A/N: A very quick Christmas update. Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays to everyone! A bit of a shorter chapter, but since I ended on a cliffhanger, I wanted to get it out. Please let me know what you think when you get a chance. A BIG thank you to all who continue to read and review!
Chapter 46:
Eleanor sat on the couch by the fire, the piece of parchment lying on her lap. She watched the glowing embers, allowing herself to get lost in the crackling of the fire, trying to quell the torment of her soul. Thank God it was late, the missive coming in the night after the children were in bed. She couldn't bear having to witness the look on their faces when they learned this news...not yet at least. It would be unavoidable, but she just needed this time, to process the news...and to find her strength. How she would, she did not know. But she knew she must.
And so she sat, watching the fire, sitting on the sofa in John's library. It has always been a place of solace for her- warm and comforting and filled with John's presence and their beloved books. It was her favorite spot in the entire house and so she remained…trying to imagine John there…and what he would say to her in this moment, but fully aware that John would never come back to this spot, with her.
He would never comfort her, laugh with her, advise her, love her again…how was that even possible?
She sat like that for what seemed like hours and indeed it did turn into hours, unable to pull herself off her spot to go to her bed. She only rose to stoke the fire and then returned to the same spot, the missive safe on her lap. Susanna came to find her in the wee hours of the morning. Eleanor managed to choke out the instructions to care for the children, but to keep them away for the morning...just until she could figure things out. Susanna didn't press, but gave her a reminder that Mr. Fraser was due in the morning. She nodded, but didn't say anything else, lost in her thoughts that were swirling out of control in her head.
There was a knock on the door, mid morning and heavy boots walked across the floor.
The sofa creaked as Jamie sat next to her. He was quiet for a few minutes, sitting with her trying to read the situation. Finally, he said, his voice low and gentle, "Susanna said ye dinnae go to sleep last night. That ye have been in here since receivin a message late last night." He paused, studying her carefully, "Eleanor, ye are scarin me. Ye must tell me what has happened."
"If I say it," Eleanor whispered, "then I fear I speak this into existence..."
"But ye canna sit here and deny what is real...and what is true, mo ghraidh," Jamie said, quietly, "No matter how devastating the truth must be...and I ken it must, fer I can see the torment upon your face, lass."
"Yes, it is something too awful to bear...to speak of..." Eleanor whispered. "The thought of it makes my soul feels like it has torn into a million pieces and I am sitting here trying to figure out how to do simple things like breathing...breath after breath for even that takes my strength at the moment, not to mention how to get up from this chair and face what I must." A sob escaped, "Do not fear for me, I will face it, but..." She picked up the parchment from her lap and handed it to Jamie, "I cannot say the words to you, James. You must read it for yourself."
Jamie took the parchment reading it carefully. There was a low guttural sound and a few words spouted in Gaelic, before the parchment was handed back to her. Jamie let out a long shuddering breath, full of sorrow before he leaned and buried his head in his hands.
Eleanor's lip quivered as she fought silent sobs, trying to hold herself together- the shock and sorrow merging. She forced herself to focus on the crackling fire- of the sounds and the light, trying to block out the deep despair that was bubbling up from the depths of her soul. She couldn't look at Jamie, knowing if she did, the despair would overflow and she would fall to pieces. And she couldn't. They had five children who needed her to be strong…to show them how to get through this unbearable grief.
So, she forced her eyes on the fire, but Jamie didn't move either. Not towards her, not away…sitting with her as they both grieved their loss.
They sat like that in silence for the next hour before Ian found them.
"Uncle," he shifted Hugh, "The wee uns have been itchin to see ye and..." he shifted Hugh, "this un is gnawing and fussin, Auntie. He refused the mash that Susanna tried to feed him."
Eleanor rose, the parchment slipping from her lap. She went over to Ian, kissed his cheek, before reaching for Hugh. She left, without a word.
Ian turned to Jamie, incredulously, "What is the matter with Auntie? She dinnae look weel. Ye arena lookin weel either, Uncle. What happened?"
"Aye, she isna weel and neither am I," Jamie stood and scooped down to pick up the parchment, "Lord John's ship dinnae make it into the next port. There was wreckage found."
Ian's mouth dropped in shock as he shook his head in disbelieve, "I canna believe it to be true."
"The Governor of Virginia sent the missive- a friend. Tis shocking, but tis the truth…"
"Aye, I ken, but…" Ian let out a long breath, "how much more will she be asked to bear, Uncle?" Ian asked, his voice low. "First her bairn and being so ill and now this?"
Jamie shook his head, wearily, "I dinnae ken."
Two Months Earlier:
Eleanor leaned over John's shoulder as he sat with Hugh against him, his feet up. "How long has he been asleep for?" she whispered.
"A while," John said, "I couldn't bear to put him down."
Eleanor's lip trembled, "I know."
