Ruka's Redemption

Chapter One: Resolve

Ruka stood smiling as she politely declined a patron's asking her out at the karaoke club during a shift and when questioned if she had a boyfriend she looked over towards Kazuya genuinely unsure.

With a slightly sad and self-doubting look she asked aloud, "Do I have a boyfriend?"

Taking her to the break room with some degree of urgency Kazuya pinned Ruka to the door. Ruka's eyes were startled, bordering on fear, and Kazuya was shaking with some fear bordering on the edge of tears. She looked back at him again this time with more trepidation than fear, but remained quiet, and listened intently.

Kazuya tried as hard as he could to calm his nervousness and said, "Bear with me Ruka. There's something I need to say..."

"Kazuya...kun?", Ruka replied with concern, but no fear as Kazuya had gone silent and she wished to show was there for him no matter what.

Kazuya called upon whatever bravery and resolve he could muster and said, "We agreed on a trial period, and now...I want to make it official!"

Ruka's eyes looked on in awe. Was the trial officially over with a decline or officially over with a desire to proceed with her as a real girlfriend?! Ruka teetered on a clarification, but she didn't receive any as Kazuya suddenly saw a crestfallen Mizuhara being led on an invisible leash by Mami. Taken to Studio 13 Kazuya watched as Mizuhara sang for Mami. When this seeming date ended and the two of them left Kazuya quickly feigning illness. After appearing too sick to work Kazuya got permission, really more of an order, from his senpai to leave work early and he dashed out to follow Mami and Mizuhara. Kazuya witnessed a conversation on a bridge which had seen Mami question Mizuhara's beliefs on her profession, her possible reluctance to allow emotional attachment at all, and really to question the possibility she fell in love with Kazuya. He then saw her ready to leave when Mizuhara grabbed Mami and flat-out asked her how she felt about him. She urged her to think how much Kazuya's desire to be the best he could for her could really mean. She challenged her to ask herself if he could in fact be the one to make her happy her whole life. Mami got angry, told her to mind her own business, and that they were done here. Collapsing on the ground against the bridge Kazuya's emotions came crushing down as he wept reflecting on his situation of his anger, sadness, regret, and longing all came together at once.

The following morning started anew for everyone as it always did. In the afternoon Kazuya got a grip on himself and came to some pretty hard conclusions: No matter how much he wanted to believe Mizuhara's act actually paralleled feelings from Chizuru, the non-rental girlfriend side of the woman who lived next door, he started to think it was all the more an act. She dodged, quite efficiently, the direct question by Mami of whether or not she liked Kazuya and Mami, rightfully so, called her on it. Say what you will about Mami, but she is blunt and not scared to speak her mind. While her feelings towards Kazuya were her own business she didn't have the luxury of hiding her feelings behind a profession. Mizuhara had given 'the company line', an answer which afforded her the privilege to be wrapped in ambiguity and uncertainty while she could appear to telling the truth either way, when she simply said all needed to know was that Kazuya was her boyfriend. Kazuya took that especially hard and had to rethink his approach to things: On one hand he had Mami and their unresolved issues and on the other hand was Ruka and there was much more to her. Ruka had already showed a lot of enthusiasm, genuine affection, an impassioned defense against wasting time in a strictly platonic relationship with a rental girlfriend and who needed to be clear one way or another in her personal feelings towards him, gave him space as requested, and even agreed to a trial-relationship. She may, and perhaps did, use some strong powers of persuasion, but it is easy to judge something from afar when they aren't the person in the situation in question. However, when faced with being alone and wallow in misery or give things a shot Kazuya decided to man up and give things a shot. Win or lose, fly high or crash and burn, he knew that to not give things a shot meant failure regardless. He knew he may not have to get the girl, he just wanted the chance to dance. He had been dancing with Chizuru for some time and for his efforts he received heartache, physical pain, embarrassment, anxiety with continuous lying to his friends and family as a result of fear due to a lack of self-confidence, and it all literally cost him for his time and troubles. Although there were some joyous moments, some bravery, and redemption it surely was outweighed by the negative side of "dating" Mizuhara. She was a rental with continuous monetary costs while Kazuya had no coupons, no specials, no discounts from continuous business with Diamond, and had spent enough to not only court a real woman who could provide a far better chance, but ended up needing to take on part-time work. It is a very saddening and angering thought to work extra hard to pay for one's own fears, lies, continued sadness, and overall reluctance to change. He took a sizable chunk of the money his family had given him for the entire semester and ended up spending it on a fantasy chasing a paper moon and it sickened him. He decided his grandmother may have to lessen her views of him and the woman she loved for belief of her love towards him for the sake of his happiness and well-being as an individual. After all is it truly worth it to spend money on a lie intended to save some pain which in the end hurts people more the longer they lie? No matter the fears you may have, no matter the heartache or worry you have caused to others, in the end being truthful with those for whom you truly care will understand. They will understand and love you all the more. In the evening he closed his fist and resolved to tell Ruka how he felt when he saw her next. He felt something this important couldn't be done by phone, text, or email.

