A/N: Thank you all for the reviews. We have alot of Lord John fans (and people rooting for John/Eleanor) and I love him (and with Eleanor) too. From the show, he is my favorite character. He is coming back, but Ellie doesn't know that...so I'm also trying to write organically while staying true to all the characters. And knowing Jamie, if Eleanor is in pain, he would draw closer to her and her to him, especially considering the children. Needless to say, John (and Jamie as well) is going to flip when he finds out the heartache and discord Tryon has caused. But we aren't there yet...we are here. Soo here we go...
As always, let me know what you all think!
Chapter 48:
"Jenny, can ye watch the wee uns with Susanna?" Jamie asked.
Eleanor looked up from where she was feeding Hugh breakfast, "What's going on?" She made a silly face at Hugh as she shoved more cereal into his mouth.
"I think it is high time ye learned how to shoot," Jamie responded, his voice even.
Eleanor dropped the bowl of warm cereal she was holding, startled. The spoon clattered to the ground.
"Oh, crap, mama," Hope said, from her spot next to Hugh and then popped a piece of toast in her mouth.
"Hope!" Eleanor admonished. She leaned over to her daughter, "I told you to not repeat that." she whispered. She looked over at Jamie, "Honestly, I have no idea where she gets such awful language from."
Jamie couldn't hold back the wide grin he gave her, "Aye, indeed," he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. He bent down to retrieve the spoon, plopping it on the table.
"I can take over feedin the bairn if ye want to go ahead and get ready."
Eleanor looked over at Jenny and then around the table at her children her were eying her curiously, "Um..."
She didn't even know where to begin.
Jamie reached for a clean spoon and then nudged her out of the seat she was occupying, prodding her to rise and then taking her chair and the bowl. He grinned at Hugh, who smiled widely back at him, babbling at him. He dipped the spoon in the cereal and expertly prodded it into his mouth. "That's a verraa good laddie," he praised, reaching over to cup his head, sweetly, with his large hand, smoothing down Hugh's light brown hair.
Eleanor cleared her throat again, trying to stop her heart from being moved by the sweet scene, "Jamie...with all due respect..." she managed to choke out.
"Aye?" Jamie turned towards her, with an eyebrow raised.
Eleanor struggled to quell her beating heart, "As you may could have inferred from me dropping Hugh's cereal, and just my general lack of...well, sportsman like skills..." she paused, searching for the correct term, acutely are of Jenny's prodding eyes on her and the amused look she was getting from her former sister in law, "For Christ sake, Jamie Fraser," she heaved a long sigh, "I simply don't think I would be very good at it and this effort is doomed from the start."
"Aye, I dinna think ye will be either," Jamie said, easily, turning back towards Hugh,"but that dinnae mean that ye shouldna try." He tapped Hugh's nose with the spoon, causing Hugh to erupt in baby giggles.
Eleanor ran her fingers through her hair, "So you acknowledge it is a lost cause...it will just lead to frustration for both of us."
"I dinnae think so," Another spoonful into Hugh's mouth. "Tis important, Eleanor, that ye are given the means to protect yerself and our bairns...if need be. I think I can get ye with enough practice to perhaps be...decent at it."
"But Da," Rose frowned, "Mama might shoot somebody." Her eyes widened as she clarified in a whisper, "Like people she dinnae want to shoot."
"Or herself," Sam made a worried face. "She might shoot her foot or somethin."
Mac cleared his throat, "Mama shouldna shoot a gun, Da. She is a lady." He turned to his Aunt, "I dinnae think Papa would like this at all, Auntie."
Jamie frowned at his children, "Now my wee uns, Mama has to learn how to protect herself and ye all now that we are all here. Tis not to say that Mama is not still a fine lady, but we must be practical too. This is a necessity. Dinnae fash aboot yer mama. I can teach her."
"Like ye taught her how to ride weel?" Mac countered.
Eleanor fought the laughter that was bubbling up inside of her, "Mac, darling, that's impertinent," she managed to choke out. She put a gentle hand on Jamie's arm, "I think it is coming from a good place though."
"Aye," Jamie frowned, "Still...I wouldna talked to my Da like this or I would have been over the fence post, isna that right, Auntie?"
"Indeed," Jenny said, fighting her own smile, "But I dare say, Eleanor has raised the wee uns to think and question..."
"Aye," Jamie nodded, seriously, "A verra good trait, if used appropriately." HIs voice turned stern. "Yer mama will be fine. I think it would be wise to leave these matters to the adults, aye?"
"Aye, Da," Hope, Rosie and Sam said immediately, recognizing well Jamie's change in tone. Still, Mac hesitated.
"Mac?" Jamie turned to his and Eleanor's eldest.
Mac didn't say anything, but looked to Eleanor, his gaze fiercely protective.
Eleanor's heart melted. Mac always felt the need to take care of her and his siblings. It was something that Lord John worked with him on throughout the years as Mac's stepfather, patiently teaching him how to channel that good trait without letting it consume him with worry and fear. And not to allow that desire to care and protect steal Mac's childhood. With John's protection and care for his family, Mac was free to be the little boy that he was, not the quasi-adult he was forced to be when he and Sam and Rose were kidnapped. Unfortunately, that seemed to shift now again now with John's passing. It broke Eleanor's heart.
