A/N: Thank you all for your thoughtful reviews- I love hearing all your thoughts! Alot of varied opinions and ideas... :) Hope everyone is keeping well and safe!
Chapter 47:
Eleanor came back into the room after putting a sleeping Hugh into his crib in the girls' room.
"Jenny," Eleanor sat down on a chair across from Jenny and Jamie, who were perched on the sofa together, talking in low tones. "I changed the sheets in the room I have been using and moved most of my things to the girls' room."
Jenny frowned, "That isna necessary. I can sleep down here in the space off of the kitchen."
"The room is bigger. Honestly, I just use the room to change."
"Wait a moment," Jamie leaned forward and frowned, "Where do ye sleep then?"
"With one of the children...I kind of rotate so they won't notice," Eleanor said, her face flushing. "Is that problem with you, James?"
"Weel, no," Jamie looked perturbed, "Fer how long have ye been doin that?"
"Why does it matter?" Eleanor shot back.
Jenny looked between them, trying to ascertain the situation and then easily reading it, "I suspect it has been since her husband died, brother. When Ian passed, tis the un thing I hate the most. But I also suspect she dinnae wish to have ye dwell on it. I am sure ye ken how it feels with Claire passin as weel."
Eleanor's eyes flooded with tears. Jenny had revealed soon after arriving that Ian had passed earlier that year. Jenny had come to tell them in person, but also Eleanor suspected, that she needed her brother and her son. She was shocked to learn that Claire was gone many months before, though Jamie was careful like so many years ago to use the word gone and not dead.
Jamie reached for his sister's hand, kissing it affectionately and then holding it tight.
"Um, yes," Eleanor said, standing, "Anyway, I will leave you two alone. I know you have so much to catch up on."
"Ye dinnae have to leave, Ellie," Jamie looked over at her, surprised.
"I promised the boys a story," Eleanor said, "Mac at least. Sam is still put out at the moment."
"I am goin to give him time to stew and then talk to him in the morn."
She nodded, "Fine with me."
"Ye and I should probably have a discussion as weel," Jamie said, evenly.
"It doesn't matter," Eleanor turned to Jenny, "If you need anything, please let me know."
"Aye, Ellie," Jenny said, watching her carefully. "Good night, sister."
"Goodnight," Eleanor left the room, quickly.
Jenny turned to Jamie and raised an eyebrow, "Dinnae ye and Ellie make yer peace a while back?"
"Aye," Jamie cleared his throat, "She is angry I forced her to come to the Ridge..." he paused, "that and other things."
"I see," Jenny nodded, "Tis her grief. We both ken how that feels."
"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, "I am not angry with her aboot it."
Jenny smiled and then squeezed his hand, "Tell me aboot yer bairns. I want to ken everythin aboot them."
"I suspect ye will learn soon enough."
"Still..." Jenny said, "Let me see if I ken. Mac is the responsible un. Kind, canny, dinnae give ye much trouble. Wee Rosie as weel...has Eleanor's sweet spirit, but maybe a bit prone to get her feelings hurt..."
"Not unlike her mama either," Jamie pointed out and Jenny continued with a laugh,
"but besides that, she is no trouble at all fer ye...and has yer heart in her hands fer certain."
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "I make no qualms aboot it."
"Of course, fer she is the one most like Eleanor, which causes yer heart to twist even more..." Jenny said.
"Hum," Jamie grunted, but didn't disagree.
"Now, wee Samuel and Hope..." Jenny gave him a wide grin, "now, those are wee bhobains if I've ever seen un."
Jamie laughed heartedly, "Aye, tis the way of it. And they seem to enjoy givin their mama the hardest time of all of us."
"Aye, Eleanor is more prone to understanding than discipline, is she no?"
"Aye, verra much so," Jamie said, laughing.
"Weel, Young Ian used to be over the fence post more times than naught as a wee boy. His father and I had a hard time quenching his will, but do ye remember what helped?" Jenny asked. She paused, "Eleanor comin...they held a special bond and she gave him a love of learnin to temper some of his adventurous spirit. He responded to her in a different way than his father or myself."
"He has grown into a fine man, Jenny. A man of rare kindness, compassion with a keen sense of justice and honor."
"Aye," Jenny nodded, "But his eyes...there is heartache in them. Did he no tell ye why?"
Jamie shook his head, "Eleanor neither, but he has been with her a Josiah's Mount more than at the Ridge. He stayed with Eleanor when she was expectin the bairn and was so ill, ye ken. Said he couldna leave his cousins and Auntie when there was such as a need. I ken it gave Ellie comfort him bein there."
"Aye, I can see what gut man he has become," Jenny nodded, her eyes shining. She fell silent before offering, "I am sorrit to hear aboot Claire. I ken what a trial that must have been."
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "But we are all farin the best we can. The wee uns are a verra gut distraction fer us."
"How is this arrangement workin between ye and Eleanor? Raisin the wee uns here at the Ridge?"
"Findin our way parentin these wee uns has always been difficult, though in the past, Lord John especially seemed to ken what to say to both of us to help us compromise in an agreeable manner."
"She really did love him," Jenny commented.
"Lord John was always verra suited fer Eleanor...kind and steady, canny and willin to see Eleanor fer her worth and value to their marriage. He was verra gut fer her...and to her."
"Ye were as weel, Jamie," Jenny said, evenly, "There is still plenty of love between ye and her underneath the fortress ye both of put around yerselves."
"Aye, I willna deny it, but fer the moment, I am content," Jamie said, "I have had more months to mourn Claire's departure and Eleanor's grief so raw. To be honest, I am just tryin to dodge her moods which have been fearsome of late."
Jenny raised her eyebrows, "Then, seems like it is a verra gut time fer me to visit...if only to try to maintain peace betwixt ye and Eleanor."
"Aye, I dinnae deny it," Jamie said, "She loves ye, Janet. And she needs ye verra much."
