need me to take the wee uns, of course, as their father, I will. Tis I just worry it will make the wee uns fear more fer their mother's safety, not less."
"No, that is not necessary. As you said, we have help aplenty," John said. "And I have interviews for a governess for the little ones, so that should help as well. It was difficult, but not impossible"
"Aye, but a governess is not their family," Jamie said, taking another sip, "So if ye need me...to stay...or..." he paused again, "take the children, I will."
"Would you be able to stay?" John asked, frowning.
"I wish to, but wee Rose is correct aboot the harvest."
"Of course," John studied him, "Jamie..." he frowned, deeper, before diving in, "Is there something amiss with Claire? I must admit I am surprised she is not here."
Jamie looked into his glass, swishing it around.
"I don't mean to pry," John said, quietly. "if you rather not talk about it, I would understand."
"Nah, I dinnae mind," Jamie said, "Perhaps, it will do well to talk aboot it with someone."
"What's the matter then?" John asked. "Are you and Claire not doing well?"
"I dinnae ken. I thought so, but lately, she seems upset by my divided attention."
"Is that so?" John didn't hide his surprise, "Your attention has been divided for some time, Jamie."
"I dinnae deny it, but..." Jamie paused, "I canna say that Eleanor's letter did not affect me...the thought of her in danger..."
"That shouldn't be surprising either," John countered, reasonably. "after all, you and she share children."
"No, but.." Jamie shifted, "I couldna say to her it wasna more than her just being the mother of my children."
"I see," John looked at him, evenly, "Still that shouldn't come as a surprise for her...it isn't for me."
"Aye, and weel, even at Auntie's wedding, Claire was bothered that I was so concerned about Eleanor being with Tryon "
"Ah," John took another sip, "Jealousy, Jamie, it is a very tricky emotion indeed."
"But it isn't as if I wish to be with Eleanor," Jamie said, looking up and meeting his eyes, "I do not covet your wife, John." he said, bluntly. "Nor will I."
"Of course, you do not," John conceded, "I see no danger of that."
"But I canna say she dinnae matter to me...that I can be indifferent towards her...that her trouble or suffering dinnae affect me because it does."
"Do you truly think that is what Claire wants? Indifference?" John asked, curiously. "Tis a high reach if so."
"I dinnae ken. Or perhaps...maybe priority."
"With four little ones running afoot?" John mused, "It seems unlikely...but..." he paused, considering, "perhaps, this is prompted by something else entirely..."
"Such as?" Jamie prompted.
"If," John paused, taking another sip, "you are still drawn to Eleanor... if that hasn't gone away after so many years as Claire might have expected it to when you and she reunited, then the question that she might still be confronted with...is that if Eleanor didn't choose for you so many years ago, would you have chosen to stay with Claire...and if you didn't, would that choice have been...a result of the children?"
Jamie swallowed hard, "Surely, after so many years, she wouldn't be hashing all that up again."
"As I said, Jamie, jealousy, is a very tricky emotion," John countered. "I, for one, am content with the closeness that you and Eleanor share...for somehow you, she, and I...we are all entwined by some force of fate...and I have my own proclivities that draw me to both of you in different ways."
"Aye," Jamie frowned. "But Claire doesna have that with Eleanor..."
John snorted, "Obviously not." He took another sip, "Then perhaps, you should simply put her heart at ease and tell her that you would have chosen her all those years ago..." John said, lightly. "I know you haven't said so for Eleanor's feelings, but it could help in case somehow it was relayed back to her...but even in that unlikely scenario, I don't think Eleanor would begrudge you the truth."
Jamie froze, "I..."
"What is it?" John asked, curiously.
"I just...I dinnae think I can do that," he sputtered.
"Why ever not?"
"Because I dinnae ken if it is the truth!" Jamie exclaimed, exasperated.
"Ah," John gave him a look, putting down his tumbler, "Really?" He raised his eyebrows. "Great God in heaven, are you telling me...after all of this...that it was Eleanor all along that you would have chosen?" He paused, pondering it, "I mean...at first, I thought it was that way, but Eleanor was so adamant that it wasn't and the more I saw you with Claire, I saw what she meant by it all...but truly?"
"I dinnae ken," Jamie said, softly. "Now, I would choose Claire fer we have found again what we had shared, but back then? My regard for Eleanor...it wasn't...false. And at the time, if Eleanor had not been so difficult, and sparked my temper, by pushing me so far from her...then...I dinnae ken. The love Ellie and I shared, it was always enough to stand on its own...regardless of what I felt fer anyone else."
"Yes, I was witness to the love that you and she did share," John said, slowly, "And I, obviously, can attest to the merits of Eleanor as a wife. But Claire..." he shifted, "she is your partner, Jamie. We all see that."
"Aye, I ken. She and I are of one mind...and she is the verra best to build this life with me at the Ridge. And yet, I canna say that I ever thought Eleanor was less of a partner. She was my partner in every way...even if she couldna shoot and butcher and mend wounds...even if she does enjoy the finer comforts of life...we were weel matched in spite of who I was and who she was. And she brought a lot of joy into my life…as she still does."
"I know what you are saying is true, John said, quietly. "I saw you with her...I never doubted that. And I see you with her now…and know that she and you will always share a closeness that the bond of five years of marriage and four children brings."
"Aye, but that being said," Jamie gave him a lopsided grin, "I will not deny that she does verra weel with navigating the politics of polite society as yer wife...and perhaps she is more suited fer that life...upon reflection...but at the time, I wouldna have said that, John."
"And for all her fussing about society, she does do an admirable job of it," John said, smiling back. "Well," John offered, picking back up his drink and taking another sip, "If you can't in good conscious give Claire that, then, tell her it simply does not matter any longer. That you and she are together and that is all that matters."
"But...I think it bothers her...that I did fall in love in the first place...and there is still..." Jamie paused, "affection there."
"That is highly impractical of her," John frowned, "And very unlike her."
"Is there ever practicality in these matters?" Jamie asked.
"Plenty," John said, dryly. "You must find a way to make Claire understand...Claire jealous over Ellie, can only spell trouble for us all, Jamie. Especially the children. They will feel the tension in the family and with Eleanor's heath, it is the last thing we need."
"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, draining his drink, "But enough of this. We must talk aboot the wee uns...and I am afraid I have distressing news that I must share...one I must tell Eleanor."
"Is it Mr. Fitzgibbons?" John asked, quietly.
"Aye," Jamie said, his voice low. "He was shot and killed in battle."
"Oh, Jamie," John responded, "I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know how dear he was to you."
"Aye, he was," Jamie responded. "I must tell Eleanor...but...if you wish to tell her the news yourself...I wish us to tell Mac together."