She walked over to where he was seated, sliding into the bench next to him. She gently turned his face towards him, "You do not have to worry so, James Mackenzie. We can trust your Da to know what is best for all of us...myself included." She leaned over to kiss his head, "Sometimes I'm scared to try new things, especially things I know that I will not be good at. But Da is right. That doesn't mean we shouldn't try those things, especially if they are important things. Papa would agree with that. I know he would."
Mac nodded, "Maybe I should go with ye, Mama."
She tweaked his nose, "It isn't necessary. I need you here."
"Aye," Jamie stood, reaching for a cloth to clean up Hugh's face, "I have a list of chores for ye, Sam and Ian to work on while Mama and I go out. You go get ready, Eleanor."
She nodded, another reassuring smile at her children, before leaving to go get her things.
"Mac was verra protective of ye, mo ghraidh," Jamie commented to her as they walked into the woods, away from the Ridge.
Eleanor twisted her hands, the wool of the mittens scratching against her skin. "Even more so that John is gone, I think."
"Aye," Jamie said, simply. "I often felt that Mac kens so much more than he should aboot adult matters."
"He is very intuitive," Eleanor said, "John often would coax him to more of a boy. I know it worried him how Mac fears so much for all of us. It had gotten so much better when John and I married."
"Do ye think the lad still resents me fer leavin ye?"
"After all these years?" Eleanor turned her head to study Jamie. "Truly?"
"Aye, perhaps bein here and seein ye and I together makes him remember what coulda been...shoulda been."
"I think we have a role reversal going on here," Eleanor smiled at him, "I'm usually the one that reads too much into things, not you."
"Aye, but...
"I wouldn't think so," Eleanor interrupted, reassuringly, "he adores you, James. And rightly so...you are everything a father should be."
Jamie smiled at her, "That means alot lassie."
She nodded. "Are you sure this is wise?"
Jamie nodded, "I do."
"Okay then," Eleanor let out a long breath, the puff of air visible.
"First, ye must learn how it works. Fer I ken yer canny mind, must seek to understand the process."
"You mean like the mechanics of it," Eleanor clarified.
"Aye, the inner workins of it," Jamie nodded. He then went to give her a lesson on the parts of the rifle and taught her how to load it.
"Now, ye do it," Jamie prompted.
Eleanor gave him a look, "I'm going to be so bad at this."
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "But ye will get better. Come now, Eleanor. Ye are among a friend."
"Yes, but considering you are used to Bree and Claire who could do just about anything...and now you have me to run things...who is about as handy as a rock," Eleanor titled her head, trying to keep her words light, but Jamie knew they weren't truly said in jest.
"Aye," Jamie reached out and gently turned her head towards him, "And yet my heart still missed ye, lass. Ye are no less valuable to me than if ye could shoot, bind wounds or perhaps...cook a wee bit better."
"I hardly would know what I am useful for then..."
"Weel," Jamie patted her cheek, "Ye are a fine mama...and a verra gut friend. Yer laughter heals us. And yer sweet spirit inspires us. And yer canny mind challenges us. So in my mind, ye are gut fer verra much."
Tears sprung to her eyes. "That's very sweet, James," she whispered, her voice thick with emotion.
"I'm glad ye are ye, Eleanor," Jamie finished, simply. "Now, get to it, woman. I dinnae have all day."
She giggled and Jamie wiped her tears. "Very well. I will try."
"Tis all I ask of ye," Jamie said.
It took her about ten tries to successfully load it with smooth motions. Jamie's expression was stalwart throughout, but his jaw was twitching and Eleanor could tell he was amused more than frustrated with her.
Eleanor picked up the rifle, "Good God, it is heavy to lift up higher."
"Aye," Jamie came closer to her. "I'll help ye balance it, if ye dinnae mind me being..." he paused, "weel, close to ye."
"That's fine with me if you are comfortable," Eleanor said, willing her voice not to shake.
"Aye," Jamie's voice was low, almost guttural, and Eleanor fought the temptation to turn her body to look at him. "Um," he reached around her, "Here," his arms encased her, his breath on her neck, "Like this." He fired the gun for her, the blow back causing her to jump and ram into him.
"Easy there," Jamie steadied her, while keeping a tight grasp on the rifle.
"I'm going to drop it when it shoots," Ellie said.
"Nah, ye'll become used to what it feels like," Jamie said. He put the rifle down and she turned in his arms, her face close to his.
They both froze, keenly aware of their closeness, but neither willing to shift.
Jamie's body was completely still, knowing any sudden shift closer to her would spook her, but very aware that she didn't want to draw away...and he dinnae want to either.
Eleanor laughed, awkwardly, "I do not know what to do."
"Just..." Jamie's breath tickled her cheek, "Don't think too much aboot it."
"I don't want to feel drawn to you...the tug on my heart..." Eleanor whispered, honestly, her tone vulnerable. "It's too soon. And...I'm such a mess."
"But ye canna help to feel the pull...like I can not," Jamie said, quietly, "Dinnae fash over it, lassie. Whit's fur ye'll no go by ye." He removed his hand from her and then took a step back, "But it will not happen today."