Jenny patted his hand, "She needs ye as weel, brother, even if she is too proud to admit such a thing."
And Jamie couldn't deny that was true. Eleanor did need him, to be kind and steady as she worked through her grief. And he was determined to be that for her...no matter how she pushed him to be otherwise.
Jenny's presence was welcome to all. The children took to her and Jenny helped Eleanor manage Fraser's Ridge, advising her on how to best prepare for winter...and how to use the other ladies of the Ridge to help with the various tasks. The ladies were naturally drawn to Jenny, her being Scottish and a Fraser and more outgoing than Eleanor, who fell into her household managing of the Ridge simply by her role of being the mother of Jamie's children...the latter which always seemed to cause a bit of suspicion since she and Jamie were not married and there were not one, but four bairns between them, which was unheard of! And then there was the matter of her being the wife of an English Lord, which didn't exactly recommend herself to them. They were used to her visits, but Eleanor often had kept to herself in those visits...or to her close knit family- Marsali, Bree, Claire- women she was comfortable being around.
"Ye canna do the necessary tasks to prepare fer winter, without involving the other ladies of the Ridge," Jenny told her, matter of factually, Marsali listening in.
"I'm not excluding them...I'm simply saying..." Eleanor let out a long breath, "I told Jamie I would help run his household because I am the mother of his children...and part of running the household is caring for my children, but...I cannot be Claire and be some...fake mistress of Fraser's Ridge. It's a ridiculous ask of me."
She glanced at Marsali who alternated feeding mash between Hugh and her youngest bairn.
"No un expects ye to be Claire," Jenny said, her voice firm, "but ye do have duties to the Ridge as the mother of Jamie's bairns...who else is goin to do them but ye?"
She groaned, "They don't like me, Jenny."
"Aye, I suspect ye are still a bit of a Sassenach to them and then marrit to an English Laird willna have caused goodwill towards ye. Still, ye ken when people get to ken ye, they love ye, Eleanor."
Eleanor flipped her ponytail, "The children keep me so busy. They have school and..."
Jenny looked at her again, "Yer wee uns need to be fed fer winter."
"I know," Eleanor let out a long breath, "I know you are right...I just..."
Jenny reached out and patted her hand, "I am here to help ye with it, Eleanor. Dinnae fash. And ye might find yerself havin a gut time like ye did when ye were with the ladies of Lallybroch. I'm sure it isna as bad as ye think. They probably like ye just fine."
Eleanor gave Marsali a weary look, which she returned with a smile.
So, Eleanor, Marsali and Jenny, along with the other woman, went along with the business of the Ridge, preparing fer winter, filling their days. The wee lasses helped them with various tasks, Susanna took Hugh and Sam and Mac had run of the land.
But when after supper, Eleanor pulled out the lessons to the groans of her children, and the surprise of them all.
Jamie, torn between wanting to be supportive of Eleanor, who was doing alot to run his household and manage his children while grieving John's loss, and the practical objections of his exhausted children, knew he had to be careful of how he approached this. After supper was always a difficult time before bed and adding lessons to it, just seemed like a venture doomed to failure.
"We cannot lose months of learning," Eleanor said, "I will not have it, Jamie."
"A few weeks willna hurt the bairns," Jamie said, "Ye are weary. The wee uns are weary. It is a recipe for alot of trouble and a lot of hollerin."
"At this moment, the only person I wish to yell at is you," Eleanor said, reaching for the plates. "After I take care of the dishes, the children will sit down with me and do a few things."
"Here, I'll help ye," Jenny said, exchanging a look with her brother before heading out with a stack of plates.
"After, we will do some reading and arithmetic. They will be learning, Jamie. All of them. Even Hugh needs some stimulation as a baby. Playing with blocks or shapes..."
Jamie let out a long breath, "Ellie, I can understand why ye wish to...and once the harvest is over and we are in fer the winter, there will be plenty of times for lessons. It will be better fer all especially ye...not to try to take on too much."
"I can do this!" Eleanor retorted.
"Aye, I dinnae say ye couldna. I just think ye shouldna," Jamie responded, his tone even. "The children are the worst behaved after supper and tis better to make the time more enjoyable fer us all...after a hard day of work."
"Education is important."
"I dinnae disagree with ye...so we will read to them and teach them games- Mac can learn chess. I will teach him that- it should work his canny mind quite weel. But as fer lessons...when would ye have the time to create them?"
"I will manage."
"No, ye willna," Jamie said, "Tis not goin to happen, Eleanor, the way ye want it to...and ye are practical enough to ken that my objections are valid. Winter is comin...and I will personally help ye with some of it if ye'd like."
Eleanor began to pick up the cups, "I got to help Jenny with the dishes...you know...all the tasks I'm supposed to do as an inferior woman to his great lairdship."
Jamie chuckled, "Ye are just pokin now. Ian and I will take care of the wee uns in the sittin room while ye do. By the fire...spendin time as a family like we should."
He reached to pick up Hugh, who was banging to get down, "Come on, wee un."
Eleanor watched Jamie with Hugh, her heart twisting, "I can wrap him against me while I do dishes."
"Aye, ye could, but I dinnae think he would like it at the moment," Jamie said, "Dinnae fash. He is weel with me. I am his godfather, am I no?"
"Very well," Eleanor nodded and then went to help Jenny, knowing she was defeated.
Eleanor's frustration with Jamie only grew as the days passed. She often questioned his judgement, even in front of others and their children. Her tone was often sarcastic, using her wit to her advantage, but not in a kind way. Jamie bore it even though Jenny, who was witness to much of it, could tell his patience was wearing thin. But when Jamie refused to take her bait, then she took great pains to avoid him or any sort of conversation. If he sat down near her, she rose to go to one of the children. She was completely quiet around suppers, even when Marsali and Fergus were there. It seemed like her angry and despair was drowning her...including her common sense, not to poke Jamie just for the sadistic pleasure of getting a rise out of him.
