A/N: So sorry to end on a cliffhanger...thank you for all your kind reviews and thoughts. I tried to have a quicker turn around to make up for the cliffie at the end...but the action spins out of control with a surprise at the end of this chapter too...I'm trying to push the story forward...would love to know your thoughts. :)
Chapter 45:
Mt Josiah:
John rushed into the house, Ian at his heels.
"Jamie!" he yelled. "Jamie, where are you?"
It was rare that John yelled and his voice boomed and echoed throughout the grand foyer.
He stopped, surveying the blood that was pooled by the stairs. "Great God in heaven," he murmured, horrified. "Eleanor."
Jamie came out of the dining room, closing the door behind him.
John stood in the middle of the foyer, drenched with the rain that was falling at a steady pace, the skies opening up soon after Eleanor collapsed. When Ian had come in the house to Brianna's news, he went straight for Lord John, John having given Ian directions in case of a need. John was already on his way home, but was horrified when learning Eleanor's fate hung in the balance. He had spent the past 8 months by her side and the moment he left, this happened.
The drip of his wet clothes, fell at a steady cadence as the men surveyed each other.
"Ian," Jamie's gaze never left John's face, "go help yer Auntie Claire in the dining room, please."
"Aye, Uncle," Ian left immediately.
John's face paled even further, "Please, Jamie, tell me she isn't...she cannot be..."
"No," Jamie said, quickly, "Claire is finishing. Her pulse is steady. Tis a verra gut sign accordin to Claire."
John leaned over as if someone punched him in his gut, "Oh great God in heaven. She will live then..."
"There is still a risk of infection," Jamie said, quietly, "Claire canna guarantee that she will."
John struggled to gather his breath, "But she is alive now?"
Jamie reached out to grip his shoulder, leaning over, "She is alive now, John."
"Her blood..." John gasped. "Tis all over the floor."
"She has lost alot of it," Jamie said, "Somebody should clean it up, but everythin was happenin so fast and we needed help with the wee uns."
He nodded, "I'll instruct them to before the little ones see. And prepare Eleanor's room for her return."
"Ye should change," Jamie said.
"Yes," John straightened and nodded, "I shall go change."
John side-swept the blood on the floor and headed up the stairs.
"Lord John?" Jamie called.
John turned on the stairs, still in a trance, "What is it?"
"Do ye no want to ken aboot yer child?" Jamie asked.
John sat down on the steps, "My child?"
Jamie went up the steps to sit next to him, "Aye, yer child."
"I assumed..." John coughed, "I don't know what I assumed. Do I have a child?"
"Aye," Jamie said, "But I am afraid I have some distressing news."
"The child will not live then," John buried his head in his hands, "Good God, Eleanor will be devastated."
"No, weel," Jamie took a breath, "There were twins, ye ken."
John lifted his head, "Twins?"
"Aye. Yer daughter...she wasna breathin. But yer son...John, he is so braw. Claire thinks he should be just fine."
John let out a long breath, "Oh God. I don't know how to feel. Relief, joy, sorrow, fear, pain..." John buried his head in his knees and his body wracked with silent sobs.
Jamie put his hand on his arm and kept it there, while John struggled with his emotions. After a few minutes, Jamie said, his voice gentle, "Go change, John. Claire is finishin up with Eleanor and then ye can see her...and yer son."
"When Eleanor is awake, we shall see our son together."
"And yer daughter?" Jamie's hand weighed heavily on John's arm.
"We shall see her together as well," John said, softly, "although part of me wishes not to tell Eleanor- what she doesn't know, cannot hurt her and this will sting terribly, even if our son is there."
"Eleanor can be verra brave, John," Jamie said, quietly, "And she is strong. She would want to ken...and mourn with ye...as well as take great joy and delight in yer babe that lived. Dinnae deny her what she is more than able to handle."
"I'm not sure I can handle it," John whispered to Jamie.
"Aye, ye can," Jamie said, his eyes on John, "ye can with Eleanor by yer side. I promise ye. Ye can."
"And if Eleanor develops a fever and she is in danger again?" John asked, "What then?"
"Then," Jamie patted his arm, "Ye will handle it with friends by yer side. I will be with ye, John. And we will do it together."
John's lip quivered, under the weight of his emotion, trying to gather himself. His lip stiffened, and his voice wavered only slightly, "That means so much to me, Jamie. Thank you."
"Aye," Jamie nodded. "Go on. I must get back to Claire."
"Very well," John said, "Watch over Eleanor for me until I can see her."
"Aye, of course," Jamie said.
Eleanor moaned, struggling to open her eyes. "John..." she croaked.
John rose from his spot next to her bed and removed the blanket that was over him as he rested. Eleanor had been asleep for a few hours, time passing into night. "Eleanor, my darling." He leaned to give her a kiss on the head. "Don't struggle. Just let yourself awaken."
"Everything feels so heavy," she whispered, "and like I was run over my a truck. And my dreams...I was back with Charlotte and Harry...and they were so much older...and angry at me."
"No, you are here with me," John leaned over to rest his forehead against hers, the warmth of his breath against her, easing her struggle and fear. "You have been through a trial, my love. I'm so very sorry for it."
She opened her eyes, "What time is it?"
"Tis the middle of the night, but I am under strict orders to awaken Claire and Jamie if you wake," John said, "Jamie has been so worried for you. Claire and I had to bully him into getting so rest. He is actually on the floor in the sitting room. I couldn't convince him to go further than that away from you."
"He is afraid of the same thing happening to me that happened to his mother," Eleanor whispered. "He goes into highland warrior, laird of the clan protective mode."
"I know," John kissed her forehead again, "You are so dear to him as you are to us all. I have been so very worried, my darling. Do you feel like I can help you to sit up?"
"Gently," she murmured.
"Of course," John said, kissing her one more time. He gently eased her up, carefully propping pillows behind her, attuned to how sharply she winced. "There you are. I will tell Jamie to go wake Claire."
She nodded, but as he pulled away from her, she gripped his hand, "Did we lose our child?"
"There is so much to tell you, but our son in safe."
Eleanor's sob caught her her throat, "Thank you, God." she whispered. "Have you seen him?"
"I wanted to, but I found myself wanting the joy of seeing him for the first time with you...so no, not yet. But Jamie and Claire both assure me that he is wonderfully healthy." He leaned to kiss her again, "I will return in a moment."
John came back a few minutes later. "Claire has the baby and she will bring him to us and then check to ensure you are healing. Jamie is getting her." He sat back down next to her on the bed, "Eleanor, my love, how are you faring?"
"I will not lie, it does hurt," She forced a smile, "but I'll be fine. Don't worry so."
"I cannot help but..." John said, "We were fortunate."
She nodded, "We were."
Claire knocked on the door, a bundle in her arms. "How are you feeling, Eleanor?"
"Not so great," she said, truthfully.
"May I check your incision first before you take the baby? That way you will not have to be bothered," Claire asked. "And you can try to nurse him now you are awake."
Eleanor nodded and Claire looked to John, "Would you like to hold your son while I do?"
John looked between Claire and Eleanor and then shook his head, "I'll hold him after his mother does."
Eleanor reached for his hand, squeezing it. Claire shifted the baby into Jamie's arms, who gently rocked him as he began to wail. Jamie walked around the room, bouncing him, turning his back to where Claire was examining Ellie. He spoke gently to the baby in Gaelic, the motion and cadence of Jamie's voice settling him.
"He is very good at that," John said, watching Jamie.