Eleanor nodded and swallowed hard, "Should I try shooting again?"
Jamie's lip turned upward into a crooked grin, "I think that is enough fer one day. I cannot help ye at the moment and on yer own, ye'd likely shoot yer foot."
She laughed, "Indeed. Are you ready to claim defeat?"
"Oh, no Lady John," Jamie retorted, "I am even more determined. Ye have potential."
Her laugher filled the air, "Those are the most foolish words I have ever heard you utter."
He laughed with her, "Be that as it may, I do believe them." He put a hand on her arm and then picked up the rifle, "Come, lassie. We should head back."
"Very well," Eleanor and him walked back in easy chatter, very content with each other's company.
Eleanor jiggled Hugh, who was screaming as she rocked and bounced him downstairs. She finally laid him down, struggled to get on his little baby coat and then wrapped him in two blankets before heading out on the porch.
"You are going to wake the whole damn house, Hugh Gerard Alexander Armstrong Grey" Eleanor grimaced. She shivered, the shock of the cold air, calming for a moment before he did a full out wail. "Oh, goodness, what would your Papa say?" Eleanor rocked him harder.
"Probably somethin like what the hell are ye doin out here?" Jamie suggested, his hair tossed. He had pulled on breeches and his shirt was untucked, barefoot, a blanket around him.
"He's going to wake everyone up if I kept hm inside," Eleanor bit her lip, "He should be warm enough."
"I'm not concerned about him bein too cold. Ye dinnae even have a coat on. Good Lord, woman. Get yer arse back into this house before ye catch yer death," Jamie said, "Hand him over."
She handled the bundle over to Jamie as she followed him back into the house. Jamie juggled Hugh, unwrapping him, tugging off his coat and then wrapping him up in a blanket. Hugh had stopped screaming to stare at his godfather.
"Now, ye stay put, my wee un. I am startin a fire. Then, we will work on gettin ye back to sleep, mo bloblain."
Jamie unwrapped himself from the blanket and tossed it to her, "Warm up." He bent down and began to start a fire, Eleanor watching him.
Jamie then retrieved Hugh, picking him up, "Ye canna keep givin yer mama such a hard time, wee laddie," he scolded gently, and then went over to sit on the couch with him next to Eleanor. Hugh began to lunge for Eleanor's chest.
"The lad is hungry, Ellie," Jamie frowned, "Are ye no, ye wee rascal?"
"I can't keep comfort feeding him," Eleanor said, "He is teething."
Jamie looked at her, incredulously, "when did ye decide this?"
"I don't know. I'm just tired. I spent so long not being able to sleep that now I am resting better, he is up every hour. And my days are exhausting. I just need some rest, Jamie. I thought if we struggled through it, it would get better."
"And ye chose Christmas Eve to do so, my wee besom?"
She shrugged.
"Put the bairn to yer breast and stop this nonsense," Jamie said, bluntly. "If the lad is hungry, ye canna refuse to feed him."
"Technically, he doesn't need to eat in the middle of the night," Eleanor countered.
"How do ye ken that?" Jamie demanded.
"I have had the benefit of child rearing in modern times."
"Ye always fed our bairns when they needed it," Jamie countered.
Eleanor couldn't help the tears that flooded her eyes.
"Why are ye cryin?" Jamie asked, aghast, still struggling with Hugh, who was now wailing again. "Hush now, we laddie," Jamie began to pat his back, rhythmically, "Ye canna carry on so. Eleanor, what is it?"
"It's just...when he wakes me, I can't fall back asleep because I think of Lord John. And him being in the bottom of the ocean somewhere. I see him in my head there when I try to fall asleep. And it's Christmas and I don't want to see him there in my head."
"Oh, Christ, Ellie," Jamie grunted and then his gaze turned resolute, "Feed the bairn and we will talk this over together." His voice was kind, coaxing her. "I'm sorry if I was short with ye, lass. I dinnae realize, but I shoulda."
She took Hugh and he settled right down, as Eleanor covered him with his knit baby blanket. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Jamie watching her, intently. Eleanor's eyes were on Hugh, watching him nurse under the tent the blanket created. Ellie's hair was flowing down her back, the streaks of gray that began to began more evident, sparkling in the firelight. Tiny creases were beginning to take shape around her eyes when she smiled or frowned. And yet, Jamie thought she was just as bonny as they day they met.
"You are so much like your father," Eleanor murmured to Hugh. "I'm sorry, darling, I do love you so much."
Tears glistened in Jamie's eyes. Sensing his gaze, she rose her head to look at him. She shivered at the intense look he was giving her.
"Are ye warm enough?" Jamie inquired, his voice low.
She nodded. "God, Jamie, I'm such a fool."
"No," Jamie chided, his hand reaching out to grip her shoulder. "Yer grief- it will capture ye in different ways, but ye canna allow yerself be held prisoner by it."
"You don't understand about how much John means to me...When I married him, I never thought that my heart would be so entwined in his."
"Aye," Jamie studied her evenly, "Tell me aboot it."
"About what?" Eleanor looked down at Hugh, who had unlatched and little snores were coming from him.
"Aboot ye and Lord John..." Jamie said, "Whatever ye wish to share."