"The little Frasers asleep?" John asked, his eyes shining as he watched his son.
"Yes, finally," Eleanor plopped not so gracefully in the chair across from him in the sitting room. "Between Jamie and Ian being here and the news that Claire was gone and you are headed to England, Jamie and I had to field alot of inquisitive little questions at bedtime."
"I should have been there," John said, quietly, "to help you."
"Jamie and I had it in hand," Eleanor said, "you helping with Hugh helped alot."
"Yes, I even had to change a nappy," John wrinkled his nose.
"Oh for shame," Eleanor teased, "You could have asked Susanna to."
"No, I didn't mind," John said, "I haven't done alot of those nappy changes, but I am the little one's father, so..."
She smiled, "But you are a gentleman, Lord John..."
"And you are a lady, Lady John, and you still do so yourself rather than hand him off to others to do what is undesirable."
"That's true, because I am his mother, and I love him, so it matters naught to me," Eleanor sighed. "Oh, John...this feels so wrong."
"I know, sweetheart," he whispered, "Allow me to put Hugh in his crib and we shall discuss this all."
She nodded, "I will change and meet you in our bedroom," she rose to lean down to kiss Hugh's head. She turned but John's hand reached out, clasping hers.
"I love you, Eleanor Grey. Do not forget that...no matter what may happen."
She allowed the words to fill her up, a balm to her weary soul. "I love you too, John."
Two Months Later:
Eleanor shifted Hugh who was sleeping against her chest, lost in her thoughts.
"Eleanor," Jamie knelt beside her, "Ye must try to get sleep, lass. Ye are shattered. Tis not gut fer ye to lack sleep...it makes yer disposition fearsome."
He was trying to tease her, trying to get her out of her despair, yet still, she couldn't even manage a look or a smile...
"Was I not strong enough for our babies?" Eleanor asked, her lip trembling.
"Aye, ye were verra strong," Jamie said, "And comforting."
"I couldn't tell them what would happen next...for I do not know. All I could do was hold them...and love them. But the pain, I could not shield them from it. They are so hurt."
"Aye, tis to be expected," Jamie said, "As fer next steps, ye and I will discuss that in the comin days...when ye have gotten enough rest and can listen."
"And be agreeable?" Eleanor raised an eyebrow as she looked at Hugh, avoiding Jamie's gaze. "To follow your orders?"
"Tis not what I said," Jamie countered, his voice firm, yet still gentle. "Do not put words in my mouth fer me, lass."
"Tis what you meant," Eleanor said, still staring at Hugh.
"No, it isna what I meant," Jamie said, his hand moving out to touch her arm, but her arm flinched.
Jamie's mouth dropped in shock, but he snapped it shut, his chin titling up, resolutely.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, unable to meet his gaze, "It was a reaction. I didn't mean it. You are right. I do need sleep. My brain is in a fog and I hardly know what is happening."
Jamie rose, "Aye, sleep will do ye wonders. I'll see ye in the morn, Eleanor."
Her face flushed, embarrassed. "It's just..."
"I ken. Ye want Lord John to be providin ye comfort. Tis understandable. And tis why ye canna even look at me since ye have gotten the news."
"Perhaps, if I have some sleep," She rose from the couch, shifting to secure her grasp on Hugh. "I will be better equipped to face everything."
"Aye, that would be best."
"Very well. Goodnight, Jamie."
"Goodnight, mo ghraidh."
Eleanor went upstairs and changed into her nightgown, climbing into her bed and John's. She closed her eyes tightly and her mind wandered to two months previous, what would have been one of the last times Lord John held her in his arms.
Ellie climbed in bed with him, adjusting the blankets over her.
"How are you feeling, my darling?" John asked, reaching out to trace the side of her face with his finger, his touch light.
"Sad. Worried. Resigned," she turned to looked at him. "Guilty."
"Guilty?" John raised his eyebrows, "Whatever for?"
"I thought we had a while for me to sort out my feelings after Hugh's birth...and I pushed you away and I shouldn't have. I regret it...deeply."
"I see," John's look was tender, "Did you mean to freeze at my touch?"
"No," Eleanor whispered, "Of course not."
"Then, the way I see it, is that you should not feel the burden of guilt for something you do not choose. As far as not communicating with me about it, I will accept your apology, if you, my darling Eleanor..." he paused, "accept mine. In striving not to push you over the issue, I allowed us to draw away from each other...and that did not serve either of us well nor our marriage. Will you forgive me?"
"There is nothing to forgive...for you are the most gentle, considerate man I know...Oh, John, I'm so scared of having another baby and dying from it."
"I don't blame you for that," John said, honestly, "I'm scared of it too. Which is why we will take measures to prevent it."
"But those measures are not fool proof."
"No, but Claire thought given those measures, we would not have to force ourselves to celibacy."
"I know...but we try and then it's like I get inside my head...and start thinking and then I worry and then...I want nothing to do with anything."