Eleanor squeezed John's hand again, "You will be too. You were with Hope."
"I had no idea what I was doing and I could hand her back to you. I don't suppose it would be right as the baby's father to hand him back when he fusses," John said, frowning at the thought.
"No father has any idea," Jamie said, "Dinnae fash, John. Eleanor is right. Ye are a verra gut step father and ye will be an excellent father. And all they want at this age is a wee bit of coddlin and their mama's milk. Ye canna give them one, but ye can the other."
"And perhaps nappy changes," Claire said, as she undid the bandage to Eleanor's midsection.
John frowned as he saw Eleanor's stitches and Ellie winced. "Oh Eleanor." He went to put his arms around her shoulders at her head, still allowing Claire room to examine the incision site.
"It's okay," Eleanor reached up to rub his arm, trying to comfort him. "It will only be a scar. You have quite a few and so does Jamie. I'm just joining the club."
"Aye," Jamie murmured, his back still turned to her and gently bouncing the baby, "And after what I saw, it was akin to a battle..one to save Eleanor's life..and I canna think of a worthier purpose of earnin one if I do say so myself."
"Thanks to Claire," Eleanor said, meeting her eyes, "Thank you."
Claire straightened and nodded, "The next few days will be critical, Ellie. Infection could set in."
"I know," Eleanor said, "We'll hope and pray for the best." Her eyes traveled to Jamie, who smiled at her. "Is there anything else I should know?"
Claire looked at John, who cleared his throat, "We can talk about it after we see our son. Come, I am most eager. I have exhibited an enormous amount of patience, Lady John."
She giggled, "And you being the most patient man in this world, that says alot..."
"Jamie," John nodded and sat on the bed with Eleanor, Eleanor smiling at John, tears in her eyes.
Jamie came and gently placed the baby in Eleanor's arms, "He is such a verra gut baby, Eleanor. Congratulations to ye."
"Oh, my," Eleanor's heart overflowed, "John, he looks like you."
John laughed as he studied the baby, reaching over to take the baby's hand, "I do not know how you could possibly ascertain that, my darling."
"He must look like you...for I was plump and bald as a baby...and he is beautiful...and I think he has that firm set to his jaw like you do."
John rubbed the thick, dark hair on the babe's head, "He is the most beautiful gift to us, Eleanor."
Eleanor looked to Claire, "He is healthy, yes?"
"Yes," Claire nodded, "But you should feed him soon."
"Absolutely," Eleanor shifted the baby, "As soon as his Papa holds him," Eleanor's voice cracked, her heart overflowing with all the emotion of the past few hours...but really the past few years of being so well loved and cherished by this most amazing man and to be able to give him something back in return.
"Lord John Grey," the tears overflowed, "may I present your son to you?" she gently put the baby in John's arms.
John awkwardly held him, laughing with wonder and nerves at the same time, "He is so small. I am afraid I might break him."
"You held Hope," Eleanor gave him a wide smile. "How is it different?"
"Yes, but I wasn't responsible for Hope...all things considered...at the time. And he is so tiny."
"He is a good size considering," Claire said.
"Yes," Eleanor reached to help shift the baby, so John felt more comfortable, "Just make sure you support his head and neck and you should be fine. You can hold him like this...or upon your shoulder. As long as his neck is supported and he is comfortable it is fine."
John looked into Eleanor's eyes, "I cannot believe you did this for me," he whispered.
"I would do anything for you," she whispered back.
"I know," he murmured, for in the moment there was no one in the room, but them. They were so in tune with each other and the beauty of their relationship was on display for all to see.
Jamie looked at Claire with a small, wonderous smile at the sight of his ex wife and his friend who have come such a far way. Claire smiled at him. "Does the young Lord have a name yet?" Claire asked.
"Well, it wasn't easy," Eleanor said, rubbing the baby's hair, "I don't know why British aristocracy has to have so many names. It is alot to decide."
"Not just them," Claire poked at Jamie, "This one here has quite a few himself."
"Aye," Jamie cleared his throat, "So what did ye decide?"
"May we present...," John looked down at his son, "Hugh Gerard Alexander..." John paused, slightly over that name, "Armstrong Grey"
"Ah," Jamie smiled, tears springing to his eyes not missing John's subtle emphasis, "a fine name fer a fine lad," he said, leaning over where John was holding the infant, "Gerard, after yer father, aye?"
John nodded, "Eleanor's idea."
"And Armstrong after John," Eleanor said, smoothing the baby's hair, "I wanted to include John but then I thought Samuel might get jealous."
"Aye, maybe so considerin our son," Jamie chuckled.
"And then of course," John looked in Jamie's eyes, "Alexander after a dear friend of ours."
"And little Hugh's godfather," Eleanor smiled at Jamie, "If you are still up to the task at your advanced age."
"Aye," Jamie said, dryly, "I think if I can handle our wee uns, I suspect I can handle a child with John's even keeled temper..."
"Assuming he has John's even temperament," Eleanor gave John as saucy look, which he returned with a look of complete adoration.
"Aye, but even with Eleanor's temperament, it will do him weel fer stubbornness often leads to determination," Jamie said and then leaned down to grip Eleanor's hand, "Ye did weel lass. Ye scarrit me half to death though."
"I must have been really bad off for you to get so affected," Eleanor said, softly, "I'm sorry you had to deal with that considering your mom...I know it's hard for you."
"Nah, tis not a worry," Jamie said, easily, "I have just gotten used to ye bein here as much of a wee besom as ye might be at times."
Eleanor laughed and then winced, "Oh, God."
Claire looked sympathetic, "I'm afraid that is going to be common for a while. You must be careful."
"Papa!" an insistent voice came from the door, "Hope sad. She had a bad dream."
Jamie gave a wry grin, let go of Eleanor's hand, and went to bend down next to his daughter, "I'm so sorry to hear that, Hope."
"I want Papa." Hope pouted, tears in her eyes.
"Papa and Mama are busy with your baby brother," Jamie explained, his voice firm yet kind. He picked her up, "I am afraid ye must settle fer Da at the moment if ye want soothin."
Hope grunted, but still rested her head against Jamie's shoulder.
"Hope have baby?" Hope stuck her thumb in her mouth, but still clung to Jamie.
"Aye, a verra braw baby boy."
"Come bring her over here, Jamie, so she can meet Hugh," Eleanor said.
"Don't let her climb on you," Claire cautioned.
She nodded and John handed the baby to Eleanor, who adjusted it on her knees, "Hope, love, come look."
Jamie leaned down with Hope in his arms and Hope's hands reached to poke the baby's arm, "I wanted a sissy," she pouted.
Eleanor laughed at her daughter's antics but she could feel the room become tense as John stiffened.
Jamie kissed Hope's head, "Ye need to be grateful for the brother God gave ye," he chastised.
"Jamie," Eleanor titled her head, questioning, "Every little girl wants a sister not a brother. Sam wanted a brother with Rose. It's to be expected."
"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, but fell quiet.
"What am I missing?" Eleanor frowned as she looked to John, but he couldn't quite meet her eyes. "What are you not telling me? Lord John..." Eleanor looked to him, but again he refused to meet her gaze, instead focused on the baby. She turned to Jamie, "James?"
"Tis not my place, lass," Jamie said, gently, "Lord John will explain to ye."
"Will you?" Eleanor turned to her husband.
John's voice was very quiet, "Yes, I will."