Arriving at the karaoke bar the following day Kazuya hung his jacket and headed to the front counter. A slightly subdued Ruka stood at the far side towards the break room about to take her break due to Kazuya's arrival. She gave a small wave and had a slight frown. It was honest as her feeling were confused and Kazuya didn't look happy to see her. Looking both ways Kazuya quickly walked over and pulled Ruka into the break room. Just as he did before he pinned her to the same door in the breakroom in both excitement and fear.

Taking a deep breath Kazuya focused and said,"Ruka...I am sorry I ran out before. I will tell you all about it another time, but I want to be with you. I want to make it official: I want you to be my girlfriend, my real girlfriend. I am sorry I didn't tell you before, but-"

Ruka said as she felt her pulse starting to rise, locked her eyes with his, but oddly didn't feel a manic reaction and said,"Kazuya-kun...,"

Smiling deeply she hugged him hard not wanting to let go, but more in the manner when you hug someone close to you and not hyper. Kazuya hugged her back hard feeling a little trembling he had slow down and pulled her a little closer. Both closed their eyes.

A clearing of a throat caused both to turn around as their senpai said, "That's quite touching, but you need to get back to the front Kazuya. There is a group of customers who want a booth. Why don't the two of you each take an extra 15-minute break later and both arrive 15 minutes earlier next shift? I'll get the customers into a booth."

Their senpai smiled at both and turned to leave. Both nodded and smiled showing their appreciation.

As soon as the breakroom door closed Kazuya and Ruka smiled at each other like they were about to laugh and resumed hugging until both sat down at the table. Kazuya expressed his desire to call her last night and tell her, but felt he needed to do it in person. Ruka joked it is a good thing he didn't as she was in the middle of studies for finals. Ruka went onto say with the semester coming to an end she'll have more time, but for now needs to be studying and her parents would surely not appreciate her dating during this time. Kazuya agreed and said the same for himself, but quickly suggested breakfast tomorrow at Donny's saying he couldn't wait to see her worried he sounded over eager.

Ruka said it sounded great, almost in a reserved way, and suggested a time. They sat for a few moments talking of the last few days with friends and school when both noticed their little "gift" of an extra 15 minutes was coming to a swift end and they needed to get back to work. The rest of their shifts progressed normally. In the evening heading home Kazuya was happily singing to himself. Arriving at his door he saw Mizuhara still in a girlfriend outfit returning from a date with her latest "boyfriend" of the evening and smiled as he gave a quick greeting and goodnight. Mizuhara was dumbfounded, but didn't have time to wonder about it. Going back into her apartment Mizuhara quickly changed back into her college persona and reviewed materials before finals, but of course found herself wondering about the quite uncharacteristic joy in Kazuya coming home let alone his short interaction with her.

Meanwhile Ruka while feeling very happy felt at the same time almost a calmness as she closed her books for the night. It was weird to her and yet very relieving for while she felt her pulse rising she almost felt her mind "slowing", but it was a relaxing feeling as she closed her books. Climbing into bed with a gentle smile on her face as she drifted off to sleep.