He gave her a smile, "I am well aware of that. But in those times, instead of drawing away, will you try to draw towards me? Because I do love you so...and wish to comfort you...and to make you feel safe." He cleared his throat.
She nodded.
"I must tell you something and I fear you might be angry...but I cannot leave you without being honest with you..."
"What is it?"
"Our new cook...he and I have a past."
Eleanor reached for his hand, taking it in hers and kissing it, "You have been spending quite a bit of time in the kitchen."
"I thought you didn't notice."
"Of course I noticed," Eleanor said, "I was scared to ask you about it. I knew you weren't having an affair, but I thought if I asked, you would feel like I was accusing you of it. I know I have been an awful wife of late. Between the five children, I have allowed myself to get consumed, especially with Hugh, knowing he is our last. I did not balance my time and I forgot that being your wife...your partner is what brings me the most joy in our family...we are so much stronger when are souls are in step with each other...and that joy and peace spreads out to every end of this household."
John smiled at her, tenderly, "I feel precisely the same."
"God, I love you so much it hurts at times," Eleanor sighed. "I want with everything in me to ask you to stay."
"I know you do," John said, his voice, "I need you not to, Eleanor, because if you ask, I will stay."
"William needs you...and I will not let him suffer because I will miss you too much...but I will require your word, Lord John, that you will return to me. You must promise because I know that you will never break a promise you have made to me."
He leaned over to kiss her gently, "I promise you."
Her eyes overflowed with tears, "My heart feels like it will break."
"Then let me to try to mend it," he gently wiped her tears with the pad of his thumb, "by showing you, how dear you are to me...the joy that is reserved only betwixt you."
She bit her lip, "I want it, John. I want it so badly...I just..."
"I will not be offended if you need a few moments for us to slow...I believe you can scale this wall, Eleanor if we do so together." He leaned over and kissed her so tenderly and so sweetly that she felt she could break under its weight. "Allow me to love you in the way that both of us need."
He kissed her again, his kiss growing deeper and more insistent. He pulled himself away, "Well, Lady John?"
Without another word, Eleanor leaned over and kissed him, passionately.
And John was right- they could scale that wall together...with patience, tenderness and alot of love between them. Because they were so much better together than apart.
Eleanor wiped the tears that were streaming down her face. She went to the dresser drawer and pulled out one of John's handkerchiefs, which was folded so neatly in his drawer. John was meticulous in his habits, which endlessly amused her and made her adore him even more. She reached for it, holding it, before reaching down for the candle. She snuffed out the rest of them before wiping her eyes and carrying the candle to the girls' room.
She blew it out, before shifting Hope over and crawling into bed with her. She knew her heart would never be mended again.
And so it would begin, her nightly routine of waiting until the children were asleep to pick one of them to sleep with, not wishing to ever sleep in the bed that she and John shared again...not without him by her side. It hurt too much to do so.
"I don't see how ye have much of a choice in the matter," Jamie said, his feet planted his hands folded in front of him. "Ye must come to the Ridge and allow our bairns to have the benefit of both their mama and father...fer their sakes...and yer own, Eleanor."
She looked at Ian, who was handing Hugh a wooden teething toy, Hugh chomping on it as he sat on his godfather's lap. "What do you think, Ian?"
Ian looked grim, then resolute, "My cousins should be with their family...with their Da, Fergus and Marsali and I...so we can help them heal."
"I can't leave here and go to the Ridge."
"Why not?" Jamie asked, his voice low.
"Because I have to be here with John returns!" Eleanor raised her voice and Hugh started to fuss. Ian shifted him and began to rock him.
"Eleanor," Jamie's voice exuded patience, but was firm nonetheless, "John is gone."
"No, listen," Eleanor crossed her arms, hugging them against her, "we thought that with Claire and she wasn't so...it is possible, right?" She went over to look at the fire, her hand on the mantle. "I will not give up on him. He is my husband...and he is Lord John! He has to be alive! This is some horrible mistake."
Jamie looked at Ian and inclined his head. Ian rose and left them alone, taking Hugh with him.
Jamie went over to stand by the fireplace with her, "I ken ye want to believe that, lass, but the missive was from the Governor and he would ken weel. Tis no reason to think it to be made in error. He is a friend, is he no? The Governor?"
"Yes, but..."
"Tis no buts aboot it, Eleanor. It does no good fer ye to go on this path...to live with a fool's hope. I had to learn that with Claire."
"But she did come back to you!"
"ye ken that was different," Jamie said, "Tis been over a week since ye have gotten the news...and ye have been avoiding me...and this conversation. But face it we must because I must return to the Ridge...and I want ye and the bairns to return with me."
"I still can't look at you," Eleanor murmured. "So I thought avoidance would be easier."
"Aye, I noticed," Jamie said, "ye are feelin so fierce in yer loyalty to John, Eleanor...and protective over what ye and he shared."