Claire cleared her throat, "Jamie, why don't you take Hope back to bed? I can help Eleanor get Hugh situated before leaving her and Lord John to talk."
"Aye," Jamie said, "Come, leannan."
"Let me have a kiss first," Eleanor said, as she reached up to embrace Hope, Jamie leaning down to allow Hope to kiss her. But before he turned to leave, Jamie reached out to squeeze Eleanor's hand tightly, "Take care of ye, mo ghraidh," he said, softly. "Dinnae fash aboot the wee uns. And I will be here if ye need me."
She nodded, before Jamie turned, leaving her with John and Claire.
"Here," Claire said, softly, "Let's see if he will nurse."
"I might need some water."
She nodded and John rose to get pour her a glass as Claire helped hold the baby to see if they could get him to latch, which he did readily. Claire straightened, "There you are. I will leave you two alone for a few minutes. I'll be right next door if you need me."
"Thank you, Claire," John said as he climbed back on the bed with Eleanor.
Eleanor winced as Hugh nursed.
"What is the matter?" John asked.
"It's hurting my incision to nurse," Eleanor said, "It's to be expected. I just have to adjust and push through." She bit her lip, "I'm more worried about what is going on. Please tell me what is wrong," Eleanor asked, as her gaze turned back to Hugh, watching him nurse.
John watched their son for a few moments, stroking his head as he nursed, "Tis a wonder, is it not?"
"Yes," Eleanor said, "It is," She paused, "Whatever it is...you can tell me."
He nodded, "The truth is, I need to be honest with you about something...difficult."
Eleanor looked up and then met his eyes, steadily, "What is it?"
"There were twins. Our daughter... she didn't survive," John said, his voice cracking.
"Twins?" Eleanor gasped, softly.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart," John responded. "I know this is a blow. I hardly know what to make of it myself." John looked away from her, overcome with emotion.
Eleanor shifted towards John and then leaned to put her hand on his face, "Lord John, look at me."
John forced himself to meet her gaze. Eleanor's lip trembled but she smiled through it, "Tt's okay for us to grieve for the child we lost, while rejoicing over the child we do have." Tears filled her eyes, "We have been blessed by Hugh and all the other children that fill this house and our days. But it does hurt...and when it does, you and I...we bear that hurt together. There is no other man that I would want by my side than you. But I want to be by your side too...and that means, you do not have to be strong for me...we can be strong for each other."
"I know," John's voice was incredibly low. "And I'm glad for it."
"I honestly am so thankful I survived to hold our son...and while it does hurt terribly to know that there is another child that is ours that we will not get to know and love..." she paused, "I want to see her..."
He nodded, "we thought you would."
"Where is she?"
"Ian is keeping watch over her," John said, "and building the casket."
Eleanor's heart twisted, "That dear boy, I love him so."
"He loves his Auntie...he is so fiercely loyal to you, Eleanor." John leaned to turn her face towards him, kissing her gently upon the lips. "I was thinking, I know Jamie is Hugh's godfather, but maybe we should ask Ian as well. Hugh can have two godfathers who love and teach him things...even things perhaps I cannot."
"Two Scottish godfathers?" Eleanor looked at him, a small smile on her lips, "What will your family say, my Lord?"
"They will be so pleased to know that I finally did my duty to procreate that I doubt they will care," John said, "I know it is unconventional, but..."
"We are very unconventional ourselves," Eleanor smiled through her tears, "I think that is a grand idea." She lifted up Hugh to burp him. And when she was done, she placed him up on her shoulder to pat rub his back to cuddle him to sleep.
"Eleanor," John said, softly, watching the glow of contentment that radiated off of Eleanor as she held her son.
"Yes, my love," she murmured.
"Should I go get her?"
"If Ian is asleep..."
"I doubt he is," John said, "He wanted to be wakened as well with news of your safety."
She nodded, "Ask Ian to come in though. If he is awake...we can ask him and maybe he can hold Hugh for us while we tend to our daughter."
John nodded and then leaned to kiss her, "I will be right back."
Eleanor rubbed Hugh's back, "John..."
John turned back towards her, "Yes, my dear?"
"I love you very much."
John gave her a small smile, allowing her words reach to his heart, "I love you too, Ellie."
"Auntie," Ian came inside the room, carefully holding a bundle in his hands. He gently laid it down upon the bed at the foot.
Eleanor looked stricken at first and then resolute, "I wish to thank you. For staying. For caring for your cousins. For going to get John. For watching over my daughter...for keeping her safe until John and I..." she paused, trying to gather her composure, "can say goodbye."
"Aye, Auntie," Ian nodded, "Yer welcome."
She forced a smile, "I need a hug, Ian."
Ian looked at her, tenderly, "Very weel, Auntie." He went over to lean down to embrace her, careful of the baby who was still tucked in her arms. "Ah," he looked down, his arms still around her shoulders, "Uncle Jamie said he was braw."
"John and I asked Jamie to be his godfather, but we would like you as well...I know you are not related, but you are my family, Ian. Would you please consider it?"
Ian pulled away, "Are ye certain? I am not...ye ken...English...or a gentleman," He glanced at Lord John, "And the bairn...weel, his Uncle is a Duke. Are ye sure ye dinnae want someone else?"
"You will be the perfect godfather for Hugh," John said, "I would like that very much...regardless of who my brother might be," he smiled at Ian. "Will you please?"
"Then," Ian squared his shoulders, "I will be honored."
"Great," Eleanor smiled at him, "Will you do me a favor as your first act of godfather?"
"Aye," Ian nodded. "What do ye need, Auntie?"
"Will you take Hugh and give John and I a few moments to ourselves...to be with our little girl?" The tears flooded Eleanor's eyes.
"Of course, Auntie," Ian said, "Uncle Jamie is still in the sitting room. Shall I take him in there?"
She nodded, unable to speak. John's voice cracked, "Thank you, Ian."
Eleanor transferred the baby into Ian's arms, "There you go, my little love. Be a good boy for your godfather. No fussing," she leaned down to kiss the top of his head, tenderly.
Ian left without another word. Eleanor sat up and crossed her legs, covering herself with the blanket. "It hurts to move. Will you hand her to me?"
John nodded, but did not offer a word. He went over to the bottom of the bed and picked up his daughter, handing her to Eleanor.
Eleanor shifted the blanket, breathing deeply, soaking it in. "Look at her hair." Her hair was adorned with a sweet pink ribbon.
"Susanna told me that Jamie gave her instructions on how to dress the little one...right down to making sure that she had a ribbon in her hair," John whispered. "He said that when you saw her, she must be how who will always imagine her to be..."
Eleanor closed her eyes, "That was very sweet of him."
"Yes, it was," John swallowed hard, standing beside the bed. "He knows your heart so well..."
"I'm grateful to him. Oh," Eleanor took another deep breath, "She is beautiful, John," Eleanor said, but then noticed John wasn't looking. "Do you not wish to see?"
"I am afraid I cannot," John said, his voice incredibly low, "At least without..." he paused, "I'm afraid I cannot be the man you are used to in this moment."
Eleanor's lip trembled, "I told you, if you need to cry, John, I am here. And I will not think you to be not strong for me. You do not have to guard your reaction...I am your wife...the one who made this little one with you...part you and part me. Seeing her face hurts so much...and I imagine that you feel the same way that I do. But if you truly do not wish to, then that's okay too. Whatever you need."
"I should be asking you what you need."
She patted the bed, "That's not how a marriage works," she said, softly. "for better, for worse...in joy and in sorrow, John."