Eleanor adjusted her nightgown and made sure her dressing gown covered her before shifting Hugh up in her arms, his head cuddled against her chest. "You surely do not want to hear about John and I."
"Weel," Jamie let out a long breath, "ye need to talk aboot it, Eleanor. And I am willin to listen...as a way to honor Lord John, who was un of my closest friends...but also to show ye that there is nothin I wouldna do...to make yer heart find peace. What did ye love most aboot him?"
"That's easy," Eleanor said, "He was exceptionally kind...just remarkable in his character. But he was also witty and politically savvy...he was like all the characters I loved in the novels I read about this time period. He could have been a protagonist in Jane Austen's books. And he just got me...got me down to my depths...of the way my mind works and my heart works. He had it all. And he made me want so desperately to be the woman worthy of being the wife of Lord John Grey."
"And yet, he never found ye lacking, did he?" Jamie asked.
"No, he guided and coaxed, but it never made me feel...unworthy or not true to myself."
Jamie nodded, "Did it ever bother ye...to ken that John had a past?" He shifted heavily, "ye ken...that he preferred men?"
"Yes, in a way," Eleanor said, her voice low. "It took me a long time to trust that the ways he found me attractive were enough for him...that I wasn't denying him satisfaction of being with someone who..." she paused, "made his heart sing and his body quake."
"I canna imagine that ye dinnae do that fer him," he said, "even if he was learnin to do so, dinnae mean that it was less real fer him. Dinnae ye have to learn to do so...not just with John, but with I?"
"Yes, but when all is said and done, did I make him as happy as he could possibly be? Because I would never want to deny him of anything."
"He couldna have a man in the way he can have ye...as a partner, a parent, and a lover...not in this time," Jamie said, evenly, "He always looked verra happy to me...and when he was no, it was because he was worrit fer ye...and if yer heart was no content, his heart couldna be either."
"And the one he truly wanted, he could never have," Eleanor said, softly. "It helped...knowing I didn't have to be ashamed or laden with guilt...for feeling what I did...because he did too. So, we accepted it and lived with it...and we thrived together."
"Where Claire couldna," Jamie said, his voice low.
Eleanor winced, "I'm so sorry, Jamie. Truly."
"Aye," Jamie said. "Tis my own fault. She was right to do what she did."
"Still, I am sorry for it...for you and for her." She paused, "Perhaps, we should have not tried to blend our lives together so much. A hard break for us both.."
"How could we have done that?" Jamie asked, "The wee uns...they are mine...and I love them. I could never keep them at arm's length even to save my marriage. And dinnae forget, they were taken from us so soon after Claire came back. They needed us both...to heal. Puttin Claire above our wee uns wasna the right thing to do either."
"But..." Eleanor shifted, awkwardly, "I know Claire loved our children...so it wasn't really about them, was it?"
"No," Jamie's voice was low, "It wasna."
"It was about you...and me..."
"Aye."
Eleanor's heart twisted, "I was selfish. I wanted the children to have both you and I...and John and Claire. And perhaps, that was our mistake. We could have shared them, you gotten them half the year and I half the year, but..."
"No, lass," Jamie reached out to lightly touch her, "they were but bairns when Claire came back...and they are older now, but they are still so wee. I couldna ask ye to share them when we were weeks apart in travel from each other. Especially not after they were taken from ye. And I think she realized after ye were so ill, the love I have fer ye, it runs deep...and I wouldna give up the parts of the vows I made to ye...the uns I were able to keep...to stand by yer side as we raised our children...to care fer ye as ye walked through the shadow of death...it affected me deeply, ye ken...seein ye that way, so close to death."
Eleanor's lip trembled, "Was that because of guilt?"
He extended his hand to her and she took it. He squeezed it hard, "No, mo ghraidh. If it was, I think Claire woulda understood more. Twas love fer ye that kept me by yer side."
"Why?" Eleanor's tears obstructed her vision, "I honestly thought...when I stepped aside for you and Claire to be together, you would just forget."
"Why would ye ever think that?" Jamie asked, quietly. "What did I ever do fer ye to doubt me in the five years that ye were mine...? In the moment that I needed ye to trust me the most... to sort it out and be the man I needed to be... ye couldna take the risk that I would choose Claire over ye and our bairns."
"But you just let me go," Eleanor sniffed hard, "Without a fight. I thought that made it perfectly clear..."
"Ye dinnae give me the chance to fight fer ye. Ye shut me out, Ellie. I thought it was what ye wanted."
"I just knew our love couldn't compare to yours and Claire." She began to pull her hand away, but he held it tight.
"That is so verra foolish, Eleanor," Jamie retorted, "Ye felt inferior to Claire fer some reason and we all paid the price fer yer insecurity."
"Wasn't I?"
"No, ye werena," Jamie retorted. "And ye still arena."
Eleanor cuddled Hugh tighter with her free arm, "We have hashed this out for years, Jamie. I suppose it doesn't really matter what happened."
"Then, why do ye keep bringin it back up...when ye feel scarrit or angry or frustrated?"
"Because clearly, I am a horrible person!"