"Yes, but its more than that," Eleanor said, "I'm afraid, I will fall apart because I know you cared for him too...and share my grief. And if I share that grief with you, then it is an acknowledgement that all this is real."
He reached to cover her hand, ignoring the flinch. "Ye are just goin to have to be brave aboot it."
"I don't want to," she confessed. "I need to keep it together. It's what John would have wanted."
"No, John would want ye to grieve," Jamie said, quietly, "with those who care fer both ye and him." He patted her hand and then dropped his. He pulled out a piece of parchment from his coat, putting it on the mantle. "He left this with me...to give to ye if we learned he wasna comin home. Read this and then decide what ye should do."
He left her without another word. With trembling hands, Eleanor took the piece of parchment, breaking the seal. Sitting down on the sofa, she unfolded the letter carefully. Her heart hammered as she saw the familiar handwriting. She was engulfed in unbearable pain under the knowledge the man she loved so fully, she would never see again. Yet, still, she knew that John's words could provide a measure of healing…for he always found the way to her soul, soothing her. She was grateful that every need he always provided, whether known or unknown, seen or unforeseen. That was Lord John for you…
She sniffed hard, the tears flowing down her face as she read:
My dearest Eleanor,
If you are reading this, then I am afraid I had to break a promise I made to you and if that is the case, I beg your forgiveness, my darling wife. My intention was always to return to you and the family you and I have created and the thought of that vow being broken, it shatters my own heart as well. What you and I found together, Eleanor, was so remarkable, that I can hardly put into words the gift that you gave me. You are a rare woman, one that it has been the honor of my life to know. I beg you- do not doubt yourself, for I know that strength and beauty of your soul…that soul that met mine so marvelously.
And now for a few practical matters to address with you, my darling. I wish most ardently that you will return to Fraser's Ridge with Jamie. Mac, Sam, Rosie and Hope need him as their father- in the day to day joys and sorrows that life might bring. To have a father like that…it is invaluable for a young one. Do not let your fear of what will come if go to Fraser's Ridge, deny them of this. As for our Hugh, he will do well to be raised in a big family such as the Fraser clan with Fergus, Marsali and their little ones underfoot- they will be his ideal playmates. I know he will be happy under yours and Jamie's care.
And in regards to you, my greatest wish for you, is that you will not take this as an opportunity to distract yourself in our children, but you will find a way to live your life, Eleanor. Don't strive to merely survive, but live. Embrace the joys, sorrows, love, frustration this life can bring…and in time, if you wish, to do that with Jamie by your side. His love for you runs deep- I was witness to that love for many years and when he thought you were dying, he was so fierce in his love and protection of you. Don't be afraid to love- your heart has such a capacity for love and care. To deny that for the sake of my memory, would be my greatest regret…for I will always wish for your every care and happiness. The past must remain in the past…but the future, that's yours to explore. Do it well, my love.
And beyond it all, whatever may come, remember you are so very well loved.
Always yours,
John
Eleanor folded up the note and wept.
Eleanor poured two glasses of brandy and handed one to Jamie, keeping the other for herself. She sat down across from him, looking down at the amber liquid.
She took a couple long sips and then placed it to the side, "Hugh is still nursing, I must be careful."
"Aye," Jamie nodded and looked at her expectantly.
"I don't wish to leave here, James," Eleanor said, quietly and then raised her head to finally look at him, meeting his eyes. She paused, finding compassion there, a tender understanding of her struggle. His eyes held hers, them taking measure of each other in for few moments. She swallowed the lump down in her throat and her voice cracked, "I need to feel close to John and that means remaining here."
Jamie let out a long breath, "I can understand that, Ellie. And I would stay here with ye and the wee uns, but I have been away from the Ridge too much lately...and..."
"I understand you have obligations at the Ridge," Eleanor swallowed hard, "You worked hard to build the settlement and it's your home…and this is mine. So I don't know what to do."
"What did John say in his letter if ye dinnae mind me asking?"
She fought the quiver in her lip, "He said to go with you to the Ridge. That the children need you." She turned her head away, trying to compose herself, and fell silent.
"Eleanor, I must ask…is it more than..." Jamie paused, "John's memory that makes ye want to stay here?"
She reached for the brandy again, taking another long sip, "I don't believe I can run your household successfully, Jamie."
A deep frown crossed his features, "Ye run the day to day of our family just fine, lassie."
"With alot of help...with meals and laundry and the kids...and I'm not sure I remember how to do it on my own...all the lessons Jenny taught me so well, that seems like a lifetime ago...I never wanted to live at the Ridge...that was your dream and Claire's, not mine. Our family can't thrive at the Ridge if I am a failure at living out there. I'm good for short visits, but not to live."