"Then, I think..." he paused and then sat next to her, "I do think I wish to hold her."
Eleanor put the bundle in John's arms and leaned up, even though it hurt her incision to put her arms around John and the baby. John began to weep against her, shuddering, unable to stop.
"I have you," she whispered, "both of you."
"She needs a name...for her headstone," John said.
"Felicity," Eleanor said, "for you have given me such joy as your wife."
"It's highly ironic for you to name her that..."
"Perhaps, so...but even in death, the thought of her, shall give me joy, John...even if I have to fight through the sorrow to find it."
"You never cease to astonish me...with your wisdom and your bravery...and your sweet soul that finds mine when I require it the most," John wrapped his arm around her, "I will love you until I have no more breath in my being, Eleanor Grey."
"As will I, John."
They remained there, together, one in their sorrow and love.
The children adored baby Hugh, each talking turns holding him under the watchful eye of their Da and Papa. They chattered non stop for the twenty minutes that Claire had permitted them to see Eleanor, all four of them upon the bed with her and John, Jamie standing nearby.
Eleanor soaked in the joy of having all her children together with her. She smiled at Jamie at their each of their four wee un's endless commentary.
Claire came in a few minutes later, "Susanna said that Cook has made cookies. Who would like some?"
"Me!" Sam hopped off the bed, "I want some!"
"Me too!" Rosie's shy voice came as she went to hug Eleanor, "I love you, Mama. Thank you for giving me baby Hugh. I will help you with him, I promise."
"I know you will, sweet girl," Eleanor said as Jamie reached to pick her up, giving her a tight hug and kiss before putting her down and swatting her away.
"Hope loves cookies," Hope said as John helped her down from the bed, "Bye, Mama!"
Eleanor giggled, "Bye sweetheart."
John turned to Mac, who was holding Hugh, "Do you want some?"
Mac frowned, "Maybe I should stay with Mama."
"Mama needs rest," Claire said, firmly, "Doctor's orders, but perhaps a visit from just you...later on?"
Mac nodded and Jamie reached to ruffle his son's head after Mac gave John the baby. Claire shooed the kids off with Susanna and then turned to Eleanor.
"Ellie, you look flushed," she frowned.
Jamie glanced at her, "Perhaps just the excitement of the wee uns?"
"I'm feeling a little light headed," Eleanor admitted, leaning back.
"Are you?" John's brow creased, "Why didn't you say?"
"They were being so sweet and...I love being with them."
Jamie leaned to touch Eleanor's forehead being the closest to her, "Good God, woman, ye are burnin!"
Claire immediately sprung into action, pushing Jamie aside and reaching to look at her incision, "There is redness and discharge," she said, quietly.
"Already?" Eleanor grunted. "I just wanted a few days..."
"We can try the broth, aye, Claire?" Jamie said, but his eyes were concerned.
Claire nodded, "And the best thing for you to do is rest as your body tries to fight off the infection."
Eleanor shifted down on the bed, "Yes, ma'am. I don't think that will be too hard. I'm exhausted."
"Rest weel, then," Jamie said, tucking the covers back up over her. His hand rested on her shoulder for a minute before he turned to leave with Claire.
"I'll be back in a moment," John said, shifting Hugh.
"Take your time," Eleanor murmured.
John stepped into the sitting room as Jamie and Claire were talking in low tones, "What is it?"
"Time will tell," Claire said, quietly, "But I do not like how her wound looks."
John nodded, "This was always a risk."
"Aye," Jamie said, shifting, "But fer it to be so soon?"
"Eleanor is strong," Claire said, "but the past 9 months have been a trial for her and then she lost a lot of blood. I just don't know how strong she actually is..."
"She seemed so well," John closed his eyes, wearily, "Surely..."
Jamie straightened and then said, calmly, "Letting her rest and trying the broth seems to be our best option now, aye, Claire?"
"Yes, I think so," she said, softly, "I just wish I had my syringe."
"We canna help what has passed," Jamie said, his hand went to John's shoulder, "We must pray, John. And she shouldna be left alone."
John nodded, "I will stay with her if you want to focus on the children."
"Aye," Jamie said, "includin Hugh. May I have my godson? I will take verra gut care of him."
"Of course, I know you will," John said, giving Hugh to Jamie, "Perhaps we need to find a wet nurse...as a precaution."
"Eleanor will be opposed to that," Claire said, softly, "But it is probably a good idea. The fever will dry up her supply...and Hugh is a good size for a twin and a preemie, but he does not need to lose weight...these next few days are crucial for him as well...to make sure he is getting the nourishment he needs."
John nodded, "I will make arrangements then..." He took a breath, "I was prepared for this...or so I thought..."
Jamie shifted the bairn to squeeze John's arms, "She will fight, John. I told Mac months ago, I willna ever bet against Eleanor's stubbornness. It will serve her well in this moment."
"I do hope you are right," John said, quietly.
Day shifted into night and into day again. The fever was persistent, the broth offering little relief. Brianna, Roger, and Ian kept the four children busy, not mentioning how ill Eleanor was while Claire, Jamie, and John took turns watching over Eleanor.
Jamie came into check on John early the next morning. "How is she?"
"She doesn't say much," John murmured from his spot by her bed. "Her dreams seem frightful. She moans as if she is in a nightmare and cannot get out of it."
"Poor lass," Jamie leaned against the door, surveying John's slumped shoulders. "How are ye, John?"
John stared at Eleanor, his back still to Jamie, "She is going to die, Jamie. I'm going to lose her."
Jamie came into the room then, "No, I don't believe so."
"How can you say that? Look at her!" John exclaimed his hand thundering down upon the table next to him. "It's bloody likely! You of all people should be attuned to the reality of the situation we find ourselves in. How can you believe it to be anything but so?"
"I do not entertain the possibility," Jamie retorted, "Otherwise my heart might split into two if I do. The wee uns need me to believe and so I do...fer them. But also fer Eleanor. I willna give up on her, John...not while there is breath left in my being. Tis what she would want...us to believe that she is more than capable of fighting."
"Oh God," John leaned forward to bury his head in the covers, "I'm sorry, Jamie. Forgive my outburst."
"No," Jamie said, leaning down beside him, "Ye dinnae have to apologize."
"But I do...I know you feel this keenly as well."
"But the difference is...I have no right to feel so."
"Yes, you do, you have every right, for I know how much you care," John murmured into the covers. His body began to shake, "I feel like I cannot bear this prospect, Jamie."
Jamie put a large hand on John's shoulder, "I ken."
"I wish I could just...shut myself off from feeling...and yet, I find myself, hopeless to do so. The more and more I try, the more despair I feel...because Eleanor shattered every reserve I had in my being...every wall I put up against her, she conquered...and what will I be left with? A life lived alone...devoid of care and hope?"
"Ye have yer son, John. And..." Jamie squeezed his shoulder. "ye have me. I am here."
"I have lost ones I have left before...Percy...and Isobel..." John raised his head, "and even those that have not died, I have lost to me...lovers...and..." he paused, "friends...from time to time..." he looked at him, his eyes wild with grief...and hopelessness.
"Aye," Jamie said, his voice low.
"and yet, the thought of this? Of Eleanor? Eleanor?" John's face crumpled as he stood and paced the floor. "It is unthinkable! I cannot lose her...and I know I will."
Jamie watched him and then approached him.
John turned his face away so Jamie could not see his tears, "I'm sorry." he whispered.