"Nah, I ken that isna true," He leaned over and kissed her hand, "It is because it is easier to fight aboot it...in this moment, then to admit, that what should have died long ago, is still verra much alive...fer both of us."
"I can't do this with you, Jamie," Eleanor said, softly, the tears flowing, "I can be a partner to you, maybe...we can be friendly with each other, affectionate even...but a wife is more...and even though you are right, I do love you and I always will, but what I said earlier, it still is true. I can't be a wife to you...not the wife you need."
Jamie shifted and then leaned closer to her, "Just tell me that deep down, there is no any part of ye that wants me...in the way a wife wants a husband. And if there is no, then we can lay this to rest...ye can tell me and I will never discuss this again." He rested his head against hers, "But if this is comin from fear, then I beg ye fer the truth..the truth ye couldna give me when Claire came back...but no matter, I will hear yer words and heed them either way."
Her heart thumped through her chest. She struggled what admitting what was in her heart...of trusting Jamie again.
"Ye can tell me. Either way. Trust me, Eleanor. I beg of ye. Fer the sake of the man I was when we were wed."
"I am scared, James. And I do not know if I can get past the fear I have...to be with you. And I am still mourning John...I don't think that will change if it has been months or years. Do you understand what I mean? Like you can say you will give me time to be ready...but I don't think I will ever be ready. You have to know that. My heart has been broken...cracked by you, healed by John, but my heart was still fragile... because that healing was imperfect because try as John might, the love I have for you...was...and is... still a part of me. And now my heart has been shattered by John's death. I do not think we can go back. "
"Aye," Jamie leaned to rest his head on her shoulder, "We canna go back. But we can move forward...whereever that may lead us. I willna do anythin to harm yer heart again, Eleanor. Hear my words. I am so verra ashamed of the man I was then and the heartache I brought ye. I love ye, Ellie. And I canna shake it. Fer the sake of the man, I was, please would ye consider letting go of yer fear if only a wee bit?"
She swallowed hard, "I can try."
He raised his head, "Truly?"
"Well, I am not going to kiss you or make love to you right now...and for the record, I may never...but I can and will honor the trust I have in you, Jamie. Because that isn't gone either, when perhaps it should have been."
He smiled and then leaned to kiss her cheek, his hand on Hugh's back, "Tis enough. Fer ye to open the door a wee bit more. Tis the best gift ye could give me."
Eleanor smiled. "Well, that's good, because your gift is sorely lacking this year...without John's funds and his love language of gifts to help make sure your gift is perfect."
He laughed, "The truth comes out...those Christmas gifts ye sent, were John's doing?"
"Surely," Eleanor's smile was wide, "You know me..."
"Aye, I did suspect it," Jamie said. He kissed her hand one more time and then stood and stretched. "We can put Hugh in the crib down here. I'll sleep on the sofa. Sleep in my bed tonight. Ye need one night where Hope's elbows are not protruding in yer ribs."
They had moved Jemmy's crib from Roger and Brianna's cabin to the downstairs of the Big House, so Eleanor could have a place to keep Hugh contained as she helped the other children. It was a sweet offer from Jamie as she knew there was no way he would be comfortable on the sofa.
"I can't," Eleanor said.
"Why? Are ye afraid sleeping in my bed will plant wee ideas in yer head aboot me?" Jamie asked, his eyebrows raised, mischievously.
Eleanor's face blushed deeply, "No, James. I was more saying that I can't kick you out of your own bed...especially the laird who built this house with his own two hands." Her retort was sarcastic, matching his tone before and causing Jamie's grin to widen.
"I dinnae mind. It would greatly ease me mind to ken ye are comfortable. And if ye have bad dreams, I will hear and come and wake ye."
"Really?"
"Aye," Jamie nodded. "Yer dreams canna be so fearsome tonight. Tis Christmas after all."
Eleanor rose and carefully transferred Hugh into Jamie's arms. Jamie looked down at the baby fondly before looking back at her.
"Thank you, Jamie," Eleanor leaned over to kiss his cheek, impulsively.
"Yer welcome, mo ghraidh. Off to bed before the wee uns wake to wish ye a Happy Christmas."
Eleanor gave him and Hugh one more look before saying goodnight and leaving. Eleanor crawled into Jamie's bed, snuggling deep under the covers. After a moment, she groaned. She turned the pillow over to the opposite side. The bed did smell like Jamie...it was comforting but at the same time, it left a feeling deep into the pit of her stomach. She knew that Jamie was slowly unfurling the grip she held on her heart...and that scared her to pieces.
"Sister," Jenny bumped hips with her as she and Eleanor prepared breakfast. The children were eagerly awaiting the gift giving portion of Christmas morn, having awoken at a God-awful hour.
"Yes?" Eleanor asked, "Fergus and Marsali should be coming soon."
"Aye," Jenny looked over at her, "Did ye sleep in my brother's bed last night?" she asked, innocently.
Eleanor dropped the pan she was holding, it clattering on the counter.
Jenny gave her a look, her lips pursed. "So ye did."
"Jamie was not in it."
"Did ye wish him to be?"
"No!" Eleanor twisted her braid. "I mean...Jenny, it was really innocent!"
"I ken, but ye and Jamie always had a spark. Wee Hope is a testament to that."