The following morning Ruka dressed nicely and checked her phone as she waited at the door to Donny's as Kazuya walked up to her on time and smiled. Kazuya was dressed in average clothing, but had combed his hair making Ruka smile all the more. Kazuya opened his arms with a smile expecting to be knocked over. Ruka didn't fly into his arms, but happily hugged him and felt her pulse rise once again as she released it saying good morning. Kazuya was little taken aback, but held the door for her. As they were brought to a table he saw Ruka really start to smile and almost shake with excitement and he smiled to himself realizing while 'Rocket Ruka' was surely presenting herself as calm the fire hadn't left her. It was refreshing to see her this way and he wondered to as to what caused such a change. Ruka smiled as she down before opening the menu and settling on pancakes, strawberries with whipped cream on the side, some orange juice, and asked Kazuya what he wanted. Smiling Kazuya said he'd order some strips of turkey bacon and a corn muffin with cranberry juice. Once the server came over with water and the order taken Ruka asked what caused Kazuya to change his mind and make their new relationship official. Taking a deep breath Kazuya told the whole story from the moment he left until he collapsed on the bridge against the rail in tears. Ruka grimaced and reached across the table to massage one of his shoulders. Kazuya felt a warmth of comfort as the said she was sorry to hear the story. He was trying to remember the last time someone comforted him with a physical contact too. Establishing a connection with someone is so important for while we can be hugged and we can be verbally comforted think for a moment as to the last time you received merely words of comfort to the last time you were embraced and comforted at the same time. Kazuya relaxed, smiled, and thanked Ruka with genuine eyes. Ruka smiled back and told him to stand up. Ruka gave him a tight and genuine hug and Kazuya felt himself calm all the more as he closed his eyes. Lost in a sensation of warmth and comfort as he found himself not wanting to let go and Ruka had to actually stop him as their food would be there soon. During their meal Kazuya shared his corn muffin with Ruka and she offered to let him share, but didn't stick the food in his face, like with the crepe, but she merely invited him to use her fork. After their plates and glasses were taken away they ordered some green tea. Kazuya joked he was surprised and wondered why she wasn't as 'excited' as she was to see him as before. Taking a deep breath Ruka asked Kazuya to stand again. Kazuya stood and Ruka took his hand and gently placed it on her chest over her heart. Initially worried what people would think she looked him in the eyes and said to just keep it there for a moment. A couple at the next table smiled, the female swooning saying it is obvious he makes her heart beat for him, and nudged her boyfriend to show some more charm. Kazuya felt her heart beating at a normal, to him, steady rhythm. Ruka said her heart beat is stronger around him, she feels great, and she can relax now that he was there. He smiled as she smiled back with her eyes showing a relaxed look. He sat down and embraced for the first time how he made her feel physically and mentally better and no longer looked at is a burden, but something which to take joy. Not a curse, not a super-power, but a good feeling he was bringing to someone and just by being himself. He thought of how Sumi found comfort with his just being there and patient with her, saving her from thugs without caring at all as they insulted and relentlessly took shots at him, and her finally her showing new confidence with excitement at bidding him goodnight. He smiled at that thought and though tempted to rent Sumi he wished to avoid getting wrapped up in a second fantasy as the cost of renting two girlfriends at once would make him need to take several extra hours every week at work.

Kazuya started to sit down when the female at the next table grabbed Kazuya's arm and said, "When a woman tells you that it means you're very special to her...treat her well!"

Smiling proudly Kazuya said, "I will. I'll make sure to always keep this moment in my mind."

The woman continued and said with firm eyes, "Make sure you do. Strong feelings can arise when one treats someone well. but when they're not maintained...they can leave swiftly with great strength too."

Kazuya nodded and looked at the woman with eyes showing he understood.

Just before leaving Ruka excused herself to visit the ladies' room. Kazuya sat on his phone texting Kobi and Kuri when a man in a suit approached the booth and asked if he could speak with him. Kazuya quickly stood and bowed welcoming any words he had for him.

"You must be Kazuya," the man said while smiling.

"Huh? Yes, yes I am. Who are you? How do you know that?" Kazuya said dumbfounded and just a tad concerned.

The man smiled and bowed, "Forgive me, she showed me your photo on her phone with great excitement. I'm Ruka's cardiologist and forgive me for breaking possible doctor-patient confidentiality, but do you know about her condition? I am asking because of my concerns for her health. She said she'd only recently met you...and you likely have a certain, shall we shall 'strong drive' like 'all boys your age'."