"We thrive as a family when we are together, lass," Jamie said, his voice low, but firm. "Tis not aboot ye or me. It is aboot our wee uns and what is best fer them. When Lord John was alive, it was different, but surely ye can see that ye canna keep the bairns so far from me...not when they can be with me. They are strugglin so without their stepfather. Nah, tis not the reasonable course...even if I can understand yer hesitation to live at the Ridge."
"But," Eleanor bit her lip, "We can't live together, Jamie. Not as two single people."
He paused, "Ian will be there to chaperone. And Lizzy. And I ken ye want to give Susanna a salary or the option to stay or go, but if she comes with us, it will be plenty of people to make us stayin at the Big House more than appropriate." He looked at her, his gaze searching, "Do ye have any other objections ye would like to bring up?"
"Fine, whatever..." Eleanor stood. "It's just..." she paused, frustrated.
"Go on," Jamie prompted, "Get it out, lassie."
She took a long breath and let it out and then groaned, "I don't want to play house with you, Jamie, okay?" she said in a frustrated rush of words and emotions.
Jamie stared at her, long and hard. But even as he did, his mind wandered...
"What is this, John?" Jamie asked, as John handed him a letter.
"For Eleanor...if..." John paused, "something happens to me. Would you give this to her for me?"
Jamie grunted, but put the parchment in his pocket. "Very weel."
"I find it is always best to prepare for every potential outcome," John said, "She made me promise to come home to her."
"What did ye say?"
John gave him a small smile, "I said I would and I fully intent to...unless I cannot." He paused, "And if I cannot, Jamie, she should go to Fraser's Ridge with you. She will not want to...and I dare say, she will fight you on it...but she will need you...even if at the time, she does not want you near her." John took a drink, "Tis to be expected...she will want to protect her heart...but don't let her push you away. It will take patience, but I have every faith in you. Just promise me...if something happens, she will be cared for...and not just with a roof over her head and food on her table...but when the time is right... with a partner to walk this life with."
"John, this is foolhardy," Jamie said, bluntly, "Nothin will come of it."
"Yes, I suppose you are right," John said, "But I cannot leave Eleanor here without your assurances."
"Very weel. Ye have my word."
"And she needs you to be gentle with her heart, Jamie, and yet still firm to guide her."
Jamie grunted, "I loved her before ye. If it comes to it, I will be the man she needs me to be. Dinnae fash, John."
Jamie stood and went to stand in front of her, "I willna take yer bait, Eleanor." He told her, his voice stern. "Ye must settle yerself with this course. We are a family, Eleanor, whether ye like it or no. I ken ye are grievin and yer heart is torn up over John, but I am yer friend, not yer enemy. But if ye need to be angry at someone or something, I will be glad to bear the brunt of yer frustration...at Fraser's Ridge. Have I made myself clear?"
She glared at him, "Perfectly so, James."
Jamie gave her a wry smile, "At least ye are lookin at me now," he said, dryly. "Tis some progress."
Eleanor rolled her eyes and then paused, "I don't mean to be difficult, you know."
"I ken," Jamie said, his voice low.
"The thought of leaving here...the home I shared with John...It is just...so hard. Sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out and other times I want to destroy every inch of this house. My emotions are so fraught, Jamie."
He reached out to lightly touch her arm, "I lived with similar feelins, mo ghraidh. I willna fault ye fer how yer grief affects ye. I only wish to help ye."
"I don't think I can be helped," she whispered, her voice hoarse.
His eyes were so sympathetic, "How aboot we try it- ye and the bairns livin at the Ridge? And if ye are too miserable, then we can talk aboot what to do. Maybe ye can go visit Auntie...or I dinnae ken. We will work it out together. Please believe me, I dinnae want ye miserable...or at least more miserable than ye have to be at the moment...I ken it is unavoidable considerin the circumstances and the loss ye are enduring. Does that sound fair?"
Eleanor let out a long breath, tears springing to her eyes, "Yes," her voice trembled.
Jamie rubbed her arm, "And dinnae fash, there are plenty to help at the Ridge. Ye will get organized and into a rhythm of how to best run our family there...just as ye did here. Marsali is doin a fine job since Claire left...and I ken she would enjoy doin the day to day work of the Ridge, with a friend such as ye."
She nodded and sniffed hard. She stepped away from Jamie, "I have to..."
He nodded, "Aye, go on."
He allowed her to flee, knowing she wished for solitude to cry her tears.
Eleanor pulled the blanket up more tightly over Mac and Sam, who were both huddled together in the bed of the wagon. She gently brushed their hair to the side, tenderly kissing both.
She moved a few steps to Rose and Hope, doing the same before conversing with Susanna briefly, who insisted on keeping watch over the children as they slept.
"Should I get the babe?"
"No, I am going to keep him with me tonight to make sure he is warm enough, but I don't trust his siblings not to roll over on him. Do you have enough bedding for you?"
Susanna nodded.