"Lord John just passed a few months ago."
"Aye," Jenny nodded, "And when yer husband and wee bairns died, ye marrit Jamie because ye had no choice. But it dinnae take ye long to love him. And here, ye have four wee bairns with him and he isna so unfamiliar to ye. It would be a surprise if ye werna attracted to him. And I see the way my brother looks at ye...the same way he looked at ye when ye were his wife fer so many years. That shoulda changed, but it dinnae. So what does that mean?" She wiped her hands on her apron and then went over to Eleanor, her hand on Ellie's shoulder, "I miss my Ian...so much today. And I ken ye miss yer John. But ye have a chance to be with someone ye still love, Eleanor. I will live my life alone, but ye dinnae have to. Yer bairns are so wee...If ye have part of ye...the part of ye that is a woman and not a mama, if that part of ye wants the father of yer bairns to be more, then I dare say, there is no shame in that."
Eleanor blushed as Jamie came into the room, Hope hoisted up in his arms.
"The wee rascals are gettin impatient," he said and then looked between Jenny and Eleanor. "What is happenin here?"
"I just dropped the pan," Eleanor said as Jenny laughed and Eleanor shot her a look to cut it out.
"How did that happen?" Jamie asked.
"You know me...just clumsy." Eleanor picked it back up and put it over the fire, "No harm down. Breakfast will be ready soon. Maybe the kids can open up their stockings?"
Jamie continued to study both woman in the room, sensing something was amiss. "Janet?"
"Aye, brother?"
"Ye shouldna tease Eleanor so. She did give up her bed to ye and I thought after Hugh was up in the wee hours of the night and considerin the certain early rise of our wee uns, she should get a more peaceful sleep. Hope has very pointed elbows," He ticked Hope's side, "Dinnae ye, lassie?"
Hope elbowed Jamie, causing Jamie to laugh, his laughter deep and rumbling, "Feisty like yer auntie and mama, that ye are, my leannan." He kissed her affectionately and then looked to Eleanor, "Eleanor assured me it wouldna get any ideas in that wee heid of hers, isna that right, Ellie?"
Eleanor blushed further. "Of course not."
"What kind of ideas, Da?" Hope asked.
"Never you mind," Eleanor said, quickly, but went over to give her a kiss. "Happy Christmas, darling. Please ask your brothers and sister to be patient."
"Go on, Eleanor, and watch the wee bairns open their stockin," Jenny said, "Susanna can help me in here." She gave her sister in law a smile, "Yer bairns are only this wee once. Ye must treasure it. And I ken it is the first time in a while that ye have spent Christmas at the Ridge with the wee bairns."
She nodded and then took off her apron, hanging it on the hook, "Thank you, Jenny."
"Of course," Jenny nodded. "And Jamie is right, I shouldna tease ye so. Whit's fur ye'll no go by ye."
Jamie nodded at his sister, "That is verra wise, Janet."
Eleanor gave Jamie a saucy look, "That is only because Jamie said the very same thing a few weeks back."
"Did he now?" Janet grinned, her hands on her hip, "Well, then..."
"Now, Janet, dinnae ye get ideas," Jamie chided. "Eleanor and I are friends, are we no lass?"
"Yes, just very good friends," Eleanor retorted, her hands on her flushed cheeks. She reached for Hope.
"Well, I ken un thing," Jenny said, matter of factly, "These wee bairns may be comfortin to sleep with," she tickled Hope's side, "as we are so fond of our bairns, but tis still a cold night, is it no? Elle, ye have always been prone to the cold, or am I no rememberin that correctly?"
"Janet," Jamie reprimanded, "Eleanor dinnae take yer teasin as weel as I do."
"Oh, it's fine, Jamie," Eleanor said, her head against Hope's. "She isn't wrong. I wear many layers to bed now that John is gone."
"Do ye now?" Jamie frowned, "We will have to think what to do aboot that."
Eleanor gave him a look and then sideswiped him, "I'm going to see if can calm the troops."
Janet raised her eyebrow at her brother watched Eleanor leave the room with Hope.
"Dinnae say anything," Jamie pointed a finger in Jenny's direction.
Janet smirked and then went back to her tasks.
"Yer knitting has vastly improved," Jamie said, smiling at Eleanor as he held a scarf that was knitted in Fraser colors. "And the colors weaved together- tis verra thoughtful of ye, mo ghraidh. Thank ye."
"You are welcome," Eleanor held Hugh on her lap, her other arm around Rosie. Hope sat on Jamie's lap and Mac and Sam were on on the floor, playing with their wooden swords that Jamie had made them. Susanna, Jenny and Young Ian, Fergus and Marsali and their crew made the room very full and cozy.
"When did ye have time to work on it?" Jamie asked.
"Here and there," Eleanor bounced Hugh.
Jamie gave Hope a box and told her to go give it to Eleanor.
Eleanor smiled at her daughter, "Thank you, sweetheart."
"Da showed Rosie and I but we had to keep it a secret," Hope jumped up and down. "Open it, mama!"
She glanced at Jamie, her look almost shy as Hope went back to sit on his lap. She handed Hugh to Rosie and gently untangled the ribbon.