The doctor handed Kazuya his business card and Kazuya looked at it sweating a little at possibly offending Ruka's doctor.

Kazuya bowed and apologized before saying, "Doctor uh...Humura...please forgive me. I only know a little of it. She makes me smile when says her 'heart beats stronger' when she's with me. I once saw her heart monitor app when she said I am the first to pass 90 with her, but I don't know anything beyond that. We have only been dating a short while and made it exclusive yesterday."

Dr. Humura, "That's wonderful. Ask her to explain it tonight and use the 'Twinkie method.' She'll smile as it is a fun method of describing it to people who don't know about her condition. You can tell her you researched the condition after seeing the name of the app on her phone: 'Hirano', which means 'level, peace, and calm'-pretty fitting for a heart monitoring app huh? Hirano is made specifically for people with her condition. It will show you 'did your homework' and showing personal interest in one's struggles shows you care. You get that one for free, but in the future make sure you contact me if you ever see her faint and convulse turning light blue after you call EMS. It's very important. It very nice to meet you Kazuya, I have to leave as my first patient will soon be arriving."

Kazuya shook Dr. Humura's hand, bowed, and said he'd be sure to do so. Dr. Humura waved as he left moments before Ruka came out to meet Kazuya saying it was a lovely time and went to pick up her purse. Kazuya gave her another strong hug partly because he wanted to and to make sure Dr. Humura was more than a few minutes down the road before heading to the front to pay for their meal.

Saturday night Ruka pretended she was off to a group-study session at one of her friend's house to get out of their house. Ruka's friends, also being high-school girls on the verge of graduation, also used the same technique saying they were going to Ruka's and she was ready to corroborate any questions as to the group's whereabouts that evening. Kazuya set out to brew two cups of peppermint tea when Ruka texted him she was arriving at his building. Having cleaned his place a little he happily opened the door and welcomed Ruka with a strong hug and closed the door behind her. Kazuya smiled and said he was eager to learn about her more with the "Twinkie method." Ruka smiled and asked if Kazuya bought a container of soy milk to which he nodded. Ruka smiled, sat down, and put down her backpack smiling.

Meanwhile unbeknownst to both of them Mizuhara had witnessed Ruka's arrival and happy greeting as she saw in the dark behind her curtains. Grasping her skirt just a little she forced herself back into her kitchen to continue attending to warming her stuffed grapes on the stove.

Taking the Twinkies out of their wrapper she handed one to Kazuya as she filled two glasses with cold soy milk.

Kazuya was ready to listen intently and asked, "Okay so what do the Twinkies represent?"

Ruka smiled and bit into one followed by a sip of milk and said, "Nothing, they're just a fun way to start an explanation and get people to relax a little."

Kazuya laughed a little and ate his Twinkie as he finished with a glass of milk and sat ready to listen.

Breathing deeply Ruka told Kazuya to stand, walked over to her backpack, and with an audible strain took out a dense object about the size and shape of an NFL football. It was made of a very heavy metal and took considerable strength for her to lift. She asked Kazuya to take hold of it. Kazuya was shocked and nearly dropped it and had to catch himself from letting it fall to the ground. Ruka challenged him to lift to his chest and then above his head. Kazuya lifted to his waist, used a lot of strength to get to his shoulders, and it was too heavy to get over his head.

Kazuya put it down on the floor and breathing heavily asked, "What...what is that thing?"

"It's a lesson, a demonstration, or metaphor really. The strain you had to put on yourself to lift it shows what it is like for my heart to keep up. My condition is not constrained blood vessels, it is not like blocked off like with cholesterol making my heart work harder. It simply is a condition I have which makes my heart need to put in more work, but there is more to it. There is no steroid I can take-no 'magic pill'-I can take to make it stronger because if it beats too strongly I can pass out...that's the reason I monitor my heartbeat, sometimes constantly. There is more to it...if it gets too slow I could pass out too. When you sleep your heart beats slowly just doing 'nighttime stuff', when you're awake it does more work, when you exercise it works hard, if you're scared it can work really hard, and if you're intimate with someone it could be the single hardest work it can do. You've heard of the notion of being 'scared to death' I am sure right?" Ruka asked.

"Of course. I thought that referred to someone having a heart attack," Kazuya said.