"No," Jamie put his hand on John's shoulder and then pulled him in...his arms around him. "It is verra hard not feel this. I do too. I just try to hide it..."
John leaned against him, "I simply do not wish to live in a world without her...what has she made me into? What kind of man have I become to feel this way?" he asked, incredulously.
"Ah, John..." Jamie patted his back, "A man in love. She's made ye into a man in love."
John sniffed hard and then pulled away, "Yes. Indeed. I am. Thank you, Jamie."
"Of course," Jamie said, his hand still on John's arm, squeezing it tightly, "I meant what I say. Ye have my friendship...and ye always will."
"I know. And I am grateful for your friendship...and your care for me...and for Eleanor."
Jamie nodded, "Why don't ye rest? Ye will feel better with sleep. And then why dinnae ye spend time with the wee uns? It could do ye some gut."
"I do not think I can leave her alone."
"Ye won't," Jamie said, his other hand coming on John's other arm, he patted both of John's arms, "Fer I am here. I will watch over Eleanor for ye."
He nodded, "Very well. Will you wake me if there is a change?"
"Of course," Jamie said, "Susanna will continue to keep guard outside. I will send her to you if there is."
"I appreciate it, Jamie."
Jamie nodded and then went to sit next to Eleanor on the bed. He reached to feel her forehead, frowning at how hot she was. " Eleanor, mo ghraidh, I need ye to heed what I am sayin to ye," Jamie kissed her forehead and then leaned to rub it gently with his fingers, before leaning in to get close to her, "John is right...ye canna leave us. Ye must fight fer the life ye are supposed to live...fer those four rockers on the porch, listenin to our grandbairns play. Will ye try, alainn ros? Just try...please?" Jamie's voice caught, "I will be strong fer Lord John...and hold in because of my commitment and love for Claire, but the prospect of losin ye? I canna bear it either...to have the sun takin away from me and our bairns...and for John. He loves ye so. Will ye no try harder? I ken it is hard fer ye...but I have always believe that ye can do whatever yer mind to. Just don't give up, Ellie."
She moaned and flailed, crying out in her sleep.
"John is right, yer dreams are fitful," Jamie whispered, kissing her forehead again. "Dinnae fash, mo ghraidh. I am here." he sat on the bed and then reached fer her hand, holding it in both of his, "Dinnae fear. I willna let ye come to harm. I made a vow to ye. And I fully intend to keep it. Fer I am just as stubborn as ye."
"Jamie," Eleanor whispered, her face flamed with fever. "Where is John?"
"I sent him to rest," Jamie rose, "Come, drink a sip, alainn ros." He gently helped her up and put the water to her lips, helping her to drink several sips of water.
"Where is my baby?"
"Claire has him. He is verra braw, lassie." Jamie put the cup down and then sat with her on the bed. "And a verra gut set of lungs. He is a healthy lad, no doubt."
"Is John happy?" Eleanor asked.
"Over the bairn, aye," Jamie nodded, "but I canna say he is happy because of how ill ye are."
"Am I dying?" Eleanor whispered, her throat scratchy. "I feel so hot."
"I dinnae ken," Jamie reached for a cloth dipping it in the basin of water, wringing it out and sponging her head with it. "Claire said the next few hours are critical."
"You shouldn't be taking care of me this way," Eleanor shivered. "It isn't proper."
"Since when have ye cared aboot that?" Jamie said, a small smile on his face, "Truth be told, I couldna leave ye today- to fight on yer own. And John has been by yer side for the past few days and all last night, keeping watch...he is exhausted."
Eleanor reached out for his hand, which was still on her forehead. She removed it and then gripped it, "I do not wish to die, Jamie. Our babies need me...and my darling Hugh. I wish I could hold him again. He is so little. He needs me."
"Then, ye must fight," Jamie looked at her, evenly. "Ye canna give up, Eleanor...no matter how weary or how much ye wish to give in."
"John thinks I am going to. I heard him last night...and you and him talking," she whispered. "He is falling apart and I don't know how to make it better for him."
"Ye canna," Jamie kissed her hand, "He is a man in love...and a man whose world is shattered," he paused, his voice cracking, trying to compose himself. "He is tryin verra hard to be strong fer ye." Jamie turned his head, "As we all are."
"He has been my steady rock for these past few years, but..." Eleanor took a breath, "I shouldn't have leaned on him so much. It wasn't fair to him to keep taking so much from him..."
"Ye are in a marriage, Ellie," Jamie said, "How can ye no?"
"I forced him to love me, Jamie...when it wasn't in his nature. And what if that was wrong? What if this ends badly and John is hurt by it? I cannot bear that thought."
"Oh, Eleanor, mo ghraidh, put it from yer mind now. Ye dinnae have to force him to love ye. Take it from a man who kens weel...to love ye...its akin to breathin. How could he be with ye and not love ye, my wee besom?" He paused, "Nah, dinnae think he will ever have regrets fer lovin ye. I ken I dinnae."
"Don't you?" she whispered. "Putting the children aside..."
"I never loved ye fer bearing me bairns, Ellie. I love ye fer ye...the verra frustratin, verra sweet woman ye are. No, I dinnae have regrets fer lovin ye."
Eleanor gripped his fingers, "I'm so hot, Jamie. The blankets are smothering me."
"Shh," Jamie hushed her, pulling the blankets back on her that she was clawing to get off, "Ye are shivering."
"Jamie!" Eleanor gasped. "I cannot breathe with them on me!" She struggled. "I'm so hot."
Jamie's eyes widened, sensing the danger she was facing. He looked over to where Susanna was keeping watch over Eleanor. "Go get Lord John."
Susanna rushed away.
Jamie gathered her up in his arms, holding her tightly as she convulsed against him, her fever raging out of control, "Shh, Ellie, mo ghraidh," he whispered. "I have ye. I willna let ye go. But ye must try, leannan. Please, Eleanor. Please try fer me, alainn ros. Please. Ye must fight- ye canna give in. I willna let ye give in."
John rushed in the room, his eyes wide. "What is happening?"
"Her fever is too high," Jamie said, "her breathing is affected. Tis what Claire feared."
John leaned against the door, frozen in terror, seeing his wife convulsing and struggling to breathe. "Great God in heaven, we are going to lose her."
"John, ye must take her," Jamie looked over at him, "She must feel yer arms and ken that she can fight...or that she can go."
"Good God," John looked stricken, "I c...cannot do that, James," he said, softly.
John never used Jamie's given name and Jamie knew just how the grief and terror at the thought of losing Eleanor was affecting him. He was unraveling.
"Aye, dinnae fash, John," Jamie gently eased Eleanor out of the bed. "I will be with her." he kissed her head, "Come now, mo ghraidh." He adjusted her in his arms and reached for a blanket.
"What are you doing with her?" John asked as Claire came into the room.
"Jamie?" Claire titled her head, "You shouldn't move her."
"She needs to feel the sun on her face and to be in the garden among the flowers she loves," he said. "This is a room of death...and Eleanor needs to ken life. Where are the wee uns?"
"Brianna and Roger have taken them for a walk," Claire said, "they should return soon...Jamie...I do not think this is wise..." Claire's voice trailed out at the defiant look he gave her.
"She needs to breathe the air outside," Jamie said, adamantly.
"But isn't how this works," Claire said, "It won't help."
"Aye, not physically, but will it hurt?" Jamie asked, his eyes on her, a tilt to his head. "She needs to feel peace, Claire, regardless of what might come. I willna have her afraid of this."