It was finally one night, two weeks later, that Jenny decided an intervention of sorts was needed.
Jenny poured a cup of tea, "Are the wee uns asleep?"
"Yes, finally," Eleanor said, "Hugh needed extra snuggles tonight though and Sam kept insisting on more pages read. Is Jamie still outside?"
"Aye, the mare is definitely foalin," Jenny said, "I thought maybe ye could take my brother some coffee."
Eleanor frowned and shifted uncomfortably, "I shouldn't leave the children. Maybe Ian can?"
"No, Ian went down to visit Fergus and I can listen out for the wee uns," Jenny said, eying her knowingly. "Why dinnae ye sit a spell and we can chat like old times?" She slid a steaming tea cup across the table. "Jamie can wait on the coffee. He will be there fer a while."
"Very well, then," Eleanor sat down across from Jenny, "You look serious."
"Aye, sister," Jenny frowned.
Eleanor chewed on her lip, her stomach sinking, "Is something wrong?"
"Aye," Jenny nodded, "Ye ken, I love ye...as my sister and I always will...no matter if ye are marrit or no to my brother, but..." she paused, "Ye always depended upon me to speak the truth to ye as a friend, and a sister..."
"Of course," Eleanor said, softly, "What is on your mind?"
"This...between ye and my brother...tis not gut fer the wee uns to see ye so..." she paused, "unkind to him."
Eleanor's stomach sunk, but didn't deny it.
Jenny took a sip, "Now, I ken ye and my brother...ye like to give each other grief now and again, but before the intention was always gut...playful. Tis similar to the way Jamie and I are...But I canna say that tis true now...ye are bitter and resentful towards him...and a man can only abide by so much in his own home, from a woman who is not his wife. Do ye ken what I mean?"
"Jenny," Eleanor let out a long breath, "I don't know what to say."
"Tis not yer way, Eleanor," Jenny said, quietly, "Ye are the kindest person I ken...and Jamie just wants yer heart to heal. He dinnae ken what to do to help ye...so he takes it, more than he would from any other woman, Claire included...but I ken my brother and he can only be pushed so much, so ye will come to regret it one day...I wish fer that day not to come."
Eleanor chewed on her lip, quiet, contemplative, "I don't want to be here."
"Aye, I dinnae want my husband to die either and fer me to be here as weel, but here we both are. And ye canna blame Jamie fer livin."
"I would never want Jamie to be the one to die," Eleanor said, adamantly.
"Aye, I ken, ye wouldna...but the way ye are behavin... ye are actin like ye do."
She paused, feel chastised, "You are very blunt, you know. I love it when it's directed at Jamie, but not so much on the receiving end..."
Jenny reached over to cover her hand, "I do love ye, Ellie. Please ken that. I dinnae want ye hurt more than ye are...but ye are heapin more hurt on Jamie, who lost his wife and his friend. Tis not right what ye are doin."
"I just want him...not to...care any more," Eleanor said, softly. "I need him not to care."
"If he was goin to stop carin aboot ye, it would have been long ago...when Claire first came back," Jenny said. "Ye told me how rattled he was when ye were dyin. Ye canna ask him to stop carin fer ye. But I dinnae blame ye, if bein here, reminds ye...of the what seems inevitable...ye and Jamie and if that fact makes ye skittish."
"I can't be with Jamie again," Eleanor said, softly, "You have to understand..." she paused, "I can't ever be with another man again."
"Aye, I wouldna want to be with any un but my Ian," Jenny said, patting her hand, "but I have only ever known Ian and that isna the case fer ye. Ye and Jamie once shared somethin special as weel...the four bairns lyin upstairs speak to that..."
"It's just better for us all...if that door closes for good," Eleanor said.
"Better or easier?" Jenny asked, bluntly, "I ken how ye feel and why ye feel so and because of it ye are pushin hard against him, but do ye really want not even to have my brother's friendship? Yer bitterness will destroy the peace in yer home...is it worth it to spare yer heart? And more...is it what Lord John would want?"
"John wouldn't want that," Eleanor said, quietly. "He would be disappointed with me. He lived by kindness and respect towards others and expected me to do the same." She groaned, "I just don't know what I am doing here."
"Ye are raising yer bairns with their father, that is what ye are doin here," Jenny said, "Tis no shame or guilt in that," she finished her tea, putting it down carefully, before looking Eleanor in the eyes, "The way I see it, is that ye can either show yer wee uns the care, respect, and affection that ye have fer their father even if that potentially leads to openin the door to somethin...to give them a peaceful household to live in or ye can continue to sow discord in yer family. But I ken ye ken all of this yerself."
Eleanor sighed, "I do."
"Verra gut," Jenny said, "Now do ye mind takin my brother out some coffee?"
Eleanor forced a smile, though her heart was in the pit of her stomach, "Of course."
"I thought you might want some coffee," Eleanor handed Jamie, a steaming mug.
"Aye, tis welcome indeed," Jamie smiled at her, taking the mug gratefully, "are our bairns asleep?"
She nodded, wrapping her wrap tightly around her, "How much longer?" she asked.
"Usually only a few hours," Jamie said, as he watched Eleanor study the mare rolling around in the hay, her eyes curious.
"Why do you think she does that?" Eleanor asked.
"Claire used to say it helped get the foal into position for birthin."
"Really?" Eleanor's eyebrows shot up, "I couldn't barely get out of bed, much less roll around."
Jamie laughed, appreciatively, "Tis all a wonder, is it no?"
"If you say so," Eleanor grimaced.
"Dinnae ye think so?" he asked. "A new life comin into the world..."
"Honestly, both Hope and Hugh's births were so traumatizing...it is hard to see the wonder in it. I do not understand why you are taking such a chance to dip your hand in breeding."
"Some risks are worth the rewards," Jamie patted the spot next to him, perched on crates covered with a blanket, "i wouldna mind the company if ye arena too tired."