The room grew quiet as Eleanor opened the box, pulling out a necklace. She held it in her hand, marveling at the wooden rose, so delicately carved and then painted. The care and attention to detail was obvious and she knew Jamie put his heart into this gift.
"Jamie," Eleanor looked over at him, her eyes wide in wonder and amazement, "Did you make this? This must have taken you forever."
"Aye, it took several tries to get it right but I ken in my mind how I wanted it to look."
"When?"
"I had plenty of time to work on it when ye werena talkin to me."
"You did this for me then? When I was so awful to you?"
Jamie nodded. "I ken it isna as fancy as ye are used to and if ye dinnae want to wear it, I will understand...I ken it might not be to yer taste as a proper lady now..."
"No," Eleanor's heart swelled, still looking at it in the palm of her hand. "It's perfect. I love it." She blinked several times, the feelings deep in her heart beginning to overflow now as she was bombarded with all the feelings she had repressed for the past several years. She felt everyone's eyes on her, watching her reaction. And she knew she had to flee before she embarrassed herself or Jamie. She rose, "Excuse me."
She fled the room, much to the surprise of everyone. Jamie immediately slid Hope off of his lap, kissing her as he did. He stood, "Excuse me."
Jenny nodded and went to sit on the couch, taking Hugh from Rosie's arms.
He found her in the kitchen. Her back was turned, but he could tell from the shaking of her shoulders that she was crying. And it wasn't like last night- the tears were coming violently, her body wracked with sobs.
"Mo ghraidh," Jamie's voice was strained to see her in so much emotional pain, "What can I do?"
"I don't know," Eleanor cried, the necklace still engulfed in her hand.
"Are ye upset because John isna here?"
"Yes. But it's not just that. It's this. You put your heart into this."
"Aye," Jamie said, slowly, "Was that wrong?"
"No...I just..." she struggled to find the words, "It is just that it means something...to you and to me...it means more. Is that wrong?"
"No, mo ghraidh. I dinnae think it is wrong."
"I want your comfort, Jamie. But I don't know if I want it because John isn't here. And you deserve more than that."
"It dinnae matter. I'll take ye as ye are. Come here." He opened his arm and Eleanor quickly crossed the divide.
"Go ahead and cry, my sweet lass. Ye need to get out yer tears."
She cried in his arms for a few minutes, feeling safe and comforted before pulling away.
Jamie reached out to wipe her tears.
"Will I ever stop crying?" Eleanor asked, aghast.
"Not fer a while," Jamie retorted, honestly. "and tis compounded by how conflicted ye feel. Ye can wait to wear the necklace until ye are ready."
She shook her head, "No, I want to wear it." She stiffed hard, "Will you put it on me?"
He nodded and extended his hand. Eleanor put it in his hand. He stepped around her and she lifted her hair for him to put it around her neck, clasping it. He gripped her elbow and turned her around.
"It looks verra bonny on ye, Eleanor."
"Thank you," she whispered hoarsely. "I can't properly express how much it means to me...for you to make this for me especially during the time I was so unloveable. I do treasure it, Jamie."
Jamie's eyes found hers. "Yer welcome."
True to Jamie's word, Hogmanay was a night to remember. Eleanor and Jenny had decorated the house with wreaths and greenery for Christmas and worked together to freshen up the decorations for that night. They cooked for hours and the whole Ridge turned out, filling the Big House from corner to corner.
Eleanor chose a midnight blue dress to wear that night, her hair adorned with ribbon and Jamie's necklace dangling into her cleavage of her dress. She worked to clean up all the Frasers- Susanna and her laboring over new dresses for the girls. They spent an hour untangling the girls tangly curls to fix their hair just right.
Furniture was moved to accommodate dancing and music and the whole house overflowed with laughter and frivolity.
Eleanor busied herself with making sure everything was perfect. Never one for large crowds, she threw herself in the task of making sure the wee uns were behaved and everything was running smoothly.
Jamie found her and Jenny watching the dancing with Hope and Rosie by their side. His eyes met hers as he crooked his finger in her direction.
She smiled and shook her head.
"My brother seems to want to dance with ye."
"I know. I'm ignoring him. It would only draw suspicion to our living situation."
Jenny watched her brother weave the dancers to cross the room. "I dinnae think he cares aboot that at the moment."
"Lady John," Jamie bowed formally at Eleanor as she dipped in a curtsey automatically. "May I have the honor of a dance?"
His eyes twinkled as Rosie and Hope clapped their hands.
"Oh, do say yes, Mama!" Rosie said, her cheeks flushed with excitement.
"Ye canna say no, Mama," Hope said, "It's Da!"
"I am not much of a dancer, Mr. Fraser," Eleanor demurred, properly.
"ye loved dancin with Papa!" Rosie said, "he said ye were a fine dancer."
Jenny smiled at her nieces who were such a jolly combination of Eleanor and Jamie.
"Your Papa taught me well," Eleanor leaned down to hug Rosie, "alright, I wouldn't want to disappoint our daughters."
"Aye," Jamie nodded, solemnly, "We canna have that." He offered his hand and she took it, her sapphire ring sparkling in the candlelight.