"No, it won't hurt," Claire said, slowly. "Do as you wish if it is okay with Lord John."
John nodded. "Whatever you think is best, Jamie," he said, his voice low.
They watched Jamie tenderly carry Eleanor out of the room, cradling her as if he was carrying one of his bairns. And at that moment, both Claire and John were struck by how evident Jamie's love was for Eleanor, to care and protect her in this shadow of death surrounding her, with such tenderness and regard.
"I couldn't..." John shuddered and Claire's arm came around him. "I can't be the one she needs."
"That isn't true," Claire told John, firmly. "Of course this is unbearable for you. I know it feels like your whole world is shifting underneath you. People handle grief differently, Lord John. Give yourself a few moments and then once your wrap your head around all of this...join Jamie. Take Hugh out to her. Jamie is right...she needs to find her way to fight or her way to give in. But regardless, she needs you there."
"Do you feel like...this is the end?" John asked, his voice breaking.
"I cannot say," Claire said, "But if it is...do you really wish for Eleanor to be without you? She loves you, Lord John."
John closed his eyes, "Good God, no. I wouldn't bear it if she was." He shuddered, "But I will not send Jamie away, Claire. He would not be able to bear that either. He made a promise to her whilst they were wed. Truth be told, he needs to be there as well...if the unthinkable does happen."
"I know he does," Claire nodded, "I will look out for Bree and the children and try to keep them away."
"Yes," John's voice cracked, "I think that would be best."
Claire reached out to squeeze his hand before John took his leave.
Eleanor moaned, her head resting in Jamie's lap, lying out in the garden on a blanket. Jamie reached for the bucket of water Ian had brought and they both began to place cool compresses on her.
"Do ye think she will die, Uncle?" Ian's voice was full of sorrow and grief.
"I dinnae ken," Jamie said, rubbing Eleanor's head, stroking her hair.
"Ian," Ellie moaned as reached for Ian's hand. "Take care of your cousins. Don't let them get mixed up in what's to come. Please."
"Aye, Auntie," Ian's voice cracked, "Dinnae fash aboot the wee uns."
"Jamie," Eleanor struggled, "I feel like there is a weight on my chest."
"I ken, mo ghraidh. Just try to take one wee breath at a time."
"Will you forgive me if I can't?"
Jamie's hand stilled, heavy upon her head, "Of course I will," his voice broke, "I love ye, Eleanor. I told ye that I would forgive ye of anythin...even if it means I have to let ye go from this world."
Ian let out a sob.
"Jamie," John's face was white, holding Hugh, frozen...having overheard Jamie's words.
"Come take her, John," Jamie said, quietly, "Ye are a man of honor...and if ye dinnae honor yer wife now, ye will regret it fer the rest of yer days." Jamie leaned down to kiss Eleanor, sweetly on the cheek, "I will be right here, mo ghraidh...as I vowed to ye."
John gave Ian the baby as he sat down on the blanket and picked up Eleanor, his firm arms around her. Jamie reached for Eleanor's hand.
"I wish you to fight, Eleanor," John said, "You must."
"Oh John," Eleanor whispered.
"You told me after Hugh's birth that you would do anything for me. Do this for me. Do not give in," John said. "I wish to raise our children together...to watch Mac and Sam grow into men of honor...to witness where Rose's gentle heart leads her...and Hope's spunk...and to see who Hugh is more like...you or I. Isn't that worth fighting for?"
"Oh, John, how I love you," Ellie sighed, but her breathing settled in John's embrace, Jamie's hand squeezing hers.
They sat there for what seemed like forever before air was shattered by a yell.
"What is that?" Jamie let go of Eleanor's hand to rise.
Ian looked out to the horizon, "It's Brianna."
Jamie left the garden to go into the house, calling for Claire.
Claire came out as Brianna made it to the porch, a snake head in her hand.
"What in the world, Bree?" Claire asked.
"Did the snake bite ye, lass?" Jamie asked, worried.
"No, Roger killed it in time...but we can make this into a syringe. For Eleanor. Would that help?"
Claire nodded, "Yes, it will. Come. There is no time to lose."
Eleanor made quick work of Hugh's nappy, before picking him, cuddling her against him.
"How are you feeling today, Ellie?" Jamie asked.
Her fever had broken in the night and never came back...the penicillin doing it's job.
"So much better," Eleanor said, smiling at him. "Thanks for asking."
"Aye," Jamie said, "I was so verra worrit aboot ye, lass."
She shifted Hugh again, "I want to thank you for being there for me...when I was so sick...and helping John as well. I know he needed you too. Having you there with us...it meant so much...for you to still honor the promises you made to me so long ago."
Jamie nodded, "I canna honor many of them, but I will honor what I can...because when they were made, they were made sincerely, Eleanor. And I will do so even if there is a cost to me."
"I know that, Jamie," Eleanor said, softly. "At least I know that now, but if there is to be a cost to you, then I wish you not to feel burdened to honor them...for my vows to you so long ago were also sincerely made."
"Tis no burden," Jamie said, "I wanted to be there...fer ye and John in the moment ye and he needed me the most. I wanted it fer me as weel."
There was a knock on the door and Brianna came in, her hand in Mac's.
"Mac is worried about you, Eleanor," Brianna said, "Mama said it was okay for him to see you."
"Of course it is," Eleanor patted the spot next to her, "Climb up, Mac and if you like, you can hold your brother for me." She put the baby in his arms, "There you are, my love. My oldest wee bairn and my youngest. How blessed am I to have these sweet boys to love?" She kissed Mac's head and then Hugh's before glancing at Jamie, who winked at her.
She looked to Brianna who was smiling, "Brianna Fraser MacKenzie, you are amazing."
Brianna blushed, "It was nothing."
"It was brilliant," Eleanor said, grinning, "And I'm grateful for you...but not for that, for also taking care of your siblings when I couldn't."
"I love them, Eleanor," Brianna said, honestly as Jamie reached to grip Bree's fingers. "And I will love Hugh too."
"Brianna did ye learn all those things in college?" Mac asked. "In yer time?"
"Yes, I did, Mac," Brianna leaned to ruffle his hair, "And you will too one day...in your time if you wish."
"Nah, I wish to be a solider like Da," Mac said.
Eleanor's eyes widened, "James Mackenzie Fraser, you will go to college."
"Aye, Mama is right. I had learnin as weel," Jamie said, "And Lord John." He kissed his son's head, "I hear there is an excellent college in Virginia...that only the finest scholars go to...isn't that right, mama?"
Eleanor blushed, "Yes, indeed," she said.
"Sam says he is not doin his lessons when he is grown," Mac told them, seriously. "He is just goin to fight like Da and Lord John!"
Jamie grunted and then raised an eyebrow, "Since when do ye take heed to what Samuel says?"
Eleanor let out a breath and then turned to Brianna, "One thing is for certain, tis never dull in this house."
Brianna giggled, "Yes. But you wouldn't change that, would you, Eleanor?"
Eleanor smiled and reached to put her arm around her sons, "No, not for the world."
A few months later:
Jamie took a deep breath as he tethered the horse. He had sent word ahead and John came out to greet him.
"Where is Eleanor?" Jamie asked.
"Distracted," John said, offering his hand. "Jamie, you look awful. What has happened?"
Jamie swallowed hard as he took his hand, squeezing it as he shook it, "They left." his voice was hoarse.
"Who left?" John asked, his forehead creased.