"No, I have to confess I am not tired in the least," Eleanor said, but hesitated to move towards him.
"Then come sit with me," Jamie said, giving her an encouraging grin, "It will be a lonely night if ye dinnae."
"Okay, very well," Eleanor came and sat next to him.
They sat in silence for a few minutes before Ellie said, "We have been so busy with the harvest and Jenny's arrival and the little ones, it is nice to just breathe."
"Aye," Jamie took a sip of his coffee, "I ken what ye mean. Tis a lively life, is it no?"
"Very much so," Eleanor agreed, "And an exhausting one with five children."
Jamie turned to study her, "How are ye doin, lass?"
Eleanor stiffened, "We are doing well. I'm glad Jenny is here."
"Aye, my sister's arrival was welcome to be sure," Jamie said, easily, "But I asked how ye are doin specifically. We have hardly had two minutes alone and I canna help but think that ye are avoidin me."
"I just brought you coffee, that's not avoidance," Eleanor offered.
Jamie snorted, "This is my sister's coffee, lass. Dinnae ye think I can tell the difference between yers and hers?"
"My coffee isn't bad." Eleanor gave him a mocked put out look.
"No," Jamie laughed, "Tis not. Weaker than Jenny's though. Was it Jenny's idea to come out to check on me?"
Eleanor let out a long breath, "Yes, you caught me. But I still did come."
"Aye, that is true," Jamie nodded, "And I'm glad fer it. But I still wish to ken how ye are, Eleanor."
Eleanor's heart twisted but then she remembered her conversation with Jenny. She forced herself to meet his eyes, "I miss John. So very much."
"I ken ye do," Jamie's voice was full of compassion. "The nights are hard fer ye, are they no?"
She nodded, her lip trembling, "They are. He was always just such good company...and such a steady influence for me and the children. I sought him out so often...when I was weary or frustrated or annoyed and he would just bolster me and help me put things in perspective. And it just feels like things are spiraling in my head and in my heart. And I'm trying to just push all of it down and keep soldiering on...but the more I push it down, the more the pressure to do so builds...and I feel like it is going to burst...like I'm going to burst."
Jamie reached over to put a hand on her arm, "Ye must face yer grief, mo ghraidh. Ye are hidin yerself in the children, in the business of life on the Ridge. But ye are not settlin. Ye are restless and weary."
"And short tempered and surly?" Eleanor's voice cracked as she forced a smile, though tears began to fall.
Jamie looked down at his coffee, "Aye, that too." He glanced over at her, "I dinnae want to say."
"I'm sorry if I have been not so nice to you," she sniffed hard. "Your sister lectured me on it tonight and she was right."
"Janet shouldna have done so," Jamie said, his voice gentle. "Tis not her place to interfere in matters best left between ye and I."
"She wasn't unkind," Eleanor said. "Just told me that ye would only take so much pushing from me and that I needed to think if I truly didn't want your friendship...a man can only take so much in his own house...in front of his children."
Jamie winced, "I wish she woulda kept her opinions to herself."
"She is my friend, Jamie. I wouldn't expect her to. She isn't wrong. I have been a bitch to you."
"Ach," Jamie grunted in disapproval as his eyes widened, "dinnae ye call yerself that!"
"Isn't it true though?" Eleanor asked, wiping her eyes.
"Aye, maybe a wee bit, but..." Jamie stopped and then scowled, "I dinnae like those words, especially aboot ye, lass. Ye can be a wee besom at times, but I also ken yer heart...I dinnae ever wish fer ye to degrade yerself fer if ye have been frustratin towards me, I ken the reasons why...and it isna from a place of malice at all. Am I wrong?"
"No, you aren't wrong. Still, I'm grateful for you only poking back a bit," Eleanor said, "you have been very tolerant of my moods. And I appreciate it, especially as I know it has taken quite a bit of restraint on your part."
"Truth be told...ye would have my friendship no matter how ye act," Jamie said, "I care fer ye, Eleanor. And I canna put conditions upon that care...not when ye and I have shared what we have. I told ye at Josiah's Mount that if ye need to lash out anyone, I will gladly bear it...fer I ken how much ye are hurtin and yer fierce desire to hold sacred what ye and John shared."
"I know. And deep down, I am grateful. I needed to hear it from her...the reminder that you and I...we just want what is best for each other. And it's okay to lean towards you into peace and harmony then create chaos and discord because I'm bitter because John is gone and afraid of my future."
"Are ye afraid of yer future?"
She nodded, her eyes straight ahead. "I don't understand what I am doing here."
"I dinnae think I ken fully either..." Jamie admitted, "I just ken ye need to be here with the wee uns...so ye are. I willna put expectations on ye, Ellie, not now nor in the future, if that is what ye are worrit aboot."
"I know..." she fell quiet and then sighed.
"And if I am not, then ye shouldna either," Jamie said, quietly.
"The truth is...I'm completely done being someone's wife or lover. I don't ever want that ever again. The thought of it makes me so angry and sick to my stomach...it is why I've been...well, you know. I figured if I slammed the door hard enough, you couldn't eventually pry it back open...or wouldn't ever want to."
"Ah, I see what ye mean," Jamie let out a long breath, "I felt the same way when Claire went through the stones carryin our wee bairn. And I meant it...fer years. And then ye came along and changed everythin fer me. Ye were worth takin a chance to love again...even if I ken that love might end one day. But it took me years to get to that point, so ye bein here...at the Ridge...and us raisin our family together is enough, Eleanor. Ye can cease proddin me so hard to stop lovin ye. Ye can go back to being my wee besom without bein so..." he paused, "Weel, ye ken."
"Yes, I ken," She laughed through her tears, "Glad we cleared this up."
"Aye," Jamie said, smiling at her. They held each other's look for a moment before being interrupted by the mare grunting.
Eleanor grimaced at the sound, "Poor girl."