She managed to get the children in bed even though it was still hopping downstairs. Susanna said she would stay upstairs with the bairns and Eleanor rejoined the party.
She found Jamie. "Did ye get the wee uns in bed?" he asked, but his words were drowned out by the increasingly boisterous crowd.
She laughed and Jamie reached for her hand, pulling her through people, to a quiet spot by the stairs, hidden in the shadow from view.
"Did ye get the wee uns in bed?" he repeated.
She nodded, "It wasn't easy. They wanted to stay up to welcome the new year."
"Aye, I could see how that would be a problem. Is Susanna with them?"
"Yes, and she runs a tight ship. They should be asleep soon." She titled her head, "We should get back."
She turned but Jamie reached out and stopped her, "Do ye remember what ye and I used to during Hogmanay? When the party got too much fer ye?"
She laughed, "We would find a private spot and..."
He offered his hand and she took it.
"Ye taught me how to dance like ye did in yer time."
"Well, kind of...minus the bumping and grinding of my youth."
Jamie chuckled, "Will ye dance with me again, mo ghraidh?"
She nodded and he pulled her into his arms, his hand in hers, the other on his waist. They swayed and he talked to her, quietly...not about anything important, just comforting mundane talk. She sighed and put her head against his chest.
"Ye look so bonny tonight, lass," Jamie said, sensing her relaxing.
She lifted her head. "I'm getting old, Jamie. My hair is getting speckled with grey. I see wrinkles when I look in the mirror and..."
"Hush," He put a finger to her lips, "It's the flush to yer cheeks and the smile on yer face."
She smiled at him. "I feel peace tonight."
"Aye, I ken." He twirled her. "Tis verra gut to see ye content. Ye look alive, not just strugglin to press on..."
They danced for a few more minutes in silence, each soaking in the other's presence.
Finally Jamie pulled away, kissing her hand. "We should rejoin the others before our absence becomes conspicuous."
He took her hand, gently leading her out of the shadows and back into the festivities.
They stood at the entranceway, watching the frivolity.
Marsali and Fergus came over, "Mi Lord," Fergus handed him a drink. "Ye are under the mistletoe with mi lady."
Marsal laughed as Jenny joined them, "Aye. Weel, what are ye waiting fer, Jamie?"
Eleanor's face blushed, "Now, I know why Jenny insisted on hanging it," she murmured to Jamie.
"Aye," Jamie's adam apple bobbed. "Weel, lass?"
Jenny smirked, waiting expectantly. "Tis tradition, brother."
Jamie put his free hand on Eleanor's face and leaned in as Eleanor's heart fluttered. But at the last second, he turned and kissed her cheek.
"When I kiss this woman again, I dinnae want it to be because of some gorach tradition." He declared before going over to join a group of men.
Marsali and Jenny laughed in delight and Fergus reached for another glass of whisky.
"Here ye go, mi lady," he whispered in her ear. "It looks like ye could use this."
"That's an understatement," Eleanor said as she downed the glass, causing Jenny and Marsali to laugh harder.
Jamie shook the snow off his jacket a month later, Ian coming in behind him. "Tis really comin down gut. Ye can barely see now."
"Jamie," Jenny met him at the door, Hugh on her hip. "Eleanor went to drop off a basket of goodies at the Lindsays. Ye ken Mistress Lindsay is expectn again and havin a hard time. We dinnae ken it would start snowin."
Jamie stilled, "Is Eleanor out in this?"
"Surely, she stayed at the Lindsays when the snow started, Uncle," Ian offered.
"She wouldna ken it would get this bad this quickly. She isna used to snow storms on the mountain," Jamie reached back fer his coat and then trekked to the kitchen to gather supplies. "She would try to get back for the bairns," He began to grab cheese and bread, "Ye ken that to be true."
"Uncle, ye canna go back out on this." Ian's voice shook. "Tis a mission full of folly. She can find shelter. Auntie will be practical."
"I canna have her out and this and not do anythin. Fer Christ sake, Ian, it's Ellie! She isna known fer her superior survival skills. Stay with yer mama and the bairns. Eleanor and I might need to find shelter together and ride out the storm. It may be a few days."
"This wee un will need to eat soon," Jenny's eyes creased. "Ellie isna ready to ween the bairn."
"Aye, but there is nothin we can do aboot it."
"He will be fine," Jenny said, "Tell Eleanor when ye find her not to worry over the bairns."
"I will," Jamie nodded and left the kitchen for the hallway.
"Da," Mac ran up to him, "Will Mama be okay? She can get lost, the snow is so bad." His eyes were filled with worry and Jame knew that Mac knew how much danger Eleanor was in.
"I ken this land weel. It's my land." Jamie bent down to look his son in his eyes, "I will find yer Mama, Mac. I promise ye."
Once upon a time, when Mac was first born, Jamie vowed that he would never promise his son something that he wasn't sure he could keep. And yet, still he promised, to try to shield his son from the agony of possibly losing his mama months after his stepfather.
But even as he said it, he didn't know if it was a vow he could actually keep. He kissed his son's head, "I love ye, James Mackenzie. Dinnae forget that."
With one final glance at Ian and Jenny, he left the warmth of the house...into the roaring weather...and into the unknown.
A/N: Please let me know what you think.