"Do you want to come sit by the fire with us?" Eleanor asked, her voice casual. "We would love the company."
"No, ma'am, I want to watch over these sweet babes," Susanna said, "You should go drink some tea...and then try to sleep."
"Sleep often alludes me these days," Eleanor admitted, softly.
"I know," Susanna said, "But you should try anyway. It is a difficult journey with the babes if you are not well rested."
She nodded, thanked her again and then went to sit on a log beside Jamie, who was sitting near the fire, stoking it with a stick with one arm as Hugh rested in the other. She reached for Hugh. "Maybe I can nurse him again and get him more settled."
"Aye," Jamie handed her the baby and then an extra blanket to cover herself with.
Ian handed her a mug of steaming tea. "Here, Auntie. It will warm ye."
"Thank you," Eleanor smiled at Ian and took a sip. She watched as Ian went over to pour another mug and take it to Susanna. She turned her head to Jamie, who was leaning over, his elbows on his knees, "Do you think we will be safe out here?"
"If I dinnae, do ye think we would have picked this spot?" Jamie asked, wryly and then let out a long breath and moderated his tone, "Dinnae fash, lass."
"I didn't mean to imply..." Eleanor began, but Jame interrupted her,
"I ken ye dinnae mean anything by it. Ye dinnae have to be afraid though. Ian and I will be near."
"The kids complained nonstop today," Eleanor said.
"Aye," Jamie said, "I will talk to them before we leave in the morn."
Eleanor sighed, "Probably a good idea." She paused, "We can do this, right?" She looked at him, meeting his eyes.
"Do what, exactly, lass?"
"Find our rhythm as a family...be parents together without John and Claire to intervene when we want to throttle each other."
"Weel," Jamie titled his head, "my wee besom, I will promise ye to try my hardest not to provoke ye if ye do the same. And we both ken how to get other each other's skin...so if we ken then we can fight the urge...as difficult as that may be."
"I'll try as well," She twisted the end of her braid. "May I ask you a question?"
"Of course, ye can," Jamie said, easily.
"Do you miss Claire, Jamie?"
He nodded. "Aye, the sting is there, but I canna help but be glad that she is safe...in her own time, where she belongs with our daughter and grandbairns."
"I feel like the damage to my heart, it's never going to go away."
"It hasna been long at all, lass. Each day that passes that ye survive it, it will eventually get better."
"I know that rationally, but my heart...that's a different story."
"Aye, it often is," Jamie said, quietly.
"John anchored me. I was so much better for him in my life, the day to day struggle of raising children and living in this time...he became my best friend, my confidante, the one I turned to when I felt things spiraling...and I can't imagine my life without him. How do I just go on?"
"Ye find things to make it worth livin...fer me, it was Fergus and Jenny...and wee Ian and all my nieces and nephews. My clan, my family."
"John said in his letter that he wanted me to live, not just distract myself in the children. But I don't know how to do that."
"Ye will find yer way, mo ghraidh. Take it one step at a time."
Eleanor looked down, "I think he is asleep." She shifted him off her breast and then gently shifted him onto her shoulder, making sure she was covered up again. She was constantly grateful that Claire had insisted after Hugh's birth, even though she raged with fever to force fluids and continue nursing Hugh, supplementing him with the wet nurse. Her milk ended up coming in, especially after the dose of penicillin that broke her fever. The time nursing and bonding with Hugh had been such a comfort to her, knowing he was her last baby.
"Aye," Jamie reached to put a hand on the baby's back, his look of fondness for John's child clear. "Make sure ye bundle him gut, lassie, especially if ye doesna have the warmth of his wee siblings and the shelter of the wagon."
"I will. Goodnight, Jamie."
"Sweet dreams, Ellie."
Eleanor huddled Hugh, but couldn't sleep. The howls of the animals in the distance always bothered her, not to mention, thoughts of John often kept her up and caused her sleep to be restless.
"Eleanor," Jamie unraveled another blanket, putting it over her. "Can ye not sleep?" he asked, sitting next to her.
She sat up, "No."
A howl pierced the air.
Jamie reached out to squeeze her shoulder and then reached to pull the extra blanket up around her shoulders when he noticed she was shivering. "They are far away. Ye are safe."
She nodded, "It's not just the animals that keeps me up."
"I ken," Jamie said, quietly. "Hugh is sleepin through til morn, no?"
"Yes."
Jamie reached in his pocket and pulled out a flask, "Drink. It will warm and calm ye."
She sputtered down a few swallows of whisky, it burning down her throat, "I doubt I will ever be a proper scot."
He chuckled, "No, but tis amusin to see ye try."
She gave him a small smile at his good natured barb. "Do you think Hugh is warm enough?"
Jamie reached out to feel him. "He is a bit cold. Go sleep in the bed of the wagon with our bairns. I will stay with Hugh. My heat is stronger than yours. He'll be warmer with me."