Jamie put aside his mug and stood, approaching the mare, cautiously as to not spook her. He stooped down to see if he could ascertain if it was time when the mare jolted away from him. "Ah," Jamie's voice was soothing, switching to a string of Gaelic. He stepped forward again, but the horse jolted again. He looked back at Eleanor, who raised an eyebrow.
"I can't say I blame her," she said, her head titled.
"Aye, ye dinnae want me anywhere near yer nether parts either when ye were laboring," Jamie said, dryly.
"Didn't you tell me they usually give birth on their side?" Eleanor ignored his comment, but still fought a blush at Jamie's bluntness, "It would be easier to see."
"Aye, but ye canna force them too. Tis rare to foal standing, but I canna force her down if she decides she is goin to birth this way."
"So, what will you do?" Eleanor asked.
"Weel," Jamie gave her a lopsided grin, "I may require yer help, Lady John."
Eleanor looked at him, skeptically, "What do you need from me?"
"See if ye can approach and take a wee peek," Jamie said, "I can try to hold her. If ye can gather yer courage, ye can try to feel to make sure ye can feel the foal's legs and face. I ken it will be messy," he said, apologetically.
"Well," Eleanor bit her lip, but rose immediately, "I am a mother, so at least, I am well acquainted with bodily fluid." She said, wryly. She quickly twisted her braid up, pinning it place. She slid her sapphire ring off, handing it to Jamie to slide into his pocket. She carefully approached the mare, her step light and cautious. She reached a tentative out to gently stroke her, talking to her softly,
"Believe me, I know what a pain this is," she murmured, her voice soothing. "I hated giving birth. Such a horrible, awful process."
Jamie cleared his throat and looked at her pointedly.
"Well, I just thought I should be honest," Eleanor shrugged.
"Aye," his eyebrows raised.
Eleanor turned her attention back to the mare, her voice soothing, "We want to help you make things easier, okay?"
Jamie looked over at Eleanor, his mouth curled into a small smile at the sight of Eleanor, who made no qualms about how much she still hated the outdoors and the day to day life of caring for animals on a farm, steeling herself to do what needed to be done, a bonny flush to her features. It was that grit, he had come to know of her, underneath the wit and grace she carried herself with...the latter which was fully evident as John's wife. But the former...this Eleanor...this was the one he came to know as his wife...the one who pushed her boundaries to learn a life she never wanted...putting herself out of her comfort day after day to thrive in the life she was required to live. It had come naturally to Claire, but not to Eleanor...though seeing Ellie take those leaps, it made his love for her all the greater.
She steeled herself, glancing at Jamie one more time. He nodded, "Ye can do this, mo ghraidh."
She reached, "Yep," she laughed, "okay then. i feel a nose and some legs."
"Verra gut," Jamie murmured, "Take a gentle swipe at the nose to clear out any fluid."
"Okay," Eleanor did as he bid, "Now what?"
"Grip the legs and begin to gently pull...one at a time. Ye can add traction to help the process along."
"I'm not that strong," Eleanor fretted, but moved her hand.
"Ye are strong enough," Jamie's voice was low.
Eleanor did as he bid, the mare laboring and pushing until the foal was completely born...Eleanor managed to catch the foal in her arms...it against her, staining her dress with muck and fluids. But the moment Eleanor looked down, her heart was stirred at the new life in her arms.
"Hello there," she whispered, "you are going to be a beauty."
She gently put it down and allowed it to find his mother.
Jamie patted the mare, talking to it gently as Eleanor collapsed on the hay, watching the foal feed. Her face was now fully flushed, but her eyes were bright.
"How are ye doin, mo ghraidh?" Jamie asked, dangling a cloth in front of her, which she gripped to rub the mess of her hand. Then, he sat next to her, keeping watch with her.
"There is a beauty to it...in spite of all the smelly mess and pain and worry."
"Aye," Jamie said, "And tis why I as ye so eloquently said, decide to dip my hand in breeding."
Eleanor down at her dress and looked over at Jamie, "I'm a mess."
"Aye, ye are," Jamie grinned at her. "I owe ye a dress, lass."
"No matter," Eleanor said, "God, what would John say if he could see me now?" she laughed.
"Weel," Jamie's voice grew low, "I think he would be proud of ye fer doin something that was out of yer comfort. He always said ye had a strength we denied ye of...was quite insistent upon it. Ye could do whatever ye set yer mind to...and if I ever underestimated ye, Lord John was the verra first to set me right in regards to ye."
Tears filled her eyes again, "He was so good to me...generous with me...especially my faults and failings."
"Aye, he was a verra gut friend to us all," Jamie rose and then offered his hand, "I'll heat ye up water fer a bath. We canna have ye smellin like the barn. I think he would have drawn the line at that."
She chuckled, taking his hand as he gently yanked her up. "Very much so."
He reached for the lantern, but Eleanor reached out and stopped him, her hand hovering over his arm.
"I am sorry for my behavior towards you, James."
Jamie met her eyes, "I ken ye are, Eleanor. And I forgive ye. I always have and always will- no matter how ye wrong me." He inclined his head, "Now come. Ye need a verra gut wash."
She smiled at him as he gently lead her with the lantern back to the house, chattering with each other, in easy companionship.
Eleanor groaned, turned, and covered her face with her arms.
"Come on, ye sleepy wee besom," Jamie coaxed her with another nudge. "Ye will wake up the wee lasses if ye dinnae come with me now."
Eleanor groaned again and managed to push herself up. "What time is it? It is still dark," she whispered.
"Shh," Jamie put a finger on his lip and gestured her to come with a tilt of his head.
Eleanor rolled out of bed, not so gracefully. She reached for her dressing gown at the end of the bed. She quickly put it on, tying it tightly as she stepped into the hall with him. Jamie closed the door behind them, the candle still in his hand.
"I put some of yer things in my room," Jamie said, "Get dressed. We are goin fer a walk."
"A walk?" Eleanor stared at him, dumbfounded. "I don't understand what is going on."