"I think it should come from you," John said, "Eleanor is stronger. She would want to talk to you about it...since you and she share a genuine affection for Mister Fitzgibbons."
"He was verra fond of Eleanor...in spite of the difficulty of their marriage," Jamie said, "the fact he kept Hope from me...shows the depth of his regard still for her."
"She cared for him a great deal," John said, quietly. "You should tell her and then you and her can figure out Mac...but as for the children..."
"Aye, aboot the wee uns," Jamie looked at John, evenly, "Ye canna keep them away from their mama. And ye must carve out time fer them as weel...to spend with ye and Ellie to ensure that they are weel and not so worrit over everything."
"But the physician was quite adamant..."
"But if ye can ensure they dinnae jump on her," Jamie said, "especially Hope and Sam are rougher than the others. They can visit one at a time. I just canna believe Eleanor would consent to keeping the wee uns at arm's length."
"She was so indisposed," John said. "She asked after them...every time she saw myself or Susanna."
"Ye dinnae have to defend Eleanor. I ken she is a fine mama. And I ken how ill she must have been to agree to all of this."
"I think she was overwhelmed at the thought of the children needing her as well."
Jamie frowned, "Poor lass. I ken that would be verra difficult fer her. Is she weel enough fer visitors?"
John raised an eyebrow, "I doubt she would consider you a visitor, Jamie. She is resting now, but has been for a while, so she is probably awake if you want to go and see her."
"Do ye mind?" Jamie asked.
"Of course not," John said, "Go and see her for yourself. I think it will make both of you feel better."
Jamie nodded and then took his leave, eager to see Eleanor to make sure she was truly doing better.
"Jamie!" Eleanor struggled to sit up. "I didn't expect to see you!"
"Hello, mo ghraidh," Jamie smiled at her, from the doorway, "I hope it is a gut surprise, lassie."
"Indeed it is," she said, still attempting to push herself up.
His grin widened and with a few long strides, crossed the room to gently grip her by the arm to help her sit up, then reached for pillows to prop behind her back. "There ye are. Is that better?"
"Yes," she nodded. "Thank you," she coughed, her throat dry.
"Did I wake ye?" Jamie stepped over to the dresser to pour her some water.
"Yes, but all I do these days is sleep and try not to vomit," Eleanor admitted, taking the water.
"I thought Lord John said ye were better," Jamie sat in the chair next to her bed.
"Well, I think what he meant is that these days I succeed more in that endeavor than before," Eleanor said, dryly. "I have never thrown up so much in my life."
"Ye poor lass," Jamie reached out to squeeze her hand, "I ken how difficult it is from my sea travels."
"I know you do," She nodded, "Is Claire here then?"
"No, she had to say at the Ridge, but she sent some herbs and such fer ye. I think Susanna will brew them for you if you that ye can tolerate it."
"I could try," Eleanor offered.
"Gut," Jamie frowned, studying her, "John said ye are still not eating much. Ye need to regain her strength, Ellie, even if ye are weary of it." His frowned deepened at how frail she looked.
"Oh God, I must look frightful," Eleanor said, twisting a tendril of hair, a small smile on her lips, "You are scowling at me, James."
"Nah, I am just worrit aboot ye," Jamie said, "Ye, as usual, are verra bonny, Lady John."
She laughed, "Ye are lying to me, but I thank you for the compliment."
"Verra gut," Jamie laughed in turn. "It was meant sincerely, mo ghraidh."
"Then perhaps you are too kind to me," Eleanor countered.
"I dinnae like how frail ye look...tis all...but I suppose it is to be expected."
"Yes," She titled her head, "Why didn't Claire come? She always travels with you."
"She felt she was needed more at the Ridge," Jamie said.
Eleanor looked at him, now her turn to study him, easily reading him, "Was she upset that I wrote to you?"
"Never ye mind that, lassie," Jamie said, sternly, "Ye arena to worry over what ye canna help. Do ye hear?"
"It's just," Eleanor frowned, worriedly, "I wasn't meaning to be needy."
"Eleanor," Jamie glared at her, "What did I just say to ye?"
Ellie ignored him, "Did she think I was being manipulative?" her forehead creased in worry. "I had John read it. He didn't say so and he would have if so. It wasn't for me. I mean...I'm glad to see you and all as I always am, but its the children...I have been so worried over them and I just couldn't be the mother I need to be...and since...they are ours..." Eleanor bit her lip, "I would never want to hurt Claire, Jamie. But I don't want her to think badly of me...because it wasn't like that. It really wasn't."
"Ellie," Jamie held up his hand, "Ye dinnae have to explain yer reasonings to me. I think ye should have written me. And seeing the wee uns today, confirmed it. I am their father. And if there is anything ye need fer the bairns, ye have every right to say what it is. I canna always promise I can meet those needs, but I dinnae ever want ye to keep them from me because ye are worrit aboot what canna be helped."
"Okay," Eleanor said, slowly. "I'm sorry. I really feel awful I am disrupting your life right now. I know it is harvest time and the Ridge is so busy."
"Don't be," Jamie said, reaching for her hand again, squeezing it gently, "Ye dinnae need to worry aboot Claire and I or the Ridge. Ye have enough goin on right here." He stood, "We need to talk, Eleanor, but would ye like to try the tea Claire sent? And maybe some broth?"
"John has been force feeding me, Jamie," Eleanor said, amused, "You don't have to start too."
"Weel, ye see, now that I am here," Jamie smiled at her, "I canna help but to take the opportunity to boss ye around...give John a wee break at it since I think he takes less pleasure in it than I do."
She giggled, "Now that I believe." She paused, "Where are the children?"
"With William and Ian..."
Her face lit up, "Is Ian here? And William is back home? "
"Aye, I thought ye'd like that," Jamie said. "They are engaged in a verra special project. I will be back in a few minutes," Jamie said.
"Okay," Eleanor said. "I'll be here."
He grinned at her and turned to leave but then he stopped, remembering something. He pulled out the ring out of her pocket. "I promised I would return this to ye safely, lassie."
Eleanor smiled at him, "And you are a man of your word," she said, lightly.
"Aye," he said, reaching for her hand, sliding it on her finger. "There ye are. It's verra bonny on ye, lass."
"Thank you for returning it to me in one piece," Eleanor said, studying the ring, "And returning yourself in one piece."
"Aye, I must say I am glad fer it as weel," Jamie nodded, "Now, let me go get those things fer ye." He smiled and left, shutting the door behind him. He walked do the hallway to the stairs.
John met him midway on the stairs, "Susanna is preparing tea and some broth."