"Bree, Roger, the bairns..." Jamie took a breath, "And Claire."
John's eyebrows raised. "What do you mean...and Claire?" he asked, his hand still in Jamie's.
Jamie took a breath, "The bairn...she is not doin well...and Claire thinks Bree needs her. Given the dangers ahead, she thought it be best...I thought it best...I dinane ken who, but...they are gone and they willna come back," he turned his head, "I canna."
"Here," John tugged at his hand, then dropped it, "Come. We must talk."
"I canna..." Jamie shook his head. "She canna ken."
John's face grew white. "Yes, you must come. Come, let us talk. You do not have to see Eleanor or the children if you do not wish, but we must talk about this. We owe it to the children at least to."
"I dinna want this to disrupt yer life. Ye have a chiid, a marriage. If this complicates things even in Eleanor's heid, I dinna want that...that's not why I came. I just needed to see ye, John. I needed to be with a friend."
"Of course you were right to come, Jamie," John said, inclining his head, leading him away from the house into the grove. "And Ellie would also want to be that friend for you."
"But she canna," Jamie shook his head, "She eventually needs to ken, but right now it is too raw. And I dinna want her to...get inside her heid aboot is a marrit woman."
"My marriage to Eleanor is already complicated," John said, quietly.
"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, slowly.
"I love Eleanor. I love her dearly. More than I ever imagined. And it is a deep love, an abiding love. I cannot imagine my world without her in it. When I thought she was going to leave us, it tore my guts out, Jamie."
"I ken, I was there," Jamie responded. "I had a similar reaction."
"I remember. But..." he paused, "For the life of me, I cannot...I cannot shake it."
Jamie frowned. "What did ye do?"
"I did something rather foolish and I am reaping the consequences of it," John said.
"Ye dinna..." he titled his head.
"No," John let out his breath. "I have not broken her trust...but..." He let out his breath.
"Ye wish to," Jamie studied him.
"In the very worst way," John said, his face white. "I know that will anger you."
"No," He shook his head, "I have no right to judge, especially since I have spent the past five years...married and in love with one and verra much drawn to another. She ignored it fer as long as she could, but this with Bree and the war coming soon, it gave her the excuse..."
John titled his head, "Come." He sat down in a quiet spot by the brook, leaning against a tree. "Let's sit, here" he said, his voice low. "We'll talk through this together like we always do..."
Jamie sat as well. "As trusted friends."
"Yes, as trusted friends," John nodded. "Tell me how this happened."
"I think she just had enough. I dinnae ken if it was my reaction to Tryon and Ellie or my behavior when Eleanor was dyin...but it was like all the sudden she realized the extent to which I did care aboot Eleanor...even still...and she couldna abide by it..."
"I'm sorry," Claire said, her arms crossed, "I know this is unexpected."
"Unexpected?" Jamie thundered, hitting the wall, "No, tis not unexpected considerin Bree and the bairn, but what bothers me is that this is what ye think I want fer me... when I lived twenty years apart from ye?"
"But during that time, I was miserable with Frank and you were..." she paused, "not."
He sat down on the bed next to her, "So ye are finally punishin me after four years fer lovin Eleanor? Is that what this is?"
"No," Claire said, "This is about our daughter and our granddaughter and what they need...me in the future."
"Ye are just usin it as an excuse." Jamie accused.
"Can you honestly tell me that you can move past her? That the children you have with her and the intimacy you share with her will one day disappear?" she asked, "I saw the way you were with her when she was dying. I overheard you in the garden with her. To watch you so affected...your heart was breaking...and it is clear you still love her...love her beyond the four children you share. I should have realized this would never have worked the minute you told me Hope was yours."
"I made her a vow and the parts of the vow, I can keep, I must...to be the man that I am," Jamie said, his voice low, "But I honor you...day to day in our marriage. It is you I am committed to being with..."
"And if Eleanor wasn't with Lord John?" Claire said, "And I was back in my own time?"
"Eleanor is with Lord John and she loves him. I willna ever disrupt that no matter what ye choose to do. She has a bairn by him now too. She will always be connected to him."
"As you will be with her," Claire said, "And Lord John adores you too...so he is more than willing to look away."
"I dinnae believe that is true, but regardless, I have never been unfaithful to you, Claire. Not since ye returned."
"I am not talking about sex, Jamie," Claire retorted. "I'm talking about emotional intimacy...and you haven't given that up with Eleanor. And I don't think you ever can. John feels similar towards both of you so it doesn't matter...but it matters to me. I gave so much to be here, with you..."
"And I haven't given up, Claire?" Jamie's eyes were wide, "My bairns are weeks away from me. I canna be their father every day. I've given up too...fer ye...to live this life committed to ye and what are buildin together."
"I never asked you too...I assumed when you didn't send me away...that was your choice, that what you shared with Eleanor...wasn't like what we had. I thought you married her out of obligation."
"I did marry her out of obligation!"
"But you did not love her out of obligation. And I am not sure I didn't realize that at the time. But what I know now, it was special too...and it hurts, Jamie. It hurts that you couldn't admit that to me. That you wanted the family with Eleanor..."
"I love ye, Claire. I dinnae ken how to make ye see."
Claire reached for his hand, "I do see that."
"How is it no enough anymore?"
"War is coming...and the dangers of this century for Bree and Roger and our grandchildren...and what I have learned is that while Bree is very self sufficient like her father, she still needs her mother, especially with the baby facing heart surgery."
Jamie sighed, "What can I do to make ye change yer mind? Ye can go with Bree and come back to me."
"I do not think so," Claire squeezed his hand, "There isn't anything you can say, Jamie. I had a good life in Boston. And I will have one again, raising our grandkids with Brianna and Roger...where it is safe. But I will never stop longing for you."
"Then stay!" Jamie practically shouted.
"I'll stay...if you tell me...that you will stop longing for Eleanor and the family you shared. That you will let her go...to be happy with John..and no matter what happens, you will keep your distance from her. Even friendship can't work...you must just co-exist with her."
"How can I do so? She is a part of my family, Claire," Jamie said, "The wee uns need Eleanor and I to be friends for this to work being parents together. Otherwise she and I will always be bangin heids with each other. They dinnae deserve havin their family ripped apart. Ye stayed with Frank fer Brianna...how can ye judge me trying to make this work fer my wee bairns?"
"I don't judge you for it," Claire said, "but I cannot stay with you, Jamie. I'm sorry. Truly, I am. When it comes down to it...it wasn't ever right for your children to divide your family...and it isn't right for me to be divided from Bree, when she needs me so." She paused, "I have taught Marsali how to grow the penicillin and the syringe...and she knows how to do basic things. I think the Ridge will be taken care of."
Jamie nodded, "What can I do...Claire? I canna live half a life again."
Claire put her hand on Jamie's face, "You won't have to..." Tears filled her eyes. "You have Eleanor and the children. You will live for them, raising them."
Jamie rested his head in his hands, "When?"
"Sooner the better," Claire said. "The baby needs that surgery...and I will be the one to do it...in the future."
John's sighed, "I'm very sorry for it, Jamie. Truly I am. I suppose I just do not see the purpose besides helping Brianna and the little one. It isn't as if you are going to pursue my wife now."
"I suppose she just couldna abide by the closeness any longer. I canna blame her. I dinnae do right by either of the women I made vows to."
"You should tell Eleanor," John said, "She would want to be there for you."