Jamie gave her a lopsided grin, "Do ye always have to ken everythin? What aboot being spontaneous? Where is yer spirit of adventure?"
"Spirit of adventure?" Eleanor's eyes grew wide, " You know I don't have one."
Jamie smirked at her, "Then perhaps it is time ye got un."
"If it hasn't happened in 40 odd years, what makes you think it will happen now?" Eleanor asked, aghast, a hand moving to her hip.
"Forty two years to be precise," Jamie said, "Tis yer birthday lass."
"Oh, God, do not remind me," Eleanor cringed, a hand on her forehead. "I told you..it's just an ordinary day! There will be no celebrating, no acknowledging it of any kind...I thought I was quite clear about it, James Fraser."
"I thought ye were foolin," Jamie said, frowning at her expression, "Since when do ye no like yer birthday?"
"Since I turned 40 and realized that I'm so damn old," Eleanor retorted, tangling her fingers in her hair, absently trying to brush through the knots.
"Now, mo ghraidh, ye almost dinnae reach this birthday this year," Jamie chided, "So I suspect we should make note of it...all the same."
"Noted, can I go back to bed? The sun isn't even up."
"So ye've said," Jamie fought a grin. The interplay between him and Eleanor when she was like this...so feisty and put out...he couldna deny, he loved it. "No, ye wee besom. Ye can get dressed and come with me."
"Jamie Fraser," Eleanor glared at him.
Jamie's look was resolute and then his expression softened, changing his strategy, "Please, lass? Would ye humor the father of yer four wee bairns fer a bit?"
"Oh, fine, but I need coffee," Eleanor huffed and followed Jamie downstairs.
"Already ready," Jamie said. "Now be a gut wee lass and go get yerself dressed. Coat and scarf...it's bitin this morn."
"Even more appealing...the two things I love the most, being woken up early and the cold," Ellie replied, sarcastically. "Happy birthday to me."
Jamie poked at her, "Go on with ye."
Eleanor went into his room, her things lying on the bed for her. She changed, braided her hair, tying it with a ribbon and went to retrieve her coat, knit scarf and hat.
Jamie handed her gloves and then a mug of coffee. "Drink first and then put on the gloves."
"What are we doing?" Eleanor asked.
"Goin fer a walk," Jamie answered, patiently.
"Is there any alcohol in this?" Eleanor asked.
Jamie threw back his head and laughed, "Do ye think ye need some, lassie?"
"Well, I don't know," Eleanor smiled in spite of herself, "you tell me."
"I think ye should be fine," Jamie said. He took her coffee mug and sat it on the table and then went to straighten her hat, folding the knit hat properly and fixing it from how she haphazardly pulled it on her head. "We canna have Lady John lookin as if she just rolled out of bed," he teased.
Eleanor rolled her eyes as she put on her gloves.
"Ready?" Jamie asked, reaching for the lantern.
She nodded and followed him outside, "Oh, it is frigid. Jenny is right..winter is going to be long." she said, forlorn.
Jamie glanced at her, "Christmas time with the wee uns is always a joy though. And then there is Hogmanay. And since Jenny is here and we are together as a family, perhaps we should celebrate with the wee uns. They dinnae remember the traditions of where they came from."
"Yes," Eleanor let out a long breath, the cloud of air, blowing from her in a puff. "Hogmanay was always very special at Lallybroch. Warm and inviting. It made winter seem so much more bearable...the cozy fires, the laughter, the dancing..." her voice trailed off, her eyes shining in memory, "It was special times. Mac and Sam so little, but still sensing what joy the season was...as a family."
"Aye," Jamie said, his voice low. "Twas indeed special times."
She swallowed hard, and even in the cold, a rosy twinge started appearing in her cheeks, "Anyway...as an American, I was partial to Christmas. And it's Hugh's first...but without John..." she shuddered. "We should talk about presents and such."
"Aye, we will," Jamie said, "dinnae fash. They will be taken care of..."
"I know that money..." Eleanor paused and then stared straight ahead, "John always took care of things and when we were together, Jamie, the little ones were so little, they didn't care about things."
"Perhaps they should care aboot things a wee less, aye?" Jamie titled his head.
She smiled at him, "Perhaps they are a bit spoiled. Perhaps I am too. I like my pretty dresses."
Jamie laughed, "Ye always said ye werena..." he paused, "what was it called?"
"Prissy..." Eleanor said, "Perhaps, I was born in the wrong time. I could leave the corsets...sometimes I long for a cozy sweater and a pair of pants, but the dresses... I feel like the lady John kept saying I was."
"Did ye no believe him?" Jamie smiled at her.
"I did," Eleanor rubbed her hands together, even with the gloves she was cold, "I just go through my life feeling like what happens to me is so surreal. The fact John and I became friends with the Washingtons...George Washington!"
Jamie laughed. "Did ye enjoy yer visit at Mt. Vernon?"
"Yes, I did," Eleanor nodded, "I thought it would be uncomfortable without John, but it wasn't. There is dissatisfaction brewing...the winds of change are coming."
Jamie glanced back at her, "We will face it when it comes, lass."
She nodded.
"Here we are," Jamie put the lantern down. "Have a seat with me."
Eleanor sat down with him on the log, "What are we doing?" she whispered.
"Waiting," Jamie whispered.
"For what?" Eleanor whispered back.
"Ye'll see," Jamie retorted, "Just wait, patiently if ye can manage."
She poked at him, but he swatted her hand back down, his reflexes quick.
"No talking, just enjoy," Jamie instructed. They sat side by side as the minutes stretched and the sun began to splash glorious colors over the horizon, the mountains and the valley the perfect backdrop to what was occurring.
"Jamie," Eleanor's voice caught in wonder. "I wish I had my camera to capture this."
"Capture it in your mind, mo ghraidh," Jamie said, his voice low.