"Aye, verra gut," Jamie said, "She said she would try to eat. She is verra frail, John. I have never seen her so."
"She will recover her strength now that she is holding some sustenance down," John said, his voice reassuring. "She will be fine, Jamie."
He nodded, "I'm sure she will."
But the truth was, Jamie wasn't sure of it at all.
"How is it goin down, lassie?" Jamie said, watching her steadily.
She wrinkled her nose and then leaned her head back, wearily. "I don't think I can eat more." She had only taken a few spoonfuls.
"Ah," Jamie rose and went to sit on the bed with her, "Weel then. Hand in here." He reached for the bowl and she gave it to him.
"Jamie," Ellie sighed. "It's all so exhausting."
"I ken, my wee besom," Jamie smiled at her, gently, "Just a few more, Ellie," Jamie said, his voice kind. "Ye must recover yer strength...or I fear ye'll never survive the months to come...not to mention, ye must think on yer bairn and the nourishment her or she needs."
She nodded, "You have found my weakness, Mr. Fraser."
"Aye, tis always so," He smiled at her, dipping the spoon in the broth, "Now, what do you do with our wee uns? Shall we do that to motivate ye to try?"
"Airplane," Eleanor smiled, but her lip quivered. "It never works so well with them- since they don't have a frame of reference to what the heck an airplane is...and yet, still I do it. I don't know why. Habit maybe?"
"Aye, weel, tis always entertaining to watch ye with our bairns if not maybe the most effective from time to time," Jamie said, with a lopsided grin and gave her a spoonful. "There ye are. Another un."
He grew serious, watching her struggle. "Ye are a fine mama, Eleanor. I dinnae want ye to forget that in all of this."
"I miss them so."
"I ken ye do," Jamie said.
"I fear they were neglected these past few weeks...I know John tried, but bearing the load of both mother and father was never fair for him...especially with four children and Hope being so young."
"Aye, but sometimes, the best is all we can do...they were fed and clothed and safe...and if that is all ye can manage, then that tis enough fer now."
"I didn't wish to keep them away from me, but..." she sighed, "I couldn't fight John especially when the physician was so adamant and he was so worried. I didn't want to add stress to John who already had his hands full with the children."
"Aye, I don't think ye acted wrongly, Eleanor. Actually," he gave her another spoonful, "It shows what a verra gut wife ye are to him."
"Do you think?"
"Aye, I do," Jamie gave her another spoonful, "What's more, is he does too."
"I hope so," She smiled and then wrinkled her nose as he tried to give her another spoonful, "If you feed me one more spoonful, I will throw up. Fair warning."
He laughed, "Weel, tis more than ye had before, so tis gut I think."
She nodded and leaned her head back, "What am I going to do, Jamie?" she sighed.
"Ye arena going to put the weight of all of this on your shoulders," Jamie said, seriously, reaching out to gently rub her cheek with his fingers, "and ye are goin to focus on restoring yer strength for the bairn ye carry inside ye."
"At the expense of our children?" Eleanor asked, her voice cracking.
"Our bairns will be fine..." Jamie said, "Dinnae fash aboot them."
"They have already been through so much...more than any child should have to and..."
"Mo ghraidh," Jamie's voice was low, "they are verra loved by so many...they ken that weel...and when it comes down to it, that will carry them far."
"I'm glad you are here for them," she said, softly.
"Aye, me too," Jamie rose and put the bowl on the tray on the dresser. "now, that is done, I have to tell ye something, lass. Something important, but I fear it might be distressing."
"Okay," Eleanor bit her lip, "Is everything okay?"
He sat back down on the bed, "No." He reached for her hand, holding it between his, clasping her hand tightly, "Lord John said ye are strong enough to hear this but if ye arena..."
"No, you must tell me, Jamie. What has happened?"
"It's Murtagh."
"Oh," Eleanor's stomach sank, "Was he hurt? Is that the reason why Claire stayed at the Ridge?"
"No, mo ghraidh. He was hurt...but...there was nothin anybody could do."
Eleanor closed her eyes, tightly, "Oh, Jamie. You had just found him again...and Mac. He is going to take this so hard. And...Murtagh," her voice cracked. "How did it happen? No, I don't want to know it."
She paused, struggling, "Just…I need to know if..."
"What do ye need to ken?" Jamie asked, tears in his eyes.
"Was it terrible for him when he…?" Ellie bit her lip, "Was he in pain?"
"No, alainn ros, it was verra quick and peaceful," Jamie's voice trembled. She opened her eyes at the emotion of his voice. She squeezed his hand as he turned his head away, "I'm sorry. I dinnae mean to..." his voice trailed off.
She studied him, and then gently rubbed his arm with her free hand, trying to comfort him, unable to restrain herself when he was in so much pain. "How are you doing, James?" she murmured.
"I..." Jamie murmured in barely a whisper. He shuddered. "I ken it has been some time, but tellin ye...it feels so..."
"Raw?" Ellie supplied, her eyes on him.
"Aye."
Eleanor scooted over to put her arms around Jamie, "I'm so sorry. I know he was like a father to you."
"Aye, he was," Jamie said, leaning his head on her shoulder for a moment, his arms around her waist. "And I ken ye loved him too."
"I did. He was special," Eleanor pulled away, "Such a good friend to me when I didn't deserve it. I don't know what I would have done without him in this time...and he was so kind to me."
"Aye, he loved ye alot, lassie. "
"I just wish I was better towards him..."
"Nah," Jamie said, "he ken ye gave him what ye could...and he never begrudged ye fer anythin. Ye might think he took my side durin yer marriage with him, but Eleanor, every time, he gave me grief fer what I was doin to ye...defended ye vigorously, even if he expected ye to submit."
"I didn't know that," Eleanor said, softly, "though I suppose it shouldn't surprise me. Part of the beauty of his return was that we could be friends again...and Murtagh was the best friend to have. Do you remember the time when we were first married, and he gave me whisky because he knew you were going to beat me?" she laughed. "He was so serious, pushing it down my throat. And then afterwards, he…" her voice trailed off.
He laughed, "Aye, I remember. I deserved that punch. I was unforgivable towards ye that night. He always ken how to put me in my place when I needed it the most. He made me a better man. Tis hard to think I will never be able to see him again. And there are times when things happen, that I find myself wantin to tell him...to get his guidance."
"Underneath all that gruffness was so much kindness and wisdom of a life well lived."
"Aye," Jamie nodded and they fell silent.
Eleanor finally sighed, "How is Auntie taking it?"
"She feels like she dinnae have a right to mourn...considerin she is marrit to someone else."
"That's not true though..." Eleanor said, "I mean...honestly, if anything happened to you, I would mourn."