Ruka answered, "It does. If I was really scared I wouldn't get scared to death, a major a heart attack, I'd simply pass out. I don't mean like faint due to seeing something, I mean like overload. I'd fall to the ground and can convulse. It looks like I am having a seizure. It is like an overloaded circuit and my 'circuit breaker' is thrown to prevent worse damage. My heart has sort of a 'fail-safe.' Overstimulation can cause kind of a 'shutdown', something avoid a nuclear meltdown. 'The reactor will SCRAM' as some of the people in my support group say. Whenever my body, knowing whatever stimulus or hindrance is too great, senses something horrible may occur it simply shuts down. It's like putting a computer into 'safe mode.' However, I don't feel 'safe'...I feel powerless and sad. No one would ever 'want' a heart attack, but I feel sad in a way as my body won't allow me to have one. It's like being told I am not worthy, inferior in a biological way. It is just as if saying my body isn't allowed to experience amazing highs. I can't go on roller-coasters, I can't go into haunted houses at festivals, and the notion of 'sky diving' may be counted as 'sky-death.' I don't have the amount of power over my body as you have on your own. At times I feel it controls more of me than I could ever hope to have over it. It's like some referee has simply called a time out. I have been lucky to avoid that for the most part. When I was much younger girls in class would sometimes try to scare me just so I'd pass out. Worse if I got too slow it would happened again."

Ruka started to cry a little. Kazuya went over to hug her and held on without saying a word. Ruka smiled feeling her heartbeat rise again.

When Kazuya released he said, "I'm so sorry."

Ruka wiped her remaining tears away and said, "Thank you. The condition is officially called Parabolic Pulse Syndrome or 'PPS', but we just call it 'The Sweet Heartbeat' as in you want to stay in 'the sweet spot of a heartbeat.' It is kind of a joke saying we need to stay 'in the zone.' like a 'zone diet.' Humor helps, but the acceptable pulse-rate is a narrow area and concern about it feels like flying on the tip of a spear at times. You have a great range of pulse-levels you can live with, most do, but I have a narrow band of acceptable pulses. On a graph it looks like a small hill, a parabola. It is a range, the zone, I need to be in and if I step of out of 'the zone' I could either pass out or pass out and convulse. It is a something very distressing and can be scary, but the sooner you accept it the sooner you learn to deal with it. It's not all bad as you are encouraged to really enjoy the things you enjoy since it can bring stability to your life. Think of the joy a great hobby gives you...now imagine your joys actually keeps you healthy too," Ruka smiled.

Kazuya smiled and said, "Please continue."

Ruka got up from the table, took Kazuya's hand, and took him to the couch. Smiling she got under his arm and took his hand once again and gently put in on her chest and looked back at him.

"Do you feel it? My heart beat is steady. My pulse is higher than yours even though I am seated beside you just under your arm. We're not 'getting close' or in the midst of some other 'behavior', but my heart is simply beating at what you may feel is a little fast, but for me where I want to be for 'normal.' You're the first person to ever do that, to go past 90bpm. Don't let it go to your head, but understand it is a compliment. At a sub-conscious level...and conscious too...I know I am safe with you. I know you are strong, I saw you defend Mizuhara. I know you nearly traded your life for hers...a rental girlfriend. You attempted to break my fall on the stairs and you're also someone who wants to help their friends and cares about their feelings even more than your own. It is for those reasons I like you, you have made a good impression on me. My sub-conscious mind trusts you on a strong-level...this is why my heart beats faster when with you even if not doing anything specific. The next question you're going to ask, since I get this question all the time, is can attitudes can change? Can they? In theory, but why would you want to change them if it is a good thing? Would you ever want to suddenly stop liking a healthy food? You know that fire will burn you and you remember the lesson to not allow yourself to get burned. Would you ever be able to teach yourself to trust you'll not get burned if you touch fire? Do you think you could ever train yourself to sub-consciously stop knowing something knowing you could lose an important part of your intuitive mind and ability to make decisions based upon available and unavailable information?"

"No, I suppose not. What if you find comfort in someone who holds no desire to be with you in any way?"