"I never saw the sun rise...like this at least...when not obstructed by trees. I have always been with the children or asleep, never wanting to forgo my hold on the precious commodity of sleep...and yet, I never realized the joy to be had."
"Aye," Jamie's voice was low, as he watch her study the magnificent display- the joy evident on her face, "Ye may be two and forty years old, but there are plenty of wonders left in this life to explore...whether it is a foal to be born or a sun to rise. Ye canna give up on livin yer life when there is so much left to live and joy to be had. Take it from a man who kens weel...the cost of lost years. I wouldna ever wish that fer ye, Eleanor, because ye think yer grief makes ye weak."
Eleanor's heart moved, the tight grip she had on her grief and her feelings, slowly unraveling. She leaned over, her elbows on her knees, her gloved hands on her face. She struggled to keep her composure.
"Dinnae fight it, lass," Jamie put a soothing hand on her shoulder, "Just let yer feelings come. Ye said yer goin to burst if ye dinnae let go of the pressure ye feel to hold it in. But ye ken that ye dinnae have to be strong fer us...ye dinnae have to grieve in private, away from all to see. Tis not yer way...tis not in yer nature to be so closed off with yer feelings."
Eleanor began to sob, the sobs wracking her body, "I feel so guilty."
"Fer what?" Jamie's voice was tender, his hand moving to her back, holding her steady as she shook under the weight of her sobs.
"The children should be enough for me to heal...and they are not."
"Yer life canna be aboot the bairns, Eleanor. Ye must forge yer way as not just simply a mama, but the canny, sweet, sometimes infuriating woman ye are..."
"I want John back," Eleanor sobbed, "I was so aloof after Hugh's birth and now it's too late."
"Dinnae not settle matters betwixt ye?" Jamie asked, quietly, "He told me of yer troubles."
"We did, but...," Eleanor's sobs wracked her body.
"Then, tis no regrets to be had, Eleanor. Of course, Hugh's birth and the aftermath frightened you. It frightened all of us, believe me... And of course, ye allowed yer fear to draw away. Ye canna change that. But ye and John found yer peace with each other...and tis all that truly matters fer a man in love."
"Jamie," Eleanor pleaded...for what she did not know.
"Allow me to comfort ye, Ellie," Jamie said, his voice low. "I cannot bear to see ye suffer so without holding ye close to me."
She nodded and he gently coaxed her against him, his strong arms holding her shaking body steady.
They didn't say anything to each other for those few minutes she was in his arms, not requiring words at the moment.
When at last her sobs eased into hiccups, she pulled away, "I'm okay now."
"No, ye arena," Jamie said, his eyes reaching hers, "but ye will be."
"I'm sorry I ruined the sunrise."
"Ye dinnae ruin it," Jamie gave her a small smile, "Ye reacted how I ken ye would, mo ghraidh. I ken if I got ye to feel anythin, the knot in yer heart would pull loose." He reached out to put a hand on her face, rubbing her cheek, "Ye need to blow yer nose."
"Yes," she sniffed hard. "John always had a handkerchief with him."
Jamie pulled one out of his pocket, "I'm ken I am not Lord John, but ye can use mine if ye like."
She looked at him, but didn't say a word. He threw back his head and laughed, "It's clean, leannan. And ye are the one who just got snot all over my coat."
"I know, I did," She laughed, the rumbling deep in her stomach...the way Jamie and her always used to laugh together. She reached for the handkerchief, blowing her nose and wiping her tears, "Thanks."
"Yer welcome," he eyed her, who was still laughing..."What has tickled ye so much?"
"I think you finally learned how to read my mind."
Jamie laughed heartedly, "it wasna that hard, lassie. Ye should have seen the look on yer face."
Eleanor laughed again and then leaned her head wearily against Jamie for a moment longer. "I missed this, you know."
"What did ye miss, mo ghraidh?"
"Laughing instead of fighting with you," Eleanor said, softly. "So much better this way."
"Aye, I have to say I agree with ye there, lassie," Jamie said, his hand moving to her face, gently, cupping her cheek. The gesture was intimate and in the pit of Eleanor's stomach, something began to stir. "Sweet Eleanor, tis verra gut to hear ye laugh again. Happy birthday."
She looked at him, her expression faltering slightly and he titled his head, his eyes twinkling knowingly, "Dinnae overthink it.."
She nodded, the smile returning to her face, "I'm hungry."
"Aye," Jamie stood and extended his hand, "Lady John."
She put her hand in his and he helped her up. "Are you making me breakfast, since it is my birthday?" Eleanor asked, mischievously.
"Oh, aye, indeed," Jamie retorted, seriously, "If ye wish to milk the cow, muck out the barn and feed the horses."
She laughed, "I'll make breakfast. The little ones are probably waking Hugh will be hungry."
"Ian is there, I am sure he is fine," Jamie said, his hand squeezing hers before dropping it, "But come."
"Thank you for this, Jamie. It is what I needed to face today- the sunrise and a good cry and then a good laugh."
"Yer verra welcome, mo ghraidh." Jamie grinned at her, "Life is never verra dull with ye, is it no?"
She laughed, "Did you forget?"
"Nah, I'd never forget," Jamie retorted but leaned down for the lantern before she could see his face.
"What's this?" Eleanor asked in surprise as Jenny carried out a birthday cake lightened with small candles.
"Marsali made it fer ye," Jenny said, "to surprise ye."
Eleanor reached across the table to squeeze Marsali's hand, "Thank you, that was so thoughtful."
"Aye, tis not every day that it is yer birthday," Marsali said. "And after all ye do to care fer these wee bairns, ye deserve somethin special today as weel."
"Blow out yer candles, mi lady," Fergus smiled, his arm around Marsali.
"Make a wish, mama," Hope said, her sweet voice ringing out, filling the air, as she bounced in her seat.
"Aye, mama," Sam said, "Make it gut un."
Eleanor looked at her children, "I don't know quite what to wish for."