"Aye, I told her so," Jamie looked into her eyes, "With regards to ye as weel."
The room grew thick with tension between the two of them...an ominous feeling of what might be.
"But nothing will happen to me," Eleanor said softly.
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Ye will live to probably be ninety, with hair as silver as the moon."
She smiled, "Matching rockers on the porch for all four of us...with our grandkids running around...doesn't that sound marvelous?"
"Aye," Jamie said, "Sounds verra pleasant, mo ghraidh."
"It does," she squeezed his hand again, "When do you want to tell Mac?"
Jamie stood, but not before leaning to kiss her head and help her lay down. "Tonight. Ye must rest first. And I need to check on the wee uns and that status of their surprise."
She nodded. "I am exhausted again."
"Then rest well, mo ghraidh. And dinnae fash aboot the wee uns."
"I'll try."
He smiled at her one more time, before leaving her to rest.
Eleanor's smile was wide as she took the flowers from Sam's hand. "Thank you, sweet boy." She put her arm around him, giving him a side hug and a kiss on the head. "Yellow flowers are my favorite."
"And we made ye cards!" Rosie said as Jamie sat on the bed with her. "See, Mama?" Rosie leaned over and handed her the card, her blue ribbon her framing her hair, matching her dress. Rosie insisted changing and wearing her favorite dress to see mama and Susanna doing her hair. She looked darling and it warmed Eleanor's heart so see her sweet face so excited.
"I see!" Eleanor unfolded it, "Oh, I love it! Thank you!" She turned to where Hope was sitting with John on the other side of the bed. "Hope Fraser Grey," Eleanor's eyes danced, "is this your H?"
"Hope wrote it!" Hope said, clapping her hands, her curls framed in a purple ribbon.
"Oh, my baby," Eleanor reached for her. "You are growing so fast."
"Ellie, be careful," John gave her a mild admonishment, but handed Hope to her regardless.
"Hope is fine, tucked right under my arm, right, sweetie?" Eleanor asked, snuggling with her.
"Yes and Da said to be gentle and Hope will! Hope be a big sister! Hope be a gut girl fer mama!"
"I know you will," Eleanor said. She looked over to where Mac was standing at the door. "Mac, are you okay?"
Mac nodded, but did not move, his eyes studying Eleanor. Ellie looked at John and then Jamie, the latter who gave a small shake of the head. Eleanor turned to focus on the other kids as John stood and headed to where Mac was standing. He put a hand on his shoulder, "Mac will you help me with something?"
"Of course, Papa," Mac said.
"Ye can visit with Mama and I a little later," Jamie said. "Aye?"
"Yes, Da, of course," Mac said, but then left with John, his hand still on Mac's shoulder.
Eleanor looked at Jamie, worried, but then leaned her head down to kiss Hope's curls again and then study the letter again.
"Sam, your penmanship has improved immensely," Eleanor praised, "You must have worked very hard on this."
"Aye, mama," Sam said, proudly.
Jamie reached forward to ruffle his son's hair, and pull him to the side of the bed, his arm around him, protectively as Rosie sat on his lap. "I agree with Mama, ye are doin a fine job with yer writing."
"And Rose, did you draw this pretty flower for me?" Ellie asked.
"Yes, mama, I ken ye would like it."
"I do like it," Eleanor smiled at her daughter. "Are you glad that Da is here, sweetie?" she reached out to rub her arm.
"Aye, ever so glad," Rose said. "I missed him...almost as much as I missed ye, mama."
Jamie held her close, "I missed ye as weel, alainn ros...as I am sure yer mama did."
"Yes, I did. And I wanted to see you all more...I was so sick and the doctor was worried, but Da, Papa and I worked it out, so we can make sure you all have plenty of time with me...even if I am still stuck in this bed. And I think Papa sent for another story from England which is coming soon...so we will all have to read it together! I'm so excited about it!"
"Even Da?" Sam asked, hopefully.
"Unfortunately, no," Jamie kissed his head, "I have to go home soon."
"Because of the harvest?" Rosie asked, turning her head to look at Jamie.
"Aye, leannan, but I had to come and check on ye and yer mama when I learned she was feeling so poorly."
"Because she is mama," Rosie explained to him, "And ye love her." she explained, innocently.
"Aye," Jamie said, seriously, "That is the way of it, Rose Ellen. As I love all of ye. Now I ken she is on the mend, I must go home."
"But I can stay," Ian said from the doorway, "if that if Auntie dinnae minds."
Jamie beckoned him in with a wave of his hand.
"Really?" Sam asked, jumping up and down, thrilled at the prospect of Ian being at Mt. Josiah.
"Are you sure?" Ellie asked, as Ian entered the room to greet Eleanor, leaning down to give her a kiss on the cheek.
"Aye," Ian said, "I can help with the wee uns and keep ye company if ye like, Auntie."
She looked at Jamie, "If it is okay with your uncle...if he can spare you during the harvest."
"I think I can manage if it is what ye want, lad," Jamie said. "But ye just came home."
"Aye, I ken," Ian said, "But I canna leave if I ken that Auntie has a need."
Eleanor let out a breath, "I love you so much, Ian Fraser," she said, reaching for his hand, "thank you. Honestly, I've been so worried about the children and knowing you are here with John, it does help."
"Ye have been worrit aboot us?" Sam asked.
"Of course, I am your mama, am I not?" Eleanor asked, poking at him. "I worry about you all the time. And if you are staying out of trouble...which you have, right?"
"Mostly," Sam admitted, sheepishly.
Eleanor and Jamie exchanged a look, and Jamie winked at her.
"Weel, then it is settled," Jamie said, easing Rose off the bed, before reaching for Hope, sliding her down as well. "Ye three can see mama later...she needs her rest."
"Aye," Hope said, "Rest, Mama!"
"Sweet dreams, Mama," Sam said, hugging her again.
Jamie leaned down to whisper to Ellie, "I'll bring Mac in and few minutes."
She nodded and watched as they left, her heart full.
When Jamie was out the door with Ian and shooed the children off to play, he turned to his nephew...
"Tis verra kind of ye to offer to stay, Ian," Jamie said, "But are ye certain? It will be a long few months before Claire and I come back."
"Aye," Ian nodded, "Auntie dinnae look weel, Uncle. And I canna leave her when I ken she is so frail."
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "thank ye, lad. It does ease my mind as weel to ken ye are here fer Eleanor and the wee uns."
"Yer welcome."
"Mac, sweetheart, come sit with me on the bed," Eleanor said, patting the spot next to her.
"Are ye sure it willna hurt ye?" Mac asked, frowning.