"Are you sure you don't mind?" Eleanor asked.
"I would say ye could stay, but I dinnae think it would be proper considerin."
"No," Eleanor looked reluctant to leave the baby, even a few steps away.
"I dinnae mind, leannan. The bairn is my godson, is he no? He is no trouble."
She nodded, "Very well."
"And tomorrow, I ken of an abandoned cabin we can stay...it will be easier on the children."
"Okay," Eleanor let out her breath.
"Goodnight then, lass."
"Night, James." She went to climb into the wagon, but not before looking back to see Jamie lie down in her spot and pull Hugh close to him. It was a sight that she had seen before- Jamie cuddling one of their babes in the night...but the moment still struck her...because Hugh wasn't his. And yet, it was clear Jamie was accepting of the babe...as a member of his family. And she knew no matter what...that Hugh would be okay...with his brothers and sisters, his godfather Ian...and with Jamie. There would be plenty of love for him, in the Fraser clan...And even though the ache in her heart reached deep, but for a moment, she was comforted under that knowledge that at least there was hope for her precious son with John.
"Sam," Eleanor drew out a long breath, "I know you want to play, and I have let you and Mac run around today and these past few weeks, but you promised you would try the reading activities I made for you." She said, as Hugh nestled at her breast, feeding. "It's time to learn. We can't keep delaying it."
"I dinnae want to!" Sam kicked the table, "We are at the Ridge. We dinnae have to do stupid lessons."
"Yes, you do. We aren't visiting the Ridge, we are living here," Eleanor reasoned. "I'm trying to teach you how to read. All of this helps you learn how to read and I know how much you like books."
"I dinnae want to read!" Sam whined, kicking the table harder, shifting it.
"Sam, stop it," Mac grunted, "Ye are messin my writin up. I smeared the numbers."
"It's okay, Mac," Eleanor put a quick hand on Mac's back, "Just cross out and write beneath it."
She turned her head back towards her disgruntled son, "You loved it when Papa read to you," she said.
"Papa isna here!" Sam grunted, his eyes lit with anger, "He died. And I don't wanna learn how to read. I dinnae need to. I'll be a solider like Da and ye canna stop me."
"Samuel John Fraser!" Eleanor admonished, loudly. "Da is very educated...and you will be too...if it kills us both!"
Rosie came in, screaming, "Hope stole my dollie."
"I playin with yer dollie! Rosie no share! Rosie mean!" Hope ran behind her, stomping her feet.
"I arena learnin any stupid lessons," Sam flicked the cards off the table, "And ye canna make me!"
"Samuel!" Eleanor scolded, shocked at is outburst. "You will clean that up."
"Ye canna make me," Sam muttered.
"Now, Samuel!" Eleanor's voice rose. "Every last card or I swear you will be in your room for the rest of the night." She turned to the girls, "Now girls..."
"Hope is lying! I wasna being mean!" Rosie said.
"Yes, ye were," Hope pinched Rosie and both the girls started screaming.
"I hate ye, mama!" Sam yelled as he began to throw the cards more earnestly.
"That's enough!" Eleanor rose, "Everyone just stop fussing!" she yelled.
Hugh began to wail as he shifted off her breast.
"Mama, what is burning?" Mac asked, wide eyed.
"Oh, crap!" Eleanor shoved Hugh at Mac. "Hold your brother."
There was more fighting and screaming as Eleanor rushed to the kitchen, "Damn it." The stew at overflowed, burnt bubbles crusted to the side.
"Eleanor," Jamie came in, "Take it off. No, use the towels. Fer Christ's sake, just let me do it," He pushed her aside, took the stew off and then reached for a spoon. "Where is Marsali?"
"I sent her home. She has her own family to look after and i thought I could handle it."
Jamie gave her a look, "There is alot of screamin happenin in the other room and we are lucky ye dinnae burn the whole house down. I spent months buildin this house with my own two hands and ye no a month and ye almost started a fire because yer pride got the best of ye!"
Eleanor glared at him, her lip trembling. "I'm trying to raise our children, Jamie...it isn't easy, especially with a baby still at my breast and Sam who fights everything I say these days and Hope who fights with Rosie almost every hour of the day. It's a bloody circus in here, Jamie. Sam said he hates me and refuses to do his lesson- he threw the cards I made. And Hope is pinching again. Everything is going to hell and a handbasket and I can't do anything to stop it!" The tears overflowed before Eleanor could stop them and she swatted them, frantically, "Damn it. I'm losing my mind."
Jamie stared at her for a moment, his look softening, "Sam and Hope feel John's death more keenly, John was Sam's godfather and Hope was raised by him as a father since she was a bairn at yer breast...of course, it is difficult fer them and they are actin out because of it. Not like it is an excuse...simply a reminder to both of us that they may require a wee bit of extra patience," Jamie took a deep breath, letting it out, looking around, "Where is Susanna?"