"Maybe that Papa can come back!" Hope suggested, excitedly, from her side, her voice innocent.
Eleanor's gasp was audible as her eyes found Jamie's. Jamie rose immediately from his spot at the other end of the table.
"Dinnae be stupid, Hope," Sam grunted, "Papa is dead. He isna ever comin back."
"Samuel!" Jamie's voice was stern, "Dinnae ye say another word."
Rose began to whimper at Sam's reminder that Papa was gone forever, her lip quivering and Eleanor knew she was going to start crying, but Ian's hand coming out to rest on her back, comforting her
"But..." Sam protested, "Papa always wished us to tell the truth."
Mac elbowed his brother as Jamie inclined his head, pointedly, and Sam closed his mouth.
Jamie made his way to Eleanor. He knelt down, between her and Hope and put an arm around Hope, leaning over to kiss her curls. He cleared his throat, "Make yer wish, mo ghraidh, before the candles burn the cake."
Eleanor closed her eyes, taking a breath and then blow out the candles to the applause of those at the table.
Jenny put a soothing hand on Eleanor's shoulder, "Ye stay put and I'll cut the cake."
Marsali stood, leaning down to give her bairns a quiet word before saying, "I'll help ye."
She nodded at both women gratefully, looking to Jamie again. Hope's innocent mistake rattled her. Jamie met her eyes and smiled. He stood, gave Hope another kiss before going around the table, his fingers brushing against her shoulder as he did. She took another deep breath and forced a smile as Hugh banged from his chair for Ellie's attention.
"I'm really grateful for you all- making this day special," she said, quietly, her hand rubbing Hugh's hair, "though I do feel so old."
"Do not fear mi lady. Ye will always be younger than mi Lord," Fergus quipped and the table laughed, the tension easing.
"I think I will drink to that," Eleanor chuckled. "We need whisky."
"Aye, I'll get some," Jamie rose, "Come help me, Ellie." He inclined her head and she pushed herself up to follow him into the other room, Fergus and Ian exchanging pointed looks as they did.
Jamie handed her some glasses, while he reached for the whisky, "Dinnae let what Hope say rattle ye. I will talk to her tonight and Sam as weel."
"It know it was innocent, but it still hurt."
"I ken," Jamie said, his voice low, "but there will be those moments with the wee uns..we canna avoid it. Dinnae let it ruin yer birthday, especially when ye have been strivin for contentment today."
She swallowed hard, "Okay, I'll try," she took a soothing breath. "Thanks for the talk."
"Yer welcome," Jamie smiled at her, "Now not too much whisky fer the birthday girl, eh?"
She grinned, "Of course. Just a swallow since Hugh is still nursing."
"Verra gut," He led her back to the dining room, Eleanor bolstered to brush off Hope's words.
Eleanor stopped at the doorway to the sitting room. She had left Hugh with Ian to go put the older children in bed, but it wasn't Ian who was with Hugh, but Jamie. His feet were up on the couch, laying half down, Hugh facing him on his legs. Hugh was smiling and laughing at Jamie, but what Jamie spoke of, pulled again at her heart. He was telling Hugh of his father, telling him a story about Lord John...about how they met when Lord John was just a teenage boy, trying to be a man.
"Is that true?" Eleanor asked, aghast, from the doorway.
Jamie glanced over at her, "I dinnae see ye there."
"Obviously," Eleanor retorted, a small smile, "Is it true?"
"Aye, of course, tis true," Jamie said, "Did Lord John nor I ever tell ye how we met?"
"I don't recall it and I think I would," Eleanor said, softly. "I thought you met when you were a prisoner."
"No," Jamie held Hugh's hand in his, jiggling his arm a bit, causing Hugh to laugh. "Come feed the wee un fer bed and I will tell ye all aboot it while ye do. It's a verra jolly story but it always caused John a wee bit of embarrassment and shame but I no thought it should. He was so verra young when it happened but I ken it twas a sensitive spot fer him."
"I'd like that," Eleanor said as she took Hugh from Jamie and then sat next to him, setting Hugh at her breast, a blanket concealing Jamie from view.
Jamie began his story in great detail, causing Eleanor to go between cringing, laughing, and joy to know that even as a teenage boy, John was so very honorable. It was classic Lord John, always trying to do what was just, even in spite of the danger.
"You liked him," Eleanor said, as she shifted a sleeping Hugh to her shoulder, "Even if he was English and the enemy."
"Aye, I thought him to be verra fine...and I had hoped he made it through."
Eleanor swiped at her eyes, "Thank you for telling me the story about John."
"Aye, yer welcome," Jamie said, "Sometimes it is gut to talk aboot the person ye are grieving, because in time, ye will find that their memory brings ye more joy than sorrow."
"I don't think I am there yet," Eleanor said, honestly.
"Aye, I ken," Jamie's voice was kind. He reached out to pat her hand, which was resting on the seat between them. "i ken it has been hard fer ye bein here and that part of that is that ye feel like an outsider in my home, but ye have never been an outsider to me, Eleanor. Thank ye for makin the effort with the woman of the Ridge and all ye and Jenny are doin to prepare us fer the season. I dinnae tell ye enough how proud I am of ye and all ye are doin when I ken tis a bit uncomfortable fer ye."
Jamie's praise traveled deep into her soul, Eleanor allowing the warmth of it to bolster her and fill her up. Her cheeks flushed as she nodded.
She rose, "I should get this little one into bed." She rose and began to leave the room, but Jamie's voice stopped her,
"Eleanor."
She turned, "Yes?"
"Dinnae forget to take a light, lass."
She blushed further, "Of course. Silly me."
She reached for a candle. "Goodnight, Jamie."
"Night, mo ghraidh." His eyes twinkled, but he managed to have an impassive expression.
But when she left, Jamie began to laugh under his breath. In spite of the tension between them at times, when the joy broke through, it was a wondrous feeling indeed.
A/N: thoughts?