"Aye, I sat with her holding Rosie earlier...and Lord John has as weel," Jamie replied, "And it hasna hurt her, has it?"
"No, but Mama," Mac paused, "I ken that ye are verra sick."
"I was very sick, love," Eleanor said, evenly, "But I am feeling better each day. I promise you."
"Then, ye willna die?" Mac asked, his hands in his pockets.
Jamie put a heavy hand on his shoulder and guided him to the bed, "Sit, James," he said, firmly.
Mac sat down and Jamie sat in the chair.
"Am I in trouble?" Mac frowned.
"No," Eleanor said, quickly, "But Da and I wanted to talk to you about your letter to him. Why didn't you say something to Papa that you overheard Papa and I talking?"
"Papa was so busy," Mac said, "And if I said somethin, then it could be true, and I dinnae want it to be true. It was easier to write it...ye ken?"
Eleanor nodded, "That makes sense. I'm the same way from time to time. But Mac, you can't hide your worries like this...it isn't healthy to do so. Trust me, I know what it is like to worry about things that I can't control...and it can eat away at you...Papa loves you and he would have talked to you about this. He would never want you to struggle...just like Da or I wouldn't."
"Aye, he said that...earlier," Mac said, "I think he was maybe disappointed with me." Mac chewed on his lip.
"Nah, I dinnae think so. Believe me, ye will ken fer certain when Lord John is disappointed," Jamie told him, with a comforting smile.
"Now, that's the truth," Eleanor grinned, "And it is very rarely that happens. Lord John is very generous with us all."
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "He is just worried and sorry he missed that ye were so upset and that he dinnae ken."
"But is it true- what mama and Papa said to each other?" Mac asked Jamie.
Jamie looked to Eleanor, who nodded.
Jamie took a breath and let it out, "Aye, tis a danger bearing bairns. Yer grandmother died of it..and William's mother...and I willna lie to ye aboot it."
Mac nodded. "Could ye go back, Mama?"
"Go back?" Eleanor asked, quizzically.
"To yer own time?" Mac said, "Was it dangerous then fer ye?"
Jamie and she discussed with Mac a long time ago what Mac had questioned about Eleanor's past being in the future. Jamie had patiently laid out the incredibly truth for his son, Eleanor chiming in to answer his very inquisitive questions. Since then, Mac had never mentioned that conversation…so quiet on the topic that Eleanor often forgot he knew the truth of matter…or wondering if he had forgotten the truth of the matter. But clearly, he had not.
"Sweetheart, that's not an option for me," Eleanor said, softly, "And even if it was, I couldn't leave you and Sam and Rosie and Hope."
"But ye'll be leaving us if ye are dead" Mac reasoned. "I think ye should if ye can be safe."
"I cannot travel to do so," Eleanor said, "And even if I could, I would never willingly choose to leave you and your brothers and sisters. My life is here with you all...with your Papa too."
Jamie cleared his throat, "I ken how confusing all of this must be, Mac. And I ken it must be scary to think upon somethin happenin to Mama- that there is a danger. But I also ken how strong yer mama is...and stubborn. If I was a bettin man, James Mackenzie, I willna ever bet against yer mama. That being said, if ye are so inclined, prayin fer yer mama's safety and that of the wee bairn, would be a better use of yer time than frettin over what may or may not come."
"Ye dinnae like well though, Mama." Mac said.
"Well, I know I look awful, Mac," Eleanor said, with a comforting smile, "But I think I am on the other side of it...I feel much better than a few days ago, so as your da would say, dinnae fash, my lad." She paused and Jamie winked at her. "But what would really make me feel better is a hug from my oldest Fraser bairn, James Mackenzie."
"Aye, mama, I can do that," Mac said and then leaned over to give her a long hug. When he pulled away, Eleanor put her hand on his head, "I love you...to the moon and back again...like times a thousand million..."
Mac laughed, "Ah, mama, I love ye too."
Jamie chuckled, "Weel then, now that has settled, Mama and I need to talk to ye some more."
"What about?" Mac asked.
Eleanor reached out to lightly put a hand on Jamie's arm. The comforting gesture surprised Jamie only before a moment before he reached over to cover her hand, clasping it with his other hand. In spite of it all, when it came to their children, they were still very much each other's partner, gathering strength from each other when they needed it most.
He took a breath, "It's aboot yer godfather..." he began.
"Thank you for coming, Jamie," Eleanor said, a few days later, "I know it wasn't ideal timing...and it was a sacrifice."
"Aye, but I am happy to do so," Jamie said, "The bairns needed to see me. And Ian staying here will help."
"His presence is such a blessing for me."
"Aye, I ken," Jamie nodded, "I leave early so I thought I should say my goodbyes tonight."
She nodded, "Can you sit a moment? I want to talk to you about something privately."
"Of course, mo ghraidh," Jamie said. He sat on the chair and waited, "Ye look so perturbed." He frowned at her.
"Yes, that is because," Eleanor shifted the blanket, "I am."
"Weel, speak yer mind, lassie," Jamie prompted. "dinnae be shy."
She forced a smile at him, but still hesitated.
"Why so skittish?"
"Because I'm worried if I say something, it will become real," Eleanor confessed.
"But if it is frettin ye so, then I think ye must," Jamie said, kindly, "Go on. Tell me what is troublin yer soul so badly."
Eleanor twisted her hands, "I'm so worried about John."
"Ye are worrit aboot John?" Jamie asked, his brow creasing. "Why?
"I know he is the most steady man I have ever met in my life...even more so than you...no offense..."
"None taken," Jamie said, easily.
"But earlier, I tried to talk to him...when I first got sick...about...the future..." She fiddled with the blanket, "about the possibility of me not making it...and...he just got so quiet. He shut down on me, Jamie. And I worry for him because the reaction was so unlike him...and I was with him after he got news that Isobel... she paused, choosing her words, "passed, and he was so broken over it."
"Ellie..." Jamie's voice grew weary. "Ye mustn't think that this is inevitable."
"Jamie, even in my time, a baby at my age, would come with risks...more doctor's appointments, more tests, more monitoring..."
"Aye, even so, it dinnae mean..." Jamie started.
"Please, Jamie, you don't have to protect me from this," Eleanor said, "I'm not a fool. This would be a risk during this time regardless, but given my age...the probability that this will not turn out well is higher than naught."
"I never thought ye were a fool."
"I just need to know that if something were to happen to me, that John would be okay."
"I canna guarantee that, Eleanor," Jamie said, quietly, "He loves ye so verra much."
"But you could help..." Eleanor said, quietly, "for as much as he loves me..." she paused, trying to put it delicately, but failing, "the truth is, he loves you."
"Aye," Jamie stood and began pacing, "I ken yer meaning weel."