"Then I work hard until they like me! I am kidding, well partly kidding. However, know this much Kazuya: I am grateful for the chance. I feel great right now, I really do since I am being given a genuine chance. I don't know what will happen with you and Chizuru, Mami, or anyone else who you could find, but I am glad to have the chance with you. Should we break up or one leaves the other would my heart still beat for you? Who knows? I'd like to think my body would realize that you're no longer something which brings me joy and strength and thus can I let go without adverse effect, but it is hard to sometimes do that. You can still think about loved ones past, beloved pets you had, and great memories of things which may no longer be occurring. Hopefully those thoughts don't bring sadness and bring you down. Think about your closest friends and if you're fighting with them...you know you'll forgive one another and thus you don't allow yourself to stay angry. My point is that even if we leave the good memories may be something which can keep me well for a long time."

Kazuya hugged her saying she makes him feel good just by being with him too and asked, "What happens when you leave later tonight?"

"When I leave for home my pulse will hopefully stay strong and going to bed stay stronger than when I normally turn in for the night. When I awaken tomorrow morning it may be slower and I may have to just be on guard for things, which is normal. I don't carry Twinkies around as a sugar-rush won't really help. I don't carry around a teddy bear either or heart medication as none really work. I carry around adrenaline and if I feel in great danger I can use it, but that is like strapping a jet engine onto a bicycle. It is not only impracticable, but is quite dangerous too. I used it one time to ward off what I thought was going to be a bad situation with me fainting due to both feeling hurt and isolated while quite sad...it was when someone for whom I cared and was the first to raise my pulse any amount of notice suddenly betrayed me. The shot picked my pulse up all right and sent me into high-gear...all the way to the ER! I woke up convulsing, it over compensated by a large amount. The doctors analyzed the results and have since given me a lower dosage...but it hasn't been field-tested. Hopefully with you it won't ever be called upon," Ruka answered and smiled as she held him a little closer and Kazuya did the same.

"What do you do when you feel down now?"

"Don't let this go to your head too much...don't...but I look at photos of us on my phone. Yes, you look like you're not having a good time in some of them, but I hope to change that. I look at photos of people and places I love when I feel down, images of shrines and things which bring me serenity when feeling too high-which hasn't happened in a long time. I can get over-stimulated playing intense video games, my mother had to once take a videogame away from me. I am taking things one step at a time, I won't pull you off to any 'hotels' anytime soon especially if it would just scare you and bring me down. The reason I said not to let looking at photos of you bringing me up to be a major ego boost is simple: If my views of you change too greatly and you hurt me, then suddenly those photos could have the opposite effect, and the next time I look at them-without my knowing this already-could cause me to pass out since it would just 'sadden me too much.' That is to say I wouldn't get excited and raise my pulse back to 'the zone', but feel dejected. You don't purposely think of things which make you want to freeze up or be scared. My heart may actually slow feeling no reason to keep on providing all its efforts."

"This sounds almost like curse."

"I am saddened that I have it, but many of the great figures of history have had similar conditions. Caesar and Napoléon both had epilepsy and nearly conquered the world. Stephen Hawking had ALS, Hellen Keller was blind and deaf, some people didn't have all their limbs or other controls on their body, others were dyslexic, and so on. Numerous people have other conditions, but they don't let it define them. For me it is all about staying 'in the zone', finding the sweet spot. Kazuya, if you treat me well and are always forward with me you'll keep me well. We can run in the park together, we can have emotional arguments and fight, be sad together, and hopefully we can even get 'very close.' However, please don't ever set out to spite me. Please. The results could literally be quite painful. However, I doubt you'd ever do that as the moment I awaken from the hospital I'd make you sorry beyond regard."

Ruka got out from under his arm and gave him a serious look. Kazuya said no matter what happened he'd act with honor.

Hugging Kazuya tightly Ruka said she knew he would otherwise she'd not have desire to be with him and gave him a tasteful kiss enough to make Kazuya not want to let go. They sat and watched some TV enjoying whatever was the trendy show of the week on a streaming service and when Ruka yawned Kazuya said it was time to leave. Kazuya stood up and waited with Ruka until an Uber she called for arrived. He told her to text him once she successfully sneaks back inside and headed back inside his unit. Meanwhile next door Mizuhara awoke from a dream hearing the door shut and was angry at herself for being unable to fall back asleep causing her to take a sleeping pill.