"I suppose I dinnae want to admit that I failed so badly...especially when I dinnae fight fer her, then I couldna even be the man I needed fer Claire to stay. Tis like all of it has been fer naught...all her heartbreak and sorrow."
"She would understand," John said. "For her heart is often torn as well...as mine is."
"I know she would," Jamie said, "It just is so verra sore right now." He put his hand on John's arm, "but Ian is here, so I have a feelin that he willna be able to keep that big of a secret from his Auntie fer long. I confess it is why I brought him along...the coward that I am."
"You are no such thing," John said, firmly.
Jamie forced a smile, "Weel now, what is this aboot ye? What have ye done that is so verra troublesome? Perhaps it will make me feel better to listen to yer troubles fer a wee bit? So I ken that I am not alone."
"You will think me to be awful."
"After what I just told ye? I doubt it," Jamie said, easily, "Go on."
"The new cook I employed...he and I...well, we have a past," John admitted, quietly.
"And is that a temptation?" Jamie frowned.
"It wasn't at first, but Eleanor...she has been different...she is so very busy tending to the children and so tired all the time. Tis like she is in a fog daily. And I found myself going into the kitchen and talking to him...just for old times sake...and renewing our friendship...I'm afraid to admit it, but it has been welcome."
"Ye can be friends without betraying your marriage..." Jamie pointed out, "if ye are satisfied in yer own marriage, I dinnae think it to matter."
"Yes, well, Eleanor as been...weary...of intimacy of late...I cannot blame her. Claire made it clear that she cannot have more children at her age and I know we could..." he paused, "take precautions, but she just...panics."
"She loves ye so verra much, John, and I canna imagine how scarrit she was after Hugh's birth and losin yer daughter," Jamie patted John's back, "Ye must be patient with the lass. She is probably verra overwhelmed at it all...parenting the wee bairns and bein the wife ye need."
"It's been six months," John said, his voice low, "And I may be patient and honorable...but my carnal nature...it eats at me after a while especially when the other party has made clear that it would be welcome."
"Ye wouldna be the first man and I am verra certain ye willna be the last to feel the pull of it...but I dinnae believe it to matter because I ken that Eleanor will come around. Tell her what ye need and why ye need it...and she can tell ye what is on her heart. Yer problem is that ye dinnae want her push her over it because that makes ye feel guilty, like ye are a brute to demand it of her...and while that is verra kind of ye to want to be considerate, ye are assuming Eleanor is puttin ye off because Eleanor dinnae want it, but I dinnae think it would ever be because Ellie dinnae wish to have relations with ye...from what I saw in the bairn that one time, I have little doubt of that," Jamie said, dryly. "It's just she dinnae understand how to not fear what it could lead to. Make her feel safe and she will come around."
"Do you really believe so?"
"Aye, I do," Jamie said, "As fer the cook, I could use a cook at Fraser's Ridge...if ye would like to spare him fer me."
John sighed, "Yes, I suppose that would be wise. I feel like a fool for even thinking of this when Eleanor was so ill not even half a year ago."
"Nah, I think I understand it...ye and Eleanor are probably feelin the same way...the shock of what happened has settled down, but it has scarrit both of ye into drawin into yerselves."
"Scared me senseless it seems," John said, dryly. "What an idiot I am!"
"Aye," Jamie gave him a lopsided grin, "Indeed. But luckily fer ye, I am a bigger one."
John laughed, "It is good to have you back here, Jamie. I've missed you."
"I've missed ye too, John."
"Ian," Eleanor leaned to give him a hug, "What are you doing here?"
"Uncle Jamie is talkin with Lord John," he said, softly. "He rode ahead to meet with him and told me to come after." He reached for Hugh, "Come to yer godfather, wee un," he said. "He is gotten so big, Auntie."
"He has," Eleanor smiled at Ian. "Where is Claire?"
Ian looked at the baby and then at Eleanor, "She is gone, Auntie. Back to where she came. And I dinane think she is coming back."
Eleanor leaned against the wall, "Oh God. How is your Uncle holding up?"
"Not verra weel," Ian said.
Eleanor sighed, but then they were interrupted by the sound of the boys thundering down the stairs and they could not finish their conversation, distracted by the boys, who were thrilled to see their older cousin.
Later at dinner that night, Eleanor kept glancing at John, who calmly smiled at her. He knew she knew- could tell it immediately, but there hadn't been time discuss it with her.
Dinner was a quiet affair with John expertly guiding the conversation to safe topics when they were interrupted by a knock on the door. A few minutes later, an envelope was handed to Lord John.
"It's from England...from William," John said, opening it with his letter opener which was also handed to him.
"What does he say?" Eleanor asked, taking a large sip of wine.
John put the parchment down, "Lord Dunsany has passed. William needs me in England." He cleared his throat. "Claire said travel would not be well for you for a while and Hugh being so young..."
Eleanor closed her eyes, leaning her head against her hand. "I know," she said quietly, quite unsettled that her world was heaved upside at that very moment...for she couldn't imagine having to spend that time apart from John...who was her very world. She knew that there had been tension between them, but she took it for granted that he would be here when she was ready...and now he was leaving...and she simply did not know what to do...how to process this and accept that he was going.
"Eleanor," John reached for her hand, kissing it, softly, "We will talk it over tonight."
She nodded, forced a smile and then asked inquired after Marsali and Fergus even though she felt as if she was in a fog that she could never get out of.
Williamsburg, Virginia:
"Governor Tryon, welcome to Virginia."
Tryon bowed, "I'm honored to be here." He was handed a drink and sat comfortably down on the sofa in the Governor's Palace, "Tell me has there been any other news."
"The landowners are quite discontented," the aide to the governor said. "And Lord John is bound for England, but I hear Lady John visited Mt Vernon recently."
"Did she now?" Tryon frowned, "Do you believe Lady John to aid the cause of the crown?"
"Do you doubt that?" he responded, "You know Lady John better than I."
"Lady John is quite sympathetic to the commoners...she made that very clear when she was with me in North Carolina..."
"Do you think Lady John is aiding in this discontent?"
Tryon shrugged, "I cannot say...but I do believe while Lord John is away and unable to control her actions, that it would be prudent to send her away from Virginia...perhaps to the backwoods of North Carolina?"
"How will we do that?" he frowned.
"Did you know that Lady John was married before, to a Colonel Jamie Fraser, who led my troops to victory in North Carolina? Her children are his children...all except the youngest. And Colonel Fraser just lost his wife again..."
"I did not realize that. "
"If dear Lady John...was to believe that her beloved Lord John perished in a shipwreck, then by the time it got sorted, would be time enough for Colonel Fraser to intervene...he will not let her stay in Virginia with his children...not when they get the news that Lord John met his demise. He will insist her to return home with him, so he can help her with the little ones...and once there, I am most confident it will be only a matter of time before they are drawn to each other. Believe me, he wants her still. And if she was tucked away at Fraser's Ridge, then any influence she had over anybody...Lord John included will be for naught. Tis a brilliant notion to think upon, is it not?"
"Is it not diabolical to let Lady John mourn the loss of her husband when he is alive and well?"
Tryon folded his fingers, "Perhaps so...but is it necessary? Definitely so. She is a liability for Lord John and for the Crown. She must be reigned in...and this is a sufficient way to do so."
He sighed, "Very well. I will make arrangements."
"Excellent!" Tryon smiled. "This will work...you will see."
"And what will Lord John do when he finds out it was you who deceived his wife?"
"He will never have to know." Tryon said, with a small smile.