"He needs you, Jamie...your steadfastness and your friendship...he won't say, but he needs you in his life," she took a breath, "All I am asking you, is that you be intentional to make sure he is well...and don't let him shut you out."
He paused his pacing, groaned and then went to sit next her again, "I would do so anyways."
"I know, but you are busy and John is very good at hiding himself if need be..."
"I ken," Jamie reached out to squeeze her hand, "Very weel, mo ghraidh. I canna deny ye it, not when it is mine to give."
"And the baby...you will be his or her godfather, yes? So, in case the worst happens, he or she will always be connected to our four."
"Aye of course," Jamie rested his hand on her arm, leaning forward, "Mo ghraidh, I will do all of this fer ye, but ye must do something fer me..."
"What's that?"
"Dinnae despair what might be to come...and if ye find yerself in the situation, ye willna give up. Ye will fight fer this life...for our bairns and the bairn ye will bear fer John. Ye must promise me...that ye will do what ye can...if ye can. We need ye, Ellie. Ye are irreplaceable...to our bairns..." he paused, "and those who love ye."
She looked him in the eyes, "I will promise you."
"Verra gut," Jamie smiled at her, his eyes still on her.
"Do you think it hurts?" Eleanor whispered.
"Murtagh said no...when he passed..." Jamie said, quietly.
"He said it to you," her voice broke.
"Aye..." Jamie said.
"Oh, Jamie," Eleanor's face crumpled and leaned forward to rest her head on his arm. Jamie's hand reached up to rest on her head, cradling it. They sat there together, not willing to deny the small token of comfort from each other...for what had passed and what will come.
A month or so later:
Eleanor close the book she was reading when John joined her for the night. He began to undress, meticulous in his nighttime rituals. He looked over, amused, that he had a clear audience...that Eleanor was attune to his every move.
"Are you enjoying yourself, Lady John?" he asked, dryly.
She smiled, "I like watching you. You even undress properly..."
He laughed, "And if Susanna isn't here, you strew your things all over the place. And neglect to brush the mess of your hair."
She looked sheepish, "I am not as neat or organized as you, but we can't all be an eighteenth century gentleman, now can we?"
He laughed more, "Is that what it is?"
She sighed, "Alas, no. Will used to get after me as well."
John put aside his shirt and trousers and then came over to lean down to kiss her softly on the lips, "Thankfully, I am used to your ways after years of marriage. And we have Susanna to keep you organized and in line." He tweaked her nose. And then raised his head, amused, "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"I just love you," Eleanor said, "I love everything about you."
"And I love you too," John kissed her again.
"I have a question for you," she patted the spot beside her on the bed.
"And I may have an answer for you," John said, hopping up on the spot.
"Will you not move back into our bedroom now that I am so much better?" Eleanor asked, "I've been up and around for 10 days now and I've feeling really well. The babe has quickened and there is no reason for you to continue to separate from me."
"Hum," John considered it, "I have a question for you."
"Which is?" Eleanor asked.
"What purpose would I have to move back here?" John asked, "The company? Or something else?"
"Something else?" Eleanor asked, innocently.
He poked at her, "You know what I am referring to. The physician was quite clear. We are to abstain…and if you cannot control your carnal desires…"
"My carnal desires?" Eleanor laughed, delighted at his word choice. "I love you think it is I that cannot control myself."
"I wasn't the one just watching you undress," John countered, with a raised eyebrow. "I knew exactly what you are thinking, Lady John."
Eleanor twirled a strand of hair, "And how do you feel about what I was thinking?"
He stared at her, "I love you, Eleanor…" he leaned to kiss her, "And it is because I love you, that I am saying no."
"Not because we have just spent weeks of me being so completely undesirable?" Eleanor asked, biting her lip.
"No, indeed," John said, "I desire you, Eleanor. It is not as if this reprieve has shown me that my desire has run cold…I desire you now perhaps more than ever because I know what a burden you have and will be bearing for me."
She reached for his hand, "I don't agree with the diagnosis. And I am afraid of this distance, John."
"I know you are," he kissed her hand, gently, "and that is why I still undress in our room and spend time with you…for us to try to have some normalcy without having normalcy. But it isn't going to be as if the physical distance of not engaging in acts of marriage will cause me to rethink our relationship and if I have truly desired you to begin with. You are going to have to trust me."
"And you will have to trust me," Eleanor said, "That I know what I am talking about when I say that the physician is wrong. There is no reason for us not to if we both want to."
"I'll think about it," John said, quietly.
"Maybe you should get a second opinion," Eleanor suggested, mildly. "I've been married and pregnant before, I know how this works, John."
John raised an eyebrow, "I take that you and Jamie…"
"Do you even know Jamie Fraser?" Eleanor asked, lightly, "He loved it that I was carrying his child."
"I can only imagine he found you expecting his offspring to be quite alluring," John said, dryly.
"You know," she paused, "It's okay if you don't."
"That is not what I said," John said, a stern pat on her knee. "I just said the opposite. I do desire you, but these are not normal circumstances. And considering those circumstances, I doubt even Jamie would consider it."
"Care to wager on it?" Eleanor asked, titling her head.
He laughed, "No, considering you were married to the man and occupied his bed for five years, I do think you have the upper-hand on the workings of James Fraser." He leaned to kiss her, softly, "But I will seek council on the matter."
She nodded, "Soon?" she asked.
"Great God in heaven," John snorted, "I have never known you to be this insistent on our marriage bed."
She threw a pillow at him, "Whatever."
Jamie unfolded the piece of parchment, putting on his spectacles.
After a few minutes, Claire inquired,
"What is it?" she asked, from where she was crushing some herbs at the dining room table. "Is Eleanor well?"
"Aye," Jamie chuckled, still reading, "Verra weel apparently."
Claire looked over at him, curiously, "What does that mean?"
Jamie cleared his throat, and couldn't hide the mirth, "Lord John has written to seek council on his wife…"
"Oh, what about?"
"Apparently, the physician has urged for activities relating to their marrit bed to cease and since Eleanor is feeling better," Jamie chuckled, "she objects to his diagnosis. Lord John wished fer a second opinion."
"From you?" Claire asked, "What do you know of it?"
"I ken Eleanor," Jamie said, "but I think he wanted me to ask ye fer him."
"Tell him that as long as she feels fine, then I don't see the problem," Claire said, continuing her work at the table. "Does John wish to?"
"Hum," Jamie gave her a lopsided grin, "those particulars of the conversation, I think I will leave to him and I if ye dinnae mind." He chuckled and shook his head.
"I don't think I want to know what you are thinking on," Claire said, eying him. "Do you think it is odd Lord John is asking you based on your past with Eleanor?"