"Hanging the laundry."
"Now," He used the spoon to stir the goop that used to be stew. "I dinnae think this can be salvaged. Pancakes tonight, lassie, I supposin?"
"Yes," Eleanor sighed, "I'm so sorry. I know it wastes food and winter is coming and..." She rubbed her nose with the back of her hand, "The kids are still screaming."
"Aye," Jamie raised an eyebrow, "They'll work it out soon enough. We are busy."
"If they don't kill each other first," Eleanor began to get down the ingredients for pancakes, "What am I goin to do?"
"Maybe ye are tryin too hard," Jamie interrupted, quietly. "A few weeks without lessons willna hurt the bairns. They can help with the harvest. It will allow ye more time to get yer bearins"
"That's not okay!" Eleanor froze, shocked, and then threw down the bag of flour, in frustration, it spattering, "Sam needs to learn to read. They don't have a tutor anymore...and there is no school. I am more than capable of teaching our children."
"Aye, but runnin the household too?"
"Other women do it." Eleanor began to sop up some of the mess she made.
"Aye, but..." Jamie stopped, clamping his mouth shut.
She looked over at him, her glare deepening, "Yes?"
The sounds of the kids screaming at each other dissipated and Eleanor assumed that Ian or Susanna probably came in to intervene.
"You don't think I can without totally losing my shit."
"Language," Jamie glared back, "and lower yer voice. Do ye want our wee uns learnin to curse like sailors...from their mama of all people? God help us, Lord John would have a conniption if he was here."
"I can't even with you...John would understand that I didn't want to be here! You forced me here."
"Are we back to that again?" Jamie asked, exasperated.
"Yes! We are!" Eleanor's voice raised, "Why?"
"Because ye belong here!" Jamie practically thundered at her, his temper finally snapping. "With me!"
"No, I clearly don't belong here," Eleanor yelled back. "I nearly burnt down the house that you made with your own two hands...if that is any indication."
"I was angry when I said that. And ye would have been too, ye wee besom!"
"Don't call me that when you are mad...it isn't nice. And I'm not difficult...at least all that much."
"Aye, ye are," Jamie countered, "Where do ye think our bloblains get it from?"
"Me? you think they get it from me? Me?" Eleanor exclaimed, "Really, James Fraser?"
"Weel, I see some things willna ever change," A familiar voice drawled with clear amusement from the entrance way of the kitchen.
Eleanor's eyes widened and Jamie turned towards the doorway, his mouth dropping in shock. "Janet?"
Jenny stood, surveying the scene...the smoke that filled up the room, the overflowing mess in a heap on the table and Eleanor and Jamie, who were clearly in the middle of a passionate disagreement. Hugh was on her hip and her hand held Hope's, who was sucking her thumb, wide eyed, her curls tossed, her ribbon lopsided and falling out of her hair. Ian was behind his mama, holding Rosie, a wide grin on his face, his eyes bright.
Eleanor gasped, her hand over her mouth. "The stew or Jamie and I fighting?" she giggled.
"Both, I think," Jenny said, her smile wide as Jamie crossed the room swiftly and engulfed her in his arms, careful of the babe.
"Da, Da!" The boys rushed in, "Aunt Jenny is here."
They heard stories about their beloved Aunt Jenny and Mama would read Aunt Jenny's letters to them. They didn't remember her from Lallybroch, them being so young when they left, but they knew she was very special to their Da and Mama and Ian...so they loved her all the same.
Jamie pulled away, tears in his eyes, "Aye. Thank ye lads. I can see that."
He stepped aside and turned to Eleanor, meeting her eyes. Eleanor's heart twisted as she took a few steps forward and approached her former sister in law.
"I missed ye, sister," Jenny said, quietly.
Eleanor's heart overflowed with joy, "I can't tell you how glad I am to see you." She began to weep, her emotions raw from her fight with Jamie and feeling so completely overwhelmed and missing John every second of the day...and now here was the woman who was as close to her as a sister, when she so desperately needed a friend, "I never expected...but I hoped I would see you again...I'm sorry that this is what you were greeted to...you must think you have entered a madhouse. We aren't usually this loud and chaotic, it's just..." she paused.
"Yer hearts are broken. Ian told me why ye are here. Ach," Jenny dropped Hope's hand and handed Hugh to Jamie, putting her arms around, Eleanor, who was trembling. "Dinnae fash aboot it. Messes can be cleaned up. Bairns can be soothed. Fights can be broken up. Wayward bairns can be set to right. All will be weel, sister. Ye shall see."
And it was as if suddenly, things came into perspective because despite her heart which was broken and that of her kids, Eleanor believed Jenny's words to be true. And that gave her hope.
Jamie looked between Eleanor and his sister and glanced at Ian, who smiled, tears in both of their eyes to watch Jenny comforting Ellie. They knew Jenny being here was what they all needed.