Jamie shrugged, "We've gotten past that point. I ken he and Eleanor are happy as he kens I was with her. And honestly, he kens I will tell him the truth."
"He trusts you," Claire commented.
"Aye," Jamie said, folding the parchment and then went over to put his arms around Claire's shoulders, watching her work.
Claire turned her head, "It was probably the hormones, you know, if Eleanor is particularly amorous during her pregnancies."
"Ye wound me, Sassenach," Jamie snorted, "Ye dinnae think it was because of me?"
She flicked a scrap from her herbs at him, "No, Jamie, I think you probably had something to do with it…"
John looked over to where Eleanor was reading. "I received a letter from Jamie today," he said, causally.
"Oh," Eleanor turned a page, "What did he say?"
"Insight about how you behave when pregnant," John said.
Eleanor turned her head, "What?"
"I think he said you are even more stubborn than before," John said, dryly, "but I would be a fool not reap the benefits of your heightened sense of desire...and even more of a fool not to use the opportunity to put you in your proper place." He studied her as her face flushed, "He also mentioned that he found you even more desirable than before and I shouldn't fear my reaction."
"Do you fear it?" Eleanor said, softly.
"A bit," John admitted.
"I knew you did," Ellie responded, frowning, "Why did you brush me off about it?"
"I don't know," John said, "I didn't lie to you when I said that I do desire you because I always do…but the physical is so wrapped up in every other aspect of you, Eleanor."
"The emotional too?"
"Yes, precisely. But it's a change and one I have never experienced. But then again, I never experienced such joy in the bed of any woman…so I suppose I shouldn't fear it."
"No," Eleanor said, "you shouldn't." She reached for his hand and put it over her belly. "The baby is kicking. See if you can feel it this time."
His hand stayed on her belly and then his face lit up in wonder, "I do feel it."
"See?" Eleanor looked in his eyes, "Not all changes are bad, Lord John."
His eyes met hers. "I can see that, Lady John."
"Come and love me, John," she said, softly. "For I love you so very much."
He leaned forward to kiss her, deeply, his hand still cradling her belly. He pulled away from her, "I never thought I would know the joy of having a child of my own nor did I know that I even wanted it. But I do Eleanor, I want this…and you…very much."
"I'm so glad." Eleanor's heart melted as her eyes never left John's. His hand left her belly to reach for the tie of her shift, deftly untying it before pushing it down over her shoulders.
"Are you sure?" he asked, softly.
"Hush and kiss me again, already," Eleanor retorted and John happily obliged.
A few more weeks later
"I don't understand," Eleanor said, frowning.
"Lord Dunsany's health is declining," John said, his hand on hers. "They wish for William to return to England as soon as possible and I to accompany him. Obviously, I cannot do so…but William must go."
Eleanor put her hand on her forehead, "We can't just send him on a ship by himself!"
"I think Tom should go with him," John said, calmly. "He is not a boy any longer. He needs to start taking the responsibility and duties of the man he will become. Now is the time for him to learn."
Eleanor looked stricken, "But it is our job to teach him those things…and that's more than just being an earl," she said. "he needs to learn how to be a good man…and…"
"You have already taught him so much in that regard," John said, quietly, "And now it is time for him to learn the other things."
"But we are his family…you and I."
"We have no claim to him," John said, softly. "He is our son, but he is not."
"No, he is Jamie's," Eleanor said, heatedly. "And…"
"Jamie made that choice to walk away from him," John said, his voice low, "I know this is hard for you to say goodbye to him when you are in your condition, but you must accept that he needs to leave for England and soon."
She bit her thumb, "I hate this."
"My darling, I know," John put his arm around her and drew her to his side. He kissed her head and held her close. "Let me hold you until you wrap your mind around this."
"Will you have to leave too?"
"No," John shook his head, "at least not right away, but after the baby is born, I should return to England to stay with William for a few months to get him situated especially if Lord Dunsany passes. You can come with me."
"Will all five children in tow?" Eleanor asked, sighing.
"I know it is not ideal," John said, "but I am not sure what choice we will have. Either that or be separated for that time."
"Sea travel is dangerous for little ones," Eleanor said, "with the disease and…unless we can't help it, I'm not sure what I think."
"We do not have to decide that today," John soothed. "You shouldn't worry over it."
"But I do," Eleanor said, sighing, "because as much as I fear that, I fear being parted from you."
"I know my darling," John said, his voice gentle, "I fear it too." He tipped her head up towards him, a finger under her chin, "But you must realize that there are obligations that we are required to attend to. It's part of how we show William the responsibilities of being a man…by honoring and fulfilling our own responsibilities even when those are hard and undesirable…and not only showing William this…but Mac and Sam."
She nodded, looking down as the baby jolted her stomach.
John looked at her in wonder, "Was that a foot?"
"I think so," Eleanor said, her stomach jolting again, "The baby is turning now."
"It's remarkable, is it not?" John asked, his hand covering her stomach, "Hello, my little one."
"We should think of names," Eleanor said, softly. "I didn't want to jinx it, but we are getting closer."
"Yes, I think that would be a good idea," John said. "We can make our own lists and compare. But let's think it over."
"Very well," Eleanor said, covering his hand, "But I want you to give me your family tree so I can examine it for inspiration."
John laughed, "I can do that. I'm actually honored that you would think of such a thing."
"Of course, I do," Eleanor said, "because this baby…well, he or she has the best father in the world, and I want that to be honored in his or her name."
John looked at her, intently, as he kissed the side of her hand and then her palm, "I do not think I could love you any more than I love you in this moment."
"Wait until you hold our child," Eleanor said, "It just expands the love we share."
"I cannot wait," John said, tipping her chin up, and kissing her softly.
"I'm so glad you are here," Eleanor said, greeting Claire, Jamie, Roger and Brianna. "How was your journey?"
"Verra pleasant," Jamie said, bowing to her, "Where is Lord John?" he asked, as he picked up Rosie who had run out to him.
"John had to meet the landowners...there is some sort of emergency...since we have a few weeks left and I knew you would be arriving soon, I said he should go," Eleanor put her hand on Hope's head, who was begging for her to be picked up. "I can't pick you up, sweetheart."
She began to cry louder until Ian came out, "Uncle Jamie!" he smiled as he greeted his Uncle.
"Tis verra fine to see ye, Ian," Jamie said, his smile wide.
"Aye, ye as weel," Ian looked over to where Hope was throwing a tantrum at Eleanor's feet. He bent down, "Come to me, Hope." he swept Hope up. "Let's go look at the horses."
"Me too?" Rosie wiggled and Jamie put her down.
"Of course," Ian offered his hand.
"Thank you," Eleanor mouthed and Ian gave her a smile before leading his cousins away.
"He is the best cousin," Eleanor said, a cool palm on her face, "God, it's so hot out here."
"Ye are verra flushed, lass," Jamie frowned and Claire stepped over to her.
"Eleanor," she raised a hand to her forehead, "Are you feeling well?"
"I'm well," she said, forcing a smile, "Let's go inside. Supper will be ready soon and you may want to rest beforehand."
"Perhaps, you should rest," Bree said, a frown on her face.
"Mac and Sam are doing their lessons and I need to check on them..."
"I can check on them," Roger said, shifting Jemmy in his arms.
"If you don't mind," Eleanor said, "but you just arrived. I would be a terrible hostess to let you."
"Nah, I dinnae mind. We are here to help," Roger said. "Where are the lads?
"Then in that case, the boys are in their room," Eleanor said, quietly. "Thank you so much, Roger."
"Aye, not a worry," Roger said, easily, taking the steps into the house.
Eleanor shaded her head with her hand and turned to Brianna, "Bree, how are you feeling?" she asked, surveying the younger woman, whose stomach was only jutting out ever so slightly.
"My morning sickness comes and goes...not too bad."
"Well, that is a blessing," Eleanor shifted, her hand on her large belly.
Brianna came up to give her a hug, "How is the young Lord?" she asked, teasingly, a hand on her stomach.
"Feisty," She giggled, "the baby is so active, all the time. I hardly get any rest."
"Then it must be a lass fer ye and Lord John," Jamie said, wryly, "if the bairn is that feisty...like her mama."
"Or her sister Hope?" Brianna said, laughing.
"Maybe," Eleanor smiled, "I suppose we will see soon." She sighed, guiding them into the house.
"Are you certain you feel okay?" Brianna asked Eleanor, her arm around her friend.
"I do," Eleanor shifted, "but I do I think I do want to lie down."
Jamie exchanged a look with Claire, "Eleanor, let me help ye upstairs."
"I can manage, Jamie," Eleanor said.
"No, I insist," Jamie said, his voice firm, taking Brianna's place beside Eleanor.
"Okay," she said, knowing Jamie's tone and realizing he wouldn't take no for an answer. She must look really bad. "Will one of you get Susanna for me?"
"Of course," Bree said. "Have a good rest. Do not worry about anything."
"I'm just so glad you are all here," Eleanor said, "Truly."
"We are glad to be here, Eleanor," Claire said, "Now go rest. I'll check on you in a while."
"Thank you," Eleanor sighed, her hand still gripping her belly. "Jamie."
"Aye," Jamie put her hand on her arm and gently guided her towards the steps.
But as Eleanor reached the steps, she froze...
"Ellie, what is it, lass?" Jamie's voice held his concern.
"Oh my God!" she cried, her hand moving to her belly, the pain causing her knees to buckle underneath her, Jamie catching her and guiding her to the floor.
"What is it?" Jamie crouched down beside her, "Is yer labor pains?"
Eleanor began to cry out, screaming in pain. "No, I don't know what it is. Something is terribly wrong!"
"Mo ghraidh," Jamie murmured as his arms came around her as she shook, the pain consuming her, "Claire, she's bleeding!" he said, loudly, his voice panicked. "Look, there is alot of it."
Claire immediately came to her, shifting up her dress, "Oh God..."
"What is it?" Jamie asked, as Bree knelt with them. "What is wrong with her?" his voice was urgent.
"Bree, go get my bag!" Claire commanded, "Eleanor, you need to try to stay with us..."
"Claire, save the baby," Ellie whispered, "Jamie...I can't breathe. Help me!"
"Aye, I ken it hurts, mo ghraidh," Jamie soothed, holding her tightly, "I have ye. Do ye hear me? I'm right here. Ye will be fine. I'm right here, mo ghraidh. I have ye." He began to speak to her in a rush of Gaelic, trying to comfort her, but the weight of terror was sinking on both of them. "Eleanor, mo ghraidh, please…" Jamie begged her as he felt her fade.
"The world is spinning, Jamie," Ellie said, "I don't think I can...John...I need John," her voice trailed off before passing out.
"No!" Jamie's eyes widened in horror as he felt for a pulse, relieved it was still there, "What is happening to her?"
"Her placenta ruptured...just like what happened with Faith."
"Christ," James swore, "she is bleeding too much. Claire, she is goin to die! We must do something!"
"I know," Claire said, her hand on her brow.
"Ye must do something!" Jamie said, his hand, cradling Eleanor's head, the other on her back, making sure he still felt the rise and fall of her chest, "Ye have to help her. Is there nothin ye can do?"
"I wish John was here...she is going to need a cesarean, or she could lose the baby...and die herself."
"Ye mean ye want to cut the baby out of her?" Jamie asked, wide eyed. "Will that save her?"
"I don't know. The risk is so high for Eleanor during this time, I need to have Lord John's consent."
"Do it," Jamie said, his face full of panic, "Do what ye need to do, Claire. Just hurry!"
"Jamie, you aren't her husband," Claire said, quietly. "You can't make this decision."
"Fer Christ sake, Claire, John isna here. I am. She is a part of my family- the mother of my bairns. And I'm tellin ye that ye have to do it. If ye can save her and the bairn, ye must do so. Ye have my consent...and that is gut enough."
"She could get an infection after surgery and die...I almost did in France. I have the penicillin but I do not have a syringe. It will be less effective."
"But ye dinnae die, Claire. Ye lived. And so can Eleanor. Ye must try," Jamie said, adamantly, "It is what she wants. Fer Christ's sake, do something! We are wastin time. I willna have her die in my arms when there was something that could have been done. It's Eleanor fer Christ's sake!"
"Very well," She swallowed hard. The only time that she saw Jamie this wild was fear and unreasonably demanding was when Murtagh died. "Take her to the dining room table. And then go to the kitchen and get the pot of boiling water and alot of cloth...and be prepared, I will need your help too."
"Aye," Jamie nodded. "Whatever ye need."
"And if this goes badly," Claire looked him straight in the eyes, "It will be your responsibility to tell Lord John."
"Ye must understand," Jamie looked stricken, "I canna...I willna let her die when I knew there was something that could have been done. She would trust me with this decision fer her. I ken that to be the truth of the matter, Claire."
"I understand," Claire nodded and Jamie tenderly gathered Eleanor up in his arms, taking her to the table, all the while murmuring a prayer in Gaelic, frozen in fear for the mother of his children…and the woman his heart still undeniably pulled him towards.
A/N: sorry to end on such a note...thoughts? :)